By the way, on some of the pictures, if you hover your pointer over the picture, ya might find a comment from me on it, now that I've learned how to do that.
Now its time for the show to start & I think we'll start now!!!!
Three Wise Women
Do you know what would have happened if it had
been three wise women instead of three wise men?
They would have asked
directions, arrived on time, helped deliver the baby, cleaned the stable,
made a casserole, and brought practical
gifts! ----------------------------------- That's what women would LIKE
you to believe. However, this is what would have really
They would have been late getting started (It's tough to get
your make-up so that it doesn't clash with the camel).
Then one would
have to go back to change clothes because her outfit was too similar to one
of the other's.
After a quick (6 hours) stop at the mall for the
gift, they would have a huge fight about whether or not a Barney Sleeper
fell into the category of swaddling clothes.
Half way to the oasis the
camel would have broken down (no one checked his water level).
finally arriving at Bethlehem (They had to stop and ask directions 12 times),
they stopped at a beauty parlor to get their hair done (They couldn't see
the baby looking like that).
When they saw the stable they turned
around and went back to a Howard Johnson's and got a room for
everyone (There was no way they were going to stay in a dump
The feminine trio finally arrived back at the
stable only to find that the new parents had left for Egypt.
"What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the
next day." -- Phyllis Diller
Q. Why does Santa wear red
underwear? A. He's a man--he did all his laundry in one load.
1. Lower your expectations - Stop reading magazines
that suggest you can do it all this holiday! Read shampoo instructions
instead, they don't put so much pressure on you. "Lather, Rinse, Repeat."
You can do that!
2. Get help. You don't have to do this alone -
call your friends, call your relatives, call the people in your fear of
gingerbread men group. Anyone who can make your life simpler and more fun
during the holidays.
3. If crowds of shoppers cause your blood pressure
to boil, shop by catalog or shop where there are fewer people, such as
garage sales, small boutiques, and your periodontist. Wouldn't your Aunt Gus
just love some bubble gum flavored floss?
4. Wear a funny button
while shopping. "I know why Rudolph's nose is red!" "Touched by an angel,
I'm not saying where." "Give me chocolate and no one gets hurt!"
Don't buy gifts for people you don't like. Anyone STILL RUNNING for US
president, O.J. Simpson, take them off your list now!
agreements about holiday traditions. If half the family wants to open gifts
12/24 and the other 12/25, agree to open them at another time, like
Pet Your Dog Day.
7. Since you always revert to being a child during
the holidays, go ahead and sit at the children's table. Then when you
throw your food and no one will be surprised.
8. Admit that your
family get togethers are less like a Norman Rockwell picture and more like a
Stephen King Novel. As long as there's not a chalk outline under
the mistletoe, consider yourself blessed.
9. Don't watch movies with
unrealistic premises, such as It's a Wonderful Life; instead watch movies
that will cheer you up. You might pick your favorites from the American
Film Institute's Top 100 Comedies of the Century. Who says Young
Frankenstein isn't appropriate holiday fare?
10. If you don't have
loved ones to be with, get together with friends or co-workers and do fun
things like caroling or getting holiday tattoos.
11. In order to
prevent post-holiday stress, spend less now. Send funny cards instead of
gifts. Start a Humor Buddy Program, where making someone laugh is your
gift. Cut down on other unnecessary expenses such as bikini
12. Start your holiday preparations early. Like when you're
still in kindergarten!
No one can fracture a Christmas carol better than a kid. Sing along with
these new takes on old favorites:
* Deck the Halls with Buddy Holly *
We three kings of porridge and tar * On the first day of Christmas my tulip
gave to me * Later on we'll perspire, as we dream by the fire. * He's
makin' a list, chicken and rice. * Noel. Noel, Barney's the king of
Israel. * With the jelly toast proclaim * Olive, the other reindeer. *
Frosty the Snowman is a ferret elf, I say * Sleep in heavenly peas * In
the meadow we can build a snowman, Then pretend that he is sparse and
brown * You'll go down in listerine * Oh, what fun it is to ride with one
horse, soap and hay * Come, froggy faithful * You'll tell Carol, "Be
a skunk, I require" * Good tidings we bring to you and your kid
This holiday season, those who can put food on the table must remember those
who need it the most -- those unemployed workers from devalued
While you sit in a warm office, many dot-comers are
going without free food, caffeine or high-speed Internet access.
only $3.00 a day -- the price of a cup of coffee (at Starbucks) you can join
Feed The Dot Comers Foundation, and support a hungry former worker at a
dot com company with no realistic job prospects.
Don't think you can
make a difference? Just look at what your money can do:
will be put to task, buying a project coordinator's worthless stock, allowing
her to pay off some credit cards run up during the boom.
will go to purchase a Foosball table for an unemployed HTML coder, so he can
continue his rigorous daily exercise.
Your money can provide some
unfortunate web designer with a cable modem so he can spend the day
downloading MP3s off Napster at home as he had done in the
You'll be filled with holiday cheer when your money continues
some unfortunate team coordinator's subscription to Fast Company, allowing
them to dream about the old times - and think about working for company
that's a tad slower.
You could even provide a business development
manager with a fake cell phone and headphones, so he can pretend to make
bad business deals and build unworkable strategic alliances in the comfort of
his own home.
And you'll feel all tingly inside when your money
helps that recently fired 24 year-old Vice President go back to school and
learn some real business skills.
Dont be selfish. Remember those who
need a helping hand today. With your help, these unfortunate souls
can egain the pride and dignity they once had.
A mother was pleased with the card her son had made her for Christmas, but
was puzzled as to the scraggly- looking tree from which many presents
dangled, and at the very top, something that looked strangely like
She asked him if he would explain the drawing and why the
tree itself was so bare, instead of a fat pine tree.
"It's not a
Christmas tree." he said. "It's a cartridge in a pear tree."
Give your child mental blocks for Christmas!
"Christmas is a time when
kids tell Santa what they want and adults pay for it. Deficits are when
adults tell the government what they want and their kids pay for it."
-- Richard Lamm
'Twas the night before Christmas and all round my hips Were Fannie May
candies that sneaked past my lips. Fudge brownies were stored in the freezer
with care In hopes that my thighs would forget they were
While Mama in her my girdle and I in chin straps Had just
settled down to sugar-borne naps. When out in the pantry there arose such a
clatter I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the
kitchen I flew like a flash Tore open the icebox then threw up the
sash. The marshmallow look of the new-fallen snow Sent thoughts of a
binge to my body below.
When what to my wandering eyes should
appear: A marzipan Santa with eight chocolate reindeer! That huge chunk
of candy so luscious and slick I knew in a second that I'd wind up
The sweet-coated Santa, those sugared reindeer I closed my
eyes tightly but still I could hear; On Pritzker, on Stillman, on weak one,
on TOPS A Weight Watcher dropout from sugar detox.
From the top of
the scales to the top of the hall Now dash away pounds now dash away
all. Dressed up in Lane Bryant from my head to nightdress My clothes
were all bulging from too much excess.
My droll little mouth and my
round little belly They shook when I laughed like a bowl full of
jelly. I spoke not a word but went straight to my work Ate all of the
candy then turned with a jerk.
And laying a finger beside my
heartburn I gave a quick nod toward the bedroom I turned. I eased into
bed, to the heavens I cry If temptation's removed I'll get thin by and
And I mumbled again as I turned for the night In the morning
I'll starve..... 'til I take that first bite!
A 4-year-old boy who was asked to return thanks before Christmas dinner. The
family members bowed their heads in expectation. He began his prayer,
thanking God for all his friends, naming them one by one. Then he thanked
God for Mommy, Daddy, brother, sister, Grandma, Grandpa, and all his aunts
Then he began to thank God for the food. He gave
thanks for the turkey, the dressing, the fruit salad, the cranberry sauce,
the pies, and the cakes, even the Cool Whip.
Then he paused, and
everyone waited--and waited. After a long silence, the young fellow looked
up at his mother and asked, "If I thank God for the broccoli, won't
he know that I'm lying?"
A very religious couple was touring the Holy Land during the Christmas season
and decided it would be very meaningful to them to spend Christmas Eve in
Bethlehem, the birth place of Jesus.
Arriving there, they searched
high and low for a room, but none was available at any price. Finally,
they pulled up in front of the Sheraton-Bethlehem and the husband got out
of the car, telling his wife: "Stay here, sweetie. Let me see if I can do
something for us."
He approached the desk and the clerk told him
there were no rooms. "Sorry, sir. It's Christmas Eve, our busiest
No matter how much the man offered to pay, the clerk said he
had nothing. Finally, the man told the clerk, "I bet if I told you my name
was Joseph, that the woman waiting in the car was called Mary, and that she
had a newborn infant, you'd find us a room."
"Well," stammered the
clerk, "I-- I suppose so."
"Okay," said the man. "I guarantee you, they
are not coming tonight -- so I'll take their room."
BEST USES FOR FRUITCAKE
1. Bury them in the back yard for future
archaeologists to discover.
2. Give them to your son for a science
3. Hang on to it to find out if there REALLY is more than one
Fruitcake that's making it's rounds every year!!
4. Use it to hold up
a broken table or chair leg.
5. Mash them down and use for mortar when
building a log cabin
6. Use as exercise stepping block for step
7. Makes a wonderful dessert for Road Kill Cafe
8. Use them to pave the freeways with. Just place them on the
road and run a steamroller over them.
9. Use them as fillers to repair
the river levees with! They last indefinitely and are so dense, water
can never penetrate them.
10. Last and probably least - try eating
it! One way to get rid of it!
Gift Wrapping Hints for Ferret
1. Clear large space on
table for wrapping present.
2. Go to closet and collect bag in which
present is contained, and shut door.
3. Open door and remove ferret
4. Go to cupboard and retrieve rolls of wrapping
5. Go back and remove ferret from cupboard.
6. Go to
drawer, and collect transparent sticky tape, ribbons, scissors, labels,
7. Lay out presents and wrapping materials on table, to enable
wrapping strategy to be formed.
8. Go back to drawer to get string,
remove ferret that has been in the drawer since last visit and collect
9. Remove present from bag.
10. Remove ferret from
11. Open box to check present, remove ferret from box, replace
12. Lay out paper to enable cutting to size.
and smooth out paper, realize ferret is underneath and remove
14. Cut the paper to size, keeping the cutting line
15. Throw away first sheet as ferret chased the scissors,
and tore the paper.
16. Cut second sheet of paper to size - by
putting ferret in the bag the present came in.
17. Place present on
18. Lift up edges of paper to seal in present. Wonder why
edges don't reach. Realize ferret is between present and paper. Remove
19. Place object on paper, to hold in place while tearing
transparent sticky tape.
20. Spend 20 minutes carefully trying to
remove transparent sticky tape from ferret with pair of
21. Seal paper with sticky tape, making corners
as neat as possible.
22. Look for roll of ribbon. Chase ferret down
hall in order to retrieve ribbon.
23. Try to wrap present with ribbon
in a two-directional turn.
24. Re-roll ribbon and remove paper, which
is now torn due to ferret's enthusiastic ribbon chase.
steps 13-20 until you reach last sheet of paper.
26. Decide to skip
steps 13-17 in order to save time and reduce risk of losing last sheet of
paper. Retrieve old cardboard box that is the right size for sheet
27. Put present in box, and tie down with
28. Remove sting, open box and remove ferret.
all packing materials in bag with present and head for locked
30. Once inside lockable room, lock door and start to relay out
paper and materials.
31. Remove ferret from box, unlock door, put
ferret outside door, close and relock.
32. Repeat previous step as
often as is necessary (until you can hear ferret from outside
33. Lay out last sheet of paper. (This will be difficult in
the small area of the toilet, but do your best)
34. Discover ferret
has already torn paper. Unlock door go out and hunt through various
cupboards, looking for sheet of last year's paper. Remember that
you haven't got any left because ferret helped with this last year as
35. Return to lockable room, lock door, and sit on toilet and
try to make torn sheet of paper look presentable.
36. Seal box, wrap
with paper and repair by very carefully sealing with sticky tape. Tie up
with ribbon and decorate with bows to hide worst areas.
Sit back and admire your handiwork, congratulate yourself on completing a
38. Unlock door, and go to kitchen to make drink
and feed ferret.
39. Spend 15 minutes looking for ferret until coming
to obvious conclusion.
40. Unwrap present, untie box and remove
41. Go to store and buy a gift bag.
Merry Christmas in 70 Languages ___________
Afrikander - Een Plesierige
Kerfees Arabic - I'D MIILAD SAID OUA SANA SAIDA Argentine - Felices
Pasquas Y felices ano Nuevo Armenian - Shenoraavor Nor Dari yev Pari
Gaghand Azeri - Tezze Iliniz Yahsi Olsun Basque - Zorionak eta Urte Berri
On! Bohemian - Vesele Vanoce Brazilian - Boas Festas e Feliz Ano
Novo Breton - Nedeleg laouen na bloavezh mat Bulgarian - Tchestita Koleda;
Tchestito Rojdestvo Hristovo Chinese (Mandarin) - Kung His Hsin Nien bing
Chu Shen Tan Chinese (Catonese) - Gun Tso Sun Tan'Gung Haw Sun Cornish -
Nadelik looan na looan blethen noweth Cree - Mitho Makosi
Kesikansi Croatian - Sretan Bozic Czech - Prejeme Vam Vesele Vanoce a
stastny Novy Rok Danish - Gledelig Jul Dutch - Vrolijk Kerstfeest en een
Gelukkig Nieuwjaar! English - Merry Christmas Esperanto - Gajan
Kristnaskon Estonian - Ruumsaid juulup|hi Farsi - Cristmas-e-shoma mobarak
bashad Finnish - Hyvaa joulua French - Joyeux Noel Frisian - Noflike
Krystdagen en in protte Lok en Seine yn it _______ Nije Jier! German -
Froehliche Weihnachten Greek - Kala Christouyenna! Hawaiian - Mele
Kalikimaka Hebrew - Mo'adim Lesimkha. Chena tova Hindi - Shub Naya
Baras Hungarian - Kellemes Karacsonyi unnepeket Icelandic - Gledileg
Jol Indonesian - Selamat Hari Natal Iraqi - Idah Saidan Wa Sanah
Jadidah Irish - Nollaig Shona Dhuit Italian - Buone Feste
Natalizie Japanese - Shinnen omedeto. Kurisumasu omedeto Korean - Sung Tan
Chuk Ha Latvian - Prieci'gus Ziemsve'tkus un Laimi'gu Jauno
Gadu! Lithuanian - Linksmu Kaledu Manx - Nollick ghennal as blein vie
noa Maori - Meri Kirihimete Marathi - Shub Naya Varsh Navajo - Merry
Keshmish Norwegian - God Jul Pennsylvania German - En frehlicher
Grischtdaag un en __________________ hallich Nei Yaahr! Polish - Wesolych
Swiat Bozego Narodzenia Portuguese - Boas Festas Rapa-Nui -
Mata-Ki-Te-Rangi. Te-Pito-O-Te-Henua Rumanian - Sarbatori
fericite! Russian - Pozdrevlyayu s prazdnikom Rozhdestva is _______ Novim
Godom Serbian - Hristos se rodi Slovakian - Sretan Bozic or Vesele
vianoce Sami - Buorrit Juovllat Samoan - La Maunia Le Kilisimasi Ma Le
Tausaga Fou Scots Gaelic - Nollaig chridheil huibh Singhalese - Subha nath
thalak Vewa. Subha Aluth __________ Awrudhak Vewa Slovak - Vesele
Vianoce. A stastlivy Novy Rok Slovene - Vesele Bozicne. Screcno Novo
Leto Spanish - Feliz Navidad Swedish - God Jul and (Och) Ett Gott
Nytt Tagalog - Maligayamg Pasko. Masaganang Bagong Taon Tamil - Nathar
Puthu Varuda Valthukkal Thai - Sawadee Pee Mai Turkish - Noeliniz Ve Yeni
Yiliniz Kutlu Olsun Ukrainian - Srozhdestvom Kristovym Urdu - Naya Saal
Mubarak Ho Vietnamese - Chung Mung Giang Sinh Welsh - Nadolig Llawen
What Does Geography Have To Do With Singing? -------
During a world tour,
teen British singing sensation Charlotte Church told a sold out audience, "I
love being in AMERICA. You have all the shopping and stuff." The only
problem was that the concert was in Toronto, Canada. She was a little
confused by the icy silence that greeted the comment, but continued to
belt out 'Chestnuts Roasting On An Open Fire' anyway. It wasn't until
she made it backstage that she was told of her mistake. To her credit she
did go back on stage and say, "I'm sorry. I DO love Canada. Toronto's one of
my favorite cities. I know you think I'm lying now - but I'm not." The
Canadian audience didn't buy it.
The REAL Night Before Christmas
'Twas the night before Christmas when
all through the house I searched for the tools to hand to my
spouse Instructions were studied and we were inspired, in hopes we
could manage "Some Assembly Required."
The children were quiet (not
asleep) in their beds, while Dad and I faced the evening with dread: a
kitchen, two bikes, Barbie's townhouse to boot! And now, thanks to Grandpa, a
train with a toot! We opened the boxes, my heart skipped a beat - let
no parts be missing or parts incomplete!
Too late for last-minute
returns or replacement; if we can't get it right, it goes straight to the
basement! When what to my worrying eyes should appear but 50 sheets of
directions, concise, but not clear, With each part numbered and every slot
named, so if we failed, only we could be blamed.
More rapid than
eagles the parts then fell out, all over the carpet they were scattered
about. "Now bolt it! Now twist it! Attach it right there! Slide on the
seats, and staple the stair! Hammer the shelves, and nail to the
stand." "Honey," said hubby, "you just glued my hand."
And then in a
twinkling, I knew for a fact that all the toy dealers had indeed made a
pact to keep parents busy all Christmas Eve night with "assembly required"
till morning's first light. We spoke not a word, but kept bent at our
work, till our eyes, they went blurry; our fingers all hurt.
coffee went cold and the night, it wore thin before we attached the last rod
and last pin. Then laying the tools away in the chest, we fell into bed
for a well-deserved rest. But I said to my husband just before I passed
out, "This will be the best Christmas, without any doubt.
we'll cheer, let the holiday ring, and not run to the store for one single
thing! We did it! We did it! The toys are all set for the perfect, most
magical, Christmas, I bet!" Then off to dreamland and sweet repose I
gratefully went, though I suppose there's something to say for those
self-deluded- I'd forgotten that BATTERIES are never included!
What Not To Get Your Dog At
A CD of cats meowing
popular Christmas songs.
A chew toy with the head already gnawed off by
his canine brother who chewed his way into the gift box around the 15th of
A chew toy shaped like a shoe which he is immediately going
to confuse with the right sneaker of your favorite pair.
for his Dogloo when you're still using individual wall units that are barely
up to cooling a small close-size area in your house.
A remote control for the refrigerator door.
pink sweater that makes your macho Doberman look like a poodle.
prepackaged treat-filled Christmas stocking that's large enough for you to
use as a sleeping bag.
Doggie antlers when your nearsighted hunting
relatives will be spending the holidays with you.
A stuffed toy dog
with an angel's halo as a hint as to what he has to do to get more presents
A doggie door between you and the suspicious butcher next
An audition for a diet dog food commercial where they feed him so
much during retakes that he actually gains weight.
A piece of jewelry
featuring a ceramic dog of his breed for you to wear. His own Petsmart credit
Fruit Cake Recipe
I have a fruitcake which has been in my family for
several years. Apparently, my family saves them for the following year and
gives them as a gift to someone else. That's how the fruitcake that I gave my
mother four years ago finally made its way back into my hands. (Mom gave it
to brother, brother gave it to sister, then sister gave it to
Since the fruitcake tradition appears to be unstoppable, this year
I've decided to replace our family's fruitcake with a more durable one which
we will cherish for years.
------------- 4 Oz. Fruit Bits 1 Railroad Tie Wood
Saw Large Rubber Mallet Safety Goggles
WEAR YOUR SAFETY
GOGGLES. (Children Get help from an adult!)
Cut a one-foot section
from the middle of your railroad tie. The resulting block of wood should be
the size and shape of a loaf of bread.
Then, take some fruit bits and
pound them into the block with your rubber mallet. Spread the colors around,
or you might wind up with an ugly fruitcake. Don't be afraid to throw some
elbow grease into that mallet! Good fruit bits should be much harder than the
railroad tie, so you can't break anything.
For best result, you should
pre-treat the fruit bits by setting them on top of your garage for a year (or
by microwaving them on HIGH for 30 minutes).
Finally, cover it tightly in
plastic wrap, and give your loved ones the time-less and enduring gift of
The new patient was airing his woes to an understanding doctor: "After the
first, I'm tired, Doc. After the second, my chest aches and I start getting
pains in my legs. After the third, I feel like fainting and it takes
half-an-hour for my heart and respiration to return to normal."
don't you quit after the first?" inquired the doctor.
"How can I do that,
Doc?" said the patient. "I live on the third."
Proud and pleased as she could be, the petite young bride, Mrs. Stanford
Summers, strode briskly up to the teller's cage at the bank to cash her
husband's pay check for the first time. When the teller told her the check
would have to be endorsed, the bride grabbed the pen and unhesitatingly
wrote on the back, "I heartily recommend my husband, Mr. Stanford
The newlyweds entered the elevator of their Miami Beach hotel. The operator,
a magnificent blonde, looked at them in surprise and said, "Why, hello,
Teddy, how are you?"
A frosty silence prevailed until the couple reached
their room, when the piqued bride demanded: "Who was that
"Take it easy, honey," said the groom, "I'm going to
have trouble enough explaining you to her."
& now your at the end of the letter, I hope that you enjoyed !
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