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The News letter, 020623

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now that I've learned how to do that.



HE'S 15 TODAY ! !

Now its time for the show to start & I think we'll start now!!!!

Here's one about the old native American who
wanted a loan for $500. The banker pulled out
the loan application, "What are you going to
do with the money?"

"Take jewellery to city and sell it," was the

"What have you got for collateral?"

"Don't know collateral."

"Well that's something of value that would
cover the cost of the loan. Have you got any

"Yes, 1949 Chevy pickup."

The banker shook his head, "How about

"Yes, I have a horse."

"How old is it?"

"Don't know, has no teeth."

Finally the banker decided to make the $500
loan. Several weeks later the old man was back
in the bank. He pulled out a roll of bills,
"Here to pay." he said. He then handed the
banker the money to pay his loan off.

"What are you going to do with the rest of that

"Put in tepee."

"Why don't you deposit it in my bank," he asked.

"Don't know deposit."

"You put the money in our bank and we take care
of it for you. When you want to use it you can
withdraw it."

The old Indian leaned across the desk, "What you
got for collateral?"

A Romanian mayor is being investigated after ordering city
owned trash containers painted in the colors of the national flag.

Under Romanian law, any act which shows contempt towards
national signs is punishable by up to three years in jail.

But the mayor says it's ridiculous to compare a trash can with
the country's flag.

The controversial colorful containers have been removed until
the investigation is complete.

Did Ya Know Or Do Ya Care?

Average American office workers send about 36 emails a day.

The Married Man's Score Board

(NOTE: a score of "0" means it was expected of him)

Social Engagements
* You stay by her side the entire party: 0
* You stay by her side for awhile, then leave to chat with
   a college drinking buddy: -2
* Named Tiffany: -4
* Tiffany is a dancer: -6
* Tiffany has implants: -8

Saturday Afternoons
* You visit her parents: +1
* You visit her parents and actually make conversation: +3
* You visit her parents and stare vacantly at the television: -3
* And the television is off: -6
* You spend the day watching college football in your
   underwear: -6
* And you didn't even go to college: -10
* And it's not really your underwear: -15

Her Birthday
* You take her out to dinner: 0
* You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar: +1
* Okay, it's a sports bar: -2
* And it's all-you-can-eat night: -3
* It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face
   is painted the colors of your favorite team: -10
* You give her a gift: 0
* You give her a gift, and it's a small appliance: -10
* You give her a gift, and it's not a small appliance: +1
* You give her a gift, and it isn't chocolate: +2
* You give her a gift that you'll be paying off for months: +30
* You wait until the last minute and buy her a gift that day: -10
* With her credit card: -30
* And whatever you bought is two sizes too small: -40

A Night Out With Your Pals
* You have a few beers: -9
* For every beer after three: -2 again
* And miss curfew by an hour: -12
* You get home at 3 a.m.: -20
* You get home at 3 a.m. smelling of booze and cheap
   cigars: -30
* And not wearing any pants: -40
* Is that a tattoo? -200

A Night Out, Just the Two of You
* You go see a comic: +2
* He's crude and sexist: -2
* You laugh: -5
* You laugh too much: -10
* She's not laughing: -15
* You laugh harder: -25

* You lose the directions on a trip: -4
* You lose the directions and end up getting lost: -10
* You end up getting lost in a bad part of town: -15
* You get lost in a bad part of town and meet the locals
   up close and personal: -25
* She finds out you lied about having a black belt: -60

* When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen,
   displaying what looks like a concerned expression: 0
* When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes: +5
* You listen for more than 30 minutes, without looking at the
   television or picking up a newspaper: +10
* She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep: -10

The man, trying to start up a conversation with another man
said, "Who is the ugly lady over there?"

The second man said, "Why, that's my wife!"

Trying to get out of an embarrassing situation, the first man
said, "No,  not her, the other one!"

The second man said, "That's my daughter!"

A man was walking in the mountains just enjoying the scenery
when he stepped too close to the edge of the mountain and
started to fall. In desperation he reached out and grabbed a
limb of a gnarly old tree hanging onto the side of the cliff. Full
of fear he assessed his situation. He was about 100 feet down
a shear cliff and about 900 feet from the floor of the canyon
below. If he should slip again he'd plummet to his death. Full
of fear, he cries out, "Help me!" But there was no answer.
Again and again he cried out but to no avail.

Finally he yelled, "Is anybody up there?"

A deep voice replied, "Yes, I'm up here."

"Who is it?"

"It's the Lord"

"Can you help me?"

"Yes, I can help."

"Help me!"

"Let go."

Looking around the man became full of panic. "What?!?!"

"Let go. I will catch you."

"Uh... Is there anybody else up there..."

Service With A Smile

A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a Midwest town he planned
to visit on his vacation. He wrote:

I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well-groomed
and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep
him in my room with me at night?

An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said, I've been
operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I've never had a
dog steal towels, bedclothes or silverware or pictures off the walls.

I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being
drunk and disorderly.And I've never had a dog run out on a hotel
Yes,indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel.
And, if your dog will vouch for you, you're
welcome to stay here, too.

I know that feeling

A rich white guy in Georgia decided that he wanted to throw a party and he
invited all of his buddies and neighbors. He also invited Leroy, the token
black guy in the neighborhood. He held the party around the pool in the
backyard of his mansion. Everyone was having a good time drinking,
dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with the women.

At the height of the party, the rich white dude said, "I have a 10 ft.
man-eating gator in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who
has the balls to jump in."

The words were barely out of the rich white dude's mouth when there was a
loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool! Leroy was
fighting the gator and kicking its ass! Leroy was jabbing the gator in the
eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kinds of things like
head-butts and chokeholds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping the gator
through the air like some kind of Japanese Judo Instructor. The water was
churning and splashing everywhere. Both Leroy and the gator were screaming
and raising hell.

Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let it sink to the bottom like a K-Mart gold
fish.  Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at
him in disbelief.

Finally and reluctantly, the rich white guy says, "Well, Leroy, I reckon I
owe you a million dollars."

"No, that's okay. I don't want it," said Leroy.

The rich white dude said, "Man, I have to give you something. You won the
bet. How about half a million bucks then?"

"No thanks. I don't want it.", answered Leroy.

The white dude said, "Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was
amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?"

The brother said no.

The confused rich white guy said, "Well, Leroy, then what do you want?"

Leroy answered, "I want the name of the wonderful person who pushed me in the darn pool."

Every time a new Pope is elected, there's a whole lot of rituals
and ceremonies that have to be gone through, in accordance with
tradition. Well there's one tradition that very few people know

Shortly after the new Pope is enthroned, the Chief Rabbi seeks
an audience. He is shown into the Pope's presence, whereupon he
presents him with a silver tray bearing a velvet cushion. On top
of the cushion is an ancient, shriveled parchment envelope.

The Pope symbolically stretches out his arm in a gesture of

The Chief Rabbi then retires, taking the envelope with him and
does not return until the next Pope is elected. John Paul II
was intrigued by this ritual, whose origins were unknown to him.
He instructed the best scholars of the Vatican to research it, but
they came up with nothing. When the time came and the Chief Rabbi
was shown into his presence, he faithfully enacted the ritual
rejection but, as the Chief Rabbi turned to leave, he called him

"My brother," the Holy Father whispered, "I must confess that we
Catholics are ignorant of the meaning of this ritual enacted for
centuries between us and you, the representative of the Jewish
people.  I have to ask you, what is it all about?"

The Chief Rabbi shrugs and replies: "But we have no more idea than
you do.  The origin of the ceremony is lost in the traditions of
ancient history."

The Pope said: "Let us retire to my private chambers and enjoy a
glass of wine together, then, with your agreement, we shall open
the envelope and discover at last the secret."

The Chief Rabbi agreed.

Fortified in their resolve by the wine, they gingerly pried open
the curling parchment envelope and with trembling fingers, the
Chief Rabbi reached inside and extracted a folded sheet of similarly
ancient paper.  As the Pope peered over his shoulder, he slowly
opened it.

They both gasped with shock.
It was the check for the Last Supper.

Yup that's me now
Spamming your mail boxes

You may have noticed the increased amount of notices for you to notice.
And, we have noticed that some of our notices have not been noticed. 
This is very noticeable.
It has been noticed that the responses to the notices have been noticeably unnoticeable.  Therefore, this notice is to remind you to notice the notices and to respond to the notices because we do not want the notices to go unnoticed.
From the Notice Committee for Noticing Notices

Emerging from the chiropractor's treatment room, a young man said aloud in the crowded waiting room, "I feel like a new man!"
"I do, too," a middle-aged woman responded, "but I'll probably go home with the same old one."

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When my three-year-old son opened the birthday gift from his grandmother, he discovered a water pistol.  He squealed with delight and headed for the nearest sink.  I was not so pleased.
I turned to Mom and said, "I'm surprised at you.
Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water guns?"
Mom smiled and then replied....."I remember."

Is there a magic cutoff period when offspring become accountable for their own actions?  Is there a wonderful moment when parents can become detached spectators in the lives of their children and shrug, "It's their life,"
and feel nothing?
When I was in my twenties, I stood in a hospital corridor waiting for doctors to put a few stitches in my son's head.  I asked, "When do you stop worrying?"
The nurse said, "When they get out of the accident stage, " My mother just smiled faintly and said nothing.
When I was in my thirties, I sat on a little chair in a classroom and heard how one of my children talked incessantly, disrupted the class, and was headed for a career making license plates.  As if to read my mind, a teacher said, "Don't worry, they all go through this stage and then you can sit back, relax and enjoy them." My mother just smiled faintly and said nothing.
When I was in my forties, I spent a lifetime waiting for the phone to ring, the cars to come home, the front door to open.  A friend said, "They're trying to find themselves.  Don't worry in a few years, you can stop worrying.  They'll be adults." My mother just smiled faintly and said nothing.
By the time I was 50, I was sick & tired of being vulnerable.  I was still worrying over my children, but there was a new wrinkle.  There was nothing I could do about it.  My mother just smiled faintly and said nothing.
I continued to anguish over their failures, be tormented by their frustrations and absorbed in their disappointments.  My friends said that when my kids got married I could stop worrying and lead my own life.
I wanted to believe that, but I was haunted by my mother's wan smile and her occasional, "You look pale.  Are you all right?  Call me the minute you get home.  Are you depressed about something?"
Can it be that parents are sentenced to a lifetime of worry?  Is concern for one another handed down like a torch to blaze the trail of human frailties and the fears of the unknown?  Is concern a curse or is it a virtue that elevates us to the highest form of life?
One of my children became quite irritable recently, saying to me, "Where were you?  I've been calling for 3 days, and no one answered.  I was worried."
I smiled a wan smile.  The torch has been passed.

3. Dave had tried to be particularly careful about his language
as he played golf with his preacher. But on the twelfth hole,
when he twice failed to hit out of a sand trap, he lost his
resolve and let fly with a string of expletives.

The preacher felt obliged to respond. "I have observed," said he
in a calm voice, "that the best golfers do not use foul language."

"I guess not," said Dave, "what the hell do they have to cuss

If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the
wrong golf ball.  --Jack Lemmon

James, Happy Birth Day,
Don't know why but this
reminded me of you

"I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which
answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls every
morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late
at night."  -Marie Corelli

Remember when eating out was a relaxing experience?  Someone
else cooked for you, served you and cleaned up after you. All
you had to do was chew, swallow and pay.
No longer, though. Today, you feel like a laboratory rat who
has to struggle through a maze every time it wants a chunk of

"Good evening," the maitre d' said. "Table for four?"

"Yes, Thank you."

"Smoking or non?"

"Non smoking."

"Would you prefer to dine indoors or outdoors this evening?"

"I guess indoors would be good."

"Very well, sir," he said. "Would you like to be seated
in the main dining room, the enclosed patio, or our lovely

"Uh, let me see...uh..."

"I can give you a table with a lovely view in our lovely

"I think the solarium would be lovely," I said.

We followed him there...

"Now, would you prefer a view overlooking the golf course,
the sunset on the lake or the majestic mountains to the West?"

"Whatever you recommend," I said.

Let HIM make a decision for a change, I thought.

He sat us by a window facing the golf course, lake or
mountains.  I couldn't tell which because it was dark

Then, a young man, better dressed and better looking than
any of us, presented himself at our table...

"Good evening, my name is Paul, and I'll be your waiter this
evening. Would you like a few minutes before I take your order?"

"No," I said. "I'm just a meat-and-potatoes guy, so I'll
have the filet mignon and a baked potato."

"Soup, or salad?"


"We have a mixed-green salad, hearts of palm, or a very fine
endive salad with baby shrimp."

"Just a mixed-green salad, okay?"

"Whatever you say, sir. Dressing?"

I didn't want to make another decision...

"Whatever you've got will be fine."

"We have Creamy Italian, Blue Cheese, Vinaigrette, Thousand
Island, Honey Dijon and Ranch."

"Just bring me one. Surprise me."

"Creamy Italian is our house specialty. Would that be
all right, sir?"


I was curt. I was done with civility.

"And for your baked potato?"

I knew what was coming!

"I just want the baked potato dry, you understand?
I don't want anything on it."

"No butter? No sour cream?"


"No chives? No bacon chips ? "

"No! Don't you understand English? I don't want anything
on it. Just bring me a baked potato and a steak."

"Would you prefer the six, eight, or 12-ounce steak, sir?"


"Would you like that rare, medium rare, medium, medium
well or well done? Or, if you prefer, we can butterfly
it for you."

"Pauly Boy," I said, "you are really starting to get me

"Which brings up the vegetables, sir. Would you like steamed
broccoli, creamed corn, sauteed zucchini, or diced carrots?"

That did it. I threw my napkin to the floor, stood up, put
my face right in his arrogant kisser and said, "How'd you
like to settle this outside?"

"Fine with me, sir. Would you prefer the parking lot, the
side alley or the street in front of the restaurant?"

"I prefer right here."

Then I sucker-punched him: he ducked, then countered with
a left hook right under my eye.  It was the first time all
night he hadn't offered me a selection.

I collapsed semiconscious into my chair, as someone in
authority rushed over and berated Pauly.

I felt my tie being loosened, my collar unbuttoned, hands
slapping my face.

When I regained my senses, I saw the very concerned
maitre d' right in front of my nose.

He apologized and offered to buy me a drink, call the
paramedics, whatever I wanted.

"No, no," I said. "I'll be all right. Just bring me a
glass of water."

"Yes, sir, right away," he said.

"Would you prefer imported mineral water, sparkling water,
or club soda with a wedge of lime?

no comment

& now your at the end of the letter, I hope that you enjoyed

The times on this one are 186 seconds for 28K modem,
111 seconds for 56k modem & 51 seconds for cable/dsl

thanks, David 1