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The News Letter, 021218

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By the way, on some of the pictures, if you hover your pointer over the picture, ya might find a comment from me on it,
now that I've learned how to do that.

Now its time for the show to start & I think we'll start now!!!!

More than anything, Bob wanted to be a cowpoke. Taking
pity on him, a rancher decided to hire the lad and give
him a chance.

"This," he said, showing him a rope, "is a lariat. We use
it to catch cows."

"I see," said Bob, trying to seem knowledgeable as he
examined the lariat. "And what do you use for bait?"

Two Yuppettes were shopping. When they started to discuss their home
lives, one said, "Seems like all Alfred and I do anymore is fight. I've
been so upset, I've lost 20 pounds."

"Why don't you just leave him then?" asked her friend.

"Oh! Not yet." the first replied, "I'd like to lose at least another
fifteen pounds first."

Warning   Chips

On the "CycleAware" helmet-mounted mirror:
"Remember: Objects in the mirror are actually behind you."

On a large folding cardboard sunshade for car windscreens:
"Do not attempt to operate vehicle with sunshade in place."

On a car lock which loops around both the clutch pedal and the steering
wheel: "Warning - Remove lock before driving."

In the instructions for a Korean kitchen knife:
"Keep out of children."

On a packet of juggling balls:
"This product contains small granules under 3 millimeters.  Not suitable
for children under the age of 14 years in Europe or 8 years in the USA."


These kind of managers you will always see in the corridor, ten steps
away. "We'll have to talk" you can hear them say, just as they have
disappeared around the corner.

These managers you usually meet with their backside faced to you with
their hands in their pockets. When you talk to them, their thoughts keep
staring out of the windows.

 Some managers forget everything. They want to impress you with their
'busy'ness by continuously writing on Post-it's while you are talking.

 These managers just delegate everything to the secretary. If He is
good, He knows what she must do.

These managers don't really know anything at all. They let YOU give
answers. Meanwhile they fill the time with nice anecdotes of irrelevant

 These people try to explain the present from a theoretical view of the
far future. The idea that this never will work, completely satisfies
them: They will always have something to talk about.

Information hiders are aware of the market value of strictly secret kept
information. You must be very thankful to get any information at all.
Beware of simulants from category 5!

These managers prevent their bosses from creative thinking. Else they
got more work to do.

In hierarchical organizations you can watch those groups walking in the
corridor. The more equal managers are directly followed by the lesser
equal managers, and so on.

If you drink beer with them, lunch with them, smile to them and also
wear nice suits, nothing can stop your career anymore.

Despite their continual attendances of all kind of studies and
congresses, they still belong to category 5. The longer they learn, the
further they get from the practice.

Do you know them? Those sheets with some big arrows,boxes or circles?
These sheets provide the ultimate proof of their overall brilliance.

This is a major improvement of the older 'OPEN DOOR' management style.
Now you can really walk in and out anytime you want. Nobody ever knows
where these managers are.

This kind of managing is very popular. It will give them within a few
hours the same information as an employee can tell them in 15 minutes.

In an organization with a hopeless infrastructure, managers are really
necessary. These managers will naturally prevent the organization from
having a better infrastructure.

This management style is ATRASACWOC.
( Adopted To Reach A Shorter And Clearer Way Of Communication )

These managers like to bluff your head off with hip, nearly undefined,

If they think there is nothing more to organize, they reorganize.

These managers must be spiritual educated, because they have no clues at

If you remind them to one of their promises, the priority of that
promise is to low to remember.

While I was preaching in a church in Mississippi, the pastor announced
that their prison quartet would be singing the following evening. I
wasn't aware there was a prison in the vicinity and I looked forward to
hearing them. The next evening, I was puzzled when four members of the
church approached the stage. Then the pastor introduced them. "This is
our prison quartet," he said, "behind a few bars and always looking for
the key."

-Contributed to Readers' Digest "All In a Day's Work"

As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up.
She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door.
The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and
you are losing some of your load." The trucker ignores her and proceeds
down the street.

When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again.
She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the
trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says
brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the

When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next
light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and
runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it,
he says...

"Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in Michigan and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!

If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all
but one of them, what do you call it?
LOVE - When you're only interested in doing things with your partner.
LUST - When you're only interested in doing things TO your partner.
MARRIAGE - When you're only interested in your golf score.
What's a Jewish wife's idea of a perfect house?
6,000 sq. ft., no kitchen, no bedroom.
from:  Bob

The most comprehensive humor archive.
100's of Jokes, 1000's of JPG's/GIF's, 
Sound clips, Video Clips and PARODY SONGS


1. Causes you to send same e-mail twice.
2. Causes you to send blank e-mail.
3. Causes you to send to wrong person.
4. Causes you to send back to person who sent it to you. 17. Causes you
   to mis-number paragraphs
5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment.
6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished the

from:  Bob

The most comprehensive humor archive.
100's of Jokes, 1000's of JPG's/GIF's, 
Sound clips, Video Clips and PARODY SONGS


Don't worry about avoiding temptation.
As you grow older, it will avoid you.
What is dumber than two brunettes trying to build a house at the
bottom of the ocean?
Two blondes trying to burn it down!
Could someone ever get addicted to counseling?
If so, how could you treat them?

from:  Bob

The most comprehensive humor archive.
100's of Jokes, 1000's of JPG's/GIF's, 
Sound clips, Video Clips and PARODY SONGS


In my hand I hold a ball
White and dimpled, rather small
Oh, how bland it does appear,
This harmless looking little sphere.
By his size I could not guess
The awesome strength it does possess;
My life has not been quite the same
Since I chose to play this stupid game.
It rules my mind for hours on end.
A fortune it has made me spend.
It has made me curse and cry
I hate myself and want to die
I am promised a thing called ‘par’
If I can hit it straight and far.
To master such a tiny ball
Should not be very hard at all.
But my desires the ball refuses
And does exactly as it chooses
It hooks and slices, dribbles, dies
and disappears before my eyes.
Often it will have a whim
To hit a tree or take a swim.
With miles of grass on which to land
It finds a tiny patch of sand.
Then has me offering up my soul
If it will just drop in the hole.
Its made me whimper like a pup,
and swear that I will give it up
And take to drink to ease my sorrow.
But The Ball knows...I’ll be back tomorrow.

from:  Bob

The most comprehensive humor archive.
100's of Jokes, 1000's of JPG's/GIF's, 
Sound clips, Video Clips and PARODY SONGS


Bah! Christmas Again!

"Have A Merry Christmas",
is what we all do say,
But what we really mean is,
"Please Will You Go Away !!",

Christmas is depressing,
Well, it certainly is for me,
That dozy looking fairy,
Up the awful Christmas tree.

Lots of glittering tinsel,
And all those coloured balls,
Decorations pinned to the ceiling,
And cards pinned to the walls.

Down the shops this time of year,
It's one big Christmas dash,
Chasing that elusive gift,
And spending all your cash.

Stupid songs that are played,
On the radio station,
Supposed to bring us festive joy,
Throughout our great nation.

The cards that we all send,
To everyone that we know,
Who we hardly ever see now,
As it's just too far to go.

The get-togethers held,
With all the family,
This being the only time,
With them, we get to see.

Carol singers roam the streets,
Going from door to door,
Give them a few coins to go away,
But they'll be back for more.

The presents that we get from others
I know they do mean well,
But i'm sick of all the useless crap,
That junk shops find hard to sell.

Christmas is just not the same,
As was intended for it to be,
The message has got lost somewhere,
It's too commercialised for me.

The only thing i enjoy at Christmas,
Is the food that's on my plate,
Small wonder i have lots of it,
And soon gain lots of weight.

Scrooge had the right idea,
"Bah! Humbug!" he did say.

- - - - -
Mr Funny Bone International's Xmas Webpages

Black November

When I was a young turkey, new to the coop,
My big brother Mike took me out on the stoop,
Then he sat me down, and he spoke real slow,
And he told me there was something that I had to know;
His look and his tone I will always remember,
When he told me of the horrors of Black November;
"Come about August, now listen to me,
Each day you'll get six meals instead of just three,
"And soon you'll be thick, where once you were thin,
And you'll grow a big rubbery thing under your chin;
"And then one morning, when you're warm in your bed,
In'll burst the farmer's wife, and hack off your head;
"Then she'll pluck out all your feathers so you're bald 'n pink,
And scoop out all your insides and leave ya lyin' in the sink;
"And then comes the worst part" he said not bluffing,
"She'll spread your cheeks and pack your rear with stuffing".
Well, the rest of his words were too grim to repeat,
I sat on the stoop like a winged piece of meat,
And decided on the spot that to avoid being cooked,
I'd have to lay low and remain overlooked;
I began a new diet of nuts and granola,
High-roughage salads, juice and diet cola;
And as they ate pastries, chocolates and crepes,
I stayed in my room doing Jane Fonda tapes;
I maintained my weight of two pounds and a half,
And tried not to notice when the bigger birds laughed;
But 'twas I who was laughing, under my breath,
As they chomped and they chewed, ever closer to death;
And sure enough when Black November rolled around,
I was the last turkey left in the entire compound;
So now I'm a pet in the farmer's wife's lap;
I haven't a worry, so I eat and I nap;
She held me today, while sewing and humming,
And smiled at me and said "Christmas is coming..."

Reindeer Games

     From Santa,

Hi, kids! Hope you all had a good weekend. I know we
did up here at the North Pole, because the first
weekend in December is traditionally time when we
hold the Reindeer Games.

Which, not entirely coincidentally, brings us to
today's letter from Peter, from Chicago, who asks:

Dear Santa:

One of the saddest stories at Christmas is how Rudolph,
the red-nosed reindeer, wasn't allowed to join in all
the reindeer games. Rudolph became a hero, but we never
actually found out what sort of games are reindeer games.
What kinds of games are they?"

Well, Peter, there are reindeer games, and then there are
The Reindeer Games. It's the difference between playing
softball in the park with your buddies, and participating
in the Olympics. Anyone can play reindeer games any time
they want (even if you're not really a reindeer). But it
takes a special sort of deer to have the drive to be in
the Reindeer Games.

Again like the Olympics, there are a number of categories
in the Reindeer Games, but here are some of the most popular:

LONG JUMP: Since our reindeer can actually fly, you can
imagine the distances we get on this one.

100 COUNTRY DASH: Each year, our computers randomly generate
a list of 100 countries, and the reindeer see who can get to
all of them first.
This year's list of countries included Micronesia, Gabon,
Luxembourg and Fort McMurdo in Antarctica (not technically
a country, but thrown in for the challenge). I personally
like this event, because the reindeer often come back with
souvenirs for Santa!

SLEIGH PULLS: This one, of course, makes good sense, since
that's what the reindeer are actually going to be doing,
come Christmas Eve. This is a team event, with 2-deer,
4-deer, and the standard 8-deer setup.

SWIMSUIT COMPETITION: Ha! Santa's just pulling your leg
with this one. However, we DO have:

TALENT SHOW: Believe me, you haven't lived until you see
an all-reindeer version of "King Lear." It just chokes me
up every time.

CHIMNEY SLALOM: One of the biggest problems we have on
Christmas is zipping between all those brick chimneys out
there. Each year, we set up a new, randomised course, and
the deer flit through it. It's breathtaking. We also ruin
a lot of perfectly good chimneys.

FIGURE SKATING: Reindeer. Ice Skates. You wouldn't think
that it'd work. But it does!

with reindeer and elves. The elf gets in a single-deer
sleigh filled with toys, and the idea is to see how many
toys they can hurl down a chimney from the highest
possible altitude. This takes delicate co-ordination
between the  elf and the deer: the elf's got have dead-on
aim, and the deer has to keep the sleigh high and steady.
The highest compliment that you can get in this game is
when you get a toy straight down the chimney without
hitting the brick: "Nothing But Log."

SANTA "COMPLIMENTING": The idea here is to make fun of
Santa while making it sound like you're actually
complimenting him. I don't know how this one got started.

KARAOKE: The only problem here is that the only thing the
reindeer want to sing is ABBA.

Well, that's it for today. Remember to keep those letters
and questions coming - I'll be answering a new question
every day! My mail address is SantaClaus@northpole.com

Hope to hear from you soon!

- - - - -
Mr Funny Bone International's Xmas Webpages

Santa's Retired

Twas the night before Christmas and one thing was clear--
 that old Yuletide spirit no longer was here
 inflation was rising; the crime rate was tripling;
 the fuel bills were up, and our mortgage was crippling;

 I opened a beer as I watched TV,
 where Donny sang "O Holy Night" to Marie;
 the kids were in bed, getting sleep like they should;
 or else they were stoned, which was almost as good.

 While Ma with her ball-point was making a fuss
 'bout folks we'd send cards to who'd sent none to us;
 "Those ingrates," she thundered, and pounded her fist;
 "Next year you can bet they'll be crossed off our list!"

 When out in the yard came a deafening blare;
 'twas our burglar alarm, and I hollered, "Who's there?"
 I turned on the searchlight, which lit up the night,
 and, armed with my handgun, beheld a strange sight.

 Some red-suited clown with a white beard immense
 was caught in our eight foot electrified fence;
 he called out, "I'm Santa! I bring you no malice!"
 Said I, "if you're Santa, I'm Telly Savalas!"

 But, lo, as his presence grew clear to me,
 I saw in the glare that it just might be he!
 called off our doberman clawing his sleigh
 and, frisking him twice, said, "I think he's ok."

 I led him inside where he slumped in a chair,
 and he poured out the following tale of despair;
 "On Christmas eves past I was jolly and chuckling,
 but now 'neath the pressures, I fear I am buckling."

 "You'll note I've arrived with no reindeer this year,
 and without them, my sleigh is much harder to steer;
 although I would like to continue to use them,
 the wildlife officials believe I abuse them."

 "To add to my problem, Ralph Nader dropped by
 and told me my sleigh was unsafe in the sky;
 I now must wear seatbelts, despite my objections,
 and bring in the sleigh twice a year for inspections."

 "Last April my workers came forth with demands,
 and I soon had a general strike on my hands;
 I couldn't afford to pay unionised elves,
 so the misses and I did the work ourselves."

 "And then, later on, came additional trouble--
 an avalanche left my fine workshop in rubble;
 my Allstate insurance was worthless, because
 they had shrewdly slipped in a 'no avalanche' clause."

 "And after that came an I.R.S audit;
 the government claimed I was out to defraud it;
 they finally nailed me for 65 grand,
 which I paid through the sale of my house and my land."

 "And yet I persist, though it gives me a scare
 flying blind through the blanket of smog in the air;
 not to mention the hunters who fill me with dread,
 taking shots at my sleigh as I pass overhead."

 "My torn-up red suit, and these bruises and swellings,
 I got fighting muggers in multiple dwellings.
 And if you should ask why I'm glowing tonight,
 it's from flying too close to a nuclear site."

 He rose from his chair and he heaved a great sigh,
 and I couldn't help notice a tear in his eye;
 "I've tried," he declared, "to reverse each defeat,
 but I fear that today I've become obsolete."

 He slumped out the door and returned to his sleigh,
 and these last words he spoke as he went on his way;
 "no longer can I do the job that's required;
 if anyone asks, just say, 'Santa's retired!'".

- - - - -
Mr Funny Bone International's Xmas Webpages

We had a little mishap @ Carol's
Candle Party (lol)

In The News

Two women were detained on an Amtrak train in New Mexico
last week when federal agents grew suspicious that the Pooh
bear the pair were carrying was a whopping 85 pounds instead
of just a few pounds for a stuffed bear.

Hidden inside the bear and a gift wrapped box was $68,000 in

They were both trying to carry the bear as they got off the train
and then dropped it. When they had trouble picking it back up
a federal agent traveling on the same train and getting off behind
the couple knew something was amiss.

As the two women struggled with their bear the agent quietly
radioed  for help.

Another agent that was waiting nearby came over and asked
the couple if they needed help. Not wanting to attract anymore
attention they declined and then started arguing.

The ladies were then detained and questioned. Agents allege the
found money inside Pooh was for drugs but could not prove it
so the couple was released minus the bear and the $68,000 in
currency and cash.

A supermarket price war in Ohio has seen the price of gas dip
to 14 cents a gallon.

Supermarket giant Kroger has just opened a new store near
one of competitor Meijer's stores. So Meijer had a "gas sale."

The manager of the Meijer station says, " More than 1,000
people bought the cheap gas from her."

"You have to take advantage of it while you can."

"Gas may never be this cheap again."

& now your at the end of the letter, I hope that you enjoyed !


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