In addition to the old lines about "The check is in the mail"
and "Certainly, I'll respect you in the morning," modern events have
made for modern lies to take their place among the classics. Following
are some of the "new" classics:
- I never inhaled.
- I never
watch television except for PBS.
- I will be devoting my life to finding
the real killer of my wife Nicole and Ron Goldman.
- The engine is
supposed to make that noise.
- Just take a left after the lights -- you
can't miss it.
- I am married, but we're getting a divorce.
Don't worry, I can get another 40 miles when the gauge is
- Just ignore him -- he's never bitten anyone.
I've never done anything like this before.
- It's not the money, it's the
principle of the thing.
- You get this one and I'll pay next
- Nothing would please me more.
- Trust me.
Some new billboards are getting attention in Cleveland. Some reported seeing
one or two messages, but the newspaper listed all of them. Here's a list of
all variations of the "God Speaks" billboards. The billboards are a
simple black background with white text. No fine print or
sponsoring organization is included.
Let's meet at my house
Sunday before the game. --God
C'mon over and bring the kids.
What part of "Thou Shalt Not..." didn't you understand?
We need to talk. --God
Keep using my name in
vain, & I'll make rush hour longer. --God
Loved the wedding,
invite me to the marriage. --God
That "Love Thy Neighbor" thing...I
meant it. --God
I love you and you and you and you and...
Will the road you're on get you to my place?
Follow me. --God
Big bang theory, you've got to
be kidding. --God
My way is the highway. --God
you read my #1 best seller? There will be a test. --God
have any idea where you're going? --God
(And my personal
favorite...) Don't make me come down there. --God
POST, send to: Joke-Attack@yahoogroups.com
Football Chips from Seeker ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
take on it...
Two teams containing at least half the male population of
the Teams home
cities, divided into the "Fully erects" (can walk unaided)
and the "Semi erects" (can walk semi erect, not necessarily
One of the "Fully erects" is called the Quarterback (probably
is usually a quarter of the size of his semi erect
Another who gets to run (rush?) about a 100 yd's a game if not
captured and killed called a running back, one of the "Semi
Several fleet of foot "Fully erect" lads who can run like the
wind but can never seem to hide as the Quarterback keeps throwing the ball
at them thus alerting the "Semi erects" of the opposing team as to
The "Semi erects", a group of knuckle dragging
Neanderthal's who's only mission in life is to engage in ritual pushing and
shoving contests with
"Semi erects" on the opposing team and hunt down
and kill "Fully erects"
on the opposing team.
About 100 experts in
"Animal Control" on each team called the "Coaching Staff".
A bunch of
"Nancy boys" in Zebra suits who throw their handkerchiefs on the ground and
gesticulate wildly every time they get upset.
A whole tribe of "Fully
erects" and "Semi erects" who have not yet mastered more than one skill such
as kicking or just standing in other peoples way who run on and off when one
of the "Animal Control" experts calls the secret password "Special
The game of 1 hours duration is played over 4 or 5 hours in seven
bursts of ritual pushing and hunting and killing broken by many
breaks to remove dead and wounded and to calm down the "Nancy
Not sure how the game is decided, I think it must just be an
attrition thing, like when one side gets down to only half their team left
alive, say 40 or so players.
Any help in broadening my knowledge of
this "game" would be greatly appreciated.
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Many years ago a
Kentucky grandmother gave a new bride the following recipe for washing
1. Bilt fire in backyard to heat kettle of rain water. 2.
Set tubs so smoke wont blow in eyes if wind is pert. 3. Shave one hole cake
of lie soap in bilin water. 4. Sort things, make 3 piles. 1 pile white, 1
pile colored, 1 pile work britches and rags. 5. To make starch, stir flour
in cool water to smooth, then thin down with bilin water. 6. Take white
things, rub dirty spots on board, scrub hard, and then bile. Rub colored,
don't bile, just rinch and starch. 7. Take things out of kettle with
broomstick handle, then rinch, and starch. 8. Hang old rags on
fence. 9. Spread tea towels on grass. 10. Pore rinch water in flower
bed. 11. Scrub porch with hot soapy water. 12. Turn tubs upside
down. 13. Go put on clean dress, smooth hair with hair combs. Brew cup of
tea, sit and rock a spell and count your blessings.
)_)_)_)_)_)_)_)_)_)_)_)_) Hang this above your Automatic Washer, and when
things look bleak, read it again, and count YOUR blessings!
A driving examiner was giving a road test to a young man, and he went through
a red light without stopping. He told him that he had automatically failed
The examiner met up with his mother back at the office, and
explained what had happened. At first the mother was speechless. Then she
asked incredulously, "He ran a red light?"
"Well," persisted the mom, "how red was the light?"
A salesman was trying to talk a farmer into buying a bicycle, but was meeting
with considerable sales resistance.
"Shucks, I'd sooner spend my money on
a cow," said the farmer.
"Ah," replied the salesman, "but think how silly
you'd look riding around on a cow."
"Humph!" retorted the farmer. "Not
near as silly as I'd look trying to milk a bicycle!"
How to tell if your cat has learned your
You get e-mail flames from some guy
You find you've been subscribed to strange
egroups like friskykitty.com
Your web browser home page is now 'Kitty
Your mouse has teeth marks in it, and is hidden under the
You get e-mail messages from your neighbor concerning complaints
you never made about their dog.
Your keyboard has paw marks on it and
smells like tuna or catfood.
You find a program on your computer
called Kitty Play Ball.
In chatrooms you're known as the "Foxy
An elderly Jewish man is bumped by a car while crossing the street. He is
seemingly unhurt, but his wife persuades him to go to the doctor, just in
case. He returns home, and his wife says--"Nu, vos zogt der doktor?"
doktor zogt az ich hob a flucky." ["The doctor says I have
"Oy, gevalt! A flucky! Terrible! What do you do for a
"I don't know--he didn't say, and I forgot to ask." Well, by
this time the wife is in a state of high anxiety. She tells her neighbors
"My husband was hit by a car, and now he has a flucky! I don't know what
Neighbor #1 says, "In the old country, when someone had a
flucky, we always applied cold. Cold is the best thing for a
Neighbor #2 says, "What are you talking about? Cold is
absolutely the worst thing you could do for a flucky! We always applied heat,
that's the only thing to do for a flucky."
Cold, heat, oy! Now
thoroughly agitated, the wife decides to call the doctor herself. "Doctor,
please tell me, what's wrong with my husband?"
"I told him...nothing's
wrong. He got off lucky."
A blonde gets an opportunity to fly to a nearby
country. She has never been on an airplane anywhere and was very excited and
tense. As soon as she boarded the plane, a Boeing747, she started jumping in
excitement, running over seat to seat and starts shouting, "BOEING!
She sort of forgets where she is, even the
pilot in the cockpit hears the noise. Annoyed by the goings on, the Pilot
comes out and shouts "BE SILENT!"
There was pin-drop silence everywhere and
everybody is looking at the blonde and the angry Pilot. She stared at the
pilot in silence for a moment, concentrated really hard, and all of a sudden
started shouting, "OEING! OEING! OEING! OE...."
Father visiting America, from Europe, for the
very first time. Goes up & down the aisles with his son, at the local
Food Store. Dad: "Vas diss?? Powdered orange juice??"
Son: "Yeh, Dad. You just add a little water, and
you have fresh orange juice."
A few minutes later, in a different
aisle Dad: "Und vas dis?? Powdered milk?"
Son: "Yeh, Dad. You just add a little water, and
you have fresh milk!"
A few minutes later, in a different
aisle Dad: "Und give a look here!! Baby Powder !! Vat a country, vat a
find this tip & others of all sorts on the Sue's Corner Web
Our mother site ( G )
Image Properties In Microsoft Internet Explorer
6 You can obtain quite a bit of information from
Microsoft Internet Explorer 6. For example, if you right-click an image and
choose Properties, you can learn almost all you'd care to know about the image.
As an example, we checked an image on the MSN page. The Properties dialog box
showed the image address (URL) and that the type of image was JPEG. The image
size was 145 X 135 pixels, and its file size was 5542 bytes. When you're
finished with the dialog box just click OK. You can get image information in
Opera too. Right-click the image and choose Image Properties.
NO MORE KIDS! PLEASE!
After an overnight flight to meet
my father at his latest military assignment, my mother wearily arrived at
the Air Base with my eight siblings and me - all under age
Collecting our many suitcases, the ten of us entered the
cramped customs area. A young customs official watched our entourage in
disbelief, "Ma'am," he said, "do all these children and this luggage
belong to you?"
"Yes, sir," my mother said with a sigh. "They're
The customs agent began his interrogation: "Ma'am, do
you have any weapons, contraband or illegal drugs in your
"Sir," she calmly answered, "if I'd had any of those
items, I would have used them by now."
allowed us to pass without opening a single suitcase.
One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the rascally
behavior that was going on. He decided to send an angel down to Earth to
check it out. So he called one of His angels and sent the angel to
Earth for a time.
When she returned, she told God, "Yes, it is bad on
Earth; 95% are misbehaving and 5% are not."
He thought for a moment
and said, "Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another
opinion." So God called another angel and sent her to Earth for a time
When the angel returned she went to God and said, "Yes, the Earth is
in decline; 95% are misbehaving and 5% are being good."
not pleased. So He decided to E-mail the 5% that were good because He
wanted to encourage them and give them a little something to help
them keep going. Do you know what that E-mail
You didn't get one either,
Golfer: "I've played so poorly all day; I think I'm going to go drown myself
in that lake." Caddy: "I doubt you could keep your head down that
Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to be able to break 100 on
this course." Caddy: "Try heaven. You've already moved most of the
Golfer: "Well, I have never played this badly before! Caddy:
"I didn't realize you had played before, sir."
Golfer: "Caddy, do you
think my game is improving?" Caddy: "Oh yes, sir! You miss the ball much
closer than you used to."
Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch
all the time, caddy. It's distracting!" Caddy: "This isn't a watch, sir,
its a compass!"
Golfer: "Caddy, do you think it is a sin to play golf
on Sunday?" Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin any day of
Golfer: "This golf is a funny game." Caddy: "It's not
supposed to be."
Golfer: "That can't be my ball, caddy. It looks far
too old." Caddy: "It's a long time since we started, sir."
"Do you think I can get there with a 5-iron?" Caddy:
Golfer (screaming): "You've got to be the worst caddy
in the world!" Caddy: "I doubt it. That would be too much of
The arithmetic teacher had written 10.9 on the blackboard and had then rubbed
out the decimal point to show the effect of multiplying this number by
"Little Johnny," the teacher asked, "where is the decimal point
"On the eraser!" came back his quick reply.
A young man was walking past an old woman on a street corner, when she
said, "Son, if it is not too much trouble, can you see me across the
street." The young man said, "Just a minute." Then he walked across the
street, looked back and yelled, "Yes, I can see you!"
One night my husband, a retired Army colonel, was watching a program on TV
about paratroopers. As one D-Day jumper began to comment, Lee exclaimed,
"That's Jack Norton! I served in both Korea and Vietnam with him."
Then, after watching the man speak for a few moments, he quietly
remarked, "You know you're getting old when you have more friends on the
History Channel than in the news."
A man complained about having had two unhappy marriages. His first wife
divorced him and his second wife wouldn't.
My wife hasn't spoken
to me since the baby was born because of a little misunderstanding. She
called me at work and said her water had broken and I called the
Do you want to speak to the 'Man-In-Charge' or to
the woman who know's what's going on?"
It was testimony night in the church. A lady got up and said, "We are living
in a wicked land where sin is on every hand. I have had a terrible fight
with the old devil all week." Whereupon her husband, who was sitting
glumly by her side said, "It's not all my fault either; she's tough to get
Husband to wife: "I'm feeling so depressed today."
Wife: "Why, Honey?"
Husband: "It's just that sometimes I feel so alone and useless."
Wife: "Oh, you don't have to feel so alone. A lot of people think
& now your at the end of the letter, I hope that you enjoyed
The times on this one are 225 seconds for 28K modem, 134 seconds for 56k modem & 61 seconds for cable/dsl