Click here for prev. issues of the newsletter. Just click a date when you get to the menu.
By the way, on some of the pictures, if you hover your pointer over the picture, ya might find a comment from me on it, now that I've learned how to do that.
Now its time for the show to start & I think we'll start now!!!!
A lawyer read the will of a rich man to the deceased's family: "To my loving
wife Rose, who stood by me in rough times, as well as good, I leave the
house and $2 million." The lawyer continued, "To my daughter Jessica, who
looked after me in sickness and kept the business going, I leave the yacht,
the business and $1million." The lawyer concluded, "And, to my cousin
Dan, who hated me, argued with me, and thought that I would never mention him
in my will - well you are wrong. Hi Dan!"
THE WIT WIZARD savagely exposes America's frauds, fools, freaks &
foibles, harpoons the hypocrites and punctures the pompous with biting
social satire daily or weekly...
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If you receive an email entitled "Badtimes," delete
it immediately. Do not open it. Apparently, this one is pretty nasty. It
will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete
anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer.
It demagnetizes the
stripes on all your credit cards. It reprograms your ATM access code, screws
up the tracking on your VCR and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch
any CD's you attempt to play.
If you drive a Ford, it will start
missing like a Chevy. It will program your phone auto dial to call only
your mother-in-law's number. This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish
tank. It will drink all your beer.
For god's sake, are you
It will leave dirty socks on the coffee table when you
are expecting company. It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your
Nair with Rogaine, all the while dating your current boy/girlfriend behind
your back and billing your Visa card. It will cause you to run with scissors
and throw things in a way that is only fun when someone loses an
It will rewrite your backup files, changing all your active verbs
to passive tense and incorporating undetectable misspellings that grossly
change the interpretations of key sentences.
If the "Badtimes" message
is opened in a Windows 95/98 environment, it will leave the toilet seat up
and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub.
It will not only remove the forbidden tags from all of your mattresses and
pillows, it will also refill your skim milk with whole milk.
FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WARN AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN!
If you don't send
this to 5000 people in 20 seconds you'll fart so hard that your right leg
will spasm and shoot straight out in front of you, sending sparks that
will ignite the person nearest you.
email addresses: Post message: firstname.lastname@example.org Subscribe:
Two boys are playing football at a park near Lexington,
Kentucky, when one of the boys is suddenly attacked by a crazed Rottweiler.
Thinking quickly, the other boy takes a stick and shoves it under the dog's
collar, twists it, and breaks the dog's neck, thus saving his friend. A
sports reporter who was strolling by sees the incident and rushes over to
interview the boy. He tells the boy, "I'll title it "Young Wildcat Fan
Saves Friend From Vicious Animal." "But I'm not a Wildcat fan." the
little hero replies. "Sorry, since we're near Lexington, Kentucky, I just
assumed you were," says the reporter and he starts writing again. He asks
"How does "Louisville Cardinal Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack"
sound?" "I'm not a Louisville Cardinal fan either, " the boy says. "Oh,
I thought everyone in Kentucky was either for the Wildcats or the Cardinals.
What team do you root for?" the reporter asks. "I'm a UT Volunteer fan," the
boy replies. "Because they're the best." The reporter smiles, starts a new
sheet in his notebook and writes: "Little Punk From Tennessee Kills
Beloved Family Pet."
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The finance committee refuses to provide funds for
thepurchase of a
chandelier because none of the members knows how toplay
People ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000,
whether the two
fish were bass or
catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.
When the pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help
take up the offering," five guys and two women stand
Opening day of deer season is recognized as an
official church holiday.
A member of the church requests to be buried in his
truck because "It
ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of."
The choir is known as the "OK
Boone's Farm "Tickle Pink" is the favorite wine for
In a congregation of 500 members, there are only
seven last names in the church
Baptism is referred to as
There is a special fund raiser for a new church septic
Finding and returning lost sheep isn't just a
High notes on the organ set the dogs on the floor to
People think "rapture" is what you get when you lift
something too heavy.
The baptismal font is a #2 galvanized
The choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with
the logo from Billy Bob's Barbecue.
The collection plates are really hub caps from a '56
Overhead Recently ... Leaving Pensacola, we decided to stop at one of those rest areas on the side of the road. I go into the washroom. The first stall is taken, so I go into the second stall. I had just sat down when I hear a voice from the other stall ...
"Hi there, how is it going?"
Okay, I am not the type to strike up conversations with strangers in washrooms on the side of the road. I didn't know what to say, but, finally, I say: "Not bad."
Then the voice says: "So, what are you doing?"
I am starting to find this a bit weird, but I say: "Well, I'm going to Biloxi."
Then I hear the person, all flustered, say: "Look, I'll call you back - every time I ask you a question this idiot in the next stall keeps answering me!!!"
Q: What do you call two pigs fighting? A: Ham
to Ham Combat.
customer: "I have Windows XP on my
customer: "My computer isn't working
tech: "Yes. You already told me
A little old Jewish lady has taken her young grandson to the beach. He is playing in the shallow water. She is standing on the beach not wanting to get her feet wet, when all of a sudden, a huge wave appears from nowhere and crashes directly over the spot where the little boy is wading. The water recedes and the boy is no longer there. He has simply vanished into the sea.
The grandmother raises her hands high up toward the sky, screams and cries, "Lord, how could you take him? Have I not been a wonderful grandmother? Have I not been a wonderful mother? Have I not given to Bnai Brith? Have I not given to Hadassah? Have I not lit candles every Friday night at dusk? Have I not tried my very best to live the life that you would have me live?"
A loud voice booms down from the sky, "Okay, okay, already!" A few seconds later another huge wave appears out of nowhere and crashes on the beach. As the water recedes, the little boy is playing there, smiling, splashing around as if nothing had ever happened. The loud voice booms again "I have returned your grandson. Are you satisfied?"
The grandmother looks at the boy for a moment, cups her hands to her mouth and yells up at the sky, "He had a hat!"
The most comprehensive humor archive.
100's of Jokes, 1000's of JPG's/GIF's,
Sound clips, Video Clips and PARODY SONGS
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When the store manager returned from lunch, he
noticed his clerk's hand was bandaged, but before he could ask about the
bandage, the clerk had some very good news for him.
"Guess what, sir?" the clerk said. "I finally
sold that terrible, ugly suit we've had so long!"
"Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue
double-breasted thing?!" the manager asked.
"That's the one!"
"That's great!" the manager cried, "I thought
we'd never get rid of that monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit we've
ever had! But tell me, why is your hand bandaged?"
"Oh," the clerk replied, "after I sold the guy
that suit, his seeing-eye dog bit me."
SportsHollywood Weekend Edition
"My aim is to be professional, but to
kill him." --Mike Tyson to the Sun Newspaper, on the upcoming Lennox
Lewis title fight.
STARTING LINE Canadian pairs team Jamie Sale
and David Pelletier, awarded duplicate gold ice skating medals after the
judging scandal in Salt Lake City Winter Olympics, announced their
retirement this week...
... They were to be presented with gold
retirement watches - but the French judge had them reduced to
HOLLYWOOD SPORTS The Dallas Cowboys will allow cameras an
all-access look at their training camp for a sports-based reality show on
HBO. "Hard Knocks: Training Camp with The Dallas Cowboys," will debut
... Up to now the only reality show you'd see Dallas Cowboys
on is "COPS"...
SOCCOR A group of South Korean restaurant owners
plan to offer World Cup tourists free samples of steamed meat, soup,
sandwiches and hamburgers - all made of dog meat. Foreign tourists can
taste the Korean staple at stalls around the country's 10 World Cup stadiums
during the May 31-June 30 tournament, the group of 150 dog meat restaurant
owners said in a statement...
... You'd think soccer fans would have
more respect for an animal that retrieves the ball without using any
FISHING Human remains found inside a large shark caught off
Australia's east coast have been identified as those of a fisherman
swept out to sea from rocks three weeks ago. Police opened missing-persons
and unsolved-homicide files after four game fishermen made the gruesome
discovery of a human skull, pelvis and arm inside a 811-pound tiger shark
they caught on Sunday. Dental records showed the remains belonged to
52-year-old Sydney man Lee Kang Suk, who was washed into the sea while
fishing from rocks near Port Kembla, 68 miles south of Sydney, on April
... Ironically his last words were, "What are they
TENNIS Anna Kournikova is gearing up for a court
battle with Penthouse over pictures the men's magazine claims show her
sunbathing topless. The magazine published a 10-page special of what it
says is the blonde Russian star on a beach in Florida. But a spokesman for
Kournikova, 20, says the photos are of someone else who has dark hair. Agent
David Schwab said: "The magazine has committed numerous violations of
Miss Kournikova's rights, including portraying her in a false light. We
will take all appropriate actions to protect our client's name, rights and
... "She prefers to trash her name, rights and image by
herself on the tennis court..."
WORLD CUP A British Internet site
this week offered fans an ingenious range of ways to duck out of work --
from false sick notes to claiming the dog swallowed the car keys -- so they
can watch the World Cup games beamed from Japan and South Korea in
comfort. The timings of the games, in the early morning or at midday, have
posed a dilemma to millions of soccer-mad Britons used to watching games in
the evenings or at weekends and desperate to follow England and Ireland's
World Cup progress live.
The British government has already urged
employers to bow to the inevitable and take a flexible attitude to working
hours or set up TV screens. But British sports' company Umbro was urging
fans to take the matter into their own hands. Its Web site www.umbro.com was offering a convincing-looking
false sick note signed by a fictitious doctor, F. Albright, to be
printed off and taken to work in advance.
THIS WEEK IN SPORTS
HISTORY In 2001, Yankee Chuck Knoblauch, who was moved to the outfield
because of his error-prone ways at second base, played left field for the
first time in his former home stadium during New York's series at Minnesota,
and was pelted with golf balls, hot dogs and plastic beer bottles by
... Sadly for Chuck the fans have better aim than he
On May 6, 1931, baseball legend Willie Mays, the "Say Hey
Kid," was born...
... At his age he's gone from "Say Hey" to "say
In 2000, a two-week police investigation has led to grand
larceny charges pending against a man who allegedly walked off with over
$30,000 in sports memorabilia while working as a handyman at the home of
former Buffalo Bills quarterback Jim Kelly.
. It must have been quite
a coup to possess so many game balls from Super Bowl losers.
BOX A Toronto politician is telling angry Canadians to complain to the
White House after U.S. fans booed the Canadian anthem before professional
hockey and basketball games. In an article in The Toronto Sun on Tuesday, a
city councilor gave fans the White House's comment phone number in a story
that raised the stakes in the so-called booing war. "I'm asking all
Canadians to join me in telling Bush how we feel," Councilor George
Mammoliti told Reuters. "They claim all these comments go directly to the
... Bush's answer: "Boooooooo! Booooooo!!!"
OUT: "My life is going in the right direction." --Darryl Strawberry,
after being sentenced to 18 months in prison Monday for violating
In "Pissing in the Snow: Ozark Mountain
Folktales", Vance Randolph tells of a wizened old country doctor who could
treat anything. Well it seems one time, one of the mountain folk came into
his office with three complaints.
"Doc," he said, "I can't taste nothin', I can't tell the truth,
and I can't remember nothin' besides."
Well the old Doc thought about this for a minute and went back
into the apothecary, and made of two capsules full with cow hooey, and
gave them both to the man, and telling him to take one immediately,
Well, the man did as he was told, bit down and started chawing,
then yelled out, "Yeachhhh... This stuff tastes like shee-it."
"Uh huh," the doctor said, "Well I see that you can taste, and
you're certainly telling the truth now. And the next time that your memory
is acting up, just take the other pill."
And the old Doc charged the man fifteen bucks and sent him on his
way, and never did hear no trouble from him much after that.
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9. The dog doesn't like dressing up in your
10. I'm moving out... NOT!!!
You Know You're A Mother When...
-- You count the sprinkles on each kid's
cupcake to make sure they're equal.
-- You have time to shave only one
leg at a time.
-- Your kid throws up and you catch it.
else's kid throws up at a party. You keep eating.
-- You find yourself
cutting your husband's sandwiches into cute shapes.
-- You use your
own saliva to clean your child's face.
-- You stop criticizing the way
your mother raised you.
[||||] O I N K O I N K [||||]
Against the advice of
members of his own party, Dub decided to nail down the scarecrow vote by
signing a flawed farm bill that will result in overproduction and low farm
prices, angering free traders world wide. (USA Today)
provision of the $190 billion pork barrel budget buster will provide federal
funding for cast reunions of Hee Haw and Petticoat Junction.
[||||] W E E D W H A C K E D [||||]
spoker Dionne Warwick was nabbed by Miami Airport grass sniffers and charged
with possession of Mary Jane. (USA Today)
She told the cops she was on
the way to San Jose and made the mistake of asking a cannabis vendor who
just happened to be walking on by for directions.
& now your at the end of the letter, I hope that you enjoyed
The times on this one are 196 seconds for 28K modem,
116 seconds for 56k modem & 53 seconds for cable/dsl