By the way, on some of the pictures, if you hover your pointer over the picture, ya might find a comment from me on it, now that I've learned how to do that.
Now its time for the show to start & I think we'll start now!!!!
It was character that got us out of bed, commitment that moved us into
action, and discipline that enabled us to follow through. --Zig Zigler
The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the
taxidermist leaves the skin. --Mark Twain
Mourn not the dead that in the cool earth lie, but rather mourn the apathetic
throng, the coward and the meek who see the world's great anguish and its
wrong, and dare not speak. -- Ralph Chaplin
"I wasn't being entertained for over twenty minutes yesterday and I started
to suffer withdrawal. I didn't have a TV, no book to read, no music playing,
no video games, nothing. I got scared and wondered, 'Would I ever be
entertained again?' I was just about to feel an emotion - yes, an emotion
in- spired by real life, and in the nick of time I made it to a cereal
box and read the ingredients. Thank you, God!" -Bob Odenkirk
John was tasked with bringing the Christmas decorations up from the basement
and start decorating the house and tree. During one trek up the stairs,
heavily laden with boxes, he slipped and luckily only fell about two steps
before landing square on his behind.
His wife heard the noise and
yelled, "What was that thump?"
"I just fell down the stairs," he
She rushed into the room, "Anything broken?!"
There was just a slight pause before his loving wife said,
"No, I meant my decorations? Are any of them broken?"
WINNIPEG, Manitoba - People lose things all the time. Car keys, remote
controls - these kind of items get misplaced on a regular basis. But a
two-inch-wide surgical retractor? Well, after performing surgery on a woman
at Regina General Hospital, doctors failed to realize that they were missing
theirs. The item turned up eventually when the patient had a hard time
getting through an airport metal detector. Hav- ing suffered persistent
stomach aches four months after the abdominal surgery, an x-ray revealed
that surgeons had left the long metal object inside the woman's abdominal
cavity. The woman then had immediate surgery to remove the object and
all instruments were accounted for.
To: All Employees From: Management Subject: Office conduct during the
Effective immediately, employees should keep in
mind the following guidelines in compliance with FROLIC (the Federal
Revelry Office and Leisure Industry Council).
1. Running aluminum foil
through the paper shredder to make tinsel is discouraged.
Playing Jingle Bells on the push-button phone is forbidden. (It runs up
an incredible long distance bill.)
3. Egg nog will NOT be dispensed in
4. Company cars are not to be used to go over the
river and through the woods to Grandma's house.
5. All fruitcake is to be
eaten BEFORE July 25.
6. Work requests are not to be filed under "Bah
In spite of all this, the staff is encouraged to have a Happy
MERRY CHRISTMAS - FLORIDA STYLE
T'was the night before Christmas and all
through the town, no noses were frozen, no snow fluttered down, no
children in flannels were tucked into bed, they all wore shorty pajamas
To find wreaths of holly, t'was not very hard, for holly
trees grew in every back yard. In front of the houses, Dads and Moms
were adorning the bushes and coconut palms.
The sleeping kiddies were
dreaming in glee, hoping to find water skis under the tree. They all knew
that Santa was well on his way, in a Mercedes-Benz, instead of a
And soon he arrived and started to work, he hadn't a second to
linger or shirk. He whizzed up the highways and zoomed up the road, in a
S-L 300, delivering his loads.
The tropical moon gave the city a
glow, and lighted the way for old Santa below. As he jumped from the auto
he gave a wee chuckle, he was dressed in Bermudas with an Ivy league
buckle, There weren't any chimneys, but that caused no gloom, for Santa
came in through the Florida room.
He stopped at each house....stayed only
a minute, emptying his sack of stuff that was in it. Before he departed,
he treated himself to a glass of papaya juice upon the shelf. He turned
with a jerk and bounced to the car, remembering he still had to go very
He shifted the gears and stepped on the gas and up Highway 436 he
went like a flash. And I heard him exclaim as he went on his way, "MERRY
CHRISTMAS Y'ALL, I WISH I COULD STAY!"
A WOMAN'S RANDOM THOUGHTS
1) Reason to smile: Every 7 minutes of every
day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
2) Women over 50
don't have babies because they would put them down and forget where they
3) One of life's mysteries is how a 2 pound box of candy can
make a woman gain 5 LBS.
4) My mind not only wanders, it sometimes
5) The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear
6) The nice part about living in a small town is that when
you don't know what you're doing, someone else does.
7) The older you
get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your
fat are really good friends.
8) Just when I was getting used to
yesterday, along came today.
9) Sometimes I think I understand
everything, then I regain consciousness.
10) I gave up jogging for my
health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on
11) Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it
shrinks two sizes!
12) Skinny people irritate me! Especially when
they say things like, "You know sometimes I just forget to eat," Now I've
forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've never
forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to
13) A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control
pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn't really care.
14) They keep
telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that
communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said, "Body, how'd
you like to go to the six o'clock class in vigorous toning?" Clear as a bell
my body said, "Listen witch ... do it and die."
15) The trouble with some
women is that they get all excited about nothing (and then they marry
16) I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress
are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they
kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.
17) I know what
Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into
A guy goes into a bar and orders a beer. Bartender gives him a beer and a
bowl of nuts. The guy starts drinking his beer and munches on a few nuts
when suddenly he hears a soft voice, "Hey that's a nice tie".
looks around and sees no one except the bartender at the other end of the
bar. The guy takes another sip of his beer and munches a few more nuts when
again he hears the soft voice, "Man you are looking good, have you lost
The guy looks around, dazed and confused, and only sees the
bartender down at the other end of the bar. He has another sip of his beer,
a few more nuts, and the same thing happens again, the soft voice, "Wow,
where do you buy your clothes? I simply love your jacket".
calls the bartender down. "Do you hear voices?" the guy asks nervously.
"Voices Sir?" the bartender asks thinking he's got a weirdo sitting at
"Yeah,watch this" says the guy. He sips his beer and
munches a handful of nuts. Sure enough there's the soft voice. "Man are you
smart or what."
"Oh, that", says the bartender, "its the nuts."
"The nuts?", asks the guy.
"Yes" says the bartender, "they're
RULES COULD BAN ON-STREET JOB-SEEKING QUEUES
soon-to-be-implemented regulations in Phoenix could stop the age-old
practice of men standing along Bell Road, in the northern suburbs of that
city, seeking jobs. For as long as most people can remember, hundreds of day
laborers have queued up in the morning along the road, seeking hourly jobs
in what- ever trades want them. Now, according to the Arizona Republic,
the city wants to ensure that its own official Day Labor Center has the
lock on that type of job-seeking and that it's done in an orderly manner.
Some labor advocates around the country contend that that kind of
legislation -- citing people who stand on streets seeking employment --
limits free speech pro- tections of the Constitution. The city's job-seeking
center is scheduled to open in about a month. There will be little
fanfare. After that facility opens, police will be instructed to start
issuing tickets to people "loitering" on streets seeking jobs in the
MORE WEB USERS ARE GOING WIRELESS
One of the ways that
computer users are getting more for their money is by networking their
computers. It was done first in offices, where one "master" computer's
output was split up to serve many smaller "slave" units. Then the practice
of using a splitter, technically called a "router," spread to homes. For
less than $100, people with high-speed connections could split the service's
bandwidth among multiple computers. Many users, though, found it difficult
to route the necessary cable to all locations. It often required drilling
through walls or going through the attic or basement with wires called
Category 5 cable, which resembles thick telephone installation cable. Now
enter the wireless router. The San Francisco Chronicle says an increasing
number of computer users are sending the signal around their homes and
apartments through the air, leaving the cumbersome umbilical cables behind.
The publication says that there can be some snags. Not all the software is
easy to install. Also, if you're using different kinds of computers --
stand-alones, laptops, etc. -- you might find each will need special
tweaking. The bottom line: If you're new at computers, going wireless might
have to wait until you're up to the task. Additionally, there are concerns
about others in nearby apart- ments or houses tapping into your system. This
issue smacks of the early days of garage door openers in which there was
a limited number of codes and neighbors often opened the other's door by
mistake. Of course, in that case, neighbors only got access to your garage,
not your computer.
GATLINS BACK TOURING AFTER 10 YEARS OFF
After 10 years of no touring, the
Gatlin Brothers are back on the road -- but on a schedule far less hectic
than before. Larry Gatlin says he and brothers Rudy and Steve got
burned out on performing 250 concerts a year. "We were on the road so much
that something we really loved turned into something we really dreaded," he
tells the Nashville Tennessean. "So we're not going to do that anymore."
After playing "Broken Lady," "All the Gold in California" and their other
favorites, the Gatlins are wrapping up this month's concerts with a
holi- day performance written by brother Steve.
LONESTAR, LEE ANN NAMED AMA PRESENTERS
Country artists have been lined up
to present trophies to winners at the American Music Awards next month.
Lonestar, Lee Ann Womack, Jo Dee Messina, Martina McBride, Kellie Coffey
and Carolyn Dawn Johnson will be among the presen- ters at the Jan. 13, 2003,
show on ABC. For more informa- tion, go to
Dolly Parton is taking her acting talent to the small screen, playing the
lead in a Mae West story on ABC next year. The network is shooting for a
November 2003 airing of the two- hour flick, with work expected to begin in
the spring, Parton tells the Knoxville News-Sentinel. She also says she wants
to record new albums featuring country music, gospel, children's songs and
a dance remix disc.
SPIELBERG WAS TEEN IMPOSTER
Long before Steven Spielberg was one of the
world's most suc- cessful filmmakers, he posed as a studio executive and
snuck onto film sets. Talking to reporters about Frank Abagnale, the
real-life subject of his latest flick, "Catch Me If You Can," Spielberg
confessed that when he was in high school in the early 1960s, he would get
dressed up and pretend to be a Hollywood big-wig to gain access to studio
lots, so he could watch how movies were made. Asked if making a film about
a famous con artist brought back memories of his own brief time as an
imposter, Spielberg replied: "It did. Not when I first read the book and
script, but it was certainly an after thought." "I remember thinking back to
my moment of chutzpah, and thinking that I could have been arrested for
trespassing and impersonating executives and that was probably more
pun- ishable than trespassing over there in those days. But, the nerve I
was able to generate came from my love of cinema and wanting to be a movie
director," Spielberg explained.
The minister had just finished an excellent chicken dinner at the home of a
member of his congregation. Sitting on the porch after dinner he saw a
rooster come strutting through the yard. "That's certainly a proud-looking
rooster you have there," the minister commented.
"Yes sir," replied
the farmer. "He has reason to be proud, one of his sons just entered the
On the first day of Catmas my humans
gave to me ... A carpeted, cheaply homemade cat tree. I think it was a
feeble attempt to get me off the bed where I take up most of the space.
Sorry, no go.
On the second day of Catmas my humans gave to me ... Two
catnip toys. They were destroyed within minutes. Next...
On the third
day of Catmas my humans gave to me ... Three nuggets of Pounce. Stingy
humans. After they went to bed I knocked the can over, ripped off the lid,
and ate the rest.
On the fourth day of Catmas my humans gave to me ...
Four furry mice. They were fake. What a disappointment.
On the fifth
day of Catmas my humans gave to me ... Five small lattice balls. They made
such an irritating noise on the hardwood floor the Big Owner took them away
the next day.
On the sixth day of Catmas my humans gave to me ... Six
floppy stuffed Beanie Dalmatians. 95 to go. Big whoop.
On the seventh
day of Catmas my human gave to me ... Seven Pet Food Covers. Hold on here,
buckaroo. I eat a whole can of that stuff at one sitting. Covers suggest I
won't be doing that anymore? Over your inert body.
On the eighth day
of Catmas my human gave to me ... Eight Hairball Toys. Looks just like the
On the ninth day of Catmas my humans gave to me ... Nine
humans dancing. Trying to not step on the fake hairballs.
tenth day of Catmas my humans gave to me ... Ten balls of twine. Old
reliable. Boring. I may fashion a noose for the Big Owner out of it.
the eleventh day of Catmas my humans gave to me ... Eleven minutes of
scratching. It's about all the Big Owner (or I) can handle before
strands of hair fly up into his nose and make him sneeze all over
On the twelfth day of Catmas my humans gave to me ... Twelve human
hugs and kisses. It makes up for all the rest.
It was a good
Borrowed from : CAT DIARY Copyright 2002, Mark Mason, all rights
Christmas With Louise (Smile A While
As a joke, my
brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before
Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What they say
about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas
morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were overflowed, his poor pantyhose
hung sadly empty.
One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put
on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't
sell those things at Wal-Mart.
I had to go to an adult bookstore
downtown. If you've never been in a X-rated store, don't go. You'll only
confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, "What does this
do?" "You're kidding me!" "Who would buy that?" Finally, I made it to the
inflatable doll section. I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll
that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car
pool lane during rush hour.
Finding what I wanted was difficult.
Love dolls come in many different models. The top of the line, according to
the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal
husbandry. I settled for "Lovable Louise." She was at the bottom of the
price scale. To call Louise a "doll" took a huge leap of
On Christmas Eve, with the help of an old bicycle pump,
Louise came to life. My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in
during the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled
the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate
some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby
tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.
morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a
present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog confused. She
would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more. We all
agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest of the family
could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas
My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the
"What the hell is that?" she asked. My brother quickly explained,
"It's a doll."
"Who would play with something like that?" Granny
snapped. I had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut. "Where
are her clothes?"
Granny continued. "Boy, that turkey sure smells
nice, Gran," Jay said, trying to steer her into the dining room. But Granny
"Why doesn't she have any teeth?" Again, I could have
answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in
the back of the ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny Hang on!"
grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and
said, "Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?" I told him she was Jay's
friend. A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to
Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we
realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.
The dinner went
well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and
who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise that sounded a lot
like my father in the bathroom in the morning.
Then she lurched from the
panty hose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the
sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and
Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering
mouth to mouth resuscitation. My brother fell back over his chair and wet
his pants and Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat
in the car.
It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember. Later in
my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the
cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from
a hot ember to the back of her right thigh. Fortunately, thanks to a
wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect
Louise went on to star in several bachelor party movies. I think
Grandpa still calls her whenever he can get out of the house
What did the Gingerbread Man put on his bed? A cookie
What reindeer has the cleanest antlers? Comet
the cow's holiday greeting? Mooooory Christmas
What does Santa like
to eat? A jolly roll
Where do Santa's reindeers like to stop for
lunch? Deery Queen
New Employee Manual.
Welcome aboard! You are one of our most valued
new employees. Enclosed please find some helpful guidelines to company
OVERTIME - The Company has an optional overtime policy -
you have the option of working forty hours of overtime or eighty hours of
PROMOTION - The Company rewards hard work and devotion.
We like to think that if you work hard and devote enough time and energy
to the company, you will be rewarded by being allowed to train the CEO's son
when he is promoted to Vice President over you.
STOCK OPTIONS - You
may buy shares in the company when it goes public. So named because you'll be
working in the stock room at Wal-Mart when the company goes belly-up due to
401k - This is how much money you'll lose under
your "Stock Option" plan.
HELLTH PLAN - No, that isn't a misprint; you
now belong to an H.M.O. That stands for "Hell's Medical Organization." It
was organized by some of Hell's finest minds: Hitler, Genghis Khan, and
Josef Stalin worked night and day to create a 162-page manual documenting the
exact terms of your coverage, but it all boils down to three
1) You belong to the HMO. We mean that literally - as of now,
the HMO owns you. To insure that you don't forget your subscriber number, we
will tattoo it to your forehead.
2) You have been assigned a primary care
physician. You will not be told your physician's name. You may never see
your physician. Your physician is imaginary. If you see any doctor without
express written permission of your imaginary primary care physician, you will
be forced to pay full price, plus eat your weight in lard.
3) You are
not covered under this plan.
"Now tell me, Miss Jones," said the senior partner to the very junior
employee, "what is the purpose of a holiday?"
"To impress upon the
employees that the company can get along without them," she responded
"As a kid I used to have a lemonade stand. The sign said, 'All You Can Drink
For A Dime.' So some kid would come up, plunk down the dime, drink a glass,
and then say, 'Refill it.'
"I'd say, 'That'll be another dime.'
"How come? Your sign says--"
"Well, you had a glass, didn't you?
That's all you can drink for a dime."
GOVERNOR OPENS PRISONS TO SAVE MONEY
It was certainly
something that Kentucky's governor, Paul Patton, might not have wanted to do
... ordering the release of more than 560 inmates from state lock-ups to
reduce operating expenses. But, according to the Louisville
Courier- Journal, that's what Patton did this week. He commuted the
sentences, to the chagrin of many. Not only are some victims angry, so
are jail personnel who stand to lose overtime by the dwindling jail
population. In his announcement, Patton conceded that the people he freed
had been jailed for a reason and there is no guarantee that they will not
commit another crime. But, as governor, he noted that he sometimes has to
make difficult decisions. This was one of them. The former prisoners will be
home for Christmas in most cases.
LONG-HAIRED BARBIE DOLL BIG HIT THIS YEAR
Its hair hangs to the
floor. It's the Barbie Rapunzel doll. And, according to the folks who keep
tabs on toy sales, the doll is one of this season's hottest-selling toys.
Released at mid-year by Mattel, the doll features hair that can "grow"
to 12 inches (when pulled out). The doll is a real departure for Barbie
in recent years. An entire Rapunzel-theme set is replete with with the
doll's handsome constant companion, Ken, dressed as Prince Stefan, and an
enchanted tower and even a dragon. And the entire set is available in
dark-skinned versions. To add to the fun, Mattel also commissioned a video
that goes with the full set. Barbie, as Rapunzel, sells separately for
just under $20 in most stores. If the doll becomes more scarce or a
collector's item, in some circles it could sell for much more. By the way,
Colorado-based feature writer Elizabeth Aguilera points out that Disney has
yet to cash in on the character in a major way.
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