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The News Letter, 030302-1

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By the way, on some of the pictures, if you hover your pointer over the picture, ya might find a comment from me on it,
now that I've learned how to do that.



Now its time for the show to start & I think we'll start now!!!!


I love you Susan.


This man in a Volkswagen Beetle pulls up next to a guy in a Rolls Royce at a stop sign.
Their windows are open and he yells at the guy in the Rolls:
"Hey, you got a telephone in that Rolls?"

The guy in the Rolls says, "Yes, of course I do."

"I got one too... see?"

"Uh, huh, yes, that's very nice."

"You got a fax machine?"

"Why, actually, yes, I do."

"I do too! See? It's right here!"

"Uh-huh."

The light is just about to turn green and the guy in the Volkswagen says,
"So, do you have a double bed in back there?"

And the guy in the Rolls says, "NO! Do you?"

"Yep, got my double bed right in back here see?!"

The light turns and the man in the Volkswagen takes off.

Well, the guy in the Rolls is not about to be one-upped, so he goes immediately to a customizing shop and orders them to put a double bed in back of his car.

About two weeks later, the job is finally done and he picks up his car and drives all over town looking for the Volkswagen.

He finally finds it parked alongside the road so he pulls his Rolls up next to it.
The windows on the Volkswagen are all fogged up and he feels a little awkward about it, but he gets out of his newly modified Rolls and taps on the foggy window of the Volkswagen.

The man in the Volkswagen finally opens the window a crack and peeks out.

The guy in the Rolls says, "Hey. Remember me?"

"Yeah, yeah, I remember you. What's up?"

"Check this out... I got a double bed installed in my Rolls."

And the man in the Volkswagen says,

"YOU GOT ME OUT OF THE SHOWER TO TELL ME THAT?!"





A 104 year-old woman was being interviewed by a reporter:
 
"What do you think is the best thing about being 104?"
the reporter asked.
 
She thinks back to her youth and replied, "No peer pressure!"



I can remember those days.



Before And After Falling In Love....

B - You take my breath away
A - I feel like I'm suffocating

B - She says she loves the way I take control of the situation
A - She called me a controlling, manipulative egomaniac

B - Saturday Night Fever
A - Monday Night Football

B - He makes me feel like a million dollars
A - If I had a dime for every stupid thing he's done...

B - The Sound of Music
A - The Sound of Silence

B - It's like I'm in a dream
A - It's like he's in my nightmare

B - $60/dozen
A - $1.50/stem

B - We agree on everything!
A - Doesn't she have a mind of her own?

B - Charming and Noble
A - Chernobyl

B - Ideal
A - Idle

B - I love a woman with curves
A-  I never said you were fat

B - He's completely lost without me
A - Why won't he ever ask for directions?

B - Time stood still
A - This relationship is going nowhere

B - Croissant and cappuccino
A - Bagel and instant

B - Blind
A - Nearsighted

B - You look so seductive in black
A - Your clothes are so depressing

B - Oysters
A - Fish sticks

B - I can hardly believe we found each other
A - I can't believe I ended up with someone like you





A deaf mute steps up to tee off on the first hole of a golf course, when a
large burly guy yells "Hey you! Nobody tees off ahead of Big Ralph."

Being deaf, the guy continues to prepare for his shot. Thinking the deaf
mute is being obstinate, Ralph runs up and knocks the poor guy to the
ground, kicks his ball away and prepares for his own shot.

After Ralph has hit the ball and proceeded down the fairway after it, the
mute gets up brushes himself off, waits a moment, and again prepares his
shot.

The deaf mute then hits a beautiful shot straight up the middle of the
fairway, striking big Ralph in the back of the head and knocking him
unconscious. The mute then walks down the fairway rolls big Ralph over and
holds up four fingers in front of Ralph's face.





A young man, who was also an avid golfer, found himself with a few hours to
spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could
get in 9 holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off,
an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the
young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the
old man to join him.

To his surprise, the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball
far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time. Finally,
they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough
shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball and directly
between his ball and the green. After several minutes of debating how to hit
the shot, the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age, I'd hit
the ball right over that tree."

With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the
ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on
the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay.

The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age, that
pine tree was only 3 feet tall."





A sign at the golf course detailing the dress code:

Guys: No Shirt, No Golf

Girls: No Shirt, No Greens Fees





Golfing Tip

The duffer muffed his tee shot into the woods, then hit into a few trees,
then proceeded to hit across the fairway into another woods. Finally, after
banging away several more times, he proceeded to hit into a sand trap.

All the while, he'd noticed that the club professional had been watching.

"What club should I use now?" he asked the pro.

"I don't know," the pro replied. "What game are you playing?"





Skill at golf
What is the only 'iron' that can come between a golfer and his clubs?
A skillet 'iron'!





Tough lie
James was great at addressing the ball, he hit a magnificent swing but,
somehow, something went wrong and a horrible slice resulted. The ball went
onto the adjoining fairway and hit a man full force. He dropped!
James and his partner ran up to the stricken victim who lay, quite
unconscious, with the ball between his feet.
"Good heavens" exclaimed James, "what shall I do?"
"Don't move him" said his partner, "if we leave him here he becomes an
immovable obstruction and you can either play the ball as it lies or drop it
two club lengths away."





20 Words That Really Should Exist
by Rich Hall



1. ACCORDIONATED (ah kor' de on ay tid)
adj. Being able to drive and refold a road map at the same time.

2. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks' trus)
adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with
your toes.

3. AQUALIBRIUM (ak wa lib' re um)
n. The point where the stream of drinking fountain water is at its perfect
height, thus relieving the drinker from (a) having to suck the nozzle, or
(b) squirting himself in the eye (or ear).

4. BURGACIDE (burg' uh side)
n. When a hamburger can't take any more torture and hurls itself through
the grill into the coals.

5. BUZZACKS (buz' aks)
n. People in phone marts who walk around picking up display phones and
listening for dial tones even when they know the phones are not connected.

6. CARPERPETUATION (kar' pur pet u a shun)
n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at
least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then
putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.

7. DIMP (dimp)
n. A person who insults you in a cheap department store by asking, "Do you
work here?"

8. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt')
v. To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on
it, somehow assuming this will `remove' all the germs.

9. ECNALUBMA (ek na lub' ma)
n. A rescue vehicle which can only be seen in the rearview mirror.

10. EIFFELITES (eye' ful eyetz)
n. Gangly people sitting in front of you at the movies who, no matter what
direction you lean in, follow suit.

11. ELBONICS (el bon' iks)
n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie
theater.

12. ELECELLERATION (el a cel er ay' shun)
n. The mistaken notion that the more you press an elevator button the
faster it will arrive.

13. FRUST (frust)
n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and
keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up
and sweep it under the rug.

14. LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun)
n. Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one
has to resort to the `illegal' side.

15. NEONPHANCY (ne on' fan see)
n. A fluorescent light bulb struggling to come to life.

16. PEPPIER (pehp ee ay')
n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking
around asking diners if they want ground pepper.

17. PETROPHOBIC (pet ro fob' ik)
adj. One who is embarrassed to undress in front of a household pet.

18. PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n.
The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were
calling just as they answer.

19. PUPKUS (pup' kus)
n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.

20. TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun)
n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick
it up, even when you're only six inches away.





Subject: Should Kids Witness Birth

Out of the mouths of babes!
 
Should Kids Witness Birth?
 
It was late at night and Heidi, who was expecting her second child, was home
alone with her 3 year old daughter, Katelyn. When Heidi started to go into
labor she called "911".
 
Due to a power outage at the time, only one paramedic responded to the call.
The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Katelyn to hold a
flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the
baby. Very diligently, Katelyn did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and
pushed, and after a little while Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him
by his feet, and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry. The
paramedic then thanked Katelyn for her help, and asked the wide eyed 3 year
old Katelyn what she thought about what she had just witnessed.
 
Katelyn quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first
place. Spank him again!"






How Government Works
   ----------------------
  Once upon a time the government had a vast
  scrap yard in the middle of a desert. Congress
  said "someone may steal from it at night." So
  they created a night watchman position and
  hired a person for the job.

  Then Congress said, "How does the watchman do
  his job without instruction?" So they created
  a planning department and hired two people, one
  person to write the instructions, and one person
  to do time studies.

  Then Congress said, "How will we know the night
  watchman is doing the tasks correctly?" So they
  created a Quality Control department and hired
  two people.  One to do the studies and one to
  write the reports.

  Then Congress said, "How are these people going
  to get paid?"  So they created the following
  positions, a time keeper, and a payroll officer,
  then hired two people.

  Then Congress said, "Who will be accountable for
  all of these people?" So they created an
  administrative section and hired three people, an
  Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative
  Officer, and a Legal Secretary.

  Then Congress said, "We have had this command in
  operation for one year and we are $18,000 over
  budget, we must cutback overall cost."

  So they laid off the night watchman.





Four old friends met one Saturday morning for a
game of golf.

"These hills are getting steeper as the years go by,"
one complained.

"These fairways seem to be getting longer, too,"
wheezed the second.

"And somehow, the sand traps seem to be bigger than
I remember 'em," said the third.

Having listened to his friends' complaints, the oldest
of the four responded quietly and wisely:

"Oh, my friends, just be thankful we're still on THIS
side of the grass!"





The doctor is holding his stethoscope up to a
man's chest.

The patient inquires, somewhat anxiously, "So,
Doc, how do I stand?"

The doctor says, "Give me a minute; that's
what I'm trying to find out!"





with apologies to Edgar Allen Poe......

Once upon a midnight dreary,
fingers cramped and vision bleary,
System manuals piled high
and wasted paper on the floor,
Longing for the warmth of bedsheets,
Still I sat there, doing spreadsheets:
Having reached the bottom line,
I took a floppy from the drawer.
Typing with a steady hand,
I then invoked the SAVE command
and waited for the disk to store,
Only this and nothing more.

Deep into the monitor peering,
long I sat there wond'ring, fearing,
Doubting, while the disk kept churning,
turning yet to churn some more.
"Save!" I said, "You cursed mother!
Save my data from before!"
One thing did the phosphors answer,
only this and nothing more,
Just, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

Was this some occult illusion?
Some maniacal intrusion?
These were choices undesired,
ones I'd never faced before.
Carefully, I weighed the choices
as the disk made impish noises.
The cursor flashed, insistent, waiting,
baiting me to type some more.
Clearly I must press a key,
choosing one and nothing more,
From "Choose Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

With my fingers pale and trembling
Slowly toward the keyboard bending,
Longing for a happy ending,
hoping all would be restored,
Praying for some guarantee
Timidly I pressed a key.
But on the screen there still persisted
words appearing as before.
Ghastly grim they blinked and taunted,
haunted, as my patience wore,
Saying "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

I tried to catch the chips off-guard --
I pressed again, but twice as hard.
I pleaded with the cursed machine:
I begged and cried and then I swore.
Now in desperation, trying random combinations,
Still there came the incantation,
just as senseless as before.
Cursor blinking, angrily winking,
blinking nonsense as before.
Reading, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

There I sat, distraught, exhausted
by my own machine accosted
Getting up I turned away
and paced across the office floor.
And then I saw dreadful sight:
a lightning bolt cut through the night.
A gasp of horror overtook me,
shook me to my core.
The lightning zapped my previous data,
lost and gone forevermore.
Not even, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

To this day I do not know
The place to which lost data goes.
What demonic nether world is wrought
where data will be stored,
Beyond the reach of mortal souls,
beyond the ether, into black holes?
But sure as there's C, Pascal,
Lotus, Ashton-Tate and more,
You will one day be left to wander,
lost on some Plutonian shore,
Pleading, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

Unknown



Agreed



Looking back, it's hard to believe that we have lived as long
as we have.....

My Mom used to cut chicken, chop eggs and spread mayo
on the same cutting board with the same knife and no
bleach, but we didn't seem to get food poisoning.

My Mom used to defrost hamburger on the counter AND I
used to eat it raw sometimes too, but I can't remember
getting E-coli.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors, or
cabinets, and when we rode our bikes we had no helmets.

We played with toy guns, cowboys and Indians, army, cops
and robbers, and used our fingers to simulate guns when
the toy ones or my BB gun was not available.

Some students weren't as smart as others or didn't work
hard so they failed a grade and were held back to repeat the
same grade. That generation produced some of the greatest
risk-takers and problem solvers. We had the freedom,
failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to
deal with it all.

Almost all of us would have rather gone swimming in the
lake instead of a pristine pool (talk about boring), the term
cell phone would have conjured up a phone in a jail cell, and
a pager was the school PA system.

We all took gym, not PE, and risked permanent injury with
a pair of high top Ked's (only worn in gym) instead of having
cross-training athletic shoes with air cushion soles and built
in light reflectors. I can't recall any injuries but they must
have happened because they tell us how much safer we are
now. Flunking gym was not an option... even for stupid kids!
I guess PE must be much harder than gym.

Every year, someone taught the whole school a lesson by
running in the halls with leather soles on linoleum tile and
hitting the wet spot. How much better off would we be today
if we only knew we could have sued the school system.

Speaking of school, we all said prayers and the pledge and
stayed in detention after school and caught all sorts of
negative attention for the next two weeks. We must have
had horribly damaged psyches.

I can't understand it. Schools didn't offer 14 year olds an
abortion or condoms (we wouldn't have known what either
was anyway) but they did give us a couple of aspirin and
cough syrup if we started getting the sniffles. What an
archaic health system we had then. Remember school
nurses? Ours wore a hat and everything.

I thought that I was supposed to accomplish something
before I was allowed to be proud of myself.

I just can't recall how bored we were without computers,
PlayStation, Nintendo, X-box or 270 digital cable stations. I
must be repressing that memory as I try to rationalize
through the denial of the dangers could have befallen us as
we trekked off each day about a mile down the road to
some guy's vacant 20, built forts out of branches and pieces
of plywood, made trails, and fought over who got to be the
Lone Ranger.

What was that property owner thinking, letting us play on
that lot. He should have been locked up for not putting up a
fence around the property, complete with a self-closing gate
and an infrared intruder alarm.

Oh yeah... and where was the Benadryl and sterilization kit
when I got that bee sting? I could have been killed!

We played king of the hill on piles of gravel left on vacant
construction sites and when we got hurt, Mom pulled out
the 48 cent bottle of mercurochrome and then we got our
butt spanked. Now it's a trip to the emergency room,
followed by a 10-day dose of a $49 bottle of antibiotics and
then Mom calls the attorney to sue the contractor for
leaving a horribly vicious pile of gravel where it was such a
threat.

We didn't act up at the neighbor's house either because if
we did, we got our butt spanked (physical abuse) ... and
then we got our butt spanked again when we got home.

Mom invited the door to door salesman inside for coffee,
kids choked down the dust from the gravel driveway while
playing with Tonka trucks(remember why Tonka trucks were
made tough... it wasn't so that they could take the rough
berber in the family room), and Dad drove a car with leaded
gas.

Our music had to be left inside when we went out to play
and I am sure that I nearly exhausted my imagination a
couple of times when we went on two week vacations. I
should probably sue the folks now for the danger they put
us in when we all slept in campgrounds in the family tent.

Summers were spent behind the push lawnmower and I
didn't even know that mowers came with motors until I was
13 and we got one without an automatic blade-stop or an
auto-drive; How sick were my parents?

Of course my parents weren't the only psychos. I recall
Donny Reynolds from next door coming over and doing his
tricks on the front stoop just before he fell off. Little did his
Mom know that she could have owned our house. Instead
she picked him up and swatted him for being such a goof. It
was a neighborhood run amuck.

To top it off, not a single person I knew had ever been told
that they were from a dysfunctional family. How could we
possibly have known that we needed to get into group
therapy and anger management classes? We were
obviously so duped by so many societal ills, that we didn't
even notice that the entire country wasn't taking Prozac!

How did we survive?


On my way Dear


Ok I ran out of text again so the rest is Pictures, Hope ya enjoy !














& now your at the end of the letter, I hope that you enjoyed !

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Note the link goes back to MSA where I get a lot of my scripts at now.


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thanks, David 1







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