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The News Letter, 021226-2








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By the way, on some of the pictures, if you hover your pointer over the picture, ya might find a comment from me on it,
now that I've learned how to do that.



Now its time for the show to start & I think we'll start now!!!!





12 politically correct days of Christmas

On the 12th day of the Eurocentrically imposed midwinter
festival, my Significant Other in a consenting adult, mono-
gamous relationship gave to me:

TWELVE males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual
drumming,

ELEVEN pipers piping (plus the 18-member pit orchestra made
up of members in good standing of the Musicians Equity Union
as called for in their union contract even though they will
not be asked to play a note),

TEN melanin deprived testosterone-poisoned scions of the
patriarchal ruling class system leaping,

NINE persons engaged in rhythmic self-expression,

EIGHT economically disadvantaged female persons stealing
milk-products from enslaved Bovine-Americans,

SEVEN endangered swans swimming on federally protected wet-
lands,

SIX enslaved Fowl-Americans producing stolen non-human animal
products,
 
FIVE golden symbols of culturally sanctioned enforced domestic
incarceration,

FOUR hours of recorded whale songs

THREE deconstructionist poets

TWO Sierra Club calendars printed on recycled processed tree
carcasses and...

ONE Spotted Owl activist chained to an old-growth pear tree.

Merry Christmas Happy Chanukah. Good Kwanzaa. Blessed Yule.
Happy Holidays! (unless otherwise prohibited by law)*

* Unless, of course, you are suffering from Seasonally
 Affected Disorder (SAD). If this be the case, please
 substitute this gratuitous call for celebration with
 suggestion that you have a thoroughly adequate day.





As a little girl climbed onto Santa's lap, Santa asked the
usual, "And what would you like for Christmas ?"

The child stared at him, open-mouthed, then gasped: "Didn't you get my letter?"





A British clergyman struggled along with a small congregation
in a small neighborhood. A commercial firm offered to supply
free hymn books, provided they could insert a bit of discreet
advertising into the hymnals. The pastor was reluctant but
finally agreed. When the hymnals arrived, he eagerly examined
them and was delighted to find no brash advertisements on or
inside the covers.

The next Sunday, his flock began to sing from the hymnals.
All went well until the third song, when the congregation
lifted their voices in unison to the melodious notes of:

Hark the herald angels sing,
Hanson's pills are just the thing;
Peace on earth and mercy mild,
Two for men and one for child.


NO Susan, I don't have
a gun, Y E T



EAST COAST HIGHWAY PROJECT HITS BIG SNAG          

A project to redesign a "mixing bowl" Interstate highway inter-
change in the suburbs of the nation's capital is in trouble.
The project, the complete re-doing of the exchange between the
city's beltway and Interstates 95 and 395, is still incomplete.
Fly-over ramps seem to hang in midair; other ramps are still
not completed and traffic is in even worse shape than usual
as it snakes through the construction zone. When the inter-
change was originally designed it was assumed that Interstate
95 -- the major north-south Interstate on the Atlantic coast
-- would go through Washington, piecing the beltway at both
"7 o'clock" and "1 o'clock" on the circular highway. But the
through-Washington leg was never done. Now I-95 approaches
from the north and south and uses the eastern half of the
beltway as its right-of-way. So, the interchange in question
is a "turning point" rather than a pass-through point. But its
ramps weren't designed that way. WTOP, the all-news CBS station
in Washington, is reporting that the major reason for the slow
completion of the "mixing bowl" project is that it's costing
way more than anticipated: up to $1 billion. The congressman
in whose district the project sits calls the latest assessment
of the cost over-runs "damning."





SHORT-TERM CAR RENTALS INCREASING             
    
An innovative company is providing car rentals for short
periods at locations in major cities, near airports and transit
stations. The company, Flexcar, works with local transportation
agencies, such as bus and subway lines, to publicize its "by
the hour" rental plans. Additionally, the company offers
environmentally sound vehicles, such as the new electric-gas
hybrids. People using the system apply for membership in
advance, listing their credit card info and and insurance in-
formation. Using a "smart card" access protocol, drivers are
able to pick up their vehicles at pre-arranged locations. The
service is becoming increasingly popular for urbanites who find
it cheaper to regularly rent a car rather than endure the
problems and cost of ownership, especially if their city is
served by adequate mass transit. Flexcar used an already-in-
place European model in bringing the service to the States.
It's first location was in Seattle. For more, check out flexcar.com on the Internet.





They tease me now, telling me it was only a dream. But does
it matter whether it was a dream or reality, if the dream
made known to me the truth?
--Dostoevsky

No country can act wisely simultaneously in every part of
the globe at every moment of time.
--Henry Kissinger

Many people die with their music still in them. Why is this
so? Too often it is because they are always getting ready
to live. Before they know it, time runs out.
--Oliver Wendell Holmes Jr., Supreme Court Justice





Refrigerating rubber bands makes them last longer and less
brittle...

If you have a favorite glass that has a small chip on the
lip, rub it with fine grade sandpaper to smooth it out. When
the chip is smooth to the touch, gently rub around the whole
glass to even out any imperfections...

If you have old books on the shelves or the attic that smell
musty, sprinkle talcum powder in between the pages of the book
and wrap the book in brown paper. (A grocery bag works well).
Store the book a month or two. When the time is up, remove it
from the paper and gently brush out the powder. The odor will
be gone.........

If your hands get stained with any type of food, a slice of
raw potato rubbed over the stain will remove it...





NEW LOTR FILM "TOWERS" OVER THE COMPETITION         

The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers" one of the most keenly
awaited movies of the year, easily topped the North American
box office in its first weekend of release, posting stronger
numbers than its predecessor did last year, its studio said
on Sunday.

The middle installment in New Zealand director Peter Jackson's
fantasy trilogy earned $61.5 million for the three days
beginning Dec. 20 -- a 25 percent improvement on the first
weekend performance by "The Fellowship of the Ring."

The $270-million "Lord of the Rings" series is being released
by New Line Cinema, a unit of AOL Time Warner Inc.

Since opening Wednesday with $26 million, a sum that set a new
benchmark for a single day in December, "Two Towers" has
tallied $101.5 million after five days. This represents a 33
percent boost from the first five days of "Fellowship," a
studio spokesman said.

"Fellowship" was the previous holder of the December one-day
record, opening with $18.2 million, also on the Wednesday
before Christmas. It earned $47.2 million in its first weekend,
and had pulled in $101.5 million after its first five days.
It eventually grossed $313 million in North America, and about
$550 million overseas.

"Two Towers" was playing on 6,633 screens in 3,622 theaters
across North America; "Fellowship" played on 5,700 screens
in 3,359 venues.

The biggest film so far this year has been "Spider-Man," which
earned a record $115 million in its first three days, and ended
up with $404 million domestically.





LAWYERS, GUNS AND THE BOSS

Rolling Stone.com reports Bruce Springsteen will appear on
Warren Zevon's final album, expected to be released next
summer. Springsteen has been recording with Zevon at a stu-
dio in Los Angeles, where Zevon is completing a "final" album
tentatively titled "My Dirty Life and Times." Zevon began
working on the album after he was diagnosed with terminal
cancer earlier this year. Springsteen and Zevon have written
together before, collaborating on "Jeannie Needs a Shooter"
from Zevon's 1980 album "Bad Luck Streak in Dancing School."
Bob Dylan, Don Henley, Ry Cooder, Dwight Yoakam, Billy Bob
Thornton, Jim Keltner and frequent Zevon collaborator Jorge
Calderon already have made contributions. "It's a good idea
to be able to say goodbye to yourself," Zevon told Rolling
Stone, "one hopes fondly, and that you'll be at peace with
everyone you know, as I was with my parents. I hope I'll be
in that position with everybody around me, or that I'll have
written a song to a person I can't reach, to say, 'Hey, I
shouldn't have f---ed this up.'"





IN PRAISE OF HUMANITARIAN BONO

Few world-class entertainers are as dear to the hearts of music
fans as is Bono of U2. We stood by as he kept the deathwatch
for his father. He gave concerts, then flew back to Ireland
repeatedly, to be at his declining dad's bedside. And he has
been one of music's most-available charity sing- ers. Now the
ever-generous Bono has accepted an invitation to help Nelson
Mandela put on a concert to raise money for AIDS research and
assistance in Africa. Producers of the event say that Mandela
will host the event sometime in February. Requests have also
gone out to Sir Elton John, Bob Dylan, Sting and Michael
Jackson. In a reversal of for- tune, the site of the concert
will be the island on which Mandela was isolated and imprisoned
for two decades, accord- ing to published reports. The London
Sunday Mirror reported that Bono made a previous trip to Africa
during the past year. In January he traveled to a Malawi
hospital to support an Irish-funded AIDS project. He visited
with Irish nuns there and even joined them in a jam session.





Did Ya' Know: 021224
------------------------------------
The question was:  Who popularized the song 'Rudolph
the Red Nosed Reindeer'?   Gene Autry

Born: Orvon Gene Autry on September 29th, 1907, near
Tioga, Texas.  Died: October 2 1998.

He wrote over 200 songs.  By the early 1960s he had
retired from acting and owned hotels, real estates,
radio stations and the California Angels professional
baseball team.

He has five stars in the Hollywood Walk Of Fame; for
Recording, Movies, TV, Radio, and live theater.

*grin* It makes people wonder!
~AIKEN~





Sign over a gynecologist's office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

At a military hospital-door to colonoscopy:
"To expedite your visit, please back in."

On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."

On the trucks of a local plumbing company:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."

Pizza shop slogan:
"7 days without pizza makes one weak."

Another Pizza shop slogan:
"Buy our pizza. We knead the dough."

At a tire shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout."

Door of a plastic surgeon's office:
"Hello. Can we pick your nose?"

At a drycleaners:
"How about we refund your money, send you a new one at nocharge,
close the store and have the manager shot. Would that be satisfactory?"

At a towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

On an electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."

In a non-smoking area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate
action."
On a maternity room door:
"Push. Push. Push."

At an optometrist's office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right
place."

On a taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."

In a podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."

On a fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."

At a car dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."

Outside a muffler shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

In a veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

At the electric company:
"We would be de-lighted if you pay your bill. However, if you don't, you
will be."

In a restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry. Come on in and get fed up."

In the front yard of a funeral home:
"Drive slow. We'll wait."

At a propane filling station:
"Tank heaven for little grills."

Sign at a Chicago radiator shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak."





Grandma Got Addicted

Grandma got addicted to the computer,
When she opened her present, early Christmas eve.
You can say there's no such thing as Microsoft,
but as for me and Grandpa, we believe.

When they found her Christmas mornin',
At the scene of the crime.
There were keyboard prints on her forehead,
And she was still online.
She'd been sending out some emails,
To people she didn't know.

She left her medication on the desk
And said her connection was too slow.
She looked wide eyed as she kept
Typing with her hands.
We knew we had lost her
To a world, with far off lands.

Now were all so proud of Grandpa,
He's been takin' this so well.
See him in there watchin' football,
Playin' cards with cousin Belle.

It's not Christmas without Grandma.
She's always in the back.
If we want to talk to grandma, we
Have to join her online in chat.

Now the goose isn't on the table
And no Christmas goodies in the house.
The only cookies she has made are
The ones with her mouse.

Grandma has been busy, scanning
Pictures for her page.
And we just can't help but wonder,
Should we open up her gifts or let them age.

I've warned all my friends and neighbors.
Watch out before you buy.
You could lose your grandma to the computer,

Just like grandpa and I.





Two guys sat down for lunch in the General Motors office cafeteria.
"Hey, whatever happened to Bill in Engineering?"one asked.

"He got this harebrained notion he was going to build a new kind
of car," his co-worker replied.

"How was he going to do it?"

"He took a engine from a Firehawk, 6 sp. transmission from a Corvette,
Camaro body, seats from a Blazer, wheels and tires from a Caddy
and, well, you get the idea."

"So what did he end up with?"

"Ten years to life."





Qik Piks for those of you with a short attention span...

"A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me -
I am afraid of widths."  Steven Wright

I've decided to get into shape. The shape I've chosen
is a triangle.

Always decide not to decide, unless you decide to
change your mind.  Always begin, start, initiate, take
the first step, and/or write  the first word, when and if
you get around to it.

I found my "inner child" and put the brat up for adoption.

I used to be schizophrenic, but we're OK now.

I couldn't care less about apathy.

Well I'm outta here... places to go, papers to sign, pens to
confiscate, moles to uncover and mice to bury...
Dame Diva Dianne





Hey all this is from 1-joke ezine, The original ezine that got me started !
Any way I posted the whole issue as a pop up when you click here
& it's a nice one. It's got a bunch of edditions of the "'Twas The Night Before Christmas" Poems.


& I saw this for real in a 
resteraunt one day


Last week my wife and I purchased a new computer.
We ran into some difficulties while setting it up
so we decided to call the customer support phone number
we found in the manual.
I picked up the phone and called the number.
A man answered the phone and I explained the problem to him.
He began rattling off computer jargon.
This confused us even more.
"Sir," I said politely,
"Can you explain what I should do as if I were a small child?"
"Okay," the computer support guy said,
"Son, could you please put your mommy on the phone?"


NOW this could very well be me.



Petition To End Blond Harassment--We Can't Take No More!

We blonds at the office are tired of all the, dump stooped jokes about
us. We think this is harassment. It causes us granite stress and makes
our roots turn dark.

We have hired a layer and he is talking to the layers at Clairol. We
will take this all the way to the supreme curt if we have two. Juju
Thomas knows all about harassment and he will be on are side.
We of also talked to the goner to make a new law to stop this
persecution. We want a law that makes peephole tell brunet jokes
as much as blond jokes and every so offend a red heed joke.

If we don't get our way we will not date anybody that ain't blond
and we will make up jokes about you and we will laugh.

Sinned by the blonds at the office:

 XOXOXOXOOXOXOXOXXOXOXOXOOXOXOXOX

(sinned with a penult so you can erase it if you make a mistake)





The Day After Christmas

Twas the day after Christmas, and all through the
house, Every creature was hurting-even the mouse.
   
The toys were all broken, their batteries dead;
Santa passed out, with some ice on his head.
   
Wrapping and ribbons just covered the floor, while
Upstairs the family continued to snore.
   
And I in my T-shirt, new Reeboks and jeans, Went
into the kitchen and started to clean.
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter, I
sprang from the sink to see what was the matter.
   
Away to the window I flew like a flash, Tore open
the curtains, and threw up the sash.
   
When what to my wondering eyes should appear, But a
little white truck, with an oversized mirror.
   
The driver was smiling, so lively and grand; The
patch on his jacket said "U.S. POSTMAN."
   
With a handful of bills, he grinned like a fox Then
quickly he stuffed them into our mailbox.
   
Bill after bill, after bill, they still came.
Whistling and shouting he called them by name:

"Now Dillard's, now Broadway's, now Penny's and Sears
Here's Levitz's and Target's and Mervyns's-all here!!
   
To the tip or your limit, every store, every mall,
Now charge-charge-charge all!"
   
He whooped and he whistled as he finished his work.
He filled up the box, and then turned with a jerk.
He sprang to his truck and he drove down the road,
Driving much faster with just half a load.
   
Then I heard him exclaim with great holiday cheer,
"ENJOY WHAT YOU GOT ...
YOU'LL BE PAYING ALL YEAR!!!!!!!!!"





Bizarre Lawyers ----------------------+
                        
A former insurance official in Kansas hurt himself trying
to lift his briefcase from his car trunk. Even though he
missed no work or even a golf game on account of the injury,
he was awarded $95,000 because of the work-related injury.

A law firm in New Orleans routinely billed four hours
of work for letters that were only one sentence in length.

A Chicago lawyer charged $25,000 for "ground transportation"
while on business in San Francisco.

A Kansas lawyer received close to $35,000 in workmen's
compensation because he hurt his shoulder reaching into
the backseat of the car for his briefcase.

A lawyer while working on a government contract, wrote a
definition of the words "and/or" that was over 300 words in length.


& now your at the end of the letter, I hope that you enjoyed !

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The times on this one are 194 seconds for 28K modem,
115 seconds for 56k modem & 53 seconds for cable/dsl

thanks, David 1