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The News Letter, 021226-1








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By the way, on some of the pictures, if you hover your pointer over the picture, ya might find a comment from me on it,
now that I've learned how to do that.



Now its time for the show to start & I think we'll start now!!!!





Three Wise Women

Do you know what would have happened if it had been
three wise women instead of three wise men?

They would have asked directions, arrived on time,
helped deliver the baby, cleaned the stable, made a
casserole, and brought practical gifts!
-----------------------------------
That's what women would LIKE you to believe.  However,
this is what would have really happened.

They would have been late getting started (It's tough to
get your make-up so that it doesn't clash with the camel).

Then one would have to go back to change clothes because
her outfit was too similar to one of the other's.

After a quick (6 hours) stop at the mall for the gift,
they would have a huge fight about whether or not a
Barney Sleeper fell into the category of swaddling
clothes.

Half way to the oasis the camel would have broken down
(no one checked his water level).

After finally arriving at Bethlehem (They had to stop
and ask directions 12 times), they stopped at a beauty
parlor to get their hair done (They couldn't see the
baby looking like that).

When they saw the stable they turned around and went
back to a Howard Johnson's and got a room for everyone
(There was no way they were going to stay in a dump like
that).

The feminine trio finally arrived back at the stable
only to find that the new parents had left for Egypt.





"What I don't like about office Christmas parties is
looking for a job the next day."  -- Phyllis Diller

Q.  Why does Santa wear red underwear?
A.  He's a man--he did all his laundry in one load.





HOLIDAY STRESSES

1.  Lower your expectations - Stop reading magazines that
suggest you can do it all this holiday!  Read shampoo
instructions instead, they don't put so much pressure on
you.  "Lather, Rinse, Repeat."  You can do that!

2.  Get help.  You don't have to do this alone - call
your friends, call your relatives, call the people in
your fear of gingerbread men group.  Anyone who can make
your life simpler and more fun during the holidays.

3.  If crowds of shoppers cause your blood pressure to
boil, shop by catalog or shop where there are fewer
people, such as garage sales, small boutiques, and your
periodontist.  Wouldn't your Aunt Gus just love some
bubble gum flavored floss?

4.  Wear a funny button while shopping.  "I know why
Rudolph's nose is red!" "Touched by an angel, I'm not
saying where." "Give me chocolate and no one gets hurt!"

5.  Don't buy gifts for people you don't like.  Anyone
STILL RUNNING for US president, O.J. Simpson, take them
off your list now!

6.  Negotiate agreements about holiday traditions.  If
half the family wants to open gifts 12/24 and the other
12/25, agree to open them at another time, like Pet
Your Dog Day.

7.  Since you always revert to being a child during the
holidays, go ahead and sit at the children's table.
Then when you throw your food and no one will be
surprised.

8.  Admit that your family get togethers are less like
a Norman Rockwell picture and more like a Stephen King
Novel.  As long as there's not a chalk outline under the
mistletoe, consider yourself blessed.

9.  Don't watch movies with unrealistic premises, such
as It's a Wonderful Life; instead watch movies that will
cheer you up.  You might pick your favorites from the
American Film Institute's Top 100 Comedies of the
Century.  Who says Young Frankenstein isn't appropriate
holiday fare?

10.  If you don't have loved ones to be with, get
together with friends or co-workers and do fun things
like caroling or getting holiday tattoos.

11.  In order to prevent post-holiday stress, spend less
now.  Send funny cards instead of gifts.  Start a Humor
Buddy Program, where making someone laugh is your gift.
Cut down on other unnecessary expenses such as bikini waxing.

12.  Start your holiday preparations early.  Like when
you're still in kindergarten!





No one can fracture a Christmas carol better than a kid.
Sing along with these new takes on old favorites:

* Deck the Halls with Buddy Holly
* We three kings of porridge and tar
* On the first day of Christmas my tulip gave to me
* Later on we'll perspire, as we dream by the fire.
* He's makin' a list, chicken and rice.
* Noel.  Noel, Barney's the king of Israel.
* With the jelly toast proclaim
* Olive, the other reindeer.
* Frosty the Snowman is a ferret elf, I say
* Sleep in heavenly peas
* In the meadow we can build a snowman, Then pretend
  that he is sparse and brown
* You'll go down in listerine
* Oh, what fun it is to ride with one horse, soap and
  hay
* Come, froggy faithful
* You'll tell Carol, "Be a skunk, I require"
* Good tidings we bring to you and your kid





This holiday season, those who can put food on the table
must remember those who need it the most -- those
unemployed workers from devalued dot-coms.

While you sit in a warm office, many dot-comers are going
without free food, caffeine or high-speed Internet access.

For only $3.00 a day -- the price of a cup of coffee
(at Starbucks) you can join Feed The Dot Comers
Foundation, and support a hungry former worker at a dot
com company with no realistic job prospects.

Don't think you can make a difference?  Just look at
what your money can do:

Your money will be put to task, buying a project
coordinator's worthless stock, allowing her to pay off
some credit cards run up during the boom.

Your money will go to purchase a Foosball table for an
unemployed HTML coder, so he can continue his rigorous
daily exercise.

Your money can provide some unfortunate web designer
with a cable modem so he can spend the day downloading
MP3s off Napster at home as he had done in the office.

You'll be filled with holiday cheer when your money
continues some unfortunate team coordinator's
subscription to Fast Company, allowing them to dream
about the old times - and think about working for
company that's a tad slower.

You could even provide a business development manager
with a fake cell phone and headphones, so he can pretend
to make bad business deals and build unworkable
strategic alliances in the comfort of his own home.

And you'll feel all tingly inside when your money helps
that recently fired 24 year-old Vice President go back
to school and learn some real business skills.

Dont be selfish.  Remember those who need a helping hand
today.  With your help, these unfortunate souls can
egain the pride and dignity they once had.

Happy Holidays,
Feed the Dot Comers Foundaton

Swiped from DANGFUNNY POLITICS
join-dangfunny@lyris.dundee.net





A mother was pleased with the card her son had made her
for Christmas, but was puzzled as to the scraggly-
looking tree from which many presents dangled, and at
the very top, something that looked strangely like a
bullet.

She asked him if he would explain the drawing and why
the tree itself was so bare, instead of a fat pine tree.

"It's not a Christmas tree." he said.  "It's a cartridge
in a pear tree."


NOw this feeling I understand



Give your child mental blocks for Christmas!

"Christmas is a time when kids tell Santa what they want
and adults pay for it.  Deficits are when adults tell
the government what they want and their kids pay for
it."    -- Richard Lamm


I really don't know
The problem has never come up.



'Twas the night before Christmas and all round my hips
 Were Fannie May candies that sneaked past my lips.
 Fudge brownies were stored in the freezer with care
 In hopes that my thighs would forget they were there.

 While Mama in her my girdle and I in chin straps
 Had just settled down to sugar-borne naps.
 When out in the pantry there arose such a clatter
 I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter.

 Away to the kitchen I flew like a flash
 Tore open the icebox then threw up the sash.
 The marshmallow look of the new-fallen snow
 Sent thoughts of a binge to my body below.

 When what to my wandering eyes should appear:
 A marzipan Santa with eight chocolate reindeer!
 That huge chunk of candy so luscious and slick
 I knew in a second that I'd wind up sick.

 The sweet-coated Santa, those sugared reindeer
 I closed my eyes tightly but still I could hear;
 On Pritzker, on Stillman, on weak one, on TOPS
 A Weight Watcher dropout from sugar detox.

 From the top of the scales to the top of the hall
 Now dash away pounds now dash away all.
 Dressed up in Lane Bryant from my head to nightdress
 My clothes were all bulging from too much excess.

 My droll little mouth and my round little belly
 They shook when I laughed like a bowl full of jelly.
 I spoke not a word but went straight to my work
 Ate all of the candy then turned with a jerk.

 And laying a finger beside my heartburn
 I gave a quick nod toward the bedroom I turned.
 I eased into bed, to the heavens I cry
 If temptation's removed I'll get thin by and by.

 And I mumbled again as I turned for the night
 In the morning I'll starve.....
 'til I take that first bite!





A 4-year-old boy who was asked to return thanks before
Christmas dinner.  The family members bowed their heads
in expectation.  He began his prayer, thanking God for
all his friends, naming them one by one.  Then he
thanked God for Mommy, Daddy, brother, sister, Grandma,
Grandpa, and all his aunts and uncles.

Then he began to thank God for the food.  He gave thanks
for the turkey, the dressing, the fruit salad, the
cranberry sauce, the pies, and the cakes, even the Cool
Whip.

Then he paused, and everyone waited--and waited.  After
a long silence, the young fellow looked up at his mother
and asked,  "If I thank God for the broccoli, won't he
know that I'm lying?"





A very religious couple was touring the Holy Land during
the Christmas season and decided it would be very
meaningful to them to spend Christmas Eve in Bethlehem,
the birth place of Jesus.

Arriving there, they searched high and low for a room,
but none was available at any price.  Finally, they
pulled up in front of the Sheraton-Bethlehem and the
husband got out of the car, telling his wife: "Stay
here, sweetie.  Let me see if I can do something for
us."

He approached the desk and the clerk told him there
were no rooms.  "Sorry, sir.  It's Christmas Eve, our
busiest time."

No matter how much the man offered to pay, the clerk
said he had nothing.  Finally, the man told the clerk,
"I bet if I told you my name was Joseph, that the woman
waiting in the car was called Mary, and that she had a
newborn infant, you'd find us a room."

"Well," stammered the clerk, "I-- I suppose so."

"Okay," said the man.  "I guarantee you, they are not
coming tonight -- so I'll take their room."





BEST USES FOR FRUITCAKE

1.  Bury them in the back yard for future archaeologists
to discover.

2.  Give them to your son for a science project

3.  Hang on to it to find out if there REALLY is more
than one Fruitcake that's making it's rounds every
year!!

4.  Use it to hold up a broken table or chair leg.

5.  Mash them down and use for mortar when building a
log cabin

6.  Use as exercise stepping block for step aerobics.

7.  Makes a wonderful dessert for Road Kill Cafe fare.

8.  Use them to pave the freeways with.  Just place them
on the road and run a steamroller over them.

9.  Use them as fillers to repair the river levees with!
They  last indefinitely and are so dense, water can
never penetrate them.

10. Last and probably least - try eating it!  One way to get rid of it!


Hey Owen, This is the one
that I was telling you about.



Gift Wrapping Hints for Ferret Owners
~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~

1.  Clear large space on table for wrapping present.

2.  Go to closet and collect bag in which present is
contained, and shut door.

3.  Open door and remove ferret from closet.

4.  Go to cupboard and retrieve rolls of wrapping paper.

5.  Go back and remove ferret from cupboard.

6.  Go to drawer, and collect transparent sticky tape,
ribbons, scissors, labels, etc...

7.  Lay out presents and wrapping materials on table, to
enable wrapping strategy to be formed.

8.  Go back to drawer to get string, remove ferret that
has been in the drawer since last visit and collect string.

9.  Remove present from bag.

10.  Remove ferret from bag.

11.  Open box to check present, remove ferret from box,
replace present.

12.  Lay out paper to enable cutting to size.

13.  Try and smooth out paper, realize ferret is
underneath and remove ferret.

14.  Cut the paper to size, keeping the cutting line straight.

15.  Throw away first sheet as ferret chased the
scissors, and tore the paper.

16.  Cut second sheet of paper to size - by putting
ferret in the bag the present came in.

17.  Place present on paper.

18.  Lift up edges of paper to seal in present.  Wonder
why edges don't reach.  Realize ferret is between
present and paper.  Remove ferret.

19.  Place object on paper, to hold in place while
tearing transparent sticky tape.

20.  Spend 20 minutes carefully trying to remove
transparent sticky tape from ferret with pair of nail
scissors.

21.  Seal paper with sticky tape, making corners as
neat as possible.

22.  Look for roll of ribbon.  Chase ferret down hall
in order to retrieve ribbon.

23.  Try to wrap present with ribbon in a two-directional
turn.

24.  Re-roll ribbon and remove paper, which is now torn
due to ferret's enthusiastic ribbon chase.

25.  Repeat steps 13-20 until you reach last sheet of paper.

26.  Decide to skip steps 13-17 in order to save time
and reduce risk of losing last sheet of paper.  Retrieve
old cardboard box that is the right size for sheet of
paper.

27.  Put present in box, and tie down with string.

28.  Remove sting, open box and remove ferret.

29.  Put all packing materials in bag with present and
head for locked room.

30.  Once inside lockable room, lock door and start to
relay out paper and materials.

31.  Remove ferret from box, unlock door, put ferret
outside door, close and relock.

32.  Repeat previous step as often as is necessary
(until you can hear ferret from outside door)

33.  Lay out last sheet of paper.  (This will be
difficult in the small area of the toilet, but do your
best)

34.  Discover ferret has already torn paper.  Unlock
door go out and hunt through various cupboards, looking
for sheet of last year's paper.  Remember that you
haven't got any left because ferret helped with this
last year as well.

35.  Return to lockable room, lock door, and sit on
toilet and try to make torn sheet of paper look presentable.

36.  Seal box, wrap with paper and repair by very
carefully sealing with sticky tape.  Tie up with ribbon
and decorate with bows to hide worst areas.

37.  Label.  Sit back and admire your handiwork,
congratulate yourself on completing a difficult job.

38.  Unlock door, and go to kitchen to make drink and
feed ferret.

39.  Spend 15 minutes looking for ferret until coming to
obvious conclusion.

40.  Unwrap present, untie box and remove ferret.

41.  Go to store and buy a gift bag.


HUMMM, I didn't know that
you had to have a reason.


Merry Christmas in 70 Languages ___________

Afrikander - Een Plesierige Kerfees
Arabic - I'D MIILAD SAID OUA SANA SAIDA
Argentine - Felices Pasquas Y felices ano Nuevo
Armenian - Shenoraavor Nor Dari yev Pari Gaghand
Azeri - Tezze Iliniz Yahsi Olsun
Basque - Zorionak eta Urte Berri On!
Bohemian - Vesele Vanoce
Brazilian - Boas Festas e Feliz Ano Novo
Breton - Nedeleg laouen na bloavezh mat
Bulgarian - Tchestita Koleda; Tchestito Rojdestvo Hristovo
Chinese (Mandarin) - Kung His Hsin Nien bing Chu Shen Tan
Chinese (Catonese) - Gun Tso Sun Tan'Gung Haw Sun
Cornish - Nadelik looan na looan blethen noweth
Cree - Mitho Makosi Kesikansi
Croatian - Sretan Bozic
Czech - Prejeme Vam Vesele Vanoce a stastny Novy Rok
Danish - Gledelig Jul
Dutch - Vrolijk Kerstfeest en een Gelukkig Nieuwjaar!
English - Merry Christmas
Esperanto - Gajan Kristnaskon
Estonian - Ruumsaid juulup|hi
Farsi - Cristmas-e-shoma mobarak bashad
Finnish - Hyvaa joulua
French - Joyeux Noel
Frisian - Noflike Krystdagen en in protte Lok en Seine yn it
_______ Nije Jier!
German - Froehliche Weihnachten
Greek - Kala Christouyenna!
Hawaiian - Mele Kalikimaka
Hebrew - Mo'adim Lesimkha. Chena tova
Hindi - Shub Naya Baras
Hungarian - Kellemes Karacsonyi unnepeket
Icelandic - Gledileg Jol
Indonesian - Selamat Hari Natal
Iraqi - Idah Saidan Wa Sanah Jadidah
Irish - Nollaig Shona Dhuit
Italian - Buone Feste Natalizie
Japanese - Shinnen omedeto. Kurisumasu omedeto
Korean - Sung Tan Chuk Ha
Latvian - Prieci'gus Ziemsve'tkus un Laimi'gu Jauno Gadu!
Lithuanian - Linksmu Kaledu
Manx - Nollick ghennal as blein vie noa
Maori - Meri Kirihimete
Marathi - Shub Naya Varsh
Navajo - Merry Keshmish
Norwegian - God Jul
Pennsylvania German - En frehlicher Grischtdaag un en
__________________ hallich Nei Yaahr!
Polish - Wesolych Swiat Bozego Narodzenia
Portuguese - Boas Festas
Rapa-Nui - Mata-Ki-Te-Rangi. Te-Pito-O-Te-Henua
Rumanian - Sarbatori fericite!
Russian - Pozdrevlyayu s prazdnikom Rozhdestva is
_______ Novim Godom
Serbian - Hristos se rodi
Slovakian - Sretan Bozic or Vesele vianoce
Sami - Buorrit Juovllat
Samoan - La Maunia Le Kilisimasi Ma Le Tausaga Fou Scots
Gaelic - Nollaig chridheil huibh
Singhalese - Subha nath thalak Vewa. Subha Aluth
__________ Awrudhak Vewa
Slovak - Vesele Vianoce. A stastlivy Novy Rok
Slovene - Vesele Bozicne. Screcno Novo Leto
Spanish - Feliz Navidad
Swedish - God Jul and (Och) Ett Gott Nytt
Tagalog - Maligayamg Pasko. Masaganang Bagong Taon
Tamil - Nathar Puthu Varuda Valthukkal
Thai - Sawadee Pee Mai
Turkish - Noeliniz Ve Yeni Yiliniz Kutlu Olsun
Ukrainian - Srozhdestvom Kristovym
Urdu - Naya Saal Mubarak Ho
Vietnamese - Chung Mung Giang Sinh
Welsh - Nadolig Llawen





What Does Geography Have To Do With Singing? -------

During a world tour, teen British singing sensation Charlotte
Church told a sold out audience, "I love being in AMERICA. You
have all the shopping and stuff." The only problem was that
the concert was in Toronto, Canada. She was a little confused
by the icy silence that greeted the comment, but continued to
belt out 'Chestnuts Roasting On An Open Fire' anyway. It wasn't
until she made it backstage that she was told of her mistake.
To her credit she did go back on stage and say, "I'm sorry. I
DO love Canada. Toronto's one of my favorite cities. I know
you think I'm lying now - but I'm not." The Canadian audience didn't buy it.





The REAL Night Before Christmas

'Twas the night before Christmas
when all through the house
I searched for the tools
to hand to my spouse
Instructions were studied
and we were inspired,
in hopes we could manage
"Some Assembly Required."

The children were quiet (not asleep) in their beds,
while Dad and I faced the evening with dread:
a kitchen, two bikes, Barbie's townhouse to boot!
And now, thanks to Grandpa, a train with a toot!
We opened the boxes,
my heart skipped a beat -
let no parts be missing
or parts incomplete!

Too late for last-minute returns or replacement;
if we can't get it right, it goes straight to the basement!
When what to my worrying eyes should appear
but 50 sheets of directions, concise, but not clear,
With each part numbered and every slot named,
so if we failed, only we could be blamed.

More rapid than eagles the parts then fell out,
all over the carpet they were scattered about.
"Now bolt it! Now twist it! Attach it right there!
Slide on the seats, and staple the stair!
Hammer the shelves, and nail to the stand."
"Honey," said hubby, "you just glued my hand."

And then in a twinkling, I knew for a fact
that all the toy dealers had indeed made a pact
to keep parents busy all Christmas Eve night
with "assembly required" till morning's first light.
We spoke not a word, but kept bent at our work,
till our eyes, they went blurry; our fingers all hurt.

The coffee went cold and the night, it wore thin
before we attached the last rod and last pin.
Then laying the tools away in the chest,
we fell into bed for a well-deserved rest.
But I said to my husband just before I passed out,
"This will be the best Christmas, without any doubt.

Tomorrow we'll cheer, let the holiday ring,
and not run to the store for one single thing!
We did it! We did it! The toys are all set
for the perfect, most magical, Christmas, I bet!"
Then off to dreamland and sweet repose
I gratefully went, though I suppose
there's something to say for those self-deluded-
I'd forgotten that BATTERIES are never included!





What Not To Get Your Dog At Christmas
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

A CD of cats meowing popular Christmas songs.

A chew toy with the head already gnawed off by his canine brother who chewed
his way into the gift box around the 15th of the month.

A chew toy shaped like a shoe which he is immediately going to  confuse with
the right sneaker of your favorite pair.

Central A/C for his Dogloo when you're still using individual wall units
that are barely up to cooling a small close-size area in your house.

Anything Garfield.

A remote control for the refrigerator door.

A knitted pink sweater that makes your macho Doberman look like a poodle.

A deluxe prepackaged treat-filled Christmas stocking that's large enough for
you to use as a sleeping bag.

Doggie antlers when your nearsighted hunting relatives will be spending the
holidays with you.

A stuffed toy dog with an angel's halo as a hint as to what he has to do to
get more presents next year.

A doggie door between you and the suspicious butcher next door.

An audition for a diet dog food commercial where they feed him so much
during retakes that he actually gains weight.

A piece of jewelry featuring a ceramic dog of his breed for you to wear.
His own Petsmart credit card.

A cat.





Fruit Cake Recipe

I have a fruitcake which has been in my family for several years.
Apparently, my family saves them for the following year and gives them as a
gift to someone else. That's how the fruitcake that I gave my mother four
years ago finally made its way back into my hands. (Mom gave it to brother,
brother gave it to sister, then sister gave it to me).

Since the fruitcake tradition appears to be unstoppable, this year I've
decided to replace our family's fruitcake with a more durable one which we
will cherish for years.

    Items Needed
    -------------
    4 Oz. Fruit Bits
    1 Railroad Tie
    Wood Saw
    Large Rubber Mallet
    Safety Goggles

WEAR YOUR SAFETY GOGGLES.
(Children Get help from an adult!)

Cut a one-foot section from the middle of your railroad tie. The resulting
block of wood should be the size and shape of a loaf of bread.

Then, take some fruit bits and pound them into the block with your rubber
mallet. Spread the colors around, or you might wind up with an ugly
fruitcake. Don't be afraid to throw some elbow grease into that mallet! Good
fruit bits should be much harder than the railroad tie, so you can't break
anything.

For best result, you should pre-treat the fruit bits by setting them on top
of your garage for a year (or by microwaving them on HIGH for 30 minutes).

Finally, cover it tightly in plastic wrap, and give your loved ones the
time-less and enduring gift of fruitcake!





The new patient was airing his woes to an understanding
doctor: "After the first, I'm tired, Doc. After the
second, my chest aches and I start getting pains in my legs.
After the third, I feel like fainting and it takes half-an-hour
for my heart and respiration to return to normal."

"Why don't you quit after the first?" inquired the doctor.

"How can I do that, Doc?" said the patient. "I live on the third."





Proud and pleased as she could be, the petite young bride,
Mrs. Stanford Summers, strode briskly up to the teller's
cage at the bank to cash her husband's pay check for the
first time. When the teller told her the check would
have to be endorsed, the bride grabbed the pen and
unhesitatingly wrote on the back, "I heartily recommend my husband, Mr. Stanford Summers."





The newlyweds entered the elevator of their Miami Beach
hotel. The operator, a magnificent blonde, looked at them
in surprise and said, "Why, hello, Teddy, how are you?"

A frosty silence prevailed until the couple reached their
room, when the piqued bride demanded: "Who was that woman?!"

"Take it easy, honey," said the groom, "I'm going to have trouble enough explaining you to her."


& now your at the end of the letter, I hope that you enjoyed !

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The times on this one are 209 seconds for 28K modem,
124 seconds for 56k modem & 57 seconds for cable/dsl

thanks, David 1