I thought I'd take a minute to discuss some troubling factors with
you. First and foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours...your
many sides and dimensions are mind-boggling different from beer goggling, which
I'll touch upon shortly. Yes, my friend, you always seem to be there when
needed -- the perfect post-work cocktail, a beer with the game, and you're even
there around the holidays, with
a touch of cinnamon, you warm us even when stuck in the midst of endless
Yet lately, I've been wondering about your intentions. You see, I want
to believe that you've got my best interests in mind, but I feel that your
influence has led to unwise consequences, briefed below for your review.
1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is
important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or
necessity occurs at 5 AM.
2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, and though cooking is far
from my specialty, why you suggested that I eat mashed potatoes with barbecue
sauce coupled by a veggie corn dog and some stale corn chips (washed down with
cranberry juice and topped off with a Kit Kat)
is beyond me. Eclectic eater
I am, but I think you went a little too far.
3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me I need to do
yoga more to increase my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by
causing me to fall down the stairs. Completely unnecessary.
4. Spelling Bees: Reference point 1 (Phone Calls) above, but even if
calling 411 for Courtney Cox's number (in LA, I believe) IS a grand idea, the
fact that you temporarily suspended my ability to spell her last name surely
amused the operator. Surprisingly enough, she didn't seem to be listed.
5. Pictures: This is a blessing in disguise, as it can often clarify
the last point below, but the following costumes are therefore banned from being
placed on my head in public: Indian Wigs, Sombreros, Bows, Ties, Boxes,
upside-down cups, bras.
6. Beer Goggles: If I think I may know her from somewhere, I most
likely do not. PLEASE do not request that I go over and see if in fact, I do
actually know that person. This is similar to the old "Hey, you're in my class"
syndrome circa 1992 , and should heretofore be rendered illegal. Coupled with
this is the phrase "Let's Make Out."
While I may be thinking this, please
reinstate the brain-mouth block that would keep this thought from being a
statement, especially in public.
Further ... the subsequent hangovers have GOT to stop. Now, I know a
little penance for our previous evenings' debauchery may be in order, but the
2pm Hangover Immobility (and the new-found-trend of morning booting) is
completely unacceptable. I ask that if the proper steps are proactively taken
on my part (i.e., water, vitamin B, bread products, Advil) prior to going to
bed/passing out facedown on the kitchen with
a bag of pretzels, the hangover to be quite minimal and in no way interfere
with my daily Saturday or Sunday (or any day, for that matter) activities. Come
on now, it's only fair -- you do your part, I'll do mine.
Alcohol, I have enjoyed our relationship for some years now, and want
to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great
stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when we
just don't know what to do with the extra dollars in our pockets. In order to
continue this relationship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above
and address them immediately.
will look for an answer no later than
Thursday at 5pm (pre happy hour)
on your possible solutions and hopefully we
can continue this fruitful partnership.
Thank you for your prompt attention to these matters,