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The News letter, 020206-1

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By the way, on some of the pictures, if you hover your pointer over the picture ya might find a comment from me on it,
now that I've learned how to do that.

Now its time for the show to start & I think we'll start now!!!!

========================= The Thieving Joker =========================
Stolen from: Bonehead-Of-The-Day
To sign up --> http://Bonehead.Oddballs.com
All materials written by Jerry Lerman are Copyright 2001 by Jerry
Lerman. All Rights Reserved.
==================== http://www.ThievingJoker.net ==================== The award goes to 47 students taking the third-year statistics course
at Simon Fraser University in British Columbia, Canada, who all handed
in the same paper for a pre-Christmas assignment, each apparently
believing that only they would be clever enough to have found it
somewhere for copying. They will all fail the course and may be

CBC (Canada) 7-Jan-02


Bonehead award three goes to a Chinese ship captain, Captain Zheng,
who narrowly missed two head-on collisions with other ships while he
steered his highly explosive tanker, holding 30,000 tons of aviation
fuel, up the English Channel in the WRONG direction, WITHOUT a map.

The French coast guard steered him to Dover whey they said they hoped
he would buy some maps.

He said he never sailed the English Channel before, and without the
maps, he didn't know where he was supposed to position his tanker.

Reuters via Yahoo News 28-Jan-02
<http://dailynews.yahoo.com/h/nm/20020128/od/navigation_dc_1.html> Or

Bonehead award four goes to two South African men who tried to pass
themselves off as real attorneys in a South African courtroom where
they were representing a man charged with assault. Apparently they
thought they had found a way to make some good money.

But their plan fell apart when they referred to the judge as "your
majesty," instead of "your honor," and when they asked the judge what
he meant by "previous convictions."

They've been arrested and will not be allowed to represent themselves
at their own trial.

The Star (South Africa) via The Independent (South Africa) 23-Jan-02
202701897M230280> or http://makeashorterlink.com/?I22B32A5


A Wellington, New Zealand, city councilor will probably keep his
computer behind a brick wall when he uses it ever since the CD ROM
exploded out of the family computer, flying more than 6 feet (2
meters) across the room.

"It sounded just like a .22 (rifle). The front of the CD drive blew
out and the CD came out after it."

Turns out that excessive vibrations caused by minute cracks and heat
in a CD, turning at 48x (7,200 kps) can cause such an explosion.

The Evening Post (New Zealand) via Stuff.co.nz 28-Jan-02
http://www.stuff.co.nz/inl/index/0,1008,1082943a11,FF.html or

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There are 70 ways to keep a woman happy:
One is to take her shopping. The rest is 69.


"Marge, I like my beer cold, my TV loud, and my homosexuals flaming."
---Homer Simpson

========================= The Thieving Joker =========================
Stolen from: PureHumour JokeList
To sign up --> http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/purehumour.html
==================== http://www.ThievingJoker.net ====================

Someone in our neighborhood put a huge sofa out by the curb for trash
collection. Since it was in good shape, many motorists slowed down for
a look. But when they saw how enormous it was, they'd leave.

Eventually a compact car pulled up, and two men got out. "This I've
got to see," I thought.

They removed the cushions, turned the sofa upside down, and shook it
hard. Then they picked up all the coins that tumbled out and drove off.

Last New Year's Eve, a lady stood up at the local pub and
said that it was time to get ready for the celebrations.

At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be
standing next to the one person who made his life worth

Well, it was kind of embarrassing. The bartender was almost
crushed to death.

*------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ---------------*

A group of American tourists were being guided  through an
ancient castle in Europe.

"This place," the guide told them, "is 600 years old.  Not
a stone in it has been touched, nothing altered, nothing
replaced in all those years."

"Wow," said one woman dryly, "they must have the same land-
lord I have."


1 (18 ounce) package refrigerated sugar cookie dough
1 (8 ounce) package cream cheese
1 cup confectioners' sugar
1 (16 ounce) can cherry pie filling
1 (8 ounce) container frozen whipped topping, thawed

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Roll the cookie dough to 1/4
inch thick and form it into a heart shape. Place the heart
shape on a cookie sheet. Bake at 350 degrees for 10 minutes,
or until the cookie is lightly brown on the edges. In a large
mixing bowl, mix cream cheese with confectioner's sugar.
Spread the mixture on cooled cookie dough. Cover with cherry
pie filling and whipped cream.

Yield: 12 Servings
Category: Desserts


2 1/2 cups heavy whipping cream
1/3 cup sugar
2 teaspoon vanilla extract

In a cold bowl, add these three ingredients and whip on medium
high speed until thick and smooth. Do not overmix. Place in
the refrigerator and cover until ready to use.

There was a small town nestled in a valley which
was powered
by a dam. One day, the dam broke and flooded the
Naturally everyone headed for higher ground. Once
reached higher ground, they began scanning the
area for
people or animals who needed help.

After a few hours of looking it seemed that every
one was
safe, except that there was this little straw hat
that would
bob down stream about a 50 yards and then bob
back up stream
50 yards. It would then move to the side and bob
down stream
and then back up stream... It kept repeating

Nobody could figure out why it was doing this.
After awhile
of pondering this, a young boy recalled his
Granddad saying
that come hell or high water he was going to get
the lawn

"You know those shows where people can call in
and vote on
different issues? Did you ever notice there's
always like
18 percent that say 'I don't know'? It costs 90
cents to call
up and vote--and they're voting 'I don't know.'

"Honey, I feel very strongly about this. Give me
the phone.
(Into phone)... 'I DON'T KNOW!' (Hangs up looking

"Sometimes you have to stand up for what you
believe you're
not sure about."
     ---Andy Rooney

A new preacher had just begun his sermon. He was
a little
nervous and about ten minutes into the talk his
mind went
blank. He remembered some advice they gave him in
school for when a situation like this arose --
repeat your
last point. Often this will help you remember
what should
come next. So he gave it a try.

"Behold, I come quickly," he said. Still his mind
was blank.
So he tried again, "Behold, I come quickly!"
Still nothing.

He tried once more, this time with so much
vehemence that he
tripped over his microphone wire and fell off the
right into the lap of a little old lady in the
front row.

The young preacher was very embarrassed and tried
apologize, and the woman replied, "That's all
right, young
man. It was my fault...I should have gotten out
of the way.
You told me three times you were coming!"

After a young couple brought their new baby home,
the wife
suggested that her husband should try his hand at

"I'm busy," he said. "I'll do the next one."

The next time came around and she asked again.
The husband
narrowed his eyes as he looked at his wife. "I
didn't mean the
next diaper. I meant the next baby."

(1) "Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman
don't like and just give her a house." * Steven Seagal

(2) "The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a
desirable job.  But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun
with it.  At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house."
* Jeff Foxworthy

(3) "See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and
only enough blood to run one at a time." * Robin Williams

(4) "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving
infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even
considering if there is a man on base." * Dave Barry

(5) "What do people mean when they say the computer went down on them?
* Marilyn Pittman

(6) "Relationships are hard.  It's like a full time job, and we
should treat it like one.  If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to
leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice.  There should be
severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find
you a temp."
* Bob Ettinger

(7) "My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in
the lake and threw her off the boat.  I said, 'Mom, they weren't
trying to teach you how to swim." * Paula Poundstone

(8) "A study in the Washington Post says that women have better
verbal skills than men.  I just want to say to the authors of that
study: Uh, duh!"
* Conan O'Brien

(9) "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?  I'm halfway
through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my Goodness.  I could be
eating a slow learner."
* Lynda Montgomery

(10) "The day I worry about cleaning my house is the day Sears comes
out with a riding vacuum cleaner."
* Roseanne

(11) "I think that's how Chicago got started.  A bunch of people in
New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it
just isn't cold enough.  Let's go west.'"
* Richard Jeni

(12) "If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the
impersonators would be dead."
* Johnny Carson

(13) "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
* Paul Rodriguez

(14) "My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned
sixty, and that's the law."
* Jerry Seinfeld

(15) "In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up
quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest.  What is the
logic?  Do tall people burn slower?"
* Warren Hutcherson

(16) "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many.  Monogamy is the
*Oscar Wilde

(17) "Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an
institution yet."
* Mae West

(18) "Suppose you were an idiot.  .  .  And suppose you were a member
of Congress .  .  .  But I repeat myself."
* Mark Twain

(19) "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student.  At
least they can find Kuwait."
* A.  Whitney Brown

(20) "Ah, yes, divorce .  .  .  from the Latin word meaning to rip
out a man's genitals through his wallet," * Robin Williams

(21) "Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it
as the only time of the month that I can be myself."
* Roseanne

(22) "You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give
you a look that says, 'My God, you're right!  I never would've
thought of that!'"
* Dave Barry

(23) "If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten."
* George Carlin

(24) "When I die, I want to die like my grandmother who died
peacefully in her sleep.  Not screaming like all the passengers in
her car."
* Author Unknown

(25) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a
headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" 
and "Keep away from children"

(26) "Oh, you hate your job?  Why didn't you say so?  There's a
support group for that.  It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the
* Drew Carey

Kelly Davies, 23, a resident of Las Vegas, was visiting her in-laws in Los Angeles, and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head. One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Kelly's eyes were now open, and she looked -- very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Kelly replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.

The man called the paramedics who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Kelly refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Kelly had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head.

A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She had initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.

And, yes, Kelly is a blonde.

"Where to Place Them"

Take the prospective employees you are trying to place and
put them  in a room with only a table and two chairs. Leave
them alone for two  hours, without any instruction. At the
end of that time, go back and  see what they are doing.

 If they have taken the table apart, put them in Engineering.

 If they are counting the butts in the ashtray, assign them to Finance.

 If they are waving their arms and talking out loud, send them to

 If they are talking to the chairs, Personnel is a good spot for them.

 If they are wearing green sunglasses and need a haircut, Computer
Information Systems is their niche.

 If the room has a sweaty odour, perhaps they're destined for the Help Desk.

 If they mention what a good price we got for the table and chairs,
put them into Purchasing.

If they mention that hardwood furniture DOES NOT come from
rainforests, Public Relations would suit them well.

If they are sleeping, they are Management material.

If they are writing up the experience, send them to the
Technical Documents team.

If they don't even look up when you enter the room, assign
them to Security.

 If they try to tell you it's not as bad as it looks, send them to Marketing.

Collards is green, my dog's name is Blue
and I'm so lucky to have a sweet thang like you.

Yore hair is like cornsilk a-flapping in the breeze.
Softer than Blue' and without all those fleas

You move like the bass, which excite me in May.
You ain't got no scales but I luv you anyway.

Yo're as satisfy'n as okry jist a-fry'n in the pan.
Yo're as fragrant as "snuff" right out of the can.

You have some'a yore teeth, for which I am proud;
I hold my head high when we're in a crowd.

On special occasions, when you shave under yore arms,
well, I'm in hawg heaven, and awed by yore charms.

Still them fellers at work, they all want to know,
what I did to deserve such a purdy, young doe.

Like a good roll of duct tape yo're there fer yore man,
to patch up life's troubles and fix what you can.

Yo're as cute as a junebug a-buzzin' overhead.
You ain't mean like those far ants I found in my bed.

Cut from the best cloth like a plaid flannel shirt,
you spark up my life more than a fresh load of dirt.

When you hold me real tight like a padded gunrack,
my life is complete; Ain't nuttin' I lack.

Yore complexion, it's perfection, like the best vinyl sidin'.
Despite all the years, yore age, it keeps hidin'.

Me 'n' you's like a Moon Pie with a RC cold drank,
we go together like a skunk goes with stank.

Some men, they buy chocolate for Valentine's Day;
They git it at Wal-Mart, it's romantic that way.

Some men git roses on that special day
from the cooler at Kroger. "That's impressive," I say.

Some men buy fine diamonds from a flea market booth.
"Diamonds are forever," they explain, suave and couth.

But for this man, honey, these won't do.
Cause yor'e too special, you sweet thang you.

I got you a gift, without taste nor odor,
more useful than diamonds...... IT'S A NEW TROLL'N MOTOR !!

One night in Paris, an American tourist dropped into a
sidewalk cafe late one night and, after a couple of
drinks, realized he was the last person in the bar
except for a chap sleeping at one of the tables.

The man called the proprietor over and asked for his

"Would monsieur care for another drink?" asked the

"No thanks, I imagine you want to close up. Why don't
you send that other fellow home?"

"Well, I should," said the other. Then, with Gallic
logic, he added, "But each time I wake him up he asks
for the bill and pays it again."

& now your at the end of the letter, I hope that you enjoyed

The times on this one are 129 seconds for 28K modem,
77 seconds for 56k modem & 35 seconds for cable/dsl

thanks, David #