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The News Letter, 030302-1
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By the way, on some of the pictures, if you hover your pointer over the picture, ya might find a comment from me on it,
now that I've learned how to do that.
Now its time for the show to start & I think we'll start now!!!!
This man in a Volkswagen Beetle pulls up next to a guy in a Rolls
Royce at a stop sign.
Their windows are open and he yells at the
guy in the Rolls:
"Hey, you got a telephone in that Rolls?"
The guy in the Rolls says, "Yes, of course I do."
"I got one too... see?"
"Uh, huh, yes, that's very nice."
"You got a fax machine?"
"Why, actually, yes, I do."
"I do too! See? It's right here!"
The light is just about to turn green and the guy in the
"So, do you have a double bed in back there?"
And the guy in the Rolls says, "NO! Do you?"
"Yep, got my double bed right in back here see?!"
The light turns and the man in the Volkswagen takes off.
Well, the guy in the Rolls is not about to be one-upped, so he
goes immediately to a customizing shop and orders them to put a
double bed in back of his car.
About two weeks later, the job is finally done and he picks up
his car and drives all over town looking for the Volkswagen.
He finally finds it parked alongside the road so he pulls his
Rolls up next to it.
The windows on the Volkswagen are all fogged up and he feels a
little awkward about it, but he gets out of his newly modified
Rolls and taps on the foggy window of the Volkswagen.
The man in the Volkswagen finally opens the window a crack and
The guy in the Rolls says, "Hey. Remember me?"
"Yeah, yeah, I remember you. What's up?"
"Check this out... I got a double bed installed in my Rolls."
And the man in the Volkswagen says,
"YOU GOT ME OUT OF THE SHOWER TO TELL ME THAT?!"
A 104 year-old woman was being interviewed by a
"What do you think is the best thing about being
the reporter asked.
She thinks back to her youth and replied, "No
Before And After Falling In Love....
B - You take my breath away
A - I
feel like I'm suffocating
B - She says she loves the way I take control
of the situation
A - She called me a controlling, manipulative
B - Saturday Night Fever
A - Monday Night Football
- He makes me feel like a million dollars
A - If I had a dime for every
stupid thing he's done...
B - The Sound of Music
A - The Sound of
B - It's like I'm in a dream
A - It's like he's in my
B - $60/dozen
A - $1.50/stem
B - We agree on
A - Doesn't she have a mind of her own?
B - Charming and
A - Chernobyl
B - Ideal
A - Idle
B - I love a woman
A- I never said you were fat
B - He's completely lost
A - Why won't he ever ask for directions?
B - Time stood
A - This relationship is going nowhere
B - Croissant and
A - Bagel and instant
B - Blind
A - Nearsighted
- You look so seductive in black
A - Your clothes are so depressing
A - Fish sticks
B - I can hardly believe we found each
A - I can't believe I ended up with someone like you
A deaf mute steps up to tee off on the first hole of a golf course, when a
large burly guy yells "Hey you! Nobody tees off ahead of Big
Being deaf, the guy continues to prepare for his shot. Thinking
mute is being obstinate, Ralph runs up and knocks the poor guy to
ground, kicks his ball away and prepares for his own shot.
Ralph has hit the ball and proceeded down the fairway after it, the
gets up brushes himself off, waits a moment, and again prepares his
The deaf mute then hits a beautiful shot straight up the middle
fairway, striking big Ralph in the back of the head and knocking him
unconscious. The mute then walks down the fairway rolls big Ralph over and
holds up four fingers in front of Ralph's face.
A young man, who was also an avid golfer, found himself with a few hours to
spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could
get in 9 holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off,
an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the
young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the
old man to join him.
To his surprise, the old man played fairly
quickly. He didn't hit the ball
far, but plodded along consistently and
didn't waste much time. Finally,
they reached the 9th fairway and the young
man found himself with a tough
shot. There was a large pine tree right in
front of his ball and directly
between his ball and the green. After several
minutes of debating how to hit
the shot, the old man finally said, "You
know, when I was your age, I'd hit
the ball right over that
With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard,
ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded
the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay.
old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age, that
tree was only 3 feet tall."
A sign at the golf course detailing the dress code:
Guys: No Shirt, No
Girls: No Shirt, No Greens Fees
The duffer muffed his tee shot into the woods, then hit into
a few trees,
then proceeded to hit across the fairway into another woods.
banging away several more times, he proceeded to hit into a
All the while, he'd noticed that the club professional had
"What club should I use now?" he asked the pro.
don't know," the pro replied. "What game are you playing?"
Skill at golf
What is the only 'iron' that can come between a golfer and his
A skillet 'iron'!
James was great at addressing the ball, he hit a magnificent swing
somehow, something went wrong and a horrible slice resulted. The ball
onto the adjoining fairway and hit a man full force. He
James and his partner ran up to the stricken victim who lay, quite
unconscious, with the ball between his feet.
"Good heavens" exclaimed
James, "what shall I do?"
"Don't move him" said his partner, "if we leave him
here he becomes an
immovable obstruction and you can either play the ball as
it lies or drop it
two club lengths away."
20 Words That Really Should Exist
by Rich Hall
ACCORDIONATED (ah kor' de on ay tid)
adj. Being able to drive and refold a
road map at the same time.
2. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks' trus)
Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with
3. AQUALIBRIUM (ak wa lib' re um)
n. The point where the stream
of drinking fountain water is at its perfect
height, thus relieving the
drinker from (a) having to suck the nozzle, or
(b) squirting himself in the
eye (or ear).
4. BURGACIDE (burg' uh side)
n. When a hamburger can't
take any more torture and hurls itself through
the grill into the
5. BUZZACKS (buz' aks)
n. People in phone marts who walk around
picking up display phones and
listening for dial tones even when they know
the phones are not connected.
6. CARPERPETUATION (kar' pur pet u a
n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint
least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it,
putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.
n. A person who insults you in a cheap department store by asking, "Do
8. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt')
v. To sterilize the
piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on
it, somehow assuming
this will `remove' all the germs.
9. ECNALUBMA (ek na lub' ma)
rescue vehicle which can only be seen in the rearview mirror.
EIFFELITES (eye' ful eyetz)
n. Gangly people sitting in front of you at the
movies who, no matter what
direction you lean in, follow suit.
ELBONICS (el bon' iks)
n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one
armrest in a movie
12. ELECELLERATION (el a cel er ay'
n. The mistaken notion that the more you press an elevator button
faster it will arrive.
13. FRUST (frust)
n. The small line of
debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and
keeps backing a person
across the room until he finally decides to give up
and sweep it under the
14. LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun)
the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one
has to resort to
the `illegal' side.
15. NEONPHANCY (ne on' fan see)
n. A fluorescent
light bulb struggling to come to life.
16. PEPPIER (pehp ee ay')
The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be
around asking diners if they want ground pepper.
PETROPHOBIC (pet ro fob' ik)
adj. One who is embarrassed to undress in front
of a household pet.
18. PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n.
The affliction of
dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were
calling just as they
19. PUPKUS (pup' kus)
n. The moist residue left on a window
after a dog presses its nose to it.
20. TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin
n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before
it up, even when you're only six inches away.
Subject: Should Kids Witness Birth
Out of the mouths of babes!
Should Kids Witness
It was late at night and Heidi, who was expecting her second
child, was home
alone with her 3 year old daughter, Katelyn. When Heidi
started to go into
labor she called "911".
Due to a power outage at
the time, only one paramedic responded to the call.
The house was very, very
dark, so the paramedic asked Katelyn to hold a
flashlight high over her mommy
so he could see while he helped deliver the
baby. Very diligently, Katelyn
did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and
pushed, and after a little while
Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him
by his feet, and spanked him on his
bottom. Connor began to cry. The
paramedic then thanked Katelyn for her help,
and asked the wide eyed 3 year
old Katelyn what she thought about what she
had just witnessed.
Katelyn quickly responded, "He shouldn't have
crawled in there in the first
place. Spank him again!"
How Government Works
Once upon a time the
government had a vast
scrap yard in the middle of a desert. Congress
said "someone may steal from it at night." So
they created a night watchman
hired a person for the job.
Then Congress said, "How
does the watchman do
his job without instruction?" So they created
planning department and hired two people, one
person to write the
instructions, and one person
to do time studies.
said, "How will we know the night
watchman is doing the tasks correctly?"
created a Quality Control department and hired
One to do the studies and one to
write the reports.
said, "How are these people going
to get paid?" So they created the
positions, a time keeper, and a payroll officer,
Then Congress said, "Who will be accountable for
of these people?" So they created an
administrative section and hired three
Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative
and a Legal Secretary.
Then Congress said, "We have had this command
operation for one year and we are $18,000 over
budget, we must
cutback overall cost."
So they laid off the night watchman.
Four old friends met one Saturday morning for a
game of golf.
hills are getting steeper as the years go by,"
fairways seem to be getting longer, too,"
wheezed the second.
somehow, the sand traps seem to be bigger than
I remember 'em," said the
Having listened to his friends' complaints, the oldest
four responded quietly and wisely:
"Oh, my friends, just be thankful
we're still on THIS
side of the grass!"
The doctor is holding his stethoscope up to a
inquires, somewhat anxiously, "So,
Doc, how do I stand?"
says, "Give me a minute; that's
what I'm trying to find out!"
with apologies to Edgar Allen Poe......
Once upon a midnight
fingers cramped and vision bleary,
System manuals piled
and wasted paper on the floor,
Longing for the warmth of
Still I sat there, doing spreadsheets:
Having reached the
I took a floppy from the drawer.
Typing with a steady
I then invoked the SAVE command
and waited for the disk to
Only this and nothing more.
Deep into the monitor
long I sat there wond'ring, fearing,
Doubting, while the disk
turning yet to churn some more.
"Save!" I said, "You cursed
Save my data from before!"
One thing did the phosphors
only this and nothing more,
Just, "Abort, Retry,
Was this some occult illusion?
These were choices undesired,
ones I'd never faced
Carefully, I weighed the choices
as the disk made impish
The cursor flashed, insistent, waiting,
baiting me to type some
Clearly I must press a key,
choosing one and nothing more,
"Choose Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
With my fingers pale and
Slowly toward the keyboard bending,
Longing for a happy
hoping all would be restored,
Praying for some
Timidly I pressed a key.
But on the screen there still
words appearing as before.
Ghastly grim they blinked and
haunted, as my patience wore,
Saying "Abort, Retry,
I tried to catch the chips off-guard --
I pressed again, but
twice as hard.
I pleaded with the cursed machine:
I begged and cried and
then I swore.
Now in desperation, trying random combinations,
came the incantation,
just as senseless as before.
blinking nonsense as before.
Reading, "Abort, Retry,
There I sat, distraught, exhausted
by my own machine
Getting up I turned away
and paced across the office
And then I saw dreadful sight:
a lightning bolt cut through the
A gasp of horror overtook me,
shook me to my core.
zapped my previous data,
lost and gone forevermore.
Not even, "Abort,
To this day I do not know
The place to which lost data
What demonic nether world is wrought
where data will be
Beyond the reach of mortal souls,
beyond the ether, into black
But sure as there's C, Pascal,
Lotus, Ashton-Tate and more,
will one day be left to wander,
lost on some Plutonian shore,
"Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
Looking back, it's hard to believe that we have lived as long
My Mom used to cut chicken, chop eggs and spread mayo
same cutting board with the same knife and no
bleach, but we didn't seem to
get food poisoning.
My Mom used to defrost hamburger on the counter AND
used to eat it raw sometimes too, but I can't remember
We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors,
cabinets, and when we rode our bikes we had no helmets.
with toy guns, cowboys and Indians, army, cops
and robbers, and used our
fingers to simulate guns when
the toy ones or my BB gun was not
Some students weren't as smart as others or didn't
hard so they failed a grade and were held back to repeat the
grade. That generation produced some of the greatest
risk-takers and problem
solvers. We had the freedom,
failure, success and responsibility, and we
learned how to
deal with it all.
Almost all of us would have rather
gone swimming in the
lake instead of a pristine pool (talk about boring), the
cell phone would have conjured up a phone in a jail cell, and
was the school PA system.
We all took gym, not PE, and risked permanent
a pair of high top Ked's (only worn in gym) instead of
cross-training athletic shoes with air cushion soles and built
light reflectors. I can't recall any injuries but they must
because they tell us how much safer we are
now. Flunking gym was not an
option... even for stupid kids!
I guess PE must be much harder than
Every year, someone taught the whole school a lesson by
in the halls with leather soles on linoleum tile and
hitting the wet spot.
How much better off would we be today
if we only knew we could have sued the
Speaking of school, we all said prayers and the pledge
stayed in detention after school and caught all sorts of
attention for the next two weeks. We must have
had horribly damaged
I can't understand it. Schools didn't offer 14 year olds
abortion or condoms (we wouldn't have known what either
was anyway) but
they did give us a couple of aspirin and
cough syrup if we started getting
the sniffles. What an
archaic health system we had then. Remember
nurses? Ours wore a hat and everything.
I thought that I was
supposed to accomplish something
before I was allowed to be proud of
I just can't recall how bored we were without
PlayStation, Nintendo, X-box or 270 digital cable stations.
must be repressing that memory as I try to rationalize
denial of the dangers could have befallen us as
we trekked off each day about
a mile down the road to
some guy's vacant 20, built forts out of branches and
of plywood, made trails, and fought over who got to be the
What was that property owner thinking, letting us play on
lot. He should have been locked up for not putting up a
fence around the
property, complete with a self-closing gate
and an infrared intruder
Oh yeah... and where was the Benadryl and sterilization
when I got that bee sting? I could have been killed!
king of the hill on piles of gravel left on vacant
construction sites and
when we got hurt, Mom pulled out
the 48 cent bottle of mercurochrome and then
we got our
butt spanked. Now it's a trip to the emergency room,
by a 10-day dose of a $49 bottle of antibiotics and
then Mom calls the
attorney to sue the contractor for
leaving a horribly vicious pile of gravel
where it was such a
We didn't act up at the neighbor's house
either because if
we did, we got our butt spanked (physical abuse) ...
then we got our butt spanked again when we got home.
the door to door salesman inside for coffee,
kids choked down the dust from
the gravel driveway while
playing with Tonka trucks(remember why Tonka trucks
made tough... it wasn't so that they could take the rough
the family room), and Dad drove a car with leaded
Our music had
to be left inside when we went out to play
and I am sure that I nearly
exhausted my imagination a
couple of times when we went on two week
should probably sue the folks now for the danger they put
in when we all slept in campgrounds in the family tent.
spent behind the push lawnmower and I
didn't even know that mowers came with
motors until I was
13 and we got one without an automatic blade-stop or
auto-drive; How sick were my parents?
Of course my parents weren't
the only psychos. I recall
Donny Reynolds from next door coming over and
tricks on the front stoop just before he fell off. Little did
Mom know that she could have owned our house. Instead
she picked him
up and swatted him for being such a goof. It
was a neighborhood run
To top it off, not a single person I knew had ever been
that they were from a dysfunctional family. How could we
have known that we needed to get into group
therapy and anger management
classes? We were
obviously so duped by so many societal ills, that we
even notice that the entire country wasn't taking Prozac!
did we survive?
Ok I ran out of text again so the rest is Pictures, Hope ya enjoy !
& now your at the end of the letter, I hope that you enjoyed !
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Note the link goes back to MSA where I get a lot of my scripts at now.
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thanks, David 1
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