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The News Letter, 030614

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Now its time for the show to start !!!!

Kids should come equiped with those 
for when they think they know everything !

I walked into a pizza place down the street from where I use to live
in Hayward.  I was with a friend and we could not decide what kind of
pizza we wanted.  We decided to get a half of one kind and half another.
   "Give us a large vegetarian pizza, but put pepperoni on half."
   The guy behind the counter VERY straight-faced and quite seriously
asked, "Which half would you like the pepperoni on?"
   Without missing a beat, I said, "The right half!"
   He wrote "Pepperoni on the right half" on the tag and handed it to
the guy who makes the pizzas.  That guy smiled a bit and proceeded to
make us our pizza.
   About 20 minutes later, they called my name.  When I went to pick up
the pizza, I noticed that it was sitting so that the pepperoni was to my
right, but the counter person's left.  I could not resist.  I said,
"Hey, I wanted the pepperoni on the right side not the left side!"
   This taught me not to be such a smart *ss in the future.  The clerk,
looking worried, grabbed the pizza, and tossed it into the trash saying,
"Darn, I'm sorry, they must have made a mistake.  We will make you another one right now!"
   20 minutes later, I kept quiet and ate the pizza!  My friend and I did laugh about it for quite some time.  Especially when the clerk gave us each a free beer and said he was sorry for the mistake and sorry we had to wait!

Note to Susan !

NO there will never be a cure for that so quit dreaming.
& now back to the show !

Paul's teacher send a note home to his mother saying "Paul
seems to be a very bright boy, but spends too much of his
time thinking about sex and girls."

Paul's mother wrote back the very next day, " If you find
a solution, please advise. I have the same problem with his

Yup, that's Buster

A friend and I were standing in line at a fast-food
restaurant, waiting to place our order. There was a
big sign posted. "No bills larger than $20 will be

The woman in front of us, pointing to the sign, remarked,
"Believe me, if I HAD a bill larger than $20, I wouldn't
be eating here."

Marge was telling her friend Grace how she gets her son out
of bed in the morning.

"I just open his door and toss the cat on his bed. He
sleeps with his dog."

Don't ask me why, I don't know why I posted this

Rules for parking if you are rude

Rule #1 - When waiting for a parking spot, stop in the middle
of the road, don't signal, and orient your car diagonally to
prevent others from passing.
Rule #2 - Always park on the lines, taking up as many spots as
possible. Diagonal parking is preferred.
Rule #3 - In a crowded parking lot, if you find a spot and
have the opportunity to pull through to an adjacent one, drive
up half way and stop on the line, taking both.
Rule #4 - As you pull into a spot, if you see that the space
ahead of you is empty and you see another driver signalling to
take it, pull though and take it from him.
Rule #5 - Always park close enough to the adjacent car so that
the other driver must grease up with Vaseline to squeeze into
his/her car.
Rule #6 - When getting out of your car, hit the adjacent
vehicle with your door really hard.
Rule #7 - When driving through the parking lot, ignore the
painted lanes and drive diagonally from one end to another
at a high rate of speed.
Rule #8 - When stopped in front of a store and waiting for a
friend/relative to make a purchase, make sure that you are
stopped in the middle of the road. The same rules applies to
picking-up and discharging passengers.
Rule #9 - When a vehicle from the opposite direction is
signalling and waiting for a parking space, position your car
so that you are in his way and let the car behind you take it.
Rule #10 - If you have Handicap license plates, use up a
regular parking spot.
Rule #11 - If you hit the adjacent car with your door and
leave a dent,wait for a car, which is painted the same colour
as yours, to drive down the aisle looking for a place to park.
Then back out, giving up your spot like "Mr. Good Guy" and
park somewhere else.
Rule #12 - If the vehicle in front of you stops to let a
pedestrian cross or another vehicle turn, pull into the lane
of opposite traffic and attempt to pass him.
Rule #13 - deleted...for those who are superstitious!
Rule #14 - When exiting a shopping centre into a busy road,
exit through the narrow "ENTER ONLY" driveway, stick the
nose of the car into traffic, and wait.
Rule #15 - When driving through a parking lot with
alternating one-way aisles and angled parking spots, drive
the wrong way. Then when you see a parking space, take 20
minutes to do a 12-point turn to pull into it.
Rule #16 - Always leave your shopping cart behind or tightly
between parked vehicles.
Rule #17 - Empty your ashtrays on the ground in shopping
centre parking lots. While your at it, dump out all the
garbage, too, including that Wendy's or McDonald's bag
sitting in the back seat from breakfast.
Rule #18 - If you are forced to change an infant's diaper in
a parking lot,leave the soiled diaper under the car next to
Rule #19 - When another vehicle is waiting for you to pull
out of a spot in a crowded parking lot, take your time.
Adjust the mirrors, your seat, and the radio. Roll down your
window, light a cigarette, and eat your lunch.  Feel free to
go through your shopping bags and look at what you just
Rule #20 - When pulling into a parking spot, if there is a
shopping cart in the way, lightly tap it with your bumper
and send it rolling into an adjacent car. Then, when you
step out, if the cart is still too close, push it down the
parking lot aisle and let it go. While the cart is flying
solo, turn around and walk toward the stores.
Rule #21 - When walking back to your car in a busy shopping
centre, gesture to other drivers waiting for a spot to make
them think that you are getting in the car and leaving. Then
walk between the cars to the next aisle and do
it again.
Rule #22 - When shopping at the mall, which requires you to
load your bags into the car and go back in to do more
shopping, do NOT tell the driver who is sitting patiently
watching you load your car and signalling for your spot.
Rule #23 - When walking back to your car, if you notice
other shoppers walking past your car to get to theirs, press
the buttons on your key chain remote so that your car's
alarm makes a sudden loud "BLOOP BLEEP" that scares the crap
out of them.
Rule #24 - If you don't see a speed limit sign posted in the
malls parking lot, there isn't any!
Rule #25 - If you back into a parked car, and the driver
isn't with it, take out a piece of paper & start writing.
This is especially effective if there are 15-20 witnesses. On
a piece of paper write, "There were ___witnesses when I hit
your car. They think I'm writing my name, address, and phone number!

Jimmy timidly touched the arm of a man putting on an overcoat. "Excuse me," said Jimmy, "but do you happen to be Mr. Smith of

"No, I'm not!" said the impatient man.

"Ah ... er ... well," said Jimmy, "you see, I am, and that's his coat you're putting on."

Hey Paul, Is this what happen to ya {LOL}


William's wife started noticing how forgetful
he was becoming.  Being the concerned wife, she
convinced him to see a doctor.  William was a
little worried when the doctor came in.  Sensing
his patient's nervousness, the first thing the
doctor did was to ask what was troubling him.

"Well," William answered. "I seem to be getting
forgetful. I'm never sure I can remember where
I put the car, or whether I answered a letter,
or where I'm going, or what it is I'm going to
do once I get there, if I get there. So, I really
need your help. What can I do?"

The doctor thought for a moment, then answered
in his kindest tone, "Pay me in advance."

Yup, that would be my site (LOL)

-What does it mean when a doctor tells you, "We caught this
      just in time?"
           It means that if you had waited any longer, it would
           have cleared up by itself.

OHHHH so true

-Doctor:  Now just step on the scales.  There you see?  Look
               at this chart.  You're overweight.
      Patient:  No, I'm not.  I'm just 6 inches too short.

The Teacher asked, "All right children, who can
tell me what a chicken gives?"

Mary answered, "A chicken gives eggs!"

The Teacher then asked, "Now who can tell me what
a goat gives?"

And Paul answered, "A goat gives goat milk!"

And finally the Teacher asked, "Well now, who can
tell me what the cow gives?"

And Little David 1 replied, "Homework!"
someone got up on the wrong side of the bed

A couple, desperate to conceive a child, went to their
priest and asked him to pray for them.

"I'm going on a sabbatical to Rome," he replied, "and
while I'm there, I'll light a candle for you."

When the priest returned three years later, he went to the
couple's house and found the wife pregnant, busily
attending to two sets of twins.

Elated, the priest asked her where her husband was
so that he could congratulate him.

"He's gone to Rome, to blow that candle out" came
the harried reply.

This is NOT just todlers Folks !

Toddler Property Laws

1. If I like it, it's mine.

2. If it's in my hands, it's mine.

3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.

4. If I had it a week ago, it's mine.

5. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.

6. If I'm doing or building something, all the pieces are mine.

7. If it looks just like mine, it's mine.

8. If I think it's mine, it's mine.

9. If it it's near me, it's mine.

10.If it's broccoli, it's yours.

& some people shouldn't even try

The three bears had been having some trouble recently and had ended up
in family court. Mama and Papa bear were splitting up, and baby bear had
to decide who he was going to live with.

So, the judge wanted to talk to baby bear to see what he thought about
living with either of his parents. When he asked baby bear about living
with his father, baby bear said "No, I can't live with Papa bear, he
beats me terribly."

"OK," said the judge, "then you want to live with your mother, right?"

"No way!" replied baby bear, "She beats me worse than Papa bear does."

The judge was a bit confused by this, and didn't quite know what to do.
"Well, you have to live with someone, so is there any relatives you
would like to stay with?" asked the judge.

"Yes," answered baby bear, "my aunt Bertha bear who lives in Chicago."

"You're sure she will treat you well and won't beat you?" asked the

"Oh definitely," said baby bear, "the Chicago Bears don't beat anybody."

There's Owen

Ok folks the rest of this page is just pics
cause I ran out of text files that I can use on a g rated site {LOL}

& now your at the end of the letter, I hope that you enjoyed !

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Note the link goes back to MSA where I get a lot of my scripts at now.


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thanks, David 1

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