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The News Letter, 030126

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By the way, on some of the pictures, if you hover your pointer over the picture, ya might find a comment from me on it,
now that I've learned how to do that.



Now its time for the show to start & I think we'll start now!!!!


YUP, looks about like where 
I use to work


Two men went bear hunting. While one stayed
in the cabin, the other went out looking for
a bear. He soon found a huge bear, shot at
it but only wounded it. The enraged bear
charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and
started running for the cabin as fast as he
could. He ran pretty fast but the bear was
just a little faster and gained on him with
every step. Just as he reached the open cabin
door, he tripped and fell flat. Too close
behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and
went rolling into the cabin.
 
The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and
yelled to his friend inside, "You skin this
one while I go and get another!"





"It took me 17 years to get 3000 hits in baseball. I did it
in one afternoon on the golf course." -- Hank Aaron



I love this one



"Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's
a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and
they meet at the bar." --Drew Carey



& there are some that would 
say that & mean it.



Dr. Seuss Explains Why Computers Sometimes Crash

(Read this aloud, if you can!)

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, and the bus is interrupted at a very last resort, and the access of the memory makes your floppy disk abort, then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash, and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash, and your data is corrupted cause the index doesn't hash, then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash!!

If the label on the cable on the table at your house says the network is connected to the button on your mouse, but your packets want to tunnel to another protocol, that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall, and your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss, so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse; then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang, 'cuz sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!

When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy in the disk, and the macro code instructions cause unnecessary risk, then you'll have to flash the memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM.

Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your Mom!

WELL! That certainly clears things up for ME
What good is Wealth without your Health
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/HealthyLiving2002/
Get fit with us in 2002 Mind Body & Soul
When a person is down in the world, an ounce of
help is better than a pound of preaching.
 
Edward G. Bulwer-Lytton



Ya know I been thinking about this
I'm not sure If I'd be the cop or 
the one with the shot gun, 
sometimes I can be that daft ! !


It was their fifth anniversary, and Nina and Lloyd had
just returned from the movies. Nina was feeling
romantic. "Will you love me when my hair has turned to
silver?" she crooned.

"Why not?" Lloyd grunted. "Didn't I love you through
four other shades?"






Be careful, many of these laws are still on the books

1-When visiting Louisiana, remember that it is illegal to gargle in
public...you can do just about anything else in public, but NO gargling!

2-And be careful that you do not get caught shaving while driving in
Massachusetts or you'll be in real trouble.

3-If you're going to be driving through Utah, be alert because the birds
have the right of way on the state highways.

4-And walking down the streets of Maine with your shoes strings untied is
also illegal.

5-Oh, and in Atlanta, not only is it illegal to tie your giraffe to a
telephone pole but if you get caught dressing a mannequin without shutting
the window shades, you could be in big trouble.

6-When in Nebraska, keep in mind not to spit against wind because not only
is it messy, its also illegal.

7-Eating out in Connecticut became so much more pleasant once the law
requiring restaurateurs to provide separate nose-blowing and
non-nose-blowing sections, went into effect.

8-And if you decide to order cherry pie while eating in Kansas, don't waste
your time asking it to be served with a scoop of ice-cream on top...it
against the law.

9-In California, its against the law to peel an orange in your hotel
room....I guess its ok to peel it in the hallway & then go into your room.

10-If you're planning to do any fishing while visiting Chicago, be sure you
don't do it in your pajamas or you might spend the rest of your vacation in
jail.

11-And if you're going to set a fire under your mule, don't do it in
Ohio..yep, its against the law. Can you believe it?

12-Whistling under water will result in more than getting water in your
nose, it will also get you put in jail if you do it in Vermont.

13-And while you and your beloved spouse are enjoying the Florida sun,
don't throw dishes if you happen to have a little disagreement with each
other. If you break more than 3 a day, you could spend the rest of your
vacation eating off of metal trays in the county jail.

We're not the only ones with the wacky laws. If you're planning a trip out
of the country be aware that.... 14-It is illegal to land a flying saucer in
the vineyards of France.

15-And last but not least, if you take ill while in Iceland, never seek
medical help from anyone who's shingle reads: "Scottulaejnir". You see,
ANYONE, can practice medicine in Iceland as long as they display this sign.
Loosely translated it means, "Quack Doctor"






It's the first day of school and the teacher thought she'd get to know the
kids by asking them their name and what their father does for a living.

The first little girl says: "My name is Mary and my daddy is a postman."

The next little boy says: "I'm Andy and my Dad is a mechanic."

Then one little boy says: "My name is Johnny and my father is a striptease
dancer in a cabaret for gay men."

The teacher gasps and quickly changes the subject, but later in the school
yard the teacher approaches Johnny privately and asks if it was really true
that his Dad dances nude in a gay bar.

He blushed and said, "I'm sorry but my dad plays football for the Lions and I
was just too embarrassed to say so."

I already did forget about 
Women, Just ask my wife



Most of us have now learned to live with voice mail as a necessary part of
our lives. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if God decided to
install voice mail?
Imagine praying and hearing the following:
Thank you for calling heaven.
For English press 1
For Spanish press 2
For all other languages, press 3
Please select one of the following options:
Press 1 for request
Press 2 for thanksgiving
Press 3 for complaints
Press 4 for all others
I am sorry, all our Angels and Saints are busy helping other sinners
right
now. However, your prayer is important to us and we will answer it in the
order it was received. Please stay on the line. If you would like to speak
to:
God, press 1
Jesus, press 2
Holy spirit, press 3
To find a loved one that has been assigned to heaven press 5, then enter
his social security # followed by the pound sign.
(If you receive a negative response, please hang up and dial area code
666)
For reservations to heaven, please enter JOHN followed by the numbers, 3
16.
For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, life and other planets,
please wait until you arrive in heaven for the specifics.
Our computers show that you have already been prayed for today, please
hang up and call again tomorrow.
The office is now closed for the weekend to observe a religious holiday.
If you are calling after hours and need emergency assistance, please
contact your local pastor.
Thank you and have a heavenly day.


Toooo late !


If the world were blind,
maybe then we'd see
the true side of beauty,
deep within you and me.
                                                                    
No one could judge us
by our outer looks,
like the fancy covers
on expensive books.
    
We'd see with our hearts,
and not just our eyes,
and what we discover
might be a surprise.

There would be no need
to try to impress,
with the way we look,
     or the way that we dress.    
                              
The only thing that would matter
is the way we would feel,
not phony or cheap,
but truthful and real.






Where i worked a few years ago, the boss was on
one of his 'motivation' drives, and put up some
signs around the factory such as:

                      VAL E

Which had in smaller writing underneath
"This can't be achieved without U"

To counter, one worker hung a hand drawn sign
that said, "B LL"





This morning my wife was up early; earlier
than me.  Sleepily I kissed her 'good
morning'.  She said, "I'm taking care of
breakfast."

Excited, I nearly jumped for joy when I
said, "Really?  You're kidding, right?
You never help with breakfast.  Then
again, you're never awake this early.
Oh boy!  Do I get breakfast in bed?"

"Sure.  If you'll make the toast and pour
the coffee," Cathy replied, "breakfast
will be ready."

"Alright!" I said as I put a couple of
slices of bread in the toaster.  "What
are we having for breakfast?"

"Toast and coffee."


Hey Susan is this a great 
Idea or what ? ? ? ?



The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:
Get their parents to tell them a story with
a moral at the end of it.
The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories

Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens.

One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess."
"And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.
"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"
"Very good," said the teacher.

Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too.
But we raise chickens for the meat market.
We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the
moral to this story is, "don't count your chickens before they're hatched."

"That was a fine story Sarah."

"Michael, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my Aunt Karen.
Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in Desert Storm and her plane got hit.
She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle  of whiskey,a machine gun and a machete.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so it
wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops.

She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets.

Then she killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke.

And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"

"Stay the Heck away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking." Now I just don't understand why ?


Office Slogan

The head of a small industrial company
posted "Do it now!" signs all around his
office and plant in hopes of getting better
results from his workers.

Some weeks later, when asked why he was
removing the slogans, he said, "It worked
too well.  The bookkeeper skipped with
$20,000; the chief clerk eloped with the
best secretary I've ever had; three salesmen
asked for raises; and the workers in the
factory joined the union and are out on
strike."





Mike and Bill, are hanging out in the lone bar
in a one-horse town in northern Idaho, when a
local rancher walks in carrying a wolf pelt.

"Good work!" says the bartender.  He pops the
cash register open, pulls out a wad of bills,
and counts them out into the rancher's
outstretched hand.

After the rancher leaves, Mike asks the
bartender, "What was that all about?"

The barkeep says, "Haven't you boys heard?  We
got us a real wolf problem in these parts, and
the county ain't done a thing about it.  Why,
just last week, a pack of the damn varmints
come onta my property and laid waste t'my
chicken coop.  Ol' Man Miller down the road
even lost four of his cattle to the bloodthirsty
beasts!  They're vicious, and they got no fear
 -- and they gotta be stopped.  So I'm offerin'
a bounty -- a hundred dollars to anybody who
brings in a wolf pelt."

Mike and Bill look at each other, and immediately
race out of the bar to go hunt wolves.

After wandering around the hills for several
hours, they finally spot a lone wolf in the
distance.  Mike takes aim with his rifle and
shoots the wolf dead.  The two fellas sprint
over to where the carcass lay, and Mike gets
busy with the pelt.

Suddenly, Bill says, "Hey, Mike, look."

"Not now," says Mike, "I'm busy."

Bill tugs on Mike's sleeve and says, "Mike, I
think you *really* ought to see this."

"Not now!" Mike says again.  "Can't you see
I've got a hundred dollars in my hands?"

Bill's voice starts to waver.  "Mike, please,
just look!"

Mike stops what he's doing and looks up:  The
two men are surrounded by a pack of wolves --
at least fifty in all, every one of them
growling, drooling, gnashing their teeth, and
licking their chops.

Mike takes in the sight and gasps:  "Oh, my
... We're gonna be rich!"


Yeah, I could see that as 
a new card



Osama bin Laden, not feeling well and concerned
about his mortality, goes to consult a psychic
about the date of his death. Closing her eyes
and silently reaching into the realm of the
future she finds the answer.

"You will die on an American holiday."

"Which one?" Osama bin Laden asks nervously.

"It doesn't matter," replied the psychic.
"Whenever you die, it will be an American holiday!"





Top Ten Signs Your Kid's School Is Too Crowded

10. Kid comes home happy saying, "I got to ride inside the bus today!"
9. Principal sends you a warning -- he's not skipping class enough
8. Teacher needs a U-Haul to bring home the book reports
7. Losing 60 to 70 kids on class trip is considered "successful"
6. School play is "The Ten Commandments"--there are enough kids to play
all 100,000 Hebrews
5. Class photo taken using government weather satellite
4. The teacher calls out, "Gus Van Rauschenbach" and 17 kids say, "Here"
3. Last spring's school bake sale brought in one and a quarter million
2. There's a waiting list to get your ass kicked by the school bully
1. The kids actually outnumber the roaches.



YUP, that's me


Driving to the office this morning on the Interstate, I looked over to
my left and there was a woman in a brand new Mustang doing 65
miles per hour with her face up next to her  rearview mirror putting
on her eyeliner!

I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she
was halfway over in my lane, still working on  that damn makeup!!!

I'm a man, but it scared me so bad, I dropped my electric shaver,
which knocked the donut out of my other hand. In all the confusion
of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering
wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into
the coffee between my legs, splashed and burned Big Wally and
the Twins, ruined the darn phone and
disconnected an important call!

DARN  THESE WOMEN DRIVERS!!!!!!!!





We all get heavier as we get older 'cause there's a lot more information in
our heads."
--George W. 1999, Austin Texas





NIGHT CLASSES FOR MEN - SIGN-UP NOW
Classes for Men at our Local Learning Center for Adults Note: Due to
the complexity and difficulty level of their contents, each course will
accept a maximum of 8 participants each.

TOPIC 1 - How to Fill Up the Ice Cube Trays. Step by step, with slide
presentations.

TOPIC 2 - The Toilet Paper Roll: Do They Grow on the Holders? Round
table
discussion.

TOPIC 3 - Is it Possible to Urinate Using the Technique of Lifting the
Seat Up and Avoiding the Floors/Walls and Nearby Bathtub? Group
practice.

TOPIC 4 - Fundamental Differences Between the Laundry Hamper and the
Floor. Pictures and explanatory graphics.

TOPIC 5 - The After-Dinner Dishes and Silverware: Can They Levitate and

Fly into the Kitchen Sink? Examples on video.

TOPIC 6 - Loss of Identity: Losing the Remote to Your Significant Other.
Helpline support and support groups.

TOPIC 7 - Learning How to Find Things, Starting With Looking in the
Right
Place Instead of Turning the House Upside Down While Screaming. Open
forum.

TOPIC 8 - Health Watch: Bringing Her Flowers is NOT Harmful to Your
Health. Graphics and audio tape.

TOPIC 9 - Real Men Ask for Directions When Lost. Real life
testimonials.

TOPIC 10 - Is It Genetically Impossible to Sit Quietly as She Parallel
Parks? Driving simulation.

TOPIC 11 - Learning to Live: Base Differences Between Mother and Wife.
On-line class and role playing.

TOPIC 12 - How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion. Relaxation
exercises,
meditation, and breathing techniques.

TOPIC 13 - How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy: Remembering Birthdays,
Anniversaries, Other Important Dates, and Calling When You're Going to
Be
Late. Cerebral shock therapy sessions and full lobotomies offered. *
* Upon completion of the course, diplomas will be issued * * * * to the
few survivors. * *






& now your at the end of the letter, I hope that you enjoyed !

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Note the link goes back to MSA where I get a lot of my scripts at now.


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thanks, David 1







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