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The News Letter, 030520

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Now its time for the show to start !!!!



Heck, that almost looks like 
my house on a regular basis


The Most Dangerous Phrases In The Human Language?

"I have an idea"
"What happens if I push this button?"
"Sure, nobody will do that"
"And what are you going to do about it?"
"This is a foolproof plan"
"Ah sure, it'll be grand"
"Just send us your credit card details"
"I got this off the Web"
"Is there anything you want to tell me?"
"This won't hurt a bit"
"Cut the red wire"
"Well, in my opinion..."
"Nah we don't need a plumber, I can do it myself"
"Gaining a little weight there, aren't you?"
"We need to talk..."
"Could you just hold this for a moment"
"No! I don't need to ask for directions!"
"This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you"
"We have hired consultants to help us restructure the organization"
"Before you go home, could you have a quick look at this?"
"Hi! I'm from the government and I'm here to help"
"It's just a routine procedure. Nothing to worry about"
"It's just a rash"






GOING INTO SPACE
NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go,
and he couldn't return to Earth.

The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid
for going.  "A million dollars," he answered, "because I want to donate it
to
M.I.T."

The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for
two million dollars. "I want to give a million to my family", he explained,
"and
leave the other million for the advancement of medical research."

The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted,
he whispered in the interviewer's ear, "Three million dollars."

"Why so much more than the others?" the interviewer asked.

The lawyer replied, "If you give me $3 million, I'll give you $1 million,
I'll
keep $1 million, and we'll send the engineer."



Well Susan, ya gonna tell me



A father was examining his son's report card. "One thing is definitely in your favour," he announced. "With this report card, you
couldn't possibly be cheating."


you got that right



They had lived together in the backwoods for over fifty years.
 To celebrate their fiftieth anniversary, he took her to a large
 city and they checked into a plush hotel.
 She said to the bellman, "We refuse to settle for such a small
 room. No windows, no bed, and no air conditioning."
 "But, madam!", replied the bellman.
 "Don't 'But madam' me," she continued.  "You can't treat us like
 we're a couple of fools just because we don't travel much, and
 we've never been to the big city, and never spent the night at
 a hotel.  I'm going to complain to the manager."
 "Madam," the bellman said, "this isn't your room; this is the elevator!"


Not just the ptr. dear


Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got
along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that
deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a
trade while doing his time.

After 3 years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the
local area. Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the
citizens of the community, and he always reported back to prison before
Sunday night was over.

The warden was thinking of remodelling his kitchen and in fact had done much
of the work himself. But he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen
cupboards and a large counter top which he had promised his wife. So he
called Andy into his office and asked him to complete the job for him. But,
alas, Andy refused. He told the warden, ''Gosh, I'd really like to help you
but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place.''


Sure do, Never could figure 
out how Susan got this to fly



Haircuts -- The difference between men and women


Women's version:

Woman 2: Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cute!

Woman 1: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she gave me
the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy
looking?

Woman 2: Oh God no! No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair
cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm
pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.

Woman 1: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And
you could easily get one of those layer cuts - that
would look so cute I think. I was actually going to
do that except that I was afraid it would accent my
long neck.

Woman 2: Oh - that's funny! I would love to have your neck!
Anything to take attention away from this two-by-
four I have for a shoulder line.

Woman 1: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to
have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on
you. I mean, look at my arms - see how short they
are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to
fit me so much easier.

----------------------------------

Men's version:

Man2: Haircut?

Man1: Yeah.





The Age of Reason
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

I took my two sons, ages seven and five, to the playground at our
local park. My seven year old was very proud that he was able to read
to his brother the sign with all the rules posted for the playground.

"1. Do not jump on the merry-go-round when in motion."
"2. Go down the slide while sitting only."
"3. Only one child on a swing at a time."

There were about twenty rules and the boys promised to obey them
all, if I would trust them and let them play without me standing by to
watch. They said that they were too old to be watched and their
friends would tease them calling them babies if I stayed.

I made them promise to be good and obey the rules, and rejoined my
wife preparing our picnic lunch. When it was time to get the children,
I decided to watch them at a distance for a while to see how reliable
they were in following my instructions.

I found that they obeyed most of the printed instructions. That is,
all but one... They would each get on the tall semicircular slide and
slide down head-first or backward.

Angrily, I walked to the children and escorted them over to the
posted regulations. I asked my seven year old read to them
aloud once again - paying special attention to the rules about the
slide. Then I asked them what they had to say for themselves.

My five year old answered immediately: "Don't be silly Daddy - they
don't use slide rules anymore.





My wife seems to be losing her sense of humour
for no apparent reason.

Why, just the other day she got mad when she
announced that she was going to the beauty
parlour.

I asked, "Are you going in for an estimate,
or are you going to get the work done?"





A tourist walked into a Chinese curio shop in San Francisco.
While looking around at the exotic merchandise, he noticed a very lifelike,
life-sized bronze statue of a rat. It had no price tag, but was so
incredibly striking the tourist decided he must have it.

He took it to the old shop owner and asked, "How much for the bronze rat?"

"Ahhh, you have chosen wisely! It is $12 for the rat, $100 for the story,"
said the wizened old Chinaman.

The tourist quickly pulled out $12. "Forget that! I'll just take the rat,
you can keep the story."

As he walked away from the shop carrying his bronze rat, the tourist
noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the alleys and sewers and had begun following him down the street. This was a bit disconcerting so he began walking faster.

A couple blocks later he looked behind him and saw to his horror the herd
of rats behind him had grown to hundreds, and they began squealing.  Sweating now, the tourist began to trot toward the Bay.

Again, after a couple blocks, he looked around only to discover that the
rats now numbered in the MILLIONS, and were squealing and coming toward him faster and faster.

Terrified, he ran to the edge of the water and threw the bronze rat as far
as he could into the Bay. Amazingly, the millions of rats all jumped into
the Bay after the bronze rat, and were all drowned.

The man walked back to the curio shop in Chinatown.

"Ahhh," said the owner, "You have come back for story?"

"Nah," said the man, "I came back to see if you have a bronze Frenchman".






Customer: I'm trying to connect to the Internet with your CD, but it
just doesn't work. What am I doing wrong?
 
Tech sup: OK, you've got the CD in the CD drive, right?
 
Customer: Yeah....
 
Tech sup: And what sort of computer are you using?
 
Customer: Computer? Oh no, I haven't got a computer. It's in the CD
player and all I get is weird noises. Listen.....
 
Tech sup: Aaaarrrrgggghhhh!!!





My son Earl is a construction foreman.  One day he tumbled from a
scaffold, managing to break his fall by grabbing on to parts of the
scaffold on the way down.  He received only minor scratches.
 
Embarrassed by the fall, he climbed back up to continue  working.
Then he noticed his co-workers holding up  hastily-made signs reading,
9.6, 9.8, and 9.4.


You got that right



The artist tried to concentrate on his work, but the attraction he
felt for his model finally became irresistible. He threw down his
palette, took her in his  arms and kissed her.
 
She pushed him away. "Maybe your other models let you kiss  them," she
said.
 
"I've never tried to kiss a model before," he swore.
 
"Really?" she said, softening, "How many models have there  been?"
 
"Four," he replied, "A jug, two apples, and a vase."





Good to know facts
 
 
 
Did You Know
 
Drinking two glasses of Gatorade can relieve headache pain almost
immediately-without the unpleasant side effects caused by traditional
pain relievers.
 
Did you know that Colgate toothpaste makes an excellent salve for burns.
 
Before you head to he drugstore for a high-priced inhaler filled with
mysterious chemicals, try chewing on a couple of curiously strong
Altoids peppermints. They'll clear up your stuffed nose.
 
Achy muscles from a bout of the flu? Mix 1 Tablespoon of horseradish in
1/2 cup of olive oil. Let the mixture sit for 30 minutes,then apply it
as a massage oil, for instant relief for aching muscles.
 
Sore Throat?? Just mix 1/4 cup of vinegar with 1/4 cup of honey and take
1 Tablespoon six times a day. The vinegar kills the bacteria.
 
Cure urinary tract infections with alka-seltzer. Just dissolve two
tablets in a glass of water and drink it at the onset of the symptoms.
Alka-Seltzer begins eliminating urinary tract infections almost
instantly-even though the product was never been advertised for this
use.
 
Eliminate puffiness under your eyes.....All you need is a dab of
preparation H, carefully rubbed into the skin, avoiding the eyes. The
hemorrhoid ointment acts as a vasoconstrictor, relieving the swelling
instantly.
 
Honey remedy for Skin Blemishes......Cover the blemish with a dab of
honey and place a band-aid over it. Honey kills the bacteria, keeps the
skin sterile, and speeds healing. Works overnight.
 
Listerine therapy for toenail fungus....Get rid of unsightly toenail
fungus by soaking your toes in Listerine mouthwash. The powerful
antiseptic leaves your toenails looking healthy again.
 
Easy eyeglass protection....To prevent the screws in eyeglasses from
loosening, apply a small drop of Maybelline Crystal Clear nail polish to
the threads of the screws before tightening them.
 
Coca-Cola cure for rust...Forget those expensive rust removers. Just
saturate an abrasive sponge with Coca Cola and scrub the rust stain. The
phosphoric acid in the coke is what gets the job done.
 
Cleaning liquid that doubles as bug killer....If menacing bees, wasps,
hornets, or yellow jackets get in your home and you can't find the
insecticide, try a spray of Formula 409. Insects drop to the ground
instantly.
 
Smart splinter remover.....just pour a drop of Elmers Glue-all over the
splinter, let dry, and peel the dried glue off the skin. The splinter
sticks to the dried glue.
 
Hunt's tomato paste boil cure....Cover the boil with Hunt's tomato paste
as a compress. The acids from the tomatoes soothe the pain and bring the
boil to a head.
 
Balm for broken blisters.....To disinfect a broken blister, dab on a few
drops of Listerine....a powerful antiseptic.
 
Heinz vinegar to heal bruises...Soak a cotton ball in white vinegar and
apply it to the bruise for 1 hour. The vinegar reduces the blueness and
speeds up the healing process.
 
Kills fleas instantly. Dawn dishwashing liquid does the trick. Add a few
drops to your dog's bath and shampoo the animal thoroughly. Rinse well
to avoid skin irritations. Goodbye fleas
 
Rainy day cure for dog odor....Next time your dog comes in from the
rain, simply wipe down the animal with Bounce or any dryer sheet,
instantly making your dog smell springtime fresh.
 
Eliminate ear mites....All it takes is a few drops of wesson corn oil in
your cat's ear. Massage it in, then clean with a cotton ball. Repeat
daily for 3 days. The oil soothes the cat's skin, smothers the mites,
and accelerates healing.
 
Vaseline cure for hairballs.....To prevent troublesome hairballs, apply
a dollop of vaseline petroleum jelly to your cat's nose. The cat will
lick off the jelly, lubricating any hair in its stomach so it can pass
easily through the digestive system.
 
Quaker Oats for fast pain relief....It's not for breakfast anymore! Mix
2 cups of Quaker Oats and 1 cup of water in a bowl and warm in the
microwave for 1 minute, cool slightly, and apply the mixture to your
hands for soothing relief from arthritis pain.






The following short quiz consists of 4 questions, and it will tell you
whether you are qualified to be a professional.  I got all four wrong.
But the real trick is to stop laughing.  Scroll down for each correct
answer.  The questions are NOT that difficult.


1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?





















The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and
close the door.  This question tests whether you tend to do simple
things
in an overly complicated way.







2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?

























Did you say, "Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close
the
refrigerator?" (Wrong Answer)

Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in
the
elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through
the
repercussions of your previous actions.














3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals
attend
except one. Which animal does not attend?




























Correct Answer: The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You
just put him in there. This tests your memory.  OK, even if you did
not
answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more
chance
to show your true abilities.








4. There is a river you must cross but it is inhabited by crocodiles.
How
do you manage it?























Correct Answer: You swim across. All the crocodiles are attending the
Animal Meeting. This tests whether you learn quickly from your
mistakes.


According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the
professionals they tested got all questions wrong. But many
preschoolers
got several correct answers.  Anderson Consulting says this
conclusively
disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a four
year old.





A kangaroo kept getting out of his enclosure at the zoo.

Knowing that he could hop high, the zoo officials put up a
ten-foot fence.  He was out the next morning, just roaming around
the zoo.  A twenty-foot fence was put up.  Again he got out.

When the fence was forty feet high, a camel in the next enclosure
asked the kangaroo, "How high do you think they'll go?"

The kangaroo said, "About a thousand feet, unless somebody locks
the gate at night!"





A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink.
Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on
strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his
horse had been stolen.

He goes back into the bar, handily flips his gun into the air,
catches it above his head without even looking and fires a shot
into the ceiling.

"WHICH ONE OF YOU SIDEWINDERS STOLE MY HOSS?" he yelled with
surprising forcefulness.

No one answered.

"ALL RIGHT I'M GONNA HAVE ANOTHA BEER, AND IF MY HOSS AIN'T BACK
OUTSIDE BY THE TIME I FINISH, I'M GONNA DO WHAT I DUN IN TEXAS!
AND I DON'T LIKE TO HAVE TO DO WHAT I DUN IN TEXAS!"

Some of the locals shifted restlessly.

He had another beer, walked outside, and his horse is back! He
saddles-up and starts to ride out of town.

The bartender wanders out of the bar and asks, "Say partner,
before you go... what did happen in Texas?"

The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."





A blonde goes over to visit one of her friends.

While she is at her friend's house it starts to rain very
heavily. Her friend tells her to spend the night at her house and
go home the next day.

When she hears this, the blonde rushes out the door and comes a
while later totally drenched and carrying a small shopping bag.
So her friend asks "Where did you run off too?"

"I went home to get my pyjamas!"





Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to  their local
police station where they saw pictures, tacked  to a bulletin board,
of the 10 most wanted men.    One of the youngsters pointed to a
picture and asked if it  really  was the photo of a wanted person.
"Yes," said the policeman.  "The detectives want him very  badly."
Little Johnny asked, "So, why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"





There was a beautiful young blonde at a soda machine in Vegas, and she
arrived there just before a business man coming to quench his thirst.
 
She opened her purse and put in 50 cents, studied the machine a short
while, pushed a Diet Coke selection, and out came a Diet Coke. She
placed it on a counter next to the machine. Then she reached in her
purse again and pulled out a dollar and inserted it in the machine.
 
Studying the machine carefully, she pushed the button for Coke Classic
and out came a Coke Classic and 50 cents change. She immediately took
the 50 cents and put it in the machine, studied it for a moment and
pushed the Mountain Dew button. Out came a Mountain Dew. She placed
them both on the counter next to the Diet Coke.
 
As she was reaching into her purse again, the business man, who'd been
waiting patiently for several minutes by then, spoke up. "Excuse me,
miss, but are you done yet?"
 
She looked at him and indignantly asked, "Well Duh! Can't you see I'm still winning?"


Now that's sounds like a good idea



My fifteen-year-old daughter Tammy was delighted when  she got her
first job as a hostess at a restaurant that  has been owned and
operated by the same family for  years.  At first everything went
smoothly, but after a busy Sunday, my daughter returned home exhausted
and  frustrated. Apparently the owners kept looking over her
shoulder, directing every move, and Tammy said she came  very close to
quitting.
 
After listening to her tirade of complaints, I responded,  "So you
don't like working there anymore?"
 
"Oh," my teenager replied, "I like working there just  fine.  I just don't like them working there."


& now your at the end of the letter, I hope that you enjoyed !

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Note the link goes back to MSA where I get a lot of my scripts at now.


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thanks, David 1







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