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The News Letter, 021218-3








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By the way, on some of the pictures, if you hover your pointer over the picture, ya might find a comment from me on it,
now that I've learned how to do that.



Now its time for the show to start & I think we'll start now!!!!





It was character that got us out of bed, commitment that
moved us into action, and discipline that enabled us to
follow through.
--Zig Zigler

The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is
that the taxidermist leaves the skin.
--Mark Twain

Mourn not the dead that in the cool earth lie, but rather
mourn the apathetic throng, the coward and the meek who see
the world's great anguish and its wrong, and dare not speak.
-- Ralph Chaplin

"I wasn't being entertained for over twenty minutes yesterday
and I started to suffer withdrawal. I didn't have a TV, no
book to read, no music playing, no video games, nothing. I
got scared and wondered, 'Would I ever be entertained again?'
I was just about to feel an emotion - yes, an emotion in-
spired by real life, and in the nick of time I made it to a
cereal box and read the ingredients. Thank you, God!"
 -Bob Odenkirk





John was tasked with bringing the Christmas decorations up
from the basement and start decorating the house and tree.
During one trek up the stairs, heavily laden with boxes, he
slipped and luckily only fell about two steps before landing
square on his behind.

His wife heard the noise and yelled, "What was that thump?"

"I just fell down the stairs," he explained.

She rushed into the room, "Anything broken?!"

"No, no, I'm fine."

There was just a slight pause before his loving wife said,
"No, I meant my decorations? Are any of them broken?"





WINNIPEG, Manitoba - People lose things all the time. Car
keys, remote controls - these kind of items get misplaced
on a regular basis. But a two-inch-wide surgical retractor?
Well, after performing surgery on a woman at Regina General
Hospital, doctors failed to realize that they were missing
theirs. The item turned up eventually when the patient had
a hard time getting through an airport metal detector. Hav-
ing suffered persistent stomach aches four months after the
abdominal surgery, an x-ray revealed that surgeons had left
the long metal object inside the woman's abdominal cavity.
The woman then had immediate surgery to remove the object
and all instruments were accounted for.





To: All Employees
From: Management
Subject: Office conduct during the Christmas season

Effective immediately, employees should keep in mind
the following guidelines in compliance with FROLIC
(the Federal Revelry Office and Leisure Industry Council).

1.  Running aluminum foil through the paper shredder
    to make tinsel is discouraged.

2. Playing Jingle Bells on the push-button phone is
   forbidden.  (It runs up an incredible long distance bill.)

3. Egg nog will NOT be dispensed in vending machines.

4. Company cars are not to be used to go over the
   river and through the woods to Grandma's house.

5. All fruitcake is to be eaten BEFORE July 25.

6. Work requests are not to be filed under "Bah humbug."

In spite of all this, the staff is encouraged to have a Happy Holiday.





MERRY CHRISTMAS - FLORIDA STYLE

T'was the night before Christmas and all through the town,
no noses were frozen, no snow fluttered down,
no children in flannels were tucked into bed,
they all wore shorty pajamas instead.

To find wreaths of holly, t'was not very hard,
for holly trees grew in every back yard.
In front of the houses, Dads and Moms were
adorning the bushes and coconut palms.

The sleeping kiddies were dreaming in glee,
hoping to find water skis under the tree.
They all knew that Santa was well on his way,
in a Mercedes-Benz, instead of a sleigh.

And soon he arrived and started to work,
he hadn't a second to linger or shirk.
He whizzed up the highways and zoomed up the road,
in a S-L 300, delivering his loads.

The tropical moon gave the city a glow,
and lighted the way for old Santa below.
As he jumped from the auto he gave a wee chuckle,
he was dressed in Bermudas with an Ivy league buckle,
There weren't any chimneys, but that caused no gloom,
for Santa came in through the Florida room.

He stopped at each house....stayed only a minute,
emptying his sack of stuff that was in it.
Before he departed, he treated himself
to a glass of papaya juice upon the shelf.
He turned with a jerk and bounced to the car,
remembering he still had to go very far.

He shifted the gears and stepped on the gas
and up Highway 436 he went like a flash.
And I heard him exclaim as he went on his way,
"MERRY CHRISTMAS Y'ALL, I WISH I COULD STAY!"





A WOMAN'S RANDOM THOUGHTS

1) Reason to smile: Every 7 minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics
class pulls a hamstring.

2) Women over 50 don't have babies because they would put them down and
forget where they left them.

3) One of life's mysteries is how a 2 pound box of candy can make a
woman gain 5 LBS.

4) My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.

5) The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.

6) The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't
know what you're doing, someone else does.

7) The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then,
your body and your fat are really good friends.

8) Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.

9) Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain
consciousness.

10) I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together
and setting my pantyhose on fire.

11) Amazing!  You hang something in your closet for a while and it
shrinks two sizes!

12) Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like,
"You know sometimes I just forget to eat," Now I've forgotten my
address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys.  But I've never forgotten
to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.

13) A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills.
She had 14 kids, but she doesn't really care.

14) They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all
that communicative but I heard from it the other  day after I said,
"Body, how'd you like to go to the six o'clock class in vigorous
toning?" Clear as a bell my body said, "Listen witch ... do it and die."

15) The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about
nothing (and then they marry him.)

16) I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are
eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast.  Are they
kidding?   That is my idea of a perfect day.

17) I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older
than 30 can fit into their stuff.

Thanks, Dianne

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http://www.dubyadubyadubya.com/
..absolutely DELIGHTFUL link...

If you're not a Dem, don't get your panties in a wad!
Note to Michael:  You're gonna love this! MB)


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Susan's Friend Dipshit (Alison)



A guy goes into a bar and orders a beer. Bartender gives him a beer and
a bowl of nuts. The guy starts drinking his beer and munches on a few
nuts when suddenly he hears a soft voice, "Hey that's a nice tie".

The guy looks around and sees no one except the bartender at the other
end of the bar. The guy takes another sip of his beer and munches a few
more nuts when again he hears the soft voice, "Man you are looking good,
have you lost weight?".

The guy looks around, dazed and confused, and only sees the bartender
down at the other end of the bar. He has another sip of his beer, a few
more nuts, and the same thing happens again, the soft voice, "Wow, where
do you buy your clothes? I simply love your jacket".

The guy calls the bartender down. "Do you hear voices?" the guy asks
nervously.

"Voices Sir?" the bartender asks thinking he's got a weirdo sitting at
the bar.

"Yeah,watch this" says the guy. He sips his beer and munches a handful
of nuts. Sure enough there's the soft voice. "Man are you smart or
what."

"Oh, that", says the bartender, "its the nuts."

"The nuts?", asks the guy.

"Yes" says the bartender, "they're complimentary."


& if you lived with her 
you would tooo



RULES COULD BAN ON-STREET JOB-SEEKING QUEUES       

New, soon-to-be-implemented regulations in Phoenix could stop
the age-old practice of men standing along Bell Road, in the
northern suburbs of that city, seeking jobs. For as long as
most people can remember, hundreds of day laborers have queued
up in the morning along the road, seeking hourly jobs in what-
ever trades want them. Now, according to the Arizona Republic,
the city wants to ensure that its own official Day Labor Center
has the lock on that type of job-seeking and that it's done
in an orderly manner. Some labor advocates around the country
contend that that kind of legislation -- citing people who
stand on streets seeking employment -- limits free speech pro-
tections of the Constitution. The city's job-seeking center
is scheduled to open in about a month. There will be little
fanfare. After that facility opens,  police will be instructed
to start issuing tickets to people "loitering" on streets
seeking jobs in the old-fashioned way.





MORE WEB USERS ARE GOING WIRELESS             

One of the ways that computer users are getting more for their
money is by networking their computers. It was done first in
offices, where one "master" computer's output was split up to
serve many smaller "slave" units. Then the practice of using
a splitter, technically called a "router," spread to homes.
For less than $100, people with high-speed connections could
split the service's bandwidth among multiple computers. Many
users, though, found it difficult to route the necessary cable
to all locations. It often required drilling through walls or
going through the attic or basement with wires called Category
5 cable, which resembles thick telephone installation cable.
Now enter the wireless router. The San Francisco Chronicle
says an increasing number of computer users are sending the
signal around their homes and apartments through the air,
leaving the cumbersome umbilical cables behind. The publication
says that there can be some snags. Not all the software is easy
to install. Also, if you're using different kinds of computers
-- stand-alones, laptops, etc. -- you might find each will need
special tweaking. The bottom line: If you're new at computers,
going wireless might have to wait until you're up to the task.
Additionally, there are concerns about others in nearby apart-
ments or houses tapping into your system. This issue smacks
of the early days of garage door openers in which there was
a limited number of codes and neighbors often opened the
other's door by mistake. Of course, in that case, neighbors
only got access to your garage, not your computer.





GATLINS BACK TOURING AFTER 10 YEARS OFF

After 10 years of no touring, the Gatlin Brothers are back
on the road -- but on a schedule far less hectic than before.
Larry Gatlin says he and brothers Rudy and Steve got burned
out on performing 250 concerts a year. "We were on the road
so much that something we really loved turned into something
we really dreaded," he tells the Nashville Tennessean. "So
we're not going to do that anymore." After playing "Broken
Lady," "All the Gold in California" and their other favorites,
the Gatlins are wrapping up this month's concerts with a holi-
day performance written by brother Steve.





LONESTAR, LEE ANN NAMED AMA PRESENTERS

Country artists have been lined up to present trophies to
winners at the American Music Awards next month. Lonestar,
Lee Ann Womack, Jo Dee Messina, Martina McBride, Kellie
Coffey and Carolyn Dawn Johnson will be among the presen-
ters at the Jan. 13, 2003, show on ABC. For more informa-
tion, go to abc.abcnews.go.com/primetime/specials/ama.

Dolly Parton is taking her acting talent to the small screen,
playing the lead in a Mae West story on ABC next year. The
network is shooting for a November 2003 airing of the two-
hour flick, with work expected to begin in the spring, Parton
tells the Knoxville News-Sentinel. She also says she wants to
record new albums featuring country music, gospel, children's
songs and a dance remix disc.





SPIELBERG WAS TEEN IMPOSTER

Long before Steven Spielberg was one of the world's most suc-
cessful filmmakers, he posed as a studio executive and snuck
onto film sets. Talking to reporters about Frank Abagnale,
the real-life subject of his latest flick, "Catch Me If You
Can," Spielberg confessed that when he was in high school in
the early 1960s, he would get dressed up and pretend to be a
Hollywood big-wig to gain access to studio lots, so he could
watch how movies were made. Asked if making a film about a
famous con artist brought back memories of his own brief time
as an imposter, Spielberg replied: "It did. Not when I first
read the book and script, but it was certainly an after
thought." "I remember thinking back to my moment of chutzpah,
and thinking that I could have been arrested for trespassing
and impersonating executives and that was probably more pun-
ishable than trespassing over there in those days. But, the
nerve I was able to generate came from my love of cinema and
wanting to be a movie director," Spielberg explained.





The minister had just finished an excellent chicken dinner
at the home of a member of his congregation. Sitting on the
porch after dinner he saw a rooster come strutting through
the yard. "That's certainly a proud-looking rooster you have
there," the minister commented.

"Yes sir," replied the farmer. "He has reason to be proud,
one of his sons just entered the ministry!"





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The 12 Days of Catmas

On the first day of Catmas my humans gave to me ... A carpeted, cheaply
homemade cat tree. I think it was a feeble attempt  to get me off the
bed where I take up most of the space. Sorry, no go.

On the second day of Catmas my humans gave to me ... Two catnip toys.
They were destroyed within minutes. Next...

On the third day of Catmas my humans gave to me ... Three nuggets of
Pounce. Stingy humans. After they went to bed I knocked the can over,
ripped off the lid, and ate the rest.

On the fourth day of Catmas my humans gave to me ... Four furry mice.
They were fake. What a disappointment.

On the fifth day of Catmas my humans gave to me ... Five small lattice
balls. They made such an irritating noise on the hardwood floor the Big
Owner took them away the next day.

On the sixth day of Catmas my humans gave to me ... Six floppy stuffed
Beanie Dalmatians. 95 to go. Big whoop.

On the seventh day of Catmas my human gave to me ... Seven Pet Food
Covers. Hold on here, buckaroo. I eat a whole can of that stuff at one
sitting. Covers suggest I won't be doing that anymore? Over your inert
body.

On the eighth day of Catmas my human gave to me ... Eight Hairball Toys.
Looks just like the real thing.

On the ninth day of Catmas my humans gave to me ... Nine humans dancing.
Trying to not step on the fake hairballs.

On the tenth day of Catmas my humans gave to me ... Ten balls of twine.
Old reliable. Boring. I may fashion a noose for the Big Owner out of it.

On the eleventh day of Catmas my humans gave to me ... Eleven minutes of
scratching. It's about all the Big Owner (or I) can handle before
strands of hair fly up into his nose and make him sneeze all over me.

On the twelfth day of Catmas my humans gave to me ... Twelve human hugs
and kisses. It makes up for all the rest.

It was a good day.

Borrowed from : CAT DIARY
Copyright 2002, Mark Mason, all rights reserved





Christmas With Louise (Smile A While Classic)
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--

As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his
fireplace before Christmas.  He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill
them.  What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true
because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were
overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.

One year I decided to make his dream come true.  I put on sunglasses and
went in search of an inflatable love doll.  They don't sell those things
at Wal-Mart.

I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown.  If you've never been in a
X-rated store, don't go.  You'll only confuse yourself.  I was there an
hour saying things like, "What does this do?" "You're kidding me!" "Who
would buy that?" Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section.  I
wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute
as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush
hour.

Finding what I wanted was difficult.  Love dolls come in many different
models.  The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do
things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry.  I settled for
"Lovable Louise." She was at the bottom of the price scale.  To call
Louise a "doll" took a huge leap of imagination.

On Christmas Eve, with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to
life.  My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee
morning hours.  Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the
dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom.  I also ate
some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby
tray.  I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.

The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his
house and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the
dog confused.  She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and
bark some more.  We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty
hose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for
the traditional Christmas dinner.

My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door.

"What the hell is that?" she asked.  My brother quickly explained, "It's
a doll."

"Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped.  I had
several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut.  "Where are her
clothes?"

Granny continued.  "Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran," Jay said,
trying to steer her into the dining room.  But Granny was relentless.

"Why doesn't she have any teeth?" Again, I could have answered, but why
would I?  It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the
ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny Hang on!"

My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me
and said, "Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?" I told him she
was Jay's friend.  A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel,
talking to Louise.  Not just talking, but actually flirting.  It was
then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.

The dinner went well.  We made the usual small talk about who had died,
who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a
noise that sounded a lot like my father in the bathroom in the morning.

Then she lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room twice, and
fell in a heap in front of the sofa.  The cat screamed.  I passed
cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell
to his knees, and began administering mouth to mouth resuscitation.  My
brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants and Granny threw down
her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.

It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.  Later in my
brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the
cause of Louise's collapse.  We discovered that Louise had suffered from
a hot ember to the back of her right thigh.  Fortunately, thanks to a
wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health.

Louise went on to star in several bachelor party movies.  I think
Grandpa still calls her whenever he can get out of the house
 
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You know you're a redneck when

1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.

2. You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter.

3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

4. The Salvation Army declines your mattress.

5. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want
it.

6. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.

7. You come back from the dump with more than you took.

8. Your grandmother has "Ammo" on her Christmas list.

9. You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.

10.You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.

11.You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.

12.You have a rag for a gas cap.

13.Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does.

14.You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

15.You consider your license plate personalized because your father made
it.

16.Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

17.You sit on your roof at Christmas time hoping to fill your deer
quota.

18.You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say CoolWhip on
the side.

19.The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.

20.You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.

21.You think a quarter horse is that ride in front of K-Mart.

22.Your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always brings
you home.

23.You missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty.

24.You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph





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What did the Gingerbread Man put on his bed?
A cookie sheet
 
What reindeer has the cleanest antlers?
Comet
 
What is the cow's holiday greeting?
Mooooory Christmas
 
What does Santa like to eat?
A jolly roll
 
Where do Santa's reindeers like to stop for lunch?
Deery Queen


Thanks Eric





New Employee Manual.

Welcome aboard!  You are one of our most valued new
employees. Enclosed please find some helpful guidelines to
company policy.

OVERTIME - The Company has an optional overtime policy - you
have the option of working forty hours of overtime or eighty
hours of overtime.

PROMOTION - The Company rewards hard work and devotion.  We
like to think that if you work hard and devote enough time
and energy to the company, you will be rewarded by being
allowed to train the CEO's son when he is promoted to Vice
President over you.

STOCK OPTIONS - You may buy shares in the company when it
goes public. So named because you'll be working in the stock
room at Wal-Mart when the company goes belly-up due to your
incompetence.

401k - This is how much money you'll lose under your "Stock
Option" plan.

HELLTH PLAN - No, that isn't a misprint; you now belong to an
H.M.O. That stands for "Hell's Medical Organization."  It was
organized by some of Hell's finest minds: Hitler, Genghis
Khan, and Josef Stalin worked night and day to create a
162-page manual documenting the exact terms of your coverage,
but it all boils down to three points:

1) You belong to the HMO.  We mean that literally - as of
now, the HMO owns you. To insure that you don't forget your
subscriber number, we will tattoo it to your forehead.

2) You have been assigned a primary care physician. You will
not be told your physician's name. You may never see your
physician. Your physician is imaginary. If you see any doctor
without express written permission of your imaginary primary
care physician, you will be forced to pay full price, plus
eat your weight in lard.

3) You are not covered under this plan.





"Now tell me, Miss Jones," said the senior partner to the
very junior employee, "what is the purpose of a holiday?"

"To impress upon the employees that the company can get
along without them," she responded promptly.





"As a kid I used to have a lemonade stand. The sign said,
'All You Can Drink For A Dime.' So some kid would come up,
plunk down the dime, drink a glass, and then say, 'Refill
it.'

"I'd say, 'That'll be another dime.'

"How come? Your sign says--"

"Well, you had a glass, didn't you? That's all you can drink for a dime."





GOVERNOR OPENS PRISONS TO SAVE MONEY             

It was certainly something that Kentucky's governor, Paul
Patton, might not have wanted to do ... ordering the release
of more than 560 inmates from state lock-ups to reduce
operating expenses. But, according to the Louisville Courier-
Journal, that's what Patton did this week. He commuted the
sentences, to the chagrin of many. Not only are some victims
angry, so are jail personnel who stand to lose overtime by the
dwindling jail population. In his announcement, Patton conceded
that the people he freed had been jailed for a reason and there
is no guarantee that they will not commit another crime. But,
as governor, he noted that he sometimes has to make difficult
decisions. This was one of them. The former prisoners will be
home for Christmas in most cases.





LONG-HAIRED BARBIE DOLL BIG HIT THIS YEAR         

Its hair hangs to the floor. It's the Barbie Rapunzel doll.
And, according to the folks who keep tabs on toy sales, the
doll is one of this season's hottest-selling toys. Released
at mid-year by Mattel, the doll features hair that can "grow"
to 12 inches (when pulled out). The doll is a real departure
for Barbie in recent years. An entire Rapunzel-theme set is
replete with with the doll's handsome constant companion, Ken,
dressed as Prince Stefan, and an enchanted tower and even a
dragon. And the entire set is available in dark-skinned
versions. To add to the fun, Mattel also commissioned a video
that goes with the full set. Barbie, as Rapunzel, sells
separately for just under $20 in most stores. If the doll
becomes more scarce or a collector's item, in some circles it
could sell for much more. By the way, Colorado-based feature
writer Elizabeth Aguilera points out that Disney has yet to
cash in on the character in a major way.


NOOOO Susan, this ain't me.
& now your at the end of the letter, I hope that you enjoyed !

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The times on this one are 214 seconds for 28K modem,
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thanks, David 1