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The News letter, 020328-1








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By the way, on some of the pictures, if you hover your pointer over the picture, ya might find a comment from me on it,
now that I've learned how to do that.



Now its time for the show to start & I think we'll start now!!!!





A young naval student was being put through the paces by an
old sea captain. "What would you do if a sudden storm sprang
up on the starboard?"

"Throw out an anchor, sir."

"What would you do if another storm sprang up aft?"

"Throw out another anchor, sir."

"And if another terrific storm sprang up forward, what would
you do?"

"Throw out another anchor."

"Hold on," said the Captain, "where are you getting all your
anchors from?"

" From the same place you're getting your storms, sir."


Somebody is in trouble



BREE'S BALDERDASH


                            SPECIAL DELIVERY

                                  Anonymous

Sally jumped up as soon as she saw the surgeon come out
of the operating room. She said: "How is my little boy? Is he
going to be OK, when can I see him?"

The Surgeon said: "I'm sorry, we did all we could."

Sally said, "Why do little children get cancer, doesn't GOD
care any more? GOD, where were you when my son needed you?"

The Surgeon said, "One of the nurses will be out in a few minutes
to let you spend time with your son's remains before they are
transported to the university."

Sally asked the nurse to stay with her while she said good-bye
to her son. She ran her fingers through his thick red curly hair.
The nurse said: "Would you like a lock of his hair?" Sally nodded
yes. The nurse cut a lock of his hair and put it in a plastic bag and
handed it to her.

Sally said, "It was Jimmy's idea to give his body to the university
for study. He said it might help somebody else, and that is what
he wanted. I said no at first, but Jimmy said," Mom I won't be using
it after I die, maybe it will help some other little boy to be able
to
spend one more day with his mother." Sally told the nurse, "My
Jimmy had a heart of gold, always thinking of someone else and
always wanting to help others if he could."

Sally walked out of the Children's Hospital for the last time now
after spending most of the last 6 months there. She set the bag
with Jimmy's things in it on the seat beside her in the car. The
drive home was hard and it was even harder to go into an empty
house. She took the bag to Jimmy's room and started placing the
model cars and things back in his room exactly where he had
always kept them.

She laid down across his bed and cried herself to sleep holding
his pillow. Sally woke up about midnight and laying beside her
on the bed, was a letter folded up. She opened the letter, it
said.....

"Dear Mom I know you're going to miss me, but don't think that I will
ever forget you or stop loving you because I'm not around to say
I LOVE YOU. I'll think of you every day, Mom, and I'll love you even
more each day. Some day we will see each other again. If you want
to adopt a little boy so you won't be so lonely, he can have my room
and my old stuff to play with. If you decide to get a girl instead,
she
probably wouldn't like the same things as us boys do, so you will
have to buy her dolls and stuff girls like."

"Don't be sad when you think about me, this is really a great place.
Grandma and Grandpa met me as soon as I got here and showed
me around some, but it will take a long time to see everything here.
The angels are so friendly, I love to watch them fly. Jesus doesn't
look like any of the pictures I ever saw of him, but I knew it was
him
as soon as I saw him. Jesus took me to see GOD! And guess what ,
Mom? I got to sit on GOD'S knee and talk to him like I was somebody
important. I told GOD that I wanted to write you a letter and tell
you
good-bye and everything, but I knew that wasn't allowed. But then God
smiled and handed me some paper and his own personal pen to write
you this letter with. I think Gabriel is the name of the angel that
is
going
to drop this letter off to you.

God said for me to give you the answer to one of the questions you
asked him about---Where was he when I needed him? God said--
The same place he was when Jesus was on the cross. Which was
right there, as he always is with all his children.

Oh, by the way Mom, nobody else can see what is written on this
paper but you; to everyone else it looks like a blank piece of paper.
I have to give God his pen back now, he has some more names to
write in the Book Of Life. Tonight I get to sit at the table with
Jesus
for supper. I'm sure the food will be great. I almost forgot to let
you
know-----Now I don't hurt anymore, the cancer is all gone. I'm glad
because I couldn't stand that pain anymore and God couldn't stand
to see me suffer the pain either, so he sent The Angel of Mercy to
get me. The Angel said I was Special Delivery!"





"Love is something eternal; the aspect may change,
                               but not the essence."

                             --Vincent Van Gogh--





A "CAT" ASTROPHE

Cats and alarm systems do not mix. The humans acquired
an alarm system with the house they bought me years ago.
They had no problems with the alarm, as the detectors were
cat-sensitive. That is, the motion sensors are aimed higher
than normal to allow us cats the freedom to roam the territory
without tripping any alarms. It worked well enough, until the
Big Owner started his weekend painting project in the Great
Room. All was going smoothly as he painted the walls.
(I watched the paint dry and actually enjoyed it. Humans are
too busy to appreciate this simple pleasure.) Then he moved
to work on the ceiling, and brought in a ladder. There's the
problem. He never put the ladder away. While the Big Owner
departed for the day, I high-tailed it for my favorite toy: The
ladder.
Not that it mattered, but no one told me the alarm had been
set! No sooner had I climbed to the uppermost rung than a
shrill alarm blasted through my home! It blew me off the top
of the ladder, piercing my super sensitive kitty ears. I fell to the
floor (still landing on my feet, thank you) and retreated to a
neutral
corner. It would not stop. The telephone rang. No human around
to answer. And I am NOT coming out from behind the furniture!
About 15 minutes past, the Big Owner stepped back into my home
(Thank goodness he was close!) and neutralized the alarm. He
stopped to talk to someone at the door. I sneaked a peek, and ...
my goodness! What a sight! ... There were so many police cars
you would think I had just opened a donut shop! Seems the Big
Owner had some explaining to do. No one could figure out what
happened until I sauntered in to the room. The cops immediately
put two and two together and got four ... four paws. No harm, no
foul.
That's enough excitement for one day. But next time, said the officer,
the Big Owner must reimburse the cops for their time. I'll save that
for a special pay back. It was a good day.

Copyright 2001, Mark Mason

You can subscribe to Mark's delightful and entertaining ezine
by clicking here: catdiary-subscribe@topica.com
Visit Mark's website at www.catdiary.com





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A KITCHEN TIP OR TWO.....

If you wish to use fresh herbs in a recipe that calls for
dried ones, simply use 3 teaspoons of fresh for every
one teaspoon of dried in the recipe.

Clams, crabs, oysters, scallops, and shrimp each has
its own cooking time. One rule of thumb prevails for them
all; shellfish should be cooked quickly to preserve the sweet,
delicate flavors.

For juicy BBQ spareribs, it is best to precook them a bit to
get rid of some of the fat. You can simmer them in water or
bake on a rack in the oven for a few minutes.





QUIRKY QUESTIONS PEOPLE ASK LIBRARIANS.....

"Do you have a list of all the books written in the
English language?"

"Do you have a list of all the books I've ever read?"

"Which outlets in the library are appropriate for my hairdryer?"

"Can you tell me why so many famous Civil War battles were
fought on National Park Sites?" (DUH!!)

"Do you have any books with photographs of dinosaurs?"

"Why don't you have any books by Ibid? He's written a lot
of important stuff." (I will be back with you after I stop rolling
on the floor at that one!!)

"I'm looking for information on carpal tunnel syndrome. I think
I'm having trouble with it in my neck."

"Is the basement upstairs?" (Asked at First Floor Reference Desk)





YOU MIGHT BE A TEACHER IF.....

You want to slap the next person who says "Must be nice
to work 8 to 3:30 and have summers free."

You can tell if it's a full moon without ever looking outside.

You believe "Shallow gene pool" should have its own box
on the report card.

When you mention "Vegetables" you're not talking about
a food group.

You think people should be required to get a government
permit before being allowed to reproduce.

You smile weakly, and want to choke a person when he
or she says "Oh, you must have such FUN every day.
This must be like playtime for you."

You believe the staff room should be equipped with a
Valium salt lick.





MACARONI

Legend has it that upon being served a dish of this food,
an early Italian sovereign exclaimed "Ma caroni! " meaning
"how very dear." This semolina-and-water pasta does not
traditionally contain eggs. Most macaronis are tube-shape,
but there are other forms including shells, twists and ribbons.
Among the best-known tube shapes are: elbow, ditalini, penne,
mostaccioli, rigatoni and ziti (long thin tubes). Most macaronis
almost double in size during cooking. The Italian spelling of the
word is maccheroni .





ZITI ITALIANO

2 tbsp olive or vegetable oil
2 tbsp butter or margarine
1/2 cup finely chopped onion
1/2 cup finely chopped celery
1 medium green pepper, finely chopped
1 clove garlic, minced
1/4 cup chopped stuffed green olives
1/4 cup chopped fresh parsley
1 1/2 cups (14 ounce jar) spaghetti sauce
3 cups (8 ounces) ziti, uncooked
1/2 cup (2 ounces) shredded cheddar cheese

In large saucepan, heat oil and butter; add onion, celery,
green pepper and garlic. Cook until tender but not brown. Add
olives, parsley and sauce; simmer 10 minutes. Meanwhile, cook
pasta according to package directions; drain. Toss pasta with
sauce. Sprinkle with cheddar cheese. Makes 4 servings.





OUT OF THE MOUTHS OF BABES....

"Doctors automatically know what's wrong with you.
They have a sick sense." - Beau M., age 10

"My dog had worms. I think he was going fishing."
- Emma B., age 4

"Wear a hat when feeding seagulls."--Rocky, Age 9

"Beware of cafeteria food when it looks like it's moving."
--Rob, Age 10

"Syntax is all the money collected in church from sinners."
--Todd, Age 6
"Iron was discovered because somebody smelt it."
-- Debi, Age 10

A student was asked to list the 10 Commandments in any order.
His answer?.......... "3, 6, 1, 8, 4, 5, 9, 2, 10, 7"





A MOTHER'S DICTIONARY.....

Defense.......what you'd better have around de yard if you're
going to let de children play outside

Drooling........how teething babies wash their chins

Dumbwaiter......one who asks if the kids would care to order dessert

Feedback.......the inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate
the strained carrots

Hearsay.....what toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word

Impregnable......a woman whose memory of labor is still vivid

Look Out!.......what it's too late for your child to do by the time
you scream it

Show Off.....a child who is more talented than yours

Sterilize.....what you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling
it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.

Whoops.....an exclamation that translates roughly into
"get a sponge."





LIVE AND LEARN.....

A freshmen at Eagle Rock Junior High Won first prize at the
Greater Idaho Falls science fair. He was attempting to show
how conditioned we have become to alarmists practicing junk
science and spreading fear of everything in our environment.
In his project he urged people to sign a petition demanding
strict control or total elimination of the chemical "dihydrogen
monoxide" and for plenty of good reasons since:

1.) It can cause excessive sweating and vomiting
2.) It is a major component in acid rain
3.) It can cause severe burns in it's gaseous state
4.) Accidental inhalation can kill you
5.) It decreases effectiveness of automobile brakes
6.) It contributes to erosion
7.) It has been found in tumors of terminal cancer patients

50 people were asked to sign. 46 people signed to ban it.
3 were undecided and only one person realized dihydrogen
monoxide is.......water.


Word for blondes & Susan <LOL>



DIABETIC DELIGHTS.....

BAKED MUSHROOM RICE

1/4 cup butter or margarine -- melted
1 cup long-grain white rice -- uncooked
1 can (10 1/2 oz) condensed chicken broth -- undiluted
1 can (10 1/2 oz) condensed onion soup -- undiluted
2 1/2 ounces sliced mushrooms -- jarred, drained

Combine all ingredients in an ungreased 2-quart baking dish.
Cover and bake at 350 degrees for 1 hour. Yield: 4 servings.

Nutritional Information Per Serving: Calories 332;
14g Fat 9g Protein; 43g Carbohydrate; 32mg Cholesterol;
1226mg Sodium.
Exchanges: 2 1/2 Grain(Starch); 1/2 Lean Meat; 1 Vegetable;
2 1/2 Fat.





Papa dog's advice to his son....

If you have to go to the bathroom while playing in the
front yard, always use the newspaper that's placed in
the driveway every morning just for that purpose.

Always take a BIG drink from your water dish just before
licking your human. Humans prefer clean tongues. Be
ready to fetch your human a towel though.

Rather than digging a BIG hole in the middle of the yard
and upsetting your human, dig a lot of smaller holes all
over the yard so they won't notice. If you arrange a little
pile of dirt on one side of each hole, they will think a
gopher did it.

It is perfectly permissible to lie on the new couch as
soon as your humans go to bed.

Housebreaking is very important to humans. They are
always talking about it, so break as much of the house
as possible to keep them happy.

When chasing cats, never quite catch them. It spoils all your
fun and it hurts like the dickens!





The little boy greeted his grandmother with a hug and said,
"I'm so happy to see you grandma. Now maybe daddy will
do the trick he has been promising us."
The grandmother was curious. "What trick is that my dear,"
she asked.
The little boy replied, "I heard daddy tell mommy that he would
climb the walls if you came to visit us again."


WAAAAAAAY past the flusterated stage of this game


MICRO MERINGUES (Debby Style)

1 egg white
1/2 tsp vanilla essence
1 cup (250 g) confectioner's sugar
1 tbsp hot water (optional)
1-2 tbsp vinegar if baking instead of using microwave

Place sugar and egg white in a bowl. Add vanilla and tablespoon
hot water. Should become a thick paste, ( a bit like fondant icing)
so you can roll into little balls.

Place by half teaspoonfuls or the little balls onto wax paper, bake
6 at a time in circular pattern, on high for 1 1/2 - 2 minutes,
depending on your microwave. With this recipe, I tend to place
6 at a time on dinner plates covered with sheets of kitchen towel,
but be warned the plates get hot. My microwave is 900 watt so I
tend to cook these for about 1.20 minutes. Experiment.
Makes 65 - 70 meringues.

~~~~~~~

To bake in the oven, use the same ingredients and add 2 tsp
baking powder. Add the vinegar in the recipe.

Beat all ingredients together, then add 2 level teaspoons baking
powder. Beat for 7 seconds. Drop by the teaspoonful onto a greased
flat cookie sheet. Cook for 20 minutes at 400 deg F(200 degrees C)
Turn off oven and leave overnight. Do not open the oven door, or
these won't come out as well.

The recipe today comes from a reader in Karibe, Zimbabwe.
She was good enough to do all the conversions from metric
to standard for me so I hope I do it justice here. Thanks, Debbie!!





I had purchased a talking metronome while I was attending
a conference in New York for music teachers. Before my son
and I boarded our flight home, I hefted my carry-on bag onto
the security-check conveyor belt. The guard's eyes widened
as he watched the monitor. He asked what I had in the bag,
then slowly pulled out the six-by-three-inch black box covered
with dials and switches. Other travelers, sensing trouble,
vacated the area.

"A metronome," I replied weakly, as my son cringed in
embarrassment. "It's a talking metronome," I insisted.
"Look, I'll show you." I took the box and flipped a switch,
realizing that I had no idea how it worked, "One... two...
three... four," it said. Everyone breathed a sigh of relief.

As we gathered our belongings, my son whispered,
"Aren't you glad it didn't go 'four... three... two... one...?'"





"It's not what you are that holds you back,
                     it's what you think you are not."

                            -- Denis Waitley--





& now your at the end of the letter, I hope that you enjoyed

The times on this one are 241 seconds for 28K modem,
143 seconds for 56k modem & 66 seconds for cable/dsl

thanks, David 1