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The News letter, 020328-2

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By the way, on some of the pictures, if you hover your pointer over the picture, ya might find a comment from me on it,
now that I've learned how to do that.

Now its time for the show to start & I think we'll start now!!!!

Courses For Women

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2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits
3. Parties: Going Without New Outfits
4. Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can Wait until After The Game
5. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet too
6. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His
7. Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, not the First
8. Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking
9. Communication Skills III: Getting What you Want Without Nagging
10. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire
11. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up
12. Introduction to Parking
13. Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space
14. Water Retention: Fact or Fat
15. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter
16. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not for Human Consumption
17. Cooking III: How not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People
18. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully
19. PMS: Your Problem . .. . Not His
20. Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To
21. Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have
22. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice
23. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together
24. Oil and Petrol: Your Car Needs Both (not just tissues and air fresheners)
25. TV Remotes: For Men Only
26. Getting ready to go out: Start the day before
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Lawyer humor

Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest

They had pictures of lawyers on them... and people couldn't figure
out which side to spit on.

How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future lawyer?

She has an uncontrollable craving for baloney.

How does an attorney sleep?

First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.

How many lawyer jokes are there?

Only three. The rest are true stories.

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

How many can you afford?

How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Three. One to climb the ladder. One to shake it. And one to sue
the ladder company.

If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could
only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?

What! do you call 25 skydiving lawyers?


What do you call a lawyer gone bad?


What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50?

Your Honor.

What do you throw to a drowning lawyer?

His partners.

What does a lawyer use for birth-control?

His personality.

What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer?

Nothing. There are some things a pig won't do.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?

The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.

Why does California have the most lawyers in the country and New
Jersey has the most toxic waste sites?

New Jersey got first choice.

4 Basic Management Lessons

Lesson Number One A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small
rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing
all day long?"

The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the
crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and
ate it. Management Lesson: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be
sitting very, very high up.

Lesson Number Two

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top
of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy." "Well, why
don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed
with Nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it
actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The
next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally
after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the Tree. Soon
he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Management Lesson: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you

Lesson Number Three

When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss. The brain said,
"I should be Boss because I control the whole body's responses and functions."
The feet said, "We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get him to
where he wants to go." The hands said, "We should be the Boss because we do
all the work and earn all the money." And so it went on and on with the heart,
the lungs and the eyes until finally the asshole spoke up.

All the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole being the Boss. So the
asshole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work. Within a short
time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart
and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered. Eventually they all decided
that the asshole should be the Boss, so the motion was passed. All the other
parts did all the work while the Boss just sat and passed out the shit!

Management Lesson: You don't need brains to be a Boss - any asshole will do.

Lesson Number Four

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird froze
and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came
by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of
cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing
him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A
passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the
sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly
dug him out and ate him!

Management Lesson:
1) Not everyone who drops shit on you is your enemy.
2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
3) And when you're in deep shit, keep your mouth shut!

This blonde goes into a restaurant and notices there's a peel
and win sticker on her coffee cup.  So, she peels it off and
starts screaming, "I've won a motor home! I've  won a motor

The waitress says, "That's impossible. The biggest prize is
a mini-van."

But the blonde keeps screaming, "I've won a motor home! I've
won a motor home. "

Finally, the manager comes over and says, "Ma'am, I'm sorry,
but you're mistaken. You couldn't possibly have won a motor
home, because we didn't have that as a prize!"

The blonde says, "No, it's not a mistake. I've won a motor

So, she hands the ticket to the manager and he reads . . .

........ WIN A BAGEL

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Now this feeling I know

"Bible Salesman"

This door-to-door entrepreneur became rather
bored with his job of selling Bibles, so he decided
to become a boss, hiring three people to sell Bibles
for him. He interviewed three people. The first came
in and said, "I want to sell Bibles for you."

"OK, you're hired. Here's your kit, go sell!"

The second came in and said, "I want to sell Bibles
for you."

"OK, you're hired! Here's your kit; go sell!"

The third came in and said, "I- i - I wa - wa- wa-want
t-t-t-t-to s-s-s-s-ell to sell, to sell, to sell, Bi - bi - bi -
Bibles, sell Bi -Bibles f-f-f-fo-for y-y-y-y you Bibles
for you!"

"No," shouted the man, "this will never work! You can't
sell Bibles for me!"

The applicant replied, "B-b-b-b-but I r-r-r-eall, but I really,
really, n-n-n-n-need th-th-th-this, really need tthis job!"

As there were no other applicants, he man said, "OK, I'll
give you one shot at this, but I expect you to PRODUCE!"

At the end of the day, the first applicant comes back and
reports, "I sold 8 Bibles today."

The second reports, "I sold 11 Bibles today."

The third worker reports, "To-to-to-to t-t-today, I-i-I so- so,
I so-, I so-, I so- I sold 28 Bi- bi- b- bibles!"

"Great," says the man. "However, I want you to sell a lot
more Bibles than that, so get out there tomorrow and

At the end of the second day, the first worker comes in and
reports, "Today, I sold 21 Bibles."

The second worker reports, "I sold 29 Bibles today."

The third worker reports, "To-to-to t-today, I-i-I so- so, I
so-, I sold 79 Bi-bi-bi- sold 79, sold 79 Bibles."

"Fantastic," said the man, "since you're doing so well,
so much better than these other two bums, why don't
you tell them what your sales technique is."

Replied the worker, "I-i-I j-j-j-j-ju-ju-ju-just wa, wa, wa,
just wal- wa- wa- walk, just walk up to up to up to just
walk up to them and and ask, them and ask, them and
ask if th-th-th-th ask if they w-w-w-w-w- wa- ask if they
want t-t-t-t-o-o- if they want to b--b-b-b-b if they want to
buy a Bi-bi - want to buy a Bi--b--a - a- abi - buy a to buy
a Bi-bi-bible, or d-d-d-d-d do th-th-they do they w-w-w-ant
me to READ it to 'em?"

2 beggars, INC.

Two beggars are sitting on a park bench in Mexico City. One is holding a
cross and one a Star of David. Both are holding hats to collect
contributions. People walk by, lift their noses at the man with the Star
of David, and drop money in the hat held by the man with the cross.
Soon the hat of the man with the cross is filled with money, and the hat
of the man with the star of David remains empty.

A priest watches and then approaches the men. He turns to the man with
the Star of David and says: "Young man. Don't you realize that this is a
Catholic country? You'll never get any contributions in this country
holding a Star of David."

The man with the Star of David turns to the man with the cross and says:
"Moishe, can you imagine, this guy is trying to tell us how to run our

Pope John Paul dies of old age and finds himself at the Gates of
Heaven at
0300.  He knocks on the gate and a very sleepy-eyed watchman opens
the gate
and asks, "Wadda ya want?"

"I'm the recently deceased Pope and have done 63 years of Godly work
thought I should check in here."

The watchman checks his clipboard and says, "I ain't got no orders
for you
here, just bring your stuff and we'll sort this all out in the

They go to an old World War II-style barracks, third floor, open
bay.  All
the bottom racks are taken and all empty lockers have no doors.  The
stows his gear under a rack and climbs into an upper bunk.

The next morning he awakens to sounds of cheering and clapping.  He
gets up
and goes to a window and sees a flashy Jaguar convertible parading
down the
clouds from the golden headquarters building.  The cloudwalks are
lined with
saints and angels cheering and tossing confetti.  In the back seat
sits a
navy Chief, his enlisted Surface Warfare pin glistening on his chest,
cigar in his mouth, a bottle of San Miguel in one hand, and his other
around a voluptuous blonde angel with magnificent halos.

This disturbs the Pope and he runs downstairs to the Master-At-Arms
and says, "Hey, what gives?  You put me, the Pope, with 63 years of
deeds in an open bay barracks while this Chief, who must have
every sin known and unknown to man is staying in a mansion on the
hill and
getting a her's welcome.  How can that be?"

The Master-At-Arms calmly looks up and says, "We get a Pope up here
every 20
or 30 years, but we've never had a Navy Chief before."

Selma and Irving receive an invitation in the mail.
Since it was many years since they were invited
anywhere, they read it with glee, very excited that
they were asked to attend a wedding.

All was fine until they reached the last line.
Confused, Irving asks Selma, "Selma, vat does this
"RSVP" mean?"

Selma was at a loss, as for the life of her, she
simply couldn't remember. Finally, she cries out:
"Vait! I remember! I remember! RSVP!! It means
"Remember, Send Vedding Present!"

Before performing a baptism, the priest approached the young father
said solemnly, "Baptism is a serious step.
Are you prepared for it?"
"I think so," the man replied. "My wife has made appetizers and we
have a
caterer coming to provide plenty of cookies and cakes for all of our
"I don't mean that," the priest responded. "I mean, are you prepared
"Oh, sure," came the reply. "I've got a keg of beer and a case of

A professor was one day walking along a very narrow street when he
came face
to face with a rival. The street was too narrow for two to pass. The
pulling himself up to his full height, said haughtily: "I never make
way for
fools "

Smiling, the professor  stepped aside and said :" I always do. "

Dating  Chips

It was the wise custom at the retirement home to pair
the old couples, and then send them out for dinner and
a movie, or other entertainment. This one night, John
who was 84, was paired with Jill who was 86.

A few hours later, Jill returned to the Home and was
she angry!

"What happened that you should be so upset, Jill?",
the attendant asked her.

"Coming back with that silly old man John, I had to
slap him three times while we were riding back in the

"Oh that's terrible...and at his age too. John ought
to be ashamed of himself, making passes at you."

"Passes???", Jill said, "he didn't make passes. I had
to slap him three times to see if he was asleep or


1)  Don't put all of your eggs in one basket
2)  Walk softly and carry a big carrot
3)  Everyone needs a friend who is all ears
4)  There's no such thing as too much candy
5)  All work and no play can make you a basket case
6)  A cute little tail attracts a lot of attention
7)  Everyone is entitled to a bad hare day
8)  Let happy thoughts multiply like rabbits
9)  Keep your paws off other people's jellybeans
10) Good things come in small sugarcoated packages
11) The grass is always greener in someone else's basket
12) To show your true colors you have to come out of your shell
13) The best things in life are still sweet and gooey

The third child

Your Clothes

1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon
as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.

2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as

3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular



Preparing for the Birth

1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.

2nd baby: You don't bother practicing because you
remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing.

3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your 8th month.



The Layette

1st baby: You pre-wash your newborn's clothes,
color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the
baby's little bureau.

2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are
clean and discard only the ones with the darkest

3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?




1st baby: At the first sign of distress--a whimper, a
frown--you pick up the baby.

2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten
to wake your firstborn.

3rd baby: You teach your 3-year-old how to rewind the
mechanical swing.




1st baby: If the pacifier falls on the floor, you put
it away until you can go home and wash and boil it.

2nd baby: When the pacifier falls on the floor, you
squirt it off with some juice from the baby's bottle.

3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it
back in.




1st baby: You change your baby's diapers every hour,
whether they need it or not.

2nd baby: You change their diaper every 2 to 3 hours,
if needed.

3rd baby: You try to change their diaper before others
start to complain about the smell or you see it
sagging to their knees.




1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics,
Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.

2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.

3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and
the dry cleaner.



Going Out

1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a
sitter, you call home

5 times.

2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you
remember to leave a number where you can be reached.

3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to
call only if she sees blood.



At Home

1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just
gazing at the baby.

2nd baby: You spend a bit of every day watching to be
sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or
hitting the baby.

3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding
from the children.

Pass this on to everyone you know who has
children...or everyone who KNOWS someone who has had
children... or anyone who has ever been a child

A drunk woman has been accused of assaulting a Canadian
policeman with her jeans.

She was arrested by Ontario Provincial Police after flagging
them down and demanding they find her shoes. She then
allegedly took off her pants and whipped an officer round
the head with them after being taken to a police station.

Reports say he was not seriously injured, apart from a red
mark on his forehead.

The 30-year-old woman  has been charged with causing a

Constable Bob Neely said there were 48 assaults last year
against officers in Sioux Lookout, which has a population
of about 5,200. This was the first one using a pair of clothing.

& now your at the end of the letter, I hope that you enjoyed

The times on this one are 182 seconds for 28K modem,
108 seconds for 56k modem & 50 seconds for cable/dsl

thanks, David 1