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The News letter, 020128

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By the way, on some of the pictures, if you hover your pointer over the picture ya might find a comment from me on it,
now that I've learned how to do that.

Now its time for the show to start & I think we'll start now!!!!


Does killing time damage eternity?

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You know that you've joined a redneck HMO if:

       * The annual breast exam is conducted at Hooter's
       * Directions to the Dr's office include "Take a left when you
the trailer park"
       * The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles
       * The only proctologist lists his address as Rotorooter
       * The Lone Star Bar and Grill is an approved pharmacy
       * Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to
Goodwill last month
       * Preventive Care Coverage includes "an apple a day"
       * Your Prozac comes in colors and has little "m"s on each pill
       * The only 100% covered expense is embalming

            And the best one:
       *Your Viagra prescription includes a popsicle stick and some duct tape.


Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?


When Henry Ward Beecher was a young boy in school, he learned a
lesson in self-confidence, which he never forgot. He was called
upon to recite in front of the class. He had hardly begun when
the teacher interrupted with an emphatic, "No!" He started over
and again the teacher thundered, "No!" Humiliated, Henry sat

The next boy rose to recite and had just begun when the teacher
shouted, "No!" This student, however, kept on with the recitation
until he completed it. As he sat down, the teacher responded,
"Very good!"

Henry was irritated. "I recited just as he did," he complained to
the teacher.

But the instructor replied, "It is not enough to know your
lesson, you must be sure. When you allowed me to stop you, it
meant that you were uncertain. If all the world says, 'No!' it is
your business to say, 'Yes!' and prove it."

The world says, "No!" in a thousand ways:

"No! You can't do that."

"No! You are wrong."

"No! You are too old."

"No! You are too young."

"No! You are too weak."

"No! It will never work."

"No! You don't have the education."

"No! You don't have the background."

"No! You don't have the money."

"No! It can't be done."

And each "No!" you hear has the potential to erode your
confidence bit by bit until you quit altogether. Though the world
says, "No!" to you today, will you determine to say, "Yes!" and
prove it?

***From "One Minute Can Change a Life" by Steve Goodier***
    Remember as you walk through your life today,  under whose
authority are you functioning under?  It is a heavy question, not
meant for quick thought.

We have all been to those meetings where someone wants over 100
percent. How about achieving 103 percent?  Here's a little math that
might prove helpful in the future. What makes life 100 percent?



can be represented as:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26


H  A  R D  W  O  R  K
8  1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = 98% only

K   N  O   W   L  E D G E
11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = 96% only


A  T   T  I   T   U D E
1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100 %

B  U   L   L   S H  I  T
2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 = 103%

So, it stands to reason that hard work and knowledge will get you
close, but attitude and bullshit will put you over the top.

Don't look at me, don't talk to me.
I am a Grumpy Gus today.
I can't be held responsible
for what I may do or say.

My problem is quite simple really.
My point of consternation.
It began when I woke up to see,

Others think it wonderful,
this blanket of pure white.
Somehow I don't get much joy,
from this pure, pristine delight.

So, consider this a warning!
Just leave me to my woes.
I will likely always be this way,
When it &$%#*@  snows!!!!

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A guy comes home completely drunk one night. He lurches through the
door and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy.
"Where the hell have you been all night?" she demands.

"At this fantastic new bar," he says. "The Golden Saloon. Everything
there is golden. It's got huge golden doors, a golden floor, the works -
even the urinal's gold!"

The wife still doesn't believe his story, and the next day checks the
phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon.
She calls up the place to check her husband's story.

"Is this the Golden Saloon?" she asks when the bartender answers the phone.
"Yes it is," bartender answers.
"Do you have huge golden doors?"
"Sure do." "Do you have golden floors?"
"Most certainly do."
"What about golden urinals?"
There's a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling,
"Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that peed in your saxophone last night!"

Herbert Peach of Jackson, Kentucky bragged to his neighbors that he
had thought of a unique way of "fishing" in his backyard pond. He
claimed that if he rigged up a live electrical cable and dropped the
end into the water, the nearby fish would be shocked and he could
run out and collect them.

The problem is, it worked...up to a point. The fish were shocked on
his maiden try and so was Mr. Peach who forgot to turn off the 220
volt line before scampering into the water to collect them.
Authorities also reported that the electrical generator used to power
the " fishing expedition" was reported as stolen from the local farm co-op.

Mr. Peach's funeral arrangements will be announced shortly.

AS THE BUS pulled away, I realized I had left my purse under
the seat. Later I called the company and was relieved that
the driver had found my bag. When I went to pick it up,
several off-duty bus drivers surrounded me. One man handed
me my pocketbook, two typewritten pages and a box containing
the contents of my purse.  "We're required to inventory lost
wallets and purses," he explained. "I think you'll find
everything there."  As I started to put my belongings back
into the pocketbook, the man continued, "I hope you don't
mind if we watch. Even though we all tried, none of us could
fit everything into your purse. And we'd like to see just
how you do it."

-- Contributed to Reader's Digest "Life In These United
States" by Laurian S. Harshman

Sue, this is the one you kept hearing me say AMEN too

At a nursing home in Miami, Florida, a group of Senior
Citizens were sitting around talking about their ailments:
"My arms are so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.
"Yes, I know. My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my
coffee," replied another.
"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck,"
said a third, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.
"My blood pressure pills make me dizzy," ... another went on.
"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced
an old man as he slowly shook his head.
Then there was a short moment of silence.  "Well, it's not
that bad," said one woman cheerfully. "Thank God we can all still drive."

Why of course the people don't want war. Why should some
poor slob on a farm want to risk his life in a war when the
best he can get out of it is to come back to his farm in one
piece? Naturally the common people don't want war: neither
in Russia, nor in England, nor for that matter in Germany.
That is understood. But, after all, it is the leaders of the
country who determine the policy and it is always a simple
matter to drag the people along, whether it is a democracy,
or a fascist dictatorship, or a parliament, or a communist
dictatorship. Voice or no voice, the people can always be
brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All
you have to do is tell them they are being attacked, and
denounce the peacemakers for lack of patriotism and exposing
the country to danger. It works the same in any country.
--Hermann Goering

The Cincinnati area has become the latest to be visited by
executives from Hyundai who are looking for a suitable site
for a new North American auto assembly plant. The Enquirer
says that a delegation of senior executives has been
looking at a site this week about 45 minutes east of
downtown Cincinnati. Meanwhile, Kentucky officials are
also courting the visitors. Industry officials in the
Bluegrass State dined with several of the visitors,
including the president of the company. They met with
them in Louisville earlier this week. By the time this
week is over, the governor of Ohio will be meeting with
another group of Hyundai execs in Wapakoneta, a small town
north of Dayton, to try to convince them that an industrial
site there would be ideal. The proposed site is close to
the Dayton International Airport, an underused facility
with long, transport jet-capable runways.

Don't forget to check our mother site for more news, information & entertainment that's up to date!

Recently in Traffic Court, a man who received an
expensive parking ticket testified that a
uniformed Policeman had given his OK for the man
to park there.

The Judge asked the man if he would recognize the
Officer if he ever saw him  again, and the man
replied that he would.

The Judge then said, "Good.  When you see the
Officer again, tell him he owes you 57 dollars. Next..."

THE WIT WIZARD savagely exposes America's frauds, fools,
freaks & foibles, harpoons the hypocrites and punctures the pompous.
Free politically incorrect social satire weekly

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A friend and I were shopping for dresses for her three-year-
old girls to wear to a wedding. In the store, another girl
staring intently at Sarah and Becky asked, "Are those girls

"Actually they're triplets," I said. "They have a brother
at home."

"Wow," she replied. "They sure look like twins to me."

The lawyer's son wanted to follow in his father's footsteps,
so he went to law school and graduated with honors. Then he
went home to join his father's firm.

At the end of his first day at work, he rushed into his
father's office and said, "Father, father! In one day I broke
the Smith case that you've been working on for so long!"

His father yelled, "You idiot! We've been living on the
funding of that case for ten years!"

I thought this fit in nicely with all the discussion of past wars,
so I thought I'd pass it along.

During World War II--the BIG one--we had a young lieutenant in
my battalion who was universally disliked
by his fellow officers as well as by the enlisted men in his

At one of our weekly battalion officers' meeting, the
battalion commander announced that the lieutenant had become
sick over the weekend and was now in the post hospital.

From the back of the room came:  "Nothing trivial, I hope."

A mother was driving through freeway traffic with her three
young children one warm summer evening when a
woman in the convertible ahead of them stood up and
waved. She was stark naked!

Before the mom could recover from the shock, she heard
her 5-year-old shout from the back seat:

"Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"

Odd Jobs:

Looking for an exciting new job? Here is a list of the most
unusual sounding occupations these days.

* Weed farmer-grow weeds then sell them to chemical
companies for herbicide research.

* Sewage Diver-put on a wet suit and plunge into a
sewage-containment vat at sewage plants to remove
occasional blockages.

* Flush Tester- professionals who test toilet bowl
standards by trying to flush objects down various toilets.

* Killer Bee Hunter- track down African "killer bees,
which are migrating north from Central America, and
destroy them before they get to far in North

* Armpit Sniffer- working for deodorant companies
you, well, you know...

Watch the eyes <G>
takes a min sometimes.

It was the Monday after a national holiday when I stopped at
the drugstore to drop off film. The clerk asked if I wanted
next-day or one-hour service. I told her next-day. "They'll
be ready Friday," she said.

"What?" I exclaimed, wondering if I'd heard wrong. Then she
explained that there was a backup because of the holiday.

I couldn't wait that long, so I told her I'd take the one-
hour service. "Ok," she replied. "They'll be ready tomorrow."

[Submitted to Reader's Digest by Roger Thompson and then sur-
reptitiously stolen for publication here.]


The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless
of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic
background, is that, deep down inside, we all believe
that we are above average drivers.

"I'm so worried," the nervous patient said as the nurse plumped up his pillows. "Last week, I read about a man who was in the hospital because of heart trouble, and he died of malaria." "Relax," the nurse said smiling. "This is a first-rate hospital. When we treat someone for heart trouble, he dies of heart trouble."

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A lady was taking her time browsing through everything
at a yard sale and said to the homeowner, "My husband
is going to be very angry when he finds out I stopped
at a yard sale."

"I'm sure he'll understand when you tell him about all
the bargains," the homeowner replied.

"Normally, yes," the lady said. "But he just broke
his leg, and he's waiting for me to take him to the hospital to have it set."

NOW this sounds Like Susan

Jill was out driving her car and while stopped at a
red light, the car just died. It was a busy
intersection and the traffic behind her starting
growing. The guy in the car directly behind her
started honking his horn continuously as Jill
continued to try getting the car to start up again.
Finally Jill gets out of her car and approaches the
guy in the car behind her.

"I can't seem to get my car started," Jill said,
smiling. "Would you be a sweetheart and go and see if
you can get it started for me. I'll stay here in your car and lean on your horn for you."

The Ladies at Lunch

Jill: I really like John. I think we're going to
spend a lot of time together.

Mary: Wow! Do you think you'll get married?

Jill: Mary, I said that we'd spend time, not do time!

An old fellow came into the hospital truly on death's door due
to an infected gallbladder. The surgeon who removed the
gallbladder was adamant that his patients be up and walking in
the hall the day after surgery to help prevent blood clots
forming in the leg veins. The nurses walked the patient in the
hall as ordered, and after the third day the nurse told how he
complained bitterly each time they did. The surgeon told them
to keep walking him.
After a week, the patient was ready to go. His family came to
pick him up and thanked the surgeon profusely for what he had
done for their father. The surgeon was pleased and appreciated
the thanks, but told them that it was really a simple operation
and we had been lucky to get him in time.
"But doctor, you don't understand," they said,
"Dad hasn't walked in over a year!"

A guy walks into a bar and notices two pieces of meat on
the ceiling. He asks the bar man for a pint and the bar
man asks, "Don't you want to participate in our competition?"
The guy asks, "What's it all about?"
The barman informs him, "All you have to do is get those
pieces of meat off the ceiling and you get a free pint! If you
fail you have to buy the whole pub a drink."
The guy replies, "No I don't think so mate... the steaks
are far too high!"

The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.

I gave up jogging for  my health when my thighs kept rubbing
together and setting my pantyhose  on fire.

Q. How do you keep a Dallas Cowboy out of your yard?
A. Put up goal posts.

& now your at the end of the letter, I hope that you enjoyed

The times on this one are 141 seconds for 28K modem,
84 seconds for 56k modem & 39 seconds for cable/dsl

thanks, David #