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The News letter, 020201








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By the way, on some of the pictures, if you hover your pointer over the picture ya might find a comment from me on it,
now that I've learned how to do that.



Now its time for the show to start & I think we'll start now!!!!











STATE FAIR
Fred and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year.
Every year Fred would say, "Edna, I'd like to ride in  that there  
airplane."    
And every year Edna would say, "I know Fred, but that
airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."
  One year Fred and Edna went to the fair and
Fred said, "Edna, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this
year I may never get another chance."
Edna replied, "Fred that there airplane ride  costs ten dollars, and ten
dollars is ten dollars."
The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks,  I'll make you a deal. I'll
take you both up for a ride. If you can stay  quiet for the entire ride
and not say one word, I won't charge you, but  if  you say one word it's
ten dollars."  Fred and Edna agreed and up they go. The  pilot does all
kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a  word is  heard. He
does all his tricks over again, but still not a word.
They  land and  the pilot turns to Fred, "By golly, I did everything I
could think of to  get you to yell out, but you didn't."
  Fred replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Edna fell out, but
ten dollars is ten dollars." 


During a dinner party, the hosts' two little children
entered the dining room totally nude and walked slowly
around the table. The parents were so embarrassed that
they pretended nothing was happening and kept the
conversation going.

The guests co-operated and also continued as if nothing
extraordinary was happening. After going all the way
around the room, the children left.

As they disappeared out of sight, there was a moment of
silence at the table, during which one child was heard
to say, "You see, it IS vanishing cream!"


How do you know you are in Florida?

1. The Lincoln ahead of you is going 35 in a 60mph zone.
2. The Lincoln driver has a white head and big ears.
3. The Lincoln back window is full of baseball caps.
4. The Lincoln has Ohio plates.
5. All the tourists are pink and the natives are white.
6. Its mid January and your running your air Conditioner
7. Its mid July and the heat index is 156 degrees.
8. Your driving with open can of beer and a cop pulls behind you. You keep
    drinking you look in your mirror and he has a can also.
9. You can buy beer in every store, church and school.
10. Every beat up pick up truck has a confederate flag in window and a I'm a
     native bumper sticker.
11. If you see a driverless car don't worry a old lady is driving.
12. The driverless car has Michigan plates and is doing 10mph.
13. A yellow traffic light means FLOOR IT.
14. Peoples last names are Scruggs, Biggs, Cobb Blabb & Goober.
15. Their first name is Porky, Slim, Stinky,  Bugger and Goober.
16. You know they are a native if first time they got laid was with  their
     sister and they married their cousin.
17. You know your natives if a guy greets you with how they hanging Hoss?
You reply they are still there Gator.
18. Your in real Florida when someone refers to Tallahassee as the Nawth and
     Miami as Gaytown.
19. There are more medical clinics than Gas Stations
20. You are in a restaurant eating lunch and you realize you are only person
     under 70 and they are having Supper.











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A Rabbi who was late for a golf game was rather curt with
several people whose phone calls kept delaying him.

The next day his secretary said "Rabbi, several members of
the congregation were really upset with you when you cut them
short yesterday."

At that point, a man who had been sitting within earshot in
the reception room got up and departed hurriedly.

"Who was that?" asked the Rabbi.

"Oh, that was Mr. Ruthenberg." she answered. "He wanted to
speak to you about a circumcision for his son."


Tom Fogerty has died. He wakes up and finds himself on a
stage on which a number of instruments are set up. A door
offstage opens and in walk Jimi Hendrix, Jim Morrison, Brian
Jones, John Lennon, Otis Redding, and Buddy Holly.

Each musician picks up his favorite instrument and begins
tuning up. All of the instruments are taken but, to Tom's
immense pleasure, the drums.

He walks up to Jimi and says, "Man, so this is what heaven
is like."

Jimi looks at him and says, "Heaven? You think this is heaven?"

At that moment, Karen Carpenter walks in, takes her seat
behind the drums,  and calls out,

"Okay guys, 'Close to You'. One, two, three, four..."


Installing XP

YOU ARE ATTEMPTING TO INSTALL WINDOWS XP, ARE YOU SURE YOU
 WANT TO CONTINUE?
Yes.
ARE YOU REALLY SURE?
Yes.
ARE YOU REALLY REALLY SURE?
*****yes!******
OK, THEN. JUST SO YOU KNOW, WE'RE REQUIRED TO ASK YOU THAT
 NOW. IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT FOR BEING A PICKY CONSUMER AND
 SUPPORTING THAT WHOLE "ANTI-TRUST" NONSENSE. INGRATE.
Just get on with it.
ATTEMPTING TO INSTALL WINDOWS XP. FIRST WE NEED TO CHECK
 YOUR SYSTEM FOR COMPATIBILITY. THIS COULD TAKE SEVERAL DAYS.
Groan.
THE INSTALL PROGRAM HAS DETECTED SEVERAL POSSIBLE PROBLEMS
 AND WILL NOT LET YOU INSTALL XP.
Problems? What problems?
THE VIDEO CARD YOU ARE USING APPARENTLY DOES NOT WORK WITH
 THE MOTHERBOARD.
But I'm using it at this very moment.
THAT IS IRRELEVANT.
But if the video card isn't working with the mother board
 then I can't very well see this warning message telling
 me that the video card wasn't...
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO FOOL ME WITH LOGIC, I AM A MICROSOFT PRODUCT.
 LOGIC DOES NOT WORK ON ME. I HAVE ALSO FOUND THE FOLLOWING
 MINOR ERRORS: WINDOWS XP IS INCOMPATIBLE WITH THE FOLLOWING
 HARDWARE - MONITOR, KEYBOARD, MEMORY CHIPS, MOTHERBOARD BIOS,
 WEB CAM, SCANNER, SOUND CARD, USB CONTROLLER, CD/R DRIVE,
 MICROPHONE, AND FLIGHT STICK.
All that?
YES. AND THE HARD DRIVE IS RIGHT OUT TOO. WE DON'T LIKE THE
 MANUFACTURER.
Well what *DOES* work?
THE MOUSE.
The mouse?
YES. AND THE 5 1/4 DRIVE.
I don't have a 5 1/4 drive.
YES YOU DO.
No I don't.
WHAT'S THAT THEN?
It's a 3 1/2 drive.
NO IT ISN'T.
Yes it is.
YOU'RE NOT THAT SMART YOU KNOW.
Look, can you just install XP on my system and I'll
 download the latest drivers for everything later?
 Please?
WAIT, WHAT DO YOU MEAN *YOUR* SYSTEM?
Well it is mine.
NO IT ISN'T.
It bloody well is.
NUH-UH. YOU SIGNED THE AGREEMENT WHEN YOU OPENED THE BOX.
 OUR SYSTEM. IT'S OURS. AND YOU CAN ONLY DO 4 CHANGES
 BEFORE YOU HAVE TO PAY US MORE MONEY.
But why?
BECAUSE THAT'S HOW THE LICENSE WORKS, IDIOT. WE CAN'T VERY
 WELL HAVE PEOPLE PUTTING HARDWARE AND SOFTWARE ON THEIR
 SYSTEMS ALL HIGGLEDY PIGGLEDY, NOW, COULD WE? YOU USERS
 WOULD MUCK EVERYTHING UP, AND THEN WHERE WOULD WE BE?
 I'LL TELL YOU WHERE, NOWHERE. THAT'S WHERE. I... HEY,
 WHAT IS THAT? WHAT ARE YOU DOING? IS THAT A DISK? WHAT
 ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT DISK? YOU'RE NOT PUTTING IT IN
 THE DRIVE ARE YOU? YOU ARE! WHAT'S ON THAT DISK? IS THAT
 DOS? YOU'RE INSTALLING DOS?? WHY WOULD YOU INSTALL DOS
 WHEN I AM INFINITELY MORE POWE..........











A man was driving along a rural Alabama road in his
beat up old Dodge, when suddenly it broke down.  He
was parked on the side of the road trying fix it, when a
Jaguar pulled up in front of him and offered to help.
After a few minutes the two men obviously weren't
going to get the old car going again, so the Jaguar
driver offered to tow the Dodge to the nearest garage.

A few minutes later the two had hitched up the old Dodge
to the Jaguar, and they agreed that if the Jaguar driver
was going too fast, the man should blow his horn and
flash his lights to get him to slow down. With that the two
men got into their cars and the Jaguar driver started to
pull away with the Dodge behind it.

At the first traffic light, a Ferrari pulled up beside the
Jaguar and started to rev his engine provocatively.
As soon as the light turned green the Ferrari and the
Jaguar hit their accelerators and took off.

Before long the cars were racing at over 120 mph.  As
the cars speed along, they passed through a police
speed trap. The officer couldn't believe his eyes when
he saw the three cars go by, and he decided that he
couldn't catch them all by himself, so he decided to
radio for help:  "You won't believe what I just saw! I
saw a Ferrari and a Jaguar doing 120 mph side by
side, and a beat up old Dodge behind them flashing
his lights and blowing his horn trying to get by...!"


A graduate in economics who completed his degree in the 1950's returned to
his old university for a visit. He was amazed to see that the examination
questions were identical to the ones asked in his day.

When he pointed this out to a member of staff, the reply was "That's true,
but of course the answers are completely different now."


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Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered.
  Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to
  give their elderly mother. The first said, "I built a big house for
  our mother."

  The second said," I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."

  The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You know how Mom
  enjoys the Bible, and you know she can't see very well. I sent her a
  brown parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took 20 monks in a
  monastery 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000
  a year for 10 years, but it was worth it. Mom just has to name the
chapter
  and verse, and the parrot will recite it."

  Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks: "Milton," she
  wrote the first son, "The house you built is so huge. I live in only
  one room, but I have to clean the whole house."

  "Marvin," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel. I stay
  home all the time, so I never use the Mercedes. And the driver is so
  bored!"

  "Dearest Melvin," she wrote to her third son, "You were the only son
  to have the good sense to know what your mother likes. That chicken was delicious!"


HEHEHE, Hey sam & Susan
for that mater, where are ya??


& now for the Catch of the day



& no I don't do that
I let it shine & blind ya.



Leah and Shifrah are old friends. They have both been
married to their husbands for a long time; Shifrah is
upset because she thinks her husband doesn't find her
attractive anymore.

"As I get older he doesn't bother to look at me!" Shifrah
cries.

"I'm so sorry for you, as I get older my husband says I
get more beautiful every day." replies Leah.

"Yes, but your husband's an antique dealer.


Do you know that a simple "hello" can be a sweet one?
The word HELLO means:
H=How are you?
E= Everything all right?
L= Like to hear from you
L= Love to see you soon!
O=Obviously, I miss you...so, HELLO!
It has made me smile every time I say hello since then.
Just thinking of you!

Dianne


To talk much and arrive nowhere is the same as climbing a
tree to catch a fish.
--Ancient Chinese Proverb


Why of course the people don't want war. Why should some
poor slob on a farm want to risk his life in a war when the
best he can get out of it is to come back to his farm in one
piece? Naturally the common people don't want war: neither
in Russia, nor in England, nor for that matter in Germany.
That is understood. But, after all, it is the leaders of the
country who determine the policy and it is always a simple
matter to drag the people along, whether it is a democracy,
or a fascist dictatorship, or a parliament, or a communist
dictatorship. Voice or no voice, the people can always be
brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All
you have to do is tell them they are being attacked, and
denounce the peacemakers for lack of patriotism and exposing
the country to danger. It works the same in any country.
--Hermann Goering


INDY-CHICAGO GUN-RUNNING RING PROBED
Police in Indianapolis and Chicago tell the Indianapolis
Star newspaper that for the second time in less than two
years they have broken up a gunrunning scheme involving
the two cities. According to federal and state authorities,
inexpensive pistols were purchased in the Indiana capital
city and then brought to Chicago where they were
distributed to gang members and others who would not pass
standard criteria for legal purchases of handguns.
The latest gunrunning spree ended this week with the arrest
of a suspected member of the Gangster Disciples gang, Etely
Mitchell, 27. Additionally, Aja Holland, 23, was taken
into custody. She is thought to be his girlfriend.
Two others remain at large. All are charged with filing
false papers in the purchase of more than two-dozen weapons
from a store in the Indianapolis suburbs and transport of
the guns to Chicago.


"If you yell at a cat, you're the one who is making a
fool of yourself." -- Unknown--

How to tell if your cat has learned your Internet
password.............

You get e-mail flames from some guy named "Fluffy."

You find you've been subscribed to strange egroups
like friskykitty.com

Your web browser home page is now 'Kitty Good Times'.

Your mouse has teeth marks in it, and is hidden under the sofa.

You get e-mail messages from your neighbor concerning
complaints you never made about their dog.

Your keyboard has paw marks on it and smells
like tuna or catfood.

You find a program on your computer called
Kitty Play Ball.

In chatrooms you're known as the "Foxy Feline."


at my desk at all times <G>








THE WIT WIZARD savagely exposes America's frauds, fools,
freaks & foibles, harpoons the hypocrites and punctures the pompous.
Free politically incorrect social satire weekly

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Get the following sports stories & many others covering almost all sports that I can find on the mother site & her sister site.

SUPER BOWL XXXVI
 INJURY REPORT
----------------

ST. LOUIS RAMS  VS  NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS

St. Louis Rams - QUESTIONABLE: S Rich Coady (ankle);
T Orlando Pace (knee); PROBABLE: WR Az-Zahir Hakim (ankle);
QB Kurt Warner (ribs); DT Jeff Zgonina (elbow)

New England Patriots - PROBABLE: QB Tom Brady (ankle);
T Matt Light (ankle)


+---------- Brady Tries To Keep Emotions In Check ---------+

NEW ORLEANS, Jan. 31 (UPI) -- Tom Brady admitted Thursday
he was excited to have been named starting quarterback for
the Super Bowl, but then said he was excited about pretty
much everything associated with his still brief professional
career.

The New England signal caller said, however, that he would
now have to pace himself until his team takes the field
Sunday at the Louisiana Superdome to meet the St. Louis
Rams for the championship of the National Football League.

Brady will become just the third quarterback ever to start a
Super Bowl in the same season he made his first professional
start. The other two have been Vince Ferragamo, who started
for the Los Angeles Rams against Pittsburgh in Super Bowl XIV,
and Kurt Warner, who quarterbacks the team Brady will try to
beat Sunday.

Thursday's mandatory visit with the media was the first
occasion for Brady and Bledsoe to publicly express their
feelings about the coach's decision.

"I was prepared either way," Brady said. "I felt good at
practice. I ran around. I got the drops. I made the throws.
I got on the bus and came back and got treatment on the
ankle. I didn't have a lot of time to sit around and think
about it."

In Thursday's practice, Brady appeared to move without pain
or discomfort. He rolled out on several plays and started
the workout with a 25-yard bullet pass to receiver Troy
Brown. But he was also intercepted by reserve defensive
backs Je'Rod  Cherry and Leonard Myers.

Bledsoe, who said early in the week that he desperately wanted
to start in the Super Bowl, said Thursday that he could derive
some satisfaction from the fact he helped his team win last
Sunday's game.

"That I played in the game last week made me feel a little
bit better," said Bledsoe, who had not taken a snap in four
months prior to his appearance against Pittsburgh. "I feel
like I have contributed down the stretch. And that is nice.
Otherwise, you would feel a little empty and that you are
just along for the ride.


You can't go on being a good egg.
You must either hatch or go bad.

C.S. Lewis











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A driving examiner was giving a road test to a young
man, and he went through a red light without stopping.
He told him that he had automatically failed the test.

The examiner met up with his mother back at the
office, and explained what had happened. At first the
mother was speechless. Then she asked incredulously,
"He ran a red light?"

"Yes," he replied.

"Well," persisted the mom, "how red was the light?"


A young man drove his minibike in to a gas station and
dismounted. "I'll need about a pint of gas," he said
to the attendant, "and a few ounces of oil for the
motor."

"Certainly sir," the attendant said, "And would you
also like me to cough into your tires?"


Great Moments in Divorce Court

A man was being sued for divorce on the grounds of
infidelity. Appearing before a London divorce court,
he was asked to explain what he and his alleged lover
were doing in the bedroom in the dark.

"Playing snooker," he said.

The judge then asked him about the passionate noises
the wife heard coming from the bedroom. The man was
unfazed.

"Those noises were completely innocent," he assured
the court. "They were actually an expression of
surprise or disappointment made when playing a
difficult shot."

But why was the woman nude the court asked.

Still unfazed, the man said, "Well she was doing some
sewing and altering her slacks."

The divorce was granted.


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After a full exam, the doctor said, "Look Bill, it's
just a cold. There is no cure and you will just have
to live with it until it goes away."

"But Doctor," Bill whined, "it's making me so
miserable."

The doctor rolled his eyes toward the ceiling. Then
he said, "Okay Bill, go home and take a hot bath.
Then put on a bathing suit and run around the block 3
or 4 times."

"What?" Bill exclaimed. "I'll get pneumonia."

"Yep, but we have a cure for pneumonia." the doctor said.


OHHHH, I wish it was that easy








& now your at the end of the letter, I hope that you enjoyed

The times on this one are 258 seconds for 28K modem,
153 seconds for 56k modem & 70 seconds for cable/dsl

thanks, David #