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The News Letter, 020817








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By the way, on some of the pictures, if you hover your pointer over the picture, ya might find a comment from me on it,
now that I've learned how to do that.



Now its time for the show to start & I think we'll start now!!!!


Now this feeling I think every 
one over the age of four has 
known at one time or another


Postal   Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Welcome to this year's Postal Workers Entrance Exam. I see that all of you
have been able to find yourselves a seat and a desk, so obviously you're
well on your way to becoming postal workers. Should you pass this exam and
become a member of the US Post Office, you will enjoy not only the esteem
and envy of all your friends but also a unique package of fringe benefits,
including:
  An early retirement scheme which allows you to retire while still turning
up for work
[See the attached file]  Flextime which enables you to decide when you don't
want to work at work and when you don't what to work away from work.
[See the attached file]  Free use of government stationery and the
Pitney-Bowes meter machine for all your postage needs.
I must at this stage warn all examinees that anyone found  cheating or
copying from a neighbor's paper will be automatically assigned to the
Letters to Santa Claus Division.
OK, now we're ready to begin:
MATHEMATICS
Please answer the following questions in the spaces provided on your Answer
Sheet.

1. If you went to lunch at 12 noon and came back to work at 2.30:pm, how
long have you had for lunch? --
        ~ The answer, of course, is half an hour.
2. If one postal employee takes 3 hours to process a 321/L3/MX1 form how
long would it take two postal employees to process the same form? --
        ~ The answer is, of course, four hours.
For those of you who failed the Mathematics test, don't worry -- you may
still be eligible to become a tax policy adviser.
MULTIPLE CHOICE:

1. If you are about to take your lunch break and a female member of the
general public comes with an inquiry, you should address her by saying:
    a. May I help you, Madam?
    b. May I help you, Miss?
    c. What can I do you for, baby?
    d. How's tricks, doll-face?
~ The correct answer is: None of the above. This is a trick question. If you
are about to take your lunch break, you shouldn't talk to her at all.

2. If a member of the general public phones up with a complaint and you
realize that the file on this matter has been lost, you should say:
    a. We are aggressively looking into the matter.
    b. Can I get back to you on this one?
    c. The matters have been referred to another committee
    d. I haven't had a chance to look into it yet.
~ Again, this is a trick question. The correct answer is that you should
tell them that they have the wrong telephone extension.

SPELLING:
Spell the following words:
a. Coffee
b. Flu
c. Lunch break
d. Vacation
This is the end of the examination. Pass your examination booklets to the
front, and welcome to the United States Post Office!


Little Johnny  Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Little Johnny had been bringing his drawings home from kindergarten every
day since he started a month ago. Each day his mother admired the pictures
and hung them on the refrigerator. One thing started bothering her. Little
Johnny only used black and browns for his drawings. Fearing a problem and
not wanting it to get worse, she decided to take him to a child
psychologist.

The psychologist delicately went to work. He gave Little Johnny a battery of
psychological tests. He chatted with Little Johnny. Everything seemed
perfectly normal. Every day for two weeks, the tests continued. Yet
everyday, Little Johnny continued to bring home drawings in only blacks and
browns.

Frustrated at not being able to get to the root of the problem and fearful
that something was terribly wrong, the child psychologist decided to give
Little Johnny some paper and a box of crayons and observe what happened.

Little Johnny opened the box of crayons and said, "Oh, Boy! A new box of
crayons! At school we only have old boxes. The only ones left in mine are black and brown!"





Sale  Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It was the day of the big sale. Rumors of the
sale (and some advertising in the local paper)
were the main reason for the long line that
formed in front of the  store by 8:30, the
store's opening time.

A small man pushed his way to the front
of the line, only to be pushed  back, amid
loud and colorful curses.

On the man's second attempt, he was punched
square in the jaw, & knocked around a bit,
and then thrown to the end of the line again.

As he got up the second time, he said to the
person at the end of the line,
"That does it! If they hit me one more time,
I'm not opening the store!"


NOOO Susan, This ain't me.



Wedding Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


The child was a typical four-year-old girl -- cute,
inquisitive, bright as a new penny. When she expressed
difficulty in grasping the concept of marriage, her father
decided to pull out his wedding photo album, thinking visual
images would help. One page after another, he pointed out
the bride arriving at the church, the entrance, the wedding
ceremony, the recessional, the reception, etc.

"Now do you understand?" he asked.

"I think so," she said, "is that when mommy came to work for us?"





This natural blonde had just come back from
her first football game.  A friend asked her,
"How did you like it?"


Blondie replied, "Terrible.  They were all
lined up and ready to play when some smart
aleck came up, kicked the ball, and then they
all fought over it the rest of the afternoon."





An immigration officer stopped a truck filled with illegal
aliens and asked if anyone spoke English. When they all said
no, he told them he was going to shoot them all, starting with
the ones with brown shoes. As he drew his pistol, three men
stepped forward and took the role of translator for the group.





Construction Compensation-----------------
OMAHA, Neb. - A local bank decided to fix its ATM machine to
spit out extra cash on occasion in efforts to better the moods
of its customers. Apparently the road construction was so bad
that the people of the community were complaining constantly.
The bank is calling it a "road warrior" promotion. No date has
been set for the end of the promotion.





KEEPING THAT 'SMALL TOWN' FEELING
There are few things worse than going from an "intimate"
grade school, where everyone knows everyone else, to a
huge, impersonal high school. Colleges are supposed to be
the land of anonymity, not high schools. Well, in the
Phoenix area, school officials are working on a program
that is attempting to return a "small town feel" to large
high schools. The Arizona Republic says that large high
schools -- many have upwards of 2,500 students -- will
be structured to be "homes within homes." Upperclassmen
are being encouraged to get to know the incoming freshmen
students and to act as mentors. One school administrator
tells the publication that since the massacre of students
at Columbine (near Denver) things are different. Schools
are trying to again get to know students as people, not
just enrollment numbers.


I really have to try that some time



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MINE SAFETY RULES RETHOUGHT IN KENTUCKY
The recent rescue of those nine trapped miners in
Pennsylvania has again brought mining safety into focus.
In Kentucky, for example, an agreement on new below-ground
safety rules seems to be in the offing. Discussions have
been proceeding between mining companies and unions
representing miners for some time -- well before the recent
mine accident. But now, according to the Louisville
Courier-Journal, it would appear that some kind of
agreement between the two sides is about to be reached.
Among the proposed provisions of new Kentucky rules:
The authority to revoke a company's license because of
repeated violations. The setting up of minimum fines where
none now exist. The imposing of automatic fines for some
offenses. A state legislative committee will hold meetings
this week on the proposals.





THAT'S NOT A FILET, IT'S A FUNGUS
A meat substitute, introduced into this country this year,
is being grilled by several national health watchdog
groups. Among those criticizing the development of the
product -- called Quorn -- is the Center for Science in
the Public Interest. On the group's Web site, it blasts
the product, noting that it's been making people sick.
The organization claims that it's found numerous instances
of people suffering from nausea, vomiting and diarrhea
from eating Quorn. Meanwhile the group is petitioning
the government to enact a quick recall of the meat
substitute. The think tank calls the product "the new
Olestra," a reference to the fat substitute that it says
causes intestinal and digestive problems. Most
Quorn-made products are kinds of chicken patties.
Essentially, the CSPI claims that the nauseating nuggets
are a fungus.





Wagoner, Carlisle Tapped for Hall of Fame

Longtime Grand Ole Opry members Porter Wagoner and Bill
Carlisle received surprise word Saturday night (Aug. 10)
of their upcoming induction into the Country Music Hall
of Fame. When the Dixie Chicks concluded their appearance
on the Opry, Martie Maguire called Wagoner and Carlisle
onstage to tell them the news. Wagoner, 75, and Carlisle,
93, will be inducted at the CMA Awards show on Nov. 6.





WEIRD EXTRAS                  ***
*** Stories without comment (well, sometimes) ***
*************************************************

Oh, please make me a Frisbee!
Poof!  You're a Frisbee

Ed Headrick, the father of the modern Frisbee died at the age of 78.
His dying wish is to have his ashes molded into memorial Frisbees to
be given to a select few family and friends.


Sydney Morning Herald 14-Aug-02
<http://www.smh.com.au/articles/2002/08/14/1029113943908.html>
or
http://tinyurl.com/10s0


Good luck


FROM THE LAME EXCUSES TO LAW ENFORCEMENT FOLK FILES
****************************************************

(I witnessed this 'event'!)

Two friends and I were sitting in the outside area of bar & grill when
a police car pulled a two-door car over right in front of the place.
Both officers get out and we hear the cop closest to us say something
about "They gotta be drunk!"

The first cop approaches the car on the driver's side, the other cop
on the passenger side. The first cop orders all the occupants out;
there were 5 people inside. The second cop walks past the passenger
door and waits. The front passenger gets out, then the back seat
three.

Then, the driver crawls over the console and out the passenger door.
The driver is eyeing the first cop and nudges the second cop with his
elbow  -- without looking at who is behind him -- and with a drunken
lisp says "Jesh tell'em you wuz drivin'. I'm WAY too drunk!"

All five were hauled off. We called a cab...





--> Are you in law enforcement?  Do you have any excuses we'd love to
hear about?
  Send them to: DumbExcuses@BoneheadOfTheDayAward.com

Let me know how you want the entry credited to you, if at all.





HOROSCOPES FOR YOUR JOB POSITION...

1) MARKETING:  You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a
marketing degree to avoid having to study in college,
concentrating instead on drinking and socializing which is
pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. Least
compatible with Sales.

2) SALES:  Laziest of all signs, often referred to as
"marketing without a degree". You are also self centered and
paranoid. Unless someone calls you and begs you to take their
money, you like to avoid contact with customers so you can
"concentrate on the big picture". You seek admiration for
your golf game throughout your life.

3) TECHNOLOGY:  Unable to control anything in your personal
life, you are instead content to completely control
everything that happens at your workplace. Often even YOU
don't understand what you are saying but who the heck can
tell. It is written that Geeks shall inherit the Earth.

4) ENGINEERING:  One of only two signs that actually studied
in school. It is said that ninety percent of all Personal Ads
are placed by engineers. You can be happy with yourself; your
office is full of all the latest "ergo dynamic" gadgets.
However, we all know what is really causing your "carpal
tunnel syndrome".

5) ACCOUNTING:  The only other sign that studied in school.
You are mostly immune from office politics. You are the most
feared person in the organization; combined with your extreme
organizational traits, the majority of rumors concerning you
say that you are completely insane. Oh, and usually the first
to be incarcerated.

6) HUMAN RESOURCES:  Ironically, given your access to
confidential information, you tend to be the biggest gossip
within the organization. Possibly the only other person that
does less work than marketing, you are unable to return any
calls today because you have to get a haircut, have lunch AND
then mail a letter.

7) MANAGEMENT/MIDDLE MANAGEMENT:  Catty, cut-throat, yet
completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your
current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a
single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number
of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to
marry other "Middle Managers" as everyone in you social
circle is a "Middle Manager."

8) SENIOR MANAGEMENT:  See above - Same sign, different
title.

9) CUSTOMER SERVICE:  Bright, cheery, positive, you are a
fifty cent cab ride from taking your own life. As children
very few of you asked your parents for a little cubicle for
your room and a headset so you could pretend to play
"Customer Service." Continually passed over for promotions,
your best bet is to sleep with your manager.

10) CONSULTANT:  Lacking any specific knowledge, you use
acronyms to avoid revealing your utter lack of experience.
You have convinced yourself that your skills" are in demand
and that you could get a higher paying job with any other
organization in a heartbeat. You will spend an eternity
contemplating these career opportunities without ever taking
direct action.

11) RECRUITER, "HEADHUNTER":  As a "person" that profits from
the success of others, you are disdained by most people who
actually work for a living. Paid on commission and
susceptible to alcoholism, your ulcers and frequent heart
attacks correspond directly with fluctuations in the stock
market.

12) PARTNER, PRESIDENT, CEO:  You are brilliant or lucky.
Your inability to figure out complex systems such as the fax
machine suggest the latter.





Get rid of "ring around the collar" with today's tip

Ring around the collar is caused by oil, dirt and grime that
gathers around the neck. Shampoo is made to remove body oils
and will work on an item that is made from those same body
oils. Apply your regular shampoo to the neck area of the
garment, gently scrub, then launder as usual.





The trouble with born-again Christians is that they are an
even bigger pain the second time around.
     ---Herb Caen



What happens to born-again Christians who experience deja vu?
     ---Lewis





In the end it is worse to suppress dissent than to run the
risk of heresy.
--Learned Hand, American Judge





DRESS FOR SUCCESS STILL WORKS
A new survey of employers shows that far too many people
are showing up for job interviews looking a mess.
Paula Rath, writing in the Honolulu Advertiser, says that
if the world were perfect, prospective employers would
overlook the visual aspects of applicants and concentrate
on the person's ability to do the job. But this is not a
perfect world. She suggests that the first key to doing
well in an interview is to be clean and neat ... both
yourself and your clothing. Many people forget that the
personal habits they have adopted -- which may be the way
all their friends behave -- might not cut it in the
workplace. The use of foul language can be very
troublesome. Many people are not aware of how "vulgar"
their speech is. And bosses of all kinds can be sensitive
to that. In Henderson, Nev., for example, there's a towing
and impound lot where the boss insists that clean language
be the norm of the day in the office ... not only among
the employees but among visitors. And one other thing.
And this may really seem two-faced. If jeans are part of
the accepted dress code at a job site where you are
going for an interview, don't wear jeans ... until you're
hired -- unless you're looking for a job with Levi Strauss.





FORD TO HEIGHTEN QUALITY CHECKS
You don't have to know karate to get a "black belt" at Ford
Motors. The company says that it's training high-level
quality control inspectors who will be able to troubleshoot
possible problems during every assembly stage at all of the
company's plants. For example, the Louisville
Courier-Journal says that at the company's Kentucky assembly
plant has drawn from its pool of long-time employees to
recruit "foot soldiers in the war on defects." Each of the
workers is given a special rating, similar to a "color" in
the pecking order of karate experts. One such employee is
Steve Drake, part of the company's new "squeak and rattle
team." He's been on the assembly line at Ford for 30 years.
Now, identified with a special insignia on his shirt,
Drake is on call to try to fix any problems that may
suddenly crop up in his area of expertise. By the way,
Drake was the man whom Ford assigned to a difficult
task ... finding the source of a pesky rattle in the left
front fender area of the new Ford Explorer.





& now your at the end of the letter, I hope that you enjoyed !

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The times on this one are 179 seconds for 28K modem,
106 seconds for 56k modem & 49 seconds for cable/dsl

thanks, David 1