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The News letter, 020718








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By the way, on some of the pictures, if you hover your pointer over the picture, ya might find a comment from me on it,
now that I've learned how to do that.



Now its time for the show to start & I think we'll start now!!!!





You are one of two people on an airplane about to go down. There is only
one parachute. How do you react?

Bureaucrat: you order them to conduct a feasibility study on parachute
use in multi-engine aircraft under code red conditions.

Lawyer: you charge one parachute for helping them sue the airline.

Doctor: you tell them you need to run more tests, then take the parachute in
order to make your next appointment.


Internal Revenue Service: you confiscate the parachute along with their
luggage, wallet, and gold fillings.

Engineer:
you make them another parachute out of aisle curtains and dental floss.

Scientist: you give them the parachute and ask them to send you a report on
how well it worked.

Mathematician: you refuse to accept the parachute
without proof that it will work in all cases.

Philosopher: you ask how they know the parachute actually exists.

English major: you explicate simile and metaphor in the parachute
instructions.

Computer Science: you design a machine capable of operating a parachute as
well as a human being could.

Economics: you plot a demand curve by asking them, at
regular intervals, how much they would pay for a parachute.

Psychoanalysis: you ask them what the shape of a parachute reminds them of.

Artist: you hang the parachute on the wall and sign it.

Environmentalist: you refuse to use the parachute unless it is
biodegradable.

Sports Fan: you start betting on how long it will take to
crash.

Auto Mechanic: as long as you are looking at the plane engine, it works
fine.

Surgeon General: you issue a warning that skydiving can be
hazardous to your health.

Association of Tobacco Growers: you explain very patiently that despite a
number of remarkable coincidences, studies
have shown that jumping out of a plane is NOT harmful to your health.





Why Some Countries CAN'T Go Metric!*
If the metric system did ever take over, we'd have to change our
thinking to the following:
* A miss is as good as 1.1 kilometers.
* Put your best 0.3 of a meter forward.
* Spare the 5.03 meters and spoil the child.
* Twenty-eight grams of prevention is worth 453 grams of cure.
* Give a man 2.5 centimeters and he'll take 1.06 kilometers.
* Peter Piper picked 8.8 liters of pickled peppers.





Kathryn's 5-year-old developed a strong
interest in spelling once she learned to spell
STOP. After that, she tried to figure out her
own words. From the back seat of the car
she'd ask, "Mom, what does FGRPL spell?"

"Nothing," Kathryn said.

Sitting at breakfast she'd suddenly ask, "Mom,
what does DOEB spell?"

"Nothing," Kathryn answered.

This went on for several weeks. Then one
afternoon as they sat coloring in her room
she asked, "Mom, what does LMDZ spell?"

Kathryn smiled at her and said, "Nothing,
sweetheart."

The 5-year-old carefully set down her crayon,
sighed and said, "Boy, there sure are a lot of
ways to spell Nothing!"





1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than ambulance.

2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a
skating rink.

3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the
back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy
cigarettes at the front.

4. Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries,
and a diet coke.

5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the
pens to the counters.

6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the
driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and
then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want
to talk to in the first place.

8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in
packages of eight. (THIS ONE ALWAYS BUGGED ME!)

9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the
process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning
'bloodsucking creatures'.

10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.


Good Dog


A crotchety old spinster was asked why she had never married. Her answer was
tart: "I have a dog that snarls, a parrot that swears, a cat that stays out
all night and a fireplace that smokes. Why in the dickens would I want a husband?"





Armed Gang of Clowns on the Loose ------------

MANCHESTER, England - An armed gang of clowns is on the
loose in England. A group of three clowns pulled off the
perfect heist at a local wine bar and handcuffed a manager,
threatening him with a sawn-off shotgun and a knife. They
escaped with "a small amount of money" according to authori-
ties. Then came a wild goose chase. Inspector Darren Shenton
said the clowns took off in a van and managed to escape
police pursuit even though they were involved in three car
accidents along the way. In a statement, Shenton said,
"There is no doubt that anyone walking along the road at the
time the robbers were heading into or out of the building
would have spotted them, especially as they were dressed as
clowns." Police are now appealing to the public for infor-
mation on the wild bunch.





Man Bitten by Pet Cobra, Goes for Beer ----------

DULUTH, Minnesota - What do you do when your venomous pet
Egyptian cobra snake bites you on the hand? You go for a
beer, of course! When David Anderson's (known as "Crazy
Dave"), snake bit him twice, he went to the local bar because
he didn't have a phone at home. He chugged a beer before even
telling anyone what happened to him. He was rushed to the
hospital, and the Milwaukee County Zoo had to send over
antivenin, to which Dave turned out to be allergic. He was
reported in fair condition two days later. Anderson apparently
got off lucky because cobra bites often cause loss of muscle
control and the ability to breathe. Neighbors knew he kept
a snake, but they had no idea it was venomous. It's illegal
to possess a venomous snake in Minnesota.


I wonder if that really happened.



RENTING A CAR OVERSEAS? CHECK FIRST
Many of us take for granted how easy it is to rent a car
here in this country. Reservations can be made and rates
checked through an increasing number of avenues, from
calling the agency directly to using a travel agent to
going onto the Internet. But finding the right car overseas
may be a tricky venture, particularly when it comes to the
different kinds of coverages in other countries. Writing
in the Christian Science Monitor, Steve Dinnen reports
that understanding insurance options in foreign countries
can be a daunting task. He notes that the kinds of
"automatic" coverages afforded by some credit card
companies are not so automatic in other nations. Just as
there are restrictions imposed by many companies in this
country as to whether you can take a car into Canada or
Mexico, many European countries' car rental agencies have
restrictions as to the scope of travel on that continent,
though less restrictive now that the Iron Curtain has
fallen. The answer may be to rent from an American-based
company before you leave and ask all the questions you
can think of.





JULIA GETS ADVICE FROM NEW HUBBY'S EX

The ex-wife of Julia Roberts' new husband warns the super-
star he'll cheat on her, too. Vera Moder, divorced from
Danny Moder just a short time before he and Julia were
married July 4 at Roberts' ranch in New Mexico, also cal-
led the "Pretty Woman" star a "husband stealer." The 29-
year-old makeup artist said she was still married to Moder
when he and Julia started seeing each other. She predicted
the marriage won't last a year, accusing both bride and
groom of having roving eyes.





MARTIN ISSUES DEL MCCOURY SIGNATURE GUITAR

Del McCoury is to be presented with a signature series
Martin guitar during a concert in Nashville Thursday
night. The historic guitar maker is honoring McCoury
with an Edition D-28DM, made from solid Indian rosewood
and built in the classic Martin style. Dots of blue
lapis stone adorned by rings of pearl symbolize McCoury's
love for the blues.


OUCH, now that's a threat.



RAY PRICE RELEASE DUE AUG. 27

Country music veteran Ray Price, who joined the Grand Ole
Opry a half-century ago, has signed with Audium Records
and a new recording is set for release Aug. 27. The new
album, "Time," features some world-class pickin' by Buddy
Harman, Harold Bradley, Buddy Emmons, Bob Moore and others.
Price, who moved to Nashville in 1951 in search of a
record deal, lists "Crazy Arms" and "For the Good Times"
among his hit songs.





GREAT SIDE RECIPE FOR GUACAMOLE:

Ingredients:
2 large avocados
2 green chillies finely chopped
2 tbs. finely chopped fresh coriander
1 tbs. finely chopped onion
1 tbs. finely diced tomato
salt
lime juice   

* Cut the avocados in half. Remove the stone and scoop out
the flesh. Mash with a fork. Put the avocado, chillies, onion,
tomato and coriander in a bowl and mix thoroughly. Add drops
of lime juice to stop the avocado turning black, and salt to
taste. Serve immediately!





A yellow-headed Amazon parrot which impersonates Ethel
Merman has cut its first CD. The album is called Bird Beat
and has been released on a Los Angeles record label
devoted to animals.
  
The bird's favorite tune is called 'Zippety-do-dah, which is
being released across the US later this month.

Larry O'Mitchell, the bird's owner say's "She's always had it
in her. She has the most amazing personality even at an early
age."

"I don't expect to get rich off of her CD sales but can anyone
else say their parrot has a CD out?"


Hey, he asked fer a meal



THE BONEHEAD AWARDS
*****************************

Today we bestow FOUR bonehead awards!


We don't need to tell anyone not to try this at home.

Bonehead award one, a "questionable aspirations," bonehead award, goes
to an Indian man who has now achieved, according to the Guinness Book
of World Records, the record for a having the greatest number of
cement blocks broken on a his groin.

He endured three 41-pound blocks smashed on his groin with a
sledgehammer.  This same man also holds the record for enduring the
most kicks to the groin (43) according to the Limca Book of Records.

Ananova 15-Jul-02
http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_629159.html


---------------------------


Bonehead award two goes to some animal rights activists in
Pennsylvania who smashed the glass doors of the Mr. Charles Shop in
State College and threw red paint on the shop's windows because a
jacket with a fake fur collar was displayed in the store window.

Ananova 11-Jul-02
http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_627172.html




==< >== ==< >== ==< >====< >== ==< >== ==< >== ==< >== ==< >

When I was a kid I sold magazine subscriptions to earn extra money.
And now I am again selling magazine subscriptions to earn extra money.
I haven't aged a day!

Do you read magazines?  Do you give people gift subscriptions?
Why not order them from the NOT! For Boneheads Magazine Stand?

Thousands of titles available.
http://www.magazines.com/ncom/mag?cb=1707

<a href="http://www.magazines.com/ncom/mag?cb=1707">AOL users click
here</A>

Bonehead award four is a "stupidest excuse in the world," bonehead
award.  And it is especially pathetic that a judge bought the excuse.
Thank goodness there's a Court of Appeals.

A Chicago woman who was arrested for embezzling more that $240,000 was
let off without having to serve a jail sentence by US District Judge
Matthew F. Kennelly after claiming that she had a disability; she is a
"shopaholic" and therefore could not control her spending and so
needed to steal money.

The 7th US Circuit Court of Appeals saw it differently.  They say she
has to serve time in prison.

Seattle Post Intelligencer 10-Jul-02
<http://seattlepi.nwsource.com/national/apus_story.asp?category=1110&s
lug=Shopaholic%20Defense>
or
http://shorterlink.com/?UDUJ73



*************************************************
HELP! I'M TRAPPED IN THE EVIL PARALLEL UNIVERSE!
*************************************************

Not today



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Make new friends and have wonderful conversation at the Bonehead Of
The Day message board! <a
href="http://bonehead.community.everyone.net">AOL Users Click Here</a>
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



*************************************************
***             WEIRD EXTRAS                  ***
*** Stories without comment (well, sometimes) ***
*************************************************


A story about some people who may need to attend a seminar on
effective negotiating.

About 600 Nigerian women are holding about 700 ChevronTexaco male
employees hostage inside an oil terminal and have threatened to strip
butt naked unless the oil company hire's their sons and helps develop
their run-down villages.

For most Nigerian tribes, unwanted displays of nudity by wives,
mothers or grandmothers are extremely damning to, and a source
of,shame for, those it is directed at.

San Francisco Chronicle 14-Jul-02
<http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/n/archive/2002/07/14/interna
tional1452EDT0498.DTL&nl=fix>
or
http://shorterlink.com/?A8KFEW


----------------------------------------------


Cobra bites man.  Man bites cobra.  Man wins.

A black cobra bit an Indian farm laborer, working in a paddy field.
In retaliation the man chased the cobra through the field, grabbed it,
and bit a piece of its spine and windpipe off, killing the snake.  He
survived after taking the snake to the hospital where they were able
to match the snake species with the appropriate anti-venom.

"Hansda's mental strength to chase, catch and bite the fleeing cobra
for a tooth-for-tooth retaliation is really rare," said the doctor.
.
Ananova 15-Jul-02
http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_629318.html





She left him on the sofa when the
phone rang, and was back in a few
seconds.

"Who was it?" he asked.

"My husband," she replied.

"I better get going," he said. "Where was he?"

"Relax. He's downtown playing poker with you."


Have a good joke to share?
mailto:Firesongs_Funnies@hotmail.com?subject=joke





AS A NEW GRANDMOTHER, I am very protective of my daughter
Meredith's baby girl. One cool afternoon I dropped by to see
my grandchild. Meredith and a friend had taken little
Allison for a walk in her stroller and were just coming up
the street. As soon as they reached me, I bent down to
admire Allison and, in my fussiest voice, remarked, "Your
little head is cold. You should have a hat on."
     My daughter looked knowingly at her friend and said,
"You owe me ten bucks."

-- Contributed to Reader's Digest "Life In These United
States" by Pat C. Macon   

To enjoy more winning laughs from Reader's Digest, visit
http://www.rd.com/common/nav/index.jhtml?channelId=6


I hope that this never happens.


A special request & something my reader's might be interested in ! is comming up

READER RANT
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

OK FOLKS, you can't tell me you don't have anything to gripe about.
COME ON SEND ME SOMETHING

Need to share a rant?? Send it to me

& there ya have so it.
Soo Lets do some ranting for her.

David 1






Bus Pastor

Here is a story about a nine-year-old boy who lived in a rural town
in
Tennessee. His house was in a poor area of the community. A church
there had a bus ministry that came knocking on his door one Saturday
afternoon.
The child came to answer the door and greeted the bus pastor.
The bus pastor asked if his parents were home and the small boy
told him that his parents take off every weekend and leave him at
home
to take care of his little brother.

The bus pastor couldn't believe what the child said and asked him to
repeat
it. The youngster gave the same answer and the bus pastor asked
to come in and talk with him. They went into the living room and sat
down on an old couch with the foam and springs exposed. The bus
pastor
asked the child, "Where do you go to church?"

The young boy surprised the visitor by replying, "I've never been to
church in my whole life."

The bus pastor thought to himself about the fact that his church was
less than three miles from the child's house. "Are you sure you have
never been to church?" he asked again.

"I'm sure I haven't," came his answer.

Then the bus pastor said, "Well, son, more important than going to
church, have you ever heard the greatest love story ever told?" and
then he proceeded to share the Gospel with this little nine-year-old
boy. The young lad's heart began to be tenderized and at the end of
the bus pastor's story, the bus pastor asked if the boy wanted to
receive
this free gift from God.

The youngster exclaimed, "Of course!" The child and the bus pastor
got on their knees and the lad invited Jesus into his little heart
and
received the free gift of salvation. They both stood up and the bus
pastor
asked if he could pick the child up for church the next morning.
"Sure," the nine year old replied.

The bus pastor got to the house early the next morning and found the
lights off. He let himself in and snaked his way through the house
and
found the little boy asleep in his bed. He woke up the little boy and
his
brother and helped get them dressed. They got on the bus and ate a
doughnut for breakfast on their way to church.

Keep in mind that this boy had never been to church before. The
church was a real big one. The little child just sat there, clueless
of
what was going on. A few minutes into the service, these tall unhappy
guys walked down to the front and picked up some wooden plates. One
of the men prayed and the child, with utter fascination, watched them
walk up and down the aisles.

He still didn't know what was going on. Suddenly, like a bolt of
lightning,
it hit the child what was taking place. These people must be giving
money
to Jesus. He then reflected on the free gift of life he had received
just
twenty-four hours earlier. He immediately searched his pockets, front
and back, and couldn't find a thing to give Jesus.

By this time, the offering plate was being passed down his aisle and,
with
a broken heart, he just grabbed the plate and held on to it. He
finally let
go and watched it pass on down the aisle. He turned around to see it
passed down the aisle behind him. And then his eyes remained glued on
the plate as it was passed back and forth, back and forth all the way
to
the rear of the sanctuary.

Then he had an idea. This little nine-year-old boy, in front of God
and
everybody, got up out of his seat. He walked about eight rows back,
grabbed the usher by the coat and asked to hold the plate one more
time. Then he did the most astounding thing I have ever heard of. He
took the plate, sat it on the carpeted church floor and stepped into
the
center of it. As he stood there, he lifted his little head up and
said,
"Jesus, I don't have anything to give you today, but just me. I give
you
me!"

And we know that all things work together for good to them that love
God, to them who are the called according to his purpose...


Have a Moving Moment to share? Send it to
mailto:Firesongs_Funnies@hotmail.com?subject=MOMENT


yeah that's a good match



I pulled into a crowded parking lot and rolled down the car
windows to make sure my Labrador retriever had fresh air.
She was stretched out on the back seat, and I wanted to
impress upon her that she must remain there. I walked to
the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying
emphatically, "Now you stay. Do you hear me? Stay!"

The driver of a nearby car gave me a startled look. "I don't
know about you, lady," he said incredulously. "But I usually
just put my car in park."

[Contributed to Reader's Digest.]





THE WIT WIZARD savagely exposes America's frauds, fools, freaks & foibles, harpoons the hypocrites and punctures the pompous with biting social satire daily or weekly...


An EzineADventure AD. Click here - Get Your FREE Ads NOW!





OHHHH, now that's a great start.


Put a shallow pan or dish with one cup of ammonia on the top
shelf of your oven. Put boiling water in a bowl or pan on the
shelf below the one with ammonia. Put this in overnight. The
fumes loosen baked on stains making it easier to wipe up in the morning....





This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must
follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false
to any man.
--William Shakespeare, from Hamlet

                        Bonus Quote

The remarkable thing about Shakespeare is that he really
is very good, in spite of all the people who say he is
very good.
--Robert Graves, English critic





EARLY-STAGE CANCERS MIGHT NOT NEED CHEMO
A new report, issued in the Journal of the National Cancer
Institute, would seem to show that many post-menopausal
women may find no benefit from the use of chemotherapy to
treat early-stage breast cancer. The report could be good
news to those who find that the "cure is worse than the
disease," when taking the often-debilitating "chemo"
treatments. The publication quotes a study coordinated by
doctors at a cancer center in New York City. The key to
knowing whether or not the traditional chemical treatments
are warranted can be a check of what is called hormone
sensitivity. Nearly 200,000 cases were compared in the
multi-state study. Estrogen sensitivity levels were
examined in the statistics used by researchers who
arrived at the new findings.


I can't believe it started that High.



& now your at the end of the letter, I hope that you enjoyed

The times on this one are seconds for 28K modem,
seconds for 56k modem & seconds for cable/dsl

thanks, David 1