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The News Letter, 020817-1








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By the way, on some of the pictures, if you hover your pointer over the picture, ya might find a comment from me on it,
now that I've learned how to do that.



Now its time for the show to start & I think we'll start now!!!!





SHORT MESSAGES MAY REVEAL THE FUTURE
The kind of short messages young children "input" into
portable computers and cell phone-like devices may tell us
a lot about their personality and futures. According to
research carried out for the Woolworth company, the type
and content of even the shortest messages can tell a lot
about a person. The surveyors looked at four kinds of
message writers: Creative, jugglers, controllers and
facilitators. Researchers found that the use of
abbreviations, upper and lower case and the choice of
ringing tones on cell phones were all clues to adult
behavior in later years. One psychologist, in helping to
compile the report, noted that such individual preferences
are as distinctive as handwriting. Additionally, more and
more teens are using abbreviations and codes rather than
words and are losing the ability to construct long
sentences. The art of using capital and lower case letters,
and the understanding and use of parenthetical expressions
in ellipses -- such as this one, set off by dashes and
with an internal comma for better understanding -- are
becoming foreign to many young people ... which may signal
the end to written language as we know it, and the
creation of a new "shorthand."





ELVIS HAS NOT LEFT THE BUILDING

With the approach of the 25th death anniversary of Elvis
Presley, more and more tributes are being planned. This
will be a huge anniversary year for Memphis and the folks
at Graceland, with a massive all-night parade and music
festival planned. Meanwhile, a new generation of fans has
been introduced to the King's music in the animated Disney
feature "Lilo & Stitch." Just a few months ago, Elvis rock-
eted to the top of European music charts via a remix of one
of his old songs "A Little Less Conversation" -- a song that
bombed initially in this country. This month RCA is set to
release a remastered collection of 30 of Elvis's No. 1 hits.
That European mix of "Conversation" will be added as a bonus.
Additionally, promoters of the Memphis event have used film
of a 1970s live performance by Presley, taken out all the
sound except for his singing, and will ask a group of former
associates to provide the back-up with Elvis's image project-
ed behind them. Could be interesting.





Shirley and Abe, a retired couple from New York City,
living in Miami, are getting ready to go out to
dinner. Shirley says, "Abe, darling, do you
want me to wear this Chanel suit or the Gucci?"

Abe says, "Do I care?"

A few minutes later Shirley says, "Abe, should I wear
my Cartier watch or my Rolex?"

Abe says, "Who cares?"

A few more minutes pass and Shirley says, "Abe, love,
shall I wear my five-carat pear diamond ring or my
six-carat round diamond ring with the baguettes?"

Abe says, "Shirley, I really don't care what you wear,
but if you don't move your butt , we're going to miss
the Early Bird Special at McDonalds.





A resourceful missionary fell into the hands
of a band of cannibals. "Going to eat me, I take it ,"
said the missionary.  "You wouldn't like me."

He took out his pocketknife, sliced a piece from
the calf of his leg, and handed it to the chief.
"Try it and see for yourself," he urged.

The chief  took one bite, grunted and spat.
The missionary remained on the island fifty years.

He had a cork leg.





HOMEMADE PIZZA DOUGH RECIPE:

Makes three hearty pizza crusts. This dough can also be used
to make calzones or can be frozen for later use. Freeze any
dough just after dividing. This cam be later thawed at room
temperature, then it is ready to use.

INGREDIENTS:
1 packet active dry yeast
1 tablespoon white sugar
2 1/2 cups warm water (110 degrees)
2 tablespoons olive oil
1 tablespoon salt
1/2 cup whole wheat flour
5 1/2 cups bread flour

DIRECTIONS:
In a large mixing bowl, dissolve yeast and sugar in the warm
water. Let sit until creamy; about 10 minutes. Stir the olive
oil, whole wheat flour, salt and 4 cups of the bread flour into
the yeast mixture. Mix in the remaining flour, 1/2 cup at a time,
stirring well after each addition. When the dough has pulled
together, turn it out onto a lightly floured surface and knead
until smooth and elastic, about 8 minutes. Lightly oil a large
mixing bowl, place the dough in the bowl and turn to coat with
oil. Cover with a damp cloth and put in a warm place to rise
until doubled in volume; about 1 hour. Deflate the dough and
turn it out onto a lightly floured surface. Divide the dough
into three equal pieces and form into rounds. Cover the rounds
and let them rest for about 10 minutes. Preheat oven to 425
degrees. Use a rolling pin to roll the dough into the desired
shape, cover it with your favorite toppings and bake at 425
degrees for about 20 minutes or until the crust and cheese are
golden brown.

Makes 3 pizza crusts





A Pennsylvania woman will stand trial this week on charges
she stabbed her husband in the chest -- and then tried to
hide the assault. Local emergency dispatchers say they heard
Linda Glenn concoct a tale after she called them for help
when she forgot to turn off her cell phone. The Dispatchers
say they listened as Glenn told her husband she was afraid
she'd go to jail for murder if he died. The couple is then
heard discussing a story to cover up the crime...





Deimos-Space, a Spanish company, is designing a mission that
will attempt to deal with the problem of rogue asteroids
colliding with the Earth. The plan involves a pair of probe
spacecrafts -- called Hidalgo and Sancho -- constructed to
nudge an asteroid out of its current earth-ramming orbit
through the force of impact.





FINALLY...
The broker for Martha Stewart claims his assistant passed
insider information to her, without his knowledge. Peter
Bacanovic, who works for Merrill Lynch, also believes that
the assistant, Douglas Faneuil, fabricated claims that he
passed on the information under his chief's orders to spare
himself from possible charges...

... All that needs to be said about Martha:
http://www.comedyontap.com/dailyhump/dailyhump.html
<a href=" http://www.comedyontap.com/dailyhump/dailyhump.html ">Click
Here</a>


I'm not changing that one !


BECAUSE I often have to catch a pre-dawn bus to get to my
job, I was concerned that I wasn't always visible to bus
drivers in the darkness. So I attached a reflector to my
lunch box and put on a jogger's vest that was bright orange
and had small flashing lights.   
     The first morning I wore my new gear, the bus zoomed
past but then stopped. I ran to catch up with it and, as I
boarded, asked the driver, "Didn't you see me?"   
     "I saw you," he replied, "but I thought you were a road
sign."

-- Contributed to Reader's Digest "Life In These United States" by Jim Manookin





A Woman's Ultimate Fantasy

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying a cocktail after work one
night, when the bar door opened and the most gorgeous hunk of a man
she had ever seen entered.

He was tall, muscular, and handsome, with thick dark hair and
beautiful, sparkling green eyes, and his every movement was so
masculine and sensuous that the woman could not help but stare.

The man noticed that he was the object of the woman's rapt attention,
and with a sly, sexy smile, approached her. Blushing, she prepared to
apologize for staring, but he leaned close and whispered in her
ear. "I'll do anything," he whispered in a deep, soft
voice. "Anything, absolutely anything you want, anything you have
ever fantasized, for fifty dollars. There's just one condition..."
Trembling with anticipation, the woman asked him the condition. The
man said, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three
words."

The women gazed into his hypnotic eyes, considering the proposition,
then reached into her handbag and took out fifty dollars. She
scribbled her address on a napkin, folded it around the cash, and
pressed it into his waiting hand.

She leaned over and whispered into his ear...
"Clean... my... house."


That Looks like a GREAT idea



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Once upon a time there was a stork family, papa stork, mama stork and
baby stork.

One evening papa stork didn't show up for dinner. Mama stork and baby
stork left the food out for him but he didn't come home at all that
night. When papa stork finally did come home the next day, baby stork
asked "Papa stork, where were you last night?"

"Out making a young couple very happy," replied papa stork.

Several weeks later, mama stork was late for dinner. Baby stork and
papa
stork waited a while, and then gave up and ordered pizza. Mama stork
didn't come home until late the next morning. When mama stork did come
in, baby stork asked "Mama stork, where were you last night?"

"Out making a young couple very happy," replied mama stork.

Later in the fall, baby stork was late for dinner.

Papa stork and mama stork were worried. Their anxiety increased when
baby stork still wasn't home by sunset. They both waited up late for
baby stork but he didn't come in until early in the morning. His
feathers were rumpled and unkempt. Papa stork barked, "Where the hell
were you, baby stork?" as his tired son dragged himself over the
threshold.

"Out scaring the hell out of college students," replied baby stork.





A stranger came by the other day with an offer that set me to
thinking.
He wanted to buy the old barn that sits out by the highway. I told
him
right off he was crazy. He was a city type--you could tell by his
clothes,
his car, his hands and the way he talked. He said he was driving by
and
saw that beautiful barn sitting out in the tall grass and wanted to
know
if it was for sale.

I told him he had a funny idea of beauty. Sure, it was a handsome
build-
ing in its day. But then, there's been a lot of winters pass with
their snow
and ice and howling wind. The summer sun's beat down on that old barn
'til all the paint's gone, and the wood has turned silver gray. Now
the old building leans a good deal, looking kind of tired. Yet, that
fellow called it
beautiful.

That set me to thinking. I walked out to the field and just stood
there, gaz-
ing at that old barn. The stranger said he planned to use the lumber
to
line the walls of his den in a new country home he's building down
the
road. He said you couldn't get paint that beautiful. Only years of
standing
in the weather, bearing the storms and scorching sun; only that can
prod-
uce beautiful barn wood.

It came to me then. We're a lot like that, you and I. It's only on
the inside
that the beauty grows with us. Sure, we turn silver gray too... and
lean a
bit more than we did when we were young and full of sap. But the Good
Lord knows what He's doing. And as the years pass He's busy using the
hard wealth of our lives, the dry spells and the stormy seasons, to
do a
job of beautifying our souls that nothing else can produce. And to
think
how often folks holler because they want life easy!

They took the old barn down today and hauled it away to beautify a
rich man's house. And I reckon someday you and I'll be hauled off to
Heaven
to take on whatever chores the Good Lord has for us on the Great Sky
Ranch. And I suspect we'll be more beautiful then for the seasons
we've been through here, and just maybe we'll even add a bit of
beauty to our Father's house.





How to Lie to the Bathroom Scale

1. Weigh yourself with clothes on, after dinner ... as well as in the
morning, without clothes, before breakfast, because it's nice to see
how
much weight you've lost overnight.

2. Never weigh yourself with wet hair.

3. When weighing, remove everything, including glasses. In this case,
blurred vision is an asset. Don't forget the earrings, these things
can
weigh at least a pound.

4. Use cheap scales only, never the medical kind, because they are
always five pounds off ... to your advantage.

5. Always go to the bathroom first.

6. Stand with arms raised, making pressure on the scale lighter.

7. Don't eat or drink in the morning until AFTER you've weighed in,
completely naked, of course.

8. Weigh yourself after a haircut, this is good for at least half a
pound of hair (hopefully).

9. Exhale with all your might BEFORE stepping onto the scale (air has
to weigh something, right?).

10. Start out with just one foot on the scale, then holding onto the
towel rack in front of you, slowly edge your other foot on and slowly
let off of the rack. Admittedly, this takes time, but it's worth it.
You
will weigh at least two pounds less than if you'd stepped on normally.





WHAT TIME IS IT?

On some air bases, the military is on one side of the field and
civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control
tower in the middle. One day, on just such a field, the tower
received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?"

The tower responded, "Who is calling?"

The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"

The tower replied, "It makes a lot of difference.

If you are a commercial airlines flight, it is 3 o'clock.

If you are an Air Force aircraft, it is 1500 hours.

If you are a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells.

If you are an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little
hand is on the 3.

If you are a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon.

If you are in the National Guard, it's still a couple of hours until
quitting time."




Have a good joke to share?
mailto:Firesongs_Funnies@hotmail.com?subject=joke





When I lived in a dorm, one of the favorite intramural sports
was water fights. Dousing and bombarding one another with
water from squirt guns, glasses, balloons, even wastebaskets.
Since each room had a sink, there was endless ammunition. The
most frequent target was the Resident Assistant.

Approaching his room one afternoon, he noticed his door was
ajar. Looking up, he saw a pail of water balanced on the
door's edge, ready to fall on him. As he took down the pail
and emptied it into his sink, he thought, "Those crazy guys
actually thought they could fool me with that old gag!"

It was then that he realized we'd removed the drainpipe be-
neath the sink.





When the office printer's type began to grow faint, the
office manager called a local repair shop where a friendly
man informed him that the printer probably needed only to
be cleaned. Because the store charged $50 for such cleanings,
he said, the manager might try reading the printer's manual
and doing the job himself.

Pleasantly surprised by his candor, the office manager asked,
"Does your boss know that you discourage business?"

"Actually it's my boss's idea," the employee replied. "We
usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to
fix things themselves first."


Yup that's about my luck



Before using any of these formulas, you will want to test it
on an inconspicuous spot to make sure it doesn't affect the
color or pile of the carpet...

Stain remover #1

Mix 1/2 cup of white vinegar with 1 1/2 cups of lukewarm
water. Squeeze the mixture on the spot and let stand for
2 to 3 minutes. Blot up with a clean, damp cloth, Repeat
until the stain is gone...

Stain Remover #2

Mix 1 teaspoon of mild detergent into a cup of lukewarm
water. Squeeze the mixture on the spot and gently dab
with a damp cloth or sponge. Squeeze clean water on the
area and blot up with a clean, dry cloth...

Stain Remover #3

Mix 1 tablespoon of ammonia into 3/4 cup of water. Apply
to the spot and work in with a spatula. Rinse with clean
water and blot thoroughly. Be careful with this one, it can
harm the pile if left too long and not blotted up well.





I am a very nervous flyer. During a trip from California
to Indiana, it didn't help that my connecting flight from
Denver was delayed twice because of mechanical problems.
Then, after we were aloft, I noticed the lights began
flickering.

I mentioned this to a flight attendant. "I'll take care
of it," she said. Moments later the lights went out.
Clearly she had solved the problem by turning off all
the lights.

A passenger across the aisle who had been watching me
leaned over and said, "Whatever you do, please don't
ask about the engines."


This is sad that this joke 
even had to be thought of & 
it's to close to the truth 
to be a joke.



& now your at the end of the letter, I hope that you enjoyed !

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The times on this one are 235 seconds for 28K modem,
139 seconds for 56k modem & 64 seconds for cable/dsl

thanks, David 1