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The News letter, 020711

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By the way, on some of the pictures, if you hover your pointer over the picture, ya might find a comment from me on it,
now that I've learned how to do that.

Now its time for the show to start & I think we'll start now!!!!

Nope ya really shouldn't drop
that kind of stuff.

Today's thought is:
As we enter into a new day, let's consider what we are carrying that
does not belong. Have we really freed ourselves from the burdens and
cares of yesterday? Or are we carrying them like dead weight into
today? Have we let go of pointless anger? Have we tried to forgive and
forget? Or are we still cluttered with fear and frustration and

Yesterday has forever passed, and tomorrow will forever elude us.
Today is the only day we have.

Today, I will try to start fresh, free of the burdens of yesterday.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Today's meditation comes from the book
Help for Helpers by  copyright 1989
available through our online bookstore at:

Stolen from: FarmJokes.com
To sign up --> http://www.farmjokes.com
[Copyright 1997-2001 FarmJokes.com / The Humor Network LLC]
[All Rights reserved.]
==================== http://www.ThievingJoker.net ====================

A few years ago, my high school sweetheart and I connected again after
many years and a few bad marriages. Things were still great between us
and we starting dating again. During the first month, we visited one
of his sisters who lived in the country (the family of 6 kids grew up
way out in the country, while I'm a city girl). After the visit, my
then-boyfriend (now husband) heard the call of nature and decided to
answer it on the country lane. We were in the Kansas Flinthills where
the hills are just small enough not to give you airsickness and large
enough to hide a car or truck for a few moments. As luck would have
it, the traffic was sparse. As he's standing next to the closed truck
door, his head is constantly swiveling from side to side checking for
traffic. When it looks like he's almost finished, I decided to honk
the horn (without him seeing me). I've never seen anyone move so fast!
Fortunately, he didn't hurt himself. Unfortunately, he wasn't quite
finished. He thought he had missed a car traveling one way while he
was looking the other! When he realized whose horn was honked, I
thought I'd choke from the laughter at the look of disbelief on his
face! His innocent, sweet girlfriend had an ornery streak. Obviously,
he's gotten me back in other ways since then but we both still laugh
and are thankful that he didn't zip too fast!

A Belgian driver, 82, who wrongly believed he was on the right side of
the motorway caused six accidents.

The pensioner told police he was convinced everyone else was wrong as he drove eight miles (12.8 kilometres) along the wrong side of a ring road.

My boyfriend and I met online and we'd been dating for over a year. I
introduced Hans to my uncle, who was fascinated by the fact that we
met over the Internet. He asked Hans what kind of line he had used to
pick me up. Ever the geek, Hans naively replied, "I just used a
regular 56K modem."

[Contributed to Reader's Digest by Anne McConnell.]

Stolen from: Bonehead-Of-The-Day
To sign up --> http://Bonehead.Oddballs.com
All materials written by Jerry Lerman are Copyright 2002 by Jerry
Lerman. All Rights Reserved.
==================== http://www.ThievingJoker.net ====================

Two Tampa Bay, Florida, men (our first bonehead award winners)
suffered burns, bruises, ear drum damage and destroyed their car when
the 10 balloons they had filled with highly explosive acetylene (as in
"acetylene torch") for a Fourth of July party exploded after having
been taken into their car with them.

Bay News 9 Radio (Tampa Bay, Florida) 5-Jul-02


Bonehead award two to goes David S. Wollard, a Rockledge, Florida man,
arrested for emailing a fake threat against Patrick Air Force Base to
the Pentagon with the sender of the email displayed as, amazingly,
David S. Wollard, according to police who went to David S. Wollard's

He says he sent it to see if the system works so he must be happy.

Herald Tribune (Florida) 5-Jul-02
or http://shorterlink.com/?K0YCP2


Bonehead award three goes to all those people who made it necessary
for a company which manufacturers gas cylinders for campers, to put a
warning on the cylinders telling people not to flush the metal
cylinder down the toilet.

New Scientist


It only took a couple of plastic spoons for two inmates in the new
Brownsville, Texas, $19 million maximum-security prison to escape.
They used the plastic spoons to pick the lock.

And what said County Commissioner Carlos Cascos?

"Spoons? Imagine what they can do with a fork."

Turns out that the lack of deadbolt locks on some doors has been known
to be a problem for some time but was never corrected. Also, the
sheriff's office forgot to notify the police of the escape.

The Brownsville Herald (Brownsville, Texas) 2-Jul-02
or http://shorterlink.com/?A9R8M9

A minister and his wife sued a guide-dog school for $160,000 after a
blind man learning to use a seeing-eye dog trod on the woman's toes in
a shopping mall. Southeastern Guide Dogs Inc., a 13-year old guide-dog
school and the only one of its kind in the Southeast, raises and
trains seeing-eye dogs at no cost to the visually impaired. The
is located about 35 miles south of Tampa. The lawsuit was brought by

Christian and her husband, the Rev. William Christian. Each sought
$80,000. The couple filed suit 13 months after Ms Christian's toe was
stepped on and reportedly broken by a blind man who was learning to
use his new guide dog, Freddy, under the supervision of an instructor.
They were practicing at a shopping mall. According to witnesses, Ms
Christian made no effort to get out of the blind man's way because she
"wanted to see if the dog would walk around me".
(Source: ATRA http://www.atra.org and Houston Chronicle, 95-10-27)
{Sometimes you get what you darn well asked for!}

Sunday School Chips

The teacher asked the children in the Sunday School class,
"If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and
gave all my money to the church, would I get into Heaven?"

"NO"! the children all answered.

"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and
kept everything neat and tidy, would I get into Heaven"?
Again, the answer was "NO"!

"Well," the teacher continued, "then how can I get to
Heaven?"  In the back of the room, a 5 year old boy
shouted out, "You gotta be dead

On doctor's orders, Melling had moved to
Arizona. Two weeks later, he was dead.
His body was shipped back home, where
the undertaker prepared it for the services.

Melling's brother came in to make sure
everything was taken care of. "Would you
like to see the body?" the undertaker asked.

"I might as well take a look at it before the
others get here." The undertaker led him into
the next room and opened the top half of the
casket. He stood back and proudly displayed
his work.

"He looks good," the brother said. "Those two
weeks in Arizona were just the thing for him."

Famous Last Words

** I'll get a world record for this..

** It's fireproof.

** He's probably just hibernating.

** What does this button do?

** I'm making a citizen's arrest.

** So, you're a cannibal.

** It's probably just a rash.

** Are you sure the power is off?

** Yeah, I made the deciding vote on the jury,
   so what of it?

** The odds of that happening have to be a
   million to one!

** Pull the pin and count to what?

** Which wire was I supposed to cut?

** I wonder where the mother bear is.

** I've seen this done on TV.

** These are the good kind of mushrooms.

** I'll hold it, and you light the fuse.

** Let it down slowly.

** Rat poison only kills rats.

** Just take whatever you want, this is a
   ghost town.

** It's strong enough for both of us.

** This doesn't taste right.

** I can make this light before it changes.

** Nice doggie.

** I can do that with my eyes closed.

** I've done this before.

** Well, we've made it this far.

** That's odd.

** You wouldn't hit a guy with glasses on,
   would you?

** Don't be so superstitious.

** Now watch this.

** What duck?

The boss called one of his employees into the office.

"Rob," he said, "you've been with the company for a year. You started
off in the post room, one week later you were promoted to a sales
position, and one month after that you were promoted to district manager
of the sales department. Just four short months later, you were promoted
to vice-chairman. Now it's time for me to retire, and I want you to take
over the company. What do you say to that?"

"Thanks," said the employee.

"Thanks?" the boss replied. "Is that all you can say?"

"I suppose not," the employee said. "Thanks, Dad."

THE WIT WIZARD savagely exposes America's frauds, fools, freaks & foibles, harpoons the hypocrites and punctures the pompous with biting social satire daily or weekly...

An EzineADventure AD. Click here - Get Your FREE Ads NOW!

Police in Colorado have arrested a man who fell asleep on a
bedroom furniture display.

Officers in Glenwood Springs say he lay down in We-B-Beds
after doing his shopping falling into a deep sleep.

The store staff couldn't wake him and called police, who
discovered he had an outstanding warrant for contempt of

They arrested him and he's being held in the county jail.

YES James,
I'm thinking of you


Since the Taliban cannot stand nudity and consider it a sin to
see a naked woman that is not a wife, this Saturday afternoon
at 2:00 pm Eastern time, all North American women are asked
to walk out of their house completely naked to help weed out
any neighborhood terrorists. Circling your block for one hour
is recommended for this anti-terrorist effort.

All men are to position themselves in lawn chairs in front of
their house to prove they think it's okay to see other women
nude. And since the Taliban also does not approve of alcohol,
a cold six-pack at your side is further proof of your anti-Taliban

The United States of America appreciates your efforts to root
out terrorists and applauds your participation.  God Bless America!
Come on guys, get out there and support the gals as they root out
the terrorists hiding in YOUR neighborhood.

Conversation Heard on Noah's Ark:

10. "Hey, there are more that two flies in here!"

9. "I finally get a bass boat and now I have to take the whole family..."

8. "Wasn't someone supposed to put two shovels on board?"

7. "Help! I need some Pepto for the elephants--QUICK!"

6. "OK, who's the wise-guy who brought the mosquitoes on board?"

5. "Don't make me pull this Ark over and come back there!"

4. "No, Ham, you cannot eat the pig!"

3. "And whatever you do, DO NOT pull this plug out."

2. "Nice doggie!"

1. "Are we there yet?"

Did Ya know Or Do Ya Care? 020709

Monkeys don't get fleas.

10 days after my one-year-old's photo shoot, I returned to the
studio to view the pictures on a color monitor.

The photographer started describing the merits of each photo,
but as he went through the set, he spoke so quickly that I couldn't
get a word in as he pressed home his sales pitch.

Finally, after we'd seen all 20 poses, he asked me which ones I
was most interested in.

"None," I replied.  "This isn't my child."

BLT Salad

1/2 head lettuce -- or more, cut in bitesize pieces
2 tomatoes -- diced
3/4 pound bacon -- diced
3 slices bread -- toasted and cut into 1" squares
1/2 cup mayonnaise
1/2 teaspoon dillweed
Dice and drain tomatoes.
Fry bacon until crisp and drain. Let bacon
cool and mix with lettuce, mayonnaise and dillweed.
Chill. Just before serving mix in toasted bread.
NOTES : These measurements are all approximate. This is low carb if
you use a bread like Oroweat Lite Wheat Bread which s 5.5 gr. per
slice. You could omit the bread, but it comes out to only about 8
grams of carbs per serving.

Cheesy bread pudding recipe

1/2 cup butter or margarine
10 slices white bread cut into 1-inch cubes
3 cups shredded Cheddar cheese
2 cups milk
3 eggs, separated
1/2 tsp salt
1/2 tsp dry mustard
1/2 tsp red pepper
Melt butter; add bread cubes, stirring until coated.
Add cheese and stir well. Combine milk, egg yolks, salt,
mustard, and pepper; beat well. Pour over bread cubes.
 Beat egg whites (at room temperature) until stiff but not
dry; fold into the bread mixture. Spoon into a lightly greased
12x8x2-inch baking dish. Cover and chill overnight. Bake, uncovered, at
325 degrees for 30 minutes or until set.

Completely understood !

Did Ya' Know:
Thinking of retiring but don't want to pay a fortune
in taxes?  Seven states have no personal income tax,
five have no sales tax, and roughly 36 don't tax
Social Security checks.  Scott Salmon of KPMG says
New Hampshire, South Dakota, and Tennessee top the
list of the most tax-friendly states.  If you want
the sun too, Florida and Texas come close.

In creating his paintings and sketches, John James
Audubon refused to use stuffed models.  Instead, he
used real birds that had been freshly killed and
wired into natural-looking poses.  To keep his
models fresh, he was known to shoot dozens of birds
per painting.

Blood races through the human arteries at
3 feet (90cm) a second.

*grin* It makes people wonder!


If your toilet ball float is leaking and filling with water here
is a useful trick to tide you over until you can get a new one.
Take off the float (by unscrewing it), empty it, then screw it
back on and wrap it in a plastic bag.

Avoid wearing yellow anywhere where there are annoying
and biting insects as it attracts insects.

And for those who camp a lot in the summer....Matches can
be waterproofed by dipping the heads in candle wax. A box
of matches can last twice as long by slicing each match
lengthwise in half.

One of the neatest tricks I have EVER seen....If you have
scuff marks on vinyl, take a rubber sole shoe (tennis shoes)
wipe across it and it will come off....presto!!

& now your at the end of the letter, I hope that you enjoyed

The times on this one are seconds for 28K modem,
seconds for 56k modem & seconds for cable/dsl

thanks, David 1