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The News Letter, 020812








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By the way, on some of the pictures, if you hover your pointer over the picture, ya might find a comment from me on it,
now that I've learned how to do that.



Now its time for the show to start & I think we'll start now!!!!





"We must believe in luck. For how else can we explain the
success of those we don't like?"

 --Jean Cocteau, (1889-1963) The French poet, writer, artist, and film maker.


Yup that's me in the boat.



Patient: Doctor, I have a pretty bad sore throat.
Doctor: Go in the next room and disrobe, please.
Patient: But doctor, it's just my throat!
Doctor: Who's the doctor here? Please just go into the next
        room and disrobe.

So the man goes into the next room where he sees another man
sitting down in his shorts with a box in his lap.

As the first man is getting undressed he starts up a conver-
sation, "Can you imagine that doctor? I've got a sore throat
and he tells me to undress!"

The second man answers, "What are you complaining about? I
only came in here to deliver a package."





George W. Bush was campaigning for re-election
at a old age retirement home. He approached a
woman, shook her hand and inquired,
"Do you know who I am?"
"No," replied the old woman, "But if you go to
the front desk, they'll tell you!"


Yeah I like beans



Watching her mother as she tried on her new
fur coat, young Jackie said unhappily, "Mom,
do you realise some poor dumb beast suffered
so you could have that?"

The woman shot her an angry look, "Jackie,
how dare you talk about your father like
that!"





For the record, I like #7 the best on this next one
& yes I believe it's possible (LOL)

Comprehending Engineers-Take One

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." So the first engineer said he took the bike . The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

Comprehending Engineers - Take Two

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Comprehending Engineers-Take Three

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!" The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him." "Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow,
aren't they?" The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group was silent for a moment.
The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."  The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"


Comprehending Engineers-Take Four

What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build targets.

Comprehending Engineers-Take Five

The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with an Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

Comprehending Engineers-Take Six

Normal people ... believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

Comprehending Engineers-Take Seven

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.  The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.  The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because the passion and mystery he found there.  The engineer said, "I like both." Both?" Engineer:  "Yeah. If you have a wife and a
mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done."

Comprehending Engineers - Take Eight

An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then
cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a
girlfriend, but a talking frog...that's cool."




NOW I just totally 
agree with this



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I wish that was possible



BUT DID IT TEACH HIM A LESSON?
In Lajitas, Texas, the talk is all about what happened to
Mayor Clay Henry III -- who was elected mayor in 2000 but
didn't make news again until this summer, when one of the
town folk allegedly castrated him. Officials say the mayor
is doing fine now, and Jim Bob Hargrove faces trial in
connection with the assault. The charge would be animal
cruelty -- since Henry is a goat. Yep, in Lajitas they
have a modern tradition of electing goats as mayor. It's
okay, because the office is strictly ceremonial. Henry
and his immediate predecessors -- Clay Henry I and Clay
Henry Jr. -- are best known for their ability to drink
all the free beer the town can provide them. Actually,
that's where the trouble allegedly started. According
to ABC News, Hargrove set upon Clay III in a fit of
jealousy, because the animal was drinking beer on a
Sunday --when local blue laws prevented the sale of
alcohol to Hargrove and other humans. Eyewitnesses
told police Hargrove muttered: "You know I ought to go
castrate that goat." Brewster County Sheriff Ronny
Dodson said the goat was found the next morning missing
the family jewels. Local ranchers sutured the wounds and
Henry made a full recovery. He is expected to serve out
the remainder of his term.




AAAAMMMMEEENNN



FROM THE LAME EXCUSES TO LAW ENFORCEMENT FOLK FILES
****************************************************

Many years ago I was employed as a correction officer at the Jefferson
County Jail in Louisville, Ky. The Corrections Department was charged
with the responsibility for conducting Breathalyzer tests on person
charged with drunk driving.

As you can well imagine, over the course of time I had occasion to
hear some real doozies of excuses for not giving a breath sample, but
the classic of all time happened when the police brought in a subject
(obviously well-pickled) who nonetheless cooperated fully during the
preliminary interview and physical tests. Then the moment of truth
came when I asked him to blow into the machine.

"Officer," said the subject, "I'd love to blow into yer machine there,
I truly would. But I just had an operation to have my lungs removed."

I kid you not!



--> Are you in law enforcement?  Do you have any excuses we'd love to
hear about?
  Send them to: DumbExcuses@BoneheadOfTheDayAward.com

Let me know how you want the entry credited to you, if at all.


NOT quite so sure that's luck


FROM "MEN WHO CAN'T BUY GIFTS" FILES
**********************************************************

Three years ago, on my birthday, my (then) fiancé gave me a bear with
a watch around its neck. I took off the watch and found that it was a
used watch. He admitted that it was a watch he had purchased for his
ex wife! I never wore it and he eventually bought me a new watch for
the following Christmas...(complete with price tag still intact). His
second mistake? He bought me a $55 watch, but the one he bought his
wife was a $250!!! Needless to say.... that citizen watch is for sale
on ebay right now!!! And that guy is LONG GONE!




--> Did your beau give you a gift we should all know about?
  Send me an Email to Clueless@BoneheadOfTheDayAward.com





Sliced fruit will not turn brown and will look fresher if you
place the slices in a bowl of cool water that has 2 vitamin
C tablets dissolved in the bowl of water.





A student was heading home for the holidays. When she got to
the airline counter, she presented her ticket to New York.
As she gave the agent her luggage, she made the remark, "I'd
like you to send my green suitcase to Hawaii, and my red
suitcase to London."

The confused agent said, "I'm sorry, we can't do that."

"Really??? I am so relieved to hear you say that because
that's exactly what you did to my luggage last year!"





Most people hate to parallel park. The other day, I saw
this woman trying to get out of a tight parking space. She'd
bump the car in front, then back-up and strike the car behind
her. This went on about 2 minutes.

I walked over to see if I could somehow help. My offer was
declined though. She said, "Why have bumpers if you're not
going to use them once in a while?"


My personal favorite one.


Just about all my life I belonged to the Reformed Lutheran
Church. When I married my wife, I converted to her church.
In order to do so, I had to attend classes.

At the first session, the minister conducting the class
said, "What must we do before we can expect forgiveness
from God?" I replied, perhaps too quickly... "Sin?"





Yup, I know this feeling, DON'T I Susan !

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending
divorce, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in
the middle of the property."

"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"

"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my
husband's parents."

He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"

"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never
really needed one."

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your
marriage?"

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't
necessarily like the music, but the answer to your question
is 'yes'."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

"Yes," she responded, "most days he gets up earlier than I
do."

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you
want a divorce?"

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I never wanted a
divorce. It's husband. He says he can't communicate with me."





FCC CHANGES DIGITAL DEADLINE
A lot of TV stations don't want to go digital. Doing so,
for some, means it will take more power to reach the same
audience. In several major cities, when the initial
paperwork and engineering were done to see if there would
any difference in the "pattern" of digital signals
compared with the current analog system of transmission,
it was found that some TV stations would actually lose
part of their over-the-air audience. Additionally, many
makers of TV sets have been slow to get moving because
they realize that consumers will be faced with higher
price tags, just at a time when sets are becoming more
affordable and things are going "wide screen." In light
of all of this, the Federal Communications Commission
has issued a new directive -- distributed to national
media -- essentially telling the television makers to
"get the lead out" and proceed with the changeover.
The new ruling, released Thursday, means that companies
will have to start producing digital receiving sets,
full tilt, by 2007.





& now your at the end of the letter, I hope that you enjoyed !

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The times on this one are 226 seconds for 28K modem,
134 seconds for 56k modem & 62 seconds for cable/dsl

thanks, David 1