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The News letter, 020515

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By the way, on some of the pictures, if you hover your pointer over the picture, ya might find a comment from me on it,
now that I've learned how to do that.

Now its time for the show to start & I think we'll start now!!!!

         "We either live together as brothers and sisters,
                  or we perish together as fools."

                         ~ Martin Luther King~

========================= The Thieving Joker =========================
Stolen from: Hilarity/Hilarity Junior
To sign up --> http://www.keepahead.com
==================== http://www.ThievingJoker.net ====================

They were caught by police smoking the massive spliff in a public park
in Darwin, Australia.

All five are members of cannabis campaign group Network Against

They were all arrested, one for having a toke as the smoke-in began.
They claimed it was the town's biggest joint.

But it was not confiscated because police say it may not have
contained marijuana. Police have not yet said what those arrested have
been charged with.

The group's spokesman, Scott White, says the joint was lit as a
solidarity gesture for Darwin's pot smokers, reports Australia's ABC

Source: Ananova

Useful link: http://www.ananova.com/yournews/story/sm_571430.html

Dirty Weekend Poll

Aussie stars win dirty weekend survey

Russell Crowe and Kylie Minogue are people's ideal partners for a
dirty weekend, according to a new survey.

Crowe beat fellow Hollywood actors George Clooney, Brad Pitt and Tom

Kylie triumphed over the likes of Julia Roberts and Penelope Cruz.

Only one in three women and one in four men said they would take their
partner on a dirty weekend.

The survey also revealed that 32% of couples had checked into a hotel
or guest house under bogus names.

Source: Ananova

Useful link: http://www.ananova.com/yournews/story/sm_568037.html

Stolen from: PureHumour JokeList
To sign up --> http://www.paulsfunhouse.com
==================== http://www.ThievingJoker.net ====================
The surviving Dog.

A dog has survived a 40ft fall after jumping out of a third-floor
window to try and catch a squirrel.

Leo the Labrador was sitting in a flat in Brighton with his owner when
he spotted the squirrel in trees.

He pushed open the window with his nose and jumped, missing the tree
and landing on the pavement.

The Evening Argus says owner Colin Rowland found him lying motionless
and feared the worst.

Leo cut his back leg in the fall. Vets expect him to make a full
recovery. Mr Rowland thought he was dead.

Mr Rowland, a joiner from Hove, believes his dog survived the fall
because he takes part in monthly dog agility classes.

He remembers watching Leo's tail disappear through the window and
expected to find him dead.

Mr Rowland said: "I shouted but it was just too late. I felt really
sick. All I remember thinking is that I would have to scrape him off
the pavement.

"I picked him up and laid him in the back of the car and he just
collapsed. I though he was a goner. He was in shock and I didn't know
if he'd done some internal damage."

When he arrived at the vet's Leo still hadn't moved a muscle. Mr
Rowland said: "Then he sat up and noticed all the nice ladies and
began jumping up and running around. I felt like a fraud. He's a miracle."

(based on what other dumb criminals have done)

If you plan to commit a crime and run from the police on foot...*Do* pick a
more subtle color to wear than bright yellow pants.

*Don't* invite a uniformed police officer into your home to chat about a
crime you witnessed if you have dope on the table in plain view.

When you go on a burglary spree *Do* ensure you have enough gas in your
vehicle to drive away from your crime scene.

"But I know the people who live here" is *Not* a valid justification for
burglarizing a neighbors house when they are out of town.

When an officer is demonstrating a field sobriety test *Don't* say, "Well, I
can't do that sober!" on camera, and then plead not guilty.

If you are going to steal a car *Do* pick one that will blend in traffic
better than a pearl white six door limo.

*Don't* answer a question with the phrase, "Who me?" when you and the
officer are the only people in a ten mile radius.

*Don't* repeat the question that the officer just asked. It's considered a
stall technique and it gives away the fact you are getting ready to lie
through your teeth.

*Don't* say, "I ain't got no dope. Why you wanna search my car?" before the
officer even introduces himself/herself on the traffic stop.

*Do* pick an alias you can spell before you lie to the police about your

*Do* ensure the birthday you give matches the age you give when lying about
your birthday.

When you attempt to drop your dope on the ground when approached by an
officer, *Don't* bounce said dope off the toe of the officer's boot.

*Do* come up with something better to say than, "These aren't my pants" when
the officer finds dope or any other contraband in your pocket.

If you are going to jump into a stranger's fenced back yard *Do* make sure a
police K-9 vehicle is not parked in the driveway.

*Don't* ask an off duty plain clothes officer in his privately owned vehicle
for a ride away from your crime scene.

If you leave your pants, car, and ID at a crime scene, the cops *Will*
probably be able to figure out who dunnit.

Folks I think I did this next one before but it's worth another go around


You folks with toddlers should relate to this one!

Americans are always on the lookout for a new diet.  The
trouble with most diets is that you don't get enough to eat
(the starvation diet), or you don't get enough variation (the
liquid diet) or you go broke (the all-meat diet).

Consequently, people tend to cheat on their diets, or quit
after 3 days, or go right back to stuffing their faces after
it is all over.  Is there nothing you can do but give up and
tell your friends you have a gland problem?

Well, now there's the new Toddler Miracle Diet!  Over the
years you may have noticed, as I have, that most two-year-olds
are trim.  It came to me one day over a glass of water and a
carrot that perhaps their diet is the reason.

After consultation with pediatricians, X-ray technicians, and
distraught Moms, I was able to formulate this new diet.  It is
inexpensive, offering great variety and sufficient quantity.
Before embarking on this diet, however, be sure to check with
your doctor -- otherwise, you might have to see him afterward.

Good luck!

Breakfast:  One scrambled egg, one piece of toast with grape
jelly.  Eat 2 bites of egg, using your fingers; dump the rest
on the floor.  Take 1 bite of toast, then smear the jelly over
your face and clothes.

Lunch:  Four crayons (any color), a handful of potato chips,
and a glass of milk (3 sips only, then spill the rest).

Dinner:  A dry stick, two pennies and a nickel, 4 sips of flat

Bedtime snack:  Toast a piece of bread and toss it on the
kitchen floor.

Breakfast:  Pick up stale toast from kitchen floor and eat it.
Drink half bottle of vanilla extract or one vial of vegetable

Lunch:  Half a tube of "Pulsating Pink" lipstick and a handful
of Purina Dog Chow (any flavor).  One ice cube, if desired.

Afternoon Snack:  Lick an all-day sucker until sticky, take
outside, drop in dirt.  Retrieve and continue slurping until
it is clean again.  Then bring inside and drop on the rug.

Dinner:  A rock or an uncooked bean, which should be thrust up
your left nostril.  Pour grape Kool-Aid over mashed potatoes;
eat with a spoon.

Breakfast:  Two pancakes with plenty of syrup, eat one with
fingers, rub in hair.  Glass of milk; drink half, stuff other
pancake in glass.  After breakfast, pick up yesterday's sucker
from rug, lick off fuzz, and put it on the cushion of your
best chair.

Lunch:  Three matches, peanut butter and jelly sandwich.  Spit
several bites onto the floor.  Pour glass of milk on table and
slurp up.

Dinner:  Dish of ice cream, handful of potato chips, some red

Breakfast:  A quarter-tube of toothpaste (any flavor), bit of
soap, an olive.  Pour a glass of milk over bowl of Cornflakes,
add a half cup of sugar.  Once cereal is soggy, drink milk and
feed cereal to dog.

Lunch:  Eat crumbs off kitchen floor and dining room carpet.
Find that sucker and finish eating it.

Dinner:  A glass of spaghetti and chocolate milk.  Leave
meatball on plate.  Stick of mascara for dessert.

The Senility Prayer

God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell
the difference.

Now that I'm 'older' (but refuse to grow up), here's what I've

1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran or oatmeal.
3. I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.
4. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
4. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
5. If all is not lost, where is it?
6. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
7. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in
the bathroom.
8. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my
9. It's not hard to meet expenses ... they're everywhere.
10.These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter...I
go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm here after.

Some years ago, Michael J. Flanagan, a successful New
York contractor, was standing on the deck of the
Staten Island Ferry when a car got loose and sent him
into the river where he drowned.

The following Sunday his widow, all decked out in
deepest black, was standing on the church steps after
Mass, receiving condolences and enjoying every minute
of it, when an old friend of the contractor came up.

"I'm sorry, Mary, for your trouble," offered the
friend. "Did Mike leave you well fixed?"

"Oh, he did!" she said. "He left me almost a half
million dollars."

"Well now, that's not bad for a man who couldn't read
or write."

"Nor swim either," added the widow.

I'm Fine - How are you?

There's nothing the matter with me,
I'm just as healthy as can be,
I have arthritis in both knees,

And when I talk, I talk with a wheeze.
My pulse is weak, my blood is thin,
But I'm awfully well for the shape I'm in.

All my teeth have had to come out,
And my diet I hate to think about.
I'm overweight and I can't get thin,
But I'm awfully well for the shape I'm in.

And arch supports I need for my feet.
Or I wouldn't be able to go out in the street.
Sleep is denied me night after night,
But every morning I find I'm all right.
My memory's failing, my head's in a spin.
But I'm awfully well for the shape I'm in.

Old age is golden  I've heard it said,
But sometimes I wonder, as I go to bed.
With my ears in a drawer, my teeth in a cup,
And my glasses on a shelf, until I get up.
And when sleep dims my eyes, I say to myself,
Is there anything else I should lay on the shelf?

The reason I know my Youth has been spent,
Is my get-up-and-go has got-up-and-went!
But really I don't mind, when I think with a grin,
Of all the places my get-up has been.

I get up each morning and dust off my wits,
Pick up the paper and read the obits.
If my name is missing, I'm therefore not dead,
So I eat a good breakfast and jump back into bed.

The moral of this as the tale unfolds,
Is that for you and me, who are growing old.
It is better to say "I'm fine" with a grin,
Than to let people know the shape we are in.


A little girl came running in the house and said, "Mommy,
I met the most wonderful man this morning. It was the
garbage man, and he was carrying a big bag over his head,
and it broke and went all over him. And, you know,
Mommy, he just stood there and talked to his mother,
his son, and God."

My boyfriend and I were at my daughter's volleyball game when we
noticed an adult couple in the bleachers.  They were being VERY
affectionate.  She was running her hands all over him and nibbling
on his ear. He had his hands on her chest.
I said to my boyfriend, "I don't know whether to watch them or the

He said, "Watch THEM ! You already KNOW how to play volleyball."

Three old guys from the twilight home were given, as a
treat, a day at the beach. And it turned out to be a nudist

They were watching the various young women agog.
When the prettiest of them all walked by, one of the
men said, "I'd like to give her a hug."

"I'd like to give her a kiss," said the second man.

And the third old man said, "What was that other thing
we used to do?"

Today's thought is: 020426
. open up to hope and new possibilities .

Some mornings we may awaken filled with thoughts of what is
wrong in our lives.  Perhaps we obsess about our failures or the
limits of our relationships.  If we let ourselves sink into self-
loathing, we build a wall that separates us from those things that
nurture us and give us joy.

When we awaken to the living and growing world, our spirits lift
and open up to hope and new possibilities.  Walking along an old
sidewalk or across an abandoned parking lot, we see cracks in the
concrete or asphalt and new green growth pushing through.  Where
there is enough soil to hold a seed, there is the possibility of a tree
someday.  The universe seizes opportunities for renewal that slip
through the slightest opening.  There is always hope for renewal in
our relationships when we are willing to plant the seeds and feed
them so they can grow.

Name an experience that has shown you the seeds for new growth.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Today's meditation comes from the book
The More We Find in Each Other by Mavis Fossum and Merle Fossum copyright 1992
available through our online bookstore at:


1. Dogs will tilt their heads and try to
understand every word you say. Cats
will ignore you and take a nap.

2. Cats look silly on a leash.

3. When you come home from work, your
dog will be happy and lick your face.
Cats will still be mad at you for leaving
in the first place.

4. Dogs will give you unconditional love
until the day they die. Cats will make you
pay for every mistake you've ever made
since the day you were born.

5. A dog knows when you're sad. And he'll
try to comfort you. Cats don't care how you
feel, as long as you remember where the
can opener is.

6. Dogs will bring you your slippers. Cats
will drop a dead mouse in your slippers.

7. When you take them for a ride, dogs will
sit on the seat next to you. Cats have to have
their own private basket, or they won't go at all.

8. Dogs will come when you call them. And
they'll be happy. Cats will have someone take
a message and get back to you.

9. Dogs will play fetch with you all day long.
The only thing cats will play with all day long
are small rodents or bugs, preferably ones
that look like they're in pain.

10. Dogs will wake you up if the house is on
fire. Cats will quietly sneak out the back door.

You can't please everyone.  But it is possible to make'em all mad at the same time.

My engineer husband is meticulous but mild-mannered.  While our new house was being built, he would leave notes for the workmen, politely calling their attention to mistakes or oversights.  Two weeks before we were to move in, the floors still were not finished, the bathrooms not tiled, nor were necessary fixtures installed.  I was sure that the work would never be completed in time.  However, on moving day, we found that the house was ready to receive us.
Curious as to how this miracle had been accomplished, I went and checked where my husband always left his notes for the workmen.  Posted prominently on the living room wall was my husband's last note: "after September 15, all work will be supervised by 5 children."

An atheist complained to a friend, "Christians have their special holidays, such as Christmas and Easter; and Jewish folks celebrate their holidays, such as Passover and Yom Kippur.  EVERY religion has its holidays.  But we atheists," he said, "have no recognized national holidays.  It's unfair discrimination."
His friend replied, "Well...Why don't you celebrate April first

When I was young I used to pray for a bike, then I realized that God doesn't work that way....
So I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness.

Self-Evident Truths About Pets

* Buy a dog a toy and it will play with it forever. Buy a cat a
present and it will play with the wrapper for 10 minutes.

* Although cats are rather delicate creatures, and they are subject
to a good many ailments, I never heard of one who suffered from

* Dogs and cats instinctively know the exact moment their owners will
wake up. Then they wake them 10 minutes sooner.

* Dog's have owners. Cat's have staff.

* Dogs shed, cats shred.

* I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird
religious cult?

* No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as
the dog does.

* Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend.  Inside of
a dog, it's too dark to read.

* I hope to be the kind of person my dog thinks I am.

* Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you
are wonderful.

* People that hate cats will come back as dogs in their next life.

* We wonder why the dogs always drink out of our toilets, but look at
it from their point of view: Why do humans keep peeing into their
water bowls?

* Women and cats will do as they please ... men and dogs should relax
and get used to the idea.

* When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem.

* In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone
should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him.

& now your at the end of the letter, I hope that you enjoyed

The times on this one are 160 seconds for 28K modem,
95 seconds for 56k modem & 44 seconds for cable/dsl

thanks, David 1