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The News Letter, 021021








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By the way, on some of the pictures, if you hover your pointer over the picture, ya might find a comment from me on it,
now that I've learned how to do that.



Now its time for the show to start & I think we'll start now!!!!





A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local
golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the
green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road
next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his
golf cap, closes his eyes and bows in prayer.

His friend says, "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and
touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man."

The man then replies, "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."





A young woman visiting her new doctor for the first time
found herself alone in a small waiting room. She began
undressing nervously, preparing herself for the upcoming
examination. Just as she draped the last of her garments
over the back of a chair, a light rap sounded on the door
and the doctor walked in.

Coming to an abrupt halt, he looked his patient up and
down carefully.

"Miss Jones," he said, "it seems quite obvious that until
today you have never had an eye exam."





Dentist to Patient: "Would you help me out? I'd like you to
give a few of your loudest screams?"

Patient: "Why, Doc? I didn't feel a thing!"

Dentist: "I know, but there are so many people in the waiting
room right now and I don't want to miss the five o'clock foot-
ball game."





One day a gentleman walked into one of Ben Franklin's book
stores. As one of the clerks went to assist him, the gentleman
asked the clerk the price of the book he wished to purchase.
  
The young clerk looked at the price posted on the book and
said, "That book is one dollar, sir."
 
The gentleman began to haggle with the clerk over the price.
The clerk assured him that the correct price for the book was
one dollar and no lower. As the man realized that his efforts
to haggle with the clerk were going nowhere, he insisted on
speaking with Ben Franklin directly.
 
Franklin stopped his work, walked out to the storefront and
the gentleman asked, "What is the price of this book?"
 
Franklin answered, "One dollar and a quarter."
 
The gentleman was confused and replied, "Your clerk just said
it was a dollar."
  
Franklin looked at the book again and answered, "Yes, it was
a dollar. But now you're wasting my time."





FROM HERE TO MATERNITY -- OH HOW WE CHANGE.

     BIRTHDAYS:
     First baby: Tuesday, January 26, 1956, 7:34 a.m.
     Second baby: July 28, daytime.
     Third baby: the year the grocery store burned down.

     NAMED AFTER:
     First baby: grandmother and paternal aunt for political reasons
     Second baby: Daddy
     Third baby: Daddy's boss

     GODPARENTS:
     First baby: Bernard Ryan and Joy Smith
     Second baby: Martha Dunn and either uncle Fred or Fred the Barber
     Third baby: relatives

     FORMULA:
     First baby: fortified prepared infant formula w/ 1.25 water
     Second baby: heated cow's milk poured from a carton.
     Third baby: cold milk, Cokes, and Kool-Aid

     BOTTLES:
     First baby: boiled 10 minutes, removed with tongs and rubber
     gloves.
     Second baby: boiled five minutes, removed with beer can opener
     Third baby: rinsed in cold water and dried on apron

     HANDLING:
     First baby: right hand behind head, left under knee, clutch baby
     close to body
     Second baby: place hands under armpits and lift
     Third baby: one arm around stomach

     LENGTH AND WEIGHT AT ONE YEAR:
     First baby: 15 pounds, 14 1/2 ounces; 26 1/4 inches
     Second baby: 16 or 17 pounds, same height as vertical knob on TV
      set.
     Third baby: Heavier than a bowling ball. Short.

     SANITATION:
     First baby: rubber gloves, face mask, scrub floors weekly,
     mosquito net
     Second baby: use air freshener weekly, swat all flies
     Third baby: keep the dog out of the playpen

     BABY RECORDS:
     First baby: detailed in gold embossed book
     Second baby: written on back of old envelopes
     Third baby: ask grandma





Congratulating a friend after her son and daughter got married within a
month of each other, a woman asked, "What kind of boy did your daughter
marry?"

"Oh, he's wonderful," gushed the mother. "He lets her sleep late, wants
her to go to the beauty parlor regularly, and insists on taking her out to
dinner every night."

"That's nice," said the woman. "What about your son?"

"I'm not so happy about that," the mother sighed. "His wife sleeps late,
spends all her time in the beauty parlor, and makes them eat take-out
meals!"





"John, I can see that all your buttons are sewed on perfectly. You must
be married!"

"That's right. Sewing on buttons was the first thing my wife taught me
on our honeymoon."





Worried that his son was spending too much money on dates,
a Father asked the boy how much his last date had cost.

The son calculated a minute then replied, "Oh, about $15
or so I think."

"Well," said the Father, "I'm proud of you for finally
coming up with an inexpensive evening."

"To be honest Dad," the son went on, "we'd have done more,
but that was all the money she had."





SMALLPOX SHOTS ADVISED FOR HEALTH WORKERS

A government advisory panel, meeting in Atlanta, says that
some half a million American hospital workers and health
providers should be vaccinated for smallpox. The panel, made
up of volunteers, said that an average of 100 workers in every
U.S. hospital should get the shots. The group did not indicate
how quickly such a program could get underway, though. The
Atlanta Journal and Constitution says that the final decision
would have to be made at the highest level -- at the White
House. There have been long-standing concerns about the avail-
ability of smallpox vaccine for the general population should
a terrorist cause an epidemic in this country. Now it is thought
that health workers -- the people who would have to deal with
such an outbreak -- should be ready, prepared by vaccinations ...
just in case.





MANY STUDENTS LACKING IN MATH SKILLS

A new survey, just conducted in Illinois, shows that fewer
than 60 percent of students tested in that state have the math
skills necessary to tackle a vast array of jobs. The testing
looked at public school juniors in the Prairie State and noted
that the exact level of those who were proficient was around
58 percent. In minority schools the numbers are even worse.
For example, the Chicago Sun-Times is reporting that the numbers
show that less than a quarter of black juniors and slightly more
than a third of Hispanic students in that grade had enough math
skills to be hired for 90 percent of the jobs that are open
currently in Illinois. The overall math proficiency skill level
is down by some three percent in just a few years. The test used
looked at the math skills needed to perform up to job expec-
tations at seven separate levels of employment.





It was not the smartest thing that a 13-year-old Colorado
hunter could have done, sitting on a high-powered rifle that
his dad had left on a camping cot. But, according to the Denver
Post, that's exactly what the Fort Lupton, Colo., student did
this week. His father had been hunting with a large group of
people. When he returned to the campsite he placed the rifle --
he thought for a short time -- on the camp bed. Enter his son.
The boy sat on the rifle. Wanting to retrieve the weapon so
the boy would not be hurt, the man pulled it out from underneath
his son. But, as he did so, the man's hand accidentally engaged
the trigger and the gun went off ... while the boy was still
partially sitting on it. Although the accident wasn't fatal
and doctors managed to repair the boy's backside, the injury
certainly could have been worse had the bullets struck higher
on the boy's body. Police, after reporting the incident to the
media, noted that hunters have to always think of their weapons
as if they are loaded. Quite often they are and are discharged
with tragic consequences.





RICHARD HARRIS BATTLING CANCER

Film legend Richard Harris, seen most recently as Professor
Dumbledore in "Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone" and
Emperor Marcus Aurelius in "Gladiator," is reportedly bat-
tling cancer. The New York Daily News reports the 72-year-
old, Irish-born actor is undergoing chemotherapy for
Hodgkin's disease at a private clinic in London. Harris,
who starred in "Camelot," "The Man Called Horse" and "The
Guns of the Navarone," was admitted to University College
Hospital in August, suffering from a chest infection, the
News reports. A stand-in was required to complete some
scenes in his new film, "Harry Potter and the Chamber of
Secrets," which opens in the United States Nov. 15. It
still is unclear whether he will be well enough to start
shooting "Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban" this January.





Ring   Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A young bride and groom to be had just selected the wedding
ring. As the girl admired the plain platinum and diamond
band, she suddenly looked concerned. "Tell me," she asked
the elderly salesman, "is there anything special I'll have
to do to take care of this ring?" With a fatherly smile, the
salesman said, "One of the best ways to protect a wedding
ring is to dip it in dishwater three times a day."





A little girl was sitting on her grandfather's lap as he read her a
goodnight story. From time to time, she would take her eyes off the
book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek. She was alternately
stroking her own cheek, then his again. Finally she spoke up,

"Grandpa, did God make you?"

"Yes, sweetheart," he answered, "God made me a long time ago."

"Oh," she said and then "Grandpa, did God make me too?"

"Yes indeed, honey," he answered. "God made you just a little while ago."

Feeling their respective faces again, she observed, "God's getting better at it, isn't he??"





The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks an older
priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple confessions,
then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few
suggestions. The old priest says, "Cross you arms over your chest and rub
your chin with one hand."

The new priest tries this. The old priest suggests, "Try saying things like,
"I see," "yes," "go on," "I understand," and "how did you feel about that?"

The new priest says those things, trying them out. The old priest says,
"Now, don't you think that's a little better than saying, "Whoa... What happened next?"





HOLIDAY STRESSES


1. Lower your expectations - Stop reading magazines that suggest
you can do it all this holiday! Read shampoo instructions instead,
they don't put so much pressure on you. "Lather, Rinse, Repeat."
You can do that!

2. Get help. You don't have to do this alone - call your friends,
call your relatives, call the people in your fear of gingerbread men
group. Anyone who can make your life simpler and more fun during
the holidays.

3. If crowds of shoppers cause your blood pressure to boil, shop by
catalog or shop where there are fewer people, such as garage sales,
small boutiques, and your periodontist. Wouldn't your Aunt Gus just
love some bubble gum flavored floss?

4. Wear a funny button while shopping. "I know why Rudolph's nose
is red!" "Touched by an angel, I'm not saying where." "Give me
chocolate and no one gets hurt!"

5. Don't buy gifts for people you don't like. Anyone STILL RUNNING
for US president, O.J. Simpson, take them off your list now!

6. Negotiate agreements about holiday traditions. If half the family
wants to open gifts 12/24 and the other 12/25, agree to open them
at another time, like Pet Your Dog Day.

7. Since you always revert to being a child during the holidays, go
ahead and sit at the children's table. Then when you throw your
food and no one will be surprised

8. Admit that your family get togethers are less like a Norman
Rockwell picture and more like a Stephen King Novel. As long
as there's not a chalk outline under the mistletoe, consider
yourself blessed.

9. Don't watch movies with unrealistic premises, such as It's a
Wonderful Life; instead watch movies that will cheer you up.
You might pick your favorites from the American Film Institute's
Top 100 Comedies of the Century. Who says Young Frankenstein
isn't appropriate holiday fare?

10. If you don't have loved ones to be with, get together with friends
or co-workers and do fun things like caroling or getting holiday tattoos.

11. In order to prevent post-holiday stress, spend less now. Send funny
cards instead of gifts. Start a Humor Buddy Program, where making
someone laugh is your gift. Cut down on other unnecessary expenses
such as bikini waxing.

12. Start your holiday preparations early. Like when you're still in kindergarten!





An interoffice softball game was held every year between the
marketing and support staff of one company. The support staff
whipped the marketing department soundly. To show just "how"
the marketing department earns their keep, they posted this
memo on the bulletin board after the game:

"The Marketing Department is pleased to announce that for the
2000 Softball Season, we came in 2nd place, having lost but one
game all year. The Support Department, however, had a rather
dismal season, as they won only one game."


Please refresh your 
screen to see the
full view of this one
Thanks, Sorry it's one
of those that stops &
doesn't start back again.



IT'S WEIRD!
Fried Twinkies are sweeping Arkansas. Phil Dickson of Hot
Springs has sold about 1,000 of the batter-dipped,
deep-fried goodies topped with powdered sugar since the
Arkansas State Fair opened Friday. Each Twinkie, at 160
calories and five grams of fat a pop, is impaled on a stick
and frozen until firm, then dipped in a batter similar to
that used to fry fish...

... The heart bypass booth next door is doing stellar business...





An Indiana man has built a cannon to fire a pumpkin a mile.

Jerry Brimstone's invention has a 30 foot barrel and is powered by a 700
gallon air tank. It's named "Ain't All There".

During a demonstration in Ellettsville, Indiana the 49-year-old electrician
and mechanic said, "You don't need to cover your ears, but you're going
to know I shot it."

When Mr. Brimstone fires the cannon, a 10 pound pumpkin is hit with
11,300 pounds of force. He says the pumpkin projectile leaves the
muzzle at about 900 mph.

Brimstone plans to take the two ton pumpkin cannon to the first annual
Pumpkin Propulsion Contest at Verizon Wireless Music Center near
Noblesville, on Sunday.

The contest is sponsored by Indianapolis radio station WRZX-FM.





& now your at the end of the letter, I hope that you enjoyed !

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Just because in reality, I like doing it.



A college student in a philosophy class was taking his first
examination.

On the paper there was a single line which simply said:-
"Is this a question?" - Discuss.

After a short time he wrote :-
"If that is a question, then this is an answer"

The student received an "A" in the class


& now your at the end of the letter, I hope that you enjoyed !

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Want to donate a dollar to help out?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This mailing is, and will always be, free!

But, you can help us out with a donation, as small as a dollar!

You can donate by Paypal.

Our Paypal address is susan@suescornerweb.com Click here for the Paypal page

& here it is written if you need to feed it to your browser:
Http://www.paypal.com

& yes I'm begging, but if nothing comes in, You'll still get your news letter.
Just because in reality, I like doing it.



The times on this one are 216 seconds for 28K modem,
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