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The News Letter, 020813-1








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By the way, on some of the pictures, if you hover your pointer over the picture, ya might find a comment from me on it,
now that I've learned how to do that.



Now its time for the show to start & I think we'll start now!!!!





One afternoon this guy drives down a highway to visit a nearby lake and
relax.  On his way to the lake, a guy dressed from head to toe in red
standing on the side of the highway gestures for him to stop.

The guy rolls down the window and says, "How can I help you?"

"I am the red jerk of the highway. You got something to eat?"

With a smile in his face, the guy hands a sandwich to the guy in
red and drives away.  Not even five minutes later, he comes across
another guy.  This guy is dressed fully in yellow, standing on the
side and waving for him to stop.

A bit irritated, our guy stops, cranks down the window, and says,
"What can I do for you?"

"I am the yellow jerk of the highway.  You got something to drink?"

Hardly managing to smile this time, he hands the guy a can of Coke
and stomps on the pedal and takes off again.  In order to make it to
the lakeside before sunset, he decides to go faster and not stop no
matter what.

To his frustration, he sees another guy on the side of the road, this
one dressed in blue and signaling for him to stop.  Reluctantly, our
guy decides to stop one last time, rolls down his window, and yells,
"Let me guess.  You're the blue jerk of the highway, and just what
do YOU want?"

"Driver's license and registration, please."






A sergeant was passing the barracks after lights out,
when he heard some voices from inside. He slammed
open the door, and shouted: Listen, you guys! A few
minutes ago, you all heard me say good night. What you
must realize, is that when I say "Good Night," what I
really mean is "Shut the f&%k up!!!"
 
The room instantly fell silent. But after a few
seconds, a small voice could be heard from somewhere
in the far back of the dark room:
 
"Good Night, Sergeant"






MURPHY'S LAWS OF COMBAT
Classic

If your sergeant can see you, so can the enemy.

If the enemy is within range, so are you.

Incoming fire always has the right of way.

What can be seen can be hit, what can be hit can be killed.

There is no such thing as an atheist in a firefight.

Friendly fire -- isn't.

Recoilless rifles -- aren't.

Suppressive fires -- don't.

Interchangeable parts -- aren't.

The best way is never the easy way.

The easy way is always mined.

No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection.

There is no such thing as a perfect plan.

Sniper's motto: "Reach out and touch someone."

Sniper's philosophy: "If you run, you'll only die tired."

You are not Superman (Marines and fighter pilots take note).

Professionals are predictable, it's the amateurs that are dangerous.

The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions:

     a. when you're ready for them.

     b. when you're not ready for them.

Never draw fire, it irritates everyone around you.

The buddy system is essential to your survival -- it gives the enemy
someone else to shoot at.

Never share a fighting position with anyone braver than yourself.

Anything you do can get you shot, including doing nothing.

If you can't remember, then the Claymore is pointed at you.

The enemy diversion you have been ignoring is the main attack.

If your advance is going really well, you are walking into an ambush.

When you have secured an area, don't forget to tell the enemy.

If it's stupid but it works, it isn't stupid.

If at first you don't succeed, call in an airstrike.

When in doubt, empty your magazine.

No matter which way you have to march, it's always uphill.

Tracers work both ways.

The bursting radius of a hand grenade is always one foot greater than
the distance you can jump.

Never forget that your weapon was made by the lowest bidder.

Military intelligence is a contradiction of terms.

Peace is our profession -- mass murder's just a hobby.

If you can keep your head while those around you are losing theirs, you
may have misjudged the
situation.

Whenever you lose contact with the enemy, look behind you.

The quartermaster has only two sizes, too large and too small.





  A farmer in the country noticed that a
gentleman would fish at the lake (close
to the farmer's house) and would always
leave with a stringer full of fish.  The
fellow had a boat but a fishing pole was
not to be seen.
The farmer mentioned the situation to the
lake ranger.  The ranger then started
watching this man and all that the farmer
said was true!  The man would arrive at
the lake in the morning and by early
afternoon, he had a stringer full of fish.
The ranger dressed like a fisherman one
day and approached the man.  They exchanged
pleasantries and the stranger asked the
ranger in disguise to come fish with him.
They boated for 45 minutes and arrived at
a secluded spot.  The stranger then pulled
out a stick of dynamite.
Ranger:  "I'm going to have to place you
under arrest - I am a Ranger and you are
fishing illegally!"
The stranger calmly lit the stick of
dynamite and handed it to the ranger.
Stranger:  "Are you gonna talk or fish?"





"What's the usual tip?" a man growled when,
Jason, a college boy delivered his pizza.

"Well," Jason replied, "this is my first
delivery, but the other guys said if I got
a quarter out of you, I'd be doing great."

"Is that so?" grunted the man.  "In that
case, here's five dollars."

"Thanks," Jason said, "I'll put it in my
college fund."

"By the way, what are you studying?" 
questioned the man.

Jason replied, "Applied psychology."





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His/Her Driving Directions


HER DIRECTIONS:
80....(SF)....just after the weight station near cordelia(i
think) will be  an exit for 14...Sonoma and Napa....take
it.....follow it all the way  thru.....till you end up in
fairfield...there is a signal next to...a Beer joint i think it
is....i don't know...but you merge to the right which turns into
a lil 2 lane freeway dealy....go thru the signal...go over the
bridge thing....then when you get to the next signal....make a
left to go to death vally....you'll be on Carneros Hwy....then
you will come to a sort of dead end with a blinking red
light....turn right....the road will give you a choice to go
straight or veer right.....VEER RIGHT. stay on this road till
yousee a buncha power stuff...ya know, those big metal
thingamajigs....there will be a stop sign...you can either go
straight or turn right on Lincoln ...well...turn right....follow
that to the end....its kinda a long way....you will hit old
bluewood hwy....turn right on old bluewood.....follow it
down...past the 8ball (a bar that will show up on the right)...

HIS DIRECTIONS:

80 West
Exit 14
Exit 121 (Left at Light)
Exit 116 (Veer right)
RT Lincoln Road
RT Old bluewood
RT Myrtle
RT Lancster
RT Lassen St





Save your marriage...

It clearly hasn't worked out for me, but
you may fare better if you follow the
Guys' Secret Checklist for a Happy
Relationship/Marriage:

1. It is important to find a woman who
 cooks and cleans.

2. It is important to find a woman who
 makes good money.

3. It is important to find a woman who
 likes to have sex.

4. It is important that these three
 women never meet.





A reporter was doing a story on gender roles
in Kuwait several years before the Gulf War.
She noted then that women customarily walked
about 10 feet behind their husbands.
She returned to Kuwait recently and observed
that the men now walked several yards behind
their wives.
The reporter approached one of the women and
said, "This is marvellous. Can you tell the
free world just what enabled women here to
achieve this reversal of roles?"
"Land mines," said the Kuwaiti woman.





An elderly woman decided to have her portrait
painted.
She told the artist: "Paint me with diamond
ear-rings, a diamond necklace, emerald
bracelets, a ruby broach and a gold Rolex."
The confused artist said: "But you're not
wearing any of those things."
"I know," she said. "But if I die before my
husband, I'm sure my husband will remarry.
And I want his new wife to go crazy looking
for the jewellery."





The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel
mike, and as he preached, he moved briskly
about the platform, jerking the mike cord as
he went.

Then he moved to one side, getting wound up
in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking
it again. After several circles and jerks, a
little girl in the third pew leaned toward her
mother and whispered, "If he gets loose, will he hurt us?"





When I was a medical student my 'Firm' was
about to start our psychiatry rotation. On
the first day we turned up on the Psychiatric
ward a bit worried about how we may find it,
having heard rumours as you do.
We were quite relieved when the Registrar,
Dr Smith, introduced himself and took us into
the teaching room to tell us about all the
patients on the ward; he did a good job.
Unfortunately our fears returned after 1/2
hour when the proper registrar arrived and
introduced us to *Dr Smith* who was infact
one of the patients himself..





A really huge muscular guy with a bad
stutter goes to a counter in a department
store and asks, "W-w-w-where`s the
m-m-m-men`s dep-p-p-partment?"

The clerk behind the counter just looks
at him and says nothing.

The man repeats himself: "W-w-w-where`s
the m-m-m-men`s dep-p-p-partment?" Again,
the clerk doesn`t answer him.

The guy asks several more times:
"W-w-w-where`s the m-m-m-men`s
dep-p-p-partment?"

And the clerk just seems to ignore him.
Finally, the guy is angry and storms off.

The customer who was waiting in line
behind the guy asks the clerk, "why
wouldn`t you answer that guy's question?"

The clerk answers, "D-d-d-do you
th-th-th-think I w-w-w-want to get
b-b-b-beaten up?!!"





A man goes into a pet shop and tells the
owner that he wants to buy a pet that can
do everything. The shop owner suggests a
faithful dog.

The man replies, "Come on, a dog?"

The owner says, "How about a cat?"

The man replies, "No way! A cat certainly
can't do everything. I want a pet that can
do everything!"

The shop owner thinks for a minute, then
says, "I've got it! A centipede!"

The man says, "A centipede? I can't imagine
a centipede doing everything, but okay,
I'll try a centipede."

He gets the centipede home and says to the
centipede, "Clean the kitchen."

Thirty minutes later, he walks into the
kitchen and it's immaculate! All the dishes
and silverware have been washed, dried, and
put away; the counter-tops cleaned; the
appliances sparkling; the floor waxed. He's
absolutely amazed.

He says to the centipede, "Go clean the
living room."

Twenty minutes later, he walks into the
living room. The carpet has been vacuumed;
the furniture cleaned and dusted; the pillows
on the sofa plumped; plants watered. The man
thinks to himself,
"This is the most amazing thing I've ever
seen. This really is a pet that can do
everything!"

Next he says to the centipede, "Run down to
the corner and get me a newspaper."

The centipede walks out the door. 10 minutes
later...no centipede.
20 minutes later... no centipede. 30 minutes
later...no centipede.
By this point the man is wondering what's
going on. So he goes to the front door, opens
it... and there's the centipede sitting right
outside the door.

The man says, "Hey! I sent you down to the
corner store 45 minutes ago to get me a
newspaper. What's the matter?"

The centipede says, "I'm going, I'm going, I'm just putting on my shoes!"





& now your at the end of the letter, I hope that you enjoyed !

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The times on this one are 244 seconds for 28K modem,
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thanks, David 1