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The News letter, 020623-1








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By the way, on some of the pictures, if you hover your pointer over the picture, ya might find a comment from me on it,
now that I've learned how to do that.



Now its time for the show to start & I think we'll start now!!!!





An elderly man by the name of Mr.  MacIntosh was
laying on his deathbed, with his son at his bedside.

The old man said suddenly, "It's time!  Send for the
Minister."

The son said, "The Minister!  Dad, I think you
mean the priest.  We are devout Catholics."

"Get the Minister!  Get the Minister!"  the dying man
repeated agitatedly.

"Dad, your illness must be affecting your mind," the
son replied, patting his father on the shoulder.  "I
will call the priest."

The old man insisted, "If you have ANY love for your
father, you will do as I have asked."

So, reluctantly, the son did his father's bidding, and
soon thereafter, the Minister arrived and converted the
old man to the Protestant faith.  Moments later, the
parish priest knocked on the door.

The son said, "Father, I am afraid you are too late.
The Minister has already been here."

The priest rushed over to the old man's beside and he
asked in dismay, "HOW could you do it?  WHY did you do it?"

The old man looked up and replied, "Well, Father, I
figured that if someone had to die, better one of them
than one of us."


& don't anybody yell at
me about this one LOL
including you, SUSAN



A man came into a gun shop and asked to see a shotgun.

The clerk, seeing that the customer was obviously very
wealthy showed him a Belgian handcrafted mother-of-pearl
inlay weapon and demonstrated its fine points. A bargain
at $20,000.

The customer says, "No, not quite what I need."

Then the clerk brings out an English model and shows off
its fine points. A steal at only $7,500.

The customer says, "No, I don't need anything that fancy."

The clerk, disappointed, shows the customer a Winchester
'over and under' mass production model. Only $129.95.

The customer says "That will do nicely. After all, it is
a small wedding."





A giant wave swooshed onto the shore and swept
little Moishele into the ocean. Mrs. Apple went
crazy and cried out, "G-d, oh G-d! I know that
we don't go to shul that often and are often
late getting there and I am really sorry. But
please give us back our little boy Please,
please dear G-d!"

Suddenly, a miracle occurs as yet another wave
sweeps little Moishele back to shore.

His mother rushed up and grabbed her son and
wrapped him in towels to dry him off, and then
she held her hands up to the blue sky.

"So G-d," she said, "Where's his hat?"





ITEMS FOR SALE   sent in by Lee

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 YEARS OLD. HATEFUL LITTLE DOG.

FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 COCKER SPANIEL 1/2 SNEAKY NEIGHBOR'S DOG

FREE PUPPIES...PART GERMAN SHEPHERD, PART STUPID DOG

GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs. NEUTERED. SPEAKS GERMAN. FREE.

FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG. LOOKS LIKE A RAT...
BEEN OUT AWHILE... BETTER BE REWARD.

1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB -- $850/offer

SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE... ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS.

COWS, CALVES NEVER BRED... ALSO 1 GAY BULL FOR SALE.

NORDIC TRACK $300. HARDLY USED, CALL CHUBBY

HUMMERS - LARGEST SELECTION EVER - "IF IT'S IN STOCK, WE HAVE IT!"

GEORGIA PEACHES - CALIFORNIA GROWN - 89 cents lb.

NICE PARACHUTE: NEVER OPENED - USED ONCE

TIRED OF WORKING FOR ONLY $9.75 PER HOUR? WE OFFER PROFIT SHARING
AND FLEXIBLE HOURS. STARTING PAY: $7 -- $9 PER HOUR.

EXERCISE EQUIPMENT: QUEEN SIZE MATTRESS & BOX SPRINGS - $175.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY! MUST SELL WASHER & DRYER $300.

ALZHEIMER'S CENTER PREPARES FOR AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER

OPEN HOUSE BODY SHAPERS TONING SALON - FREE COFFEE & DONUTS

(AND THE BEST ONE)

FOR SALE BY OWNER Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes
Excellent condition. $1,000.00 or best offer. No longer needed.
Got married last weekend. Wife knows everything.


NO James, I Wasn't
Thinking of you this time.



Golfers at a course in Canada are being tormented by a ball-stealing
fox.

It has snatched a number of balls from the fairways of the Victoria
Beach course in Manitoba.

Some golfers have hit perfect tee shots only to see the fox scurry
across the fairway and snatch the ball.

Golfers say the animal is lightening fast. Luckily they don't drop a
stroke as balls stolen by foxes comes under the heading "outside
agency" in the rule book.

The course has now put up signs warning golfers of the furry thief.

[These stories from close to home are just too good to let get by!]

http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_594773.html?menu=news.quirkies





The Harley Mechanic

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley, when he spotted a world-famous heart surgeon in his shop. The heart surgeon was waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike. 

The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc can I ask you a question?"

The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle.  The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I also can open hearts, take valves out, fix'em, put in new parts and when I finish this will work just like a new one. So how come I get a pittance and you get the really big money, when you and I am doing basically the same work?"

The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic....."Try doing it with the engine running!







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Dog Lessons

If a dog was the teacher, you would learn stuff like.....

When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.

Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.

Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure
ecstasy.

When it's in your best interest, practice obedience.

Let others know when they've invaded your territory.

Take naps.

Stretch before rising.

Run, romp, and play daily.

Thrive on attention and let people touch you.

Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.

On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the grass.

On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree.

When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.

No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and
pout...run right back and make friends.

Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.

Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Stop when you have had enough.

Be loyal. Never pretend to be something you're not.

If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.

When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them
gently.

And finally... Never trust anyone until you sniff their butt.






A lady lost her handbag in the bustle of Christmas shopping.
It was found by an honest little boy and returned to her.
Looking in her purse, she commented, "Hmmm . . . that's funny. When I
lost my bag there was a $20 bill in it. Now there are twenty $1 bills."
The boy quickly replied, "That's right, lady. The last time I found a
lady's purse, she didn't have any change for a reward."






A young doctor went to look at a practice that was up for sale
in a very remote part of West Virginia. It looked perfect with
a comfortable house, fully equipped lab, and lovely gardens.
The old doctor even quoted a very affordable price.

"This looks great," said the young doctor. "I just can't figure
out how you're able to have such a nice set up with so few
people to practice on.

"It's just simple, common sense and a strong work ethic,"
replied the older medico. "For example, most folks around here
take a couple weeks off for a vacation every year.

My wife and I, however, spend the time at home, gardening and
putting things in order. Our herb garden gives us a huge harvest
because of that, so we mix the herbs and boil them up for my
secret tonic."

"But that doesn't explain this fine house and all this land," said
the younger man.

The elder doc replied, "That's where going that extra bit pays
off. I run into my patients at church, at the store, whatever, right
after they get back from their vacations. I tell them they don't
look too good, and they usually say that their vacation took a lot
out of them." He continued, "I'll agree with them, then invite them
to stop around to my office for some of my old fashioned tonic,
and at ten bucks a bottle, it can add up really fast! Of course,
that's just the beginning.

A few weeks after a patient buys the tonic, I comment on how
much better they're looking, so that they feel like the tonic is
working."

"Then I have them stop by the office for a complete physical
exam, just to make sure everything is alright. I also tell them
to bring in a specimen, and this way I get my bottles back!"





Did Ya Know Or Do Ya Care?

The standard Slinky is 87 feet long, fully uncoiled.


James, Quit thinking 
About Alisa now LOL



To make it possible for everyone to attend church on Sunday,
we are proposing to have a special 'No Excuse Sunday.'

* Cots will be placed in the foyer for those who say, " Sunday
is my only day to sleep in."

* Blankets will be furnished for those who say it is too cold
and fans for those who say it is too hot.

* There will be hearing aids for those who say," The pastor
speaks too softly," and cotton for those who say, " He preaches
too loudly."

* Scorecards will be available for those who wish to list the
hypocrites present.

* Some relatives will be in attendance for those who like to go
visiting on Sunday.

* There will be TV dinners for those who can't go to church
and cook dinner too.

* Golf clubs will be available for practice swings for those who
like to golf on Sunday.





Rubin was visiting a friend in the hospital.
He was trying to stop smoking and was chewing
on an unlit cigar when he got on the elevator.
A lady said to him with a snarl, "Sir, there's
no smoking in here."
 
Rubin said, 'I'm not smoking lady.'
 
"But you have a cigar in your mouth," the
woman said.
 
"Lady," Rubin answered, 'I've got on Jockey
shorts, too, but I'm not riding a horse."





& now your at the end of the letter, I hope that you enjoyed

The times on this one are 203 seconds for 28K modem,
121 seconds for 56k modem & 56 seconds for cable/dsl

thanks, David 1