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The News letter, 020524








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By the way, on some of the pictures, if you hover your pointer over the picture, ya might find a comment from me on it,
now that I've learned how to do that.



Now its time for the show to start & I think we'll start now!!!!


& who of us don't 
know that feeling ?


A lawyer read the will of a rich man to the deceased's family:
"To my loving wife Rose, who stood by me in rough times, as well as good, I
leave the house  and $2 million."
The lawyer continued, "To my daughter Jessica, who looked after me in
sickness and kept the business going, I leave the yacht, the business and
$1million."
The lawyer concluded, "And, to my cousin Dan, who hated me, argued with
me, and thought that I would never mention him in my will - well you
are wrong.
Hi Dan!"


Enough said



THE WIT WIZARD savagely exposes America's frauds, fools, freaks & foibles, harpoons the hypocrites and punctures the pompous with biting social satire daily or weekly...


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BADTIMES JOKE

If you receive an email entitled "Badtimes," delete it
immediately. Do not open it. Apparently, this one is pretty
nasty. It will not only erase everything on your hard
drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20
feet of your computer.

It demagnetizes the stripes on all your credit cards. It
reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on
your VCR and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any
CD's you attempt to play.

If you drive a Ford, it will start missing like a Chevy. It
will program your phone auto dial to call only your
mother-in-law's number. This virus will mix antifreeze into
your fish tank. It will drink all your beer.

For god's sake, are you listening?

It will leave dirty socks on the coffee table when you are
expecting company. It will replace your shampoo with Nair
and your Nair with Rogaine, all the while dating your
current boy/girlfriend behind your back and billing your
Visa card. It will cause you to run with scissors and throw
things in a way that is only fun when someone loses an eye.

It will rewrite your backup files, changing all your active
verbs to passive tense and incorporating undetectable
misspellings that grossly change the interpretations of key
sentences.

If the "Badtimes" message is opened in a Windows 95/98
environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and leave
your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full
bathtub. It will not only remove the forbidden tags from
all of your mattresses and pillows, it will also refill
your skim milk with whole milk.

PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WARN AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN!

If you don't send this to 5000 people in 20 seconds you'll
fart so hard that your right leg will spasm and shoot
straight out in front of you, sending sparks that will
ignite the person nearest you.





Group email addresses:
Post message: stuthedude@yahoogroups.com
Subscribe:  stuthedude-subscribe@yahoogroups.com






 Two boys are playing football at a park near Lexington, Kentucky, when one of
the boys is suddenly attacked by a crazed Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the
other boy takes a stick and shoves it under the dog's collar, twists it,
and breaks the dog's neck, thus saving his friend.
A sports reporter who was strolling by sees the incident and rushes over to
interview the boy. He tells the boy, "I'll title it "Young Wildcat Fan
Saves Friend From Vicious Animal." "But I'm not a Wildcat fan." the
little hero replies. "Sorry, since we're near Lexington, Kentucky, I just
assumed you were," says the reporter and he starts writing again. He asks
"How does "Louisville Cardinal Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack" sound?"
"I'm not a Louisville Cardinal fan either, " the boy says.
"Oh, I thought everyone in Kentucky was either for the Wildcats or the
Cardinals. What team do you root for?" the reporter asks.
"I'm a UT Volunteer fan," the boy replies. "Because they're the best."
The reporter smiles, starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes:
"Little Punk From Tennessee Kills Beloved Family Pet."



Why Blondes have no brains



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 You'll Know You're In  A Redneck Church If...
 
The finance committee refuses to provide funds for thepurchase of a
chandelier because none of the members knows how toplay one.
 
People ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two
fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.
 
When the pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up
the offering," five guys and two women stand up.
 
Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.
 
A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive Ford
truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of."
 
The choir is known as the "OK Chorale."
 
Boone's Farm "Tickle Pink" is the favorite wine for communion.
 
In a congregation of 500 members, there are only
seven last names in the church directory.
 
Baptism is referred to as "branding."
 
There is a special fund raiser for a new church septic tank.
 
Finding and returning lost sheep isn't just a parable.
 
High notes on the organ set the dogs on the floor to howling.
 
People think "rapture" is what you get when you lift something too heavy.
 
The baptismal font is a #2 galvanized washtub.
 
The choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo
from Billy Bob's Barbecue.
 
The collection plates are really hub caps from a '56 Chevy.
 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
TommyO  






Overhead Recently ...
Leaving Pensacola, we decided to stop at one of those
rest areas on the side of the road. I go into the
washroom. The first stall is taken, so I go into
the second stall. I had just sat down when I hear a
voice from the other stall ... "Hi there, how is it going?"

Okay, I am not the type to strike up conversations with
strangers in washrooms on the side of the road. I didn't
know what to say, but, finally, I say:  "Not bad."

Then the voice says:  "So, what are you doing?"

I am starting to find this a bit weird, but I say: 
"Well, I'm going to Biloxi."

Then I hear the person, all flustered, say: "Look, I'll
call you back - every time I ask you a question this
idiot in the next stall keeps answering me!!!"


Q: What do you call two pigs fighting?
A: Ham to Ham Combat.



Now that's a Beer Belly !



customer: "I have Windows XP on my computer."
 
tech: "Yes."
 
customer: "My computer isn't working right."
 
tech: "Yes.  You already told me that."



Now this is My
oldest boy, James.



A little old Jewish lady has taken her young grandson to
the beach. He is playing in the shallow water. She is
standing on the beach not wanting to get her feet wet,
when all of a sudden, a huge wave appears from nowhere
and crashes directly over the spot where the little boy is
wading. The water recedes and the boy is no longer there. 
He has simply vanished into the sea.

The grandmother
raises her hands high up toward the sky, screams and
cries, "Lord, how could you take him?  Have I not been
a wonderful grandmother? Have I not been a wonderful
mother? Have I not given to Bnai Brith? Have I not given to
Hadassah?  Have I not lit candles every Friday night at
dusk? Have I not tried my very best to live the life that you
would have me live?"
A loud voice booms down from the sky, "Okay, okay,
already!"
A few seconds later another huge wave appears out of
nowhere and crashes on the beach.  As the water recedes,
the little boy is playing there, smiling, splashing around
as if nothing had ever happened.
The loud voice booms again "I have returned your
grandson. Are you satisfied?"
The grandmother looks at the boy for a moment, cups her
hands to her mouth and yells up at the sky, "He had a hat!"


from:  Bob

The most comprehensive humor archive.
100's of Jokes, 1000's of JPG's/GIF's, 
Sound clips, Video Clips and PARODY SONGS

http://www.bwjokes.com



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Cool, Extra parking



When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk's hand
was bandaged, but before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk had
some very good news for him.
 
"Guess what, sir?" the clerk said. "I finally sold that terrible,
ugly suit we've had so long!"
 
"Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double-breasted thing?!" the
manager asked.
 
"That's the one!"
 
"That's great!" the manager cried, "I thought we'd never get rid of
that monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit we've ever had!
But tell me, why is your hand bandaged?"
 
"Oh," the clerk replied, "after I sold the guy that suit, his
seeing-eye dog bit me."






SportsHollywood
Weekend Edition

"My aim is to be professional, but to kill him."
--Mike Tyson to the Sun Newspaper, on the upcoming Lennox
Lewis title fight.

STARTING LINE
Canadian pairs team Jamie Sale and David Pelletier, awarded
duplicate gold ice skating medals after the judging scandal
in Salt Lake City Winter Olympics, announced their
retirement this week...

... They were to be presented with gold retirement watches -
but the French judge had them reduced to silver...

HOLLYWOOD SPORTS
The Dallas Cowboys will allow cameras an all-access look at
their training camp for a sports-based reality show on HBO.
"Hard Knocks: Training Camp with The Dallas Cowboys," will
debut July 31...

... Up to now the only reality show you'd see Dallas Cowboys
on is "COPS"...

SOCCOR
A group of South Korean restaurant owners plan to offer
World Cup tourists free samples of steamed meat, soup,
sandwiches and hamburgers - all made of dog meat. Foreign
tourists can taste the Korean staple at stalls around the
country's 10 World Cup stadiums during the May 31-June 30
tournament, the group of 150 dog meat restaurant owners said
in a statement...

... You'd think soccer fans would have more respect for an
animal that retrieves the ball without using any hands...

FISHING
Human remains found inside a large shark caught off
Australia's east coast have been identified as those of a
fisherman swept out to sea from rocks three weeks ago.
Police opened missing-persons and unsolved-homicide files
after four game fishermen made the gruesome discovery of a
human skull, pelvis and arm inside a 811-pound tiger shark
they caught on Sunday. Dental records showed the remains
belonged to 52-year-old Sydney man Lee Kang Suk, who was
washed into the sea while fishing from rocks near Port
Kembla, 68 miles south of Sydney, on April 2...

... Ironically his last words were, "What are they biting
on...?"

TENNIS
Anna Kournikova is gearing up for a court battle with
Penthouse over pictures the men's magazine claims show her
sunbathing topless. The magazine published a 10-page special
of what it says is the blonde Russian star on a beach in
Florida. But a spokesman for Kournikova, 20, says the photos
are of someone else who has dark hair. Agent David Schwab
said: "The magazine has committed numerous violations of
Miss Kournikova's rights, including portraying her in a
false light. We will take all appropriate actions to protect
our client's name, rights and image..."

... "She prefers to trash her name, rights and image by
herself on the tennis court..."

WORLD CUP
A British Internet site this week offered fans an ingenious
range of ways to duck out of work -- from false sick notes
to claiming the dog swallowed the car keys -- so they can
watch the World Cup games beamed from Japan and South Korea
in comfort. The timings of the games, in the early morning
or at midday, have posed a dilemma to millions of soccer-mad
Britons used to watching games in the evenings or at
weekends and desperate to follow England and Ireland's World
Cup progress live.

The British government has already urged employers to bow to
the inevitable and take a flexible attitude to working hours
or set up TV screens. But British sports' company Umbro was
urging fans to take the matter into their own hands. Its Web
site www.umbro.com was offering a convincing-looking false
sick note signed by a fictitious doctor, F. Albright, to be
printed off and taken to work in advance.

THIS WEEK IN SPORTS HISTORY
In 2001, Yankee Chuck Knoblauch, who was moved to the
outfield because of his error-prone ways at second base,
played left field for the first time in his former home
stadium during New York's series at Minnesota, and was
pelted with golf balls, hot dogs and plastic beer bottles by
fans...

... Sadly for Chuck the fans have better aim than he does...

On May 6, 1931, baseball legend Willie Mays, the "Say Hey
Kid," was born...

... At his age he's gone from "Say Hey" to "say WHAT?!?!"

In 2000, a two-week police investigation has led to grand
larceny charges pending against a man who allegedly walked
off with over $30,000 in sports memorabilia while working as
a handyman at the home of former Buffalo Bills quarterback
Jim Kelly.

. It must have been quite a coup to possess so many game
balls from Super Bowl losers.

PENALTY BOX
A Toronto politician is telling angry Canadians to complain
to the White House after U.S. fans booed the Canadian anthem
before professional hockey and basketball games. In an
article in The Toronto Sun on Tuesday, a city councilor gave
fans the White House's comment phone number in a story that
raised the stakes in the so-called booing war. "I'm asking
all Canadians to join me in telling Bush how we feel,"
Councilor George Mammoliti told Reuters. "They claim all
these comments go directly to the President"...

... Bush's answer: "Boooooooo! Booooooo!!!"

YOU'RE OUT:
"My life is going in the right direction."
--Darryl Strawberry, after being sentenced to 18 months in
prison Monday for violating probation.





In "Pissing in the Snow: Ozark Mountain Folktales", Vance Randolph
tells of a wizened old country doctor who could treat anything.
Well it seems one time, one of the mountain folk came into his office
with three complaints.

"Doc," he said, "I can't taste nothin', I can't tell the truth, and
I can't remember nothin' besides."

Well the old Doc thought about this for a minute and went back into
the apothecary, and made of two capsules full with cow hooey, and gave
them both to the man, and telling him to take one immediately, chewing
well.
Well, the man did as he was told, bit down and started chawing, then
yelled out, "Yeachhhh... This stuff tastes like shee-it."
"Uh huh," the doctor said, "Well I see that you can taste, and you're
certainly telling the truth now. And the next time that your memory is
acting up, just take the other pill."
And the old Doc charged the man fifteen bucks and sent him on his way,
and never did hear no trouble from him much after that.









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TEN THINGS A MOM DOESN'T WANT TO HEAR

1. I swallowed a goldfish.

2. Your lipstick works better than crayons.

3. Does grape juice leave a stain???

4. The principal called...

5. But DAD says that word all the time.

6. What's it cost to fix a window???

7. Has anyone seen my earthworms???

8. I painted your shoes pretty, huh Mommy?

9. The dog doesn't like dressing up in your clothes.

10. I'm moving out... NOT!!!





You Know You're A Mother When...

-- You count the sprinkles on each kid's cupcake to make
sure they're equal.

-- You have time to shave only one leg at a time.

-- Your kid throws up and you catch it.

-- Someone else's kid throws up at a party. You keep eating.

-- You find yourself cutting your husband's sandwiches into
cute  shapes.

-- You use your own saliva to clean your child's face.

-- You stop criticizing the way your mother raised you.





[||||]     O I N K    O I N K     [||||]   

Against the advice of members of his own party, Dub decided to nail down
the scarecrow vote by signing a flawed farm bill that will result in
overproduction and low farm prices, angering free traders world wide.   
(USA Today)

One provision of the $190 billion pork barrel budget buster will provide
federal funding for cast reunions of Hee Haw and Petticoat Junction.





[||||]    W E E D    W H A C K E D       [||||]     

Psychic Friends spoker Dionne Warwick was nabbed by Miami Airport grass
sniffers and charged with possession of Mary Jane.    (USA Today)

She told the cops she was on the way to San Jose and made the mistake of
asking a cannabis vendor who just happened to be walking on by for
directions.





& now your at the end of the letter, I hope that you enjoyed

The times on this one are 196 seconds for 28K modem,
116 seconds for 56k modem & 53 seconds for cable/dsl

thanks, David 1