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The News letter, 020404-2

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By the way, on some of the pictures, if you hover your pointer over the picture, ya might find a comment from me on it,
now that I've learned how to do that.

Now its time for the show to start & I think we'll start now!!!!

Hypochondriac  Chips

Mrs. Smith was a hypochondriac.
Dr. Jones was fed up with her constant complaints about non-existent
illnesses, so he started palming her off with a mild sedative to keep
her happy.
One day she complained about chest pains and the doctor prescribed his
usual treatment.
This time however, the pain was real and Mrs. Smith died of a heart
On hearing of her death, Dr. Jones was so upset he died of shock.
Mrs. Smith and Dr. Jones were buried next to each other in the
The next morning, Dr. Jones heard a tapping on his coffin, followed by a
voice saying, "Dr. Jones, this is Mrs. Smith.  Do you have anything for

Say the word COW before each word.

1 - Cows

2 - About

3 - Talking

4 - Idiot

5 - This

6 - Got

7 - I

8 - Long

9 - How

10 - Look

Now say the word COW After each word

1 - Cows

2 - About

3 - Talking

4 - Idiot

5 - This

6 - Got

7 - I

8 - Long

9 - How

10 - Look

Now say the word COW before AND after each word.

1 - Cows

2 - About

3 - Talking

4 - Idiot

5 - This

6 - Got

7 - I

8 - Long

9 - How

10 - Look

Now Read the word upwards from the bottom.

1 - Cows

2 - About

3 - Talking

4 - Idiot

5 - This

6 - Got

7 - I

8 - Long

9 - How

10 - Look

  A witness to an automobile accident was testifying. The following
exchange took place between the lawyer and the witness: The lawyer:
"Did you actually see the accident?" The witness: "Yes, sir."
The lawyer: "How far away were you when the accident happened?" The
witness: "Thirty-one feet, six and one quarter inches." The lawyer
(thinking he'd trap the witness): "Well, sir, will you tell the jury
how you knew it was exactly that distance?"
The witness: "Because when the accident happened I took out a tape and
measured it. I knew some stupid lawyer would ask me that question."

It was early one morning when the Pastor heard a noise outside
his door. When he opened it, he found a donkey standing outside,
which immediately fell over dead. Not exactly knowing what to do
about the situation, he called the local sheriff and told him about
the jackass laying before him.
The sheriff couldn't resist jabbing at the Minister and said, "Pastor,
I thought the first duty of the Minister was to bury the dead."
Without hesitation, the Pastor said, "No the first duty of the Minister
is to notify the next of kin."

"I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be
thinking up something else."
       Lily Tomlin

A man usually feels better after a few winks.
Especially if she winks back.

A brunette, a redhead and a blonde were all in a terrible car accident,
and all died tragically. At the gates of Heaven, they were met by St.
Peter, who said to them:

"Ok, I'll ask you each one question, and if you answer correctly, you
may enter the gates of Heaven."

First, he asked the brunette: "What is Easter?"

She answered: "Oh, it's when people get a big tree and decorate it and
exchange gifts!"

"No." St. Peter answered, rather disappointed.

Next, he asked the redhead: "What is Easter?"

"Oh, it's when people get all dressed-up and go door to door 'trick or
treating'!" She answered.

St. Peter sighed, "No." By this time, he was very discouraged, and when
he saw that the blonde was the only one left, he was positive she
wouldn't know, but he asked anyway:

"What is Easter?"

Confident, she began: "It is a celebration of the man who died on the
cross after going up a large hill, carrying his cross, and stumbling
three times..."

"You're right!" St. Peter was overjoyed, but the blonde continued:

"And when he finally died they laid him in a tomb..."

"No, no, that's quite enough, dear, you are correct!" St. Peter
exclaimed happily, but the blonde persisted:

"And every year, he comes out of his tomb, and if he sees his shadow, we
have six more weeks of winter."

'Twas the night before Easter. All was calm and laid back.
Fred, the mouse in the kitchen, snarfed down a late snack.
The eggs were all dyed but still drippy and sticky...
To be honest, they looked just a little bit icky.
There were big jelly beans, chocolate bunnies and such,
And as Fred stuffed his face, he sighed, "This is too much!"
Phil and Rose were in bed watching late night TV,
While munching saltines with low-sodium Brie.

Then a sudden commotion rang out in the night.
It shook Phil and Rose, really gave them a fright.
Phil's hair stood on end, and his eyes bugged out big...
Rose whipped off the covers and knocked off her wig.

They lunged to the window, yanked open the blinds...
What they saw was amazing; it boggled their minds:
Across the night sky, with a noise like the dickens,
Soared a minivan drawn by eight overgrown chickens!

At the wheel sat a bunny -- cute, fuzzy and fat --
In designer blue jeans and a Panama hat.
Like a speeding space shuttle, those chickens they flew,
As the van driver called to each hen in his crew:

"Now, Ashley! Now, Sheila! Now, Kelsey and Bo!
On Bethany, Liza! On Daphne, on Flo!"
The van made its landing lickety-split ...
Nearly wiped out the shrubs and the barbecue pit!

Then up on the roof, much to Phil's consternation,
They squawked of egg prices and space navigation.
They made so much noise that Phil started to stammer,
"If you guys don't shut up, we'll get thrown in the slammer!"

Fuzzy hopped down the chimney, amidst all this racket,
And emerged from the fireplace, adjusting his jacket.
This bunny was chic, he had class, he had flair ..
Not your average bozo, not your typical hare.

His ears were enormous; his huge overbite
Was right under a nose like a pink neon light.
His manner was smooth, he was hip, he was cool;
This floppy-eared bunny was no fuzzy fool.

"While I'm here," he smiled, "Everybody relaxes ...
I'm not selling storm windows, won't audit your taxes.
I'm just here to bring you some fun and delight.
Eat, drink, and be merry! Let's party tonight!"

So they sipped diet soda and swapped silly jokes,
Those birds and their bunny just being plain folks.
Then flop-ears said, "Hey, friends, we've had quite a ball,
But my chickens and I are now due in St. Paul!"

He crossed both his eyes. Then he wiggled one ear,
And he yelled to his chicken team, "We're outta here!"
As the minivan rose in the 3 a.m. sky,
He called out, "Later, Phil! And to you, Rose, good-bye!"

As he sped out of sight, his two friends heard him say,
"Happy Easter to all! Have a beautiful day!"

When Abraham Liebowitz gets to school he discovers that he is
the only Jewish kid in the class.  But it's a decent town and
nobody really bothers him.

One day the teacher asks the class "Who was the greatest person
who ever lived? and why?" And to make it interesting she held a
twenty dollar bill in the air and said "whoever gives the best
answer will get this twenty dollars".

All of the kids called out their guesses.

One said "George Washington - because he was the father of our

"That's excellent" said the teacher.

Another said "Abraham Lincoln - because he freed the slaves."

"That's also good" said the teacher, reluctant to bestow an
excellent, but still being polite.

One little girl said "Joan of Arc - because she saved France."

Another excellent choice said the teacher.

Then Abraham Liebowitz, raised his hand.

So the teacher called on him.  "Abraham, who do you think was
the greatest person who ever lived, and why?"

And Abraham said "Jesus Christ."

The teacher was shocked.  "Abraham," she said "I'm very surprised.
Class, I think we can all agree that Abraham should get the twenty
dollars." And she handed Abraham Liebowitz the money.

At recess, the teacher was still very impressed. So she asked Abraham
why he said Jesus.

Abraham said "Look, personally I think Moses was the greatest
person who ever lived, but... business is business!"

I like this one

A man had to attend a large convention in Chicago.

On this particular trip he decided to bring his wife.
When they arrived at their hotel and were shown to their
room, the man said, "You rest here while I register - I'll
be back within an hour."

The wife lies down on the bed... just then, an elevated
train passes by very close to the window and shakes
the room so hard she's thrown out of the bed. Thinking
this must be a freak occurrence, she lies down once
more. Again a train shakes the room so violently, she's
pitched to the floor.

Exasperated, she calls the front desk, asks for the

The manager says he'll be right up. The manager (naturally)
is skeptical but the wife insists the story is true.

"Look,... lie here on the bed - you'll be thrown right to the

So he lies down next to the wife... Just then the husband
walks in.

"What," he says, "are you doing here?"

The manager replies: "Would you believe I'm waiting for
a train?"

THE WIT WIZARD savagely exposes America's frauds, fools,
freaks & foibles, harpoons the hypocrites and punctures the
pompous. Free politically incorrect social satire weekly...
An EzineADventure AD. Get Your FREE Ads NOW!

Mom's Laundry Rules

Pajamas -- Do not put pajamas in the dirty clothes after
only one wear. It is a scientific fact that you do not get
dirty while you sleep. Pajamas can be worn many times
before they smell bad enough to warrant being thrown
in the dirty clothes.
Exception: You may put pajamas in the dirty clothes if
you throw up on them or something else that may be
deemed disgusting, but only if they stink.

Socks -- Unroll your socks before putting them in the
dirty clothes. Otherwise, I will start washing and drying
them in their original rolled up little balls.
Special note: Unroll socks before throwing them down
the laundry chute. If you don't, the law of physics causes
them to bounce off the washer and land behind the washer
or drying, and Mom is getting to old to crawl back there
and fish them out.

Clothes Hung Up -- Clean clothes can be easily removed
from the clothes bar by gently lifting up on the hanger and
pulling towards you. The clean item can now be removed
from the hanger for wearing. The wrong way to remove
clean clothes is to YANK on one corner of garment. This
causes the hanger to go flying around the clothes bar,
scratching the wall and becoming impossibly entangled with
the neighboring hangers.
Special note: This makes Mom want to choke children. So
far, she has been able to refrain from this action.

Dirty Clothes Rule -- If you have made the decision to put
something in the dirty clothes, do not later decide that you,
for some reason, now need to retrieve it by digging through
the clothes baskets, leaving behind a mess that looks like a
small tornado whipped through the laundry room, leaving a
scene of devastation in its wake.
Special note: The only thing worse than having to put stinking
clothes in the laundry baskets is having to do it over and over
and over.

Pockets -- Check your own pockets before you put dirty
items (again, make sure they are dirty first) in the laundry room.
Have you ever tried to pick tiny pieces of white paper off an
entire load of dark clothes? No? I thought not! But the next
time this occurs, you will have the pleasure of this experience.
Special note: In the future, all money found in pockets becomes
the property of the laundry-doer, and that most assuredly will
be Mom,  who hopes to be able to save up for a Caribbean
cruise, which she will go on alone. She has heard that you don't
have to do laundry while you are on a cruise!

Folded Clothes Rule -- When those clean clothes miraculously
appear on your bed or chair, graciously thank the saintly person
who lovingly placed them there and PUT THEM AWAY!
Special note: Failure to do this in the future will result in a
generous contribution to the Goodwill.

General Dirty Clothes Rule -- If they aren't dirty, why the
heck are they in the laundry room? Put them back in your
closet or drawers. When you decide to try something on
and decide that it will not make the fashion statement you
were looking for that particular day, think twice before you
make that conscious decision that it is easier to throw the
item in the dirty clothes rather than hanging it back up. 
Again, the Goodwill would love to have these items, as
their fashion standards must not be as high as yours.

Laundry Sharing -- In the future, each of you will be
required to do one load of laundry a week. Instructions
will be provided. Mom feels that the joy of this household
chore should be shared, and she has been very selfish
about this in the past. She also feels that this is a necessary
life skill, and without it, you may not ever want to leave
home. This would not be in the best interest of your parents.

Note - Rules may be added or modified at any time by Mom.

I, (sign your name) __________________________________
agree to abide by the above rules, as I actually have no choice
in the matter and do not wish to further anger my mother.

I decided to stop worrying about my teenage son's driving
and take advantage of it. I got one of those bumper stickers
that says "How's my driving?" And put a 900 number on it.
At 50 cents a call, I've been making $38 a week.

Rules To Love By...

* A hug everyday causes better bonding than words.

* Never humiliate your partner between friends, it can
become a habit and cause things to end sooner than you

* Watch how you treat your man/woman, it will be how 
they start to treat you in the end.

* When you say, "I Love you", mean it.

* When you say, "I'm sorry", look the person in the eye.

* Don't judge people by there relatives.

* Remember the three R's: Respect for self; Respect for
others Responsibility for all your actions.

* Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.

* Love does not need material things to hold things together,
it needs a hug, a kiss and tons of respect. Without these it
will never last.

* Men! If you want to know whether a woman would make
a good wife, then look to see if she makes a good house-wife.

* There are three steps in a relationship, 1-falling in love,
2-being in love, 3-loving unconditionally.

* If you find a good woman, marry her. Someone else might
be looking for her.

* If you find a good man, care for him. Many are hunting him

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Honk If You Love Rear End Collisions!

"Did you ever notice, if you put the two words 'THE'
and 'IRS' together it spells 'THEIRS'?"

Behind every great man is a great woman ...
and behind every great woman is some guy staring at her

from:  Bob

The most comprehensive humor archive.
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and over 200 full length PARODY SONGS
at the new, easy to remember name:

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Count Dracula

Count Dracula is on the pull in London. He spends the night drinking Bloody
Mary's in various clubs and biting on unsuspecting women's necks.  He is
heading for home, wandering along Argyle street sometime before sunrise.
Suddenly he is hit on the back of the head. He looks round and sees nothing.
He looks down and sees a small sausage roll. Mmmm, he thinks. What's going
on here.

A few yards further on and ... BANG. Smacked on the back of the head again!

He whirls round as quick as he can, nothing. Again he looks down and there
is a small triangular sandwich lying on the ground. How odd!!
A few yards further along the street and .... crash. Smacked on the back of
the head again!! He whirls round as quick as he can, nothing. He's getting
really angry now. Again he looks down and there is a cocktail sausage lying
on the ground. He stands and peers into the darkness of the night.  Nothing.

He walks a few yards further on when he gets a tap on the shoulder. With a
swirl of his cape and a cloud of mist he turns as fast as he can. He feels a

sharp pain in his heart. He falls to the ground clutching his chest, which
is punctured by a small cocktail stick laden with a chunk of cheese and a
pickle. On the ground dying, he looks up and sees a young female. With his
dying breath he gasps, who are you?
She replies [scroll down - it's great],

.You've guessed haven't you?

"Buffet, the vampire slayer."

& now your at the end of the letter, I hope that you enjoyed

The times on this one are 207 seconds for 28K modem,
123 seconds for 56k modem & 57 seconds for cable/dsl

thanks, David 1