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The News Letter, 020813

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By the way, on some of the pictures, if you hover your pointer over the picture, ya might find a comment from me on it,
now that I've learned how to do that.

Now its time for the show to start & I think we'll start now!!!!

Greetings Laff Lovers,

I'm writing this on Friday because I know I'm going to be too
exhausted from sheer joy after this weekend. You see, Saturday
is/was our company picnic. And although I don't drink, I know
I'm going to be wiped out from all the fun and festivities that
my wonderful coworkers have planned. In addition to enjoying
their company on a fine summer day, I am doubly blessed
because they are all bringing their children! Oh joy!

Why it was only last year that one of the little cuties came
up to me as I was sweating over the fiery grill, and said,
"This food sucks."

I looked at the little guy a bit surprised. "What?" I asked
hoping I had misunderstood.

"I said 'this food sucks. That grill sucks, and you suck.'"

A little while later that poor little guy accidentally fell in
the muddy lake and had to go home. I really missed his energy
and exuberance after he left.

I also look forward to spending time talking to my coworkers'
spouses. They are such interesting people! It's great to actually
see what kind of people they are intimate with. They make such
good choices! One year, this lady's husband actually pretended
to be an ape for the kids. He shouted and swung from the trees
until he fell, broke his ankle and had to be rushed to the
emergency room.

Yeah, another company picnic. I can't wait.



Edited by David 1, This was the opening to one of the ezines I subscribe to so I can get stuff for ya'll ta read.

GEEE what was your first clue

Little Johnny and his friends were talking about condoms in
school one day. Basically he knew where they were used and
their purpose, but not much more than that. So he decided to
go to a local drug store to buy a few in order to learn more
about them.

As to not waste too much time, he asked the pharmacist if he
had any condoms for sale. The pharmacist replied, "Why yes,
we have them three for a dollar."

Johnny replied, "I'll take three."

When the pharmacist tallied the amount the register, the
total came to one-dollar and six cents.

Johnny said, "Wait a minute, what's the six cents for? I
thought you told me they were three for a dollar."

The pharmacist replied, "That's for the tax on them."

Little Johnny said, "Oohh, I thought they stayed on by themselves."

I agree 100%



2 lbs ground beef
2 packages taco seasoning mix
16 ounces cheddar cheese, shredded
1 red onion, chopped
1 yellow onion, chopped
2 heads iceberg lettuce, chopped
4 tomatoes, chopped
2 avocados, chopped
2 green peppers, chopped
1 can black olives, chopped
1 large bag of Doritos nacho chips, crumbled
1 8-ounce bottle Catalina salad dressing

Brown ground beef with chopped yellow onion. Add 1 package
of taco seasoning and water according to package directions.
Set aside to cool completely. In a large bowl mix together
chopped lettuce, tomato, cheese, alvacado, red onion, peppers,
olives, and 2nd package of taco seasoning. Add cooled beef
mixture. Just before serving toss with the dressing and the
last step is to mix in 3/4 of the package of crushed Doritos,
leaving the rest on the side for people who want extra.
(they get soggy if you do them too early.)

Categories: Salads, Side Dishes, picnics, Parties


When you make large bowls of potato salad or any other
kind of salad that has to be kept cold, here's a neat tip.
Take a small SEALABLE tupperware type bowl (cereal bowl size)
fill it with water, seal and freeze. Now put it in the bottom
of bowl you are going to serve the potato salad in. Then pile
potato salad on top and it will keep the salad cold and safe
to eat. You can also set the salad bowl into a larger bowl
that will contain ice. The result is a nicely chilled salad.

I know mine does

Hey Owen, Is this what you think ? ?

A Sunday school teacher asked a little boy, "Bobby, do you
believe in the devil?"

"No," said the little boy. "He's just like Santa Claus. I
think it's my daddy."

SUSAN, is that you? ? ?

I know I've done a varition of this one before but it deserves repeting.
David 1

I know it's a bit long, but it's pretty good.

One evening a grandson was talking to his grandmother about
current events. The grandson asked his grandmother what she
thought about the shootings at schools, the computer age, and
just things in general.

The Grandma replied, "Well, let me think a minute. I was born
before television, penicillin, polio shots, frozen foods, Xerox,
contact lenses, Frisbees and the pill. There was no radar,
credit cards, laser beams or ball-point pens.

Man had not invented pantyhose, air conditioners, dishwashers,
clothes dryers, and the clothes were hung out to dry in the
fresh air and man hadn't yet walked on the moon.

Your Grandfather and I got married first-and then lived
together. Every family had a father and a mother. Until I was
25, I called every man older than I, 'Sir'- and after I turned
25, I still called policemen and every man with a title, 'Sir.'
We were before gay-rights, computer-dating, dual careers,
daycare centers and group therapy. Our lives were governed by
the Ten Commandments, good judgment, and common sense. We were
taught to know the difference between right and wrong and to
stand up and take responsibility for our actions. Serving your
country was a privilege; living in this country was a bigger
privilege. We thought fast food was what people ate during Lent.
Having a meaningful relationship meant getting along with your
cousins. Draft dodgers were people who closed their front doors
when the evening breeze started. Time-sharing meant time the
family spent together in the evenings and weekends-not
purchasing condominiums.

We never heard of FM radios, tape decks, CDs, electric
typewriters, yogurt, or guys wearing earrings. We listened to
the Big Bands, Jack Benny and the President's speeches on our
radios. And I don't ever remember any kid blowing his brains
out listening to Tommy Dorsey. If you saw anything with 'Made
in Japan' on it, it was junk. The term 'making out' referred
to how you did on your school exam.

Pizza Hut, McDonald's and instant coffee were unheard of. We
had five & dime stores where you could actually buy things for
5 and 10 cents. Ice-cream cones, phone calls, rides on a
streetcar and a Pepsi were all a nickel. And if you didn't want
to splurge, you could spend your nickel on enough stamps to
mail 1 letter and 2 postcards.

You could buy a new Chevy Coupe for $600 but who could afford
one? Too bad, because gas was 11 cents a gallon.

In my day, "grass" was mowed, "coke" was a cold drink, "pot"
was something your mother cooked in, and "rock music" was your
grandmother's lullaby.

"Aids" were helpers in the Principal's office, "chip" meant a
piece of wood, "hardware" was found in a hardware store, and
"software" wasn't even a word.

And we were the last generation to actually believe that a lady
needed a husband to have a baby. No wonder people call us
"old and confused" and say there is a generation gap.....

And how old do you think this grandmother is?

She is only 58 years old.

If you stand up and be counted, from time to time you may
get yourself knocked down. But remember this: A man
flattened by an opponent can get up again. A man flattened
by conformity stays down for good.
--Thomas J. Watson


Remove teddy bear from oven and preheat oven to 375. Melt 1 cup
margarine in saucepan.

Remove teddy bear from oven and tell Jr. "No, no." Add margarine to 2
cups sugar.

Take shortening can away from Jr. and clean cupboards. Measure 1/3 cup
Take shortening can away from Jr. again and bathe cat.

Apply antiseptic and bandages to scratches sustained while removing
shortening from cat's tail.

Assemble 4 eggs, 2 tsp. vanilla, and 1-1/2 cups sifted flour. Take
smoldering teddy bear from oven and open all doors and windows for

Take telephone away from Billy and assure party on the line the call was
a mistake. Call operator and attempt to have direct dialed call removed
from bill. Measure 1 tsp. salt, 1/2 cup nuts and beat all ingredients
Let cat out of refrigerator.
Pour mixture into well-greased 9x13-inch pan. Bake 25 minutes.

Rescue cat and take razor away from Billy. Explain to kids that you have
no idea if shaved cats will sunburn. Throw cat outside while there's
still time, and he's still able to run away.


Mix the following in saucepan:
1 cup sugar
1 oz unsweetened chocolate
1/4 cup margarine

Take the darn teddy bear out of the @#$% broiler and throw it away-- far

Answer the door and meekly explain to nice policeman that you didn't
know Jr. had slipped out of the house and was heading for the street.
Put Jr. in playpen. Add 1/3 cup milk, dash of salt, and boil, stirring
constantly for 2 minutes.

Answer door and apologize to neighbor for Billy having stuck a garden
hose in man's front door mail slot. Promise to pay for ruined carpet.
Tie Billy to clothesline.
Remove burned brownies from oven.

THE WIT WIZARD savagely exposes America's frauds, fools, freaks & foibles, harpoons the hypocrites and punctures the pompous with biting social satire daily or weekly...

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7 Wonders Chips

A group of students were asked to list what they thought were the present
Seven Wonders of the World. Though there was some disagreement, the
following got the most votes:

1. Egypt's Great Pyramids

2. Taj Mahal

3. Grand Canyon

4. Panama Canal

5. Empire State Building

6. St. Peter's Basilica

7. China's Great Wall

While gathering the votes, the teacher noted that one quiet student hadn't
turned in her paper yet. So she asked the
girl if she was having trouble with her list.

The girl replied,"Yes, a little. I couldn't
quite make up my mind because there were so many."

The teacher said,† "Well, tell us what you have,
and maybe we can help."

The girl hesitated, then read,
I think the Seven Wonders of the World are:

1. to see
2. to taste
3. to touch
4. to hear
She hesitated a little, and then added,

5. to feel
6. to laugh
7. and to love

The room was so full of silence you could have
heard a pin drop.

Those things we overlook
as simple and "ordinary" are truly wondrous.
A gentle reminder this year that the most precious things
in life cannot be bought.

Owen is that you behind that door ? ?

An elderly couple living in Ft. Collins, Colo., had to make
a decision. Eat ... or go without food, because of their
meager Social Security income. The answer, according to
court records, was to sell their prescription morphine to
a friend who had nearly broken her ankle. The couple, one
69 the other 60, is charged with selling the drug, on at
least three occasions, to a 45-year-old friend. The
friend died from a combination of morphine and alcohol in
her system. At the time of her death, health epidemiologists
wondered how the woman had gotten hold of morphine. They
discovered it had been sold to her by the couple. Now
Mr. and Mrs. William Cooley are charged with criminally
negligent homicide in connection with the woman's death.

Many observatories around the country are offering special
viewing to patrons through the end of the annual meteor
shower. For example, the San Francisco Chronicle reports
that the Fremont Peak Observatory in California's Fremont
Peak State Park (between Hollister and Salinas) is opening
its gates in the coming days for nightly viewing of what
should be a spectacular event. As many as a meteor-a-minute
may be visible, even to the naked eye. This year the
annual encounter with floating space dust will be a better
show because of the fact that the moon is at "low ebb" and
there will not be moonlight to overpower the show, as has
been the case in past years. Look toward the darkest parts
of the sky for the best effect. Check your local
observatory or sky-watching club for more information. Or
go to this NASA Web site: neo.jpl.nasa.gov, without using
the "www" at the start.

YOUR DAILY HOROSCOPE - Tuesday, August 13, 2002

(Sept. 23 -Oct. 23)
Today the family pulls together and you find problems drop-
ping like flies as you solve them quickly so you can get on
with the real business---making money.

(Oct. 24 - Nov. 21)
Computer problems may have thrown you behind and you spend
much time catching up. Today all your people skills are in
place and activated as you deal with employees and their
problems as related to their work.

(Nov. 22 -Dec. 21)
Best not to take all the credit and that way you will not
be taking all the blame. Sometimes running the show is not
what it is cracked up to be. Especially when the show
starts to have problems.

(Dec 22.- Jan. 19)
You can expect insincere gestures of friendliness today.
Your partner may make you feel jealous and unloved.
Rather than making a scene, communicate quietly about
the way you feel.

(Jan. 20 -Feb. 18)
Think twice before you say something you might regret
later. Someone important may be watching you from afar.
Do not trust others with important information.

(Feb. 19-Mar. 20)
Heart to heart talks will clear up vague issues. You can
work in conjunction with those in the know in order to
get to the bottom of any pending issue. You can convince
anyone of anything.

These interpretations are based on the aspects and positions of
the planets in relation to each Sun-sign. They are intended to
indicate the general mood and issues of the day as you experience
them. Be creative in applying your forecast to the actual
circumstances of your life.††††† ---

By Michael Thiessen - Professional Astrologer, Astrology Online
††††††† http://www.astrology-online.com/zodiac.htm

Yeah Evesdropper & Bad Habbit


Vernon Dalhart recorded "The Prisoner's Song," country
music's first million seller, 1924.

Ernest Tubb recorded "A Woman Has Wrecked Many A Good
Man," 1947.

Dan Fogelberg born in Peoria, Ill., 1951.

Joe Tex (born Joseph Arrington Jr.) died of a heart attack
in Navasota, Texas, 1982.

Willie Nelson: Ready to Run?

Willie Nelson hosts the Farm Aid 10K run in Austin, Texas,
on Aug. 25. The race starts at 8 a.m. at Auditorium Shores.
Local country singers Cory Morrow and Kevin Fowler take
the stage at noon. At 6 p.m., Nelson performs a two-hour
set, followed by a free, exclusive premiere of the PBS
documentary, Willie Nelson: Still is Still Moving. Visit
www.willies10k.com for prices.

Adkins to Host Honky-Tonk Documentary

CMT will debut a new documentary, Honky-Tonk Sound, on
Friday (Aug. 16) at 8 p.m. ET/PT. Trace Adkins will host
the two-hour special, which includes performance clips
from Willie Nelson and Merle Haggard, among many others
traditionalists. The documentary also visits three of
Texasís most celebrated honky-tonk bars -- The Broken
Spoke in Austin, Gruene Hall in Gruene, and Billy Bobís
in Fort Worth -- as well as The Cowboy Palace in
Southern California.

Because I was delivering Door
Store & they were in the way !
Any other dumb questions ? ?

YOUR DAILY HOROSCOPE - Wednesday, August 14, 2002

(Mar. 21- April 20)
A financial matter should be resolved today and the results
will be just what you wanted. Your friendships could bring
you some unexpected benefits before the day is over.

(Apr. 20- may 20)
Today should be very productive on the job for you as you
put forth new ideas with enthusiasms and logic. Later on
in the day you may be met with open opposition from some-
one who has been in competition with you.

(May 21-June 21)
You should be hearing good news from someone close. A
teenager or a child is showing some positive improvements
in the academic arena and this gives you a feeling of
happiness that hangs in there all day.

( June 22-July 22)
You come up with a lucky break today where your job is
concerned; just when you thought everything was lost
providence steps in and takes a stand. Tonights dreams
will be extremely entertaining.

(July 23-Aug 22)
Take a loved one out to dinner, you will both benefit.
Your career is right on the money today. Remember though,
you do not have to reinvent the wheel, sometimes the
easy way really is the best way.

(Aug. 23 -Sept. 22)
Financing is easy for you to come by today, so take some
time to get that chore in hand. This is a fine day for
getting organized and planning the completion of your project.

(Sept. 23 -Oct. 23)
Tonight may bring a change of plans in you pleasure
pursuits but you will find that it is for something
even better. If a lover or a spouse seems preoccupied
today it would be best to let them alone until he or
she is ready to confide in you.

(Oct. 24 - Nov. 21)
You may be fighting a bad mood today but you will be
able to keep it out of sight so it does not show at
work. Your problems with a loved one should be over
soon, thus alleviating your blue mood.

(Nov. 22 -Dec. 21)
Life just got better when you hear that a certain person
is back in town. A friend who turns you on to a proposi-
tion may not realize that it is worthless, and may even
give you the hard sell, do both of you a favor and check
it out thoroughly before you leap into it.

(Dec 22.- Jan. 19)
Curb any jealous fits if your partner has been flirting
with someone else. You can't lock your partner up and
if you keep restricting their freedom you may be left
out in the cold.

(Jan. 20 -Feb. 18)
You will have to be careful not to let others find out
about your intentions. Don't let someone try to bully
you into doing things their way. Use your head and do
things to your liking.

(Feb. 19-Mar. 20)
You manage to make it through a very hectic day and find
the spouse has planned some quiet entertainment for the
evening and you are ready to relax. While your finances
are looking up, you will find some unexpected expenses.

These interpretations are based on the aspects and positions of
the planets in relation to each Sun-sign. They are intended to
indicate the general mood and issues of the day as you experience
them. Be creative in applying your forecast to the actual
circumstances of your life.††††† ---

By Michael Thiessen - Professional Astrologer, Astrology Online
††††††† http://www.astrology-online.com/zodiac.htm

OHHHH GOD, I know this feeling

Good Questions?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze
these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out"?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible
crisp which no decent human being would eat?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Why does goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're
both dogs!

Why ARE Trix only for kids?

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn't
he just buy dinner?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same

from:† Bob

The most comprehensive humor archive.
100's of Jokes, 1000's of JPG's/GIF's,†
Sound clips, Video Clips and PARODY SONGS


An Italian and a Jew went to a restaurant. After a hearty meal, the
waitress came by with the inevitable check. To the amazement of all,
the Italian was heard to say, "I'll pay it!" and he actually did.

The next morning's newspaper carried the news item:
"Jewish Ventriloquist Found Murdered in Blind Alley"

& now your at the end of the letter, I hope that you enjoyed !


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thanks, David 1