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The News letter, 020323-1

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By the way, on some of the pictures, if you hover your pointer over the picture, ya might find a comment from me on it,
now that I've learned how to do that.

Now its time for the show to start & I think we'll start now!!!!

Problem is when the kids are gone
Susan or the computer starts on me.

If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong with
you. This is dedicated to every woman who ever attempted to get into a
regular workout routine. A must read!

Dear Diary... for my fiftieth birthday this year, my husband (the dear)
purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.
Although I am still in great shape since playing on my high school  softball
team, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer I'll
call Bruce, who identified himself as a 26 year old aerobics instructor  and
model for athletic clothing and swim wear.

My husband seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started.  The club
encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

Monday: Started my day at 6:00 am. Tough to get out of bed, but  found it
was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find  Bruce waiting
for me. He is something of a Greek God - with blond  hair, dancing eyes and
a dazzling white smile.  Woo Hoo!! Bruce gave me a tour and showed me the
machines.  He took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. He was
alarmed  that my pulse was so fast, but I attribute it to standing next to
him  in his Lycra aerobic outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in
which he conducted his aerobics class as I did my sit-ups, although my gut
was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around.....
This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

Tuesday: I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out  the
door. Bruce made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar  into the
air-then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
treadmill, but I made the full mile. Bruce's rewarding smile made it all
worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

Wednesday: The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on
the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it.  I believe I have a
hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as  I didn't try to steer
or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Bruce was
impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered  other club members.
His voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when he scolds,
he gets this nasally whine that is VERY
annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Bruce put me on the
stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an
activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Bruce told me it would help me get
in shape and enjoy life. He said some other crap too.

Thursday: Bruce was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as
his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being
a half an hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Bruce took me to
work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's
room. He sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing
machine - which I sank.

Friday: I hate that idiot Bruce more than any human being has ever hated
any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic
little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without
unbearable pain, I would beat him with it. Bruce wanted me to work on my
triceps. I  don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the
floor, don't hand me the barbells or anything that weighs more than a
sandwich.  (Which I am sure you learned in the sadist school you attended
and graduated magna cum laude from.) The treadmill flung me off and I landed
on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer,
like the drama coach or the choir director?

Saturday: Bruce left a message on my answering machine in his grating,
shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing him made
me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength
to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the
*$@#&&&& Weather Channel.

Sunday: I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go
and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my
husband (the IDIOT) will choose a gift for me that is fun - like a root
canal or a hysterectomy!

I thought it was the birds

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How To Give Kitty A Pill

1. Grasp cat firmly in your arms.  Cradle its head on your elbow,
just as if you were giving a baby a bottle.  Coo confidently, "That's
a nice kitty."  Drop the pill in its mouth.

2. Retrieve cat from top of lamp & pill from under sofa.

3. Follow same procedure as in 1, but hold cat's front paws down
with left hand & back paws down with elbow of right arm.  Poke pill
into its mouth with right forefinger.

4. Retrieve cat from under bed.  Get new pill from bottle.  (resist
impulse to get new cat.)

5. Again proceed as in 1, except when you have cat firmly cradled in
bottle-feeding position, sit on edge of chair, fold your torso over
cat, bring your right hand over your left elbow, open cat's mouth by
lifting the upper jaw & pop pill in - quickly!  Since your head is
down by your knees, you won't be able to see what you are doing.
That's just as well.

6. Leave cat hanging on drapes.  Leave pill in your hair.

7 If you are a woman, have a good cry.  If you are a man, have a
good cry.

8. Now pull yourself together.  Who's the boss here anyway?
Retrieve cat & pill. Assuming position 1, say sternly, "Who's the the
boss here anyway?" Open cat's mouth, take pill & ....Oooops!

9. This isn't working, is it?  Collapse & think.  Aha!  Those
flashing claws are causing the chaos.

10. Crawl to the linen closet.  Drag back a large beach towel.
Spread towel on floor.

11. Retrieve cat from kitchen counter & pill from potted plant.

12. Spread cat on towel near one end with its head over long edge.

13. Flatten cat's front & back legs over its stomach.  (resist
impulse to flatten cat.)

14. Roll cat in towel.  Work fast; time & tabbies wait for no man -
or woman!

15. Resume position 1.  Rotate your left hand to cat's head.  Press
its mouth at the jaw hinges like opening the petals of a snapdragon.

16. Drop pill into cat's mouth & poke gently.  Voila!  It's done!

17. Vacuum up loose fur (cat's).  Apply bandages to wounds (yours).

18. Take two aspirin & lie down.

Ya have to wait & watch this one.

A famous art collector is walking through the city
when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a
saucer in the doorway of a store and he does a
double take.

He knows that the saucer is extremely old and very
valuable, so he walks casually into the store and
offers to buy the cat for two dollars.

The store owner replies, "I'm sorry, but the cat
isn't for sale.

The collector says, "Please, I need a hungry cat
around the house to catch mice. I'll pay you twenty
dollars for that cat."

And the owner says "Sold," and hands over the cat.

The collector continues, "Hey, for the twenty bucks
I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The
cat's used to it and it'll save me from having to
get a dish."

And the owner says, "Sorry buddy, but that's my
lucky saucer. So far this week I've sold sixty-eight

another one ya have to watch

On the first day of creation, God created the cat.

On the second day, God created man to serve the cat.

On the third, God created all the animals of the earth to serve as
potential food for the cat.

On the fourth day, God created honest toil so that man could labour
for the good of the cat.

On the fifth day, God created the sparkle ball so that the cat might
or might not play with it.

On the sixth day, God created veterinary science to keep the cat
healthy and the man broke.

On the seventh day, God tried to rest, but he had to scoop the


Me on the computer with
some of my clients.

Better send it via email then !

Need I say more.

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Kids & toys

Wise butt women that is.

& now your at the end of the letter, I hope that you enjoyed

The times on this one are 122 seconds for 28K modem,
73 seconds for 56k modem & 34 seconds for cable/dsl

thanks, David 1