By the way, on some of the pictures, if you hover your pointer over the picture, ya might find a comment from me on it, now that I've learned how to do that.
Now its time for the show to start & I think we'll start now!!!!
12 politically correct days of Christmas
On the 12th day of the
Eurocentrically imposed midwinter festival, my Significant Other in a
consenting adult, mono- gamous relationship gave to me:
reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual drumming,
pipers piping (plus the 18-member pit orchestra made up of members in good
standing of the Musicians Equity Union as called for in their union contract
even though they will not be asked to play a note),
deprived testosterone-poisoned scions of the patriarchal ruling class system
NINE persons engaged in rhythmic self-expression,
economically disadvantaged female persons stealing milk-products from
SEVEN endangered swans swimming on federally
protected wet- lands,
SIX enslaved Fowl-Americans producing stolen
non-human animal products,
FIVE golden symbols of culturally
sanctioned enforced domestic incarceration,
FOUR hours of recorded
THREE deconstructionist poets
TWO Sierra Club
calendars printed on recycled processed tree carcasses and...
Spotted Owl activist chained to an old-growth pear tree.
Happy Chanukah. Good Kwanzaa. Blessed Yule. Happy Holidays! (unless
otherwise prohibited by law)*
* Unless, of course, you are suffering
from Seasonally Affected Disorder (SAD). If this be the case, please
substitute this gratuitous call for celebration with suggestion that
you have a thoroughly adequate day.
As a little girl climbed onto Santa's lap, Santa asked the usual, "And what
would you like for Christmas ?"
The child stared at him, open-mouthed,
then gasped: "Didn't you get my letter?"
A British clergyman struggled along with a small congregation in a small
neighborhood. A commercial firm offered to supply free hymn books, provided
they could insert a bit of discreet advertising into the hymnals. The pastor
was reluctant but finally agreed. When the hymnals arrived, he eagerly
examined them and was delighted to find no brash advertisements on or
inside the covers.
The next Sunday, his flock began to sing from the
hymnals. All went well until the third song, when the congregation lifted
their voices in unison to the melodious notes of:
Hark the herald angels
sing, Hanson's pills are just the thing; Peace on earth and mercy
mild, Two for men and one for child.
EAST COAST HIGHWAY PROJECT HITS BIG SNAG
A project to redesign
a "mixing bowl" Interstate highway inter- change in the suburbs of the
nation's capital is in trouble. The project, the complete re-doing of the
exchange between the city's beltway and Interstates 95 and 395, is still
incomplete. Fly-over ramps seem to hang in midair; other ramps are still
not completed and traffic is in even worse shape than usual as it snakes
through the construction zone. When the inter- change was originally designed
it was assumed that Interstate 95 -- the major north-south Interstate on the
Atlantic coast -- would go through Washington, piecing the beltway at both
"7 o'clock" and "1 o'clock" on the circular highway. But the
through-Washington leg was never done. Now I-95 approaches from the
north and south and uses the eastern half of the beltway as its
right-of-way. So, the interchange in question is a "turning point" rather
than a pass-through point. But its ramps weren't designed that way. WTOP,
the all-news CBS station in Washington, is reporting that the major reason
for the slow completion of the "mixing bowl" project is that it's costing
way more than anticipated: up to $1 billion. The congressman in whose
district the project sits calls the latest assessment of the cost over-runs
SHORT-TERM CAR RENTALS INCREASING
company is providing car rentals for short periods at locations in major
cities, near airports and transit stations. The company, Flexcar, works with
local transportation agencies, such as bus and subway lines, to publicize
its "by the hour" rental plans. Additionally, the company offers
environmentally sound vehicles, such as the new electric-gas hybrids.
People using the system apply for membership in advance, listing their
credit card info and and insurance in- formation. Using a "smart card" access
protocol, drivers are able to pick up their vehicles at pre-arranged
locations. The service is becoming increasingly popular for urbanites who
find it cheaper to regularly rent a car rather than endure the problems
and cost of ownership, especially if their city is served by adequate mass
transit. Flexcar used an already-in- place European model in bringing the
service to the States. It's first location was in Seattle. For more, check
out flexcar.com on the Internet.
They tease me now, telling me it was only a dream. But does it matter whether
it was a dream or reality, if the dream made known to me the
No country can act wisely simultaneously in every part of the globe at every
moment of time. --Henry Kissinger
Many people die with their music still in them. Why is this so? Too often it
is because they are always getting ready to live. Before they know it, time
runs out. --Oliver Wendell Holmes Jr., Supreme Court Justice
Refrigerating rubber bands makes them last longer and
If you have a favorite glass that has a small chip on
the lip, rub it with fine grade sandpaper to smooth it out. When the chip
is smooth to the touch, gently rub around the whole glass to even out any
If you have old books on the shelves or the attic that smell musty, sprinkle
talcum powder in between the pages of the book and wrap the book in brown
paper. (A grocery bag works well). Store the book a month or two. When the
time is up, remove it from the paper and gently brush out the powder. The
odor will be gone.........
If your hands get stained with any type of
food, a slice of raw potato rubbed over the stain will remove it...
NEW LOTR FILM "TOWERS" OVER THE COMPETITION
The Lord of the
Rings: The Two Towers" one of the most keenly awaited movies of the year,
easily topped the North American box office in its first weekend of release,
posting stronger numbers than its predecessor did last year, its studio said
The middle installment in New Zealand director Peter
Jackson's fantasy trilogy earned $61.5 million for the three days
beginning Dec. 20 -- a 25 percent improvement on the first weekend
performance by "The Fellowship of the Ring."
The $270-million "Lord of
the Rings" series is being released by New Line Cinema, a unit of AOL Time
Since opening Wednesday with $26 million, a sum that set a
new benchmark for a single day in December, "Two Towers" has tallied
$101.5 million after five days. This represents a 33 percent boost from the
first five days of "Fellowship," a studio spokesman
"Fellowship" was the previous holder of the December one-day
record, opening with $18.2 million, also on the Wednesday before
Christmas. It earned $47.2 million in its first weekend, and had pulled in
$101.5 million after its first five days. It eventually grossed $313 million
in North America, and about $550 million overseas.
"Two Towers" was
playing on 6,633 screens in 3,622 theaters across North America;
"Fellowship" played on 5,700 screens in 3,359 venues.
film so far this year has been "Spider-Man," which earned a record $115
million in its first three days, and ended up with $404 million
LAWYERS, GUNS AND THE BOSS
Rolling Stone.com reports Bruce Springsteen
will appear on Warren Zevon's final album, expected to be released next
summer. Springsteen has been recording with Zevon at a stu- dio in Los
Angeles, where Zevon is completing a "final" album tentatively titled "My
Dirty Life and Times." Zevon began working on the album after he was
diagnosed with terminal cancer earlier this year. Springsteen and Zevon have
written together before, collaborating on "Jeannie Needs a Shooter" from
Zevon's 1980 album "Bad Luck Streak in Dancing School." Bob Dylan, Don
Henley, Ry Cooder, Dwight Yoakam, Billy Bob Thornton, Jim Keltner and
frequent Zevon collaborator Jorge Calderon already have made contributions.
"It's a good idea to be able to say goodbye to yourself," Zevon told Rolling
Stone, "one hopes fondly, and that you'll be at peace with everyone you
know, as I was with my parents. I hope I'll be in that position with
everybody around me, or that I'll have written a song to a person I can't
reach, to say, 'Hey, I shouldn't have f---ed this up.'"
IN PRAISE OF HUMANITARIAN BONO
Few world-class entertainers are as dear
to the hearts of music fans as is Bono of U2. We stood by as he kept the
deathwatch for his father. He gave concerts, then flew back to Ireland
repeatedly, to be at his declining dad's bedside. And he has been one of
music's most-available charity sing- ers. Now the ever-generous Bono has
accepted an invitation to help Nelson Mandela put on a concert to raise
money for AIDS research and assistance in Africa. Producers of the event say
that Mandela will host the event sometime in February. Requests have also
gone out to Sir Elton John, Bob Dylan, Sting and Michael Jackson. In a
reversal of for- tune, the site of the concert will be the island on which
Mandela was isolated and imprisoned for two decades, accord- ing to
published reports. The London Sunday Mirror reported that Bono made a
previous trip to Africa during the past year. In January he traveled to a
Malawi hospital to support an Irish-funded AIDS project. He visited with
Irish nuns there and even joined them in a jam session.
Did Ya' Know: 021224 ------------------------------------ The question was: Who
popularized the song 'Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer'? Gene
Born: Orvon Gene Autry on September 29th, 1907, near Tioga,
Texas. Died: October 2 1998.
He wrote over 200 songs. By the early
1960s he had retired from acting and owned hotels, real estates, radio
stations and the California Angels professional baseball team.
five stars in the Hollywood Walk Of Fame; for Recording, Movies, TV, Radio,
and live theater.
*grin* It makes people wonder! ~AIKEN~
Sign over a gynecologist's office: "Dr. Jones, at your
At a military hospital-door to colonoscopy:
"To expedite your visit, please back in."
On a Plumber's
truck: "We repair what your husband fixed."
trucks of a local plumbing company: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your
Pizza shop slogan: "7 days without pizza
makes one weak."
Another Pizza shop slogan: "Buy our
pizza. We knead the dough."
At a tire shop in
Milwaukee: "Invite us to your next blowout."
Door of a
plastic surgeon's office: "Hello. Can we pick your nose?"
At a drycleaners: "How about we refund your money, send you a
new one at nocharge, close the store and have the manager shot. Would
that be satisfactory?"
At a towing company: "We don't
charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
On an electrician's
truck: "Let us remove your shorts."
In a non-smoking
area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take
appropriate action." On a maternity room door: "Push.
At an optometrist's office: "If you don't
see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
On a taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."
In a podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels."
On a fence: "Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."
At a car dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet -
miss a car payment."
Outside a muffler shop: "No
appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
In a veterinarian's
waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
electric company: "We would be de-lighted if you pay your bill. However,
if you don't, you will be."
In a restaurant
window: "Don't stand there and be hungry. Come on in and get fed
In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive slow.
At a propane filling station: "Tank heaven
for little grills."
Sign at a Chicago radiator shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak."
Grandma Got Addicted
Grandma got addicted to the computer, When she
opened her present, early Christmas eve. You can say there's no such thing as
Microsoft, but as for me and Grandpa, we believe.
When they found her
Christmas mornin', At the scene of the crime. There were keyboard prints
on her forehead, And she was still online. She'd been sending out some
emails, To people she didn't know.
She left her medication on the
desk And said her connection was too slow. She looked wide eyed as she
kept Typing with her hands. We knew we had lost her To a world, with
far off lands.
Now were all so proud of Grandpa, He's been takin' this
so well. See him in there watchin' football, Playin' cards with cousin
It's not Christmas without Grandma. She's always in the
back. If we want to talk to grandma, we Have to join her online in
Now the goose isn't on the table And no Christmas goodies in the
house. The only cookies she has made are The ones with her
Grandma has been busy, scanning Pictures for her page. And
we just can't help but wonder, Should we open up her gifts or let them
I've warned all my friends and neighbors. Watch out before you
buy. You could lose your grandma to the computer,
Just like grandpa
Two guys sat down for lunch in the General Motors office cafeteria. "Hey,
whatever happened to Bill in Engineering?"one asked.
"He got this
harebrained notion he was going to build a new kind of car," his co-worker
"How was he going to do it?"
"He took a engine from a
Firehawk, 6 sp. transmission from a Corvette, Camaro body, seats from a
Blazer, wheels and tires from a Caddy and, well, you get the
"So what did he end up with?"
"Ten years to life."
Qik Piks for those of you with a short attention span...
"A lot of people
are afraid of heights. Not me - I am afraid of widths." Steven
I've decided to get into shape. The shape I've chosen is a
Always decide not to decide, unless you decide to change
your mind. Always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write
the first word, when and if you get around to it.
I found my "inner
child" and put the brat up for adoption.
I used to be schizophrenic, but
we're OK now.
I couldn't care less about apathy.
Well I'm outta
here... places to go, papers to sign, pens to confiscate, moles to uncover
and mice to bury... Dame Diva Dianne
Hey all this is from 1-joke ezine, The original ezine that got me started !
Any way I posted the whole issue as a pop up when you click here
& it's a nice one. It's got a bunch of edditions of the "'Twas The Night Before Christmas" Poems.
Last week my wife and I purchased a new computer. We ran into some
difficulties while setting it up so we decided to call the customer support
phone number we found in the manual. I picked up the phone and called the
number. A man answered the phone and I explained the problem to him. He
began rattling off computer jargon. This confused us even more. "Sir," I
said politely, "Can you explain what I should do as if I were a small
child?" "Okay," the computer support guy said, "Son, could you please put
your mommy on the phone?"
Petition To End Blond Harassment--We Can't Take No More!
We blonds at the
office are tired of all the, dump stooped jokes about us. We think this is
harassment. It causes us granite stress and makes our roots turn
We have hired a layer and he is talking to the layers at Clairol.
We will take this all the way to the supreme curt if we have two.
Juju Thomas knows all about harassment and he will be on are side. We of
also talked to the goner to make a new law to stop this persecution. We want
a law that makes peephole tell brunet jokes as much as blond jokes and every
so offend a red heed joke.
If we don't get our way we will not date
anybody that ain't blond and we will make up jokes about you and we will
Sinned by the blonds at the
(sinned with a penult so
you can erase it if you make a mistake)
The Day After Christmas
Twas the day after Christmas, and all through
the house, Every creature was hurting-even the mouse.
were all broken, their batteries dead; Santa passed out, with some ice on
Wrapping and ribbons just covered the floor, while
Upstairs the family continued to snore.
And I in my T-shirt, new
Reeboks and jeans, Went into the kitchen and started to clean. When out
on the lawn there arose such a clatter, I sprang from the sink to see what
was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash, Tore open
the curtains, and threw up the sash.
When what to my wondering
eyes should appear, But a little white truck, with an oversized
The driver was smiling, so lively and grand; The patch on
his jacket said "U.S. POSTMAN."
With a handful of bills, he grinned
like a fox Then quickly he stuffed them into our mailbox.
after bill, after bill, they still came. Whistling and shouting he called
them by name:
"Now Dillard's, now Broadway's, now Penny's and Sears
Here's Levitz's and Target's and Mervyns's-all here!!
To the tip
or your limit, every store, every mall, Now charge-charge-charge
He whooped and he whistled as he finished his work. He
filled up the box, and then turned with a jerk. He sprang to his truck and
he drove down the road, Driving much faster with just half a load.
Then I heard him exclaim with great holiday cheer, "ENJOY WHAT YOU GOT
... YOU'LL BE PAYING ALL YEAR!!!!!!!!!"
Bizarre Lawyers ----------------------+
insurance official in Kansas hurt himself trying to lift his briefcase from
his car trunk. Even though he missed no work or even a golf game on account
of the injury, he was awarded $95,000 because of the work-related
A law firm in New Orleans routinely billed four hours of work
for letters that were only one sentence in length.
A Chicago lawyer
charged $25,000 for "ground transportation" while on business in San
A Kansas lawyer received close to $35,000 in workmen's
compensation because he hurt his shoulder reaching into the backseat of
the car for his briefcase.
A lawyer while working on a government
contract, wrote a definition of the words "and/or" that was over 300
words in length.
& now your at the end of the letter, I hope that you enjoyed !
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