My human will never let me eat her pet
hamster, and I am at peace with that.
I will not puff my entire body
to twice its size for no reason after my human has finished watching a
I will not slurp fish food from the surface of the
I must not help myself to Q-tips, and I must certainly
not proceed to stuff them down the sink's drain.
I will not eat large
numbers of assorted bugs, then come home and puke them up so the humans can
see that I'm getting plenty of roughage.
I will not lean way over to
drink out of the tub, fall in, and then pelt right for the box of clumping
cat litter. (It took FOREVER to get the stuff out of my fur.)
not stand on the bathroom counter, stare down the hall, and growl at NOTHING
after my human has finished watching The X-Files.
I will not fish out
my human's partial plate from the glass so that the dog can "wear" it and
pretend to be my human. (It is somewhat unnerving to wake up, roll over in
bed, and see the dog grinning at you with your own teeth.)
I will not
use the bathtub to store live mice for late-night snacks.
I will not
drag dirty socks up from the basement in the middle of the night, deposit
them on the bed and yell at the top of my lungs (Burmese LOUD yowling) so
that my human can admire my "kill."
I will not perch on my human's
chest in the middle of the night and stare into her eyes until she wakes
We will not play Herd of Thundering Wildebeests Stampeding Across
the Plains of the Serengeti over any humans' bed while they're trying to
Screaming at the can of food will not make it open
I cannot leap through closed windows to catch birds
outside. If I forget this and bonk my head on the window and fall behind
the couch in my attempt, I will not get up and do the same thing
I will not assume the patio door is open when I race outside to
I will not back up off the front porch and fall into the
bushes just as my human is explaining to his girlfriend how graceful I
I will not complain that my bottom is wet and that I am
thirsty after sitting in my water bowl.
I will not intrude on my
human's candle-lit bubble bath and singe my bottom.
I will not stick
my paw into any container to see if there is something in it. If I do, I
will not hiss and scratch when my human has to shave me to get the rubber
cement out of my fur.
If I bite the cactus, it will bite back.
is not a good idea to try to lap up the powdered creamer before it dissolves
in boiling coffee.
When I am chasing my tail and catch my back leg
instead, I will not bite down on my foot. This hurts, and my scream scares my
When it rains, it will be raining on all sides of the house.
It is not necessary to check every door.
Birds do not come from the
bird feeder. I will not knock it down and try to open it up to get the birds
I will not stuff my rather large self into the rather small
bird feeder (with my tail hanging out one side) and expect the birds to
just fly in.
I will not teach the parrot to meow in a loud and raucous
The dog can see me coming when I stalk her. She can see me and
will move out of the way when I pounce, letting me smash into floors and
walls. That does not mean I should take it as a personal insult when my
humans sit there and laugh.
Yes, there are still two very large dogs in
the backyard. There have been for several years. I don't have to act as if
I've just discovered the Demon Horror of the Universe each time one of
them appears in my window.
I will not play "dead cat on the stairs"
while people are trying to bring in groceries or laundry, or else one of
these days, it will really come true.
When the humans play darts, I
will not leap into the air and attempt to catch them.
I will not swat
my human's head repeatedly when she's on the family room floor trying to do
When my human is typing at the computer, her forearms are *not*
Computer and TV screens do not exist to backlight my
I am a walking static generator. My human doesn't need
my help installing a new board in her computer.
I will not bring the
city police to the front door by stepping on the speaker phone button and
then the automatic 911 dial button.
I will not speed dial the
I will not walk on the keyboard when my human is
writing important emiognaioerp ga3qi4 taija3tgv aa35 a.
that lives in the house (hamsters), stay in the house and any wild critters
(frogs and earthworms) stay outside. I am not allowed to set the hamster free
in exchange for finding a frog to put in the fish tank.
I will not
stalk the deer in the apple orchard next door. They have sharp hooves and
could hurt me if they weren't laughing so hard.
I will not watch the
guinea pig constantly as the guinea pig likes to sleep once in a
The goldfish likes living in water and should be allowed to
remain in its bowl.
I will not put a live mole in my food bowl and
expect it to stay there until I get hungry.
I will not eat spider
plants and hallucinate behind the toilet.
I will not drag the magnets
(and the papers they are holding up) off of the refrigerator and then bat
them underneath it so that they adhere to the underside.
I will learn
to relax at the vet's office so they will start writing things in my records
like "Good Kitty" and "Sweet Kitty" instead of the stuff that's there now
like "MEAN!!" "BITER!!!" and "GET HELP!!!!!"
I will not be miffed at
my human all day and then kiss her on the nose at 2:00 a.m. to tell her that
she is forgiven and can now pet me.
I will not scratch the children of
lawyers, no matter how much they chase me or how hard they pull my
If I MUST claw my human, I will not do it in such a fashion
that the scars resemble a botched suicide attempt.
If I must give a
present to my human's overnight guests, my toy mouse is much more socially
acceptable than a big live cockroach, even if it isn't as tasty.
will not soak my catnip toy in the water bowl to make tea. I will not get
high and sit there drinking my tea and kneading the floor afterwards. I will
not then get delusions of grandeur and make tea in the toilet bowl or the
tub. And I will not try to make tea with used socks, dirty panties or hair
scrunches when my humans take the catnip toy away from me.
pepperoni pizza is not a good place for a nap.
Saul has been lying ill for weeks. A few days ago he slipped into a coma, and
everyone feared the worst.
The family is called. The son from Miami. The
daughter from Bridgewater. The aunts. The uncles. All sit waiting for the
Suddenly a miracle! Saul opens his eyes. Weakly he motions for
his son to approach so he can hear talk to him. Saul is weak form illness and
so his voice is very faint as he says,
"I've been ill?"
papa," replies the son with tears choking his voice, "very ill."
papa nods and speaks again.
"I had a dream. I was nearing death when I
suddenly smelled the aroma of your mother's apple strudel. I love that
strudel. As wonderful a cook as my Sadie is, that strudel is
He lays back against the pillow weak from the
exertion of speaking.
"What a wonderful dream , papa. But the smell is
real. Mama just took the strudel out of the oven to cool."
miracle!" cries Saul as he tries to rise, and weakly falls against the
pillows. He turns to his son and says, "I'm still too weak to get up. Go to
the kitchen and get for me a piece of Sadie's strudel."
obediently rises and leaves the room to fulfill his father's request. . .
only to return a few moments later empty handed. He sits again by his
Saul looks at him and says,
"Nu? Where is the
To which the son replies,
"I'm sorry, papa. Mama says
it's for AFTER the funeral!"
A married couple was enjoying a dinner in a classy restaurant, when a
statuesque brunette walked over to their table, exchanged warm greetings with
the husband, and walked off.
"Who was that?" the wife
"If you must know," the husband replied, "that was my
"Your mistress? That's it! I want a divorce!" the wife
The husband looked her straight in the eye and said, "Are you
sure you want to give up our big house in the suburbs, your Mercedes, your
furs, your jewellery and our vacation home in Mexico?"
For a long time
they continued dining in silence. Finally, the woman nudged her husband and
said, "Isn't that Howard over there? Who's he with?"
mistress," her husband replied.
"Oh," she said, taking a bite of
dessert. "Ours is much cuter."
Harvey's grandfather clock suddenly stops working right one day, so he loads
it into his van and takes it to a clock repair shop. In the shop is a little
old man who insists he is Swiss, and has a heavy German accent.
asks Harvey, "Vat sims to be ze problem?" Harvey says, "I'm not sure, but it
doesn't go 'tick-tock -tick-tock' anymore. Now it just goes
The old man says, "Mmm-Hm!" and steps behind the
counter, where he rummages around a bit. He emerges with a
huge flashlight and walks over to the grandfather clock. He turns the
flashlight on, and shines it directly into the clocks face. Then he says in
a menacing voice, "Ve haf vays of making you tock!"
Reasons why the English language is hard to learn:
1) The bandage was
wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead
if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his
dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he
thought it was time to present the present.
8) A bass was painted on
the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was
invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a
sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer
taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the
18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.
seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20) I had to subject the
subject to a series of tests.
21) How can I intimate this to my most
Let's face it - English is a crazy
There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple
nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French
fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't
sweet, are meat.
We take English for granted. But if we explore its
paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square
and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that
writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't
If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth
beeth? Or, one goose, 2 geese? So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices?
Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend.
you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what
do you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a
vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the
verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a
Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and
feet that smell? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a
wise man and a wise guy are opposites?
You have to marvel at the
unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns
down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm
goes off by going on.
English was invented by people, not computers, and
it reflects the creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race
That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when
the lights are out, they are invisible.
Mary was married to a male chauvinist. They both worked full time, but he
never did anything around the house and certainly not any housework. That, he
declared, was woman's work! But one evening Mary arrived home from work to
find the children bathed, a load of wash in the washing machine and another
in the dryer, dinner on the stove and a beautifully set table, complete with
flowers. She was astonished, and she immediately wanted to know what was
It turned out that Charley, her husband, had read a
magazine article that suggested working wives would be more
romantically inclined if they weren't so tired from having to do all
the housework, in addition to holding down a full-time job.
day, she couldn't wait to tell her girlfriends at the office. "How did it
work out?" they asked. Mary said. "Charley even cleaned up, helped the kids
with their homework, folded the laundry and put everything away. I really
enjoyed my evening."
"But what about afterward?" her friends wanted to
know. "It didn't work out," Mary said. "Charley was too tired."
A truck driver tried to edge his semi past the lady driver on the road
ahead of him as she was obviously having difficulty deciding which lane she
wanted to be in. Finally, her mind made up, the woman veered into the
truck driver's lane and jammed on her brakes, which resulted in a
Unhurt but obviously harried, the lady driver rushed
over to the truck driver and started to bawl him out, barking, "You knew I
was going to do something idiotic. Why didn't you stop to wait and see
what it was?"
Although he was a qualified meteorologist, Hopkins ran up a terrible record
of forecasting for the TV news program. He became something of a local joke
when a newspaper began keeping a record of his predictions and showed that
he'd been wrong almost three hundred times in a single year.
of notoriety was enough to get him fired.
He moved to another part of the
country and applied for a similar job. One blank on the job application
called for the reason for leaving his previous position.
wrote, "The climate didn't agree with me."
SERVICE MERCHANDISE CLOSING ITS DOORS
One of the real pioneers in discount sales has gone bust.
Service Merchandise, based in the Nashville suburbs, says
it's selling off all of its merchandise in its remaining
stores. It tells the Tennessean that it hopes to be "back
to bare walls" in less than two weeks. The company, at one
time the largest catalog showroom retailer in the country,
is based in Brentwood, Tenn., and was formed more than 40
years ago. Before Wal-Mart, Target and the rest, Service
Merchandise offered discounts on many items. You went into
the store and looked at a catalog or items on display. Then
you picked out what you wanted. Minutes later a box came
down a conveyer belt. Some hidden employee in a huge
warehouse had found what you wanted and put it on the
belt, headed for the showroom. After all merchandise is
gone, 8,300 employees will be terminated. Nearly 500
employees at the corporate level will stay on for much
of the rest of the year to finalize the liquidation.
& now your at the end of the letter, I hope that you enjoyed
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