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The News letter, 020701-1

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By the way, on some of the pictures, if you hover your pointer over the picture, ya might find a comment from me on it,
now that I've learned how to do that.

Now its time for the show to start & I think we'll start now!!!!

A Russian woman walked into an empty Moscow shop. I see you have no
vegetables today."

"No", said the shopkeeper, "this is a butcher shop. It's meat we haven't
got. The shop with no vegetables is further down the street."

Johnny's Teacher paid a visit to his house one day. When little
Johnny opened the door, she asked "Are your father and
mother in, Mr. Morton?"

"They was in, but they is out now." he answered.

The teacher gasped, "Why, Mr. Johnny Morton, it is 'They were
in, they are out now.' Where's your grammar?"

"She's upstairs taking her nap."

I had run across the term cyber sex a few times lately, so I decided to try to figure out what it meant. I figured it had something to do with the computer, so I started trying to find the sex drive on mine I looked everywhere, in all the folders on the My Computer section, the add/uninstall software, install hardware part of the control panel then I got out all the manuals and went through them. I finally came to the conclusion that my computer is not equipped with one So, I decided to go to the computer store and see if I could buy one. I wanted to look intelligent and scholarly, so I wore my math hat.
Well, the salesperson in the first store was a rather stern looking woman. I gave her the make and model of my computer and asked her if she had any sex drives in stock. She kinda scowled at me and asked me if I was trying to get smart with her, figuring she had been impressed with my math hat, I replied that I tried to be smart with everyone. She said, rather rudely I thought, that she couldn't help me and walked away. HUH, must not have had any in stock.
In the second store, I gave the salesperson the make and model of my computer and asked if they had any sex drives in stock. He kind of snickered and asked if I meant a hard drive. I thought about it for a minute and told him yeah, maybe that, but I think I should already have one installed. He started laughing at me said something about me trying to kill him. "You're killing me!" Something like that and walked away. Hmmmm, must be out here too. Must be hard to keep in stock I wasn't trying to kill him I wasn't even hurting him.
The guy in the third store laughed and asked me if I'd just fallen off the turnip truck. I assured him I'd never been on a turnip truck, but I'd fallen off the manure wagon a few times. He mumbled something about that explaining it. "She's fallen off the wagon, that explains it," like that and walked away laughing.
The guy in the fourth store said something like, "boob" under his breath and walked away. Wonder why he only noticed one? Anyway I figured they must not carry them in stores maybe have to order from a catalog or something.
So that's where I am now.
If any of you have some computer skills and could help me locate my sex drive, I would appreciate it then all I'd have to do is figure out what to do with it.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

When my wife had to rush to the hospital unexpectedly, she asked me to bring her a few items from home.
One item on her list was "comfortable underwear."
Worried I'd make the wrong choice, I asked, "How will I know which ones to pick?"
"Hold them up and imagine them on me," she answered.
"If you smile, put them back."

Three sisters ages 92, 94, and 96 live in a house together.
One night, the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and
pauses. She yells down the stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the

The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She
starts up the stairs and pauses. Then, she yells, "Was I going up the
stairs or down?"

The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea, listening to
her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that
forgetful." She knocks on wood for good measure. She then yells, "I'll
come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."

A little boy is gone to school one day and while he is gone,
his cat gets killed by a car. His mother is very concerned about
how he will take the news.

Upon his arrival home, she explains the tragedy and tries to console
the boy saying, "But don't worry, your cat is in heaven with God now."

... The boy replied,  "What's God gonna' do with a dead cat?"

Smiling is infectious,
you catch it like the flu,
When someone smiled at me today,
I started smiling too.

I passed around the corner
and someone saw my grin      
When he smiled I realized
I'd passed it on to him .
I thought about that smile
then I realized its worth,
A single smile, just like mine
could travel round the earth.

So, if you feel a smile begin,
don't leave it undetected
Let's start an epidemic quick,
and get the world infected!
Keep the smile thing going
by sending this to a friend.
Everyone needs a smile!!!

Life's embarrassing moments

OK, I'm the only female in a house full of guys.  Four
sons and one hubby.  The toilet seat is never down, etc.
Soooo, I'm the only one who would be using
"feminine products," correct?  But a strange thing
was happening at my house.  Tampons were disappearing.

{{{{{Insert Twilight Zone theme}}}}}
OK, a few months ago I went to my cupboard to get
a tampon and there was ONLY one left.  I could have
sworn I had just bought a box the month before.  So,
I go back to the store, buy a new box and forget
about it.
The next month, I go back to the cupboard, and yep,
you guessed it; there is only ONE tampon left again.
What's going on here?  Gremlins?  I go to the store
and buy another box, and forget about it again.
Well, I decided to clean out my two youngest son's
closet and lo and behold!  At the bottom of their closet
are the wrappers, the applicators and the tampons
I am starting to FREAK!  Dear God, what are they
doing with tampons?  I manage to get a hold of myself,
by telling myself, "I am an adult, damn it, and I can
handle this," despite the bizarre thoughts running through
my mind.  I'm thinking, "Do I have enough money saved
up in the bank for MAJOR THERAPY?"
I go to the top of the stairs and yell for my two youngest
sons to "COME HERE!"
They march up the stairs and find me in their room staring
into the bottom of their closet.
I said "What are you doing with these?  They're MINE!"
My 12-year old looks like a deer caught in the headlights
and is silent.  My 10-year old looks at me innocently and says,
"Well, Mom, we were playing with our GI Joes and figurines,
and those things make really good S.C.U.D. missiles!  What
do YOU use them for?"

Moral of the Day !

A man came home from work late again, tired
and irritated, to find his 5-year old son
waiting for him at the door. "Daddy, may I
ask you a question?"

"Yeah, sure, what is it?" replied the man.

"Daddy, how much money do you make an hour?"

"That's none of your business. What makes
you ask such a thing?" the man said angrily.

"I just want to know. Please tell me, how
much do you make an hour?" pleaded the little

"If you must know, I make $20.00 an hour."

"Oh," the little boy replied, head bowed.
Looking up, he said, "Daddy, may I borrow
$10.00 please?"

The father was furious. "If the only reason
you wanted to know how much money I make is
just so you can borrow some to buy a silly
toy or some other nonsense, then you march
yourself straight to your room and go to
bed. Think about why you're being so selfish.
I work long, hard hours everyday  and don't
have time for such childish games."

The little boy quietly went to his room and
shut the door. The man sat down and started
to get even madder about the little boy's
questioning. How dare he ask such questions
only to get some money. After an hour or so,
the man had calmed down, and started to think
he may have been a little hard on his son.
Maybe there was something he really needed
to buy with that $10.00 and he really didn't
ask for money very often. The man went to the
door of the little boy's room and opened the

"Are you asleep son?" he asked.

"No daddy, I'm awake," replied the boy.

"I've been thinking, may be I was too hard on
you earlier," said the man.

"It's been a long day and I took my aggravation
out on you. Here's that $10.00 you asked for.

" The little boy sat straight up, beaming. "Oh,
thank you daddy" he yelled.

Then, reaching under his pillow, he pulled out
some more crumpled up bills.The man, seeing
that the boy already had money, started to get
angry again. The little boy slowly counted out
his money, then looked up at the man. "Why did
you want more money if you already had some? "
the father grumbled.

"Because I didn't have enough, but now I do,"
the little boy replied.

"Daddy, I have $20.00 now. Can I buy an hour
of your time?"

share $20.00 worth of time with someone you
love..just a short reminder to all of us working
so hard for our living. However, let us not let
time slip through our fingers without having
spent some quality time with those who really
matter to us. 'Attitudes are more important
than facts'.

On the weekend of the biggest motorcycle gathering of the year, I was bar tending at a club nearby.  When the roaring machines pulled up outside, our patrons' eyes swung toward the door and conversation turned into uneasy whispering.
A group of tough looking bikers walked up to the bar, and one of them asked me where the phone was.  I pointed it out, and the silence in the room let everybody overhear what the biker said into the receiver.  "Hi, Mom.  Just want to let you know I'll be home late tonight."

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The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

A realty salesman had just closed his first deal, only to discover that the piece of land he had sold was completely under water.
"That customer's going to come back here pretty mad," he said to his boss.  "Should I give him his money back?"
"Money back?  Are you crazy???" roared the boss.  "What kind of salesman are you?  Get out there and sell him a houseboat."

The U.S.  Postal Service says they lost $1.7 billion.  You'd think that they, of all people, should know not to send that type of money by U.S.  mail.

Just as a young man was about to get a chest X-Ray, the equipment slipped
and his pelvic region was X-Ray'd instead. "OH, NO!" cried the lab
technician." Your reproductive organs just received a big dose of
radiation!" "What does that mean?" asked the worried young man. "It's very
serious," replied the technician. "All your children will be lawyers!"

Sick Dog

A man brought a very limp dog into the veterinary clinic. As he laid the dog on the table, Doctor Buck pulled out his stethoscope, placing the receptor on the dog's chest. After a moment or two, the Doc shook his head sadly and said, "I'm sorry, but your dog has passed away."

"What?" screamed the man. "How can you tell? You haven't done any testing on him or anything. I want another opinion!"

With that, Doc turned and left the room. In a few moments, he returned with a Labrador Retriever. The Retriever went right to work, sniffing the poor dog on the table and checking him out thoroughly. After a considerable amount of sniffing, the Retriever sadly shook his head and went, "Woof."

The veterinarian then took the Labrador out and returned in a few moments with a cat, which walked around the poor dog several times and then sadly shook his head and said, "Meow." He then jumped off the table and ran out of the room.

The veterinarian said, "There's nothing more I can do." He handed the man a bill for $600.

The dog's owner went ballistic. "$600! Just to tell me my dog is dead? This is outrageous!"

Doc shook his head sadly and explained, "If you had taken my word for it, the cost would have been $50, but... with the Lab work and the Cat scan, the bill just kept adding up."

Subject: A Few Giggles

1. The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class.
She called on him and said, "Johnny! What are 4, 2, 28 and 44?"
Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO, and the Cartoon Network!"

2. When I stopped the bus to pick up Chris for preschool, I noticed an older woman hugging him as he left the house. "Is that your grandmother?" I asked.
"Yes, "Chris said. "She's come to visit us for Christmas."
"How nice, " I said. "Where does she live?"
"At the airport," Chris replied. "Whenever we want her, we just go out there and get her."

3. I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me and always she was correct. But it was fun for me, so I continued. At last, she headed for the door, saying sagely, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these yourself!"

4. When the mother returned from the grocery store, her small son pulled out the box of animal crackers he had begged for, then he spread the animal-shaped crackers all over the kitchen counter.
"What are you doing?" his Mom asked.
"The box says you can't eat them if the seal is broken," the boy explained. "I'm looking for the seal."

5. This little grandmother was surprised by her 7 year old grandson one morning.
He had made her coffee. She drank what was the worst cup of coffee in her life.
When she got to the bottom, there were three of those little green army men in the cup.
She said, "Honey, what are these army men doing in my coffee?"
her grandson said, "Grandma, it says on TV 'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!'"

6. In the supermarket was a man pushing a cart that contained a screaming, bellowing baby.
The gentleman kept repeating softly, "Don't get excited, Albert; don't scream, Albert; don't yell, Albert; keep calm, Albert."
A woman standing next to him said, "You certainly are to be commended for trying to soothe your son, Albert."
The man looked at her and said, "Lady, I'm Albert.

7.A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a new litter of kittens.
On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother, "There were two boy kittens and two girl kittens."
"How did you know that?" his mother asked.
"Daddy picked them up and looked underneath, " he replied. "I think it's printed on the bottom."

8.While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my four-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds.
She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs.
One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass.
As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"

9.A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party.
When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit."
"And why not, darling?"
"You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning." 10.While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt.
Apparently, his five-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin.
Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.
The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: "Glory be unto the Faaaather.
And unto the Soonnn.......and into the hole he gooooes."

11.A little girl had just finished her first week of school.
"I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother.
"I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!"

A murderer has escaped from his German prison by hiding in a cardboard

The regional ministry of justice says the man escaped from the section
of Rostock prison where inmates work.

He hid in one of the boxes that are manufactured in the jail and was
shrink-wrapped inside.

Spiegel magazine says the box was then transferred to a truck which
took him out of the prison.

The 28-year-old then escaped and the truck driver alerted police when
he noticed the empty box.

Justice ministry spokesman Christian Pegel said he's been at the jail
since 2000.


Today's thought is:
Time spent attempting to change others affords little time for personal
-Georgette Vickstrom

We must be willing to change or we wouldn't be reading these words
right now. However, being willing to change is often easier than doing
it. One of the biggest changes most of us need to make is learning to let
others be who they are, regardless of who we want them to be. Most of
us think our lives would be far smoother and more productive if only
other people lived up to our standards. How wrong we are!

It we could change others as we wish, we would live far less
enlightened lives. In fact, we discover opportunities for personal
development in our interactions with the men and women who frustrate
us so. The irony is that we wish they'd change, but if they did, we
wouldn't experience the growth we deserve.

I will enhance my growth today by letting others be who they are and
working on myself.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Today's meditation comes from the book
A Woman's Spirit by Karen Casey copyright 1994
available through our online bookstore at:

& now your at the end of the letter, I hope that you enjoyed

The times on this one are 247 seconds for 28K modem,
147 seconds for 56k modem & 67 seconds for cable/dsl

thanks, David 1