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The News letter, 020212

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By the way, on some of the pictures, if you hover your pointer over the picture ya might find a comment from me on it,
now that I've learned how to do that.

Now its time for the show to start & I think we'll start now!!!!

Sorry this was a heavy loader, Ya might have to refresh to get everything to load. David 1 Hero wave, Tribute to the 911 war attack!

A wealthy man and his son loved to collect rare
works of art.
They had everything in their
Collection, from Picasso to Raphael.
They would often sit together and admire the
great works of art.
When the Viet Nam conflict broke out, the son
went to war. He was very courageous and died
in battle while rescuing another soldier.
The father was notified and grieved deeply for
his only son.

About a month later, just before Christmas,
there was a knock at the door. A young man
stood at the door with a large package in
his hands.

He said, "Sir, you don't know me, but I am the
soldier for whom your son gave his life. He
saved many lives that day, and he was carrying
me to safety when a bullet struck him in the
heart and he died instantly. He often talked
about you, and your love for art."

The young man held out his package. "I know
this isn't much. I'm not really a great artist,
but I think your son would have wanted you to
have this."

The father opened the package. It was a
portrait of his son, painted by the young man.
He stared in awe at the way the soldier had
captured the personality of his son in the
painting. The father was so drawn to the eyes
that his own eyes welled up with tears.

He thanked the young man and offered to pay him
for the picture. "Oh, no sir, I could never
repay what your son did for me. It's a gift."
The father hung the portrait over his mantle.
Every time visitors came to his home he took
them to see the portrait of his son before he
showed them any of the other great works he
had collected.

The man died a few months later. There was to
be a great auction of his paintings. Many
influential people gathered, excited over seeing
the great paintings and having an opportunity to
purchase one for their collection.
On the platform sat the painting of the son.
The auctioneer pounded his gavel. "We will start
the bidding with this picture of the son. Who
will bid for this picture?"
There was silence. Then a voice in the back of
the room shouted,"We want to see the famous
paintings. Skip this one."
But the auctioneer persisted, "Will someone bid
for this painting? Who will start the bidding?
$100, $200?"

Another voice shouted angrily, "We didn't come
to see this painting. We came to see the Van
Goghs, the Rembrandts. Get on with the real
bids!" But still the auctioneer continued,
"The son! The son! Who'll take the son?"
Finally, a voice came from the very back of the
room. It was the longtime gardener of the man
and his son. "I'll give $10 for the painting."
Being a poor man, it was all he could afford.
"We have $10, who will bid $20?" the auctioneer
"Give it to him for $10. Let's see the masters."
"$10 is the bid, won't someone bid $20?" asked the
The crowd was becoming angry. They didn't want
the picture of the son. They wanted the more
worthy investments for their collections. The
auctioneer pounded the gavel. "Going once, twice,
SOLD for $10!"
A man sitting on the second row shouted, "Now
let's get on with the collection!"
The auctioneer laid down his gavel, "I'm sorry,
the auction is over."

What about the paintings?"
"I am sorry. When I was called to conduct this
auction, I was told of a secret stipulation in
the will. I was not allowed to reveal that
stipulation until this time. Only the painting of
the son would
be auctioned. Whoever bought
that painting would inherit the entire estate,
including the paintings. The man who took the
son gets everything!"
God gave his Son 2,000 years ago to die on a
cruel cross. Much like the auctioneer, His
message today is, "The Son, the Son, who'll
take the Son?" Because you see, whoever
takes the Son gets everything.
author unknown

A new convert to Catholicism decided to go to
confession to
deal with his transgression.  In the
confessional, he told the
priest that he  had sinned.

"What was your sin, my son?" asked the priest.

"I stole some lumber, Father," replied the man.

"How much lumber did you steal?" asked the

"Father, I built my German Shepherd dog a nice
new doghouse."

The priest replied, "Well, that's not so bad." 

The man continued, "Father, I also built myself a


"Well, now, that's a little more serious."

"Father, there's more.  In addition to the
doghouse, the 4-car
garage, I also built a 5 bedroom, 4 bath house!"

With a pause, the priest finally spoke.  "That is

a little more
serious.  I'm afraid you'll have to make a

"Father, I'm not sure what a novena is, but if
you've got the
blueprints, I've got the lumber!"


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Who doesn't know this next feeling ???

Farmer wins the ten million dollar lottery and is

interviewed. He is asked what he is going to do
with all the

"Oh, I guess the first thing I'll do is go and
pay a few bills."

"And what about the rest?" the reporter asks.

Farmer shrugs.  "Well, I guess they'll just have
to wait"

A little girl was sitting on her daddy's lap. 
She gazed up at
her father and said, "Daddy, did anyone ever tell

you that
you're the most wonderful and smartest man in the


Her father, filled with pride said, "Why no,
honey, they

"Then where did you get the idea?" she asked.

The supervisor for the Union Of Road Construction

called the meeting to order.

"Men -- we've agreed on a new deal with the
state.  We'll no
longer have to work FOUR days a week!"

"HOOORAY!!!" the crowd cheered.

"We'll quit work at 4PM and not 5PM!"

"HOORAY!!!" the crowd roared.

"We don't have to be in until 11AM instead of

"HOORAY!!!" the crowd thundered.

"And now, even though 99% of the roads in the
country are
blocked by orange barrels, we'll only have to
work on


A voice from the back of the room asks, "You mean, EVERY Wednesday?"

At one game, a lady kept up a steady flow of threats at the umpire.
No matter what was happening on the field, she kept
yelling,  "Kill the umpire!"

This went on for an hour.

Another patron said, "Lady, the umpire hasn't done anything wrong."

The woman said, "He`s my husband and he came homelast night with lipstick on his collar.

Kill the umpire!!"

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car

-- both
could barely see over the dashboard.  As they
were cruising
along they came to an intersection. The stoplight

was red but
they just went on through.  The woman in the
passenger seat
thought to herself "I must be losing it; I could
have sworn we
just went through a red light,"

After a few more minutes they came to another
and the light was red again and again they went
through.  This time the woman in the passenger
seat was
almost sure that the light had been red but was
concerned that she was losing it. She was getting

and decided to pay very close attention to the
road and the
next intersection to see what was going on.

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light
was definitely
red and they went right through and she turned to

the other
woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just
ran through
three red lights in a row! You could have killed

Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, am I driving?"

Computer Sales Jargon

Different color from previous design

Parts not interchangeable with previous design

Imported product

Almost as good as the competition

Manufacturer's cost cut to the bone

No provision for adjustments

The advertising agency doesn't understand it

Rush job; Nobody knew it was coming

Manufacturer lacks test equipment

Unit on which all parts fit

Factory had big argument with distributor

We finally got one that works

It's different from our competitors

We finally figured out a way to sell it

No other reason why it looks the way it does

A different shape and color than the others

Impossible to fix

Previous faults corrected, we hope...

Assembly machines operated without gloves on

Will operate through the warranty period

Ours, not yours

Gives a picture and produces noise

We made it work long enough to ship it

Old design failed, maybe this one will work

We got a good deal at a government auction

Nothing we ever had before worked THIS way

We finally got it to fit together

Manufacturer's, upon cashing your check

Does things we can't explain

One of our techs was laid off by Boeing

The jovial lawyer, rising to address a gathering after dinner, noticed that
in the audience was another gentleman who was well known as one of the
foremost after-dinner speakers in the nation.
The lawyer, striking an informal pose, with his jacket open and his hands in
his pockets, said, "How odd to see my good friend George in the audience,
demonstrating that a speaker can listen to someone else's words on
And from the audience, George cried out, "And how odd to see my good friend
Henry on the podium, demonstrating that a lawyer can have his hands in his
own pockets on occasion."

Laws of Slow People

1. Slow people always walk side by side, even if they don't
know each other.

2. They drive side by side, too. If they can't find
another slow driver to pair up with, they drive in the fast

3. Slow walkers never look back. When they drive, they
never look in their rearview mirrors, either.

4. Slow people drift sideways so they'll block the path of
anyone trying to pass them. If two people or vehicles are
trying to get around them at the same time, they drift into
the path of the one that is moving at the highest speed.

5. Follow behind a slow person in the grocery store and
you'll wind up with soggy ice cream every time.

Instructions for Microsoft's new TV dinner product:

You must first remove the plastic cover. By doing so you agree to
accept and honor Microsoft rights to all TV dinners. You may not
give anyone else a bite of your dinner (which would constitute an
infringement of Microsoft's rights). You may, however, let others
smell and look at your dinner and are encouraged to tell them how
good it is.

If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven.
Set the oven using these keystrokes: \mstv.dinn.5min@50%heat/
Then enter: ms/startcookdin/yummy\|/yum~yum:-)gohot#cookme.
If you have a Mac oven, insert the dinner and press start. The oven
will set itself and cook the dinner. If you have a Unix oven, insert
the dinner, enter the ingredients of the dinner (found on the
package label), the weight of the dinner, and the desired level of
cooking and press start. The oven will calculate the time and heat
and cook the diner exactly to your specification.

Many users have reported that the dinner tray is far too big, larger
than the dinner itself, having many useless compartments, most of
which are empty. These are for future menu items. If the tray is too
large to fit in your oven you will need to upgrade your equipment.

Dinners are only available from registered outlets, and only the
chicken variety is currently produced. If you want another variety,
call Microsoft Help and they will explain that you really don't want
another variety. Microsoft Chicken is all you really need.

Microsoft has disclosed plans to discontinue all smaller versions of
their chicken dinners. Future releases will only be in the larger
family size. Excess chicken may be stored for future use, but must
be saved only in Microsoft approved packaging.

Microsoft promises a dessert with every dinner after Dinner XP.
However, that version has yet to be released. Users have
permission to get thrilled in advance.

Microsoft dinners may be incompatible with other dinners in the
freezer, causing your freezer to self defrost. This is a feature,
not a bug. Your freezer probably should have been defrosted anyway.

& Married time don't count ?????

My grandmother, who lived in Tucson, was well-known for her
faith and lack of reticence in talking about it. She would go
out on the front porch and say, "Praise the Lord!"

Her next door neighbor would shout back, "There ain't no

During those days, my grandmother was very poor, so the
neighbor decided to prove his point by buying a large bag of
groceries and placing it at her door.

The next morning, Grandmother went to the porch and,
seeing the groceries, said, "Praise the Lord!"

The neighbor stepped out from behind a tree and said, "I brought those groceries, and there ain't no Lord."

Grandmother replied, "Lord, you not only sent me food but
you made the devil pay for it."

THE WIT WIZARD savagely exposes America's frauds, fools,
freaks & foibles, harpoons the hypocrites and punctures the pompous.
Free politically incorrect social satire weekly

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"All I've ever wanted was an honest week's pay for an honest
day's work." -Steve Martin in Sgt. Bilko (1996)

PIANO, n. A parlor utensil for subduing the impenitent vis-
itor. It is operated by depressing the keys of the machine
and the spirits of the audience.
[Taken from Ambrose Bierce's "Devil's Dictionary."]

A wild dog is running through the jungle. While wandering
about he notices a leopard heading in his direction with the
intention of having lunch. The dog thinks, "Boy, I'm in deep
trouble now."

Then he sees some bones on the ground close by, and immed-
iately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to
the approaching cat.

Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dog exclaims
loudly, "Man, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if
there are any more around here?"

Hearing this the leopard halts his attack in mid stride, and
he slinks away into the trees. "Whew", says the leopard.
"That was close. That dog nearly had me."

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene
from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to
good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So,
he goes chasing after the leopard.

But the dog saw him heading after the leopard with great
speed, and figured that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans
and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The cat is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here
monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to
that conniving canine."

Now the dog sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his
back, and thinks," What am I going to do now?"

But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to
his attackers pretending he hasn't seen them yet.

And just when they get close enough to hear, the dog says,
"Where's that monkey. I just can never trust him. I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard, and he's still not back!"

*------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ---------------*

I was browsing in a souvenir shop when the man next to me
struck up a conversation. He was telling me that his wife
was getting carried away with her shopping when a brief
electrical glitch caused the lights to flicker overhead.
"That must be her checking out now," he sighed.

"Prepare yourself for the world, as the athletes
used to do for their exercise; oil your mind and
your manners, to give them the necessary suppleness
and flexibility; strength alone will not do."
--Earl of Chesterfield

Love Stamps

A woman walks into a post office and notices
a middle-aged, well-dressed man standing at
the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps
on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them.
As he seals each envelop he sprays it
with a puff of perfume.

The woman's curiosity gets the better of her,
so she goes up to the man and asks what he is doing.

The man replies, "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine
cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?" she asks.

"Because I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.

"If it happes once, it's a problem.
If it happens twice, it's annoying.
If it happens three times, it's a pattern...
Fix the pattern."


(Why did I name it that when I usually write 3 or 4??
Go figure!!!)

To crisp and chill salad greens or coleslaw quickly,
place them in a metal bowl and put them in the freezer
for a few minutes. (Accent on FEW!!)

Unwaxed dental floss is a good choice for trussing or
tying up a turkey or chicken because it will not burn.

Storing cheese in a tightly covered container with a few
sugar cubes will keep it from molding as quickly.

Eggs should not be washed until ready for use because
they are protected with a soluble film which protects
the porous shell against bacteria.

By the time Ted arrived at the football game, the
first quarter was almost over. "Why are you so late?"
his friend asked.

 "I had to toss a coin to decide between going to
church and coming to the game."

"How long could that have taken you?"

"Well, I had to toss it 14 times."

& now your at the end of the letter, I hope that you enjoyed

The times on this one are 416 seconds for 28K modem,
247 seconds for 56k modem & 113 seconds for cable/dsl

thanks, David #