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The News letter, 020721








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By the way, on some of the pictures, if you hover your pointer over the picture, ya might find a comment from me on it,
now that I've learned how to do that.



Now its time for the show to start & I think we'll start now!!!!





Doctor: "Take the green pill with a glass of water when you get up.
Take the blue pill with a glass of water after lunch. Then just
before going to bed, take the red pill with another glass of water."
 
Man: "Exactly what's my problem, doc?"
 
Doctor: "You're not drinking enough water."






A Jewish businessman was in a great deal of trouble. His business was
failing, he had put everything he had into the business, he owed
everybody it was so bad he was even contemplating suicide. As a last
resort he went to a Rabbi and poured out his story of tears and woe.
 
When he had finished, the Rabbi said, "Here's what I want you to do: 
Put a beach chair and your Bible in your car and drive down to the
beach. Take the beach chair and the Bible to the water's edge, sit
down in the beach chair, and put the Bible in your lap.  Open the
Bible; the wind will rifle the pages, but finally the open Bible
will come to rest on a page.  Look down at the page and read the
first thing you see. That will be your answer, that will tell you
what to do."
 
A year later the businessman went back to the Rabbi and brought his
wife and children with him. The man was in a new custom-tailored suit,
his wife in a mink coat, the children shining. The businessman pulled
an envelope stuffed with money out of his pocket, gave it to the Rabbi
as a donation in thanks for his advice.
 
The Rabbi recognized the benefactor, and was curious. "You did as I
suggested?" he asked.
 
"Absolutely," replied the businessman.
 
"You went to the beach?"
 
"Absolutely."
 
"You sat in a beach chair with the Bible in your lap?"
 
"Absolutely."
 
"You let the pages rifle until they stopped?"
 
"Absolutely."
 
"And what were the first words you saw?"
 

"Chapter 11."



I know this feeling all to well
DON'T I JAMES



Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old
brother Joel were sitting together in
church. Joel giggled, sang, and talked out
loud. Finally, his big sister had had enough.

"You're not supposed to talk out loud in
church."

"Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked.

Angie pointed to the back of the church and
said, "See those two men standing by the
door? They're hushers."





You know it's Summer in Western Australia when...

The best parking place is determined by shade
instead of distance.

Hot water now comes out of both taps.

You can make sun tea instantly.

You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty
good branding iron.

The temperature drops below 35C and you feel a
little chilly.

You discover that in February it only takes 2
fingers to steer your car.

You discover that you can get sunburned through
your car window.

You actually burn your hand opening the car door.

You break a sweat the instant you step outside
at 7:30 a.m.

Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I
get knocked out and end up lying on the
pavement and cook to death?"

You realise that asphalt has a liquid state.

The birds have to use potholders to pull worms
out of the ground.

The potatoes cook underground, so all you have
to do is pull one out and add butter, salt,
and pepper.

Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice
to keep them from laying hard-boiled eggs.

The cows are giving evaporated milk.

The trees are whistling for the dogs.

Your best friends in summer just happen to
have air conditioning or a pool.

You remind yourself for the ninth year in a
row to buy a new car that has airconditioning.

You sleep more often in your back yard than
you do in your house.

You think living in Antarctica can't be that bad.





Some newly married friends were visiting us
when the topic of children came up. The bride
said she wanted three children, while the
young husband said two would be enough for him.

They discussed this discrepancy for a few
minutes until the husband thought he'd put an
end to things by saying boldly, "After our
second child, I'll just have a vasectomy."

Without a moment's hesitation, the bride
retorted, "Well, I hope you'll love the third
one as if it's your own."





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Two whales swimming around in the ocean come upon a ship that is
hauling potatoes. The first whale swims underneath it, tips it
over and eats everything, ship and all.

A little while later, they come up to another ship hauling
potatoes. The whale capsizes that one, too, and eats everything
onboard.

The third ship they spot is also hauling potatoes, and the whale
upends it and eats everything.

"Why do you keep tipping over those ships full of potatoes and
eating everything on board?" the other whale asks.

"I wish I hadn't done it," the first whale says, "but I just
can't help myself once I start. You know how it is--you can't eat
just one potato ship."






PLOWING THE GARDEN

 An old man lived alone in Florida. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, who would have helped him, was in Prison.

The old man wrote a letter to his son and mentioned his predicament. Shortly, he received this reply, "For HEAVEN'S SAKE Dad, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the GUNS!" At 4 A.M. the next morning, a dozen police showed up and dug up the entire garden, without finding any guns.

Confused, the old man wrote another note to his son telling him what happened, and asking him what to do next. His son's reply was: "Now plant your potatoes, Dad. It's the best I could do at this time.




Good Choice


Definitions By Gender

THINGY (thing-ee) n.
female: Any part under a car's hood.
male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
male: Playing football without a helmet.

COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the boys.

BUTT (but) n.
female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes "look bigger."
male: what you slap when someone's scored a touchdown, homerun, or goal. Also good for mooning.

COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.

FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and male bonding.

REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every three minutes.







You Really Want To Know?

WHY ARE MEN SUCH JERKS?
It's a testosterone thing. Much similar to your PMS thing, we men suffer from testosterone poisoning. Why do you think the average life span of a male is typically 10 years shorter (and it's not just from all the bitching and nagging we have to endure)? Hormones modify behavior. We're just misunderstood.

WHY DO MEN ALWAYS HAVE TO OGLE AT OTHER WOMEN?
Again, this is a testosterone thing. Do you honestly think that all the testosterone just fell out of our bodies the moment we met you? Besides, women do it as well. Women are just much better at not getting caught. I'm fairly certain it's some sort of photographic memory deal. Women take one quick look and memorize it for later reference. Since men lack this ability, we try to burn it into our memory by staring as much as we can.

WHY DO MEN ALWAYS TOUCH THEMSELVES, ESPECIALLY IN PUBLIC?
We occasionally need to adjust our little friend and make him happy. It's much like adjusting your bra. Being in public is just an added bonus.

WHY DO MEN ALWAYS SAY SUCH STUPID THINGS?
We like to. It's actually a whole lot of fun to see our partner frustrated by a few simple (and well chosen) words.

WHY ARE MEN SO UNCOMMUNICATIVE?
You'd learn to keep your big mouth shut too if every time you open it you get into trouble with your partner.

WHY DO MEN HAVE TO ACT LIKE SUCH RETARDS?
Well, we don't actually have to; we do it because we enjoy it. It's the old fashioned pride in a job well done that's missing in so much of the world nowadays.

WHY CAN'T MEN JUST SHARE THEIR FEELINGS?
Do we look like women to you? Why is it so hard to understand that men and women are different? How are we supposed to share how we feel when we have no idea how we feel? Unless we're experiencing some extreme emotion like rage, hatred, disgust, or a brick on our foot, we have no idea how we feel. Personally, I get a headache whenever I try to figure out how I feel.

WHY CAN'T MEN CUDDLE MORE (IE, LIE DOWN AND HUG)?
Please... How many hours do you think there is in a day? We oblige you as much as we can, but who the hell (besides women) can stand lying around for hours on end? We men... Men hunters... Need go roam... Starve in cave... Must go find wildebeest... Now sitting on our asses for hours on end, on the other hand, is a whole other story.

HOW CAN MEN SIT ON THEIR ASSES ALL DAY WITHOUT MOVING?
Men have very powerful sets of sitting muscles developed by evolution that enable us to sit for extended periods of time without getting tired. In prehistoric times, it was often necessary to sit in one spot for extended periods of time while hunting for prey. The more successful hunters were able to sit very still for very extended periods of time thereby passing on this ability to their progeny. The fidgety types were all gobbled up by saber toothed tigers, etc. The end result is that almost all modern men are born with this innate ability.

WHY CAN'T MEN JUST SAY "I LOVE YOU?"
Men are taught from a tender young age to be self-sufficient. To say that we love you is equivalent to saying that we need you. Most men consider that a character fault. It's not easy to admit to one's own character faults.

WHY DO MEN SAY "I LOVE YOU" WHEN THEY HARDLY KNOW ME?
Ho, Ho, Ho ... Aren't you special? Well, some men think it's a sure fire way to get into your pants. Surprisingly, it actually still works quite well.

WHY DOESN'T MY PARTNER EVER ANSWER ME?
We just simply don't have the energy to answer every single one of your questions. If we think we do not have the answer, or that you will not like the answer, we simply remain quiet and save the energy for other things.

WHY WON'T MEN EVER PICK UP AFTER THEMSELVES?
Why should we? It doesn't really bother us that much. Besides, we know darn well you'll pick it up.

WHAT'S WITH ALL THE BELCHING AND FARTING?
This usually only occurs after months of courting. It's our way to let you know that we're comfortable with you. Believe it or not, it's actually a sign of affection. Besides, holding it for extended periods of time gives us stomach cramps.

WHY DO MEN HATE SHOPPING?
It's an evolutionary thing. Men hunt. Women gather. We just want to go out, kill it, and bring it back. Who wants to spend hours and hours looking at things we have no intention of killing? Err... buying?




I sure wish I would have thought of this



Thirty reasons dogs are better than wives...


1.    The later you are, the more excited they are to see you.


2.    Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.


3.    If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.


4.    Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.


5.    A dog's disposition stays the same all month long.


6.    Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.


7.    A dog's parents never visit.


8.    Dogs do not hate their bodies.


9.    Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point
       across.


10.   Dogs like to do their snooping outside rather than in your wallet
        or  desk.


11.   Dogs seldom outlive you.


12.   Dogs can't talk.


13.   Dogs enjoy heavy petting in public.


14.   You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready 24-hours a day.


15.   Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.


16.   Dogs like to go hunting.


17.   Another man will seldom steal your dog.


18.   If you bring another dog home, your dog will happily play with both
        of  you.


19.   A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you
        get  another dog?"


20.   If you pretend to be blind, your dog can stay in your hotel room
        for  free.


21.   If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them
        away.


22.   A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you
         a  pervert.


23.   A dog won't hold out on you to get a new car.


24.   If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad, they just
        think it's interesting.


25.   On a car trip, your dog never insists on running the heater.


26.   Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives.


27.   When your dog gets old, you can have it put to sleep.


28.   Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.


29.   Dogs are not allowed in Nordstroms or Neiman-Marcus.


30.   If a dog leaves, it won't take half your stuff.






At a PTA Meeting it was explained to the parents how the sex
education classes would proceed and what the overall content
would be.  The Principal advised the parents to closely
follow-up with their children, especially to see if they had
any questions.

That night, one parent decided to put it into action.  He
called his older son into the study and requested that he
instruct his younger brother about the "birds and the bees"
talk he gave to his son two years ago; thinking to spare
himself the ordeal all over again.

The boy agreed and rushed off to talk with his younger
brother.

"Hey Herman," he said, "want to know something ?"

"What?" the younger lad asked.

"You know how a man and a woman get together when they want to
have kids?"

"Yeah?"

"Well.. Father wants me to tell you that birds and bees
do the same thing."



NOW this feeling I know
Don't I Susan


& now your at the end of the letter, I hope that you enjoyed

The times on this one are 130 seconds for 28K modem,
77 seconds for 56k modem & 36 seconds for cable/dsl

thanks, David 1