Click here for prev. issues of the newsletter. Just click a date when you get to the menu.
By the way, on some of the pictures, if you hover your pointer over the picture, ya might find a comment from me on it, now that I've learned how to do that.
Now its time for the show to start & I think we'll start now!!!!
Q: How many women with PMS does it take to
screw in a light bulb?
A: One. ONE!! And do you know WHY it only
takes ONE? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light
bulb. They don't even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this
house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they
figured it out they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the
fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS.
But if, by some miracle, they actually found the light bulbs, TWO
DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged across two rooms over to stand on
to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! AND
UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE RUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!
WHY?! BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!! IT'S A
WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET
DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THIS HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO
CLEAN THIS....
I'm sorry... what did you ask me?
Did Ya' Know: 020427 ------------------------------------ At this Life Magazine
site you can search all Life covers from 1936 to 1972, the years when Life
was published as a weekly magazine. Enter a date and get the covers
nearest that date, with the title and photographer/artist. Click on the
cover and you'll get a larger version. http://www.life.com/Life/search/covers
The
U.S. Department of State furnishes this listing of official U.S. Embassies
and other Diplomatic Posts and Missions with links to each. http://usembassy.state.gov/
The
groundhog is only accurate in predicting the weather 28% of the
time.
From YOU The Reader's Dept.: I recall seeing the original
"Whistler's Mother" at the famous Huntington Library in Southern
California and cannot imagine that it would have been sold. --Dave
*grin* It makes people wonder! ~AIKEN~
Pita Pizzas submitted by Susan
Nonstick cooking spray 1/2 lb. boneless
skinless chicken breasts, cut into 1/2 inch cubes. 1/2 cup thinly sliced red
bell pepper 1/2 cup thinly sliced mushrooms 1/2 cup thinly sliced red
onion(about 1 small) 2 cloves garlic, minced 1 t.dried basil leaves 1/2
t. dried oregano leaves 1 cup torn fresh spinach leaves 6 mini whole wheat
pita breads 1/2 cup(2 oz) shredded part-skim mozzarella cheese 1 t.
parmesan cheese,
grated ********************************************************************* Preheat
oven to 375 Spray medium nonstick skillet with cooking spray; Heat over
medium heat until hot. Add chicken; cook & stir 6 minutes or until
browned & no longer pink in center. Remove chicken from
skillet. Spray same skillet again with cooking spray, add bell
pepper, mushrooms,onion, garlic, basil & oregano. Cook & stir
over medium heat 5-7 minutes or until vegetables are crisp tender. Return
chicken to skillet; stir well. Place spinach on top of pita breads. Divide
chicken & vegetable mixture evenly, spoon over spinach leaves. Sprinkle
evenly with mozzarella &parmesan cheese. Bake uncovered 7-10 minutes or
until cheese is melted.
Celery Salad
4 to 5 celery stalks 4 Tbsp. salt 7 cups water 5
Tbsp. soy sauce 3 Tbsp. vinegar 3 Tbsp. sesame seed oil 2 carrots
shredded
Remove the top and bottom tips off of each celery stalk and
cut the stalks into thin diagonal strips. Add salt to water and bring to a
boil. Add celery to boiling water and blanch for just a few minutes so that
celery is crisp tender. Drain celery in a colander and rinse well with cold
water to stop the cooking process. Mix together soy sauce, vinegar and sesame
seed oil. Add to the celery and mix well. Garnish with shredded carrot and
serve
Chocolate Cake
Dry ingredients:
1 and 3/4 cups flour 3/4
cup cocoa 2 cups brown sugar 1 and 1/2 t. baking powder 1 and 1/2 t.
baking soda 1 t. salt *********************************** 1/2 cup
oil 2 eggs 2 t. vanilla extract 1 cup milk 1 cup boiling water (or
coffee) ********************************************** Add all dry
ingredients together and mix well Add eggs, milk, and vanilla and mix
well. Add boiling water/coffee at the end and mix well. (Batter will be a
bit runny). Pour into a greased 8"tin and bake for approx. 50 - 60
minutes at 300 F. (We used a Bundt cake pan when we made this cake and it
worked very well).
Today's thought is: 020427 Developing ourselves
We must realize in our
hearts that we are becoming better people. We do this by using our highest
standards and making our best efforts. We do this, in part, by turning our
lives over to God, who will guide us if we sincerely ask.
As we
develop, we find we're offering much more to life than just avoiding
mood-altering drugs. We are coming to love others and to help them by
thinking, feeling, and behaving maturely in all situations.
Am I
developing into a better person?
Higher Power, help me realize that my
new life is not just about changing my past but about developing my future
as well.
Any attack whether verbal
or physical, is caused by fear. When contemplating an attack, we need to
ask ourselves, "What is causing the fear?" That's the issue to consider,
and the answer is always the same. Fear occurs when we align ourselves with
the ego. Fear has no life of its own.
The urge to attack another
person is manageable. We can always curtail the impulse if we are willing
to seek the help of the Holy Spirit. Its voice is softer than the voice of
the ego, so we have to grow quiet to hear it. But we'll see our "opponent"
quite differently after listening to the Spirit.
The Holy Spirit is
capable only of love. If we are not at peace in a situation, or if we
harbor any thought other than love, we are not aligned with the quiet
voice. The only barrier of feeling love is the one the ego constructs. We
are lucky that its voice can be ignored in an instant.
The voice I
hear today determines my level of peace.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
* * * Today's meditation comes from the book Daily Meditations for
Practicing the Course by Karen Casey copyright 1995 available through our
online bookstore at: http://www.hazeldenbookplace.org/store/product.asp?sku=5159
FOR THE LADIES:
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping
for breath and calling your name?
A: You didn't hold the pillow down
long enough.
NO Susan, this is just a joke.
"Diamonds are nothing more than chunks of coal that stuck to their jobs."
- Malcolm Forbes
Did Ya' Know: 020428 ------------------------------------ The word "shrimp" comes
from the German "schrumpfen", meaning something that has shriveled or gotten
smaller - as some store-bought shrimp seem to do when
cooked.
Playwright William Wells Brown was the first black American
to write a play in the United States. "Escape", or "A Leap for Freedom", was
written in 1858.
The device that switches off the ringer on a Japanese
cell phone is called the "manners button," and its LCD icon is a
heart.
*grin* It makes people wonder! ~AIKEN~
Today's thought is: 020429 You grow up the day you have the first real laugh-at
yourself. --Ethel Barrymore
If we are always serious and never see the
funny side of life, there will be no respite from our illnesses. It takes
fewer muscles to laugh than to cry. We'll breathe easier and deeper, and
we'll be much more content when we laugh.
We can choose to pay
attention to why other people are laughing and learn to laugh along with
them. We can try every day-even every hour-to find the positive or humorous
side of life, for laughter helps us put things into perspective. It lends
hope and meaning to life.
I will open my eyes to the funny side of
life and laugh with others.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
* Today's meditation comes from the book Finding the Joy in Today by
Sefra Kobrin Pitzele copyright 1988 available through our online bookstore
at: http://www.hazeldenbookplace.org/store/product.asp?sku=5489
[||||] P I S T O L J A C K P O T [||||]
Conflicting tattoos
and arguments over who had the fewest teeth left are being cited by
Laughlin, NV gendarmes for two am gunplay in Harrah's that sent three kick
starters to Harley heaven. (LA Times)
Terrified bystanders dove for
cover but somehow managed to continue yanking their one armed bandits while
lying on the floor.
[||||] B L A S T O F F ! [||||]
Aussie
cybermillionnaire Mark Shuttleworth paid the Ruski space program twenty
million big ones for the privilege of being shot into the wild blue tucked
into a Soyuz space capsule. (AP)
Wit 'til he finds out the mission
commander is an Aborigine.
The staff at a local United Way office realized it had never received a
donation from the town's most successful lawyer.
The person in charge of
contributions called him to persuade him to contribute and said, "Our
research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not
a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give bback to the community in some
way?"
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First,
did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness,
and has medical bills that are several times her
annual income?"
Embarrassed, the United Way representative mumbled,
"Um... No."
"Or," the lawyer continued, "that my brother, a disabled
veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"
The stricken United
Way representative began to stammer out an apology but was interrupted when
the lawyer added, "Or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident?"
the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "Leaving her penniless with
three children?"
The humiliated United Way representative, completely
beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."
On a roll, the lawyer cut him
off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any
to you?"
A married couple was celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary.
At
the party everybody wanted to know how they managed to stay married so long
in this day and age. The husband responded "When we were first married we
came to an agreement. I would make all the major decisions and my wife would
make all the minor decisions. And in 60 years of marriage we have never
needed to make a major decision."
Now that summer is almost here, camping will be
a favorite past-time for many of you. For the
neophytes,
to start a good campfire just follow these simple
directions...
Split dead limb into fragments and shave one
fragment into slivers.
Bandage left thumb.
Chop other fragments
into smaller pieces.
Bandage left foot.
Make pile structure of
slivers (include those embedded in hand)
Light match.
Try to light
match again. Match may be damp.
Repeat (without swearing) "A scout is
cheerful" and light match.
Apply match to slivers, add wood fragments,
and putting your face close,
blow gently into base of fire.
Apply burn
ointment to nose.
When fire is burning, collect more wood.
Upon
discovering that fire has gone out while searching for more wood, soak wood
from can labeled "kerosene."
Treat face and arms for second-degree
burns.
Re-label can to read "gasoline."
When fire is burning well,
add all remaining firewood.
When thunder storm has passed, repeat steps
above.
Maybe cheat by adding crumpled newspaper.
Two older women, Judy and Monica, who were rivals in a social circle met at a
party.
"My dear," said Monica, "Are those real pearls?"
"They
are," replied Judy.
"Of course, the only way I could tell would be for
me to bite them," smiled Monica.
Judy responded, "Yes, but for that
you would need real teeth."
Cracked
Pot
A
water bearer in India had two large pots, each hung on the ends of a
pole which he carried across his neck. One of the pots
had a crack in it, while the other pot was perfect and always
deliveredafull portion of water.
At the end of the long walk
from the stream to the house, the cracked pot arrived only half
full. For a full two years this went on daily, with the bearer
delivering only one and a half pots full of water to his house. Of
course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments, perfect
for which it was made. But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its
own imperfection, and miserable that it was able to accomplish only
half of what it had been made to do.
After 2 yrs of what it
perceived to be a bitter failure, it spoke to the water bearer one
day by the stream. I am ashamed of myself, and I want to apologize
to you. I have been able to deliver only half my load because this
crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to
your house.
Because of my flaws, you have to do all
of this work, and you don't get full value from your efforts," the
pot said. The bearer said to the pot, "Did you notice that there
were flowers only on your side of the path, but not on the other
pot's side? That's because I have always known about your flaw,
and I planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and every
day while we walk back, you've watered them. For two years I have
been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate the table.
Without you being just the way you are, there would not be this
beauty to grace the house?
Moral: Each of us has our
own unique flaws. We're all cracked pots. But it's the cracks and
flaws we each have that make our lives together so very interesting
and rewarding. You've just got to take each person for what they
are, and look for the good in them.
Blessed are the flexible,
for they shall not be bent out of shape. Remember to appreciate all
the different people in your life! Blessings to all my crackpot
friends
Why does a slight tax increase cost you two
hundred dollars, and a substantial tax cut save you thirty
cents?
----------------------------
I asked Mom if I was a gifted child... she
said they certainly wouldn't have paid for me.
----------------------------
Confusion is one woman plus one left
turn; Excitement is two women plus one secret; Bedlam is three women plus
one bargain; Chaos is four women plus one lunch
check
from: Bob
The most comprehensive humor
archive. 100's of Jokes, 1000's of JPG's/GIF's, Sound clips, Video
Clips and PARODY SONGS
The following questions and answers were collated from
SAT tests given in Springdale, Arkansas in 2000 to 17 year old students!
(Don't laugh too hard-one of these may be the president someday.)
Q: Name the four seasons. A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q:
Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes
large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q:
How is dew formed? A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them
perspire.
Q: What is a planet? A: A body of earth surrounded by
sky.
Q: What causes the tides in the oceans? A: The tides are a
fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards
the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a
vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
Q: In a democratic
society, how important are elections? A: Very important. Sex can only
happen when a male gets an election.
Q: What are steroids? A:
Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
Q: What happens to your
body as you age? A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get
intercontinental.
Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches
puberty? A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his
adultery.
Q; Name a major disease associated with cigarettes. A:
Premature death.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? A: Keep
it in the cow.
Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized?
(E.g., abdomen.) A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium,
the borax and the abdominal cavity. The branium contains the brain, the
borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains
the five bowels, A,E,I,O and U.
Q: What is the Fibula? A:
A small lie.
Q: What does "varicose" mean? A: Nearby.
Q:
What is the most common form of birth control? A: Most people prevent
contraception by wearing a condominium.
Q: Give the meaning of the term
"Caesarean Section." A: The caesarean section is a district in
Rome.
Q: What is a seizure? A: A Roman emperor.
Q: What
is a terminal illness? A: When you are sick at the airport
Q: Give
an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature? A: Mushrooms.
They always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
Q:
What does the word "benign" mean? A: Benign is what you will be after you
be eight.
Q: What is a turbine? A: Something an Arab wears on his
head.
Q: What is a Hindu? A: It lays eggs
& now your at the end of the letter, I hope that you enjoyed
The times on this one are 223 seconds for 28K modem,
132 seconds for 56k modem & 61 seconds for cable/dsl
