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The News Letter, 030213

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By the way, on some of the pictures, if you hover your pointer over the picture, ya might find a comment from me on it,
now that I've learned how to do that.



Now its time for the show to start & I think we'll start now!!!!





One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well.
The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer
tried to figure out what to do. Finally he decided the
animal was old and the well needed to be covered
up anyway, it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the
donkey.

He invited all his neighbors to come over and
help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to
shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey
realized what was happening and cried horribly.
Then, to everyone's amazement, he quieted down. A few
shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down
the well and was astonished at what he saw. With every
shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing
something amazing. He would shake it off and take a
step up. As the farmer's neighbors continued to
shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it
off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was
amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the
well and trotted off!

Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of
dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake
it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is
a stepping stone. We can get out of the deepest wells
just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off
and take a step up!

Remember the five simple rules to be happy:
1. Free your heart from hatred.
2. Free your mind from worries.
3. Live simply.
4. Give more.
5. Expect less.






Imagine this happening to you.

           *

           One Sunday morning during service, a 2,000 member

           congregation was surprised to see two men enter, both

           covered from head to toe in black and carrying

           submachine guns. One of the men proclaimed,"Anyone

           willing to take a bullet for Christ remain where you

           are."

         *

           Immediately, the choir fled,the deacons fled, and most

         of the congregation fled. Out of the 2,000 there only

           remained around 20.

           *

           The man who had spoken took off his hood, looked at

           the preacher and said "Okay Pastor, I got rid of all

           the hypocrites. Now you may begin your service. Have a

           nice day!" And the two men turned and walked out.

           *

           Too deep not to pass on...

           *

           Funny how simple it is for people to trash God ... and

           then wonder why the world is in the condition it is today..

           *

           Funny how we believe what the newspapers say, but

           question what the Bible says.

           *

           Funny how everyone wants to go to heaven provided they

           do not have to believe, think, say, or do anything the

           Bible says.

           *

           Funny or is it scary?

           *

           Funny how someone can say "I believe in God" but still

           follow Satan (who,by the way, also "believes"in God).






How To Wash The Cat!



1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.


2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water.


3. Obtain the cat and carry him to the bathroom.


4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids

(you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape).

CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his

paws will be reaching out for anything he can find.


5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power wash and rinse"

 which I have found to be quite effective.


6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no

 people between the toilet and the outside door.


7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.


8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he

 will dry himself.



Sincerely, The DOG


 




Now aint just so true



folks, I think I've ran this one before but well just another reminder.

Joe Smith started the day early having set his alarm clock
(MADE IN JAPAN) for 6 A.M. While his coffeepot (MADE IN CHINA) was perking, he shaved with his electric razor (MADE IN
HONG KONG). He put on a dress shirt (MADE IN SRI LANKA),
designer jeans (MADE IN SINGAPORE) and tennis shoes
(MADE IN KOREA).
 
After cooking his breakfast in his new electric skillet (MADE
IN INDIA) he sat down with his calculator (MADE IN MEXICO)
to see how much he could spend today. After setting his
watch (MADE IN TAIWAN) to the radio (MADE IN SWEDEN)
he got in his car (MADE IN GERMANY) and continued his
search for a good paying AMERICAN JOB.
 
At the end of yet another discouraging and fruitless day,
Joe decided to relax for a while. He put on his sandals
(MADE IN BRAZIL) poured himself a glass of wine
(MADE IN CHILE) and turned on his TV (MADE IN INDONESIA),
and then wondered why he can't find a good paying job in.....AMERICA.....






One time when I was home visiting my folks, my mom asked me to set the table for dinner. I opened the refrigerator and taped to the inside of the door was a risqué picture of a lovely, slender, perfectly built, but scantily-clad young woman.

"Mom, what's this?" I asked.

"Oh, I put that up there to remind me not to over-eat," she answered.

"Is it working?" I asked.

"Yes and no," she explained. "I've lost 15 pounds, but your dad has gained 20!"







32 Things you may not be aware of and really didn't care to know:

1. A rat can last longer without water than a camel.

2. Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two
weeks or it will digest itself.

3. The dot over the letter "i" is called a tittle.

4. A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce
up and down continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top.

5. A female ferret will die if it goes into heat and cannot find
a mate.

6. A duck's quack doesn't echo. No one knows why.

7. A 2 X 4 is really 1-1/2 by 3-1/2.

8. During the chariot scene in "Ben Hur", a small red car can be
seen in the distance.

9. On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents daily!

10. Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't
wear pants.

11. Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World
War II were made of wood.

12. The number of possible ways of playing the first four moves per
side in a game of chess is 318,979,564,000.

13. There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with orange,
purple and silver.

14. The name Wendy was made up for the book "Peter Pan". There was
never a recorded Wendy before. [Actually I wish this were still the
case...whoops...did I say that out loud?]

15. The very first bomb dropped by the Allies on Berlin in World
War II killed the only elephant in the Berlin Zoo.

16. If one places a tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion, it will
instantly go mad and sting itself to death. Who was the sadist who
discovered this??

17. Bruce Lee was so fast that they actually had to s-l-o-w film
down so you could see his moves. That's the opposite of the norm.

18. The first CD pressed in the US was Bruce Springsteen's "Born
in the USA".

19. The original name for butterfly was flutterby.

20. The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law
which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider
than your thumb.

21. The first product Motorola started to develop was a record
player for automobiles. At that time, the most known player on the
market was Victrola, so they called themselves Motorola.

22. Roses may be red, but violets are indeed violet.

23. By raising your legs slowly and laying on your back, you cannot
sink into quicksand. GOOD FACT TO REMEMBER??

24. Celery has negative calories. It takes more calories to eat a
piece of celery than the celery has in it to begin with.

25. Charlie Chaplin once won third prize in a Charlie Chaplin look-
alike contest.

26. Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying.

27. Sherlock Holmes NEVER said "Elementary, my dear Watson".

28. An old law in Bellingham, Washington, made it illegal for a
woman to take more than 3 steps backwards while dancing.

29. The glue on Israeli postage is certified kosher.

30. The Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the
book most often stolen from Public Libraries.

31. Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into
space because passing wind in a spacesuit damages them. Not to
mention the other drawback to farting in such a confined space....

32. Bats always turn left when exiting a cave!! .






Bring this one with you next time your Doc makes you wait
three hours to get in to see him :

Number of physicians in the U.S.
            700,000

Accidental deaths caused by physicians per year
            120,000
Accidental deaths per physician
             0.171

Number of gun owners in the U.S.
         80,000,000

Number of accidental gun deaths per year (all age
groups)
                  1,500

Accidental deaths per gun owner
             0.0000188

Therefore, doctors are approximately 9,000 times
more dangerous than gun owners.

© 1999, Benton County NewsTribune


& let me know when ya find 
them cause I need some !



Diet Questions Answered:
 
Q:  I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life.
Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's
it...don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out
eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live
longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your
car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
 
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and
vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a
cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables.
So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism
of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain?
Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass
(green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you
100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable
slop.
  
Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?  
A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and
vegetables. As we all know, scientists divide everything
in the world into three categories: animal, mineral, and
vegetable. We all know that beer and wine are not animal,
and they are not on the periodic table of elements, so
that only leaves one thing, right? My advice: Have a
burger and a beer and enjoy your liquid vegetables.  
 
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?  
A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your
ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio
is two to one, etc.  
 
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in
a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is:
No Pain - Good.
  
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?  
A: You're not listening. Foods are fried these days in
vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How
could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
 
Q: What's the secret to healthy eating?  
A: Thicker gravy.
 
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little
soft around the middle?  
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets
bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a
bigger stomach.  
 
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? Cocoa beans...another vegetable. It's
the best feel good food around!  I hope this has cleared up
any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
 
Have a cookie...flour is a grain!
 



Sooo Please JUST DON'T TALK TO ME


A man walks into a Chinese restaurant but is told by the
Maitre'd that there will be at least a twenty minute wait.

"Would you like to wait in the bar, Sir?", he says.

The man goes into the bar and the bartender says, "What'll
it be?"

The man replies, "Give me a Stoli with a twist."

The bartender pauses for a few seconds, then smiles and
says, "Once upon time, there were FOUR little peegs . . . "



I really don't have a clue as 
that has never been a 
problem for me !



UPSTATE JOKES

TO THOSE WHO ARE FROM UPSTATE NEW YORK, NO EXPLANATION IS NECESSARY FOR THIS EMAIL. TO THOSE WHO ARE NOT FROM UPSTATE NEW YORK, NO EXPLANATION IS POSSIBLE

You know you are from upstate NY when:
Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor on the highway.
"Vacation" means going to Lake George for the weekend.
You measure distance in hours.
You know several people who have hit deer more than once.
You often switch from "Heat" to "A/C" in the same day.
You use a down comforter in the summer.
Your parents drive at 65 mph through 13 feet of snow during a raging blizzard, without flinching.
You see people wearing hunting clothes at social events.
You install security lights on your house and garage, and leave both unlocked.
You think of the major food groups as venison, fish, and berries.
You carry jumper cables in your car and your girlfriend knows how to use them.
There are seven empty cars running in the parking lot at the Stewart's at any given time.
You design your kid's harvest celebration costume to fit over a snowsuit.
Driving in winter is better because the potholes are filled with snow.
You think sexy lingerie is tube socks and flannel pajamas. (YOU MEAN IT'S NOT ?????)
You know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter, construction.
It takes you 3 hours to go to the store for one item even when you're in a rush, because you have to stop and talk to everyone in town.
You actually understand these jokes and forward then to all your friends from Upstate NY.





David received a parrot for his birthday.  This parrot
was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse
vocabulary.  Every other word was an expletive.  Those
that weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude.

David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was
constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, and
anything else that came to mind. Nothing worked.  He
yelled at the bird and the bird got worse.  He shook the
bird and the bird got madder and ruder.

Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the
parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the
bird squawking, kicking and screaming and then,
suddenly, all was quiet.

David, frightened that he might have actually hurt the
bird, quickly opened the freezer door.  The parrot
calmly stepped out onto David's extended arm and said,
"I'm sorry that I offended you with my language and
actions.  I ask for your forgiveness."

David was astounded at the bird's change in attitude and
was about to ask what changed him when the parrot
continued,

"May I ask what the chicken did?"


for you Susan since you 
been so darn huggy latly 
for some reason.



S T I N G E R    A I R        [||||]

"Two New York congressmen Sunday outlined proposed legislation for the
federal government to spend as much as $15 billion to install missile
defense systems on all commercial airliners."    (LAT/2/10)

Flight Attendant:  "Will those sitting near the rocket launchers please
read the instructions on their proper operation?"





M O O N T A L K       [||||]

"The special two hour 20-20 in which [Michael] Jackson was
interviewed...  was seen by 27 million viewers."    (LAT/2/10)

Most of whom tuned in to see their first non Roman collared pedophile.

"Michael said that he's had no plastic surgery other than two nose
operations to 'let him hit higher notes'."

Maybe, but are nostrils supposed to catch rain water?


gett'm rover



A man decides to join the circus. He shows up to demonstrate
his skills to the impresario.

"I have the most unusual act," he announces. "I'm sure it will
amaze you."

He proceeds to climb a tall tower, and jumps off. He flaps his
arms wildly, and finally his fall slows. He soars forward, then
swoops upward, turns and swoops back again. Finally he stops in
mid air and gently lowers himself to the ground.

The impresario stares blankly at him for a long time. Finally
he says, "Is that all you've got? Bird imitations?"





Two Polacks are driving down the road and get pulled over by a
cop.  The cop tells the driver that he was pulled over because
he didn't signal at the turn. The Polack argues with the cop
and tells him he did.  The cop told him his light must not be
working and told him to get it fixed.

After the cop leaves, the driver tells the passenger to get out
and tell him if the blinker is broken.  The Polack passenger
gets out and tells the guy when he is behind the car to turn on
the blinker.  The driver turns on the blinker and the Polack in
the back of the car yells out, "Yes, no, yes, no, yes...."


I can understand that answer 
better then most ! ! !















& now your at the end of the letter, I hope that you enjoyed !

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Note the link goes back to MSA where I get a lot of my scripts at now.


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thanks, David 1







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