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The News letter, 020701-2

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By the way, on some of the pictures, if you hover your pointer over the picture, ya might find a comment from me on it,
now that I've learned how to do that.

Now its time for the show to start & I think we'll start now!!!!

After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments,
young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was
to try counseling.
They had been at each other's throat for some time and felt that this
was their last straw.
When they arrived at the counselor's office, the counselor jumped right
in and opened the floor for discussion.
"What seems to be the problem?"
Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to
On the other hand, the wife began talking 100 miles an hour describing
all the wrongs within their marriage. After 5 then 10 then 15 minutes of
listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by
her shoulders, kissed her passionately for several minutes, and sat her
back down.
Afterwards, the wife sat there speechless. He looked over at the husband
who was staring in disbelief at what had happened. The counselor spoke
to the husband, "Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!" The
husband scratched his head and replied, "I can have her here on Tuesdays
and Thursdays.

New Jersey police have charged three teenagers with putting a
preserved pig's heart in their teacher's coffee cup.

They say two 16-year-olds and a 17-year-old put the heart
in the supply teacher's cup during an English lesson.

Detectives say the teacher drank from the cup but didn't
swallow any of the heart. They say the boys got the heart from
a biology lab. The woman fell ill after ingesting formaldehyde.

She hasn't suffered any long-term health problems. The boys
have been charged with assault.

School officials learned of the prank after concerned pupils
told teachers about the incident. After the incident, the boys
allegedly removed the heart and threw it out of a window, but
it was later retrieved by police.

The teacher says she doesn't know why they picked on her.
The three boys have been suspended and will appear in court
later this summer.

Did Ya Know Or Do Ya Care?

19 million Americans own bowling balls.

The Walls

The new pastor decided to visit the children's Sunday School. 
The teacher introduced him and said, "Pastor, this morning
we're studying Joshua."       

"That's wonderful," said the new Pastor, "let's see what you're
learning. Who tore down the walls of Jericho?"

Little Billy shyly raised hand and offered, "Pastor, I didn't do

Taken aback the Pastor asked, "Come on, now, who tore
down the walls of Jericho?"

Teacher, interrupting, said, "Pastor, Billy's a good boy. If he
says he didn't do it, I believe he didn't do it."

Flustered, the Pastor went to the Sunday School director and
related the story to him.

The Director looking worried, explained, "Well, sir, we've had
some problems with Billy before. Let me talk to him and see
what we can do."

Really bothered now, by the answers of the teacher and the
director, the new Pastor approached the deacons and related
the whole story, including the responses of the teacher and the

A white-haired gentleman thoughtfully stroked his chin and
said, "Well, Pastor, I move we just take the money from the
general fund to pay for the walls and leave it at that."


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1. It takes the odor out of books and photo albums that don't
get opened too often.

2. Repel mosquitoes. Tie a sheet of Bounce through a belt
loop when outdoors during mosquito season.

3. Eliminate static electricity from your television screen.
Since Bounce is designed to help eliminate static cling, wipe
your television screen with a used sheet of Bounce to keep
dust from resettling.

4. Dissolve soap scum from shower doors. Clean with a used
sheet of Bounce.

5. Freshen the air in your home. Place an individual sheet
of Bounce in a drawer or hang one in the closet.

6. Prevent thread from tangling. Run a threaded needle
through a sheet of Bounce before beginning to sew.

7. Prevent musty suitcases. Place an individual sheet of
Bounce inside empty luggage before storing.

8. Freshen the air in your car. Place a sheet of Bounce
under the front seat.

9. Clean baked-on food from a cooking pan. Put a sheet in
the pan, fill with water, let sit overnight, and sponge
clean. The antistatic agents apparently weaken the bond
between the food and the pan while the fabric softening
agents soften the baked-on food.

10. Eliminate odors in wastebaskets. Place a sheet of Bounce
at the bottom of the wastebasket.

11. Collect cat hair. Rubbing the area with a sheet of
Bounce will magnetically attract all the loose hairs.

12. Eliminate static electricity from Venetian blinds. Wipe
the blinds with a sheet of Bounce to prevent dust from

13. Wipe up sawdust from drilling or sand papering. A used
sheet of Bounce will collect sawdust like a tack cloth.

14. Eliminate odors in dirty laundry. Place an individual
sheet of Bounce at the bottom of a laundry bag or hamper.

15. Deodorize shoes or sneakers. Place a sheet of Bounce
in your shoes or sneakers overnight so they'll smell better
in the morning.

Five junior officers were given an assignment by the base commander
to provide him with the height of the main flagpole. Knowing the
dangers associated with ladders and junior officers, the Captain
forbid them to climb on anything to make the measurement.

The flagpole was a flurry of activity...the officers ran around with
notebooks and calculators, using complicated math formulas to try
and ascertain the flagpole's height using the length of its shadow
and the position of the sun.

But the calculations did not come out right, no matter how hard they
tried.  Just when they were ready to give up, a salty Chief came walking
by. The Officers quickly told him of their plight, and asked him for
help. The Chief grudgingly agreed to assist.

Cursing under his breath, the Chief studied the situation for a moment,
grabbed a measuring tape out of one of the bewildered officers hand,
and quickly went to work.  He calmly pulled the flag pole out of its
mount, laid it down and measured it.

He then stood the pole back up in its mount, shouted to the officers
"15 feet" and walked off.

The Officers were shaking their heads in disbelief.  "Isn't it just
like a Chief," one disgusted officer said. "They are always trying
feed you a line. You ask him for the height, and he gives you the length."

Two hunters got a pilot to fly them into the far north for
elk hunting. They were quite successful in their venture and
bagged six big bucks. The pilot came back, as arranged, to
pick them up.

They started loading their gear into the plane, including the
six elk. But the pilot objected and he said, "The plane can
only take four of your elk; you will have to leave two behind."

They argued with him; the year before they had shot six and
the pilot had allowed them to put all aboard. The plane was the
same model and capacity. Reluctantly, the pilot finally permitted
them to put all six aboard. But when the attempted to take off
and leave the valley, the lit
tle plane could not make it and
they crashed into the wilderness.

Climbing out of the wreckage, one hunter said to the other,
"Do you know where we are?"

"I think so," replied the other hunter. "I think this is about
the same place where we crashed last year."

Three physicians, a Russian, a Cuban and an American were all in the same
train compartment heading for
an international medical conference. The door opened and a managed care
executive came in and sat down.
The others politely ignored him and continued their animated conversation.
The Russian took a large bottle of the finest Vodka from his briefcase. He
poured a glass for each of them and declared, "My country produces the
finest Vodka in the world! Nowhere else will you taste Vodka this good. Not
only that, but we have so much of it that we can just throw it away."
With that, he stood up and threw the rest of the bottle out of the window.
The other companions were quite impressed.
The Cuban, not to be outdone, pulled a large package of Havana Cigars out of
his valise. He handed one to each man and said, "No country in the world
produces cigars like we do in Cuba. The finest! Everywhere in my land they
are so plentiful that we just open a pack and toss the rest away."
He then threw the rest of the pack out the train window.
Again, the others were very impressed.
At that point, the American physician, without a word, got up from his seat
and tossed the managed care
executive out the window.

Blonde Moment Chips

The receptionist was instructed to call a vendor.  Using the
vendor's invoice as the source of the phone number she began

Each time she called, her phone would ring.  When she answered,
no one was there. This continued throughout the morning.

When later asked if she reached the vendor she explained what was
happening and demonstrated for her superior.

He noticed that the phone number she was calling (which was on the
vendor's invoice) WAS THEIR OWN PHONE NUMBER!  She had spent an
entire morning calling herself.


If a man is bald in front, he's a thinker.
If he's bald in the back, he is a lover.
If he's bald in front and back, he thinks he's a lover.

'Papa, are you growing taller all the time?'
'No my child. Why do you ask?" 'Cause the top
of your head is poking up through your hair.'

He has wavy hair... it's waving goodbye.

He's not baldheaded... he just has flesh-colored hair.

He has less hair to comb, but more face to wash.

It's not that he's baldheaded...he just has a tall face.

There's one thing about baldness... it's neat.

There's a new remedy on the market for baldness.
It's made of alum and persimmon juice. It doesn't
grow hair, but it shrinks your head to fit what
hair you have.

He's so bald that it looks like his neck is blowing a bubble.

Note From David 1:

I sincerely hope that this next story is true ! !

The Texas Legislature is now considering a bill that would
speed up executions in heinous crimes that had more than three

If more than three people saw you do what you did, you don't
sit on death row for fifteen years.  You go
straight to the front of the line.

While other states are trying to abolish the death penalty,
Texas is putting in an express lane!

& I guess now you know where I stand on this issue.

David 1

From the I don't believe this catagory !
& I don't, David 1(shakes head & walks away.)

LONDON (Reuters) - A British theater company has dropped
the word hunchback from its stage adaptation of the classic
novel "The Hunchback of Notre Dame" to avoid offending disabled
people, newspapers reported Friday.
Oddsocks Productions has renamed its touring production
"The Bellringer of Notre Dame" after discussions with a
disability adviser raised the possibility of offending people
with spina bifida or the disfiguring scoliosis of the spine.
"We have not changed the novel in any way, we simply felt
changing the title would cause less offence of people,"
producer Elli Mackenzie was quoted as saying by the Daily
French author Victor Hugo's classic 1831 novel, set in 15th
century Paris around the cathedral of Notre Dame, tells the
tragic story of a deformed bellringer Quasimodo and his love
for a beautiful gypsy girl Esmeralda.
The novel has been translated into 20 languages and adapted
several times for the stage and screen -- including a 1939
Hollywood film starring Charles Laughton and Maureen O'Hara.
The original title of the novel was "Notre Dame de Paris,"
but its name was changed when the book was translated into
English and the hunchback has remained part of the title until
Libby Biberian of the Scoliosis Association told newspapers
she was pleased at the change.
"I would be embarrassed and offended by the original
title," she said.

You're so ugly, when you walk into the bank
they turn off the cameras.

If ugliness were bricks, you would be the
Great Wall Of China.

You're so ugly, you went to a haunted house
and came out with an application.

If ugliness was a crime, you'd get the
electric chair.

You were so ugly at birth, your parents
named you Shit Happens.

You're so ugly, your mate won't have to
worry about birth control...your face
will do just fine.

You're so ugly, you could model for death

You're so ugly, when you were born they
put tinted windows on your incubator.

You're so ugly, you have to sneak up on
your mirror.

You're so ugly, when you look in the mirror
your reflection turns to stone.

You're so ugly, when you sit in the sand
the cats try to bury you.

You're so ugly, your doctor is a vet.

You're so ugly, when you were born the
doctor took one look at you and slapped
your parents.

You're so ugly, you stuck your head out of
the car window and got arrested for

You're so ugly, your pet name is Scooby-Doo.

Your girl is so ugly, you gave her a hickey
and got a mouthful of fur.

You're so ugly, you have to Trick or Treat
by phone.

You're so ugly, when your mother went into
labour your father went into shock.

I know why you look like a horse, because I
saw your mother grazing in the field.

You're so ugly, when we play peek-a-boo
 - first I peeked, then I booed.

You're so ugly, you can sink your face in
dough and make monster cookies.

You're so ugly, they call you Taco Bell,
when people see you they run for the border.

You're so ugly, you make onions cry.

You're so ugly, the tide wouldn't bring you in.

You're so ugly, I took you to see the zookeeper
and he said, "Thanks for bringing him back."

You're so ugly, you went to a freak show and
got a permanent job.

You're so ugly, the police sketch artists are
afraid to draw you.

You're so ugly, when you get sick they call
the vet.

You're so ugly, you make blind kids cry.

You're so ugly, farmers use your picture as
a scarecrow.

You're so ugly, everytime you go out you get
chased by the dog catcher.

You're so ugly, you can't hail a bus.

You're so ugly, they call you Moses because
every time you step in the lake, the water

You're so ugly, you give Freddy Kruegger

You're so ugly, they let you park in
handicapped spaces.

You're so ugly, when you threw a boomerang
it didn't come back.

You're so ugly, when you went to the zoo
they refused to let you out.

You're so ugly, you can't get a date off
the calendar.

You're so ugly, when your mother went into
labour the doctors went on strike.

You're so ugly, your last name is Link and
your first is Missing.

You're so ugly, people put your picture in
their car window as an anti-theft device.

You're so ugly, that you can turn milk into
yogurt, just by looking at it.

A little boy was sent to a Catholic school
by his folks. Of course, he had no idea of
who Jesus, Joseph, or Mary were, and on
the first day of school, he got punished
by the teacher for not knowing such basic

Hearing upon his story, his mother soothed
him, and said, "Don't worry son. I'll sew
the answers to those questions on your collar,
and every time your teacher asks you a
question, all you have to do is to peek at
your collar."

And so she sewed the answers on her son's

The following day, the teacher came up to
him, and asked him, "Who is the Holy Virgin?"

The boy peeked at his collar and replied,

The teacher seemed a little bit surprised,
but continued on. "And who is her husband?"
After another peek at the collar, he replied,

"Why, very good son," the teacher commented.

"And for the last one," said the teacher.
"Who is their son?"

The boy peeked again at his collar and
replied confidently, "NIKE!"

When I went to get my driver's license renewed,
our local motor-vehicle bureau was packed. The
line inched along for almost an hour until the
man ahead of me finally got his license.  He
inspected his photo for a moment and commented
to the clerk, "I was standing in line so long,
I ended up looking pretty grouchy in this

Thewoman beside him peered over his shoulder,
then reassured him, "It's okay.  That's how
you're going to look when the cops pull you
over, anyway."

"Well," snarled the tough old sergeant to the
bewildered private. "I suppose after you get
discharged from the Army, you'll just be
waiting for me to die so you can come and
spit on my grave."
"Not me, Sarge!" the private replied.
"Once I get out of the Army, I'm never going
to stand in line again!"

& now your at the end of the letter, I hope that you enjoyed

The times on this one are 249 seconds for 28K modem,
148 seconds for 56k modem & 68 seconds for cable/dsl

thanks, David 1