Welcome to Sue's Corner Web
The News Letter, 030126
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By the way, on some of the pictures, if you hover your pointer over the picture, ya might find a comment from me on it,
now that I've learned how to do that.
Now its time for the show to start & I think we'll start now!!!!
Two men went bear hunting. While one stayed
in the cabin, the other went out
a bear. He soon found a huge bear, shot at
it but only wounded
it. The enraged bear
charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and
running for the cabin as fast as he
could. He ran pretty fast but the bear
just a little faster and gained on him with
every step. Just as he
reached the open cabin
door, he tripped and fell flat. Too close
stop, the bear tripped over him and
went rolling into the cabin.
man jumped up, closed the cabin door and
yelled to his friend inside, "You
one while I go and get another!"
"It took me 17 years to get 3000 hits in
baseball. I did it
in one afternoon on the golf course." -- Hank
"Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so?
a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and
at the bar." --Drew Carey
Dr. Seuss Explains Why Computers Sometimes Crash(Read this aloud, if you
If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, and the bus is interrupted
at a very last resort, and the access of the memory makes your floppy disk
abort, then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.
If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash, and the double-clicking
icon puts your window in the trash, and your data is corrupted cause the index
doesn't hash, then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash!!
If the label on the cable on the table at your house says the network is
connected to the button on your mouse, but your packets want to tunnel to
another protocol, that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall, and
your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss, so your icons in the
window are as wavy as a souse; then you may as well reboot and go out with a
bang, 'cuz sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!
When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy in the disk, and the macro code
instructions cause unnecessary risk, then you'll have to flash the memory and
you'll want to RAM your ROM.
Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your Mom!WELL! That
certainly clears things up for ME
Edward G. Bulwer-Lytton
It was their fifth anniversary, and Nina and Lloyd had
from the movies. Nina was feeling
romantic. "Will you love me when my hair
has turned to
silver?" she crooned.
"Why not?" Lloyd grunted.
"Didn't I love you through
four other shades?"
Be careful, many of these laws are still on the
1-When visiting Louisiana, remember that it is illegal to gargle
public...you can do just about anything else in public, but NO
2-And be careful that you do not get caught shaving while
Massachusetts or you'll be in real trouble.
going to be driving through Utah, be alert because the birds
have the right
of way on the state highways.
4-And walking down the streets of Maine
with your shoes strings untied is
5-Oh, and in Atlanta,
not only is it illegal to tie your giraffe to a
telephone pole but if you get
caught dressing a mannequin without shutting
the window shades, you could be
in big trouble.
6-When in Nebraska, keep in mind not to spit against wind
because not only
is it messy, its also illegal.
7-Eating out in
Connecticut became so much more pleasant once the law
to provide separate nose-blowing and
non-nose-blowing sections, went into
8-And if you decide to order cherry pie while eating in Kansas,
your time asking it to be served with a scoop of ice-cream on
against the law.
9-In California, its against the law to peel
an orange in your hotel
room....I guess its ok to peel it in the hallway
& then go into your room.
10-If you're planning to do any fishing
while visiting Chicago, be sure you
don't do it in your pajamas or you might
spend the rest of your vacation in
11-And if you're going to set
a fire under your mule, don't do it in
Ohio..yep, its against the law. Can
you believe it?
12-Whistling under water will result in more than getting
water in your
nose, it will also get you put in jail if you do it in
13-And while you and your beloved spouse are enjoying the
don't throw dishes if you happen to have a little disagreement
other. If you break more than 3 a day, you could spend the rest of
vacation eating off of metal trays in the county jail.
the only ones with the wacky laws. If you're planning a trip out
country be aware that.... 14-It is illegal to land a flying saucer in
vineyards of France.
15-And last but not least, if you take ill while in
Iceland, never seek
medical help from anyone who's shingle reads:
"Scottulaejnir". You see,
ANYONE, can practice medicine in Iceland as long as
they display this sign.
Loosely translated it means, "Quack Doctor"
It's the first day of school and the teacher thought
she'd get to know the
kids by asking them their name and what their father does for a
The first little girl says: "My name is Mary and my
daddy is a postman."
The next little boy says: "I'm Andy and my Dad is a
Then one little boy says: "My name is Johnny and my
father is a striptease
dancer in a cabaret for gay men."
The teacher gasps and quickly changes the subject,
but later in the school
yard the teacher approaches Johnny privately and asks if it was really
that his Dad
dances nude in a gay bar.
He blushed and said, "I'm sorry but my dad plays
football for the Lions and I
was just too embarrassed to say so."
Most of us have now learned to live with voice mail as a necessary part of
our lives. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if God
install voice mail?
Imagine praying and hearing the following:
Thank you for calling heaven.
For English press 1
For Spanish press 2
For all other languages, press 3
Please select one of the following options:
Press 1 for request
Press 2 for thanksgiving
Press 3 for complaints
Press 4 for all others
I am sorry, all our Angels and Saints are busy helping other
now. However, your prayer is important to us and we will answer
it in the
order it was received. Please stay on the line. If you would like
God, press 1
Jesus, press 2
Holy spirit, press 3
To find a loved one that has been assigned to heaven press 5,
his social security # followed by the pound sign.
(If you receive a negative response, please hang up and dial
For reservations to heaven, please enter JOHN followed by the
For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, life and other
please wait until you arrive in heaven for the specifics.
Our computers show that you have already been prayed for today,
hang up and call again tomorrow.
The office is now closed for the weekend to observe a religious
If you are calling after hours and need emergency assistance,
contact your local pastor.
Thank you and have a heavenly day.
world were blind,
maybe then we'd see
the true side of beauty,
within you and
No one could judge us
by our outer looks,
like the fancy covers
We'd see with our hearts,
and not just our
and what we discover
might be a surprise.
There would be no
to try to impress,
with the way we look,
or the way that we
The only thing that would
is the way we would feel,
not phony or cheap,
but truthful and
Where i worked a few years ago, the boss was on
one of his 'motivation'
drives, and put up some
signs around the factory such
Which had in smaller writing
"This can't be achieved without U"
To counter, one worker
hung a hand drawn sign
that said, "B LL"
This morning my wife was up early; earlier
than me. Sleepily I kissed her
morning'. She said, "I'm taking care of
I nearly jumped for joy when I
said, "Really? You're kidding, right?
never help with breakfast. Then
again, you're never awake this early.
boy! Do I get breakfast in bed?"
"Sure. If you'll make the toast and
the coffee," Cathy replied, "breakfast
will be ready."
"Alright!" I said as I put a couple of
slices of bread in the
are we having for breakfast?"
"Toast and coffee."
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:
Get their parents to
tell them a story with
a moral at the end of it.
The next day the kids
came back and one by one began to tell their stories
Ashley said, "My
father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens.
One time we
were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup
when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke
and made a mess."
"And what's the moral of the story?" asked
"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"
"Very good," said
Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family
are farmers too.
But we raise chickens for the meat market.
We had a dozen
eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and
moral to this story is, "don't count your chickens before they're
"That was a fine story Sarah."
"Michael, do you have a
story to share?"
"Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me this story about
my Aunt Karen.
Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in Desert Storm and her
plane got hit.
She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had
was a bottle of whiskey,a machine gun and a machete.
She drank the
whiskey on the way down so it
wouldn't break and then she landed right in
the middle of 100 enemy troops.
She killed seventy of them with the
machine gun until she ran out of bullets.
Then she killed twenty more
with the machete till the blade broke.
And then she killed the last
ten with her bare hands.
"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher,
"what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible
"Stay the Heck away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking."
The head of a small industrial company
posted "Do it
now!" signs all around his
office and plant in hopes of getting
results from his workers.
Some weeks later, when asked why he
removing the slogans, he said, "It worked
too well. The bookkeeper
$20,000; the chief clerk eloped with the
I've ever had; three salesmen
asked for raises; and the workers in the
factory joined the union and are out on
Mike and Bill, are hanging out in the lone bar
in a one-horse town in
northern Idaho, when a
local rancher walks in carrying a wolf
"Good work!" says the bartender. He pops the
open, pulls out a wad of bills,
and counts them out into the
After the rancher leaves, Mike asks
bartender, "What was that all about?"
The barkeep says, "Haven't
you boys heard? We
got us a real wolf problem in these parts, and
county ain't done a thing about it. Why,
just last week, a pack of the damn
come onta my property and laid waste t'my
chicken coop. Ol' Man
Miller down the road
even lost four of his cattle to the
beasts! They're vicious, and they got no fear
-- and they
gotta be stopped. So I'm offerin'
a bounty -- a hundred dollars to anybody
brings in a wolf pelt."
Mike and Bill look at each other, and
race out of the bar to go hunt wolves.
around the hills for several
hours, they finally spot a lone wolf in
distance. Mike takes aim with his rifle and
shoots the wolf dead.
The two fellas sprint
over to where the carcass lay, and Mike gets
with the pelt.
Suddenly, Bill says, "Hey, Mike, look."
says Mike, "I'm busy."
Bill tugs on Mike's sleeve and says, "Mike,
think you *really* ought to see this."
"Not now!" Mike says again.
"Can't you see
I've got a hundred dollars in my hands?"
starts to waver. "Mike, please,
Mike stops what he's
doing and looks up: The
two men are surrounded by a pack of wolves --
least fifty in all, every one of them
growling, drooling, gnashing their
licking their chops.
Mike takes in the sight and gasps:
... We're gonna be rich!"
Osama bin Laden, not feeling well and concerned
about his mortality, goes to
consult a psychic
about the date of his death. Closing her eyes
silently reaching into the realm of the
future she finds the
"You will die on an American holiday."
"Which one?" Osama
bin Laden asks nervously.
"It doesn't matter," replied the
"Whenever you die, it will be an American holiday!"
Top Ten Signs Your Kid's
School Is Too Crowded
10. Kid comes home happy saying, "I got to ride
inside the bus today!"
9. Principal sends you a warning -- he's not
skipping class enough
8. Teacher needs a U-Haul to bring home the book
7. Losing 60 to 70 kids on class trip is considered
6. School play is "The Ten Commandments"--there are enough kids
all 100,000 Hebrews
5. Class photo taken using government weather
4. The teacher calls out, "Gus Van Rauschenbach" and 17 kids say,
3. Last spring's school bake sale brought in one and a quarter
2. There's a waiting list to get your ass kicked by the school
1. The kids actually outnumber the roaches.
Driving to the office this morning on the Interstate, I looked over to
left and there was a woman in a brand new Mustang doing 65
miles per hour
with her face up next to her rearview mirror putting
I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back
was halfway over in my lane, still working on that damn
I'm a man, but it scared me so bad, I dropped my electric
which knocked the donut out of my other hand. In all the
of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the
wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell
the coffee between my legs, splashed and burned Big Wally and
Twins, ruined the darn phone and
disconnected an important call!
THESE WOMEN DRIVERS!!!!!!!!
We all get heavier as we get older 'cause there's a lot more information in
--George W. 1999, Austin Texas
NIGHT CLASSES FOR
MEN - SIGN-UP NOW
Classes for Men at our Local Learning Center for Adults
Note: Due to
the complexity and difficulty level of their contents, each
accept a maximum of 8 participants each.
TOPIC 1 - How
to Fill Up the Ice Cube Trays. Step by step, with slide
TOPIC 2 - The Toilet Paper Roll: Do They Grow on the Holders? Round
TOPIC 3 - Is it Possible to Urinate Using the
Technique of Lifting the
Seat Up and Avoiding the Floors/Walls and Nearby
TOPIC 4 - Fundamental Differences Between
the Laundry Hamper and the
Floor. Pictures and explanatory graphics.
TOPIC 5 - The After-Dinner Dishes and Silverware: Can They Levitate and
Fly into the Kitchen Sink? Examples on video.
TOPIC 6 - Loss of
Identity: Losing the Remote to Your Significant Other.
Helpline support and
TOPIC 7 - Learning How to Find Things, Starting With
Looking in the
Place Instead of Turning the House Upside Down
While Screaming. Open
TOPIC 8 - Health Watch: Bringing Her
Flowers is NOT Harmful to Your
Health. Graphics and audio tape.
TOPIC 9 - Real Men Ask for Directions When Lost. Real life
TOPIC 10 - Is It Genetically Impossible to Sit Quietly
as She Parallel
Parks? Driving simulation.
TOPIC 11 - Learning to
Live: Base Differences Between Mother and Wife.
On-line class and role
TOPIC 12 - How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion. Relaxation
meditation, and breathing techniques.
TOPIC 13 - How
to Fight Cerebral Atrophy: Remembering Birthdays,
Important Dates, and Calling When You're Going to
shock therapy sessions and full lobotomies offered. *
* Upon completion of
the course, diplomas will be issued * * * * to the
few survivors. * *
& now your at the end of the letter, I hope that you enjoyed !
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Note the link goes back to MSA where I get a lot of my scripts at now.
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thanks, David 1
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