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The News letter, 020520

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Just click a date when you get to the menu.

By the way, on some of the pictures, if you hover your pointer over the picture, ya might find a comment from me on it,
now that I've learned how to do that.

Now its time for the show to start & I think we'll start now!!!!

Q: How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a
light bulb?

A: One. ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE?
Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change
a light bulb. They don't even know the bulb is BURNED
OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for
THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they
figured it out they wouldn't be able to find the light
bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME
CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS. But if, by some
miracle, they actually found the light bulbs, TWO DAYS
LATER the chair that they dragged across two rooms
over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would

I'm sorry... what did you ask me?

Did Ya' Know: 020427
At this Life Magazine site you can search all Life
covers from 1936 to 1972, the years when Life was
published as a weekly magazine. Enter a date and get
the covers nearest that date, with the title and
photographer/artist. Click on the cover and you'll
get a larger version.

The U.S. Department of State furnishes this listing
of official U.S. Embassies and other Diplomatic Posts
and Missions with links to each.

The groundhog is only accurate in predicting the
weather 28% of the time.

From YOU The Reader's Dept.:
I recall seeing the original "Whistler's Mother" at
the famous Huntington Library in Southern California
and cannot imagine that it would have been sold.  --Dave

*grin* It makes people wonder!

Pita Pizzas submitted by Susan

Nonstick cooking spray
1/2 lb. boneless skinless chicken breasts, cut into 1/2 inch cubes.
1/2 cup thinly sliced red bell pepper
1/2 cup thinly sliced mushrooms
1/2 cup thinly sliced red onion(about 1 small)
2 cloves garlic, minced
1 t.dried basil leaves
1/2 t. dried oregano leaves
1 cup torn fresh spinach leaves
6 mini whole wheat pita breads
1/2 cup(2 oz) shredded part-skim mozzarella cheese
1 t. parmesan cheese, grated
Preheat oven to 375
Spray medium nonstick skillet with cooking spray;
Heat over medium heat until hot.
Add chicken; cook & stir 6 minutes
or until browned & no longer pink in center. Remove chicken from
Spray same skillet again with cooking spray, add bell pepper,
mushrooms,onion, garlic, basil & oregano. Cook & stir over
medium heat 5-7 minutes or until vegetables are crisp tender.
Return chicken to skillet; stir well.
Place spinach on top of pita breads.
Divide chicken & vegetable mixture evenly, spoon over spinach
leaves. Sprinkle evenly with mozzarella &parmesan cheese.
Bake uncovered 7-10 minutes or until cheese is melted.

Celery Salad
4 to 5 celery stalks
4 Tbsp. salt
7 cups water
5 Tbsp. soy sauce
3 Tbsp. vinegar
3 Tbsp. sesame seed oil
2 carrots shredded
Remove the top and bottom tips off of each celery stalk and cut
the stalks into thin diagonal strips. Add salt to water and bring
to a boil. Add celery to boiling water and blanch for just a
few minutes so that celery is crisp tender. Drain celery in a
colander and rinse well with cold water to stop the cooking
process. Mix together soy sauce, vinegar and sesame seed oil.
Add to the celery and mix well. Garnish with shredded carrot
and serve

NOW just how did I do this ? ? ?

Chocolate Cake

Dry ingredients:
1 and 3/4 cups flour
3/4 cup cocoa
2 cups brown sugar
1 and 1/2 t. baking powder
1 and 1/2 t. baking soda
1 t. salt
1/2 cup oil
2 eggs
2 t. vanilla extract
1 cup milk
1 cup boiling water (or coffee)
Add all dry ingredients together and mix well
Add eggs, milk, and vanilla and mix well.
Add boiling water/coffee at the end and mix well.
(Batter will be a bit runny).
Pour into a greased 8"tin and bake for approx.
50 - 60 minutes at 300 F.
(We used a Bundt cake pan when we made this cake and
it worked very well).

Today's thought is: 020427
Developing ourselves

We must realize in our hearts that we are becoming better people. 
We do this by using our highest standards and making our best
efforts.  We do this, in part, by turning our lives over to God, who
will guide us if we sincerely ask.

As we develop, we find we're offering much more to life than just
avoiding mood-altering drugs.  We are coming to love others and
to help them by thinking, feeling, and behaving maturely in all

Am I developing into a better person?

Higher Power, help me realize that my new life is not just about
changing my past but about developing my future as well.

Today I will work on developing myself by .

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Today's meditation comes from the book
Day by Day by Anonymous copyright 1975
available through our online bookstore at:

Today's thought is: 020428
Fear triggers attack.

Any attack whether verbal or physical, is caused by fear.  When
contemplating an attack, we need to ask ourselves, "What is
causing the fear?"  That's the issue to consider, and the answer is
always the same.  Fear occurs when we align ourselves with the
ego.  Fear has no life of its own.

The urge to attack another person is manageable.  We can always
curtail the impulse if we are willing to seek the help of the Holy
Spirit.  Its voice is softer than the voice of the ego, so we have to
grow quiet to hear it.  But we'll see our "opponent" quite
differently after listening to the Spirit.

The Holy Spirit is capable only of love.  If we are not at peace in a
situation, or if we harbor any thought other than love, we are not
aligned with the quiet voice.  The only barrier of feeling love is the
one the ego constructs.  We are lucky that its voice can be ignored
in an instant.

The voice I hear today determines my level of peace.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Today's meditation comes from the book
Daily Meditations for Practicing the Course by Karen Casey copyright 1995
available through our online bookstore at:


Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for
breath and calling your name?

A: You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

NO Susan, this is just a joke.

"Diamonds are nothing more than chunks of coal that stuck
to their jobs."

- Malcolm Forbes

Did Ya' Know: 020428
The word "shrimp" comes from the German "schrumpfen",
meaning something that has shriveled or gotten smaller
- as some store-bought shrimp seem to do when cooked.

Playwright William Wells Brown was the first black
American to write a play in the United States.
"Escape", or "A Leap for Freedom", was written in 1858.
The device that switches off the ringer on a Japanese
cell phone is called the "manners button," and its LCD
icon is a heart.

*grin* It makes people wonder!

Today's thought is: 020429
You grow up the day you have the first real laugh-at yourself.
--Ethel Barrymore

If we are always serious and never see the funny side of life, there
will be no respite from our illnesses.  It takes fewer muscles to
laugh than to cry.  We'll breathe easier and deeper, and we'll be
much more content when we laugh.

We can choose to pay attention to why other people are laughing
and learn to laugh along with them.  We can try every day-even
every hour-to find the positive or humorous side of life, for
laughter helps us put things into perspective.  It lends hope and
meaning to life.

I will open my eyes to the funny side of life and laugh with others.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Today's meditation comes from the book
Finding the Joy in Today by Sefra Kobrin Pitzele copyright 1988
available through our online bookstore at:

[||||]    P I S T O L    J A C K P O T     [||||]   

Conflicting tattoos and arguments over who had the fewest teeth left are
being cited by Laughlin, NV gendarmes for two am gunplay in Harrah's
that sent three kick starters to Harley heaven.    (LA Times)

Terrified bystanders dove for cover but somehow managed to continue
yanking their one armed bandits while lying on the floor.

[||||]     B L A S T    O F F !         [||||]     

Aussie cybermillionnaire Mark Shuttleworth paid the Ruski space program
twenty million big ones for the privilege of being shot into the wild
blue tucked into a Soyuz space capsule.    (AP)

Wit 'til he finds out the mission commander is an Aborigine. 

The staff at a local United Way office realized it had never
received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer.

The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him
to contribute and said, "Our research shows that out of a yearly
income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity.
Wouldn't you like to give bback to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did
your research also show that my mother is dying after a long
illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual

Embarrassed, the United Way representative mumbled, "Um... No."

"Or," the lawyer continued, "that my brother, a disabled veteran,
is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken United Way representative began to stammer out an
apology but was interrupted when the lawyer added, "Or that my
sister's husband died in a traffic accident?" the lawyer's voice
rising in indignation, "Leaving her penniless with three

The humiliated United Way representative, completely beaten, said
simply, "I had no idea..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give
any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

A married couple was celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary.

At the party everybody wanted to know how they managed to stay
married so long in this day and age. The husband responded "When
we were first married we came to an agreement. I would make all
the major decisions and my wife would make all the minor
decisions. And in 60 years of marriage we have never needed to
make a major decision."

Now that summer is almost here, camping will be
a favorite past-time for many of you.  For the neophytes,
to start a good campfire just follow these simple directions...

Split dead limb into fragments and shave one fragment
into slivers.

Bandage left thumb.

Chop other fragments into smaller pieces.

Bandage left foot.

Make pile structure of slivers (include those embedded in hand)

Light match.

Try to light match again.  Match may be damp.

Repeat (without swearing) "A scout is cheerful" and light match.

Apply match to slivers, add wood fragments, and putting your face close,
blow gently into base of fire.

Apply burn ointment to nose.

When fire is burning, collect more wood.

Upon discovering that fire has gone out while searching for more
wood, soak wood from can labeled "kerosene."

Treat face and arms for second-degree burns.

Re-label can to read "gasoline."

When fire is burning well, add all remaining firewood.

When thunder storm has passed, repeat steps above.
Maybe cheat by adding crumpled newspaper.

Two older women, Judy and Monica, who were rivals in a
social circle met at a party.

"My dear," said Monica, "Are those real pearls?"

"They are," replied Judy.

"Of course, the only way I could tell would be for me
to bite them," smiled Monica.

Judy responded, "Yes, but for that you would need real teeth."

Cracked Pot

A water bearer in India had two large pots, each hung on the ends of a pole
which he carried across his neck.
One of the pots had a crack in it, while the other pot was perfect and
always deliveredafull portion of water.

At the end of the long walk from the stream to the house, the cracked pot
arrived only half full.
For a full two years this went on daily, with the bearer delivering only one
and a half pots full of water to his house.   Of course, the perfect pot was
proud of its accomplishments, perfect for which it was made.
But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and miserable
that it was able to accomplish only half of what it had been made to do.

After 2 yrs of what it perceived to be a bitter failure, it spoke to the
water bearer one day by the stream.   I am ashamed of myself, and I want to
apologize to you.   I have been able to deliver only half my load because
this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your

Because of my flaws, you have to do all of this work, and you don't get
full value from your efforts," the pot said.   The bearer said to the pot,
"Did you notice that there were flowers only on your side of the path, but
not on the other pot's side?   That's because I have always known about your
flaw, and I planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and every day
while we walk back, you've watered them.   For two years I have been able to
pick these beautiful flowers to decorate the table.   Without you being just
the way you are, there would not be this beauty to grace the house?

Each of us has our own unique flaws.   We're all cracked pots. But it's the
cracks and flaws we each have that make our lives together so very
interesting and rewarding.   You've just got to take each person for what
they are, and look for the good in them.

Blessed are the flexible, for they shall not be bent out of shape.
Remember to appreciate all the different people in your life!
Blessings to all my crackpot friends

Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars,
and a substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?
I asked Mom if I was a gifted child...
she said they certainly wouldn't have paid for me.
Confusion is one woman plus one left turn;
Excitement is two women plus one secret;
Bedlam is three women plus one bargain;
Chaos is four women plus one lunch check

from:  Bob

The most comprehensive humor archive.
100's of Jokes, 1000's of JPG's/GIF's, 
Sound clips, Video Clips and PARODY SONGS


SAT Answers

  The following questions and answers were collated from SAT tests given
  Springdale, Arkansas in 2000 to 17 year old students! (Don't laugh too
  hard-one of these may be the president someday.)

  Q: Name the four seasons.
  A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

  Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to
  A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large
  like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

  Q: How is dew formed?
  A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

  Q: What is a planet?
  A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.

  Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
  A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water
tends to
  flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and
  abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

  Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections?
  A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.

  Q: What are steroids?
  A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

  Q: What happens to your body as you age?
  A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

  Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
  A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

  Q; Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
  A: Premature death.

  Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
  A: Keep it in the cow.

  Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (E.g., abdomen.)
  A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax
and the
  abdominal cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains
  heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels,
  and U.

  Q: What is the Fibula?
  A: A small lie.

  Q: What does "varicose" mean?
  A: Nearby.

  Q: What is the most common form of birth control?
  A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.

  Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section."
  A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.

  Q: What is a seizure?
  A: A Roman emperor.

  Q: What is a terminal illness?
  A: When you are sick at the airport

  Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
  A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they look like

  Q: What does the word "benign" mean?
  A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

  Q: What is a turbine?
  A: Something an Arab wears on his head.

  Q: What is a Hindu?
  A: It lays eggs

& now your at the end of the letter, I hope that you enjoyed

The times on this one are 223 seconds for 28K modem,
132 seconds for 56k modem & 61 seconds for cable/dsl

thanks, David 1