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The News letter, 020111








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By the way, on some of the pictures, if you hover your pointer over the picture ya might find a comment from me on it,
now that I've learned how to do that.



Now its time for the show to start & I think we'll start now!!!!


Click herefor a great quick show.


Now that's a Limo






The stockbroker's secretary answered his phone one morning. "I'm
sorry," she said, "Mr. Bradford's on another line."

"This is Mr. Ingram's office," the caller said.  "We'd like to know
if he's bullish or bearish right now."

"He's talking to his wife," the secretary replied. "Right now I'd say
he's sheepish."


THE WIT WIZARD savagely exposes America's frauds, fools,
freaks & foibles, harpoons the hypocrites and punctures the pompous.
Free politically incorrect social satire weekly

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2002 MEANS MANY NEW STATE LAWS
A pundit once wrote that January 1st is the worst time for
any new laws to go into effect. People are hungover from
the night before and, if they can't remember to put the new
date on checks, how are they going to remember to fasten
their seatbelts? A sampling of newspapers from around the
country in search of new laws going into effect this time
around seems to show that many of the new laws share a
common theme. In 2002 young high school-age drivers are
going to have a tougher row to hoe. In Texas, for example,
the Houston Chronicle says, "teen-age drivers will lose
some freedom, but many driver's lives may be saved..." The
Lone Star State is among many phasing in a so-called
"graduated driver license." Simply put, the younger you
are the more restricted your driving is, mostly bye time
of day and who can be in the car with you. As a driver
gets older and is more experienced he or she is allowed
more freedom on the road. In Texas drivers under 18 will
not be permitted to drive between midnight and 5 a.m.
during the first six month of their license. Additionally,
the number of friends who may be in the car will be
limited. A survey released last year shows that the more
teens in a car, the faster the driver goes and the
greater the fatality rate. Dares and taunts can be deadly.


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French Onion Soup


4 large onions
1 oz. butter
2 large cloves of garlic
1 t sugar
1 ½ T flour, all purpose
4 to 5 C soup stock
salt & pepper to taste

In a medium saucepan heat the stock through and keep warm.
Peel and chop the onions into thin wedges and crush the garlic.
In a large saucepan, melt the butter and sauté the onions for 10
to 12 minutes or until well browned all over but not burnt.  Add the
garlic and sugar.  The sugar helps the onions to caramelize.
Stir through the flour and sweat for 1 to 2 minutes.  Add the warm stock
a little at a time.  The soup will thicken as you add the stock.  Simmer
10 to 15 minutes and season with salt and pepper to taste.  Ladle into
warmed soup bowls and garnish with flutes (see below).


Flutes

1 small french bread stick
½ C grated parmesan cheese

Slice the bread stick diagonally into ½ inch thick slices and toast on
both sides.  Sprinkle with grated parmesan cheese and grill until golden.











Pineapple Casserole

1/2 Cup Flour
1 Cup Sugar
2 Large Cans (16oz. each) Chunk Pineapple, drained
1 Stick Margarine (1/2 cup), melted
1 Sleeve round brown Crackers, crushed
*********************************************************************
Mix Flour & Sugar. Add pineapple & toss well.
Turn into well greased casserole dish.
Mix melted margarine & crushed crackers together.
Sprinkle over pineapple mixture.
Bake at 350 degrees for 45 minutes


"Tomorrow night on NBC a very special episode of West Wing,
it makes a direct reference to what happened in New York.
The exact plot is being kept top secret.  We are the only
country in the world where we put our battle plans on CNN,
but the plots to our TV shows are top secret." -Jay Leno


"I want to die before my wife. The reason is: If it is true
that when you die, your soul goes up to judgment, I don't
want my wife up there ahead of me to tell them things." 
  --Bill Cosby


A friend, driving home from a fishing trip in northern
Michigan with his boat in tow, had engine trouble a few miles
inland from Lake Huron.  He didn't have a CB radio in his car,
so he decided to use his marine radio to get help.  Climbing
into his boat, he broadcast his call letters and asked for
assistance.

A Coast Guard officer responded, "Please give your location."

"I'm on Interstate-75, two miles south of Standish."

The officer paused, "Could you repeat that?"

"I-75, two miles south of Standish."

A longer pause.  Then an incredulous voice asked, "How fast
were you going when you hit shore?"


Manager: "For a man with no experience, you are certainly
asking for a high salary."

Applicant: "Well, the work is much harder when you don't
know what you're doing!"


Did Ya' Know:
------------------------------------
About two thirds of the population of the world and 99% of
people in the continental USA and western Europe never see
a truly dark starry sky from where they live because of light
pollution. Most of them cannot see the Milky Way and for many,
the sky never gets darker than it would during natural twilight
because so much artificial light brightens the atmosphere.

Undergrads love their plastic. That means--you guessed it-
-students are learning to become debtors.  According to the
Public Interest Research Groups, only half of all students
pay off card balances in full each month, 36% sometimes do,
and 14% never do.
78% of undergrads have a credit card.  The average number of
cards owned is 3.  The average student card debt is $1236.00. 
32% of students have four or more cards.  13% have balances of
$3000 to $7000.  9% have balances over $7000.

Americans watch nearly four hours of television daily, and more
than that during winter.  French researchers in Nice reviewed
more than 65,000 cases of deep vein thrombosis--potentially fatal
blood clots in the legs--and found that hospitalizations were 18%
higher than average in the winter.  These clots form relatively
quickly--a hazard on long airline flights--so cutting the risk
is as simple as getting out of the chair. 

Get that blood pumping!  Join a mall-walking club.  Go shopping
at the supermarket, up and down every aisle, and once the cart
is full, go back up and down every aisle.  Pushing a full cart
is a better workout. Deskercise:  Once an hour, take a break
and do a workout in or beside the chair.  Do jumping jacks
during one commercial for every 30-minutes of TV you watch. 
Rent a yoga, kickboxing, or other exercise tape..and DO it.

*grin* It makes people wonder!
~AIKEN~











========================= The Thieving Joker =========================
Stolen from: Bonehead-Of-The-Day
To sign up --> http://Bonehead.Oddballs.com
All materials written by Jerry Lerman are Copyright 2001 by Jerry
Lerman. All Rights Reserved.
==================== http://www.ThievingJoker.net ====================

Remember the bonehead award we gave to a man whose plane flew away,
without him, or anyone else aboard? Here's a story on a similar
situation from reader, Jim Foreman, that is even more deserving of a
bonehead award.

Hi Jerry;

Actually, this very same thing happened about 50 years ago,
incidentally to the exact same type of airplane, in Amarillo, Texas.
It ended a bit better with the airplane flying almost 200 miles before
it ran out of fuel and landing in a wheat field in Kansas without a
crash. They followed it all the way in another airplane and after
filling it with fuel, they flew it back. They created the second
bonehead award of the day by running out of fuel and landing three
miles short of the airport. The plane flipped on its back on this
landing and was destroyed.

----------------------------------------------------------

Bonehead award two, a "too dumb to be a criminal bonehead award," goes
to three Scottish store robbers who, after robbing a store of about
$30,000 worth of cash, stamps and phone cards, decided to disable the
store's video cameras and who, having trouble seeing what they were
doing, removed their masks so they could better see the cameras,
according to police who quickly rounded them up using the close-up
pictures from the security camera system.

Scottish Daily Record 8-Jan-02

--------------------------------

Think those people are idiots? Amazing that bonehead award four is for
the same thing.

This time the award goes to a female Arby's fast-food restaurant
manager and a female employee in Noblesville, Indiana who were duped
by the very same tactic, amazingly so.

A Burger King restaurant manager, having received a similar call, had
hung up on the caller.

Indianapolis Star-Tribune 20-Dec-01
http://www.indystar.com/article.php?strippm1220.html,news Or
http://makeashorterlink.com/?A2E21384

-----------------------------------------

A world on edge. When biking becomes an explosive issue.

This next one is from a story also sent to me by reader Jim Foreman.
Thanks again, Jim!

This is a story that appeared on the bicycle-touring list and involves
a bomb scare at an office building.

Bonehead award five goes to some person who, seeing a bicycle parked
in an office building parking lot, called the bomb squad believing the
bicycle pump and the wires going to the light was some sort of
explosive device.

It took the scores of police and the bomb squad about 5 seconds to
call off the whole thing.

*********************************************************

The Seal Beach (California) Sun published some of its more unusual
police blotter items, including these:

* "A man called the police to ask if it was OK to walk on the pier
while he was having 'moronic thoughts.' "

* "Three people with guns were detained by security" until it was
determined that they were history buffs "trying to re-create the
Battle of Gettysburg."

* "A man brought a desk, chair and phone and sat in the street. He
claimed he was an artist with poetic license."

* "A customer found $40 at the bank. She returned the money but later
called the police saying she wanted it back."

From Steve Harvey's column in the LA Times.











A customer moves away from a bank window, counts his change, and then
goes back and says to the cashier, "Hey, you gave me the wrong
change!"

Cashier: "Sir, you stepped away from the counter. We don't make
corrections after you leave. There's nothing I can do about it now.
That's the policy of this bank !"

Customer: "Well, okay. Just thought you'd like to know you gave me
twenty dollars too much. Bye. "


 At dinner one night, my sister's kids asked, "Daddy, why
 do you call Mommy honey?"
 
 "Mommy is my honey," he said (rather sappily, but that's
 the kind of guy he is). The kids picked up the metaphor
 and innocently ran with it.
 "Mommy's your honey! You spread her and eat her!"
 
 My sister and her husband were unable to look at each other
 for the duration of the meal, lest they crack up and then have
 to explain why.


When visiting her family in Los Angeles, a woman decided to explore
a trendy shopping area. After window-shopping, she entered a store
with unique table displays. Each table was laid out with distinctive
linen, fine china, silver and crystal. The woman was the only
customer. The young cashier initially asked if she could help, but
the
woman declined and said she was only browsing. The woman was a bit
put
off by the glances the cashier kept giving her, but nonetheless, she
spent almost an hour examining the different makes of china and
silver.
  It was only after thanking the shopkeeper and leaving that this
woman discovered she had been inspecting the tableware at a chic restaurant.


A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding
 down Main Street.
 
 "But officer," the man said, "I can explain."
 
 "Just be quiet!!!" snapped the officer. "...or I'm going to let you
cool
 off in jail until the chief gets back."
 
 "But officer, I just wanted to say..."
 
 "And I said KEEP QUIET! Now you're going to jail!"
 
 A few hours later, the officer checked up on his prisoner and said,
 "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be
in a
 good mood when he gets back."
 
 "Don't count on it," said the man in the cell. "I'm the groom!"


An angel appears at a faculty meeting and tells
the dean that in return for his unselfish and
exemplary behavior, the Lord will reward him
with his choice of infinite wealth, wisdom, or beauty.
Without hesitating, the dean selects infinite wisdom.
"Done!" says the angel, and disappears in a cloud
of smoke and a bolt of lightning.
Now, all heads turn toward the dean, who sits
surrounded by a faint halo of light.
One of his colleagues whispers, "Say something."
The dean sighs and says, "I should have taken
the money."


Never give up. And never, under any circumstances, face the facts.

- Ruth Gordon



The father of five children had won a toy at a raffle.
He called his kids together to ask which one should have
the present. "Who is the most obedient?" he asked. "Who
never talks back to mother? Who does everything she says?"

Five small voices answered in unison. "Okay, dad, you get the toy."



BAD dog, very bad dog


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HOW TO GET PEOPLE TO STOP BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED...

My blue-haired, old aunties used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next!"

...they stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.



"I have to have a raise," the man said to his boss. "There
are three other companies after me."

"Is that so?" asked the manager. "What other companies are after you?"

"The electric company, the telephone company, and the gas company."
I know this feeling all to well!


WHAT 30 YEARS CAN DO.

1970: LONG HAIR
2000: LONGING FOR HAIR

1970: THE PERFECT HIGH
2000: THE PERFECT HIGH YIELD MUTUAL FUND

1970: KEG
2000: EKG

1970: ACID ROCK
2000: ACID REFLUX

1970: MOVING TO CALIFORNIA BECAUSE IT'S COOL
2000: MOVING TO CALIFORNIA BECAUSE IT'S WARM

1970: GROWING POT
2000: GROWING POT BELLY

1970: WATCHING JOHN GLENN'S HISTORIC SPACE FLIGHT WITH YOUR PARENTS
2000: WATCHING JOHN GLENN'S HISTORIC SPACE FLIGHT WITH YOUR CHILDREN

1970: TRYING TO LOOK LIKE MARLON BRANDO OR ELIZABETHTAYLOR
2000: TRYING NOT TO LOOK LIKE MARLON BRANDO OR ELIZABETH TAYLOR

1970: SEEDS AND STEMS
2000: ROUGHAGE

1970: POPPING PILLS, SMOKING JOINTS
2000: POPPING JOINTS

1970: OUR PRESIDENT'S STRUGGLE WITH FIDEL
2000: OUR PRESIDENT'S STRUGGLE WITH FIDELITY

1970: PARR
2000: AARP

1970: KILLER WEED
2000: WEED KILLER

1970: HOPING FOR A BMW
2000: HOPING FOR A BM

1970: THE GRATEFUL DEAD
2000: DR. KEVORKIAN

1970: GETTING OUT TO A NEW HIP JOINT
2000: GETTING A NEW HIP JOINT

1970: ROLLNG STONES
2000: KIDNEY STONES

1970: BEING CALLED TO THE PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE
2000: CALLING THE PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE

1970: SCREW THE SYSTEM
2000: UPGRADE THE SYSTEM

1970: PEACE SIGN
2000: MERCEDES LOGO

1970: PARENTS BEG YOU TO GET A HAIRCUT
2000: CHILDREN BEG YOU TO GET THEIR HEADS SHAVED

1970: PASSING THE DRIVERS TEST
2000: PASSING THE VISION TEST

1970: "WHATEVER"
2000: "DEPENDS"













Young people are dying today to avenge their ancestors.
They are fighting in the Holy Land, where Jesus walked
preaching forgiveness.  They wage war interminably.  What
does it prove?  Where does it lead?  To peace?  Never.  The
vanquished respond with vengeance and increase the human
toll in battles over ancient enmities.  It can all begin to
change with you, if you learn the universal principal of
forgiveness, learn to transcend hatred as a response to
hatred, and to give away peace in its place.  It is not weak
to forgive, it is a gallant and brave act.
 
An ancient Chinese proverb tells us, 'The one who pursues
revenge should dig two graves.'
- -Wayne Dyer, in "You'll See It When You Believe It"


A toy manufacturer has created an Osama bin Laden stress
reliever for motorists. The squeezable bin Laden
head-on-a-spring can be fixed to dashboards. The toy has
gone on display for the first time at the Hong Kong Toy and
Game Fair. More than 25,000 visitors are expected to attend
the four-day annual event. The bin Laden stress reliever is
manufactured by a Chinese firm...

... We won't really be stress free until the military is
doing that to the REAL bin Laden..


A Kentucky man has accidentally shot himself while
practicing his quick-draw on a snowman. Bob Bowling suffered
a wound to his right thigh. The embarrassed 32-year-old
initially told state police his gun was in his holster and
it went off when he sat down. But after being taken to
hospital he told a state trooper the weapon went off while
he was quick-drawing on a snowman...

... Where do you think shooters get the term, "stay frosty"...?





YUP, THAT'S team work.






& now your at the end of the letter, I hope that you enjoyed

The times on this one are 235 seconds for 28K modem,
140 seconds for 56k modem & 64 seconds for cable/dsl

thanks, David #