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The News Letter, 030207

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By the way, on some of the pictures, if you hover your pointer over the picture, ya might find a comment from me on it,
now that I've learned how to do that.



Now its time for the show to start & I think we'll start now!!!!





An Eagles fan, a Dallas Cowboy's fan and a NY Giant fan were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze.
All of a sudden Saudi police rushed in and arrested them.
The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offense in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they were sentenced to death!

However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to successfully appeal their sentence down to life imprisonment.

By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheik decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip.

As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheik suddenly said, "It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."

The Cowboy fan was first in line (he had drunk the least), so he thought about this for a while and then said, "Please tie a pillow to my back."
This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through.
The Cowboy fan had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain when the punishment was done.

The Giant fan was next up (he almost finished an entire fifth by himself), and after watching the scene, said "All Right! Please fix two pillows on my back."
But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again, sending the Giant fan out crying like a little girl. The Eagles fan was the last one up (he had finished off the crate), but before he could say anything, the Sheik turned to him and said, "You support the greatest team in the world, your supporters are some of the best and most loyal football fans in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!"

"Thanks, your most Royal Highness," the Eagles fan replies.
"In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes."

"Not only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave," the Sheik says with an admiring look on his face.
"If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it.
And your second wish? What is it to be?" the Sheik asks.

"Tie the Giant's fan to my back."


Well, Just why the heck do you 
think I turned it down ? 
YOUR MEAN SUSAN ! !



In the Disney film Beauty and the Beast (1991), the road signs that
Belle's father encounters in the forest show the names of two California
cities: one points to Anaheim, while the other points down a dark,
sinister-looking path to Valencia.  In truth, Anaheim is the site of
Disneyland, while the rival Six Flags Magic Mountain amusement theme
park is in the city of Valencia.






Mr. Marlow was strolling through the country when he
saw a stable with the most beautiful horse he ever
laid eyes on.
 
It was seventeen hands high and white, with rippling
muscles and a fine, flowing mane.
 
Mr. Marlow struck a deal to buy it from the owner
who did, however, pass on one key piece of information.
 
"We are a religious family, Mr.Marlow, and we've instilled
those values in our horse. To get him to gallop you must
say 'Thanks God' to get him to stop you must say
'Our Father Who Art in Heaven,"
 
Settling into the saddle, Marlow said " Thanks God,"
and the animal took off.
 
They rode for miles; suddenly they were coming up
to a cliff.
 
Unfortunately, Marlow couldn't remember the phrase
to make the animal stop and tried every Biblical
passage he could think of until, just a few feet
from the edge of the cliff, he shouted, " Our
Father Who Art in Heaven!
 
The animal stopped instantly. Shaking and perspiring,
Marlow reached into his pocket and pulled out a
handkerchief. "Thanks God," he said as he mopped his brow...






This fellow comes into a pharmacy and asks for a vial of Cyanide.

The pharmacist, trying to keep a professional posture, asked what he wanted it for.

He answered, "I want to kill my wife."

"I'm sorry Sir," the pharmacist replied, "but you will have to understand under such circumstances I can't sell you any Cyanide."

The guy reaches into his wallet and produces a photo of his wife.

The pharmacist blushes and replies, "I am so sorry Sir, I didn't realize you had a prescription."





A video dealer in England advertised a large discount
on his systems to anyone who was brave (or dumb) enough
to snatch a coin from an aquarium filled with hungry
piranha. The local animal welfare people got into the
act and demanded the dealer be sure the customer's hands
were cleaned so as to prevent food poisoning in any
piranha that might bite a dirty hand.





A man and his wife were arguing about family members.
"It's just not right", the wife said. "You don't like
anybody in my family!"
"That's not true," replied the husband. "I like your
mother-in-law much better than my mother-in-law."





Two elderly gentlemen are playing cards on Saturday evening as
they have done for the past 35 years. Max, the older, had been
having problems remembering what cards were what, and usually
needed help from his wife.

At the end of the card game Ed said to Max, "You did very good
tonight.  You didn't need any help at all. Why is that?"

Max replied, "Why ever since my wife sent me to that memory
school, I haven't had any problems at all."

"Memory school? What memory school?"

Max thought for a moment, "Oh, what's that flower that's red with
thorns? A really pretty flower...?"

"A rose?"

"Yeah...that's it!" Max turned to his wife and mumbled, "Hey,
Rose!  What's the name of that memory school you sent me to?





It was graduation day and Mom was trying to take
a picture of their son in a cap and gown, posed
with his father.

"I want a good picture, so try to make this look
natural," she said. "Junior, put your arm around
your dad's shoulder."

The father answered, "If you want it to look
natural, why not have him put his hand in my pocket?"


Well I for 1 sure did


I took my 4 year old son, Josh, out to McDonald's
for dinner one evening for a 'guy night'. As we
were eating our hamburgers, Josh asked, "Daddy,
what are these little things on the hamburger buns?"
 
I responded that they were tiny seeds and were ok
to eat.
 
He was quiet for a couple of minutes and I could
tell he was in deep thought. Finally, Josh looked
up and said, "Dad, if we go home and plant these
seeds in our back yard, we will have enough
hamburgers to last forever."





Recently, I was working out at a health club and
noticed a woman riding a stationary bike, reading
a book, listening to music on her headphones, and
occasionally stealing glances at the soap opera
on the TV. Then I glanced at the title of her book:
"Women With Attention Deficit Disorder".





Two Irishmen rob a bank and all they get away with are two sacks, so
they keep one each. After a while they meet again and one asks the
other, "What did you find in your sack?"
 
"Half a million"
 
"Aw... that's a lot! What did you do with the cash?"
 
"I bought a house. How about your sack?"
 
"Bah... it was full o' bills"
 
"And what did you do with them?"
 
"Eh well . . . little by little, I'm paying them off."





Mommy Will Eat Your Fingers


As I was trying to pack for vacation, my 3-year-old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point, she said, "Mom, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers. Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her fingers in my mouth and said, "Mommy's gonna eat your fingers!" pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again. When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face. I said, "What's wrong honey?"





She replied, "What happened to my booger?"








Q: Did you hear about the boatload of red paint that
crashed into a boat carrying blue paint?

A: 13 passengers were marooned.





One day during cooking class, the teacher, Mrs.
Jones, was extolling her secrets for preparing
perfect sauces.  When she ordered us to the
stoves to prepare our assignments, she said,
"Don't forget to use wooden spoons."

As I stirred my sauce, I contemplated the physics
behind the mystery of the wooden spoon and decided
it must have something to do with heat conduction.
I approached Mrs. Jones to test my theory. "Why
wooden spoons?" I asked.

"Because," she replied, "if I have to sit here
listening to all your metal spoons banging against
metal pots, I'd go nuts."

NOW that's what I call thinking ahead,
GOOD job,

David 1






Donna wasn't home, and it was getting awfully late.
Not knowing any of her friend's phone numbers, her
Mother fired-up Donna's computer & saw a list of
e-mail addresses.
She sent a note to each name asking if they knew
where her daughter was. Within twenty minutes, she
got back 16 replies all saying that she wasn't to
worry, that Donna was spending the night at their
house and had neglected to telephone.

Well I guess that took care of that trust issue.

David 1



Now Why does this remind me of Paul ? ?



A little boy opened the big & old family Bible with
fascination and looked at the old pages as he turned
them. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible.

He picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an
old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between
the pages. "Mama, look what I found," the boy called
out.

"What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked.

With astonishment in his voice, he answered: "I think
it's Adam's suit!"





In a small town, farmers of the community had gotten
together to discuss some important issues. About
midway through the meeting, a wife of one of the
farmers stood up and spoke her piece.
 
When she was done, one of the old farmers stood up
and said, "What does she know about anything? I would
like to ask her if she knows how many toes a pig has?"
 
Quick as a flash, the woman replied, "Take off your
boots sir, and count them yourself!"


What was that I just heard someone mumble ?



Three Things You Need To Survive

 A Scout Master was teaching his boy scouts about survival
in the desert.

 "What are the three most important things you should bring
with you in case you get lost in the desert?" he asked.
Several hands went up, and many important things were
suggested such as food, matches, etc.

 Then one little boy in the back eagerly raised his hand.
"Yes Timmy, what are the three most important things you
would bring with you?" asked the Scout Master.

 Timmy replied: "A compass, a canteen of water,
and a deck of cards."

 "Why's that Timmy?"

 "Well," answered Timmy, "the compass is to find the right
direction, the water is to prevent dehydration..."

 "And what about the deck of cards?" asked the Scout Master
impatiently.

 "Well, Sir, as soon as you start playing Solitaire, someone
is bound to come up behind you and say, "Put that red nine
on top of that black ten!"





Brain Teasers

1. A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose
 between three rooms.
 The first is full of raging fires, the second is full
 of assassins with loaded guns, and the third is full
 of lions that haven't eaten in 3 years.

 Which room is safest for him?

Click here for answer.

2. A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under
 water for over 5 minutes. Finally, she hangs him. But
 5 minutes later they both go out together and enjoy a
 wonderful dinner together. How can this be?

3. Can you name three consecutive days without using
 the words Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday,
 Saturday, or Sunday?

4. This is an unusual paragraph. I'm curious how quickly
 you can find out what is so unusual about it.  It looks
 so plain you would think nothing was wrong with it.  In
 fact, nothing is wrong with it!  It is unusual though.
 Study it, and think about it, but you still may not
 find anything odd.  But if you work at it a bit, you
 might find out. Try to do so without any coaching!

Click here for answer.



.....


....


...


..


.


1) The safest room is the one with lions that haven't
 eaten in 3 years. - as they'd all have starved to death.

2) She was a photographer. 'shooting' him, by taking the
 pictures. 'holding him under water' or developing the
 picture of him, and 'hanging him' or hanging the freshly
 developed picture up to dry.

3) Yesterday, Today and Tomorrow

4) The paragraph does not contain any "E"'s

Back to the questions





Kitchen Plaque Sayings
----------------------

A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

A Clean House Is A Sign Of A Misspent Life.

A Husband Is Someone Who Takes Out The Trash And
 Gives The Impression He Just Cleaned The Whole House.

A Messy Kitchen Is A Happy Kitchen... And This
 Kitchen Is Delirious.

Help keep the kitchen clean - Eat OUT.

Housework Done Properly Can Kill You.

If we are what we eat, then I'm easy, fast and cheap.

My next house will have no kitchen --- just
 vending machines.

No Husband Has Ever Been Shot While Doing The Dishes.

Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.


& now your at the end of the letter, I hope that you enjoyed !

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Note the link goes back to MSA where I get a lot of my scripts at now.


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thanks, David 1







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