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By the way, on some of the pictures, if you hover your pointer over the picture, ya might find a comment from me on it,
now that I've learned how to do that.



Now its time for the show to start & I think we'll start now!!!!











REMEMBER WHEN:

Mom was at home when the kids got home from school.
When nobody owned a purebred dog.
When a quarter was a decent allowance, and another
quarter, a huge bonus.

When you'd reach into a muddy gutter for a penny.
When all of your male teachers wore neckties and female
teachers had their hair done and wore high heels.
When you got your windshield cleaned, oil checked, and
gas pumped, without asking, all for free, every time.
And, you didn't pay for air. And, you got trading stamps to boot.

When it was considered a great privilege to be taken out
to dinner at a real restaurant with your parents.
When the worst thing you could do at school was smoke in
the bathrooms, flunk a test or chew gum.

When a '57 Chevy was everyone's dream car ... to cruise,
peel out, lay rubber or watch submarine races, and people
went steady and girls wore a class ring with an inch of
wrapped yarn so it would fit her finger.

And no one ever asked where the car keys were 'cause
they were always in the car, in the ignition, and the doors
were never locked. And you got in big trouble if you
accidentally locked the doors at home, since no one ever had a† key.


Remember lying on your back on the grass with your
friends and saying things like "That cloud looks like a ... "
Remember jumping waves at the ocean for hours in that
cold water. And playing baseball with no adults to help
kids with the rules of the game.

Back then, baseball was not a psychological group
learning experience--it was a game.

Remember when stuff from the store came without safety
caps and hermetic seals 'cause no one had yet tried to poison a
perfect stranger.

And with all our progress ... don't you just wish, just
once, you could slip back in time and savor the slower pace ...
and share it with the children of today...

Remember when being sent to the principal's office was
nothing compared to the fate that awaited a misbehaving
student at home.
Basically, we were in fear for our lives, but it wasn't
because of drive by shootings, drugs, gangs, etc.... Our parents
and grandparents were a much bigger threat! But we all
survived because their love was greater than the threat.

Go back with me for a minute....
Before the Internet or the MAC
Before semi automatics and crack
Before SEGA or Super Nintendo...Way back ....
I'm talkin' bout hide and go seek at dusk.
Red light, Green light.
Kick the can.
Playing kickball & dodge ball until your porch light
came on.

Mother May I?
Red Rover
Hula Hoops
Roller skating to music
Running through the sprinkler Wait ....

Catchin' lightning bugs in a jar
Christmas morning ....
Your first day of school
Climbing trees

Bedtime Prayers and Goodnight Kisses
Getting an Ice Cream off the Ice Cream Truck
A million mosquito bites and sticky fingers
Jumpin' on the bed.

Pillow fights
Runnin' till you were out of breath
Laughing so hard that your stomach hurt
Being tired from playin'....

Your first crush ....Remember that? I'm not finished
yet....

Kool-aid was the drink of summer
Toting your friends on your handle bars
Wearing your new shoes on the first day of school
Class Field Trips

When nearly everyone's mom was at home when the kids
got there.

Didn't that feel good, just to go back and say, Yeah, I
remember that!

There's nothing like the good old days.
They were good then, and they're good now when we think
about them.

Share some of these thoughts with a friend who can
relate, then share it with someone that missed out on them.

I want to go back to the time when............

Decisions were made by going "eeny-meeny-miney-mo"
Mistakes were corrected by simply exclaiming, "do it over!"
"Race issue"; meant arguing about who ran the fastest.
Money issues were handled by whoever was the banker in
"Monopoly"

Catching the fireflies could happily occupy an entire evening.
It wasn't odd to have two or three "best" friends.
Being old, referred to anyone over 20.
The worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex
was cooties.

Scrapes and bruises were kissed and made better.
It was a big deal to finally be tall enough to ride the
"big people" rides at the amusement park.
Getting a foot of snow was a dream come true.

Abilities were discovered because of a "double-dog-dare"
Spinning around, getting dizzy and falling down was
cause for giggles.

The worst embarrassment was being picked last for a team.
Water balloons were the ultimate weapon.
Older siblings were the worst tormentors, but also the
fiercest protectors.

If you can remember most or all of these, then you have LIVED!!!!

Pass this on to anyone who may need a break from their
"grown up" life.

I DOUBLE DOG DARE YA!!!!!!!











These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a
small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from
the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was
unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went
back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist
hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to
"persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed
their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop.
Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can
prevent florist friars.


I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening
when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved.
She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my
five-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't
wearing a seat belt!"


My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me
he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet.† So I fished it out and
threw it in the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a
moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush.
He held it up and said with a charming little smile,"We better
throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few
days ago."


A woman was trying hard to get the catsup to come out of the jar.
During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her four-year old
daughter to answer the phone.† "It's the minister, Mommy," the
child said to her mother. Then she added, Mommy can't† come to the
phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."


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A mother was showing her son how to zip up his coat. "The secret,"
she said, "is to get the left part of the zipper to fit in the
other side before you try to zip it up." The boy looked at her
quizzically... "Why does it have to be a secret?"

That's the same question I asked still today!!
David 1



A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's
> locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks,
with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy
Watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter --haven't
you ever seen a little boy before?"


A little boy forgot his lines in a Sunday School presentation. His
mother, sitting in the front row to prompt him, gestured and
formed the words silently with her lips, but it didn't help. Her
son's memory was blank. Finally she leaned forward and whispered
the cue, "I am the light of the World." The child beamed and with
great feeling and a loud, clear voice said, "My mother is the
light of the world."


Personally, I'd take this as a hint.





BAAAAAAD baby



A teacher asked her students to draw a picture of their favorite
Old Testament story, and as she moved around the class, she saw
there were many wonderful drawings being done. Then she came
across Johnny who had drawn a man driving an old car. In the back
seat was a scantily-clad man and woman. "It's a lovely picture,"
said the teacher, "but which > story does it tell?" Johnny seemed
surprised at the question. "Well," he exclaimed, "doesn't it say
in the Bible that God drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden of
Eden?"


Did Ya' Know:
------------------------------------
Whose birthday is celebrated on the third Monday of February?
As far as the federal government is concerned, it's Washington's
birthday.† But it's popularly (and in some areas, officially)
known as Presidents Day, in honor of both great men.† The
holiday never falls on Lincoln's birthday (Feb. 12) and in
most years doesn't hit Washington's either; he was born Feb. 11.

If taken in high doses over a period of time, vitamin B6 can
cause nerve damage.† The Food and Nutrition Board of the
National Academy of Sciences says that taking more than
100 mg daily may be unsafe.

There are two types of dietary fiber:† soluble fiber, which
helps keep cholesterol levels in check, and insoluble fiber,
which helps keep our bowels functioning optimally.

Calcium isn't just important for building and maintaining
bone mass; studdies now show consuming high levels of
calcium may also help reduce the risk of colon cancer.

*grin* It makes people wonder!
~AIKEN~


[||||]††† T I M E††† C H E C K††† --†† At two minutes past eight p.m.
Wednesday night, a rare time palindrome occurred when the time and the
date read the same forward and backward† (20:02, 20/02/2002).†† (USA
Today)†

†††† ź†††† And mathematicians consider anyone who doesn't consider this
interesting a boob† --† also a palindrome.


[||||]†††† B O O !††† --††† National Guard units nationwide routinely
report non existent members to pentagon bean counters to insure the
continued flow of federal bucks to the state run khaki brigades.††† (USA
Today)

†††† ź†††† The so called "ghost members" were discovered when a federal
official noticed a troop count verified by a General Casper L. Friendly.


[||||]††† R O C K††† T U R N I N G††† --††† Lorillard Tobacco Co. has
sued the anti smoking American Legacy Foundation charging that they ran
"vilifying TV ads containing offensive statements."††† (USA Today)


GOOOOODDD Kitty








†††††††††††††††††††††††††† PRECIOUS TIME

†††††††††††††††††††††††††††† Author unknown

With a timid voice and idolizing eyes, the little boy greeted
his father as he returned from work,"Daddy, how much do
you make an hour?"

Greatly surprised, but giving his boy a glaring look, the father
said, "Look, son, not even your mother knows that. Don't bother
me now, I'm tired."

"But Daddy, just tell me please! How much do you make an hour,"
the boy insisted. The father, finally giving up, replied: "Twenty
dollars per hour."

"Okay, Daddy? Could you loan me ten dollars?" the boy asked.

Showing his restlessness and positively disturbed, the father
yelled, "So that was the reason you asked how much I earn,
right? Go to sleep and don't bother me anymore!"

It was already dark and the father was meditating on what he
said and was feeling guilty. Maybe he thought, his son wanted
to buy something that he really needed.

Finally, trying to ease his mind, the father went to his son's room.
"Are you asleep, son?" asked the father. "No, Daddy. Why?"
replied the boy, partially asleep.

"Here's the money you asked for earlier," the father said.

"Thanks, Daddy!" rejoiced the son, while putting his hand under
his pillow and removing some money. "Now I have enough!!
Now I have twenty dollars!" the boy said to his father, who was
gazing at his son, confused at what his son had just said.

"Daddy, could you sell me one hour of your time?"


HILARIOUS "HELPFUL" HINTS.....


High blood pressure sufferers: Simply cut yourself and
bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

Heavy smokers: Don't throw away those filters from the
end of your cigarettes. Save them up and within a few
years you'll have enough to insulate your attic.

A sheet of sandpaper makes a cheap and effective
substitute for costly maps when visiting the Sahara desert.

Tape a chocolate bar to the outside of your microwave.
If the chocolate melts you will know that the microwaves
are escaping and it is time to have the oven serviced.

A mouse trap, placed on top on of your alarm clock will
prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.


BEFORE........and.........AFTER.............

BEFORE CHILDREN: I was thankful to have been born in
the USA, the most powerful free democracy in the world.
AFTER CHILDREN : I am thankful for Velcro tennis shoes.
As well as saving valuable time, now I can hear the sound of
my son taking off his shoes which gives me three extra
seconds to activate the safety locks on the back seat windows
right before he hurls them out of the car and onto the freeway.

BEFORE CHILDREN: I was thankful for the recycling program
which will preserve our natural resources and prevent the
overloading of landfills.
AFTER CHILDREN : I am thankful for swim diapers because
every time my son wanders into water in plain disposables,
he ends up wearing a blimp the size of New Jersey, on his bottom.

BEFORE CHILDREN: I was thankful for fresh, organic vegetables.
AFTER CHILDREN : I am thankful for microwaveable macaroni
and cheese without which my children would be surviving on
about three bites of cereal and their own spit.

BEFORE CHILDREN: I was thankful for material objects
like custom furniture, a nice car and trendy clothes.
AFTER CHILDREN : I am thankful when the baby spits up
and misses my good shoes.

BEFORE CHILDREN: I was thankful for a warm, cozy
home to share with my loved ones.
AFTER CHILDREN : I am thankful for the lock on the
bathroom door.











HOT CROSS BUNS

Traditionally served on Good Friday, these small, lightly
sweet yeast buns contain raisins or currants and sometimes
chopped candied fruit. Before baking, a cross is slashed in
the top of the bun. After baking, a confectioners' sugar icing
is used to fill the cross.

Traditional Hot Cross Buns

2 cups flour
4 tsp baking powder
1/2 tsp salt
1/2 tsp cream of tartar
11/2 tsp cinnamon
11/2 tsp nutmeg
4 tsp sugar
1/2 cup butter
1/2 cup raisins
1/2 cup mixed candied fruit (optional)
1 cup milk

Sift together into bowl flour, baking powder, salt, cream of
tartar, spices, and sugar. Cut in butter until mixture is size of
peas. Stir in fruits. Add milk all at once and quickly stir in.

Turn out onto flour sprinkled board. Pat smoothly to 7/8 inch
thickness and cut out with floured 3 inch cutter. With back of
knife press a cross on top of each bun.

Mix 2 tsp sugar and 1 1/2 tsp milk. Brush top of each bun
with sugar mixture. Bake on ungreased baking sheet at 425
for 12 minutes. Makes 10 to 12 buns.


Why you don't want Microsoft designing cars....

Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason,
and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.

Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to
stop and fail and you would have to RE-INSTALL the engine. .

New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.

The airbag system would say "are you sure?" before going off.

If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea
what happened.


CRAZY>CRAZY>CROOKS.....

Karen Lee Joachimmi, 20, was arrested in Lake City, Florida
for robbery of a Howard Johnson's motel. She was armed with
only an electric chain saw, which was not plugged in.
~~~~~
David Posman, 33, was arrested recently in Providence, R.I,
after allegedly knocking out an armored car driver and stealing
the closest four bags of money. It turned out they contained $800
in PENNIES, weighed 30 pounds each, and slowed him to a
stagger during his getaway so that police officers easily jumped
him from behind.
~~~~~
The Belgium news agency Belga reported in November that
a man suspected of robbing a jewelry store in Liege said he
couldn't have done it *because he was busy breaking into a
school at the same time.* Police then arrested him for
breaking into the school.
~~~~~
Amy Brasher was arrested in San Antonio, Texas, after a
mechanic reported to police that 18 packages of marijuana
were packed in the engine compartment of the car which she
had brought to the mechanic for an oil change. According to
police, Brasher later said that she didn't realize that the mechanic
would have to raise the hood to change the oil. (DUH!!)











DIABETIC DELIGHTS.....

BAKED CUSTARD

2 cups water
3 large eggs
3/4 cup instant dry milk
1/4 tsp salt
1 1/2 tsp vanilla
sugar substitute equal to 1/4 cup sugar
nutmeg (optional)

Heat 2 cups water to 110 degrees to 115 degrees.
Place eggs, dry milk, vanilla, salt and dry sugar substitute
in a bowl and mix well. Stir hot water into egg mixture. Blend
well, and pour a fourth of mixture into each of 4 custard cups.

Sprinkle custard lightly with nutmeg, if desired, and place the
cups in an 8" or 9" cake pan. Pour boiling water around the
cups to a depth of 1 1/2". Bake at 325 degrees for about 1 hour,
or until a knife comes out clean from the center of custard.
Cool at room temperature. Serve warm or chilled.
Makes 4 servings.

Nutritional information per serving: Calories: 101; Cholesterol 8g;
Protein 9g; Fat 5g; ;
Exchanges: 2/3 milk and 1 fat


When I wrote Balderdash for Volunteer Vittles last year, it was then
geared quite a bit to the "country" way of life. I gathered quite a
collection of old sayings and phrases that are quite unique. I hear
some of these even now, living in North Carolina. I thought I would
share some with you and their meanings. You might even recognize
a few yourself!!

"split the blanket".....get a divorce

"strong enough to hold up a twenty penny spike".....very strong
coffee

"tear your butt up like a tater just been plowed".....get a spanking

"as awkward as two one-legged men in a butt
kicking contest.....very ungraceful

"on it like a big-footed rooster on a June bug"......someone has a
great interest in doing something

"that's like trying to herd cats" -- hard to do

"a real toad strangler" --a lot of rain in a short time (usually said
when frogs are seen out on the road because the road is dryer
than the ditch!!)





Now that's on ICE ! !






& now your at the end of the letter, I hope that you enjoyed

The times on this one are 303 seconds for 28K modem,
180 seconds for 56k modem & 82 seconds for cable/dsl

thanks, David 1