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By the way, on some of the pictures, if you hover your pointer over the picture, ya might find a comment from me on it, now that I've learned how to do that.
Now its time for the show to start & I think we'll start now!!!!
Doctor: "Take the green pill with a glass of
water when you get up. Take the blue pill with a glass of water after lunch.
Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another glass of
Man: "Exactly what's my problem, doc?"
Doctor: "You're not drinking enough
A Jewish businessman was in a great deal of
trouble. His business was failing, he had put everything he had into the
business, he owed everybody it was so bad he was even contemplating suicide.
As a last resort he went to a Rabbi and poured out his story of tears and
When he had finished, the Rabbi said, "Here's
what I want you to do: Put a beach chair and your Bible in your car and
drive down to the beach. Take the beach chair and the Bible to the water's
edge, sit down in the beach chair, and put the Bible in your lap. Open the
Bible; the wind will rifle the pages, but finally the open Bible will
come to rest on a page. Look down at the page and read the first thing you
see. That will be your answer, that will tell you what to do."
A year later the businessman went back to the
Rabbi and brought his wife and children with him. The man was in a new
custom-tailored suit, his wife in a mink coat, the children shining. The
businessman pulled an envelope stuffed with money out of his pocket, gave it
to the Rabbi as a donation in thanks for his advice.
The Rabbi recognized the benefactor, and was
curious. "You did as I suggested?" he asked.
"Absolutely," replied the
"You went to the beach?"
"You sat in a beach chair with the Bible in your
"You let the pages rifle until they
"And what were the first words you
Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel were sitting together
in church. Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud. Finally, his big
sister had had enough.
"You're not supposed to talk out loud
"Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked.
pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by
the door? They're hushers."
You know it's Summer in Western Australia when...
The best parking place
is determined by shade instead of distance.
Hot water now comes out
of both taps.
You can make sun tea instantly.
You learn that a
seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron.
drops below 35C and you feel a little chilly.
You discover that in
February it only takes 2 fingers to steer your car.
You discover that
you can get sunburned through your car window.
You actually burn your
hand opening the car door.
You break a sweat the instant you step
outside at 7:30 a.m.
Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if
I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to
You realise that asphalt has a liquid state.
have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground.
cook underground, so all you have to do is pull one out and add butter,
salt, and pepper.
Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to
keep them from laying hard-boiled eggs.
The cows are giving evaporated
The trees are whistling for the dogs.
Your best friends in
summer just happen to have air conditioning or a pool.
yourself for the ninth year in a row to buy a new car that has
You sleep more often in your back yard than you do in
You think living in Antarctica can't be that bad.
Some newly married friends were visiting us when the topic of children came
up. The bride said she wanted three children, while the young husband said
two would be enough for him.
They discussed this discrepancy for a
few minutes until the husband thought he'd put an end to things by saying
boldly, "After our second child, I'll just have a vasectomy."
a moment's hesitation, the bride retorted, "Well, I hope you'll love the
third one as if it's your own."
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Two whales swimming around in the ocean come upon a ship that is hauling
potatoes. The first whale swims underneath it, tips it over and eats
everything, ship and all.
A little while later, they come up to another
ship hauling potatoes. The whale capsizes that one, too, and eats
The third ship they spot is also hauling potatoes,
and the whale upends it and eats everything.
"Why do you keep tipping
over those ships full of potatoes and eating everything on board?" the other
"I wish I hadn't done it," the first whale says, "but I
just can't help myself once I start. You know how it is--you can't
eat just one potato ship."
PLOWING THE GARDEN
An old man lived alone in Florida. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but
it was very hard work. His only son, who would have helped him, was in
The old man wrote a letter to his son and mentioned his predicament. Shortly,
he received this reply, "For HEAVEN'S SAKE Dad, don't dig up that garden, that's
where I buried the GUNS!" At 4 A.M. the next morning, a dozen police showed up
and dug up the entire garden, without finding any guns.
Confused, the old man wrote another note to his son telling him what
happened, and asking him what to do next. His son's reply was: "Now plant your
potatoes, Dad. It's the best I could do at this time.
Definitions By Gender
n. female: Any
part under a car's hood. male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another. male: Playing football
without a helmet.
(ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n. female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's
partner. male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a
weekend with the boys.
n. female: The
body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes "look bigger."
male: what you slap when someone's scored a touchdown, homerun, or goal.
Also good for mooning.
n. female: A
desire to get married and raise a family. male: Not trying to pick up other
women while out with one's girlfriend.
n. female: An
embarrassing by-product of digestion. male: An endless source of
entertainment, self-expression and male bonding.
REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht
kon-trohl) n. female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another. male: A
device for scanning through all 75 channels every three minutes.
You Really Want To
WHY ARE MEN SUCH JERKS? It's a
testosterone thing. Much similar to your PMS thing, we men suffer from
testosterone poisoning. Why do you think the average life span of a male is
typically 10 years shorter (and it's not just from all the bitching and nagging
we have to endure)? Hormones modify behavior. We're just misunderstood.
WHY DO MEN ALWAYS HAVE TO OGLE AT
OTHER WOMEN? Again, this is a testosterone thing. Do you honestly think that
all the testosterone just fell out of our bodies the moment we met you? Besides,
women do it as well. Women are just much better at not getting caught. I'm
fairly certain it's some sort of photographic memory deal. Women take one quick
look and memorize it for later reference. Since men lack this ability, we try to
burn it into our memory by staring as much as we can.
WHY DO MEN ALWAYS TOUCH
THEMSELVES, ESPECIALLY IN PUBLIC? We occasionally need to adjust our little
friend and make him happy. It's much like adjusting your bra. Being in public is
just an added bonus.
WHY DO MEN ALWAYS SAY SUCH STUPID
THINGS? We like to. It's actually a whole lot of fun to see our partner
frustrated by a few simple (and well chosen) words.
WHY ARE MEN SO UNCOMMUNICATIVE?
You'd learn to keep your big mouth shut too if every time you open it you
get into trouble with your partner.
WHY DO MEN HAVE TO ACT LIKE SUCH
RETARDS? Well, we don't actually have to; we do it because we enjoy it. It's
the old fashioned pride in a job well done that's missing in so much of the
WHY CAN'T MEN JUST SHARE THEIR
FEELINGS? Do we look like women to you? Why is it so hard to understand that
men and women are different? How are we supposed to share how we feel when we
have no idea how we feel? Unless we're experiencing some extreme emotion like
rage, hatred, disgust, or a brick on our foot, we have no idea how we feel.
Personally, I get a headache whenever I try to figure out how I feel.
WHY CAN'T MEN CUDDLE MORE (IE, LIE
DOWN AND HUG)? Please... How many hours do you think there is in a day? We
oblige you as much as we can, but who the hell (besides women) can stand lying
around for hours on end? We men... Men hunters... Need go roam... Starve in
cave... Must go find wildebeest... Now sitting on our asses for hours on end, on
the other hand, is a whole other story.
HOW CAN MEN SIT ON THEIR ASSES ALL
DAY WITHOUT MOVING? Men have very powerful sets of sitting muscles developed
by evolution that enable us to sit for extended periods of time without getting
tired. In prehistoric times, it was often necessary to sit in one spot for
extended periods of time while hunting for prey. The more successful hunters
were able to sit very still for very extended periods of time thereby passing on
this ability to their progeny. The fidgety types were all gobbled up by saber
toothed tigers, etc. The end result is that almost all modern men are born with
this innate ability.
WHY CAN'T MEN JUST SAY "I LOVE
YOU?" Men are taught from a tender young age to be self-sufficient. To say
that we love you is equivalent to saying that we need you. Most men consider
that a character fault. It's not easy to admit to one's own character faults.
WHY DO MEN SAY "I LOVE YOU" WHEN
THEY HARDLY KNOW ME? Ho, Ho, Ho ... Aren't you special? Well, some men think
it's a sure fire way to get into your pants. Surprisingly, it actually still
works quite well.
WHY DOESN'T MY PARTNER EVER ANSWER
ME? We just simply don't have the energy to answer every single one of your
questions. If we think we do not have the answer, or that you will not like the
answer, we simply remain quiet and save the energy for other things.
WHY WON'T MEN EVER PICK UP AFTER
THEMSELVES? Why should we? It doesn't really bother us that much. Besides,
we know darn well you'll pick it up.
WHAT'S WITH ALL THE BELCHING AND
FARTING? This usually only occurs after months of courting. It's our way to
let you know that we're comfortable with you. Believe it or not, it's actually a
sign of affection. Besides, holding it for extended periods of time gives us
WHY DO MEN HATE SHOPPING? It's
an evolutionary thing. Men hunt. Women gather. We just want to go out, kill it,
and bring it back. Who wants to spend hours and hours looking at things we have
no intention of killing? Err... buying?
Thirty reasons dogs are better than wives...
The later you are, the more excited they are to see you.
will forgive you for playing with other dogs.
3. If a dog is
gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.
4. Dogs don't notice if you
call them by another dog's name.
5. A dog's disposition stays the
same all month long.
6. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things
on the floor.
7. A dog's parents never visit.
Dogs do not hate their bodies.
9. Dogs agree that you have to
raise your voice to get your point across.
like to do their snooping outside rather than in your wallet or
11. Dogs seldom outlive you.
12. Dogs can't
13. Dogs enjoy heavy petting in public.
You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready 24-hours a day.
15. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.
Dogs like to go hunting.
17. Another man will seldom steal your
18. If you bring another dog home, your dog will happily play
with both of you.
19. A dog will not wake you up at
night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"
20. If you pretend to be blind, your dog can stay in your hotel
room for free.
21. If a dog has babies, you can put
an ad in the paper and give them away.
22. A dog will
let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.
23. A dog won't hold out on you to get a new car.
24. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad, they
just think it's interesting.
25. On a car trip, your
dog never insists on running the heater.
26. Dogs don't let
magazine articles guide their lives.
27. When your dog gets old,
you can have it put to sleep.
28. Dogs like to ride in the back of
a pickup truck.
29. Dogs are not allowed in Nordstroms or
30. If a dog leaves, it won't take half your stuff.
At a PTA Meeting it
was explained to the parents how the sex education classes would proceed and
what the overall content would be. The Principal advised the parents to
closely follow-up with their children, especially to see if they had any
That night, one parent decided to put it into action.
He called his older son into the study and requested that he instruct his
younger brother about the "birds and the bees" talk he gave to his son two
years ago; thinking to spare himself the ordeal all over again.
boy agreed and rushed off to talk with his younger brother.
Herman," he said, "want to know something ?"
"What?" the younger lad
"You know how a man and a woman get together when they want
to have kids?"
"Well.. Father wants me to tell you that
birds and bees do the same thing."
& now your at the end of the letter, I hope that you enjoyed
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