* The annual breast
exam is conducted at Hooter's * Directions to the Dr's office include
"Take a left when you enter the trailer park" * The tongue
depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles * The only proctologist lists
his address as Rotorooter * The Lone Star Bar and Grill is an approved
pharmacy * Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave
to Goodwill last month * Preventive Care Coverage includes "an
apple a day" * Your Prozac comes in colors and has little "m"s on each
pill * The only 100% covered expense is embalming
And the best one: *Your Viagra prescription includes a popsicle stick
and some duct tape.
ANOTHER MOMENT TO
doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
WHEN THE WORLD SAYS, "NO!"
When Henry Ward Beecher was a young boy in
school, he learned a lesson in self-confidence, which he never forgot. He was
called upon to recite in front of the class. He had hardly begun when the
teacher interrupted with an emphatic, "No!" He started over and again the
teacher thundered, "No!" Humiliated, Henry sat down.
The next boy rose
to recite and had just begun when the teacher shouted, "No!" This student,
however, kept on with the recitation until he completed it. As he sat down,
the teacher responded, "Very good!"
Henry was irritated. "I recited
just as he did," he complained to the teacher.
But the instructor
replied, "It is not enough to know your lesson, you must be sure. When you
allowed me to stop you, it meant that you were uncertain. If all the world
says, 'No!' it is your business to say, 'Yes!' and prove it."
world says, "No!" in a thousand ways:
"No! You can't do
"No! You are wrong."
"No! You are too old."
are too young."
"No! You are too weak."
"No! It will never
"No! You don't have the education."
"No! You don't have the
"No! You don't have the money."
"No! It can't be
And each "No!" you hear has the potential to erode
your confidence bit by bit until you quit altogether. Though the
world says, "No!" to you today, will you determine to say, "Yes!"
and prove it?
***From "One Minute Can Change a Life" by Steve
Goodier*** Remember as you walk through your life today, under whose
authority are you functioning under? It is a heavy question, not meant
for quick thought.
We have all been to those meetings where someone wants over 100 percent. How
about achieving 103 percent? Here's a little math that might prove helpful
in the future. What makes life 100 percent?
A B C D E F G H I
J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
K N O W L E D G E 11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = 96% only
A T T I T U D E 1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100 %
And, B U L L S H I T 2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 = 103%
So, it stands to reason that hard work and knowledge will get you
close, but attitude and bullshit will put you over the top.
Don't look at me, don't talk to me. I am a Grumpy Gus today. I can't be
held responsible for what I may do or say.
My problem is quite simple
really. My point of consternation. It began when I woke up to
see, FROZEN PRECIPITATION!!!
Others think it wonderful, this
blanket of pure white. Somehow I don't get much joy, from this pure,
So, consider this a warning! Just leave me to my
woes. I will likely always be this way, When it &$%#*@ snows!!!!
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A guy comes home completely drunk one night. He lurches through the door and
is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy. "Where the
hell have you been all night?" she demands.
"At this fantastic new bar,"
he says. "The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden. It's got huge golden
doors, a golden floor, the works - hell, even the urinal's
The wife still doesn't believe his story, and the next day checks
the phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon. She
calls up the place to check her husband's story.
"Is this the Golden
Saloon?" she asks when the bartender answers the phone. "Yes it is,"
bartender answers. "Do you have huge golden doors?" "Sure do." "Do you
have golden floors?" "Most certainly do." "What about golden
urinals?" There's a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender
yelling, "Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that peed in your
saxophone last night!"
Herbert Peach of Jackson, Kentucky bragged to his neighbors that he had
thought of a unique way of "fishing" in his backyard pond. He claimed that if
he rigged up a live electrical cable and dropped the end into the water, the
nearby fish would be shocked and he could run out and collect
The problem is, it worked...up to a point. The fish were shocked
on his maiden try and so was Mr. Peach who forgot to turn off the 220 volt
line before scampering into the water to collect them. Authorities also
reported that the electrical generator used to power the " fishing
expedition" was reported as stolen from the local farm co-op.
Peach's funeral arrangements will be announced shortly.
AS THE BUS pulled away, I realized I had left my purse under the seat. Later
I called the company and was relieved that the driver had found my bag. When
I went to pick it up, several off-duty bus drivers surrounded me. One man
handed me my pocketbook, two typewritten pages and a box containing the
contents of my purse. "We're required to inventory lost wallets and
purses," he explained. "I think you'll find everything there." As I started
to put my belongings back into the pocketbook, the man continued, "I hope
you don't mind if we watch. Even though we all tried, none of us could
fit everything into your purse. And we'd like to see just how you do
-- Contributed to Reader's Digest "Life In These United States"
by Laurian S. Harshman
Sue, this is the one you kept hearing me say AMEN too
SENIOR CITIZENS: At a nursing home in Miami, Florida, a group of Senior
Citizens were sitting around talking about their ailments: "My arms are
so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one. "Yes, I know. My
cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee," replied another. "I
can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a third, to
which several nodded weakly in agreement. "My blood pressure pills make me
dizzy," ... another went on. "I guess that's the price we pay for getting
old," winced an old man as he slowly shook his head. Then there was a
short moment of silence. "Well, it's not that bad," said one woman
cheerfully. "Thank God we can all still drive."
Why of course the people don't want war. Why should some poor slob on a farm
want to risk his life in a war when the best he can get out of it is to come
back to his farm in one piece? Naturally the common people don't want war:
neither in Russia, nor in England, nor for that matter in Germany. That is
understood. But, after all, it is the leaders of the country who determine
the policy and it is always a simple matter to drag the people along, whether
it is a democracy, or a fascist dictatorship, or a parliament, or a
communist dictatorship. Voice or no voice, the people can always
be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you have to do
is tell them they are being attacked, and denounce the peacemakers for lack
of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same in any
country. --Hermann Goering
HYUNDAI EXECS SEARCH FOR PLANT SITE The Cincinnati area has become the latest
to be visited by executives from Hyundai who are looking for a suitable site
for a new North American auto assembly plant. The Enquirer says that a
delegation of senior executives has been looking at a site this week about
45 minutes east of downtown Cincinnati. Meanwhile, Kentucky officials
are also courting the visitors. Industry officials in the Bluegrass State
dined with several of the visitors, including the president of the company.
They met with them in Louisville earlier this week. By the time this week
is over, the governor of Ohio will be meeting with another group of Hyundai
execs in Wapakoneta, a small town north of Dayton, to try to convince them
that an industrial site there would be ideal. The proposed site is close
to the Dayton International Airport, an underused facility with long,
transport jet-capable runways.
Don't forget to check our mother site for more news, information & entertainment that's up to date!
Recently in Traffic Court, a man who received an expensive parking ticket
testified that a uniformed Policeman had given his OK for the man to park
The Judge asked the man if he would recognize the Officer if he
ever saw him again, and the man replied that he would.
The Judge then
said, "Good. When you see the Officer again, tell him he owes you 57
A friend and I were shopping for dresses for her three-year- old girls to
wear to a wedding. In the store, another girl staring intently at Sarah and
Becky asked, "Are those girls twins?"
"Actually they're triplets," I
said. "They have a brother at home."
"Wow," she replied. "They sure
look like twins to me."
The lawyer's son wanted to follow in his father's footsteps, so he went to
law school and graduated with honors. Then he went home to join his father's
At the end of his first day at work, he rushed into his father's
office and said, "Father, father! In one day I broke the Smith case that
you've been working on for so long!"
His father yelled, "You idiot! We've
been living on the funding of that case for ten years!"
I thought this fit in nicely with all the discussion of past wars, so I
thought I'd pass it along.
During World War II--the BIG one--we had a
young lieutenant in my battalion who was universally disliked by his
fellow officers as well as by the enlisted men in his company.
of our weekly battalion officers' meeting, the battalion commander announced
that the lieutenant had become sick over the weekend and was now in the post
From the back of the room came: "Nothing trivial, I hope."
A mother was driving through freeway traffic with her three young children
one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of them stood
up and waved. She was stark naked!
Before the mom could recover from
the shock, she heard her 5-year-old shout from the back seat:
That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"
Looking for an exciting new job? Here is a list of the
most unusual sounding occupations these days.
* Weed farmer-grow weeds
then sell them to chemical companies for herbicide research.
Diver-put on a wet suit and plunge into a sewage-containment vat at sewage
plants to remove occasional blockages.
* Flush Tester- professionals
who test toilet bowl standards by trying to flush objects down various
* Killer Bee Hunter- track down African "killer bees, which
are migrating north from Central America, and destroy them before they get to
far in North America.
* Armpit Sniffer- working for deodorant
companies you, well, you know...
It was the Monday after a national holiday when I stopped at the drugstore
to drop off film. The clerk asked if I wanted next-day or one-hour service.
I told her next-day. "They'll be ready Friday," she said.
exclaimed, wondering if I'd heard wrong. Then she explained that there was a
backup because of the holiday.
I couldn't wait that long, so I told her
I'd take the one- hour service. "Ok," she replied. "They'll be ready
[Submitted to Reader's Digest by Roger Thompson and then
sur- reptitiously stolen for publication here.]
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY !
The one thing that unites all human beings,
regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic
background, is that, deep down inside, we all believe that we are above
"I'm so worried," the nervous patient said as the
nurse plumped up his pillows. "Last week, I read
about a man who was in the hospital because of heart
trouble, and he died of malaria."
"Relax," the nurse said smiling. "This is a
first-rate hospital. When we treat someone for heart
trouble, he dies of heart trouble."
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A lady was taking her time browsing through everything at a yard sale and
said to the homeowner, "My husband is going to be very angry when he finds
out I stopped at a yard sale."
"I'm sure he'll understand when you
tell him about all the bargains," the homeowner replied.
yes," the lady said. "But he just broke his leg, and he's waiting for me to
take him to the hospital to have it set."
NOW this sounds Like Susan
Jill was out driving her car and while stopped at a red light, the car just
died. It was a busy intersection and the traffic behind her starting
growing. The guy in the car directly behind her started honking his horn
continuously as Jill continued to try getting the car to start up again.
Finally Jill gets out of her car and approaches the guy in the car
"I can't seem to get my car started," Jill said,
smiling. "Would you be a sweetheart and go and see if you can get it
started for me. I'll stay here in your car and lean on your horn for you."
The Ladies at Lunch
Jill: I really like John. I think we're going to
spend a lot of time together.
Mary: Wow! Do you think you'll get
Jill: Mary, I said that we'd spend time, not do time!
An old fellow came into the hospital truly on
death's door due to an infected gallbladder. The surgeon who removed
the gallbladder was adamant that his patients be up and walking in the
hall the day after surgery to help prevent blood clots forming in the leg
veins. The nurses walked the patient in the hall as ordered, and after the
third day the nurse told how he complained bitterly each time they did. The
surgeon told them to keep walking him.
After a week, the patient was ready to go. His
family came to pick him up and thanked the surgeon profusely for what he
had done for their father. The surgeon was pleased and appreciated the
thanks, but told them that it was really a simple operation and we had been
lucky to get him in time.
"But doctor, you don't understand," they
said, "Dad hasn't walked in over a year!"
A guy walks into a bar and notices two pieces of
meat on the ceiling. He asks the bar man for a pint and the bar man asks,
"Don't you want to participate in our competition?"
The guy asks, "What's it all
The barman informs him, "All you have to do is
get those pieces of meat off the ceiling and you get a free pint! If
you fail you have to buy the whole pub a drink."
The guy replies, "No I don't think so mate...
the steaks are far too high!"
The best way to forget all your troubles is to
wear tight shoes.
I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept
rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire.
Q. How do you keep a Dallas Cowboy out of your yard? A. Put up goal
& now your at the end of the letter, I hope that you enjoyed
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