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The News letter, 020206-2








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By the way, on some of the pictures, if you hover your pointer over the picture ya might find a comment from me on it,
now that I've learned how to do that.



Now its time for the show to start & I think we'll start now!!!!





Friends,This is one of those *.pps files



T-Shirt Quotes

Upon the Advice of My Attorney, My Shirt Bears No Message at This Time"

"That's It! I'm Calling Grandma!" (seen on an 8 year old)

"Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up"

"Procrastinate Now"

"Rehab Is for Quitters"

"My Dog Can Lick Anyone"

"I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts -- Do You Want Fries With That?"

"Party -- My Crib - Two A.M." (On a baby-size shirt)

"If a woman's place is in the home WHY AM I ALWAYS IN THIS CAR!"

"ALL MEN ARE IDIOTS, AND I MARRIED THEIR KING"

"A hangover is the wrath of grapes"

"STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP. Park elsewhere!"

"They call it "PMS" because "Mad Cow Disease" was already taken"

"He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead"

"POLICE STATION TOILET STOLEN......Cops have nothing to go on."

"HECK IS WHERE PEOPLE GO WHO DON'T BELIEVE IN GOSH"

"A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS--But it uses up a thousand times the
memory."

"Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."

"HAM AND EGGS - A day's work for a chicken; A lifetime commitment for a
pig."

"HARD WORK WILL PAY OFF LATER. LAZINESS PAYS OFF NOW!"

"The trouble with life is there's no background music."

"The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson."

"Two rights do not make a wrong. They make an airplane."

"MY WILD OATS HAVE TURNED TO SHREDDED WHEAT"

"Computer programmers don't byte, they nybble a bit."

"Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research."


Wanna go back in time ?

Decisions were made by going "eeny-meeny-miney-mo."

Mistakes were corrected by simply exclaiming, "do over!"

"Race issue" meant arguing about who ran the fastest.

Money issues were handled by the banker in "Monopoly."

Catching the fireflies could happily occupy an entire evening.

It wasn't odd to have two or three "best" friends.

War was a card game.

Water balloons were the ultimate weapon.

Baseball cards in the spokes turned a bike into a motorcycle.


"If a man could have half his wishes,
he would double his trouble."
- Benjamin Franklin


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MODERN LIES

In addition to the old lines about "The check is in the mail" and
"Certainly, I'll respect you in the morning," modern events have made
for modern lies to take their place among the classics. Following are
some of the "new" classics:

- I never inhaled.

- I never watch television except for PBS.

- I will be devoting my life to finding the real killer of my wife
Nicole and Ron Goldman.

- The engine is supposed to make that noise.

- Just take a left after the lights -- you can't miss it.

- I am married, but we're getting a divorce.

- Don't worry, I can get another 40 miles when the gauge is on
"empty."

- Just ignore him -- he's never bitten anyone.

- I've never done anything like this before.

- It's not the money, it's the principle of the thing.

- You get this one and I'll pay next time.

- Nothing would please me more.

- Trust me.








Some new billboards are getting attention in Cleveland. Some reported
seeing one or two messages, but the newspaper listed all of them. Here's
a list of all variations of the "God Speaks" billboards. The billboards
are
a simple black background with white text. No fine print or sponsoring
organization is included.

Let's meet at my house Sunday before the game. --God

C'mon over and bring the kids. --God

What part of "Thou Shalt Not..." didn't you understand? --God

We need to talk. --God

Keep using my name in vain, & I'll make rush hour longer. --God

Loved the wedding, invite me to the marriage. --God

That "Love Thy Neighbor" thing...I meant it. --God

I love you and you and you and you and... --God

Will the road you're on get you to my place? --God

Follow me. --God

Big bang theory, you've got to be kidding. --God

My way is the highway. --God

Have you read my #1 best seller? There will be a test. --God

Do you have any idea where you're going? --God

(And my personal favorite...) Don't make me come down there. --God



To POST, send to:
Joke-Attack@yahoogroups.com



Football Chips from Seeker
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Here's my take on it...

Two teams containing at least half the male population of the Teams home

cities, divided into the "Fully erects" (can walk unaided) and the
"Semi erects" (can walk semi erect, not necessarily unaided)

One of the "Fully erects" is called the Quarterback (probably because he

is usually a quarter of the size of his semi erect brethren)

Another who gets to run (rush?) about a 100 yd's a game if not captured
and killed called a running back, one of the "Semi erects".

Several fleet of foot "Fully erect" lads who can run like the wind but
can never seem to hide as the Quarterback keeps throwing the ball at
them thus alerting the "Semi erects" of the opposing team as to their
whereabouts.

The "Semi erects", a group of knuckle dragging Neanderthal's who's only
mission in life is to engage in ritual pushing and shoving contests with

"Semi erects" on the opposing team and hunt down and kill "Fully erects"

on the opposing team.

About 100 experts in "Animal Control" on each team called the "Coaching
Staff".

A bunch of "Nancy boys" in Zebra suits who throw their handkerchiefs on
the ground and gesticulate wildly every time they get upset.

A whole tribe of "Fully erects" and "Semi erects" who have not yet
mastered more than one skill such as kicking or just standing in other
peoples way who run on and off when one of the "Animal Control" experts
calls the secret password "Special Teams".

The game of 1 hours duration is played over 4 or 5 hours in seven second

bursts of ritual pushing and hunting and killing broken by many breaks
to remove dead and wounded and to calm down the "Nancy boys"

Not sure how the game is decided, I think it must just be an attrition
thing, like when one side gets down to only half their team left alive,
say 40 or so players.

Any help in broadening my knowledge of this "game" would be greatly appreciated.








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Washing Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Many years ago a Kentucky grandmother gave a new bride
the following recipe for washing clothes....

1. Bilt fire in backyard to heat kettle of rain water.
2. Set tubs so smoke wont blow in eyes if wind is pert.
3. Shave one hole cake of lie soap in bilin water.
4. Sort things, make 3 piles. 1 pile white, 1 pile colored, 1
pile work britches and rags.
5. To make starch, stir flour in cool water to smooth, then
thin down with bilin water.
6. Take white things, rub dirty spots on board, scrub hard,
and then bile. Rub colored, don't bile, just rinch and starch.
7. Take things out of kettle with broomstick handle, then
rinch, and starch.
8. Hang old rags on fence.
9. Spread tea towels on grass.
10. Pore rinch water in flower bed.
11. Scrub porch with hot soapy water.
12. Turn tubs upside down.
13. Go put on clean dress, smooth hair with hair combs. Brew
cup of tea, sit and rock a spell and count your blessings.

)_)_)_)_)_)_)_)_)_)_)_)_)
Hang this above your Automatic Washer, and when things look
bleak, read it again, and count YOUR blessings!


A driving examiner was giving a road test to a young
man, and he went through a red light without stopping.
He told him that he had automatically failed the test.

The examiner met up with his mother back at the
office, and explained what had happened. At first the
mother was speechless. Then she asked incredulously,
"He ran a red light?"

"Yes," he replied.

"Well," persisted the mom, "how red was the light?"


A salesman was trying to talk a farmer into buying a bicycle, but
was meeting with considerable sales resistance.

"Shucks, I'd sooner spend my money on a cow," said the farmer.

"Ah," replied the salesman, "but think how silly you'd look riding
around on a cow."

"Humph!" retorted the farmer. "Not near as silly as I'd look trying
to milk a bicycle!"


How to tell if your cat has learned your Internet
password.............

You get e-mail flames from some guy named "Fluffy."

You find you've been subscribed to strange egroups
like friskykitty.com

Your web browser home page is now 'Kitty Good Times'.

Your mouse has teeth marks in it, and is hidden under the sofa.

You get e-mail messages from your neighbor concerning
complaints you never made about their dog.

Your keyboard has paw marks on it and smells
like tuna or catfood.

You find a program on your computer called
Kitty Play Ball.

In chatrooms you're known as the "Foxy Feline."








An elderly Jewish man is bumped by a car while crossing the street.
He is seemingly unhurt, but his wife persuades him to go to the doctor,
just in case. He returns home, and his wife says--"Nu, vos zogt der doktor?"

"Der doktor zogt az ich hob a flucky." ["The doctor says I have a
flucky."]

"Oy, gevalt! A flucky! Terrible! What do you do for a flucky?"

"I don't know--he didn't say, and I forgot to ask." Well, by this time
the wife is in a state of high anxiety. She tells her neighbors "My
husband was hit by a car, and now he has a flucky! I don't know
what to do!"

Neighbor #1 says, "In the old country, when someone had a flucky,
we always applied cold. Cold is the best thing for a flucky."

Neighbor #2 says, "What are you talking about? Cold is absolutely the
worst thing you could do for a flucky! We always applied heat, that's
the only thing to do for a flucky."

Cold, heat, oy! Now thoroughly agitated, the wife decides to call the
doctor herself. "Doctor, please tell me, what's wrong with my husband?"

"I told him...nothing's wrong. He got off lucky."


A blonde gets an opportunity to fly to a nearby country. She has never
been on an airplane anywhere and was very excited and tense. As soon as
she boarded the plane, a Boeing747, she started jumping in excitement,
running over seat to seat and starts shouting, "BOEING! BOEING!!
BOEING!!!BO....."

She sort of forgets where she is, even the pilot in the cockpit hears
the noise. Annoyed by the goings on, the Pilot comes out and shouts "BE
SILENT!"
There was pin-drop silence everywhere and everybody is looking at the
blonde and the angry Pilot. She stared at the pilot in silence for a
moment, concentrated really hard, and all of a sudden started shouting,
"OEING! OEING! OEING! OE...."



Father visiting America, from Europe, for the very first time.
Goes up & down the aisles with his son, at the local Food Store.
Dad: "Vas diss?? Powdered orange juice??"
Son: "Yeh, Dad. You just add a little water, and you have fresh
orange juice."
A few minutes later, in a different aisle
Dad: "Und vas dis?? Powdered milk?"
Son: "Yeh, Dad. You just add a little water, and you have fresh milk!"
A few minutes later, in a different aisle
Dad: "Und give a look here!! Baby Powder !! Vat a country,
vat a country!"
from: Bob

Jokes, JPG's, GIF's, Sounds, Video Clips
and now the PARODY SONGS PAGE at
http://members.fortunecity.com/bwjokes/









find this tip & others of all sorts on the Sue's Corner Web Our mother site ( G )

Image Properties In Microsoft Internet Explorer 6
You can obtain quite a bit of information from Microsoft Internet Explorer 6. For example, if you right-click an image and choose Properties, you can learn almost all you'd care to know about the image. As an example, we checked an image on the MSN page. The Properties dialog box showed the image address (URL) and that the type of image was JPEG. The image size was 145 X 135 pixels, and its file size was 5542 bytes. When you're finished with the dialog box just click OK. You can get image information in Opera too. Right-click the image and choose Image Properties.



NO MORE KIDS! PLEASE!

After an overnight flight to meet my father at his latest military
assignment, my mother wearily arrived at the Air Base with my eight
siblings and me - all under age 11.

Collecting our many suitcases, the ten of us entered the cramped customs
area. A young customs official watched our entourage in disbelief,
"Ma'am," he said, "do all these children and this luggage belong to you?"

"Yes, sir," my mother said with a sigh. "They're all mine."

The customs agent began his interrogation: "Ma'am, do you have any
weapons, contraband or illegal drugs in your possession?"

"Sir," she calmly answered, "if I'd had any of those items, I would have
used them by now."

The official allowed us to pass without opening a single suitcase.


One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the rascally
behavior
that was going on. He decided to send an angel down to Earth to
check it
out.
So he called one of His angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time.

When she returned, she told God, "Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are
misbehaving and 5% are not."

He thought for a moment and said, "Maybe I had better send down a
second
angel to get another opinion." So God called another angel and sent
her to
Earth for a time too.

When the angel returned she went to God and said, "Yes, the Earth is
in
decline; 95% are misbehaving and 5% are being good."

God was not pleased. So He decided to E-mail the 5% that were good
because
He wanted to encourage them and give them a little something to help
them
keep going. Do you know what that E-mail said?

>

>

>

You didn't get one either, huh?


Golfer: "I've played so poorly all day; I think I'm going to
go drown myself in that lake."
Caddy: "I doubt you could keep your head down that long."

Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to be able to break 100
on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven. You've already moved most of the earth."

Golfer: "Well, I have never played this badly before!
Caddy: "I didn't realize you had played before, sir."

Golfer: "Caddy, do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Oh yes, sir! You miss the ball much closer than you
used to."

Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time,
caddy. It's distracting!"
Caddy: "This isn't a watch, sir, its a compass!"

Golfer: "Caddy, do you think it is a sin to play golf on
Sunday?"
Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin any day of the
week!"

Golfer: "This golf is a funny game."
Caddy: "It's not supposed to be."

Golfer: "That can't be my ball, caddy. It looks far too
old."
Caddy: "It's a long time since we started, sir."

Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5-iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually."

Golfer (screaming): "You've got to be the worst caddy in
the world!"
Caddy: "I doubt it. That would be too much of acoincidence!"








The arithmetic teacher had written 10.9 on the blackboard and had then
rubbed out the decimal point to show the effect of multiplying this
number by ten.

"Little Johnny," the teacher asked, "where is the decimal point now?"

"On the eraser!" came back his quick reply.


A young man was walking past an old woman on a street corner, when she said,
"Son, if it is not too much trouble, can you see me across the street."
The young man said, "Just a minute." Then he walked across the street,
looked back and yelled, "Yes, I can see you!"


One night my husband, a retired Army colonel, was
watching a program on TV about paratroopers. As one
D-Day jumper began to comment, Lee exclaimed, "That's
Jack Norton! I served in both Korea and Vietnam with him."

Then, after watching the man speak for a few moments,
he quietly remarked, "You know you're getting old when
you have more friends on the History Channel than in the news."


A man complained about having had two unhappy
marriages.
His first wife divorced him and his second wife
wouldn't.


My wife hasn't spoken to me since the baby was born
because of a little misunderstanding. She called me at
work and said her water had broken and I called the
plumber.


Do you want to speak to the 'Man-In-Charge'
or to the woman who know's what's going on?"


It was testimony night in the church. A lady got up
and said, "We are living in a wicked land where sin is
on every hand. I have had a terrible fight with the
old devil all week." Whereupon her husband, who was
sitting glumly by her side said, "It's not all my
fault either; she's tough to get along with."


Husband to wife: "I'm feeling so depressed today."

Wife: "Why, Honey?"

Husband: "It's just that sometimes I feel so alone
and useless."

Wife: "Oh, you don't have to feel so alone. A lot of
people think you're useless."








& now your at the end of the letter, I hope that you enjoyed

The times on this one are 225 seconds for 28K modem,
134 seconds for 56k modem & 61 seconds for cable/dsl

thanks, David #