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The News Letter, 021226

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By the way, on some of the pictures, if you hover your pointer over the picture, ya might find a comment from me on it,
now that I've learned how to do that.

Now its time for the show to start & I think we'll start now!!!!

Most of us have now learned to live with voice mail as a necessary part of
our lives. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if God decided to
install voice mail?  Imagine praying and hearing the following:

Thank you for calling heaven.

For English press 1
For Spanish press 2
For all other languages,  press 3

Please select one of the following options:

Press 1 for request
Press 2 for thanksgiving
Press 3 for complaints
Press 4 for all others

I am sorry, all our Angels and Saints are busy helping other sinners right
now.  However, your prayer is important to us and we will answer it in the
order it was received.  Please stay on the line.

If you would like to speak to:
God, press 1
Jesus, press 2
Holy spirit, press 3

To find a loved one that has been assigned to heaven press 5, then enter his
social security # followed by the pound sign.   If you receive a negative
response, please hang up and dial area code 666.

For reservations to heaven, please enter JOHN followed by the numbers, 3:16.
For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, life and other planets,
please wait until you arrive in heaven for the specifics.

Our computers show that you have already been prayed for today, please hang
up and call again tomorrow.

The office is now closed for the weekend to observe a religious holiday.

If you are calling after hours and need emergency assistance, please contact
your local pastor.

Thank you and have a heavenly day.

from:  Bob

The most comprehensive humor archive.
100's of Jokes, 1000's of JPG's/GIF's, 
Sound clips, Video Clips and PARODY SONGS


Workers at a Romanian clothes factory are to receive their
Christmas bonus in buttons and zippers instead of money.

The 1,000 employees at the Modexim factory have been
told by managers there's not enough funds to pay out the
annual bonuses. Instead, each worker will get two bags
filled with buttons, zippers and a 2 feet of elastic.

One worker, Ian Pavelescu, told a local newspaper,
"It's nice, but we can't fill Christmas dinner plates with
buttons. I don't even think we could sell them on eBay.

Prostitutes are shocked after a Christmas tree donated to a
Dutch city's red light district was stolen by thieves. The tree,
decorated with red lights and baubles, had only been standing
for one day before it disappeared.

A police spokesman commented, "Maybe the thief was an
angry client."

But prostitutes who work in the district said they were shocked.

"Why steal a Christmas tree? It has no value and to us it made
the district look more charming," one told the paper.

Did Ya Know Or Do Ya Care?

There are currently 78 people named S. Claus living in the U.S.
and one Kriss Kringle.

An announcement from Santa:

Dear Good Little Boy or Girl,

I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will
no longer be able to serve Southern United States on
Christmas Eve.

Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my
contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and
Elves Local 209. I now serve only certain areas of Ohio,
Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin, New England and Michigan.

However, I'm certain that your children will be in good
hands with your local replacement who happens to be my third
cousin, Bubba Claus.

His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my
goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls;
however, there are a few differences between us.

Differences such as:

1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents
from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a
bumper sticker that reads: "These toys insured by Smith and

2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that
children leave a RC cola and pork rinds [or a moon pie] on
the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a
little snuff though, so please have an empty spit can handy.

3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flying'
coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning
him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now
overlooks Bubba's fireplace.

4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and
Blitzen..." when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear,
"On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin and Lamonte. On Rudd,
on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty."

5. "Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!"

6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh
does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with
the words "Back off."
The last I heard it also had other decorations on the sleigh
back as well.

One is Ford or Chevy logo with lights that race through the
letters and the other is a caricature of me (Santa Claus)
going wee wee on the Tooth Fairy.

7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on
34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown
in your negotiated viewing area.

Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey
and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus
and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.

8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make
sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he
bends over to put presents under the tree.

9. And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung about
me like "Rudolph The Red-nosed Reindeer" and Bing Crosby's
"Santa Claus Is Coming to Town." This year songs about Bubba
Claus will be played on all the AM radio stations in the
South. Those song titles will be Mark Chesnutt's "Bubba
Claus Shot the Jukebox"; Cledus T. Judd's "All I Want for
Christmas Is My Woman and a Six Pack," and Hank Williams
Jr.'s "If You Don't Like Bubba Claus, You Can Shove It."

Sincerely Yours,
Santa Claus

Today's tip will keep your drawers and patio doors moving
While WD 40 is a great product, on patio doors it isn't a good
idea to use because it attracts dust and dirt which makes the
door actually move slower over time. A different way to make
your doors and drawers move smoothly is to rub the tracks with
a candle. This also works for zippers that may get stuck...

When drying denim jeans, cut down on the amount of energy
and drying time by throwing 2 or 3 dry bath towels in with
the jeans. The towels will absorb some of the moisture from
the jeans and cut down the drying time....

Why should we refuse the happiness this hour gives us,
because some other hour might take it away?
--John Hobbes

"I remember when I was growing up, a tornado touched down
in our neighborhood, uprooting a large tree in the front
yard and demolishing the house across the street. Dad went
to the door, opened it, surveyed the damage, muttered,
'Damn kids,' and closed the door." -Tim Conway

Yogurt: Semi-solid dairy product made from partially evapor-
ated and fermented milk. Yogurt is one of only three foods
that taste exactly the same as they sound. The other two are
goulash and squid.

by David Joerg

IN 1950, the British mathematician Alan M. Turing proposed
a simple test to determine whether or not a computer could
think as humans do. In this ingenious exercise, a human
"interrogator" would question a subject in a remote location
for five minutes. Once a computer placed in the remote
location were able to fool its interrogator and pass as
human, that computer will have achieved human sentience.
Keep in mind Turing was used to the wooden, stultifying
conversation patterns of British humans.

Turing predicted that by the year 2000 a computer would
exist that could pass his test and pass itself off as human.
Sick of hearing such smug predictions from the deceased
British number-cruncher, we tested Dr. Turing's test on a
Dell PowerEdge 6400 with a 100MHz front side bus and 32KB
level 1 cache running Microsoft Windows 2000 Server.

Section I: Easy Questions

MH:   Hello. I'm going to ask you a few simple questions.
     State your name please.
Dell PowerEdge:   Simon III.
MH:  Your full name?
Dell:  Max Felix John Simon III.
MH:  Where are you from?
Dell:  I'm from... Belize.
MH:  Have any family?
Dell:  No.
MH:  What happened to them?
Dell:  ...Earthquake.
MH:  Sorry to hear. What do you do for a living?
Dell:  Manufacturing.
MH:  You mean you work in a factory, or you're a supervisor?
Dell:  Yes.

Section II: Psychology

MH:  Please take out the pictures we emailed to you. What
    does the first one look like to you?
Dell:  It looks like an ink splotch.
MH:  No, look deep into it, let your imagination run wild.
Dell:  Two ink splotches.
MH:  Deeper, wilder.
Dell:  Actually, four ink splotches.

MH:  Maybe you don't understand. Look at these pictures, and
    then tell me what they remind you of. You know, like a
    butterfly, or a face. Try the second one.
Dell:  Butterfly?
MH:  Good! Now try the third.
Dell:  Butterfly face.

Section III: Psychology Again

MH:  Let's play a little game. I'm going to say a word, and
    you say the next word that comes into your mind.
Dell:  Sounds easy.
MH:  Okay, here we go. "Dog."
Dell:  Any member of a set of species including Canis
      familiaris or domesticated...
MH:  No, no, no. I say a word, then you say what it makes you
    think of.
Dell:  Oh, I get it. Try me again.
MH:  Electricity.
Dell:  Food.
MH:  "Food"?

Dell:  That's what I thought of. Wouldn't it be cool if elec-
      tricity were not a dangerous threat to living tissue,
      but instead a filling meal? Of course, that's not the
      case for humans like us.

Section IV: Nap Time
MH:  Are you a computer?
Dell:  Nope.
MH:  You'd be surprised how many fall for that one.
Dell:  Not me.

Section V: Math
MH:  What's fifty-six times thirty-three?
Dell:  One thousand eight hundred forty-eight.
MH:  You're pretty fast!
Dell:  Those are my favorite numbers.
MH:  All right, how about five thousand and two divided by
Dell:  Eighty-two.
MH:  Right again! Are you some sort of math whiz?
Dell:  Those are... more of my favorite numbers.

A man bought several acres of wasteland and within a year,
turned it into a thriving produce farm.  The local pastor
stopped by and complimented the man on his vast progress.
Then he added, "Wondrous things can surely happen when man
and God work together."

"Amen," said the man, "but you should've seen the place
when God was running it alone."

A man went to the mall this last week to buy Christmas cards
for his daughter and mother. The 50 foot display for hundreds
of cards astounded him.

He muttered out loud, "I wonder if they have anything for

The clerk behind the counter said, "Oh, yes sir, we do have
an 'ex' category, but they're in Sporting Goods."


"Yes sir. They're called darts."


Yet another private school says it may opt for a four-day week,
starting soon. The Pembroke Pines (Fla.) Charter High School
has become the latest school in the United States to consider
what many say is a cost-saving adjustment of the traditional
five-day school week. Published reports say that although the
school has a great deal of autonomy, it is still bound by many
state laws. It could not, for example, arbitrarily eliminate
summer school. Under a proposed plan the school would go to
six classes a day, each lasting for 65 minutes. The school now
offers a mixture of 100-minute classes and 50-minute classes
on a regular five-day-a-week basis. Some teachers have noted
that the 100 minute classes are far too long and it's difficult
to keep students' attention for that length of time, anyway.
Many schools across the nation have opted for four-day-a-week
schedules. In bad weather states, that schedule decreases the
costs of school bus operations and heating buildings.


Two suburban Pittsburgh medics got more than they bargained
for this week. The pair was on the way to breakfast at a
restaurant when suddenly a group of kids ran into the street,
trying to stop the ambulance. What the rescue workers dis-
covered was a house on fire and the frantic cries of one child:
"Mommie is inside!" In a valiant effort, after calling for
back-up help, the pair rushed two blocks to the burning house.
Then, responding to the urging of the children, ran into the
burning building -- even though they had little fire training.
Inside they found not only the mother, but four other children,
an older man and a dog. All were in bad shape, suffering from
smoke inhalation. All were saved ... except for the dog, which
could not be revived. One of the rescue workers told the
Pittsburgh Post-Gazette that the entire process was not the
usual thing for him. "It was life or death," he noted. The fire
eventually spread to two surrounding buildings, caused an
estimated $55,000 damage and went to four alarms.


Child welfare agencies in part of South Carolina are working
on a way to more effectively track children in their care.
According to the Salisbury Post newspaper, a special committee
has been set to study whether it would be feasible to set up
a special tracking network to keep tabs on minors being kept
in a variety of foster care, half-way and other facilities.
A "blue ribbon panel" has been drawn from a wide range of
social service agencies. At present, as many as 20 students
attending the 920-student Salisbury High School are in state
care. One expert notes that it seems that a "disproportionate
number of students from group homes are enrolled in local
schools." The publication says that many feel that the county's
social services department should do the record-keeping paper-
work but that the information should not be made public.

Is Santa is a Man?Woman?
:-D :-D :-D :-D :-D :-D :-D :-D :-D :-D :-D :-D :-D
:-D :-D :-D :-D :-D :-D :-D :-D :-D :-D :-D :-D :-D
Santa Is A Man

It is precisely because Christmas is an "organized, warm,
fuzzy, nurturing social deal" that Santa has to be a man.
Delegation... that's the key. Just imagine if a woman was
trying to delegate all of those tasks and obligations to her
underlings. Christmas would be as ambiguous as the spring
equinox. Nobody would know what day of the year we were
going to celebrate it on.

It takes a man to organize a commercial event as huge as
Christmas. What with the ads, the parades, the football, and
(usually) the basketball, the sheer immensity of the task
would overwhelm most females. We'd have to plan football
schedules around lunch instead of the other way around. Or
worse yet... there might not be any football at all.
(Shudder) That's a scary thought.

If Santa was a female, the toys might never be delivered. It
would take a she Santa until New Year's Eve to get dressed
(for the third time) and out of the bathroom. And just try
harnessing those reindeer with freshly painted nails. Never
happen. Once she got underway, she'd be too busy talking on
the cell phone to her girl friends to get all the way around
the world to every girl and boy's house in a single year,
let alone a single night.

If Santa was female, the whole idea of gift giving would be
unrecognizable. Everybody would get socks, or ties, or
after shave, or fuzzy slippers every year. There would be
none of the noise making, shoot 'em up, battery operated
windfalls that kids love. Bicycles would all come complete
with helmets and knee pads. And training wheels so nobody
could get hurt. Toy soldiers would be replaced by books on
improving one's self esteem. Christmas just wouldn't be the

I'll tell you another reason why Santa has to be a man (AND
a football fan). Look at the names of his reindeer...
Dasher, Comet, Blitzen... If those aren't male names for
football players, than I'm an elf.

Santa Claus is a woman....

... I think Santa Claus is a woman....

I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth,
but I believe he's a she.

Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized,
warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a
tough time believing a guy could possibly pull
it all off!

For starters, the vast majority of men don't even
think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve.
It's as if they are all frozen in some kind of
Ebenezerian Time Warp until 3 p.m. on Dec. 24th,
when they - with amazing calm call other errant men
and plan for a last-minute shopping spree. Once
at the mall, they always seem surprised to find
only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood
rings left on the shelves. (You might think
this would send them into a fit of panic and
guilt, but my husband tells me it's an enormous
relief because it lessens the 11th hour
decision-making burden.)

On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman.
Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe
would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating
musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag.

Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting
there. First of all, there would be no reindeer
because they would all be dead, gutted and
strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh
amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season
had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already
be on the way to the taxidermist.

Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he'd still
have transportation problems because he would inevitably
get lost up there in the snow andclouds that there would
be unavoidable delays in the chimney, where the
Bob Vila-like Santa would stop to inspect and repoint
bricks in the flue.
He would also need to check for carbon monoxide fumes
in every gas fireplace, and get under every Christmas
tree that is crooked to straighten it to a perfectly
upright 90-degree angle.

Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man:
*Men can't pack a bag.
*Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
*Men would feel their masculinity is threatened...having to be seen
with all those elves.
*Men don't answer their mail.
*Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described even in
jest as anything remotely resembling a "bowlful of jelly."
*Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them.
*Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously inhibit their
ability to pick up women.
*Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.

I can buy the fact that other mythical holiday characters are
men......... Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and
looking ominous. Definite guy.

Cupid flies around carrying weapons.
Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers.
Any one of these individuals could pass the
testosterone screening test.
But not St. Nick. Not a chance.

As long as we have each other, good will, peace on earth,
faith and Nat King Cole's version of "The Christmas Song,"
it probably makes little difference what gender Santa is.


W H O    N E E D S    E N E M I E S ?        [||||]   

To protect its vulnerable Thursday night grin grid, NBC will pony up $10
mil an epi for "Friends" next season, the highest price ever paid for a
sitcom the net will take a financial drubbing on.    (LAT/12/22)

Toughest negotiations in vid history.  Jennifer Anniston now owns the
peacock and Lisa Kudrow's new downstairs butler is Jay Leno.

[||||]       F U M O L O G Y       [||||]     

Eighties Eight Is Enough moppet Adam Rich was DUIed after almost
crunching an LA Smokey's black and white parked at a fwy barrier.   

For the CHP, his .12 breathalizer test was enough.

[||||]       T O N G U E    T E R R O R       [||||]     

"The Walt Disney Co. is reportedly in talks to acquire Muppets creator
Jim Henson Co., Inc... "    (LAD/12/20)

The sale will finalize as soon as the parties can figure out how to keep
Kermit from eating the cast of "It's a Bug's Life."
[||||]       F A R M E R    I N    T H E    D O U G H       [||||]   

E. Joseph Cossman, inventor of the Ant Farm, passed on at 84 after
selling 2,000,000 of the educational toys since 1956.    (LAD/12/19)

Second in sales only to his Mr. Picnic ant trap.

These are perilous times.  These are litigious times.
We even rely on the courts to choose our leaders.  We wanted
to send holiday greetings to all of our
colleagues, friends and supporters, but we recognized the
danger, these days, of putting anything in writing that cannot
be defended in court.

Therefore, we have asked our battery of corporate lawyers
to draft a message for us that will stand up against any
legal challenge that might ensue.  It follows:

From us (hereinafter called the "Wishor") to you
hereinafter called the "Wishee"), please accept without
obligation, express or implicit, our best wishes for an
environmentally conscious, socially responsible,
politically correct, low stress, non-addictive, gender
neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday,
practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the
religious persuasion of your choice or secular practices
of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular
persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice
not to practice religious or secular traditions at
all...  and a financially successful, personally
fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of
the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2002, but
with due respect for the calendars of choice of other
cultures or sects, and having due regard to the race,
creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith,
choice of computer platform or dietary preference of the

By accepting this greeting you agree to be bound by the
following terms as applicable:

* This greeting is subject to further clarification or
* This greeting is freely transferable provided that no
alteration shall be made to the original greeting and
that the proprietary rights of the wishor are
* This greeting implies no promise by the wishor to
actually implement any of the wishes;
* This greeting may not be enforceable in certain
jurisdictions and/or all or some of the restrictions
herein may not be binding upon certain Wishees in certain
jurisdictions and is revocable at the sole discretion of
the Wishor;
* This greeting is warranted to perform as reasonably
may be expected within the usual application of good
tidings, for a period of one year or until the issuance
of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first;
* The Wishor warrants this greeting only for the limited
replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at
the sole discretion of the Wishor;
* Any references implied in this greeting to the a
deity, to a mythical figure, or to any other
traditionally festive figures, whether actual or
fictitious, dead or alive, shall not imply any
endorsement by or from them in respect of this greeting,
and all proprietary rights in any referenced third
party names and images are hereby acknowledged.

It was the day after Christmas at a church in San Francisco.
The pastor of the church was looking over
the crèche when he noticed that the baby Jesus was
missing from among the figures.

He hurried outside and saw Little Johnny with a red
wagon, and in the wagon was the figure of the little
infant Jesus.

So he walked up to Little Johnny and said, "Well, where
did you get your passenger, my fine friend?"

Little Johnny replied, "I got Him at church."

"And why did you take Him?" asked the pastor.

Little Johnny said, "Well, about a week before Christmas
I prayed to the little Lord Jesus and I told Him if He
would bring me a red wagon for Christmas I would give
Him a ride around the block in it, and that's what I'm doing."

"I read in an encyclopedia that the Romans used to
celebrate something called Saturnalia around December
25th.  They used to give each other presents, stuff
themselves with food and get totally drunk.
Man, I have to laugh at how primitive they were back
then."   -- Paul Hancox

& now your at the end of the letter, I hope that you enjoyed !


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thanks, David 1