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By the way, on some of the pictures, if you hover your pointer over the picture, ya might find a comment from me on it, now that I've learned how to do that.
Now its time for the show to start & I think we'll start now!!!!
Courses For Women
Women think they already know everything, but wait,
training courses are now available for women on the following subjects: 1.
Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before 2. The
Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits 3. Parties: Going Without New
Outfits 4. Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can Wait until After The
Game 5. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet too
6. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His 7. Communication Skills I:
Tears - The Last Resort, not the First 8. Communication Skills II: Thinking
Before Speaking 9. Communication Skills III: Getting What you Want Without
Nagging 10. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire 11. Telephone
Skills: How to Hang Up 12. Introduction to Parking 13. Advanced Parking:
Backing Into a Space 14. Water Retention: Fact or Fat 15. Cooking I:
Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter 16. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not
for Human Consumption 17. Cooking III: How not to Inflict Your Diets on
Other People 18. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully 19. PMS: Your
Problem . .. . Not His 20. Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To 21. Classic
Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have 22. Household Dust: A Harmless
Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice 23. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing
It All Together 24. Oil and Petrol: Your Car Needs Both (not just tissues
and air fresheners) 25. TV Remotes: For Men Only 26. Getting ready to go
out: Start the day before Please register immediately as courses are in
Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?
They had pictures of lawyers on them... and people couldn't figure
out which side to spit on.
How can a pregnant woman tell that
she's carrying a future lawyer?
She has an uncontrollable craving for
How does an attorney sleep?
First he lies on one
side, then he lies on the other.
How many lawyer jokes are there?
Only three. The rest are true stories.
How many lawyers does
it take to change a light bulb?
How many can you afford?
many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three. One to climb
the ladder. One to shake it. And one to sue the ladder company.
If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could
only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?
What! do you call 25 skydiving lawyers?
What do you call a lawyer gone bad?
What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50?
What do you throw to a drowning lawyer?
What does a lawyer use for birth-control?
What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer?
There are some things a pig won't do.
What's the difference between
a lawyer and a vulture?
The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.
Why does California have the most lawyers in the country and New
Jersey has the most toxic waste sites?
New Jersey got first choice.
4 Basic Management Lessons
Lesson Number One A crow was sitting on a
tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him,
"Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?"
answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow,
and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate
it. Management Lesson: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting
very, very high up.
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to
get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the
energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the
bull. "They're packed with Nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung
and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first
branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached
the second branch. Finally after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched
at the top of the Tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot
the turkey out of the tree.
Management Lesson: Bullshit might get you to
the top, but it won't keep you there.
When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be
Boss. The brain said, "I should be Boss because I control the whole body's
responses and functions." The feet said, "We should be Boss as we carry the
brain about and get him to where he wants to go." The hands said, "We should
be the Boss because we do all the work and earn all the money." And so it
went on and on with the heart, the lungs and the eyes until finally the
asshole spoke up.
All the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole being
the Boss. So the asshole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to
work. Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the
feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered.
Eventually they all decided that the asshole should be the Boss, so the
motion was passed. All the other parts did all the work while the Boss just
sat and passed out the shit!
Management Lesson: You don't need brains to
be a Boss - any asshole will do.
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so
cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was
lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird
lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The
dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon
began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to
investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile
of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him!
1) Not everyone who drops shit on you is your enemy. 2) Not everyone who
gets you out of shit is your friend. 3) And when you're in deep shit, keep
your mouth shut!
This blonde goes into a restaurant and notices
there's a peel and win sticker on her coffee cup. So, she peels it off
and starts screaming, "I've won a motor home! I've won a
The waitress says, "That's impossible. The biggest prize
is a mini-van."
But the blonde keeps screaming, "I've won a motor
home! I've won a motor home. "
Finally, the manager comes over and
says, "Ma'am, I'm sorry, but you're mistaken. You couldn't possibly have won
a motor home, because we didn't have that as a prize!"
says, "No, it's not a mistake. I've won a motor home!"
So, she hands
the ticket to the manager and he reads . . .
This door-to-door entrepreneur became
rather bored with his job of selling Bibles, so he decided to become a
boss, hiring three people to sell Bibles for him. He interviewed three
people. The first came in and said, "I want to sell Bibles for
"OK, you're hired. Here's your kit, go sell!"
came in and said, "I want to sell Bibles for you."
"OK, you're hired!
Here's your kit; go sell!"
The third came in and said, "I- i - I wa - wa-
wa-want t-t-t-t-to s-s-s-s-ell to sell, to sell, to sell, Bi - bi - bi
- Bibles, sell Bi -Bibles f-f-f-fo-for y-y-y-y you Bibles for
"No," shouted the man, "this will never work! You can't sell
Bibles for me!"
The applicant replied, "B-b-b-b-but I r-r-r-eall, but I
really, really, n-n-n-n-need th-th-th-this, really need tthis job!"
there were no other applicants, he man said, "OK, I'll give you one shot at
this, but I expect you to PRODUCE!"
At the end of the day, the first
applicant comes back and reports, "I sold 8 Bibles today."
reports, "I sold 11 Bibles today."
The third worker reports, "To-to-to-to
t-t-today, I-i-I so- so, I so-, I so-, I so- I sold 28 Bi- bi- b-
"Great," says the man. "However, I want you to sell a
lot more Bibles than that, so get out there tomorrow and MAKE ME SOME
At the end of the second day, the first worker comes in
and reports, "Today, I sold 21 Bibles."
The second worker reports, "I
sold 29 Bibles today."
The third worker reports, "To-to-to t-today, I-i-I
so- so, I so-, I sold 79 Bi-bi-bi- sold 79, sold 79
"Fantastic," said the man, "since you're doing so well, so
much better than these other two bums, why don't you tell them what your
sales technique is."
Replied the worker, "I-i-I j-j-j-j-ju-ju-ju-just wa,
wa, wa, just wal- wa- wa- walk, just walk up to up to up to just walk up
to them and and ask, them and ask, them and ask if th-th-th-th ask if they
w-w-w-w-w- wa- ask if they want t-t-t-t-o-o- if they want to b--b-b-b-b if
they want to buy a Bi-bi - want to buy a Bi--b--a - a- abi - buy a to
buy a Bi-bi-bible, or d-d-d-d-d do th-th-they do they w-w-w-ant me to READ
it to 'em?"
2 beggars, INC.
Two beggars are sitting on a park bench in Mexico City. One is holding
a cross and one a Star of David. Both are holding hats to
collect contributions. People walk by, lift their noses at the man with the
Star of David, and drop money in the hat held by the man with the cross.
Soon the hat of the man with the cross is filled with money, and the hat
of the man with the star of David remains empty.
A priest watches and
then approaches the men. He turns to the man with the Star of David and says:
"Young man. Don't you realize that this is a Catholic country? You'll never
get any contributions in this country holding a Star of David."
man with the Star of David turns to the man with the cross and says: "Moishe,
can you imagine, this guy is trying to tell us how to run our business?"
Pope John Paul dies of old age and finds himself at the Gates of Heaven
at 0300. He knocks on the gate and a very sleepy-eyed watchman opens the
gate and asks, "Wadda ya want?"
"I'm the recently deceased Pope and
have done 63 years of Godly work and thought I should check in
The watchman checks his clipboard and says, "I ain't got no orders
for you here, just bring your stuff and we'll sort this all out in the
They go to an old World War II-style barracks, third floor,
open bay. All the bottom racks are taken and all empty lockers have no
doors. The Pope stows his gear under a rack and climbs into an upper
The next morning he awakens to sounds of cheering and clapping. He
gets up and goes to a window and sees a flashy Jaguar convertible
parading down the clouds from the golden headquarters building. The
cloudwalks are lined with saints and angels cheering and tossing
confetti. In the back seat sits a navy Chief, his enlisted Surface
Warfare pin glistening on his chest, a cigar in his mouth, a bottle of
San Miguel in one hand, and his other arm around a voluptuous blonde
angel with magnificent halos.
This disturbs the Pope and he runs
downstairs to the Master-At-Arms shack and says, "Hey, what gives? You
put me, the Pope, with 63 years of Godly deeds in an open bay barracks
while this Chief, who must have committed every sin known and unknown to
man is staying in a mansion on the hill and getting a her's welcome. How
can that be?"
The Master-At-Arms calmly looks up and says, "We get a Pope
up here every 20 or 30 years, but we've never had a Navy Chief before."
Selma and Irving receive an invitation in the mail. Since it was many years
since they were invited anywhere, they read it with glee, very excited
that they were asked to attend a wedding.
All was fine until they
reached the last line. Confused, Irving asks Selma, "Selma, vat does
this "RSVP" mean?"
Selma was at a loss, as for the life of her,
she simply couldn't remember. Finally, she cries out: "Vait! I remember! I
remember! RSVP!! It means "Remember, Send Vedding Present!"
Before performing a baptism, the priest approached the young father
and said solemnly, "Baptism is a serious step. Are you prepared for
it?" "I think so," the man replied. "My wife has made appetizers and we
have a caterer coming to provide plenty of cookies and cakes for all of
our guests." "I don't mean that," the priest responded. "I mean, are you
prepared spiritually?" "Oh, sure," came the reply. "I've got a keg of beer
and a case of whiskey."
A professor was one day walking along a very narrow street when he came
face to face with a rival. The street was too narrow for two to pass. The
rival, pulling himself up to his full height, said haughtily: "I never
make way for fools "
Smiling, the professor stepped aside and
said :" I always do. "
Dating Chips ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It was the wise custom
at the retirement home to pair the old couples, and then send them out for
dinner and a movie, or other entertainment. This one night, John who was
84, was paired with Jill who was 86.
A few hours later, Jill returned to
the Home and was she angry!
"What happened that you should be so
upset, Jill?", the attendant asked her.
"Coming back with that silly
old man John, I had to slap him three times while we were riding back in
"Oh that's terrible...and at his age too. John ought to
be ashamed of himself, making passes at you."
"Passes???", Jill said, "he
didn't make passes. I had to slap him three times to see if he was asleep
ALL I NEED TO KNOW ABOUT LIFE I LEARNED FROM THE EASTER BUNNY
Don't put all of your eggs in one basket 2) Walk softly and carry a big
carrot 3) Everyone needs a friend who is all ears 4) There's no such
thing as too much candy 5) All work and no play can make you a basket
case 6) A cute little tail attracts a lot of attention 7) Everyone is
entitled to a bad hare day 8) Let happy thoughts multiply like
rabbits 9) Keep your paws off other people's jellybeans 10) Good things
come in small sugarcoated packages 11) The grass is always greener in someone
else's basket 12) To show your true colors you have to come out of your
shell 13) The best things in life are still sweet and gooey
The third child
1st baby: You begin wearing
maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.
baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
Your maternity clothes ARE your
Preparing for the Birth
baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
2nd baby: You don't bother
practicing because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a
3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your 8th
1st baby: You pre-wash your
newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in
the baby's little bureau.
2nd baby: You check to make sure that the
clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the
3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't
1st baby: At the first sign of
distress--a whimper, a frown--you pick up the baby.
2nd baby: You pick
the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.
You teach your 3-year-old how to rewind the mechanical
1st baby: If the pacifier falls
on the floor, you put it away until you can go home and wash and boil
2nd baby: When the pacifier falls on the floor, you squirt it off
with some juice from the baby's bottle.
3rd baby: You wipe it off on your
shirt and pop it back in.
You change your baby's diapers every hour, whether they need it or
2nd baby: You change their diaper every 2 to 3 hours, if
3rd baby: You try to change their diaper before others start
to complain about the smell or you see it sagging to their
1st baby: You take your infant
to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.
2nd baby: You
take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
3rd baby: You take your infant to
the supermarket and the dry cleaner.
1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you
2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door,
you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.
3rd baby: You
leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees
1st baby: You spend a good bit of
every day just gazing at the baby.
2nd baby: You spend a bit of every
day watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking,
or hitting the baby.
3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day
hiding from the children.
Pass this on to everyone you know who
has children...or everyone who KNOWS someone who has had children... or
anyone who has ever been a child themselves!
A drunk woman has been accused of assaulting a Canadian policeman with her
She was arrested by Ontario Provincial Police after flagging
them down and demanding they find her shoes. She then allegedly took off
her pants and whipped an officer round the head with them after being taken
to a police station.
Reports say he was not seriously injured, apart from
a red mark on his forehead.
The 30-year-old woman has been charged
with causing a disturbance.
Constable Bob Neely said there were 48
assaults last year against officers in Sioux Lookout, which has a population
of about 5,200. This was the first one using a pair of clothing.
& now your at the end of the letter, I hope that you enjoyed
The times on this one are 182 seconds for 28K modem,
108 seconds for 56k modem & 50 seconds for cable/dsl