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The News letter, 020319








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By the way, on some of the pictures, if you hover your pointer over the picture, ya might find a comment from me on it,
now that I've learned how to do that.



Now its time for the show to start & I think we'll start now!!!!





A woman reported the disappearance of her husband to the
police.  The officer in charge looked at the photograph she
handed him, questioned her, and then asked if she wished to
give her husband any message if they found him.

"Yes," she quickly replied. "Tell him...Mother didn't come
after all."


A ragged individual stranded for several months on a small desert
island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean one day noticed a bottle
lying in the sand with a piece of paper in it. Rushing to the bottle,
he pulled out the cork and with shaking hands withdrew the message.

"Due to lack of maintenance," he read, "we regretfully have found
it necessary to cancel your e-mail account."


A blonde woman was terribly overweight, so her
doctor put her on a diet.

"I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then  skip a day,
and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see
you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."

When the woman returned, she shocked the doctor by losing
nearly 20 pounds.

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said,
"Did you follow my instructions?"

The woman nodded. "I'll tell you though, I thought I was
going to drop dead that third day."

"From hunger, you mean?"

"No, from skipping on the third day."


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This was on the on September 7, 1999 Tonight Show. Jay Leno
 went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a
 woman ever had.

 The winner described her worst first date experience. There was
 absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!

 Marilyn said it was midwinter...snowing and quite cold...and the guy had
 taken her skiing to Lake Arrowhead. It was a day trip (no overnight).

 No, not Marilyn. They were strangers, after all, and truly had never met
 before. The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were
 headed home late that afternoon. They were driving back down the
 mountain when she gradually began to realize that she should not have
 had that extra latte. They were about an hour away from anywhere with a
 rest room and in the middle of nowhere.

 Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while.
 Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, ! There came a
 point where she told him that he had better stop and let her pee beside
 the road, or it would be the front seat of his car.

 They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her
 pants down and started. Unfortunately, in the deep snow she didn't have
 good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady
 herself. Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for
 traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking.

 All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather
 embarrassing nature of the situation. Upon finishing however, she soon
 became aware of another sensation. As she bent to pull up her pants,
 the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the
 car's fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen to pump handles immediately
 came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal.
 It was quickly apparent! that she had a brand new problem due to the
 extreme cold.

 Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor she answered her
 date's concerns about "what was taking so long" with a reply that
 indeed, she was "freezing her butt off and needed some assistance"!

 He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater
 and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out
 laughing. She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to
 compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma. Obviously, as hysterical
 as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem. Both
 agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the
 grip of the icy metal.

 Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first
 place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free
 so, as she looked the other way, her first time date proceeded to unzip
 his pants! and pee her butt off the fender.

 As for the Tonight Show...she took the prize hands down...or perhaps
 that should be "pants down." And you thought your first date was
 embarrassing...

 A whole new definition of being "pissed off"







Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his bachelor's
degree and the woman gets her master's.



GRANDMA'S 100TH BIRTHDAY
The family wheeled grandma out on the lawn in her wheel chair where
The activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma
couldn't talk very well but she could write notes fairly good when
she needed to communicate.
 
After a short time out on the lawn grandma started leaning off to
the right and some family members grabbed her and straightened her
up and stuffed pillows on her right.
 
A short time later she started leaning off to her left and again
the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left.
 
Soon she started leaning forward and the family members again
grabbed her and tied a pillow case around her waist to hold her up.
 
A nephew who arrived late came running up to grandma and said,
"Hi grandma, you're looking good, how are they treating you?"
 
Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to her
nephew...     "They won't let me fart."



PEA SOUP---CREE STYLE

2 cups dried peas, soaked
20 oz Hominy
1 cup celery leaves or 2 pinches of thyme
salt and pepper to taste
16 cups water

When the soaking peas are soft, put them in a large pot with
the rest of the ingredients. Simmer until the peas are tender
but still firm. Add the hominy & cook till thickened. Serve hot.


"The only mystery about the cat is why it ever decided to
become a domesticated animal.

--Compton MacKenzie--


WHAT HUMANS CAN LEARN FROM CATS
(From Catstuff)

Whenever you miss the sandbox, cover it up. Dragging
a sock over it helps.

If you can't get your way, lay across the keyboard till you do.

When you are hungry, meow loudly so they feed you just to
shut you up.

Always find a good patch of sun to nap in and nap often.

When in doubt, cop an attitude.

Variety is the spice of life. One day, ignore people; the next
day, annoy them.

Climb your way to the top, that's why the curtains are there.

Make your mark in the world, or at least spray in each corner.

Always give generously; a bird or rodent left on the bed tells
them, "I care".

When in trouble, just purr and look cute.


A KITCHEN TIP OR TWO.....

To ripen tomatoes put them in a shallow box or bowl and
slip into a brown paper bag. Close the end and leave at
room temperature.

To make extra-light, airy pancakes, separate the eggs and
mix the yolks into the batter first. After everything else has
been added, beat the whites until stiff and fold them in last.

For more flavorful rice, substitute chicken broth, beef broth,
consomme, or undiluted tomato juice for the water.
(This is what a fancy restaurants does to make such delicious
tasting, plain rice.)


APRICOTS

This fruit of ancient lineage has been grown in China for
over 4,000 years. It now thrives in most temperate climates,
with California producing about 90 percent of the American
crop. A relative of the peach, the apricot is smaller and has
a smooth, oval pit that falls out easily when the fruit is halved.
Because they're highly perishable and seasonal, 90
percent of the fresh apricots are marketed in June and July.
When buying apricots, select plump, reasonably firm fruit with
a uniform color. Store in a plastic bag in the refrigerator for up
to 3 to 5 days. In addition to being rich in vitamin A, dried
apricots are a valuable source of iron and calcium. Like bitter
almonds, apricot kernels are poisonous until roasted.


APRICOT SUNDAE

1- 8 ounce package of dried apricots
1 cup water
1 cup sugar
1 tsp lemon juice
1/4 tsp almond extract
few grains of salt

Cook apricots in water until tender, about 10 minutes.
Add sugar and cook for another 15 minutes. Add lemon juice,
almond extract, and sprinkle of salt. Process in blender until
smooth. Chill then serve over vanilla ice cream.
Makes about 2 1/2 cups.


THE LOCKET

It was tarnished and old with a broken clasp.
I tossed it into the drawer.
Why did my mother give it to me,
and what would I want it for ?

She said I liked it long ago
when it was shiny and new.
But why she thought I'd like it now,
I really wished I knew.

The years passed by, and my little girl
was going through my things,
slipping bracelets on her tiny arm
and trying on my rings.

"What's this?" I heard my daughter ask
as she held it for me to see.
"Why, it's just an old locket," I replied,
"that your grandma gave to me."

"Oh, Mommy, isn't it beautiful?
It's looks just like a book
with pages you can turn inside
and pictures... Oh, look, Mommy, look."

I saw it then through a child's new eyes,
what I should have seen from the start,
the reason my mother treasured it so
and wore it close to her heart.

Now when I'm tempted to look at the surface,
discounting what's broken or old,
I think of the locket all tarnished outside
with an inside of purest gold.

Author Unknown


Stories from travel agents.....

A man called, furious about a Florida package we did.
I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He
said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to
explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle
of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the
map and Florida is a very thin state."
~~~~~
A secretary called in looking for hotel in Los Angeles. She
gave me various names off a list, none of which I could find
I finally had her fax me the list. To my surprise, it was a list of
hotels in New Orleans, Louisiana. She thought the LA stood
for Los Angeles, and that New Orleans was a suburb of LA
~~~~~
A lady called and asked to know how it was possible that her
flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am.
I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but
she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told
her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!
~~~~~
A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii.
After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be
cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"





DIABETIC DELIGHTS.....

SALMON CAKES

1 can (15-1/2 oz.) red salmon, drained (or 2 cups flaked)
1 tsp onion powder or 1/2 cup fresh white onion
1/4 cup diced red pepper or canned pimiento (2 oz.jar)
6 saltines (unsalted top), crushed
3 tbsp light salad dressing or mayonnaise
4 drops tabasco

Remove skin from fish.
Combine all ingredients in a medium bowl, mashing
salmon bones with a fork. Shape into 4 cakes. Spray
a skillet with non-stick cooking spray, and heat over
medium heat. Cook salmon cakes, turning once, until
lightly browned on each side. Makes 4 patties.

Nutritional Information Per Serving: Calories: 250;
fat: 14 grams; cholesterol: 73 mg; sodium: 628 mg
Exchanges: 1/3 starch; 3 medium-fat meat


In a car in the middle of Colorado a wife says to her husband,
"Oh Dear, George! I'm sure I left the iron on. I'm afraid the house
is going to burn down!"
George: "The house will not burn down, dear."
Wife: "Now, how can you make a statement like that?"
George: "Because I forgot to turn off the water in the bathtub."


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The tireseome jury selection process continued, each side
hotly contesting and dismissing potential jurors.
"Property holder?" the judge asked the old professor.
"Yes, I am, Your Honor."
"Married or single?"
"Married almost forty years, Your Honor."
"Formed or expressed an opinion?"
"Not in almost forty years, Your Honor."


ENGLISH DEVONSHIRE CREAM

1 cup heavy cream
1/2 cup confectioners sugar
1 cup sour cream
Dash vanilla.

Whip together until stiff peaks form. Then gently fold in one cup
of sour cream. Chill. Use as topping for strawberry shortcake.


"Those who don't know how to weep with their whole heart
                don't know how to laugh either."

                            --Golda Meir--


answers will follow (G)

1. A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three rooms.
The first is full of raging fires, the second is full of assassins with
loaded guns, and the third is full of lions that haven't eaten in 3 years -
Which room is safest for him?

2. A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under water for over 10
minutes. Finally, she hangs him. But 5 minutes later they both go out
together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together - How can this be?

3. There are two plastic jugs filled with water. How could you put all of
this water into a barrel, without using the jugs or any dividers, and still
tell which water came from which jug?

4. What is black when you buy it, red when you use it, and gray when you
throw it away?

5. Can you name three consecutive days without using the words Monday,
Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, or Sunday?

6. This is an unusual paragraph. I'm curious how quickly you can find out
what is so unusual about it? It looks so plain you would think nothing was
wrong with it! In fact, nothing is wrong with it! It is unusual though.
Study it, and think about it, but you still may not find anything odd. But
if you work at it a bit, you might find out! Try to do so without any
coaching! KITTY ETIQUETTE - FROM A CAT'S POINT OF VIEW
>
> BATHROOMS: Always accompany guests to the bathroom.
> It is not necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare. You can help out
by
> unrolling the toilet tissue for them.
>
> DOORS: Do not allow any closed doors in any room. To get door open, stand
on
> hind legs and hammer with forepaws ... or scratch at the carpet in front
of
> the door. Once the door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After
you
> have ordered an "outside" door opened, stand halfway in and out and think
> about
> several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather,
> rain, snow, or mosquito season.
>
> CHAIRS AND RUGS: If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If you
> cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental
rug,
> shag is
> good. When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so it is as
long
> as a human's bare foot.
>
> HELPING: If one of your humans is engaged in some activity and the other
is
> idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping." Following are the
> rules
> for "helping:"
>
> 1.) When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook.
You
> cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and
> then picked up and comforted.
>
> 2.) For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book,
> unless you can lie across the book itself.
>
> 3.) For paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner so as to
> obscure as much of the work as possible. Pretend to doze, but every so
often
> reach out and slap the pencil or pen.
>
> 4.) For people paying bills or working on income taxes or Christmas cards,
> keep in mind the aim: to help! First, sit on the paper being worked on.
When
> dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table. When activity proceeds
> nicely, roll around on the papers, scattering them to the best of your
> ability.
> After being removed for the second time, push pens, pencils, and erasers
off
> the table, one at a time.
>
> 5.) When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to
> jump at the back of the paper. Humans love to jump.
>
> 6.) When your human is working at the computer, jump up on the desk, walk
> across the keyboard, bat at the mouse pointer on the screen and then lay
in
> your human's lap across their arms, helping with the typing in progress.
>
> WALKING: As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in
> front of your human, especially on stairs, when they have something in
their
> arms, in
> the dark, and when they first get up in the morning. This will help their
> coordination skills.
>
> BEDTIME: Always sleep on the human at night so he/she cannot move around.
It
> helps them rest better to lie perfectly still.
>
> LITTER BOX: When using the litter box, be sure to kick as much litter out
of
> the box as possible. Humans love the feel of kitty litter between their
> toes.
>
> HIDING: Every now and then, hide in a place where the humans cannot find
> you.  Do not come out for three to four hours under any circumstances.
This
> will cause the humans to panic (which they love) thinking that you have
run
> away or are lost. Once you do come out, the humans will cover you with
love
> and kisses and you will probably get a treat.
>
> ONE LAST THOUGHT: Whenever possible, get close to a human, especially
their
> face. Turn around and present your rear to them. Humans love this, so do
it
> often. And don't forget their guests.






ANSWERS
1. The third. Lions that haven't eaten in three years are dead.

2. The woman was a photographer. She shot a picture of her husband,
developed it, and hung it up to dry.

3. Freeze them first. Take them out of the jugs and put the ice in the
barrel. You will be able to tell which water came from which jug.

4. The answer is Charcoal. In Homer Simpson's words: hmmmm... Barbecue.

5. Sure you can: Yesterday, Today, and Tomorrow!

6. The letter "e", which is the most common letter in the English language,
does not appear once in the long paragraph.



& now your at the end of the letter, I hope that you enjoyed

The times on this one are 56 seconds for 28K modem,
33 seconds for 56k modem & 16 seconds for cable/dsl

thanks, David 1