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The News letter, 020324








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By the way, on some of the pictures, if you hover your pointer over the picture, ya might find a comment from me on it,
now that I've learned how to do that.



Now its time for the show to start & I think we'll start now!!!!





Did Ya' Know: 020324
------------------------------------
There are about 2 million sweat glands in the average
human body.  The average adult loses 540 calories with
every liter of sweat.  Men sweat about 40% more than women.

Adult electric eels 5ft to 7ft long produce enough electricity
-- 600 volts -- to stun a horse.

A large Caribbean parrot fish excretes a ton of sand a year. 
Using two oversized front teeth, it nibbles on seagrass and
scrapes algae. Another set of teeth in its throat grinds up
the coral it ingests.

*grin* It makes people wonder!
~AIKEN~


Hey Susan, Is this a 
Great idea or what ? ?



Today's thought is:
To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance.
--Oscar Wilde

Most of us complicate the decision to love ourselves by seeing our
human imperfections as reasons for harsh judgment.  Perhaps this
became a pattern for us as children.  But we don't have to let our
feelings then control our decision to love and nurture ourselves
now.

The small child within each of us is profoundly in need of
unconditional love.  Expressing love and nurturing ourselves
through affirmations, prayer, and meditation will break the control
our earlier thoughts had over us.

It may seem too simple to think that all we need is to decide to
love ourselves.  But that's our task, one we may need to do daily
for weeks or months.  With faith and perseverance, we will see the
results we hope for.

I will love all of me today.  Even the not-so-perfect parts.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Today's meditation comes from the book
In God's Care by Karen Casey copyright 1991
available through our online bookstore at:
http://www.hazeldenbookplace.org/store/product.asp?sku=5124


The wife had a birthday and her husband wanted to know what she
desired.

She said she'd like to have a Jaguar.

He didn't think it was best for her.

But, she begged and begged until he gave in and got her one.

It ate her.


I've heard of picking your nose
but man this guy really does it



Brendan Behan, late Irish author, was the soul of courtesy, but there were
times when he could give back as good as he got.

Brendan and a friend were emerging from the Long Hall in
Dublin during the Christmas season, and Brendan had the
misfortune to bump into a lady laden with parcels, the result
being to scatter her parcels all over the pavement.  Brendan
promptly stooped to recover them from among the feet of the
passers-by and restore them to her arms, but her ladyship's
temper was not satisfied.

"I'd have you know," she declared angrily, "that my husband's
a detective, and, if he was here, he'd take ye!"

This was too much for Brendan, who after all had done his
best.  "Ma'am," said he, "I don't doubt it for a second.  If
he took you, he'd take anything."





An Acquaintance of mine whose daughter was about to be mar-
ried decided to give her a diamond ring that had been in
the family for several generations. The stone had never been
appraised, so the father asked a gemologist friend if she
would take a look at it. She agreed, but said that instead
of a fee she'd accept lunch at one of Houston's finer rest-
aurants.

A few days later, as he and the gem expert sat sipping a
glass of Chablis, he showed her the ring. She took out her
jeweler's loupe, examined the diamond carefully and handed
it back.

"Wow," said a diner who had been watching from the next
table. "These Texas women are tough!"





An old man and a teenager were riding down the road, when the old man
pulled over and told the teenager to drive. The teenager pulled out
into traffic smoking the tires. after the teen came to a stop, he
looked at the old man and asked " Do you smell that CRAP!" and the old
man replied "
I aught to, I'M SITTING IN IT!"


another I know that feeling



   Subject: How well does cold water clean?
  
   A man went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in
  
   a very secluded, rural area of the state he lived in.
  
   After spending the night, his grandfather prepared
  
   breakfast for him consisting of eggs and bacon.
  
   He noticed a film like substance on his plate and
  
   he questioned his grandfather.......are these plates
  
   clean?
  
   His grandfather replied....those plates are as clean
  
   as cold water can get them so go on and finish
  
   your meal.
  
   That afternoon, while eating the hamburgers his
  
   grandfather made for lunch, he noticed tiny specks
  
   around the edge of his plate, and a substance
  
   that looked like dried egg yokes....so he asked
again..
  
   are you sure these plates are clean?



   Without looking up from his hamburger, the
  
   grandfather says......I told you before, those
  
   dishes are as clean as cold water can get them,
  
   now don't ask me about it anymore!
  
   Later that afternoon, he was on his way out to
  
   get dinner in a nearby town. As he was leaving,
  
   Grandfather's dog started to growl and would not
  
   let him pass.......Grandfather, your dog won't let
  
   me out. Without diverting his attention from the
  
   football game his Grandfather was watching, he
  
   shouted........COLDWATER, GET YOUR BODY
  
   OUT OF THE WAY!





Prevent Highjackings



Dear Sirs:

After great thought, I have the solution
for the prevention of hijackings,
and at the same time getting our airline
industry back on its  feet.

Since men of the Muslim religion are not
allowed to look
at naked women we should replace all of our
female flight
attendants with strippers.

Muslims would be afraid to get on the
planes for fear of
seeing a naked woman, and of course, every
businessman  in this
country would start flying again in hope of
seeing a naked woman.

We would have no more hijackings, and the
airline industry would have record sales.

Now why didn't Congress think of this?

Sincerely,

Bill Clinton


hummmmmmmm



Q: How does a home schooler change a light bulb?

A: First, mom checks three books on electricity out of the
library, then the kids make models of light bulbs, read a
biography of Thomas Edison and do a skit based on his
life. Next, everyone studies the history of lighting
methods, wrapping up with dipping their own candles. Next,
everyone takes a trip to the store where they compare
types of light bulbs as well as prices and figure out how
much change they'll get if they buy two bulbs for $1.99
and pay with a five dollar bill. On the way home, a
discussion develops over the history of money and also
Abraham Lincoln, as his picture is on the five dollar
bill.  Finally, after building a homemade ladder out of
branches dragged from the woods, the light bulb is
installed. And there is light.


AAAAAAmmmmeeenn



Two farmers were boasting about the strongest kind of wind they'd seen.

"Out here in California," said one, "I've seen the fiercest wind in my
life. You know these giant redwood trees? Well, the wind once got so
strong, it bent them right down."

"That's nothing," said the other. "Back on my farm in Iowa, we had a
terrible
wind one day that blew a hundred miles an hour. It was so bad one of my hens
had
her back turned to the wind and she laid the same egg six times."





A bride called to make a change to her wedding
registry. It is common, almost expected, that a bride
will change something on her registry at least once
(dishes, color of towels, etc.). The Customer Service
Representative told her that J.C. Penney would be
happy to make the change. He asked if the bride wanted
to change the dishes or the linens.

The bride said, "No, keep all that. I just wanted to
change the name of the groom."





A US man caught red-handed after stealing from a shop says
his evil twin did it.

Wally Dykes was arrested after being identified on the security
camera of a convenience store in Franklin, Louisiana. He
claims the real culprit is his evil twin brother who follows him
around, dresses in identical clothes and commits crimes using
his identity.

Dykes is charged with burglary and possession of stolen
property after he was found in possession of the alcohol,
cigarettes and cigars taken from the shelves.

But Jerry Hartman, of the local sheriff's department, says
"When confronted with the photographs, Dykes said the
perpetrator is his evil twin brother who follows him around,
dresses in identical clothes and commits crimes using his
identity."

Dyke's unlikely defense was quickly dismissed by police
when they contacted his sister. She said Dykes does have
a brother, but added, "He's not a twin, and he's certainly
not evil."

Police say they have no plans to pursue the evil twin Dykes
claims is on the loose.





Why I Fired My Secretary

I woke up early feeling a little depressed, because it was my
birthday and I thought, "another year older," but decided to
make the best of it. So I showered and shaved, knowing
when I went down to breakfast my wife would greet me
with a big kiss and say, "Happy Birthday, dear."

All smiles I went into breakfast and there sat my wife
reading the newspaper as usual. She didn't say one word.

So I got myself a cup of coffee and thought to myself, " oh
oh well, she just forgot." The kids will be in a few minutes
all cheers and they will sing Happy Birthday and have a
nice gift for me.

There I sat, enjoying my coffee and I waited. Finally the
kids came running in yelling, "Give me a slice of toast. I'm
late. And where is my coat? I'm going to miss the bus!"
Feeling more depressed than ever, I left for the office.
 
When I walked into the office my secretary greeted me
with a nice smile and a "Happy Birthday, Boss" and
said, "I'll get you some coffee." Her remembering made
me feel a lot better. Later in the morning my secretary
knocked on my door and said since it's your birthday,
why don't we have lunch together. Thinking it would
make me feel better I said that's a good idea.

So we locked up the office and since it was my birthday
I said, "why don't we drive out of town and have lunch
in the country instead of going to the usual place." So
we drove out of town and went to a little out of the
way place. We had a couple of martinis, a nice lunch,
and started driving back to town when my secretary
said, "Why don't we go by my place and I will fix you
another martini."

It sounded like a good idea since we didn't have
anything to do in the office anyway. So we went to her
apartment and she fixed us both a martini. After a
while she said, "Will you excuse me, I think I will slip
into something more comfortable," and left the room.
room.

In six minutes, she opened her bedroom door and came
out carrying a big birthday cake. Following her were my
wife and all my kids and there I sat, with nothing on but
my socks.





[||||]     M A C S    S T A C K E D      [||||]     

Mickeydoo execs are bracing for massive profit slides in Japan and Latin
America due to local fears of mad cow disease.   (AP)   

Not to mention the equally deadly Fastfooditis B.       





[||||]     T H A R    I T    B L O W S !     [||||]

Lloyd's List, the world's oldest shipping industry newspaper, caving to
the politically correct police, will no longer refer to ships as "she." 
  (AP)

Henceforth, boats will be referred to as "it" and cruise ships as
"midnight buffet delivery systems."





& now your at the end of the letter, I hope that you enjoyed

The times on this one are 146 seconds for 28K modem,
87 seconds for 56k modem & 40 seconds for cable/dsl

thanks, David 1