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The News Letter, 030223-1

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By the way, on some of the pictures, if you hover your pointer over the picture, ya might find a comment from me on it,
now that I've learned how to do that.



Now its time for the show to start & I think we'll start now!!!!





A family is driving in their car on holiday. A frog is crossing the road
and the husband somehow manages to stop the car without hitting it.  He
gets out and carries the frog to the side of the road.

The frog is very grateful and thanks the man, telling him that he will
grant him a wish. So the man says, "Please make my dog win his next
race.

The frog looks at the dog, which jumped out of the car, and notices that
the dog has only three legs.  He tells the man that it is almost
impossible to fulfill his wish and asks that the man make another wish.
The man says, "Well, then please help my wife will win the next beauty
contest she enters."

The frog asks the wife to get out of the car. The wife comes out of the
car and walks over to the frog. The frog turns to the man and says,
"Could I have another look at that dog?"


NOW that looks cold



How to Make a Potato

How Airbus bakes a potato:
  * Preheat new, high-quality oven to 350 F
  * Insert a 1.0 lb Idaho potato
  * Go do something productive for 45 minutes
  * Check for doneness, then remove perfectly baked pototo from oven and
serve.


How Boeing bakes a potato:
  * Conduct market test with suppliers in Mexico, Brazil, and China to
supply 0.75 lb potatoes, choose lowest cost supplier
  * Change to incumbent supplier of Idaho potatoes, insist they meet
Chinese pricing with 3% annual price reductions
  * Upgrade to 1.0 lb potato, insist supplier erred by pricing for 0.75
lbs as instructed when he knows Airbus uses 1.0 lb potatoes
  * Instruct potato supplier to preheat the oven to 350 F
  * Demand that the supplier show you how he turned the dial to reach
350 F, and have him come up with documentation from the oven
manufacturer proving it
  * Review documentation, then have supplier check the temperature using
a sophisticated temperature probe
  * Direct supplier to insert potato and set timer for 45 minutes
  * Have supplier open oven to prove potato has been installed
correctly, and request a free study proving that 45 minutes is the ideal
time to bake a potato in the over
  * Request a Six Sigma Study showing variable cook times for various
potato sizes and orientations
  * Check potato for doneness after 10 minutes
  * Check potato for doneness after 11 minutes
  * Check potato for doneness after 12 minutes
  * Become impatient with supplier (why is this simple potato taking so
long to bake?).  Demand status reports every five minutes.
  * Conduct Value Engineering session and new market test
  * Change to 0.9 lb potato because customers will only notice if potato
weight is reduced to 0.85 lb
  * Check potato for doneness after 15 minutes.
  * After 35 minutes, conclude that potato is nearing completion.  Pass
through Gate review reporting all Green status.
  * Congratulate supplier, then update your boss on all the great work
you' ve done, despite having to work with such an uncooperative
supplier.
  * Remove potato from oven after 40 minutes of baking, as a cost save
without loss of function or quality versus the original 45 minute baking
time.
  * Serve potato
  * Wonder aloud what on earth those European folks are doing over there
to make such good, low-cost baked potatoes that people seem to like
better than yours.





Little Johnny and his classmates had just finished a tour
of the local fire hall. Before each student could leave,
the fire chief quizzed him.
The fire chief asked little Little Johnny, "What do you do
if your clothes catch on fire?"

Little Johnny replied promptly, "I don't put them on."


& my hand is there too



Dinner on the table

John calls Jill from work and says he will be home
by 5 PM and hopes that dinner will be on the table
when he gets there.

He arrives home and enters the kitchen and sees a
package of pasta, jar of sauce, and can of veget-
ables on the kitchen table.

"Jill, I specifically called you from work to let
you know when I would be home. Where is my dinner?"

"Dinner IS on the table, John. It's just not
prepared."

Taken From:
 
far_out_funnies
 
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/far_out_funnies






Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat
cells live forever.







Jesus Christ

A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers told her
students that she wanted each of them to have
learned one fact about Jesus by the next Sunday.
The following week she asked each child in turn
what he or she had learned.

Susie said, "He was born in a manger."

Bobby said, "He threw the money changers out of
the temple."

Little Johnny said, "He has a red pickup truck
but he doesn't know how to drive it."

Curious, the teacher asked, "And where did you
learn that, Johnny?"

"From my Daddy," said Johnny.

"Yesterday we were driving down the highway, and
this red pickup truck pulled out in front of us
and Daddy yelled at him, 'Jesus Christ! Why don't
you learn how to drive?'"






MOM  WINS !!

My son came home from school one day,
A smirk was on his face.
He'd decided he was smart enough
To put me in my place.

HE SAID: Guess what I learned in Civics Two,
That's taught by Mr. Wright?
It's all about the laws today:
THE CHILDREN'S BILL OF RIGHTS.

IT SAYS: I don't have to clean my room,
Don't have to cut my hair.
No one can tell me what to think,
How to speak, or what to wear.

I have freedom FROM religion,
And regardless what you say,
I don't have to bow my head,
And I sure DON'T HAVE TO PRAY.

I can wear earrings if I want,
And pierce my tongue & nose.
I can read & watch just what I like,
Be tattooed from head to toes.

AND if you ever spank me,
I'll charge you with the crime,
I'll back up all my charges,
With the marks on my behind.

HE SAID: Don't you ever touch me,
This body's for MY use,
Not for your hugs and kisses,
That's just more child abuse.

HE CONTINUED WITH: Don't preach about your morals,
Like your mama did to you.
That's nothing but your mind control,
And it's illegal too!

Mom, I have these children's rights,
So you can't influence me,
Or I'll call Children's Services,
Better known as C.S.D.

MY TURN! Well, of course, my natural instinct
Was to toss him out the door.
But the chance to teach a lesson,
Made me think a little more.

I mulled it over carefully,
I couldn't let this go.
A little smile crept to my face...
He was messing with a pro!

AND AWAY WE GO! Next day I took him shopping,
At the local Good Will store,
I told him, "pick out all you want!
There are shirts & pants galore."

I've called and checked with C.S.D.,
They said they didn't care,
If I bought you K-Mart shoes,
Instead of Nike Airs.

OH! And... I've canceled that appointment
To take your driver's test.
The C.S.D. is unconcerned,
So I'll decide what's best.

I SAID: No time to stop and eat,
Or pick up stuff to munch,
And tomorrow you can start to learn
To make your own sack lunch.

Just save that raging appetite,
And wait 'til dinner time.
We're having liver and onions.
It's a favorite dish of mine.

He ASKED: Can we stop to rent a movie,
So I can watch the VCR?
Sorry, I said, I sold your TV,
For new tires on my car.

I also rented out your room,
You can take the couch instead.
The C.S.D. requires
just a roof above your head. 

Your clothing won't be trendy now,
I'll choose the food we eat,
That allowance that you used to get
Will buy me something neat.

I'm selling off your jet ski,
Dirt-bike & roller blades.
Check out the PARENTS' BILL OF RIGHTS,
It's in effect today!

Hey, Hot Shot, are you crying?
Why are you on your knees?
Are you asking God to help you?
.....GO CALL THE C.S.D

Share this one with some moms (& dads) you know....
or better yet some kids!!!





Long Life
 --------

 When my grandmother was in her  late eighties,
 she decided to move to Israel.  As part of the
 preparations, she went to see her doctor and
 get all her charts.  The doctor asked her how
 she was doing, so she gave him the litany of
 complaints -- this hurts, that's stiff, I'm
 tired and slower, etc., etc., etc.

 He responded with, "Mrs. Siegel, you have to
 expect things to start deteriorating.  After
 all, who wants to live to 100?"

 My grandmother looked him straight in the
 eye and replied, ...."Anyone who's 99."





Three Legged Chicken
 --------------------
 A man was driving along a rural road one day when
 he saw a three legged chicken.  He was amused
 enough to drive along side it for a  while, as he was
 driving he noticed the chicken was running 30 mph.
 Pretty fast chicken, he thought, I wonder just how
 fast it can run. So he sped up and the chicken did
 too!  They were now moving along  the road at 45
 mph!  The man in the car sped up again, to his
 surprise the chicken was still running ahead of him
 at 60 mph!!!

 Suddenly the chicken turned off the road and ran
 down a long driveway leading to a farmhouse.  The
 man followed the chicken to the house and saw a
 man in the yard and dozens of three legged
 chickens.  The man in the car called out to the
 farmer "How did you get all these three legged
 chickens?"

 The farmer replied, "I breed 'em.  Ya see it's me,
 my wife and my son living here and we all like to
 eat the chicken leg.  Since a chicken only has two
 legs, I started breeding this three legged  variety so
 we could all eat our favorite piece."

 "That's amazing!" said the driver "How do they
 taste?"

 "Don't rightly know, can't catch 'em."


I know that feeling.



Joe's wife likes to sing.  She decided to join the church choir.
>From time to time she would practice while she was in the kitchen
preparing dinner.  Whenever she would start in on a song, Joe
would head outside to the porch.

His wife, with hurt feelings, said, "What's the matter, Joe?
Don't you like my singing?"

Joe replied, "Honey, I love your singing, but I just want to make
sure the neighbors know I'm not beating you."


SHUDDUP Owen & Susan
I don't even want to 
hear it, so shuddup



After the christening of his baby brother in church, little
five-year-old Johnny sat in the back seat, unusually quite.
Very softly he started to cry until his father noticed him
sobbing.

"What's wrong, little Johnny?" asked his father.

Between sniffles little Johnny replied, "That priest said he
wanted us brought up in a Christian home, an-an-and I want
to stay with YOU guys!"

I could see this conversation happening at my house.


Now this I have done just Ask 
my wife or kids, They hide 
when it gets really bad, 
Don't you Owen ?



For our flight to the Far East, my wife and I checked in at
the Korean Air counter at Los Angeles International Airport.
As the smiling Korean woman processed our tickets, my wife
asked, "Are they good seats?"

"They are very good seats," the airline worker replied. "You
will be sitting next to a handsome gentleman, and your com-
panion will be seated beside a beautiful lady."





At an outdoor press conference, Al Gore was addressing harsh
criticism of being "lifeless as a statue."

"That is absurd," Gore stoically stated.  "When elected, the
people of America will see just how passionate and alive I
truly am."

Embarrassed for her husband, Tipper, leaned in to whisper,
"Honey, you have a pigeon on your head."





Looking back, it's hard to believe that we have lived as long
as we have.....

My Mom used to cut chicken, chop eggs and spread mayo
on the same cutting board with the same knife and no
bleach, but we didn't seem to get food poisoning.

My Mom used to defrost hamburger on the counter AND I
used to eat it raw sometimes too, but I can't remember
getting E-coli.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors, or
cabinets, and when we rode our bikes we had no helmets.

We played with toy guns, cowboys and Indians, army, cops
and robbers, and used our fingers to simulate guns when
the toy ones or my BB gun was not available.

Some students weren't as smart as others or didn't work
hard so they failed a grade and were held back to repeat the
same grade. That generation produced some of the greatest
risk-takers and problem solvers. We had the freedom,
failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to
deal with it all.

Almost all of us would have rather gone swimming in the
lake instead of a pristine pool (talk about boring), the term
cell phone would have conjured up a phone in a jail cell, and
a pager was the school PA system.

We all took gym, not PE, and risked permanent injury with
a pair of high top Ked's (only worn in gym) instead of having
cross-training athletic shoes with air cushion soles and built
in light reflectors. I can't recall any injuries but they must
have happened because they tell us how much safer we are
now. Flunking gym was not an option... even for stupid kids!
I guess PE must be much harder than gym.

Every year, someone taught the whole school a lesson by
running in the halls with leather soles on linoleum tile and
hitting the wet spot. How much better off would we be today
if we only knew we could have sued the school system.

Speaking of school, we all said prayers and the pledge and
stayed in detention after school and caught all sorts of
negative attention for the next two weeks. We must have
had horribly damaged psyches.

I can't understand it. Schools didn't offer 14 year olds an
abortion or condoms (we wouldn't have known what either
was anyway) but they did give us a couple of aspirin and
cough syrup if we started getting the sniffles. What an
archaic health system we had then. Remember school
nurses? Ours wore a hat and everything.

I thought that I was supposed to accomplish something
before I was allowed to be proud of myself.

I just can't recall how bored we were without computers,
PlayStation, Nintendo, X-box or 270 digital cable stations. I
must be repressing that memory as I try to rationalize
through the denial of the dangers could have befallen us as
we trekked off each day about a mile down the road to
some guy's vacant 20, built forts out of branches and pieces
of plywood, made trails, and fought over who got to be the
Lone Ranger.

What was that property owner thinking, letting us play on
that lot. He should have been locked up for not putting up a
fence around the property, complete with a self-closing gate
and an infrared intruder alarm.

Oh yeah... and where was the Benadryl and sterilization kit
when I got that bee sting? I could have been killed!

We played king of the hill on piles of gravel left on vacant
construction sites and when we got hurt, Mom pulled out
the 48 cent bottle of mercurochrome and then we got our
butt spanked. Now it's a trip to the emergency room,
followed by a 10-day dose of a $49 bottle of antibiotics and
then Mom calls the attorney to sue the contractor for
leaving a horribly vicious pile of gravel where it was such a
threat.

We didn't act up at the neighbor's house either because if
we did, we got our butt spanked (physical abuse) ... and
then we got our butt spanked again when we got home.

Mom invited the door to door salesman inside for coffee,
kids choked down the dust from the gravel driveway while
playing with Tonka trucks(remember why Tonka trucks were
made tough... it wasn't so that they could take the rough
berber in the family room), and Dad drove a car with leaded
gas.

Our music had to be left inside when we went out to play
and I am sure that I nearly exhausted my imagination a
couple of times when we went on two week vacations. I
should probably sue the folks now for the danger they put
us in when we all slept in campgrounds in the family tent.

Summers were spent behind the push lawnmower and I
didn't even know that mowers came with motors until I was
13 and we got one without an automatic blade-stop or an
auto-drive; How sick were my parents?

Of course my parents weren't the only psychos. I recall
Donny Reynolds from next door coming over and doing his
tricks on the front stoop just before he fell off. Little did his
Mom know that she could have owned our house. Instead
she picked him up and swatted him for being such a goof. It
was a neighborhood run amuck.

To top it off, not a single person I knew had ever been told
that they were from a dysfunctional family. How could we
possibly have known that we needed to get into group
therapy and anger management classes? We were
obviously so duped by so many societal ills, that we didn't
even notice that the entire country wasn't taking Prozac!

How did we survive?





Hi all,

Just ran out of text stuff, so the rest is pictures.
Hope you enjoy ! !








I Agree



HEY Paul, You want a 
Tooth Brush like this ? ?






& now your at the end of the letter, I hope that you enjoyed !

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Note the link goes back to MSA where I get a lot of my scripts at now.


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thanks, David 1







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