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The News letter, 020116








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By the way, on some of the pictures, if you hover your pointer over the picture ya might find a comment from me on it,
now that I've learned how to do that.



Now its time for the show to start & I think we'll start now!!!!








Hi Glass <LOL>



A woman living way out in the country looks out her kitchen window one
morning and sees an elephant pulling up all her cabbages and eating
them. She's very isolated and has never seen an elephant in her life,
much less imagined one escaping a circus train, so she calls the local
sheriff and says, "There's this huge horse out in my garden and he's
pulling up all my cabbages with his tail. And .... and .... and if I
told you what he's doing with those cabbages, you'd never believe me!"


While in the 101st Airborne Division at Fort Campbell, Ky., my husband
would

often pass the base mascot, an eagle in a large cage. The bird's name,
Sergeant Glory, was even engraved on a nearby plaque. One morning my
husband

saw Sergeant Glory give his handler a nasty bite while being fed. The
next

day a new plaque appeared on the bird's enclosure.
It read, "Private Glory."


"I wonder who discovered we could get milk from cows, and
what on EARTH did he think he was doing?" -Billy Connolly

                            ***

"I had a friend who was a clown.  When he died, all of his
friends went to the funeral in one car." --Steven Wright


Two guys who worked together were both laid off, so off they
went to the unemployment office.  When asked his occupation,
the first guy said, "Panty stitcher...I sew the elastic onto
women's panties."

The clerk looked up panty stitcher.  Finding it classed as
unskilled labor, she gave him $300 a week unemployment pay.

The second guy was asked his occupation. "Diesel fitter,"
he replied.

Diesel fitter is listed as a skilled job, so the clerk gave
the second guy $600 a week.  When the first guy found out he
was furious.  He stormed into the office to find out why his
friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay.

The clerk explained, "Panty stitchers are unskilled, and
diesel fitters are skilled labor."

"What skill?!" yelled the panty stitcher. "I sew the elastic
and he pulls on it and says, "Yep, dese'll fit 'er."


Did Ya' Know:
------------------------------------
Victory still eludes Seth Dowell in his breathtakingly long
battle with the hiccups.  They're a little less frequent--he'll
sometimes get two hours of peace before they inevitably start
back up, but more than a year after wolfing down a Subway veggie
sandwich, he still lets out a loud "Hic!" dozens of times a day,
even in his sleep.  Dowell has tried 90% of the mostly kooky
cures people have suggested.  Dowell hopes his "fifteen seconds
of fame" will end soon.  "The GUINNESS BOOK OF WORLD RECORDS
lists somebody who's had the hiccups for 68 years," he says. 
"I really don't want to beat that."

You don't have to weight-train for weeks before you get any
benefits. It may take a month or two before workouts get
noticeably easier, but you'll shave pounds within a week, and
your strength will sharpen. Studies done at Ohio University
demonstrate that muscle responds to weight-lifting after only
four sessions.  It gets better:  Recent research suggests that
reduced stress, a rosier outlook, more confidence, better sex,
and sounder sleep all kick in after one workout.

The marquees of the fifty largest casinos and
hotels in Las Vegas use enough electricity to
run more than a thousand average U.S. homes.

The National Fresh Water Fishing Hall of Fame in
Hayward, Wisconsin is shaped like a muskie.

*grin* It makes people wonder!
~AIKEN~


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Jane calls the doctor, freaking out. "Doctor, doctor! My little Jimmy
swallowed a dozen aspirin. What should I do?"
 
The doctor asked Jane, "Are you sure it was a dozen?"
 
The frantic mother says, "Absolutely! Doctor, I'm scared to death!"
 
The doctor tells the mother, "Calm down. Is little Jimmy crying?"
 
Jane says "No."
 
"Is he sleeping?" asks the doctor.
 
"No." says Jimmy's mom.
 
The doctor goes on with routine questions, "Is his color funny?"
 
Again Jane says "No."
 
"Did Jimmy throw up?" asks the methodical doctor.
 
"No." says the worried mom. "But I'm so scared. All that aspirin...
shouldn't I do something?"
 
To which the doctor says, "Try giving him a headache."


"What's your father's occupation?" asked the
teacher on the first day of the new academic
year.

"He's a magician, Ma'am," said the new boy.

"How interesting. What's his favorite trick?"

"He saws people in half."

"Gosh! Now, next question. Any brothers or
sisters?"

"One half brother and two half sisters."


A spiritualist who'd recently been widowed met a
colleague and reported excitedly that she'd just
received a message from her dead husband - asking
her to send him a pack of cigarettes.

"The only thing is," she mused, "that I don't know
where to send them."

"Why not?" asked her friend.

"Well, he didn't actually say that he was in
Heaven - but I can't imagine he'd be in Hell."

"Hm," responded the friend. "Well, maybe I shouldn't
bring this up, but...he didn't mention anything
about including matches in the package, did he?"


Because of an ear infection, Little Johnny, had to go to the
pediatrician. The doctor directed his comments and questions to
Little Johnny in a professional manner. When he asked Little Johnny,
"Is there anything you are allergic to?" Little Johnny nodded and
whispered in his ear. Smiling, the pediatrician wrote out a
prescription and handed it to Little Johnny's mother. She tucked it
into her purse without looking at it.
As the pharmacist filled the order, he remarked on the unusual food -
drug interaction Little Johnny must have. Little Johnny's mother
looked puzzled until he showed her the label on the bottle. As per the doctor's instructions, it read, "Do not take with broccoli."


A motorist, after being bogged down in a muddy road, paid a
passing farmer five dollars to pull him out with his tractor.
After he was back on dry ground he said to the farmer, "At
those prices, I should think you would be pulling people out
of the mud night and day."

"Can't." replied the farmer.  "At night I haul water for the hole."


Aboard the USS TARAWA for six months, my brother Don posted a picture
of his
beloved truck in his locker. Since his fellow Marines had pictures of
their
girlfriends posted, they often ridiculed him for his object of
adoration.

"Laugh all you want," Don told them. "At least my truck will still be there when I get home."











THE WIT WIZARD savagely exposes America's frauds, fools,
freaks & foibles, harpoons the hypocrites and punctures the pompous.
Free politically incorrect social satire weekly

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A couple months ago, I entered a contest and ended up winning
a few acres of swamp land below the flood plane in Mississippi.

Before I knew it, right after that I won a $250,000 house, so
naturally I built it on my new land.

Last week, I won enough money in the lottery to quit my job
and move down there for good.

And just last night, as sat on my new porch watching the rain and
listening to the thunder, it all started to sink in.


Tombstone Epitaph In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery:

Here lies an Atheist
All dressed up
And no place to go.



The best way to keep children at home is to make the home
atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of the tires.
- Dorothy Parker (1893 - 1967)


You might be a Redneck If:

The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.
Your brother-in-law is your uncle.
Your entire family has ever sat around waiting for a call from the governor to spare a loved one.
You go to the family reunion to pick up women.
You can't tell what color your car is because of the dirt.




You might be a Redneck If:

You have more that two brothers named Bubba or Junior.
You've ever stolen toilet paper from a public restroom.
You clean your nails with a stick.
You prefer car keys to a Q-tip.
People are scared to touch your wife's bathrobe.




In a crowded city, at a crowded bus stop, a beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus.
She was decked out in a tight leather mini skirt with matching tight leather boots and jacket.

As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step on the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.

Again she tried to make the step onto the bus only to discover she still couldn't!

So, a little more embarrassed she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more and for a second time attempted the step and once again, much to her chagrin she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt.

So, with a coy little smile to the driver she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step.

About this time the big Texan that was behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus.

Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero screeching at him "How dare you touch my body!! I don't even know who you are!"

At this the Texan drawled "Well ma'am normally I would agree with you but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we were friends."



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"Higher beings from outer space may not want to tell us the
secrets of life, because we're not ready. But maybe they'll
change their tune after a little torture."
- Jack Handey


WHITE HOUSE PUSHING FOR HYDROGEN VEHICLES
The Bush administration says that it's jumping on the
hydrogen-powered car and truck bandwagon. Energy Secretary
Spencer Abraham told reporters this week at the
international auto show in Detroit that the focus will no
longer be on increasing gas mileage for conventional
gasoline-powered cars and trucks. The emphasis will now
switch to the development of hydrogen-powered units.
Abraham told North American International Auto Show
attendees that the White House is replacing a program,
begun in the Clinton years that would have produced
vehicles capable of getting 80 miles per gallon. The new
thrust will be the development of units using even less
energy, from different sources. Proposals to help
scientists develop new fuel cells could be included in
the government's 2003 budget. One reason that the switch
seems well timed is that the cost of hydrogen fuel cells
has dropped dramatically in the past few years and new
research could make the dream of gas-free cars possible
in the coming decade.


Oh Alice,

You got me laughing so hard on this one!!!! Give a female cat...

Anna

--- In quotationville@y..., Alice Flanders <aflanders@y...> wrote:
> If Christmas shopping's got you down
> and you don't know where you're at....
> Give the gift that keeps on giving
> give a female cat.




To subscribe to this group, send an email to:
quotationville-subscribe@yahoogroups.com



A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the
subject."

- Winston Churchill (1874-1965)


You Know You're a Mom When......

You're willing to kiss your child's boo-boo,
regardless of where it is.


EASY CHOCOLATE TRUFFLES
****************************************************************

INGREDIENTS
2 pounds of good quality chocolate
one quart of heavy cream
1/4 lb. unsalted butter
1/3 C liqueur of choice
cocoa powder

DIRECTIONS:
Melt chocolate and cream over a double boiler. Whisk in butter
and liqueur. Continue to whisk as the mixture cools and thickens.
Pour into quart containers and refrigerate. To serve, scoop out
with melon baller, roll in powdered cocoa. Keep refrigerated until
ready to serve.

YIELD: over 2 pounds
Category: Desserts, Sweets
http://www.thedailyrecipe.com


SWEET TRUFFLE TIPS:

Metallic candy wrappers or miniature muffin cup liners make
great holders. You can serve them, in their holders, on a
doily lined silver tray. They also make perfect gifts. Place
the truffles, in their wrappers, in a pretty box. Close the
box and add a silk bow. This is one homemade gift you'll
know will be appreciated.











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Whenever your kids are out of control, you can take comfort from the
thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to God's kids.
After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And
the first thing He said to them was: "Don't."
"Don't what?" Adam asked.
"Don't eat the Forbidden Fruit," God replied.
"Forbidden fruit? We got Forbidden Fruit? Hey, Eve, we got
   Forbidden Fruit!"
"No way!"
"WAY!"
"Don't eat that fruit!" said God.
"Why?"
"Because I am your Father and I said so!" said God, wondering why
He hadn't stopped after making the elephants. A few minutes   
later he saw the kids having an apple break   and was angry.
"Didn't I tell you not to eat that fruit?" the 'First Parent' asked.
"Uh huh," Adam replied.
"Then why did you?"
"I dunno," Eve answered.
"She started it!" Adam said.
"Did not!"
"DID so!"
"DID NOT!"
Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam 
and Eve should have children of their own...thus the pattern was set 
and it has never changed.
But there is reassurance in this story. If you have persistently and
lovingly tried to give them wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be
too hard on yourself. If God had trouble handling children, what made
you think it would be a piece of cake for you?


A duke was hunting in the forest with his men-at-arms and servants;
he came across a tree. Upon it, archery targets were painted and
smack in the middle of each was an arrow.

"Who is this incredibly fine archer?" cried the duke. "I must find him!"

After continuing through the forest for a few miles he came across a small
boy carrying a bow and arrow. Eventually the boy admitted that it was he who
shot the arrows plumb in the center of all the targets.

"You didn't just walk up to the targets and hammer the arrows into the
middle, did you?" asked the duke worriedly.

"No my lord. I shot them from a hundred paces. I swear it by all that I hold
holy."

"That is truly astonishing," said the duke. "I hereby admit you into my
service." The boy thanked him profusely.

"But I must ask one favor in return," the duke continued. "You must tell me
how you came to be such an outstanding shot."

"Well," said the boy, "first I fire the arrow at the tree, and then I paint the target around it."


A company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hires a new CEO. This
new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall.
The room is full of workers and he thinks this is his chance to show
everyone he means business!

The CEO, walks up the guy and asks - "and how much money do you make
a  week?"

Undaunted, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make
$200.00 a  week. Why?"

The CEO then hands the guy $200 in cash and screams - "here's a
week's pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"

Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the
room and asks - "does anyone want to tell me what that slacker did
here?"

With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters -
"Pizza delivery guy".


OHHHH, how true this one is 
at my house! ! !








& now your at the end of the letter, I hope that you enjoyed

The times on this one are 206 seconds for 28K modem,
122 seconds for 56k modem & 56 seconds for cable/dsl

thanks, David #