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The News letter, 020109

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By the way, on some of the pictures, if you hover your pointer over the picture ya might find a comment from me on it,
now that I've learned how to do that.

Now its time for the show to start & I think we'll start now!!!!

I almost have to agree with this.


10. They have about 20 miles before they overheat, breakdown or
run out of gas.

9. Only the owner knows how to operate the door to get in or out.

8. It is difficult to drive fast with all the fence tools, grease
rags, ropes, chains, syringes, buckets, boots and loose papers in
the cab.

7. It takes too long to start, and the smoke coming up through the
rusted-out floorboard clouds your vision.

6. The Border Collie on the toolbox looks mean.

5. They're too easy to spot. The description might go something
like this: The driver's side door is red, the passenger side door
is green, the right front fender is yellow, etc.

4. The large round bale in the back makes it hard to see if you're
being chased. You could use the mirrors if they weren't cracked
and covered with duct tape.

3. Top speed is approximately 45 mph.

2. Who wants to steal a truck that needs a year's worth of
maintenance, u-joints, $3,000 in body work, tail-lights and

1.  It is hard to commit a crime with everyone waving at you.

TV Remote Control Facts:

* One third of Americans say that TV "wouldn't be as pleasurable"
   without it.

* 18 % of women and nine percent of men would rather give up
    sex for a week than their remote control.

* Twice as many men lose the remote as women.

* 62 % spend at least five minutes a day looking for a lost remote

* Twice as many men as women get to hold the remote while
   watching television.

In the beginning, God created earth and rested.

Then God created man and rested.

Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has

THE WIT WIZARD savagely exposes America's frauds, fools,
freaks & foibles, harpoons the hypocrites and punctures the pompous.
Free politically incorrect social satire weekly

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My human will never let me eat her pet hamster, and I
am at peace with that.

I will not puff my entire body to twice its size for
no reason after my human has finished watching a horror

I will not slurp fish food from the surface of the

I must not help myself to Q-tips, and I must certainly
not proceed to stuff them down the sink's drain.

I will not eat large numbers of assorted bugs, then come
home and puke them up so the humans can see that I'm getting
plenty of roughage.

I will not lean way over to drink out of the tub, fall in,
and then pelt right for the box of clumping cat litter. (It
took FOREVER to get the stuff out of my fur.)

I will not stand on the bathroom counter, stare down the
hall, and growl at NOTHING after my human has finished
watching The X-Files.

I will not fish out my human's partial plate from the glass
so that the dog can "wear" it and pretend to be my human.
(It is somewhat unnerving to wake up, roll over in bed, and
see the dog grinning at you with your own teeth.)

I will not use the bathtub to store live mice for late-night

I will not drag dirty socks up from the basement in the
middle of the night, deposit them on the bed and yell at
the top of my lungs (Burmese LOUD yowling) so that my human
can admire my "kill."

I will not perch on my human's chest in the middle of the
night and stare into her eyes until she wakes up.

We will not play Herd of Thundering Wildebeests Stampeding
Across the Plains of the Serengeti over any humans' bed while
they're trying to sleep.

Screaming at the can of food will not make it open itself.

I cannot leap through closed windows to catch birds outside.
If I forget this and bonk my head on the window and fall
behind the couch in my attempt, I will not get up and do
the same thing again.

I will not assume the patio door is open when I race outside
to chase leaves.

I will not back up off the front porch and fall into the bushes
just as my human is explaining to his girlfriend how graceful
I am.

I will not complain that my bottom is wet and that I am thirsty
after sitting in my water bowl.

I will not intrude on my human's candle-lit bubble bath and
singe my bottom.

I will not stick my paw into any container to see if there is
something in it. If I do, I will not hiss and scratch when my
human has to shave me to get the rubber cement out of my fur.

If I bite the cactus, it will bite back.

It is not a good idea to try to lap up the powdered creamer
before it dissolves in boiling coffee.

When I am chasing my tail and catch my back leg instead, I will
not bite down on my foot. This hurts, and my scream scares my

When it rains, it will be raining on all sides of the house. 
It is not necessary to check every door.

Birds do not come from the bird feeder. I will not knock it down
and try to open it up to get the birds out.

I will not stuff my rather large self into the rather small bird
feeder (with my tail hanging out one side) and expect the birds
to just fly in.

I will not teach the parrot to meow in a loud and raucous manner.

The dog can see me coming when I stalk her. She can see me and
will move out of the way when I pounce, letting me smash into
floors and walls. That does not mean I should take it as a
personal insult when my humans sit there and laugh.

Yes, there are still two very large dogs in the backyard. There
have been for several years. I don't have to act as if I've just
discovered the Demon Horror of the Universe each time one of
them appears in my window.

I will not play "dead cat on the stairs" while people are trying
to bring in groceries or laundry, or else one of these days, it
will really come true.

When the humans play darts, I will not leap into the air and
attempt to catch them.

I will not swat my human's head repeatedly when she's on the
family room floor trying to do sit ups.

When my human is typing at the computer, her forearms are *not*
a hammock.

Computer and TV screens do not exist to backlight my lovely

I am a walking static generator. My human doesn't need my help
installing a new board in her computer.

I will not bring the city police to the front door by stepping
on the speaker phone button and then the automatic 911 dial

I will not speed dial the overseas numbers.

I will not walk on the keyboard when my human is writing
important emiognaioerp ga3qi4 taija3tgv aa35 a.

Any critter that lives in the house (hamsters), stay in the
house and any wild critters (frogs and earthworms) stay outside.
I am not allowed to set the hamster free in exchange for
finding a frog to put in the fish tank.

I will not stalk the deer in the apple orchard next door.
They have sharp hooves and could hurt me if they weren't
laughing so hard.

I will not watch the guinea pig constantly as the guinea pig
likes to sleep once in a while.

The goldfish likes living in water and should be allowed to
remain in its bowl.

I will not put a live mole in my food bowl and expect it to
stay there until I get hungry.

I will not eat spider plants and hallucinate behind the

I will not drag the magnets (and the papers they are holding
up) off of the refrigerator and then bat them underneath it
so that they adhere to the underside.

I will learn to relax at the vet's office so they will start
writing things in my records like "Good Kitty" and "Sweet Kitty"
instead of the stuff that's there now like "MEAN!!" "BITER!!!"
and "GET HELP!!!!!"

I will not be miffed at my human all day and then kiss her on
the nose at 2:00 a.m. to tell her that she is forgiven and can
now pet me.

I will not scratch the children of lawyers, no matter how much
they chase me or how hard they pull my tail.

If I MUST claw my human, I will not do it in such a fashion that
the scars resemble a botched suicide attempt.

If I must give a present to my human's overnight guests, my toy
mouse is much more socially acceptable than a big live cockroach,
even if it isn't as tasty.

I will not soak my catnip toy in the water bowl to make tea. I
will not get high and sit there drinking my tea and kneading the
floor afterwards. I will not then get delusions of grandeur and
make tea in the toilet bowl or the tub. And I will not try to
make tea with used socks, dirty panties or hair scrunches when
my humans take the catnip toy away from me.

A warm pepperoni pizza is not a good place for a nap.

For this shot ya have to remember 
the news story I did not to long ago
about this actually happening.
David 1

Saul has been lying ill for weeks. A few days ago he
slipped into a coma, and everyone feared the worst.

The family is called. The son from Miami. The daughter
from Bridgewater. The aunts. The uncles. All sit waiting
for the end.

Suddenly a miracle! Saul opens his eyes. Weakly he
motions for his son to approach so he can hear talk to
him. Saul is weak form illness and so his voice is very
faint as he says,

"I've been ill?"

"Yes, papa," replies the son with tears choking his voice,
"very ill."

The papa nods and speaks again.

"I had a dream. I was nearing death when I suddenly smelled
the aroma of your mother's apple strudel. I love that strudel.
As wonderful a cook as my Sadie is, that strudel is her

He lays back against the pillow weak from the exertion of

"What a wonderful dream , papa. But the smell is real.  Mama
just took the strudel out of the oven to cool."

"A miracle!" cries Saul as he tries to rise, and weakly
falls against the pillows. He turns to his son and says,
"I'm still too weak to get up. Go to the kitchen and get for
me a piece of Sadie's strudel."

The son obediently rises and leaves the room to fulfill his
father's request. . . only to return a few moments later empty
handed.  He sits again by his father's side.

Saul looks at him and says,

"Nu? Where is the strudel?"

To which the son replies,

"I'm sorry, papa. Mama says it's for AFTER the funeral!"

A married couple was enjoying a dinner in a classy
restaurant, when a statuesque brunette walked over
to their table, exchanged warm greetings with the
husband, and walked off.

"Who was that?" the wife demanded.

"If you must know," the husband replied, "that was
my mistress."

"Your mistress?  That's it!  I want a divorce!" the
wife fumed.

The husband looked her straight in the eye and said,
"Are you sure you want to give up our big house in
the suburbs, your Mercedes, your furs, your jewellery
and our vacation home in Mexico?"

For a long time they continued dining in silence.
Finally, the woman nudged her husband and said,
"Isn't that Howard over there?  Who's he with?"

"That's HIS mistress," her husband replied.

"Oh," she said, taking a bite of dessert.  "Ours is
much cuter."

Harvey's grandfather clock suddenly stops working right
one day, so he loads it into his van and takes it to a
clock repair shop.  In the shop is a little old man who
insists he is Swiss, and has a heavy German accent.

He asks Harvey, "Vat sims to be ze problem?"
Harvey says, "I'm not sure, but it doesn't go 'tick-tock
-tick-tock' anymore.  Now it just goes 'tick..tick..tick."

The old man says, "Mmm-Hm!" and steps behind the counter,
where he rummages around a bit.  He emerges with a huge
flashlight and walks over to the grandfather clock.  He
turns the flashlight on, and shines it directly into the
clocks face.  Then he says in a menacing voice, "Ve haf
vays of making you tock!"

He has a point ! BUT James
Don't even try it or you 
either Owen

Reasons why the English language is hard to learn:

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

2) The farm was used to produce produce.

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4) We must polish the Polish furniture.

5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to
present the present.

8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.

19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Let's face it - English is a crazy language.

There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in
pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in
France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that
quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is
neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write but
fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?

If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? Or,
one goose, 2 geese? So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it
seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend.

If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them,
what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats
vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum
for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and
play at a recital?

Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that
smell? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man
and a wise guy are opposites?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house
can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out
and in which an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the
creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at all).

That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights
are out, they are invisible.

Hummm, I'll have to do that to Susan

Mary was married to a male chauvinist. They both worked full time,
but he never did anything around the house and certainly not any
housework. That, he declared, was woman's work! But one evening
Mary arrived home from work to find the children bathed, a load of
wash in the washing machine and another in the dryer, dinner on the
stove and a beautifully set table, complete with flowers. She was
astonished, and she immediately wanted to know what was going on.

It turned out that Charley, her husband, had read a magazine
article that suggested working wives would be more romantically
inclined if they weren't so tired from having to do all the
housework, in addition to holding down a full-time job.

The next day, she couldn't wait to tell her girlfriends at the
office. "How did it work out?" they asked. Mary said. "Charley even
cleaned up, helped the kids with their homework, folded the laundry
and put everything away. I really enjoyed my evening."

"But what about afterward?" her friends wanted to know. "It didn't
work out," Mary said. "Charley was too tired."

A truck driver tried to edge his semi past the lady driver on the
road ahead
of him as she was obviously having difficulty deciding which lane she
to be in. Finally, her mind made up, the woman veered into the truck
driver's lane and jammed on her brakes, which resulted in a slight

Unhurt but obviously harried, the lady driver rushed over to the truck
driver and started to bawl him out, barking, "You knew I was going to
something idiotic. Why didn't you stop to wait and see what it was?"

Although he was a qualified meteorologist, Hopkins ran up a
terrible record of forecasting for the TV news program. He became
something of a local joke when a newspaper began keeping a record
of his predictions and showed that he'd been wrong almost three
hundred times in a single year.

That kind of notoriety was enough to get him fired.

He moved to another part of the country and applied for a similar
job. One blank on the job application called for the reason for
leaving his previous position.

Hopkins wrote, "The climate didn't agree with me."

SERVICE MERCHANDISE CLOSING ITS DOORS One of the real pioneers in discount sales has gone bust. Service Merchandise, based in the Nashville suburbs, says it's selling off all of its merchandise in its remaining stores. It tells the Tennessean that it hopes to be "back to bare walls" in less than two weeks. The company, at one time the largest catalog showroom retailer in the country, is based in Brentwood, Tenn., and was formed more than 40 years ago. Before Wal-Mart, Target and the rest, Service Merchandise offered discounts on many items. You went into the store and looked at a catalog or items on display. Then you picked out what you wanted. Minutes later a box came down a conveyer belt. Some hidden employee in a huge warehouse had found what you wanted and put it on the belt, headed for the showroom. After all merchandise is gone, 8,300 employees will be terminated. Nearly 500 employees at the corporate level will stay on for much of the rest of the year to finalize the liquidation.

& now your at the end of the letter, I hope that you enjoyed

The times on this one are 244 seconds for 28K modem,
145 seconds for 56k modem & 67 seconds for cable/dsl

thanks, David #