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The News Letter, 030223

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By the way, on some of the pictures, if you hover your pointer over the picture, ya might find a comment from me on it,
now that I've learned how to do that.

Now its time for the show to start & I think we'll start now!!!!

How to Prepare for A Hospital Stay

1. Lay nude on the front lawn and ask the weed man to probe you with his
2. Drink a quart of Sherwin-Williams Eggshell One-Coat Coverage Interior
Flat White #2. Then have your child stuff his slinky down your throat.
3. Put a real estate agent's 'Open House' sign on your front yard and
lie on your bed dressed in a paper napkin with straws stuck up your
4. Put your hand down the garbage disposal while practicing your smile
and repeating: "mild discomfort".
5. Set your alarm to go off every ten minutes from ten PM to seven AM,
at which times you will alternately  puncture your wrist with a
Phillips (squarehead) screwdriver and stab yourself with a dull knitting
6. Remove all actual food from the house.
7. With several strands of Christmas lights strung from a coat tree and
onto yourself, walk slowly up and down the hall.
8. Practice urinating into an empty lipstick tube.

Susan I just don't even 
want to hear it (LOL)

A client brought a litter of golden retriever
puppies to my veterinary clinic for inoculations
and worming. As the look-alike pups squirmed
over and under one another in their box,
I realized it would be difficult to tell the
treated ones from the rest. So, I turned on
the water faucet, wet my fingers, and moistened
each dog's head when I had finished.
After the fourth puppy, I noticed my talkative
client had grown silent. As I sprinkled the
last pup's head, the woman leaned forward and
whispered, "I didn't know they had to be
baptized, too."

Hey, Bob! You say you're a songwriter?" Andy said.
"I sure am. Why, I've written songs for Michael
Jackson, Faith Hill, Ricky Martin, Britney Spears,
and Madonna." Bob said, modestly.
"Wow! Have all those stars sung your songs?"
"Well, actually, I didn't say they sang any of
them. I just said I wrote songs for them."

At a wedding ceremony that I was performing,
I raised my hand to give the final blessing.
The bride misunderstood my gesture and
surprised me with a high-five.
Not wanting to exclude the groom, I offered
him a high-five, too.
I was finally able to get my blessing in,
amid the laughter of the guests.

Agreed 100%

Little Benny was looking depressed, so his
fourth grade teacher, Miss Feldman, asked,
"What's the problem, Benny? I hope it's not
homework again..."
"Well, uh, yes it is, mam" replied Little
Benny. "I made my homework paper into a
paper airplane."
"Benny, that wasn't a very bright thing to
do," Miss Feldman said, "but this once, I'll
let you just unfold the paper and hand it in."
"Oh, but it's worse than that..." replied
Little Benny, looking even sadder. "You see,
the plane was hijacked!"

Now this has happened in 
real life to me.

The teacher was telling the class about plants
that have the word "dog" in front of them:
dogrose, dogwood, dog violet.
She asked the class if they could name another
flower with the prefix "dog."
Steven raised his hand and said, "Sure, Miss
Jones, a 'collie' flower!"

YES she did

My friend and I run a kids' clothing consignment
sale twice a year called "Duck, Duck, Goose,"
after the popular childrens' game.
One time we advertised our sale in the local
newspaper, and I checked to make sure it
appeared on the front page of the classifieds
as we had requested. It wasn't there.
I started looking through the section, worried
that it hadn't run at all. Finally I found it
in the "Livestock" listings. It was placed
beneath the category titled "Poultry."

A boy of six, visiting the country for the
first time, came running to his mother.
Bubbling over with excitement, he said,
"I just saw a man who makes horses."

"Are you certain?" his mother asked

"Yup.   The horse was almost done; the man
was just nailing on his back feet!"

I dunno

A tough case was being argued in court. The
defence attorney, feeling that he was in
trouble, sent the judge a bottle of hundred
year old brandy.
The defendant said to his Attorney. "The
judge'll kill me.  Trying to bribe him!
We're dead!"
"I don't think so," his attorney told him.
"I sent it in the other lawyer's name!"

A woman walks into a vet's waiting room. She's dragging a wet
rabbit on a leash. The rabbit does not want to be there.

"Sit, Fluffy," she says.

Fluffy glares at her, and sopping wet, jumps up on another
customer's lap, getting water all over him.

"I said sit, now there's a good Fluffy," says the woman, slightly

Fluffy, wet already, squats in the middle of the room and

The woman, mortally embarrassed, shouts, "Fluffy, will you be

Fluffy then starts a fight with a Doberman and pursues it out of
the office.

As the woman leaves to go after it, she turns to the rest of the
flabbergasted customers and says:

"Pardon me, I've just washed my hare, and can't do a thing with it!"

YUP, that might just be a good idea

The Vanderbilt were proud of their family tradition. Their ancestors had
to America on the Mayflower. They had included Senators and Wall Street

They decided to compile a family history, a legacy for their children and
grandchildren. They hired a fine author. Only one problem arose - how to
handle that great-uncle George, who was executed in the electric chair.

The author said he could handle the story tactfully.

The book appeared. It said "Great-uncle George occupied a chair of applied
electronics at an important government institution, was attached to his
position by the strongest of ties, and his death came as a great shock."

Farting Etiquette

It's becoming increasingly clear that there are a lot of men (and maybe some women, although I've never experienced it) who are unfamiliar with the etiquette of farting. Most men are repeat offenders when it comes to such transgressions. I've seen (heard? smelled?) men farting in grocery stores, in elevators, on the street, etc. It needs to stop.
Here are THE RULES of farting etiquette for those of you who are still unsure:

There is no farting allowed. You will hold your fart in until you locate a public restroom and enter a closed stall. You may not fart in the main lobby of the restroom.

If you should be suddenly seized by a painful urge to fart that forces you to lose control of your will regarding the matter, you must apologize embarrassedly and profusely to all those around you who might have been offended.

If you should be suddenly seized by a painful urge to fart that nearly forces you to do so, but not quite, you may try to get as far away from any people that might be nearby and *try* your best to squeeze out the minimum amount of air that will buy you time until you can make it to a rest room.

Again, there is no farting allowed. All the rules of #1 apply, except more strongly because these are people you will usually have to be with again. You don't want them to form an unsavory opinion of you. If you fart in front of one (or more) of them, all but the most open-minded of them will always see you as Fartman in the future... Especially the women.

You may fart under certain circumstances.
First of all, you must know your friend's stance on farting in general. For some people there is no farting allowed in their presence at any time. If you are close enough to this friend to know that farting is seen more as a humorous thing than a shameful or repulsive act, then cautious farting is acceptable.

In these circumstances you must make sure you are well away from your friend, at least as far away as the length of your sofa, but farther if possible. You must make sure that the mood is right for farting. Farting can be seen as disrespectful if you do it while there is a serious or somber air in the room. The mood must be light-hearted and pleasant. You want to make sure that conditions are favorable for farting. After you fart, you might want to gauge whether your friend(s) was offended or amused by your gaseous emission and either respond with an apology or a joke/laugh.
If you don't know your friend well enough to understand their full fart belief system, act accordingly with #1 and #2.

This all depends on your family. In some families farting is frowned upon as a filthy and shameful habit. Some families can't even bring themselves to utter the word "fart". In other families farting is great fun and a source of many family jokes and much laughter. Only you know for sure which category your family falls into. Please don't try to shock your dear mother by intentionally going against family fart policy.

Usually you may fart while in the presence of your very closest and intimate friends and lovers. These people love you and will not stop loving you over some noxious hinal emissions. Usually. There are strict rules for such farting, however, and these rules can make or break a relationship.
Firstly, you must never fart while having a serious discussion of any kind. I don't care if it's a discussion about bills, weekend plans, your sex life, etc. It's disrespectful to interrupt such conversations with a fart.

You must also never fart during a moment of tenderness. Sweet talk, billing and cooing, foreplay, sexual intercourse, etc. must never be marred by a fart. This is a small rejection of sorts. Even if you don't mean it that way, it can spoil the mood bigtime.

You must never fart during an argument. If you fart during an argument, you will lose the argument. During an argument you are no longer granted "lover" or "intimate friend" status. You must revert back to the rules for #1 and #2 for the duration of the argument. Your full privileges as "intimate friend" will usually return after the argument has ended.
You must never fart with your back facing your friend (unless you are joking and you know that your friend will find this humorous).

You must never fart as you walk past your friend. You could have farted in the other room or you could hold it until you get to your final destination, so why fart right when you pass your friend? It will seem like you are disregarding your friend's comfort.

Never fart in the car. This is a most repulsive situation that will linger far too long and cause much discomfort to any passenger no matter how close you are.

In order to ensure safe farting practices, discuss your feelings on the matter with your loved one. Establish your own rules for farting humor. If you feel you MUST fart due to some unexpected gas pain and you are in a situation that forbids it, please apologize in advance if possible and then again after the deed has been done. Explain that you are not feeling well. Among close friends this should be explanation enough.

Some people find farting to be the most humorous thing in the world. If you are this type of person, please don't assume everyone shares your sensibilities. Ask questions. Experiment with farting stories before attempting your own sonic boom. Watch facial expressions. Make sure your fart is actually humorous. There's nothing funny about a big wet fart that stinks up a small car for fifteen minutes while your grandmother holds a hanky to her face. Well, there is... But sometimes it's a tragicomedy.

OHHHHHHH I hope that never 
happens to me

* "A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least
expect it.  That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit"

* "Aim towards Enemy" - Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher

* When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.

* If it's stupid, ...but it works, ....it isn't stupid.

* Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate.  The bombs
always hit the ground.

* If the enemy is in range, so are you.

* It is generally inadvisable to parachute directly over the  area
you just bombed.

* Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously  never
encountered automatic weapons.

* When in doubt, empty the magazine.

* Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo.

* Odd objects attract fire - never lurk behind one.

* Incoming fire has the right of way.

* Tracers work both ways.

* Five second fuses only last three seconds.

* Who cares if a laser guided 2000 lb. bomb is accurate  to within 9 feet?

* Hey stupid...The easy way is always mined.

* Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last,  and don't ever
volunteer to do anything.

* Never share a fox hole with anyone braver than you.

* Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid.

* Teamwork is essential.  It gives the enemy someone else to shoot at.

* Push to test... Release to detonate.

* No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection.

* If it makes it too tough for the enemy to get in, 
guess what?.... you can't get out.

* Any ship can be a minesweeper... once.

* The more you sweat in peace, the less you bleed in war.

* Don't draw fire, it irritates the people around you.

* The enemy invariably attacks on one of two occasions: 
When you're ready for them.  When you're not ready for them.

* Friendly fire. . .  isn't.

* When you're short of everything but the enemy, you're in combat.

* Land mines are equal opportunity weapons.

* If you find yourself in a fair fight, you didn't plan your mission properly.

ATM Procedure

Male Procedure

1) Drive up to the cash machine
2) Wind down your car window
3) Insert card into machine and enter PIN
4) Enter amount of cash required and withdraw
5) Retrieve card, cash and receipt
6) Wind up window

Female Procedure

1)  Drive up to cash machine
2)  Reverse back the required amount to align car window to
3)  Re-start the stalled engine
4)  Wind down the window
5)  Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to
    locate card
6)  Locate make-up bag and check make-up in rear view mirror
7)  Attempt to insert card into machine
8)  Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its
    excessive distance from car
9)  Insert card
10) Re- insert card right way up
11) Re- enter the handbag to find diary with your PIN written on
    the inside back page
12) Enter PIN
13) Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN
14) Enter amount of cash required
15) Re-cheek make-up in rear view mirror
16) Retrieve cash and receipt
17) Empty handbag again to locate purse and place cash inside
18) Place receipt in back of cheque book
19) Re-check make-up again
20) Drive forward 2 metres
21) Reverse back to cash machine
22) Retrieve card
23) Re-empty handbag, locate card holder and place card into
    the slot provided
24) Re-check make-up
25) Restart stalled engine and pull off
26) Drive for 3 to 4 miles
27) Release hand brake

The world's easiest quiz . . . or is it?

1 How long did the Hundred Years War last?
2 Which country makes Panama hats?
3 From which animal do we get catgut?
4 In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
5 What is a camel's hair brush made of?
6 The Canary Islands in the Atlantic are named after what animal
7 What was King George VI's first name?
8 What colour is a purple finch?
9 Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
10 How long did the Thirty Years War last?

Click here to skip to the answers






Answers to the quiz

1  116 years, from 1337 to 1453.
2  Ecuador.
3  From sheep and horses.
4  November. The Russian calendar was 13 days behind ours.
5  Squirrel fur.
6  The Latin name was Insularia Canaria - Island of the Dogs.
7  Albert. When he came to the throne in 1936 he respected the
   wish of Queen Victoria that no future king should ever be
   called Albert.
8  Distinctively crimson.
9  New Zealand.
10 Thirty years, of course. From 1618 to 1648.

Click Here for back to the Questions

NO comment what so ever.

What happens when you fall in love with:

A chef? (You get buttered up.)

A chauffeur? (You get taken for a ride.)

A gambler? (He cheats on you.)

A telephone operator? (He gives you a phone-y line.)

A trashman? (He dumps you.)

A clockmaker? (He two-times you.)

A pastry cook? (He desserts you.)

A shoe salesman? (He walks all over you.)

An elevator operator? (He lets you down.)

An artist? (He gives you the brush.)

A jogger? (He gives you the run-around.)

Yes I truly do, & the pressure 
never goes away at my house.

David 1 received a parrot for his birthday.  This parrot
was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse
vocabulary.  Every other word was an expletive.  Those
that weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude.

David 1 tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was
constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, and
anything else that came to mind. Nothing worked.  He
yelled at the bird and the bird got worse.  He shook the
bird and the bird got madder and ruder.

Finally, in a moment of desperation, David 1 put the
parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the
bird squawking, kicking and screaming and then,
suddenly, all was quiet.

David 1, frightened that he might have actually hurt the
bird, quickly opened the freezer door.  The parrot
calmly stepped out onto David 1's extended arm and said,
"I'm sorry that I offended you with my language and
actions.  I ask for your forgiveness."

David 1 was astounded at the bird's change in attitude and
was about to ask what changed him when the parrot

"May I ask what the chicken did?"

Thanks Fred, I needed that.

I never understood Why she 
didn't do that either.

Squirrel  Chips

A small town had two churches, Presbyterian and Methodist, and a
Synagogue. All three had a serious problem with squirrels in their
building. Each in its own fashion had a meeting to deal with the

The Presbyterians decided that it was predestined that squirrels be in
the church and that they would just have to live with them.

The Methodists decided they should deal with the squirrels lovingly in
the style of Charles Wesley. They humanely trapped them and released
them in a park at the edge of town. Within 3 days, they were all back in
the church.

The Jews had the best solution. They voted the squirrels in as members.
Now they only see them at Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kipper.

I really just don't know. 
Go Ask her.

An optimist sees the best in the world, while a pessimist sees only the
worst. An optimist finds the positive in the negative, and a pessimist
can only find the negative in the positive.

For example, an avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog.
His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water
to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends
would ever believe him.

He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a pessimist by
nature, and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.

As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. They fired, and a
duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog,
however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve
the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. This continued all day
long; each time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of the
water to retrieve it.

The pessimist watched carefully, saw everything, but did not say a
single word.

On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything
unusual about my new dog?"

"I sure did," responded the pessimist. "He can't swim."

I came close to actually doing 
this once withone of my first ptrs.

& now your at the end of the letter, I hope that you enjoyed !

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Note the link goes back to MSA where I get a lot of my scripts at now.


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thanks, David 1

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