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The News Letter, 030415

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Now its time for the show to start !!!!



I guess it's possible


A man was in front of me coming out of church one day,
and the preacher was standing at the door as he always
is to shake hands.
 
He grabbed the man by the hand and pulled him aside.
 
The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of
the Lord!"
 
The man replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord,
Pastor."
 
Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at
Christmas and Easter?"
 
He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service."

from:  Bob

The most comprehensive humor archive.
100's of Jokes, 1000's of JPG's/GIF's, 
Sound clips, Video Clips and PARODY SONGS

http://www.bwjokes.com



They always say becreful what 
you wish/pray for cause 
you might just get it.



On the way back to New York as I was sitting in the Phoenix
airport, they announced that the flight to Vegas was full.
The airline was looking for volunteers to give up their seats.

In exchange, they'd give you a $100 voucher for your next
flight and a first class seat in the plane leaving an hour
later. About eight people ran up to the counter to take
advantage of the offer.

About 15 seconds later all eight of those people sat down
grumpily as the lady behind the ticket counter said, "If
there is anyone else OTHER than the flight crew who'd like
to volunteer, please step forward..."





Although we were being married in New Hampshire, I wanted
to add a touch of my home state, Kansas, to the wedding.
My fiancee, explaining this to a friend, said that we were planning to
have wheat rather than rice thrown after the ceremony.

Our friend thought for a moment.  Then he said solemnly,
"It's a good thing she's not from Idaho."



AGREED, 100%, oh yeah, 
I've had that conversation 
more then once.



A businessman was in a great deal of trouble. His business was failing,
he had put everything he had into the business, he owed everybody-- it
was so bad he was even contemplating suicide. As a last resort he went
to a priest and poured out his story of tears and woe.

When he had finished, the priest said, "Here's what I want you to do: Put
a beach chair and your Bible in your car and drive down to the beach. Take
the beach chair and the Bible to the water's edge, sit down in the beach
chair, and put the Bible in your lap. Open the Bible; the wind will rifle
the
pages, but finally the open Bible will come to rest on a page. Look down
at the page and read the first thing you see. That will be your answer, that
will tell you what to do."

A year later the businessman went back to the priest and brought his wife
and children with him. The man was in a new custom-tailored suit, his wife
in a mink coat, the children shining. The businessman pulled an envelope
stuffed with money out of his pocket, gave it to the priest as a donation in
thanks for his advice.

The priest recognized the benefactor, and was curious. "You did as I
suggested?" he asked.

"Absolutely," replied the businessman.

"You went to the beach?"

"Absolutely."

"You sat in a beach chair with the Bible in your lap?"

"Absolutely."

"You let the pages rifle until they stopped?"

"Absolutely."

"And what were the first words you saw?"

"Chapter 11."





Stage 1: 
Sugar dumpling, I've really been worried about my  baby girl. That's a bad sniffle and there's no telling about these things with all the strep that's going around.  I'm going to put you in the hospital for a genera check-up and a good rest. 
I know the food's terrible, but I'm going to bring you dinner every night from Rosini's.  I've  got it all arranged with the floor supervisor.

Stage 2: 
Listen, darling, I don't like the sound of that cough.  I'm going to call Doc Miller to rush over here.  Now you go to bed like a good girl just for papa.

Stage 3: 
Maybe you'd better lie down, honey. Nothing like little rest when you feel lousy. I'll bring you something.  Have we got any canned soup?

Stage 4: 
Now look, dear, be sensible. After you've fed the kids and gotten the dishes done and the floor mopped, you'd better lie down for a while.

Stage 5: 
Why don't you take a couple of aspirins?

Stage 6: 
Why you'd just gargle or something instead of sitting around barking like a seal all evening!

Stage 7: 
Would you stop coughing on me?!? Are you trying to give me pneumonia?






GOOD:
A policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders,  but wasn't
getting many. Then he discovered the problem - a 10 year old boy
was standing up the road with a hand painted sign which read "RADAR
TRAP AHEAD."  The officer then found a young accomplice down the
road with a sign reading "TIPS" and a bucket full of change. (And
we used to just sell lemonade.)

BETTER:
A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an
automated radar.  A $40 speeding ticket was included.  Being cute,
he sent the police department a picture of $40. The police responded
with another mailed photo of Handcuffs.

BEST:
A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the motorcycle officer
walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said,
"I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Highway Patrolmen's
Ball," He replied, "Highway patrolmen don't have balls." There was a
moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he'd just
said.  He then closed his book, got back on his motorcycle and left.
She was laughing too hard to start her car for several minutes.


I think I just found what I want 
on my block, Susan write this 
down for me please & make sure 
that it gets done. Thanks



Last name: ________________

 First name: (Check appropriate box)
 (_) Billy-Bob
 (_) Billy-Joe
 (_) Billy-Ray
 (_) Billy-Sue
 (_) Billy-Mae
 (_) Billy-Jack

 What does everyone call you?
 (_) Booger
 (_) Bubba
 (_) Junior
 (_) Sissy
 (_) Other___________________

 Age: ____ (if unsure, guess)
 Sex: ____ M   _____ F   _____ Not sure
 Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right

 Occupation: (Check appropriate box)
 (_) Farmer
 (_) Mechanic
 (_) Hair Dresser
 (_) Unemployed
 (_) Dirty Politician
 (_) Preacher


 Spouse's
 Name:_________________________
 2nd Spouse's
 Name:______________________
 3rd Spouse's
 Name:______________________
 Lover's
 Name:___________________________

 Relationship with spouse: (Check appropriate box)
 (_) Sister
 (_) Brother
 (_) Aunt
 (_) Uncle
 (_) Cousin
 (_) Mother
 (_) Father
 (_) Son
 (_) Daughter
 (_) Pet

 Number of children living in household: _____
 Number of children living in shed: ______
 Number that are yours: ______

 Mother's Name:_______________________(If not sure,leave blank)
 Father's Name:_______________________ (If not sure,leave blank)

 Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)

 Do you (_) own or (_) rent your mobile home?(Check appropriate box)


 Total number of vehicles you own: ___
 Number of vehicles that still crank: ___
 Number of vehicles in front yard: ___
 Number of vehicles in back yard: ___
 Number of vehicles on cement blocks: ___

 Firearms you own and where you keep them:
 ____ truck
 ____ bedroom
 ____ bathroom
 ____ kitchen
 ____ shed

 Model and year of your pickup: 196_

 Do you have a gun rack?
 (_) Yes   (_) No;   If no, please explain:

 Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
 (_) The National Enquirer
 (_) The Globe
 (_) TV Guide
 (_) Soap Opera Digest
 (_) Rifle and Shotgun

 Number of times you've seen a UFO:_____
 Number of times in the last 5 years you've seen Elvis:_____
 Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO:_____

 How often do you bathe:
 (_) Weekly
 (_) Monthly
 (_) Not Applicable

 Color of eyes:
 Left______   Right_____

 Color of hair:
 (_) Blond
 (_) Black
 (_) Red
 (_) Brown
 (_) White
 (_) Clairol

 Color of tooth:
 (_) Yellow
 (_) Brownish-Yellow
 (_) Brown
 (_) Black
 (_) Not Applicable

 Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
 (_)Red-Man

 How far is your home from a paved road?
 (_) 1 mile
 (_) 2 miles
 (_) just a whoop-and-a-holler
 (_) road?





Undocumented Windows Errors

*WinErr: 001 Windows loaded - System in danger
*WinErr: 002 No Error - Yet
*WinErr: 003 Dynamic linking error - Your mistake is now in every file
*WinErr: 004 Erronious error - Nothing is wrong
*WinErr: 005 Multitasking attempted - System confused
*WinErr: 006 Malicious error - Desqview found on drive
*WinErr: 007 System price error - Inadeqaute money spent on hardware
*WinErr: 008 Broken window - Watch out for glass fragments
*WinErr: 009 Horrible bug encountered - Noone knows what has happened
*WinErr: 00A Promotional literature overflow - Mailbox full
*WinErr: 00B Inadeqaute disk space - Free at least 50MB
*WinErr: 00C Memory hog error - More Ram needed. More! More! More!
*WinErr: 00D Window closed - Do not look outside
*WinErr: 00E Window open - Do not look inside
*WinErr: 00F Unexplained error - Please tell us how this happened
*WinErr: 010 Reserved for future mistakes by our developers
*WinErr: 011 Window open - Do not look outside
*WinErr: 012 Window closed - Do not look inside
*WinErr: 013 Unexpected error - Huh ?
*WinErr: 014 Keyboard locked - Try anything you can think of.
*WinErr: 018 Unrecoverable error - System has been destroyed. Buy a
new one. Old windows licence is not valid anymore.
*WinErr: 019 User error - Not our fault. Is Not! Is Not!
*WinErr: 01A Operating system overwritten - Please reinstall all your
software. We are terribly sorry.
*WinErr: 01B Illegal error - You are not allowed to get this error. Next
time you will get a penalty for that
*WinErr: 01C Uncertainty error - Uncertainty may be inadeqaute.
*WinErr: 01D System crash - We are unable to figure out our own code.
*WinErr: 01E Timing error - Please wait. And wait. And wait. And wait.
*WinErr: 01F Reserved for future mistakes of our developers
*WinErr: 020 Error recording error codes - Remaining errors will be lost.
*WinErr: 042 Virus error - A virus has been activated in a dos-box. The
virus, however, requires Windows. All tasks will automatically be closed
and the virus will be activated again.
*WinErr: 079 Mouse not found - A mouse driver has not been installed.
Please click the left mouse button to continue.
*WinErr: 103 Error buffer overflow - Too many errors encountered. Next
errors will not be displayed or recorded.
*WinErr: 678 This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play
another game?
*WinErr: 683 Time out error - Operator fell asleep while waiting for the
system to complete boot procedure
*WinErr: 815 Insufficient Memory - Only 50,312,583 Bytes available





& now your at the end of the letter, I hope that you enjoyed !

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Note the link goes back to MSA where I get a lot of my scripts at now.


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thanks, David 1







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