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The News letter, 020720








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By the way, on some of the pictures, if you hover your pointer over the picture, ya might find a comment from me on it,
now that I've learned how to do that.



Now its time for the show to start & I think we'll start now!!!!


& here comes a story from Pooh.















I have a friend who filled his car with gas
at a self-service gas station.

After he had paid and driven away, he
realized that he had left the gas cap on
top of his car.

He stopped and looked and, sure enough, it
was lost.

Well, he thought for a second and realized
that other people must have done the same
thing, and that it was worth going back to
look by the side of the road since even if
he couldn't find his own gas cap, he might
be able to find one that fit.

He hadn't been searching long when, sure
enough, he found a gas cap.

He tried it on, and it went into place
with a satisfying click.

"Great," he thought, "I lost my gas cap,
but I found another one that fits. And this
one's even better because it locks."





The doctor took Dan into the room and said,
"Dan, I have some good news and some bad news."

Dan said, "Give me the good news."

"They're going to name a disease after you."





Maw is outside hangin up the laundry, when
she hears Paw in the kitchen.

Maw walks in and says, "Paw, get out there
and fix that there outhouse."

Paw says, "All right, Maw."

Paw walks out to the outhouse, looks at it,
and says, "Maw, there ain't nothin' wrong
with this here outhouse!"

Maw says, "Yes, there is. Put your head
down in the hole."

Paw says "I ain't puttin my head in that
there hole!"

Maw says, "Well you're gonna have to if
you're gonna fix the problem!"

Paw puts his head down in the hole (just a
little bit mind ya) and he hollers, "Maw,
there ain't nothin' wrong with this here
outhouse!"

Maw hollers, "Now pull your head out of
the hole."

Paw goes to lift up his head and he says,
"Oww! OWW! Maw! MAW, my beard's stuck in
the cracks in the seat!"

Maw says, "Aggravatin', ain't it?"





  I LOVE MUSTARD(This is a true story.)

If you have children you will probably relate to this father. 

As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection.
A thick slab of ham, a fresh bun, crisp lettuce and plenty of expensive, light brown, gourmet mustard.

The corners of my jaw aching in anticipation, I carried it to the table in our backyard, picked it up with both hands but was stopped by my wife suddenly at my side.
  "Hold Johnny (our six-week-old son) while I get my sandwich," she said.
I had him balanced between my left elbow and shoulder and was reaching again for the ham sandwich when I noticed a streak of mustard on my fingers.

  I love mustard. I had no napkin. I licked it off.  It was not mustard.

No man ever put a baby down faster. It was the first and only time I have sprinted with my tongue protruding.
With a washcloth in each hand I did the sort of routine shoeshine boys do, only I did it on my tongue.

Later (after she stopped crying from laughing so hard) my wife said, "Now you know why they call that mustard..."Poupon.'"


Not that I call them BUT
I can see myself falling for that.


Mrs. Davidson's dishwasher quit working so she calls a repairman.
Since she has to go to work the next day, she tells him, "I'll leave the key
under the mat.

Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you the
check.

Oh, by the way, don't worry about my Doberman, he won't bother you.
But,whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!"

When the repairman arrives at Mrs. Davidson's apartment the next day, he
discovers the biggest and meanest looking Doberman he has ever seen.
But just as she said, the dog just lay there on the carpet, watching the
repairman go about his business. The parrot, however, drove him nuts the
whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing, and name-calling.

Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, "Shut
up, you stupid ugly bird!"

To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"



NOW, That's a burial (SP)



Buffalo Theory as told by Cliff Clavin:

I have not seen anyone explain this as well as Cliff Clavin, on  Cheers. One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the

 Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. and here's how it went:

"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move  as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is  the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the  general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. "In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as  the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know,  kills brain cells. But naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest  brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer  eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient  machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."







     A man has spent many days crossing the desert without
     water. His camel dies
     of thirst. He's crawling through the sands, certain
     that he has breathed his
     last, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking
     out of the sand
     several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object,
     pulls it out of the
     sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case.
   
     He opens it and out pops a genie.... But this is no
     ordinary genie. He is
     wearing an Inland Revenue ID badge and dull grey suit.
     There's a calculator
     in his pocket. He has a pencil tucked behind one ear.
   
     "Well, kid," says the genie. "You know how it works.
     You have three wishes".
   
     "I'm not falling for this." says the man. "I'm not
     going to trust a person
     from the Inland Revenue"
   
     "What do you have to lose? You've got no
     transportation, and it looks like
     you're a goner anyway!"
   
     The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides
     that the genie is right.
   
     "OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food
     and drink."
   
     ***POOF***
   
     The man finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he
     has ever seen, and he
     is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of
     delicacies.
   
     "Ok, kid, what's your second wish."
   
     "My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest
     dreams."
   
     ***POOF***
   
     The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests
     filled with rare gold
     coins and precious gems.
   
     "OK, kid, you have just one more wish. Better make it a
     good one!"
   
     After thinking for a few minutes, the man says:
   
     "I wish that no matter where I go beautiful women will
     want and need me."
   
     ***POOF***
   
     He is turned into a tampon.
   
     The moral of the story? If the Revenue offers you
     anything, there's bound to be a string attached






A couple of young fellers were fishing at their special pond off the beaten track when out of the bush's jumped the Game Warden!!

Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods like a bat out of hell, and hot on his heels came the Game Warden.

After about a half mile the fella stopped and stooped over with his hands on his thigh's to catch his breath and the Game Warden finally caught up to him.

"Lets see yer fishin license, Boy!!" the Warden gasped.

With that, the fella pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid fishing license.

"Well, son ", said the Game Warden, " You must be about as dumb as a box of rocks!! You don't have to run from me if you have a valid license!!"

"Yes Sir", replied the young feller, " But my friend back there, well, he don't have one".







THE NEW ARAFAT POSTAGE STAMP

Arafat wants a postage stamp issued with his picture on it. So, he instructs his people, stressing that it should be of high International quality.

The stamps are created, printed, and released.

Arafat is very pleased.

But within a few days of release of the stamp, he begins hearing complaints that the stamp is not sticking, and he became infuriated.

He calls the people responsible and orders them to investigate the matter. They check the matter out at several post offices, and they report the problem to Arafat.

The report states, "There is nothing wrong with the quality of the stamp. The problem is people are spitting on the wrong side."






& now your at the end of the letter, I hope that you enjoyed

The times on this one are 130 seconds for 28K modem,
77 seconds for 56k modem & 36 seconds for cable/dsl

thanks, David 1