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The News letter, 020701

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By the way, on some of the pictures, if you hover your pointer over the picture, ya might find a comment from me on it,
now that I've learned how to do that.

Now its time for the show to start & I think we'll start now!!!!

    There was once a newly ordained priest
who joined the staff of a large, well-to-do
parish. His boss, the senior priest, had
been there for many years and was steeped
in wisdom. The young priest was very full
of himself, having taken a number of prizes
for preaching in seminary. He was particularly
proud of his efforts in the pulpit.
    Indeed, he said to his boss one day,
"Father, there is not a subject in the world
that I could, at the drop of a hat, find a
Biblical text for and then be able to preach
a sermon." The senior priest decided to put
his young charge to the test.
    "Well, my boy," he said, "don't you be
preparing any sermon for mass next Sunday.
Instead, when you get into the pulpit you
will find a sealed envelope which I will
have put there. Inside the envelope there
will be a single sheet of paper on which I
will have written a one word topic. I defy
you to find any kind of text that will fit."
    The young priest looked forward to the
test with relish. The day came. He ascended
the stairs into the pulpit. His boss was
squirming with anticipation. The young man
opened the envelope, glanced at the sheet of
paper on which was written the one word,
"CONSTIPATION", and proclaimed: "And Moses
took the two tablets and went off down the

A Deep Voice

A man walks along a lonely beach. Suddenly
he hears a deep voice:  DIG!
He looks around: nobody's there.  "I am
having hallucinations," he thinks. Then
he hears the voice again: I SAID, DIG !
So he starts to dig in the sand with his
bare hands, and after some inches, he finds
a small chest with a rusty lock.
The deep voice says: OPEN!
Ok, the man thinks, let's open the thing.
He finds a rock with which to destroy the
lock, and when the chest is finally open,
he sees a lot of gold coins.
The deep voice says: TO THE CASINO!
Well the casino is only a few miles away,
so the man takes the chest and walks to the
The deep voice says: ROULETTE!
So he changes all the gold into a huge pile
of roulette tokens and goes to one of the
tables where the players gaze at him with
The deep voice says: 27!
The man takes the whole pile and drops it
at the 27. The table nearly bursts. Everybody
is quiet when the croupier throws the ball.
The ball stays at the 26.
The deep voice says: OOOPS!

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              Cats Flattened While You Watch.

   I May Be Fat but You're Ugly - and I Can Lose Weight.

             Stamp Out Crime - Abolish the IRS

              Dare to keep the CIA off Drugs.

               Stupid People Shouldn't Breed.

        Kissing a Smoker is like Licking an Ashtray

                    Happiness is Coming.

             Have You Flogged Your Crew Today?

            Forget the Whales, Save the Cowboy.

   Eat American Lamb. Ten Million Coyotes Can't be Wrong.

This is a most unusual paragraph. How quickly
can you find out what is so unusual about it?
It looks so ordinary, you'd think nothing was
wrong with it.  And in fact, nothing is wrong
with it.  It is unusual, why?  Study it. Think
about it and you may find out. Try to do it
without coaching.  If you work at it for a bit,
it will dawn on you. So jump to it! Try your
skill at figuring it out!

Good Luck - Don't blow your cool!

= = = = = =

The Answer


There is not one letter "E" in the whole paragraph!

Did Ya Know Or Do Ya Care?

Armadillos can walk under water.

Can you pass the Baby Boomer Quiz?

1. Name the Beatles, first and last names.

2. Finish this line: "Lions, and tigers, and bears ..." (2 words)

3. "Hey kids, what time is it?" (4 words)

4. What do M&Ms do?

5. What helps build strong bodies 12 ways?

6. Before he was Mohammed Ali, before he was The Greatest,
we knew him as ... (2 words)

7. "You'll wonder where the yellow went, ..." (7 words)

8. Before he was the Skipper's little buddy, Bob Denver was
Dobie's best  friend, ... (First and last names, and middle initial)

9. "M-I-C See ya real soon. K-E-Y ..." (5 words)

10. A 'streaker' is someone who might run across campus wearing

11. "Brylcream: ..." (6 words)

12. Bob Dylan advised us never to trust anyone .... (2 words)

13. "I wonder, wonder who-o-o-o-o ..." (6 words)

14. "War, uh-huh, huh, yeah, what is it good for? ..." (2 words)

15. Where have all the flowers gone?

16. Superman, "disguised as Clark Kent, mild mannered reporter
for a great metropolitan newspaper, fights a never ending battle
for truth, justice, and  ..." (3 words)

17. Who came from the University of Alabama to become one
of the greatest QB's in NFL history and appeared in a TV
commercial wearing women's pantyhose?
Extra credit if you know his nickname!

18. "I'm Popeye the sailor man! I'm Popeye the sailor man!
I'm strong to the finish ..." (5 words)

19. Who played Peter Pan before all these other imitators?

20. In "The Graduate," Benjamin Braddock (Dustin Hoffman)
was advised about  his future and told to consider one thing.                


21. In 1962, a dejected politician, having lost a race for governor,
announced his retirement and chastised the press saying,
"Just think, you don't have ... to kick around any more."
(2 words) And he lied!

22. "Every morning at the mine you could see him arrive/
He stood six foot six, weighed 245/
Kinda broad at the shoulder and narrow at the hip/
And everybody knew you didn't give no lip to ..." (2 words)

23. Where did Fats Domino find his thrill? (3 words)

24. "Good night, Mrs. Calabash, ..." (3 words)

25. "Good night, Chet. ..." (3 words)

26. "Liar, liar, ..." (3 words)
And it's not a Jim Carrey movie!

27. "When it's least expected, you're elected.
You're the star today! Smile! ..." (4 words)

28. Who put the bop in the bop she-bop she-bop?



Here we go with answers:

1. John Lennon,
Paul McCartney (Sir),
George Harrison,
Ringo Starr

2. Oh, my!

3. It's Howdy Doody Time!

4. Melt in your mouth, not in your hand.

5. Wonder Bread

6. Casius Clay

7. "When you brush your teeth with Pepsodent"

8. Maynard G. Crebbs

9. "... why, because we like you"

10. Nothing but a smile!

11. "A little dab will do ya"

12. over 30!

13. "...who wrote the book of love"

14. "Absolutely nothing!"

15. "They've gone to graveyards, every one."

16. The American way"

17. "Joe Nameth" aka "Broadway Joe" aka "Joe Willie"

18. "...'cause I eats me spinach"

19. Mary Martin

20. "Plastic"

21. Dick Nixon

22. "Big John"

23. on blueberry hill

24. "...wherever you are"

25. "Good night, David"

26. "...pants on fire"

27. "You're on Candid Camera"

28. "Who put the ram in the ram-a-lamb-a-ding-dong"

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Airline  Chips


All the passengers go out onto the runway, grab hold of the plane, push it
until it gets in the air, hop on, jump off when it hits the ground again.
Then they grab the plane again, push it back into the air, hop on, etcetera.

DOS with QEMM Airline

The same thing but with more leg room to push.

Windows 3.x Airlines

The airport terminal is nice and colorful, with friendly stewards and
stewardesses, easy access to the plane, and a completely uneventful
takeoff...then, once in the air, the plane blows up without any warning

Windows '95 Airlines

The terminal is very neat and clean, the attendants are all very attractive
and the pilots very capable. The fleet is immense. After your plane arrives
6 months late, you begin to wonder why it has not arrived yet. Your jet
takes off without a hitch, pushing above the clouds, and at 20,000 feet it
crashes without warning.

Mac Airways

The cashiers, flight attendants, and pilots all look the same, feel the same
and act the same. When asked questions about the flight they reply that you
don't want to know, don't need to know, and that everything will be done for
you without you having to know, so just shut up and please return to your
seat and watch the movie.

OS/2 Skyways

It's almost empty, with only a few prospective passengers milling about.
Airline personnel walk around, apologizing profusely to customers in hushed
voices, pointing from time to time to the sleek, powerful jets outside the
terminal on the field. They tell each passenger how good the real flight
will be on these new jets and how much safer it will be than Windows
Airlines, but that they will have to wait a little longer for the
technicians to finish the flight systems.

To board the plane, you have your ticket stamped ten different times by
standing in ten different lines. Then you fill out a form showing where you
want to sit and whether the plan should look and feel like an ocean liner, a
passenger train, or a bus. If you succeed in getting on board the plane and
the plane succeeds in getting off the ground, you have a wonderful trip...
except for the times when the rudder and flaps get frozen in position, in
which case you have time to say your prayers and get in crash position.

Fly Windows NT

All the passengers carry their seats out onto the tarmac, placing the chairs
in the outline of a plane, says the password in unison, and forms the
outline of an airplane. They all sit down, flap their arms and make jet
swooshing sounds as if they are flying.

Wings of OS/400

The airline has bought ancient DC-3s, arguably the best and safest planes
that ever flew and painted "747" on their tails to make them look as if they
are fast. The flight attendants, of course, attend to your every need,
though the drinks cost $15 a pop. Stupid questions cost $230 per hour,
unless you have Support Line, which requires a first class ticket and
membership in the frequent flyer club.

MVS Airlines

The passengers all gather in the hanger, watching hundreds of technicians
check the flight systems on this immense, luxury aircraft. This plane has at
least 10 engines and seats over 1,000 passengers. All the passengers
scramble aboard, as do the necessary complement of 200 technicians. The
pilot takes his place up in the glass cockpit. He guns the engines, only to
realize that the plane is too big to get through the hangar doors!

Unix Express

Each passenger brings a piece of the airplane and a box of tools to the
airport. They gather on the tarmac, arguing constantly about what kind of
plane they want to build and how to put it together. Eventually, they build
several different aircraft, but give them all the same name. Some passengers
actually reach their destinations. All passengers believe they got there.

Mach Airline

There is no airplane. The passengers gather and shout for an airplane, then
wait and wait and wait and wait. A bunch of people come, each carrying one
piece of the plane with them. These people all go out on the runway and put
the plane together piece by piece, arguing constantly about what kind of
plane they're building. The plane finally takes off, leaving the passengers
on the ground waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting. After the plane
lands, the pilot telephones the passengers at the departing airport to
inform them that they have arrived.

Newton Airline

After buying your tickets 18 months in advance, you finally get to board the
plane. Upon boarding the plane, you are asked for your name. After 4-6
times, the crew member recognizes your name and you are then allowed to take
your seat. As you are getting ready to take your eat, the steward announces
that you will have to repeat the boarding process because they are out of
room and need to recount to make sure they can take more passengers.

Investment  Chips

STOCK: A magical piece of paper that is worth $33.75 until the moment
you buy it. It will then be worth $8.50.

BOND: What you had with your spouse until you pawned his/her golf clubs
to invest in Amazon.com.

BROKER: The person you trust to help you make major financial decisions.

Please note the first five letters of this word spell "Broke".

BEAR: What your trade account and wallet will be when you take a flyer
on that hot stock tip your secretary gave you.

BULL: What your broker uses to explain why your mutual funds tanked
during the last quarter.

MARGIN: Where you scribble the latest quotes when you're supposed to be
listening to your manager's presentation.

SHORT POSITION: A type of trade where, in theory, a person sells stocks
he doesn't actually own. Since this also only ever works in theory, a
short position is what a person usually ends up being in (i.e. "The
rent, sir?" "Hahaha, well, I'm a little short this month.").

COMMISSION: The only reliable way to make money on the stock market,
which is why your broker charges you one.

YAK: What you do into a pail when you discover your stocks have plunged
and your broker is making a margin call.

     This joke and others like it, can be found in:
                     The Loony Bin

A "blonde" soldier was on sentry duty at the main gate. His orders were
No car was to enter unless it had a special sticker on the windshield.

A big Army car came up with a general seated in the back.
The sentry said, "Halt, who goes there?"

The chauffeur, a corporal, says, "General Wheeler."
"I'm sorry, I can't let you through. You've got to have a sticker on
the windshield."

The general said, "Drive on!"
The sentry said, "Hold it! You really can't come through.
I have orders to shoot if you try driving in without a sticker."

The general repeated, "I'm telling you, son, drive on!"

The sentry walked up to the rear window and said -
"General, I'm new at this. Do I shoot you or the driver?"

Help moving

Some time back, my cousin, Steve moved to a new apartment.
Steve had a business commitment out of town that weekend and
so I and my three brothers all chipped in to help his wife
move the furniture. The new apartment was on the third floor.
We hauled everything up the three flights of stairs and
around the tight corner through the kitchen put them where
they belonged.

Finally, we came to the large couch. After hauling it up three
flights to the top of the stairs, we discovered it would not
go around the corner through the kitchen. We took it back out
into the hall and turned it and tried again. It still wouldn't

Finally all of us boosted the couch from the back of the truck
up the side of the building. From the third floor, we passed
the couch up and over the railing of the tiny balcony and in
through the sliding doors into the living room.  We all cool-
lapsed on the couch to catch our breath and made a pact that
we would not tell Steve how we got the couch into the apart-
ment. "The next time he moves," we conspired, "he will have to
figure out how to get the couch out of there on his own. It
will be our little secret.  He will have to take a saw to it!"

As luck would have it, Steve found a place he liked better
about three months later.  It really was a busy weekend at
work, and none of us were available to help move.  We waited
eagerly to hear from Steve but there was nothing.  Finally,
after several days of waiting, I asked Steve, "So, did you
get everything moved OK?"

"Sure," he replied.
"Did you run into any problems?"

"Now, wait a minute, we had to drag the couch up the outside
of the building and haul it over the railing! How did you get
it out of the living room? It didn't fit through the kitchen!"

Steve looked at me with total disbelief and said
"Geez, you
idiots, the legs unscrew!"

Today's thought is:
Martyrs set bad examples.
- David Russell

Sometimes we call people "martyrs." We think of them as victims.
They suffer, but sometimes not for a cause. They play "poor me." They
want people to notice how much they suffer. They are afraid to really
live. These are the people who set bad examples.

True martyrs died for causes they believed in. We remember them
because they were so full of energy and spirit.

We can also live a life full of energy and spirit. Recovery helps us live
better. Let's go for it!

Prayer for the Day
Higher Power, thanks for giving me energy and for healing my spirit.
Help me live fully by putting my life in Your care.

Action for the Day
What kind of example do I set? Does my life reflect joy for life and

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Today's meditation comes from the book
Keep It Simple by Anonymous copyright 1989
available through our online bookstore at:

& now your at the end of the letter, I hope that you enjoyed

The times on this one are 72 seconds for 28K modem,
43 seconds for 56k modem & 20 seconds for cable/dsl

thanks, David 1