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By the way, on some of the pictures, if you hover your pointer over the picture, ya might find a comment from me on it,
now that I've learned how to do that.



Now its time for the show to start & I think we'll start now!!!!





JUDGE CLEARS DOWNEY OF DRUG CHARGES

A California judge has ruled actor Robert Downey Jr. has
successfully completed one year of rehab stemming from
his arrest on drug charges in November 2000. Prosecutors
tried to convince Riverside County Superior Court Judge
Randall White to extend Downey's probation for six more
months for additional treatment. White said he was satis-
fied with Downey's progress and declared his probation
period complete. Downey, 37, was sentenced last July to
three years probation after pleading no contest to fel-
ony cocaine possession and a misdemeanor count of being
under the influence. Downey had been out of prison just
three months when he was arrested in Palm Springs in
2000, and he was charged in April 2001 in another drug
case that cost him his role in Fox TV's "Ally McBeal."





KEITH'S 'UNLEASHED' ALBUM UNLEASHED IN STORES

Toby Keith's long-awaited "Unleashed" album was released
Tuesday but not before one of its controversial songs hit
the top of the Billboard country singles chart. "Courtesy
of the Red, White and Blue (The Angry American)," made it
to No. 1 after the July 4 holiday and has since slipped
to No. 2 in 10 weeks on the chart. The new Charlie Daniels
Band album, "Redneck Fiddlin' Man," also released Tuesday,
lives up to its name with songs about Dixie, barbeque,
"Sweet Home Alabama" and Dale Earnhardt. There also are
guest appearances by Garth Brooks and Travis Tritt.





FARM AID SET FOR SEPT. 21

This year's Farm Aid benefit show is slated for Sept. 21
at Burgettstown, Pa., near Pittsburgh. Founders Willie
Nelson, John Mellencamp, Neil Young and new board member
Dave Matthews are scheduled to perform. Since its incep-
tion, Farm Aid has raised $16 million for organizations
in 44 states. Ticket information is not yet available.
The concert will be carried live by Country Music Television.





THE BONEHEAD AWARDS
*****************************

Today we bestow THREE bonehead awards!


Lions and Tigers and morons!  Oh My!

Bonehead award one goes to a woman in Chile, Mario Eugenia Berrios, as
well as the producer's of the Chilean TV show, Chile Tu Day, and the
owner of a Chilean circus.

Ms. Berrios, for a chance to win a car, accepted the show's challenge
to spend three minutes in a circus cage with two lions and two tigers
AND stroke one of the animals.  Too bad they didn't get an agreement
from the tigers beforehand; the tiger did not like her trying to
stroke it.  She's now recovering at the hospital with serious injuries
to her legs and head from tiger bites.  The circus owner has been
arrested for negligence.

Ananova 19-Jul-02
http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_632764.html


--------------------------------------


The Stupids take the family to a barbecue.

Bonehead award two goes to a group of Salem, Oregon people, two of
whom were arrested for reckless endangerment, on their way to a
barbecue, according to police who said they found 12 people crammed
into the car, four of them being children who were placed together
inside the trunk because they ran out of room in the car.  According
to the Emergency Room doctor the children could have died from heat
stroke or suffocation.

KMED 1440 AM Radio (Medford, Oregon) 22-Jul-02
http://kmed.com/jacor-common/local_news_common.html?ID=20020724095147&
feed=local
or
http://tinyurl.com/u8a

Bonehead award three, a "too dumb to be a criminal" bonehead award
goes to a Gainesville, Florida, car thief who was caught during his
attempt to steal a car because he couldn't figure out how to unlock
the car doors from the inside of the car he was trying to steal and so
remained trapped until police arrived.

And what says Alachua County sheriff's spokesman Sgt. Keith Faulk?

He said that he's never seen anything this dumb in his 19 years of law
enforcement.  "Maybe needs a new line of work.  He's not very good at
what he's doing now."

Gainesville Sun (Gainseville, Florida) 19-Jul-02
http://www.sunone.com/articles/2002-07-19e.shtml





***             WEIRD EXTRAS                  ***
*** Stories without comment (well, sometimes) ***
*************************************************


You know that new home I bought the other day?  Well, guess what?  I
ran into one the previous occupants.

A man, checking through the house he recently bought to see what
repairs would be needed, opened a closet door and found the body of a
woman wrapped in a blanket, just after he commented to his friend, "it
smells like something died up here."

Democrat and Chronicle (Rochester, NY) 20-Jul-02
http://democratandchronicle.com/news/0720story055016_news.shtml


------------------------------------------

A Korean man sent form letters to 250 randomly selected Korean
corporate executives claiming to have evidence of their adulterous
behavior and threatening to go public with his evidence unless they
sent him a million won.  9 executives sent him the money before his
arrest for extortion.

The executives who paid said they did so, not because they were having
affairs, but to prevent bad publicity.

Korean Herald 22-Jul-02
http://www.koreaherald.co.kr/SITE/data/html_dir/2002/06/28/20020628004
1.asp
or
http://tinyurl.com/u8l





FROM THE LAME EXCUSES TO LAW ENFORCEMENT FOLK FILES
****************************************************

While driving the speed limit in an unmarked patrol car between towns
in far West Texas I was passed by a motorist.  Not only was he
speeding but he was reading a book while he was driving.  He said he
was reading the book because he was bored and forgot to pay attention
to how fast he was driving.

West Texas Deputy Sheriff



--> Are you in law enforcement?  Do you have any excuses we'd love to
hear about?
  Send them to: DumbExcuses@BoneheadOfTheDayAward.com

Let me know how you want the entry credited to you, if at all.



**********************************************************
FROM "MEN WHO CAN'T BUY GIFTS" FILES
**********************************************************

My ex-husband was SOOOO bad that on our first anniversary, he gave me
a cheap electric can opener.  That was at the end of November.   Then,
for our very first Christmas together, just one month later, he gave
me a card with an IOU in it for a Guinea Pig.  That's not QUITE as bad
as it sounds, as I LOVE the little things and DID want one.   But
later, when I mislaid the IOU, he REFUSED to cash in!  "sorry dear, if
you don't have the IOU, then I don't owe it to you anymore."




--> Did your beau give you a gift we should all know about?
  Send me an Email to Clueless@BoneheadOfTheDayAward.com


***************************************************
FROM THE "LOOK WHAT I HAVE TO PUT UP WITH" FILES
***************************************************

When I was a shop supervisor at the Naval Submarine Base in Kings Bay,
Ga., I had a sailor one night who, using a government computer,
plugged into a government phone line, and logged onto an non-secured
chat room.  This in itself is a felony.

To make matters worse, he proceeded to talk to his division officer
for two hours, printed it all out, then logged onto a porn site,
downloaded a bunch of porn, copied it onto a floppy, then left the
floppy and all the paper with the conversations on it right at his
desk, where I found it the next morning.

When we checked, we determined that he had violated at least 7 federal
laws, each carrying a maximum penalty of 10 years in prison and a
$20,000 fine!



-->Who do you put up with? We want to know.
   Write to: WhatIPutUpWith@BoneheadOfTheDayAward.com


Now this feeling I REALLY know ! !



AN ELDERLY, widowed client of the attorney I work for became
engaged to a widower. On their wedding day, the two came in
to have new wills drawn up. At the conclusion of their
appointment, the inner-office door opened and I heard the
woman say, "I never thought I'd get married again, but it
got awfully lonely after my second cat died."

-- Contributed to Reader's Digest "All In a Day's Work" by
Linda L. Paddock




Have a good joke to share?
mailto:Firesongs_Funnies@hotmail.com?subject=joke





I WAS GOING AWAY for a few days and left my husband a list
of chores. For fun, I put down as Item 5: Think about your
wife a lot.
     After I returned, my husband proudly reported that he
had completed every job. When I saw the list, however, each
item except No. 5 had been crossed off. "What's this!" I
exclaimed. "Didn't you think about me while I was gone?"
     My chagrin vanished when he replied cheerfully, "I
started to, but just never finished."

-- Contributed to Reader's Digest "Life In These United States" by Joan Nowak





Doctors say men run the risk of injuring themselves when they take
off
a woman's bra.

A report in a medical journal says one patient suffered major
ligament
damage and a fracture to one of his fingers while completing the
task.
The man ended up with his finger in a splint for three weeks after
pick-
ing up the injury.

It also says surveys show 40% of men in their 30s and 40s have prob-
lems removing bras.

It adds a recent test found men spent an average of 27 seconds taking
them off using both hands.

The article, which will be in the August issue of the British Journal
of Plas-
tic Surgery, says right-handed men using their left hand took an
average
of 58 seconds, while one unfortunate volunteer took 20 minutes!





THE  OLD  GENTLEMAN  WITH  THE STRING  BAG

I often saw him as I walked down the avenue to town. He was
such a dear old gentleman. I liked his well-fitting tweed suit and
the jaunty angle of his hat. I liked his shining silver hair and the
proud way he carried himself. His eyes were blue and twinkly
and his cheeks were rosy and clean shaven.

He often took nuts from his pocket to reward the squirrels when
they ran to him and sat up with supplicating paws. Sometimes
he would turn, look up at Table Mountain and smile as if greeting
an old friend and occasionally he would stop before the old mag-
nolia tree which stands near the entrance to the "Gardens" and
gently stroke the bark as if to thank it for being there.

I would never have noticed him at first if he had not been carrying
a string bag. I hate the things! They sag and droop and the more
you put into them the longer they get - until they almost touch the
ground, and they swing about and can trip you up if you are not
careful.

I had seen lots of string bags in my time but never such an awful
specimen as this one. It was a garish yellow, quite obvious home-
made - and badly at that ,as the mesh was uneven. Some of the
holes were so large I could not imagine why the old man would
think the bag could hold anything safe in it, and the handles were
odd and of different thickness.

I would have been ashamed to carry a bag like that and I could
not think why the old man did not hide the ugly thing in his
pocket.  
But he strode along swinging it from his hand as if it were a cher-
ished, silver-topped Malacca cane. If he ever noticed the amused
glances of the passers-by, he gave no sign.

I began to wait for him on my daily walk, and somehow the day
was not quite the same if I did not see him striding ahead of me,
dangling that awful string bag and turning to greet the mountain
or patting the trunk of the old magnolia tree.

I used to speculate upon the origin of that yellow horror. Had he
made it himself or had a loved grandchild laboriously crocheted
it as a surprise gift? Was he a widower who had to shop for him-
self, and if so why on earth did his family buy him a bag like
that?  
Why not a decent shopping bag? But perhaps he had no family.  
He did not look poor. Surely he could have found a bag more in
keeping with his appearance instead of that ridiculous-looking
yellow thing?  

Then later I found myself thinking furiously, "He does not look
ridiculous! He is a lovely old gentleman and if he wants to carry
a funny string bag, why shouldn't he?" And I would glare at any-
one I saw casting amused glances in his direction.

One day I had an idea. I would buy a neat black string bag and
keep it in my pocket until I could find a way of making his acquain-
tance, after which I would give it to him and we laugh gaily as I
threw his old one into the litter-basket. Then we would walk off
together and I would ask him to tell me why he stroked the bark
of the old magnolia, and then we would go our separate ways,
happy in the knowledge that we were friends.

In one of the stores I found what I was looking for - a beautifully-
made, black string bag. I bought it and carried if with me every
day, awaiting my chance to speak to the old gentleman. Late one
afternoon, as I entered the almost deserted avenue, I saw him
ahead of me, walking slowly. The string bag, filled to bursting
point, was nearly touching the ground. His eyes were fixed upon
the mountain and he was quite oblivious of the trail of red toma-
toes escaping from one of the gaping holes in the bag.

"This is it!" I told myself exultantly and I hurried after him gather-
ing up the tomatoes as I ran, calling him to stop. He turned and
looked at me in astonishment as I came towards him, my cupped
hands full of tomatoes, the squashed ones dripping seeded pulp
over my best gloves. Then he glanced down at his bag and his
blue eyes twinkled with amusement as he took in the situation.

"Dear me, and I never noticed, " he said. "There was I gazing up
at the mountain while my poor tomatoes were dropping to the
ground! But oh, just look at your gloves!" All concern now, he
hurried me to a nearby seat trying to take tomatoes, hold onto
the string bag and wipe my gloves with his handkerchief all at
the same time. It was so absurd that we burst out laughing,
then, as I took his bag and tried to find a safer place to bestow
his fruit, he remarked, "I wonder how much of my shopping I
should have lost if you had not so fortunately been behind me."

"You need another bag," I answered gaily. "This thing is a per-
fect horror."

He inspected it gravely and then said, "Magnolia - my wife -
used...used to make those. She knitted and crocheted the most
beautiful things." He seemed to sense the query  in my eyes. 
"She had an accident and was in hospital for along time. She
fretted because she could not knit or crochet and then one day
her nurse suggested that she should try, as therapy, to make a
string bag for me as I was always dropping the parcels to her.  

"She brightened up after that and when I was able to take her
home, she proudly gave me this bag. 'Nurse said I made it beau-
tifully. Do you think so?' she asked. 'It is the loveliest bag you
have ever made,' I told her, and I meant it because of the love
and faith which went into its making.'"

The old gentleman rose, gathered up the yellow string bag and
looked up to the mountain. "You see, the accident left her blind."  
Then he raised his hat and walked away. It was growing dark
and the leaves of the oak trees sighed and rustled as a tiny
breeze crept through them. I shivered a little. There was a litter-
basket beside me, and into it dropped a mean little crumpled
black ball.



Have a Moving Moment to share? Send it to
mailto:Firesongs_Funnies@hotmail.com?subject=MOMENT





I think this boy is from the Tennessee hill country...
   A Letter Home From a New Recruit at Boot Camp

  Dear Ma and Pa:

  Am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Army
beats   working for Old Man Minch a mile. Tell them to join up quick
before maybe all the places are filled.

  I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly
6 a.m.,
  but am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you
do
  before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things -- no
hogs to   slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to
lay.
  Practically nothing. You got to shave, but it is not bad in warm
water.

  Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs,
bacon,
  etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, beef, ham steak, fried
  eggplant, pie and regular food. But tell Walt and Elmer you can
always sit   between two city boys that live on coffee. Their food
plus yours holds you   till noon, when you get fed.

  It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much. We go on "route
marches,"   which, the Sgt. says, are long walks to harden us. If he
thinks so, it is   not my place to tell him different. A "route
march" is about as far as to   our mailbox at home. Then the city
guys all get sore feet and we ride back   in trucks. The country is
nice, but awful flat.

  The Sgt. is like a schoolteacher. He nags some. The Capt. is like
the
  school board. Cols. and Gens. just ride around and frown. They don't
  bother you none.

  This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting
medals
  for shooting. I don't know why. The bull's-eye is near as big as a
chipmunk and don't move. And it ain't shooting at you, like the
Higsett boys at home.   All you got to do is lie there all
comfortable and hit it, you don't even   load your own cartridges.
They come in boxes.

  Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other
fellows get   onto this setup and come stampeding in.

  Your loving son,

  Zeb

  P.S. Speaking of shooting, enclosed is $200 for barn roof and ma's
  teeth. The city boys shoot craps, but not very good.





THE WIT WIZARD savagely exposes America's frauds, fools, freaks & foibles, harpoons the hypocrites and punctures the pompous with biting social satire daily or weekly...


An EzineADventure AD. Click here - Get Your FREE Ads NOW!


Now I like this sign (LOL)


Following are a few excerpts from the Shagmail.com employee
handbook...


DRESS CODE:

It is advised that you come to work dressed according to
your salary, if we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers and
carrying a $600 Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well
financially and therefore you do not need a raise.

SICK DAYS:

We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of
sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able
to come to work.

PERSONAL DAYS:

Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They
are called Saturday and Sunday.

VACATION DAYS:

All employees will take their vacation at the same time every
year. The vacation days are as follows: Jan. 1, July 4 & Dec. 25.





When his auto mechanic came in for an operation, Dr. Grimley
couldn't help but take the opportunity to turn the tables on
him.

"Well Frank," said the doctor, "It's going to take at least
five days for the parts to get in. As for the cost, there's
no way to tell until we get in there and see exactly what the problem is."





After using your garden tools, such as shovels, in a bucket
of sand mixed with vegetable oil. The sand will have enough
abrasion to clean them off and the oil will prevent them from
rusting...Use about 2 cups of vegetable oil in one bucket
of sand. Use more or less depending on the amount or size
you need...





How can you thank a man for giving you what's already yours?
How then can you thank him for giving you only part of what
is yours?
--Malcolm X

Reality is the cage of those who lack imagination.
--JBS Haldane, English Geneticist





DENVER GOOD SAMARITAN DIES
Some time ago an avowed skinhead shot a black man on a
Denver street in what police described as a "hate
crime-thrill killing." A young woman named Jeannie
VanVelkinburgh saw what had happened and raced to help
the man. She was shot and nearly killed by the gunman
after he realized that she might be able to identify him.
The incident gained international media attention ... a
Good Samaritan trying to help a wounded immigrant from
West Africa and nearly being killed herself.
VanVelkinburg did not die, but the nerve injuries she
sustained left her in constant pain and partially
paralyzed ... for the past four and half years. Now
Jeannie VanVelkinburgh's pain is over. She has,
according to the Denver Post, apparently ended it all,
taking her own life in an overdose of drugs. The
publication says that in an interview conducted with
her just last week, she described her constant pain,
saying she wanted desperately to work and be a part of
society, but was too traumatized to leave home. She was only 41. Police say they found an empty pill bottle next to her bed.





SNL'S JIMMY FALLON TO HOST MTV VIDEO AWARDS

"Saturday Night Live" player Jimmy Fallon has been tapped
to host MTV's 19th annual Video Music Awards show on Aug.
29. Fallon, who co-anchors the show's "Weekend Update"
newscasts with Tina Fey, joins Dan Ackroyd, Dennis Miller,
Chris Rock, Dana Carvey and Eddie Murphy as SNL vets host-
ing the awards program. Bruce Springsteen and the E-Street
Band are expected to headline the show, which was hosted by Jamie Foxx last year.





SMOKED SAUSAGES

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

INGREDIENTS:
2 pounds lean turkey sausage
2 cups dry red wine
1 tablespoon fennel seeds
2 cups beer
1 onion, thinly sliced
2 pounds smoked turkey sausage
1/3 cup honey
1/2 cup orange juice

DIRECTIONS:
Pierce the lean turkey sausage casings in several places
with the tines of a fork. Place in a bowl with the red
wine and fennel. Let it sit in the refrigerator for at
least 4-6 hours. After marinating: place the wine, fennel
and sausage in a saute pan. Bring to a boil and reduce heat
to medium-high and cook until most of the wine is absorbed
by the sausages, about 20- 30 minutes. Remove from heat and
let cool. Pierce the casings of the smoked turkey sausage
in several places with the tines of a fork. Place the sausage
in a saute pan. Add the beer and the thinly sliced onion.
Bring to a boil, reduce heat to medium-high and cook until
most of the beer is absorbed and the onions are very soft,
approximately 20 minutes. Remove from heat and set sausages
aside. Discard the onions. Turn broiler on high. Place the
smoked sausage on a foil-lined broiler pan. Blend the honey
and the orange juice together and brush liberally on the
smoked sausages. Broil on one side until crispy, about one
minute. Repeat on the other side. Remove from the heat and
allow to cool. Refrigerate until 1/2 hour before serving.
(allow 1/2 hur out of the fridge before serving to get to
room temperature). To serve, slice each sausage link into
3-4 thick slices. Dip in the mustard of your choice.

Categories: Meats, Picnic
http://www.thedailyrecipe.com





THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS "TOO MUCH ICE":

Making your own ice, particularly for larger events, is
just not worth it. While tap water might be free, you
can't put a price on the time and hassles of freezing
enough for fifty drinkers. Quantity of ice varies, but
the general ratio is one pound of ice per person. This
number includes ice for chilling wines and other beverages.
If you're going to buy too much of anything.....
buy too much ice.





& now your at the end of the letter, I hope that you enjoyed !

The times on this one are 200 seconds for 28K modem,
119 seconds for 56k modem & 55 seconds for cable/dsl

thanks, David 1