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By the way, on some of the pictures, if you hover your pointer over the picture, ya might find a comment from me on it,
now that I've learned how to do that.



Now its time for the show to start & I think we'll start now!!!!





[||||] H E L L O ? H E L L O ? [||||]

Setting bail at five grand, a Big Apple gavel grinder found that Ursula
Reichert-Habbishaw stalked Richerd Gere, phoning him at least 1000 times
during the past year. (USA Today)

The $5,000 was immediately posted by AT&T.


[||||] H E A V Y M E T A L [||||]

The American Environmental Safety Institute has sued Hershey, Nestles,
and Kraft Foods, alleging that chocolate contains dangerous levels of
lead and cadmium. (AP)

Which won't come as a surprise to moms who routinely use M&M's as
refrigerator magnets.





Nasa admits it trawls web auctions for obsolete components
for use in shuttle launches. Scientists routinely check eBay
and Yahoo for old computer parts. They say a stockpile is
needed to keep old support systems running...

... That explains that $8 million bid for a toilet seat
cover on E-Bay...


A company in Grimsby is offering a job to a burglar who
broke into its factory six months ago. Bosses at Fowler and
Holden say they'll keep a quarter of the 27-year-old's wages
until he's paid back the cost of the burglary. He broke in
and stole 300 from the engineering firm. The man's lawyer
Andrew Havery says he's turned over a new leaf after years
of drug addiction. He received a one-year community
rehabilitation order for burglary...

... At least they know if he loses his keys he can still get
in...





A Complete Search

A Scotchman with the romantic name of Bruce Wallace made
history at London's famous Scotland Yard shortly before
the war. He actually demanded an interview with the head
of the Yard to report that he had lost a shilling on Old Bond
Street and that he had been unable to find it.

The Scotland Yard official fell into the spirit of the
occasion and assured him that the entire London Police
Force would be put on the job.

That night, as fate would have it, something went wrong
with one of the gas pipes under Old Bond Street and fifty
workmen were dispatched to locate the source of the trouble.
They dug a ditch six feet wide straight across
Old Bond Street, stopping traffic completely, of course,
and exposing all the underground pipes to the open air.

Early in the morning, the bereaved Scotchman appeared on
the scene, took one look at the repair work in progress,
and shook his head with reluctant approval. "I must say
one thing for the rascals," he admitted. "They're thorough."

From Laughing Stock, Edited by Bennett Cerf, Grosset and
Dunlap, NY 1945.





There was a young fellow named Wright,
Who could travel much faster than light.
He left home one day,
for a place far away,
And got back the previous night.


There one was a man from Peru,
Who dreamed of eating his shoe,
he awoke with a fright,
in the middle of the night,
and found that his dream had come true!


On his first visit to the zoo, a little boy stared at the
caged stork for a long time. He waved, jumped up and down,
and stared at the stork a while longer.

Finally, turning to his father, he exclaimed, "Gee, Dad,
he doesn't recognize me."





I agree with this next one !

I think my Grandson best summed up my feelings about abstract
art.

We were looking at a painting with a wild mish-mash of colors
and he asked, "What's that?"

I said, "It's supposed to be a cowboy on his horse."

"Well," he continued, "Why isn't it?"


The warden, addressing the three instigators of a failed
prison riot, said, "I would like to know two things.
First: Why did you revolt? Second: How did you get out of
your cell?"

One of the three men stepped forward, "Warden, we rebelled
because the food is awful."

"I see. And what did you use to break the bars?" the
warden asked.

Replied the spokesman, "FrenchToast."





[||||] R H Y M E S W I T H H U M B L E [||||]

CBS's "Early Show" ratings pariah Bryant Gumbel said his final good byes
Friday before heading into permanent Hasbeenville. (USA Today)

At the cast party afterwards, guests sipped champagne as a blindfolded
Bryant clubbed a Katy Couric piata.


[||||] T I M - B E R R R R ! [||||]

Dub and his Smoky Bear loving environmentalist buds have decided that
9.7 million acres of Alaska's Tongass National Forest should put out the
welcome mat for Paul Bunyonites to cash in on all that prime board
footage. (USA Today)

And they'll probably enlist all those lay about welfare recipients to
man the chain saws.


A M E E E N N N ! ! ! !









[||||] F I N A L A N S W E R [||||]

After three years of tube dominance and profits exceeding a billion
clams, the Reege hosted "Millionaire" has been axed by ABC. (NY
Times)

But not to despair. With greed out of the way, the net has six more
deadly sins to exploit.


When your sleeping that is



[||||] R U B B E R M E E T S R O A D [||||]

Oval track wheeler George Mark will take the green flag at the Indy 500,
only the second African American to crack the lily white ranks of the
Back Home Again good ol' boy greasy fingernail club. (AP)


[||||] K I L L E R ' Z A [||||]

The Center for Science and the Public Interest has exposed Pizza Hut's
"Stuffed Crust Meat Lovers' Pizza" as an artery jamming combo of 420
calories, 21 fat grams and a day's worth of salt. (AP)

But in the fast food trough's defense, the thing does come with a
discount coupon for a pacemaker or an angeoplasty -- customer's
choice.


NO Susan,
It wont really work


Brussels Sprouts and Red Bell Peppers

2 pounds (900 g) fresh Brussels sprouts
6 T (90 ml) butter or margarine
2 large red bell peppers, seeded and cut into 3/4-inch- (18-mm-)
wide strips
1 teaspoon (5 ml) dry basil
1 teaspoon (5 ml) prepared mustard
Salt and pepper to taste
****************************************************************
Prepare and steam or boil sprouts until cooked. Set aside.
Melt butter in a 4- to 5-quart (4- to 5-liter) pan over medium
-high heat; add bell peppers, cover, and cook until slightly
soft (about 3minutes). Stir in basil, mustard, and sprouts.
Cook, stirring frequently, until sprouts are heated through
(about 3 more minutes). Season to taste with salt and pepper.
Makes 8 to 10 servings.
Per serving: 137 cal., 6 g protein, 11 g carbo., 9 g total fat, 27 mg
chol., 134 mg sodium


THE WIT WIZARD savagely exposes America's frauds, fools, freaks & foibles, harpoons the hypocrites and punctures the pompous with biting social satire daily or weekly...


An EzineADventure AD. Click here - Get Your FREE Ads NOW!


Yes James,
If mom doesn't,
DAD WILL, & he'll
ground you for it.



Asian Beef Skewers


3 tablespoons hoisin sauce ( oriental section of supermarket)
3 tablespoons sherry
1/4 cup soy sauce
1 teaspoon barbeque sauce
2 green onions, chopped
2 cloves garlic, minced
1 tablespoon minced fresh ginger root
1 1/2 pounds flank steak


In a small bowl, mix together hoisin sauce, sherry, soy sauce,
barbeque sauce, green onions, garlic and ginger.
Cut flank steak across grain on a diagonal, yielding thin,
2 inch wide slices. Place slices in a 1 gallon, resealable plastic bag.
Pour hoisin sauce mixture over slices, and mix well.
Refrigerate 2 hours, or overnight.
Preheat an outdoor grill for high heat.
Thread steak on skewers. Grill 3 minutes per side, or to
desired doneness.
Makes 3 servings


Cherry Good Cobbler

Ingredients for 8 Servings

2 cans(21-ounce) cherry filling and topping
1 tsp Almond extract
1 cup All-purpose flour
2 TBLSPNS Granulated sugar
2 t Baking powder
1/2 cup Orange juice
Topping:
1 TBLSPN Slivered almonds, coarsely chopped
1 TBLSPNGranulated sugar
1 t Grated orange peel
1/2 t Ground cinnamon
*******************************************************************
Combine cherry filling and almond extract in an ungreased
8x8x2-inch baking pan.
Combine flour, sugar and baking powder in a medium mixing
bowl; mix well.
Add orange juice, stirring just until dry ingredients are moistened.
Drop batter by tablespoonfuls over cherry filling, making at least 8
dumplings.
For the topping: Combine almonds, sugar, orange peel and
cinnamon in a small bowl; mix well.
Sprinkle on top of cobbler.
Bake in a preheated 350-degree oven 30 to 35 minutes,
or until filling is bubbly and dumplings are brown.
Great tasting dessert with less than 1 gram of fat per serving.





What is success?

At age 4 success is not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is having friends.
At age 16 success is having a drivers license.
At age 20 success is having sex.
At age 35 success is having money.
At age 50 success is having money.
At age 60 success is having sex.
At age 70 success is having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is having friends.
At age 80 success is not peeing in your pants.



I used to think I could pass gas silently until I got my hearing aid.





Some people are pessimists, they think the glass is half empty.
Some people are optimists , they think the glass is half full.
I am a realist, I know that sooner of later, I am going to have
to wash that darned thing!



Mick and Paddy get off a ship and head for the nearest bar. Each
one orders two whiskeys and immediately downs them. They then order
two more whiskeys and once again quickly throw them back. They then
order another two whiskeys apiece.
Paddy picks up one of his drinks, turns to Mick and says, "Cheers!"
Mick turns to Paddy and says, "Hey, did you come here to Talk,
or did you come here to drink?"



A golfer whose cart broke down flagged down a passing bus and got aboard. He sat down on the bus, with his pants pockets full of golf balls, next to a little old lady.



The little old lady kept looking quizzically at him and his bulging pockets.



Finally, after many such glances from her he said, "It's golf balls."



The little old lady continued to look at him thoughtfully and finally said, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"






A young camper at summer camp asked the
chaplain if "hard on" was hyphenated.

The chaplain replies, "What in heaven's name are you writing
home about!"

The young boy says, "I'm telling Mom and Dad about the project
we worked so 'hard on'."



Wendy was in the kitchen one day, trying to reach the baking powder on the top shelf of a cabinet.
Being only five feet tall, Wendy had to stretch, but still couldn't grab the box.

Fortunately, her husband was six-feet-tall so she called him to help.

"Hey, James!" Wendy yelled , who was in the living room.
"Will you get your tallness in here and get this for me?"

"Sure, Honey," James remarked as he bounded into the kitchen.
"But next time, I'd prefer the title 'Your Highness.'"


AFTER I JOINED my Navy husband on his tour of duty in Japan, I looked
for a job to supplement our income. I was pleased when my first
interview netted a secretarial position at the nearby Army facility. I
was sure my typing skills had landed me the post. But a few weeks
later my boss, a full colonel, called me into his office and told me I
was too quiet. "The reason I hired you," he explained, "was your
delightful Texas accent. I'm homesick for someone who can talk right."


--Contributed to "Humor In Uniform" by Janet E. Ross Provided courtesy
of Reader's Digest (http://www.rd.com).


A whole bunch & you
just sit back & enjoy
it, cause you ain't 
got nothing better to do



MY HUSBAND met me at the doctor's office for my routine checkup, and
from there we decided to go out to eat. Since we had driven in
separate cars, I arrived at the restaurant first. "One for dinner?"
asked the hostess. "No," I replied. "There will be two of us in just a
minute." When I saw the panicky look on the hostess's face, I realized
I had forgotten about my appearance. Anybody could see that I was at
least 8-1/2 months pregnant.

-- Contributed to Reader's Digest "Life In These United States" by
Loann K. Burke


Hummm James,
kind of reminds me of you



Stolen from: Bonehead-Of-The-Day
To sign up --> http://Bonehead.Oddballs.com
All materials written by Jerry Lerman are Copyright 2002 by Jerry
Lerman. All Rights Reserved.
==================== http://www.ThievingJoker.net ====================

Bonehead award one goes to an Erie County, Ohio, convicted rapist who
raped a patient in her bed at the former Providence Hospital and who
has now filed a $2 million lawsuit against the hospital for not having
had adequate security that would have prevented him from trying to
rape her. And, he says, this has caused him emotional pain since he's
now in jail.

The Toledo Blade (Toledo, Ohio) 22-May-02
<http://www.toledoblade.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?
Date=20020522&Category=NEWS17&ArtNo=105220063&Ref=AR>
or http://shorterlink.com/?MKDEPY

------

Bonehead award two goes to the trash collectors whose actions resulted
in the following entry in the Los Alamitos, California, police report:


A resident "claimed the trash collectors took his $360 portable
basketball hoop along with the trash."

From the Steve Harvey column in the LA Times.

------

Bonehead award three, a "too dumb to be a criminal" bonehead award
goes to a Savannah, Georgia teenager who drove to the police station
in a stolen car to talk to his arrested girlfriend, according to
police.

Associated Press wire service 16-May-02

------

You! Out of the gene pool!

Bonehead award four goes to a Green Bay Wisconsin man who, for some
sort of sex jolly, handed his wife a shotgun and told her to point it
at his scrotum and shoot, which she did. He thought the gun wasn't
loaded. He's in critical condition . and out of the gene pool.

Green Bay Press Gazette 15-May-02
<http://www.greenbaypressgazette.com/news/archive/local_3975566.shtml>
or http://shorterlink.com/?D8N242

------

The life of a woman in Equatorial Guinea was saved when a burglar,
hiding in her home after being surprised by her return, saw her friend
put poison into her food and stepped out from his hiding place to warn
her.

She gave him her video and TV as a reward.

Ananova 20-May-02 http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_591510.html





In bygone days, a thin man insulted a heavyset man. The heavyset
man challenged his tormentor to a duel with pistols.

On the day of the duel, a debate ensued about the unfair
advantage held by the thin man because he was a much smaller
target. Finally the thin man came up with a solution.

"Let the outline of my figure be chalked upon your body," he
said to his opponent, "and any shots of mine that hit outside
the chalk lines, we won't count."


Waiting in a long, slow-moving line for security clearance
at the Edmonton International Airport in Canada, I was
annoyed to hear a loud male voice behind me. "Excuse me,
excuse me," said the man as he pushed his way to the front.
"I want to make sure I get a good seat."

I resolved not to let this line-jumper get ahead of me.
When I felt a tap on my shoulder, I whirled around,
prepared to give the man a tongue-lashing -- but found
myself face to face with a smiling pilot.


"Mr. Clark, I'm afraid I have bad news", the
doctor told his anxious patient, "You only have
six months to live."

The man sat in stunned silence for the next
several minutes. Regaining his composure, he
apologetically told his physician that he had
no medical insurance. "I can't possibly pay you
in that time."

"OK", the doctor said, "Let's make it NINE
months."





Joe had asked Bob to help him out with the deck
after work, so Bob just went straight over to
Joe's place. When they got to the door, Joe went
straight to his wife, gave her a hug and told her
how beautiful she was and how much he had missed
her at work. When it was time for supper, he
complimented his wife on her cooking, kissed her
and told her how much he loved her.

Once they were working on the deck, Bob told Joe
that he was surprised that he fussed so much over
his wife. Joe said that he'd started this about 6
months ago, it had revived their marriage, and
things couldn't be better.

Bob thought he'd give it a go. When he got home,
he gave his wife a massive hug, kissed her and
told her that he loved her. His wife burst into
tears.

Bob was confused and asked why she was crying.
She said, "This is the worst day of my life.
First, little Billy fell off his bike and twisted
his ankle. Then, the washing machine broke and
flooded the basement. And now, you come home
drunk!"


"George W. Bush has a little more of his mother in him.
Where his father would bite his tongue, every once in
a while George W. Bush flaps his tongue."

- Andrew Card
White House chief of staff





Whenever I travel by plane someone always says,
"Have a safe trip."

Since when does a safe plane flight become my
responsibility? I'm not even sure what I'm supposed
to do... go kick the tires, drug test the pilot, what?

I feel I'm doing my part by not going up to the cockpit
every five minutes and asking, "Are we there yet?"


Manny is almost 29 years old, his friends have
already gotten married, and Manny just dates
and dates.

Finally a friend asks him, "What's the matter,
are you looking for the perfect woman? Are you
that particular? Can't you find anyone who
suits you?"

"No," Manny replies. "I meet many nice girls,
but as soon as I bring them home to meet my
parents, my Mother doesn't like them. So I
keep on looking!"

"Listen," his friend suggests, "Why don't you
find a girl who's just like your dear ole
Mother?"

Many weeks go by and again Manny and his
friend get together. "So Manny. Did you find
the perfect girl yet. One that's just like
your Mother?"

Manny shrugs his shoulders, "Yes I found one
just like Mom. My mother loved her, they
became fast friends."

So do I owe you a Mazel Tov? "Are you and
this girl engaged, yet?"

"I'm afraid not, my Father can't stand her!"





& now your at the end of the letter, I hope that you enjoyed

The times on this one are 193 seconds for 28K modem,
114 seconds for 56k modem & 53 seconds for cable/dsl

thanks, David 1